I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but Thanksgiving is tomorrow.  Pretty big deal in these parts.

Walmart didn’t get the memo.  F you Walmart.

Naturally, I’m bringing you some thanksgivingy inspiration fo yo wedding, this time around from Izzy Hudgins Photography.  Because thas how I do.  This is a wedding blog first and foremost (sometimes I forget).  But I’m also doing something else.

Oh wait- did I mention my favorite new Sarah Seven dress, After Midnight, is featured in today’s styled shoot?  

If I didn’t, it is.  Pls note that I saw this thing in person and it is EVERYTHING you think it is, assuming you like it the way I do.  Ok back to it..

So any of you gluten free?  If you are, we have something in common.  Being gluten free sucks, let’s face it.  Very little options, and everybody is always saying, “oh, well at least you get to keep your slim figure!  You know, since you can’t eat anything delicious or appetizing.”  Yeahthanks.

Well, today I thought I’d mix in a few gluten free recipes amidst the wacky Thanksgiving inspired wedding pics – Thanksgiving inspired styling can only be described as wacky IMO – and then maybe, possibly, hopefully, inspire you to actually enjoy a freaking Thanksgiving dinner for once, food-wise, as a gluten-freer.  There really is some good GF stuff out there!  You just gotta WERK for it.

Gluten free recipe: triple herb dinner rolls, recreating happiness

Gluten free recipe: turkey gravy, gluten free on a shoestring

Gluten free recipe: cornbread stuffing with maple-roasted acorn squash, gluten free goddess

Gluten free recipe: if you just feel like having ramen noodles, don’t eat wheat

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From the stylist, Audrey, of French Knot Studios:

Thanksgiving weekend is a popular time for weddings. Families are already coming together and days off allotted, so why not tie the knot? But with this beloved holiday comes the typical decor and color palette: autumnal hues, pumpkins, turkey, cornucopia. We wanted to spice things up for our inspiration shoot, pun intended with the delish spiced apple caramel naked cake with goat cheese filling.

The story goes that the first Thanksgiving celebrated the coming together of different cultures and backgrounds through a feast of celebration. Although history is full of negative accounts between opposing sides; war, famine, et cetera, we wanted to focus on the positive. The melding of cultures, traditions, and customs that created (and continues to influence) the USA. Weddings are also a time to celebrate the uniting of families, beliefs, and ideals. It’s all coming together.

Armed with an inspiration board filled with images from high fashion, tasty food, and rich colors, our artisans got to work. Jessica Mock of Dollface by Jules researched make-up motifs from native tribes around the world. Her final creations are a beautiful mix of Asian, African, America, and Indian culture with a dash of fantasy. She made a contentious effort not to reference one tribe or culture in particular, but to celebrate them all globally.

The floral design is more a collection of produce and grasses then lush petals. Gilded chili peppers and mini pumpkin branches with safari sunset, purple millet, seeded eucalyptus, and broom corn from fiftyflowers.com came pre-mixed in perfect seasonal boxes.

What is Thanksgiving without a feast? Putting aside the typical menu of turkey and stuffing, Form created a smorgasbord of Low Country, Southeastern favorites: oysters, crabs, saffron prawns (Ah-mazing), sweet potato souffle, pork tenderloin, spiced rice, and crisp cucumber canapes.

Handcrafted jewelry from the world over added glitz and focal points. A gold necklace from India and oversized South American green turquoise. A necklace of agate stones and a painted palm pod made a stunning hair accessory.

Much like the Gothic Romance Poe inspired shoot we did last year, this one combines traditional wedding elements with a style that’s fashion forward, a little mysterious, and all together beautiful.

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Styling and Floral Design: French Knot Studios / Photography: Izzy Hudgins Photography / Venue: Roundhouse Railroad Museum / Hair and Make-up: Dollface by Jules / Gown: Sarah Seven from The Sentimentalist / Bridesmaids: Custard Boutique / Menswear: Vintage from Civvies / Jewelry: Zia Couture / Furs: Gaucho Savannah / Invitation and Paper Goods: Miss Pickles Press / Food: Form / Cake: Lulu’s Chocolate Bar / Buffet Table Backdrop: Simply Savannah Events / Wholesale Flowers: fiftyflowers.com / Table Settings: World Market Submitted via: Two Bright Lights

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Love you guys, happy T-gives…

Alison

I think I’m getting my period and there’s no chocolate in the house, so I’ll be writing some pretty emotional stuff today.  Even though I would rather be eating chocolate.  Here goes.

The following is a stream of consciousness list I put together about things that still manage to shock me, as the world has become so frigging shocking to me sometimes that I don’t even feel like I have the ability to be surprised anymore.  I think I’m making this sound too upbeat.

THE LIST

1. How much “likes” and “favorites” have come to mean to me, despite my conscious resistance and supposed self-assurance that I don’t need that shit to feel good.  It’s like it happened without any input on my part.  As if my brain chemistry is changing..

2. How many times I’ve had to rewash the laundry after not drying it in time.  (I have to get down there before the spiders return or it’s staying overnight/getting moldy/DGAF)

3. How long I put things off (and subsequently worry about them until I do them), even when it will take literally just a few minutes to do them.

4. How easily I can be distracted and get off task, sometimes indefinitely.  If I was a comic book hero my insurmountable downfall would without a doubt be something related to distraction. “yeah she was going to save that puppy – but her gchat beeped”  

5. How distracting gchat can be.  I will be on the toilet and if I hear a gchat ping I will literally get off the toilet and check who it was regardless of where I am in the process (usually no one’s home when I do this)

6. Anal bleaching

7. How much energy I’ve squandered hauling myself over the coals for an inability to meet society’s impossible/destructive standards of girl beauty.  And how many times I’ve let totally ridiculous concerns about my appearance stop me from having a good time.  (I could set a Guinness record for times redo-ing a ponytail)

8. The amazing healing powers of vaseline, when I’ve run out of willpower and can no longer not touch the zit.

9. Poop pills (I have a gluten intolerance and Honey keeps insisting on implanting his poop pills in my colon; I’ve gone from absolutely not NEVER, to considering it..)

10. The erectile dysfunction drug commercials with the people sitting in separate bathtubs outdoors.  No sex is happening in those bathtubs – correct?  Seems implausible.  Certainly the brittle-boned don’t fantasize about banging inside open-faced porcelain caskets.  This one not so much shocks me as confuses me and makes me angry that dicks and dick problems are shoved in my face every other television commercial.  (Still waiting on a commercial about how to make a woman actually want you to stick it in her**.  That wouldn’t be profitable though so oh well.)

**For me personally it’s not jewelry from Jared’s.  It’s treating me with respect, neck kisses and a slow hand.  Also don’t focus so immediately on the clitoris, people who don’t understand clitorises.  It’s only part of the pleasure puzzle.  Involve ALL AREAS of the V.  ALL AREAS.

11. Speaking of drugs; the way drug companies are so crafty about getting you to feel like you need their drug.  I read an article recently in a major newspaper about a “study” that says we’ve all been dead wrong about aloe having sunburn-soothing powers.  Also discussed in the article?  A drug GSK is sending to market soon that promises to soothe sunburns.

12. How fucking necessary friends are.  And how stupid easy it is to connect with new ones if you just realize one basic thing: yes, there are some assholes in the world who will reject you, but for the most part we’re all just looking for ways to alleviate the loneliness.  And the best prescription (omg so cheesy) for loneliness is human connection.  (Assholes are just people who’ve completely closed themselves off to human connection.  They’re too scared to try.)

13. How much time I’ve wasted thinking I’m the only one going through something, and how I almost always choose to go inward on myself, for fear that the people around me will be disappointed in me or think I’m weird and reject me once they find out what I’m going through.  SO STUPID!

14. How I doom myself to fail when I compare my real self with the image I have in my head of who I’m supposed to be.  Been working on this one since that day in 8th grade when I realized every girl but me was wearing foundation and had colorful juicy-looking lips.  I hid my face for the rest of the day, went home, searched for any makeup my mom had, and started trying to make myself look more airbrushed every day since.

15. The way that almost every woman news anchor doesn’t seem to realize (or does?!) that wet-looking lips covered in lipstick and gloss are actually an ages-old attempt to mimic the glistening lips of the aroused vagina.  So this means they’re trying to get dudes off while delivering the news of the day.  Like stories of death, and child shootings.  That is the only identifiable reason a woman would consider glossing their lips while at work at a news desk, I can’t see any other justifiable reason to be doing that.  Let’s stop doing this, k?  Let’s quit it with the glossy lip stuff except for when we’re out on dates with people in whom we’re sexually interested.  If you didn’t know it, now you know.  I literally can’t look at a girl straight after having learned this fact about glossy lips.

16. This-

17. The amount of hair I lose in the shower.  I could form words with it on the tiles.  It’s astonishing to me every time, the amount.  If I’ve gone enough days without washing I can really scare the shit out of myself.  (‘Enough days’ is defined as the amount of days it takes for my partner to say “ok that’s ENOUGH,” or, about three days.)

Little story: if Honey goes to take a shower, and I’ve forgotten to rinse my hair down from the walls and dispose of it in a neighboring county, I’ll hear a loud *GASP* then see him backing out of the bathroom.  If I’m there he’ll stare at me, sometimes yelling out incoherently.  It’s like that time when the shortest privileged girl on Long Island Princesses (dear God my references) was like “hellllp……muh…” in the vineyard during a panic attack.  (No offense to rich people who have panic attacks during vineyard brunches, I’m sure your pain runs just as deep).

18. How panicky I still am about taking a shower alone in the house while Honey’s away (grrrr, hate this one!)

19. How difficult this still is for me to embrace as a writer:

Brené I’m trying.  This is tough work.  If people find out I’ve at times gone four (intensely satisfying) days without showering, I’ll lose the respect I’ve garnered as a person who blogs about weddings on the internet.

20. How long I’ll continue to ponder a recent social interaction if I feel it went even *a little* awkwardly.

21. How addicted I am to my phone and how I’m pretty sure it’s a good path to depression and at the very least antisocial behavior in public spaces.

22. How INVINCIBLE AND FREE I feel whenever I don’t have my phone on me.  (I’ve literally made friends with people when I’ve left my phone behind.)

23. How impossible it is to leave my phone behind, even when I know the above is true.

24. This:

25. How cute my dogs are :)

that’s Bambino with his felted mini-me, made by my sister who’s really gotten into felting recently..

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Hope this wasn’t weeeeeird.

I have a lot more of these Confessions posts in the works btw, if you’re into it…?

Anything you’d like to add to the list in the comments?  I would desperately love to hear them.

-Alison

p.s. another giveaway coming up soon, stay tuned you guysies.  I am super overdue for one!

All of these items were currently still in stores as of this morning in my area…

(Fun Tip: Still searching for a gift for your parents?  Assuming a baby’s out of the question ?? then may I suggest gifting them (and agreeing to set up for them) a Roku box or subscription to Netflix (streaming video)?  Your parents sit around flipping through 700 channels between the hours of 7 and 10pm to find a decent movie to watch anyway, why not give them a legit movie engine to spend entire evenings searching through?  Six of one, half a dozen of the other.  It’ll take them at least a week to figure out that Netflix literally has zero watchable movies, but by that time you’ll be long gone (assuming you don’t live 10 minutes from them like we do).)

PROCRASTINATOR’S GIFT GUIDE :: GIRL EDITION

These golden monogram mugs // anthropologie

Fujifilm Instax 210 Wide Format Instant Camera // urbanoutfitters (people also like the minis, but I’m a fan of the wide format because the photo size is larger, more like the original size of Polaroids)

universal backup battery // madewell (where EVERYTHING’S 30% off right now, you guys!)

the eaton clutch // madewell

mini bow ring // madewell

giraffe trinket dish // anthropologie >> i also love these but i didn’t see them in store *CRIES*

How great is this fringed tree DIY, by the way???  So cute.

You guys, are you done with your holiday shopping yet???  (Or are you like me..)

peace n love, peace and love

Alison

Happy Holidays lovelies!

It’s been so long since I’ve been back here to write a DIY and am excited to share this pretty place setting for all your upcoming holiday parties!  Easy, fresh, and a little bit of shine… what every table needs! 

Materials:
- Variety of winter greens, berries and small flowers
- Fabric tags
- Glue pen
- Pen or marker
- Gold leaf
- Twine
- Gold trim

Step 1:
Create small, boutonnière-like bunches using a combination of winter greens.  I started with a base of winter staples (such as boxwood pine or noble fir) and added in berries or small flowers. Bundle with twine and set aside.

Step 2:
Use a marker or pen to write the name or initial of your guest on the fabric tag.

Step 3:
Go over the edges of the tag (or wherever you want to see gold!) with the glue pen — you will need to layer the glue a few times, as the fabric tends to soak up some of the glue on the first layer.

Step 4:
Once the glue dries tacky, place gold leaf on the tag and peel off.  Yay!

Step 5:
Tie the tag with gold trim, attach to your green bundles and serve it up on a pretty plate!

So fun and festive!  Will you be adding these to your holiday table? :)

xoxo Kindred

Like what you see?   You can follow what kindred’s up to on twitter, facebook and instagram, too :)

I haven’t showered in almost three days and if I had an office job this would be the point where I decide I’m going to sprinkle baby powder on my scalp tomorrow morning to cover up the grease.  I am a disgusting manifestation of a human being.

In comparison, these girls are immaculate.  They look like they shower every day.

Somehow, however, this show still manages to make me feel really good about myself.

Welcome To Your Long Overdue Bachelor Recap

I have to start by saying, I promise myself a lot of things.  Like I promised myself I wouldn’t take a picture of the plane that landed on the Major Deegan some days ago after sitting in its rubbernecking traffic for two hours.

I also promised myself I’d try to go out more in 2014, instead of watching so much goddamned reality tv.

But here we are.

Watching this show feels as productive as sucking back up a poop you mistook as ready for elimination.  The fact is though that I’ve committed myself – there’s no going back.  Some things I’d like to note before we begin:

I’ve gone soft over the years, recap-wise.  I’m both proud of my restraint and truly missing the days of passive-aggressively ripping crazy bitches new ones from the safety of my home computer.  Think of today’s recap as a return to evil, all in the name of good, fair fun!  If you’re a contestant:

We are in season 18.  If you are on this show and have seen even a single episode from a previous season, then you know what you’re getting into.  And if you don’t, then that’s way worse, and I am doing you and society a disservice if I don’t publicly psychoanalyze you in an effort to break down what it is that brought you to this point.

I hope we’re all on the same page?

LET’S BEGIN 

27 women, all born with two things in common – naturally really great faces and a desperate longing for their fathers’ acceptance - have come to compete for an out of work soccer player’s love.  There are about one, maybe two, normal ones.  Let the games begin.

What I’m Expecting…

I don’t know what I’m expecting, but I saw full butt during an anal waxing on the reality show Vanderpump Rules recently so that’s where my bar is set.

LET’S MEET JUAN PABLO 

Mostly during this segment where we meet Juan Pablo I can’t understand a word he’s saying.  Juanderful.  Why did I take French in high school?  I was forced to use images as my guide.

It’s mostly stuff like this

I feel like I really got to know his gait when he jogs, and the alarming way his pecs rise and fall on his chest when he’s doing the jogging.  Is that normal?  I feel like I could draw his abs from memory.

It seems he plays soccer, which I already knew because he’s from South America, and that at one point he played it professionally but doesn’t anymore.  He definitely works out.  He pets random people’s dogs.  He has a daughter.  He is not with his daughter’s mother, and his daughter is his world.  He needs someone to coparent her so that it isn’t anymore.

Juan Pablo’s daughter arrives with her grandparents; she’ll be spending the season with him because he wants to “set a good example for her.”  Juan Pablo’s parents will be looking after the child somewhere nearby while he lays pipe over the next couple months.

LET’S MEET JUAN PABLO’S CHIQUITURI

“Hi, I’m Juan Pablo’s daughter, Camila.  At my tender age, I don’t have the ability to coherently voice my discomfort with this situation, but I’ll have to tag along as he is the sole source of my food and water.”

TETE-A-TETE: BACHELOR SEAN ADVICE SESSION

Juan Pablo is seen playing with his daughter, and tells us that he’s about to meet 25 beautiful women, which is I guess the Spanish translation for “27 beautiful women” ??

Former Bachelor Sean Lowe walks in, waay too confidently to Ludacris’ “Area Codes” in his mind.  Before Juan Pabs can get a word in, Sean is like “Treat dem like dey yo bitches – cuz dey’s yo bitches now.”

Very few people know that Sean has been living for this moment, honing and rehearsing his advice, ever since Chris Harrison called him with the news.  He’s had his shirt picked out for months.

Sean looks like way more of a dork than he did on either of his two seasons, I’m compelled to note here.  And he looked like a HUGE DORK on his seasons.  Shirts really seem to dictate this.

After standing outside with JP’s daughter for a bit they go inside the hut leaving the child unattended and jump right into bro talk.  Juan Pabs is like “I’m horrible with names” and Sean is like, “IZZ HARRRD, SON”.  He then gives him a lot of weirdly honest straightforward talk for the rest of their bro session, mostly about how to maximize yo playa game during this one-of-a-kind bro journey.  I can’t help but respect him for this, though I’d like it even more if he’d change his shirt.  What are these shirts he wears?  He really needs a second opinion on those shirts.

ENTER CHRIS HARRISON

Chris Harrison’s favorite song is probably Jay-Z’s Public Service Announcement because dude is really into reintroducing himself all the fucking time.  WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE

LET’S MEET THE GIRLS

Ok, SO!  It turns out that hormone-packed cow’s milk is doing this newest generation GOOD, because not a single one of these ladies is lacking in the t and a department AND they’re barely legal.  Muy caliente!  Arriba arriba!  (I’m getting most of this stuff from old Speedy Gonzalez cartoons.  That’s not offensive right?)

Chelsie is a Science Educator, which is something like a science teacher, I’m assuming?  WTF are these titles?

Renee has a son (dealbreaker), and some of her favorite things to do are paddleboard and rollerblade.  One of my favorite things to do is sort through old boxes of clothes from the move last year and rediscover old items of clothing I was absolutely sure I’d lost. <== I can’t tell you how rewarding this is

Renee seems super smart and normal at first, but then I recall she’s on a game show competing with other women for the love of a man she’s never met.

The next girl is Andi.  Andi introduces herself as a gang prosecutor, which means I can’t possibly have heard her right.  A gang prosecutor?  What is that?  It doesn’t matter; she looks like Katherine McPhee and my mom says she’s her favorite.

She could win this you guys.

The next girl is Amy J, a masseuse who is apparently terrible at her job, because, she claims, none of her ex-boyfriends like massages – this kind of person does not exist.  Amy goes, ”I thought I’d be married at 31, but the fact that I’m not is… wonderful… because it’s allowed me to get to know who I truly am.”  And I’ve discovered that I’m someone who is gradually losing her mind the farther out from 31 I get while still not being married.

Amy comes off pretty genuinely insane during this piece, I have to say, I really don’t think it’s just the edit they gave her.  She seems weird in a bad way and I usually love weird?  Maybe it’s her carefree attitude re: creepshots

We will either laugh-through or cringe-for-the-duration-of whatever time alone she gets with Juan Pablo later during the cocktail party before she ultimately gets sent home.

Next we have Nikki, who’s a pediatric nurse.

All I could think about was how I definitely don’t look as good as she does when hovering over another human being.

Nikki tells us, “I don’t want to settle in my love life.”  Well she came to the right place, AMIRITE?  Andalay!

This is Lauren H.

Lauren H is a mineral coordinator, which is either a REALLY COOL profession that I want to learn more about, or something they’re calling the people behind the jewelry counters these days.

Lauren H’s heartbreaking story, shared profoundly early – and, I expect, many more times tonight the more booze she gets in her system – is that she was broken up with by phone by her fiancé relatively recently.  They were planning a wedding.  Well, this certainly sounds like the perfect time to bounce back by going on a reality show to compete for the love of one man amidst a bevy of other women who are either just-as-good or better-looking than you are.

I’m VERY excited to watch Lauren H’s story unfold.

Next we meet Valerie.  Valerie tells us she’s pretty, twice.  Valerie sucks.

Valerie says “Ugly people need love, too” while feeding farm animals during her piece, which is pretty much all you need to know about her.

Lacy is a 25-year-old nursing home owner who founded her business at the age of 20.  I instinctively have trouble believing this story.  I decide this is snobbish and condescending of me.  Her comments about coming from “a family of 13, with 9 of them being special needs” do help me to come around to the possibility of her owning an elderly care franchise — but not really.

Lacy’s really sweet and grounded, but at the same time seems like the kind of person who would try a fad diet called “The Chew It Up And Spit It In Your Dog’s Mouth” Diet.

Next up, Clare.

Clare immediately tells us she’s part Mexican, like it’s part of her game plan.  Uh oh, HER DAD DIED you guys.  And she seems to really miss him.  This is an upsetting segment and it starts me thinking about Lisa on Desperate Housewives of Miami and her struggle to conceive a child, because Clare looks exactly like Lisa.

The footage of Clare is mostly Clare flipping through old pictures of when she used to be happy while cameramen crowd her space in an effort to capture her sadness in the best possible light.

I think Juan Pablo’ll take really nicely to the girl who brought a DVD message recorded by her father before his death for the man she marries to a dating game show interview.  It’s limo time!

LIMO TIME

Chris Harrison says a lot of very grandiose and upbeat things about what’s to come on the show while keeping a stone-cold straight face through the entire delivery.  He is dead inside- there’s no arguing it now.

Amy L is 27 and a Local News Reporter from Orlando, FL.  JP studies her ass for a good four seconds as she walks into the house, turns around and says, “Whew.”  Amy is staying.

Cassandra is 21 and a Former NBA Dancer – so, Unemployed – from Rochester Hills, MI.  I couldn’t hear a word Cassandra said, and I rewound it three times to try and rehear it.  Also this was a very awkward exchange between her and JP.  On the plus side, she’s definitely got a hot-to-trot 70s porn star look about her, but who watches 70s porn anymore.

Christy is 24 and a Marketing Manager from Aurora, IL.

Christy’s rocking that dirty-faced look some girls unwittingly rock when their bronzer, fake tan and bottled hair color combine to make them look more like Pig-Pen than fresh-faced and ready for love; clearly this is only my personal view, however, as Juan Pablo tells her “you’re gorgeous.”  Christy wore the closest thing to a wedding dress you can wear without actually wearing a wedding dress.  Congratulations?

Christy is forgettable, but Christy has a great rack, so Christy will get a rose.

Christine is 23 and a Police Support Specialist from Miami, FL.  She brought a bracelet with his daughter’s name on it, which is a cool gift I guess if you’re into giving your child gifts from complete strangers who have never met them.

Nikki is the 26yo Pediatric Nurse from Kearney, MO, and she comes in hot, bringing with her a stethoscope that she instructs JP to use on her.  After she walks off he tells producers “No more leeeemoz,” indicating that he would be satisfied if the girls he’s met so far were the only girls competing this evening, and that if producers stop sending in limos it would be ok with him.  At that moment a new limo pulls up and JP excitedly gets back to it.

Out of the second limo walks Kat, a 29yo Medical Sales Rep from Scottsdale, AZ.  Kat has a great body and “smells good, very good” according to JP.  She is not memorable but nice enough.  That sounds bad I have nothing against her..

Chantel is 27 and an Account Manager from San Diego, CA.  JP and Chantel spend an hour pronouncing her name after which she walks into the mansion.

Victoria is 24 and a Legal Assistant from Boca Raton, FL.  Wait no, she just told Juan Pabs she’s from Brazil.  Someone came to play.

BAREFOOT, Lucinda from Santa Barbara steps out of the limo next, and did I mention she’s barefoot?  She’s 24 and has no shoes.  On the yellow line where it would usually list her occupation it says “Free Spirit.”  What the fuck is this

Danielle is 25 and a Psychiatric Nurse from St. Louis, MO.  She is on ABC’s payroll and will be boarding with the girls to keep tabs on their mental health/cultivate a stable environment/administer meds.

Lauren S from Austin, Tex comes into frame; she’s wheeling a big ass piano towards Juan Pabs which must mean she’s like a piano builder, or maybe a welder or something?- I’m not sure yet.  She proceeds to play the piano terribly!  She’s a Music Composer.

Here’s the thing.  I feel like, when you do these kinds of big scale gimmicks, you really have to nail them, otherwise you come out looking like an idiot trying to pedal a giant piano on wet cobblestone in eveningwear.  Like it’s just sad.

My bad; Juan Pablo didn’t catch her name and he ran into the house after her to go get it.  Clearly into Lauren S.

The next girl out of the limo is Chelsie, who we met earlier.  This was super awk, perhaps the most awk first impression of the night.  Nothing could possibly happen later tonight that could top this, making it the second most awkward thing that happens..

Next up is Valerie, the girl who told the lens of a camera she’s pretty and symbolically murdered Juan Pablo by bow and arrow in an earlier segment.  When she got out of the limo I thought I heard her say “did you notice my boobs when I walked up?” and I didn’t even flinch.  It would have been Classic Val.  But no she said “did you notice my boots,” so..forget it.

Elise is 27 and a First Grade Teacher from Forty Fort, PA.  I need to talk about Elise’s dress.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DRESS

Next up is 25yo grade school teacher Ashley, from Dallas, Texas.  Ashley came up with the idea to stick a gold star on Juan Pabs lapel, GET IT?  Ugh.  YOU BORE ME.  WHO’S NEXT

Ah yes, the ol ‘Fake Baby Bump As Guy Wrangler’ maneuver.  I know it well.  0% efficacy rate unfortunately.

Clare is a very literal girl.  When she heard Juan Pabs wants to have more kids, she knew the best way to show him she’s on the same page was to physically begin growing his child within her from the seed she extracted out of a pile of tissues retrieved from his bathroom trash.  In wearing a fake baby bump, Clare is showing Juan Pablo just how incredibly batshit she is and that if he knows what’s good for him he will start running in the opposite direction.  (He will literally have to start running from her for her to get the message, it’s the only way she’ll comprehend what’s happening.)  I think Juan Pabs can tell this one definitely can’t be trusted to chauffer around his daughter while he’s out being “a sports and music agent.”

Alli is 26 and a nanny, from Chicago.  Alli’s wearing soccer cleats and kicks a ball over to J-Pabs, saying, “I’m looking for a teammate.”  Ugh.  WHATEVER HAPPENED TO GENUINE CONVERSATION

Next up, Amy J!

This is a dress apocalypse.  I know that’s a very unflattering picture of Amy but I needed her to see it.  Amy, throw away that dress.

Next out of the limo?  Renee!  The single mother we met earlier.  Then next is Lauren H, the jilted one, who thankfully keeps quiet about the whole iancé-fey ilting-jay ituation-say before heading into the house to start crumbling from the weight of it.

Maggie is a 24yo personal banker from North Augusta, SC and Kelly is an unemployed dog lover from Atlanta who thought it’d be cute to bring her dog along.  Maybe if it was a frenchie but her dog was dumb-looking.  If I were Juan Pablo I would reject her on the basis of not wanting to be seen walking that dog.

I have not had a bowel movement in 24 hours.  I’ve just been thinking about that.  I’ve been thinking, eating and breathing this show since Monday night and all I’ve really packed my mouth with is carbs and Coke to stave off the suicidal thoughts.  I just looked up “i can feel my heart beating in my lips” – apparently it’s anxiety?  Writing about reality tv gives me anxiety.  Look mom, I made it!

Next is Lacy, the “Nursing Home Owner.”  Lacy fed him a pill from a GIGANTE pill bottle she stole out of an elderly patient’s bathroom cabinet.  This girl really knows how to turn a guy on!  I’m this close to throwing my computer across the room

Alexis is 24 and a communications director from Tampa.  Alexis sprechen sie Spanish.  From what I know of Juan Pablo’s English, that ability will be a GAMECHANGER.

Next is Kylie, age 23.

Kylie is a redhead who wore a pink dress, cue obligatory mocking.  No but honestly that’s a terrible dress, did you get that in Walmart’s toddler pageant section?  Nothing could happen to her later tonight that would be any more embarrassing than wearing that dress.

Sharleen is an opera singer.  Sharleen is humble, dressed appropriately, seems smart and is not quick to throw herself at a man she’s just met.  How did she get on this show.

Andi rounds out the bevy, and we move into commercial.

COCKTAIL PARTY / DRINKING COMMENCES

Back from commercial and the girls are greeted by Juan Pablo inside the home.  Cue incessant giggling and laughing at literally everything he says despite none of it being funny.  Why do we do this?  Why do we girls DO THIS.

There’s a photo booth set up for the party, and this lends an air of legitimacy to what I’m doing here, given this is a wedding blog.  Weddings have photo booths, so, yeah.

Nikki’s first to meet with Juan Pablo.  Nikki spent two weeks bedazzling her dress so she’s not going to just sit around on her ass waiting for him to approach her.

Nikki tells him she’s not just a nurse, she’s a pediatric nurse, expecting a reaction.  She continues to talk and Juan P attempts to speak English to her, getting out “you …. heart …. BOOM BOOM.”  This is pretty much the theme of the night.  Juan Pablo half-drunk and trying to parse together answers to the few words of English he can pull from what the girls are saying to him.

Renee and JP talk outside, too.  She reveals the fact that she got married to her ex because she was pregnant, which is a good ice breaker I think.  They go on to milk the *we’re both parents of young kids so we have that in common* thing for all it’s worth and conversation quickly dries up.

Next is Lucy, the free spirit who hates shoes.  GTFO of my face Lucy.

Amy J the masseuse is next up.  Her game plan is to sexually assualt Juan Pabs during a romantic outdoor massage.  She achieves this.  Here’s what you need to know about Amy J: she climaxes during work hours and no way is her crazy ass staying past this episode.

When we come back from commercial I start to get the idea that things are about to get significantly more intense, because the music is instructing me to think that way.

Jilted goes, “I have such a great life but my love life has sucked and so I deserve a rose if anybody here does.”  Can’t argue with that.

After exchanging pleasantries with the bachelor, Elise tells us she believes her recently deceased mother is working through Juan Pablo to create a love match for her all the way from Heaven.  Whatever gets you through it.

Next we pan to a group of girls becoming noticeably anxious for whatever reasons their individual troubled upbringings bring to the table.  Jilted is starting to lose her shit.  Her otherwise completely normal reaction to competing on television against other women for the love of an out of work father is not the norm reaction in her current environment, so she’s beginning to question herself.  Save for Sharleen, each of these girls is literally certifiable.  One even believes her dead mom’s eyes were looking at her through JP’s head.  These women are disconnected shells of their former selves.  (I don’t have anything funny to say about that, it’s just sad and upsetting.)

Jilted spends the next 5 edited minutes going around explaining how stable, positive and strong she is through an endless waterfall of tears.

Now it’s time for Jilty to one-on-one with JP.  I think this will go well!

She starts out with “I didn’t want to lead with this, but..”  Not good.  I’m a little worried she’ll lead with the breakup.  Still I have confidence that she won’t be stupid enough to get into the details, like mentioning that canceled wedd-OHMYSHIT she just mentioned it.  At this point I’m watching through a slit between my fingers because this has turned into a horror movie.  How does she not know this is a bad topic?  I’m becoming concerned that Elise’s deceased mother has hijacked the conversation.  Every girl knows that you don’t talk about your crazy on the first date.  It’s basic dating training.  You don’t unleash the crazy until at LEAST three months in.

In her interview, moments after talking Juan Pablo’s ear off about the insurmountable pain she’s been going through after being jilted just a few months ago, she says she “hopes she didn’t mess it up.”

—

Stuff happens and I don’t care.  Then it’s Sharleen meeting outside with Juan Pablo.  I start paying attention again.

They sit down and Juan Pablo tells Sharleen he likes her dress; “it’s different.”  Sharleen’s wearing a dress that fails to direct 100% of Juan’s retinal attention to the breast and buttocks areas of her body — this affords Juan a unique opportunity to focus more of his blood flow on cultivating a meaningful mental connection.  Best strategy of the night.  Who knew that all it took to connect meaningfully with another human being was to not impersonate a Bratz Doll while you’re talking to him?

Juan Pablo is super into the opera singer.  So am I.  Juan Pablo has decided to give her the first impression rose.  When he gets up Sharleen has NOTHING good to say about him.  On his way to get the rose he passes some girls sitting nearby

and greets them accordingly.  Juan Pablo sits back down next to Sharleen, he offers her the rose.  She all but runs away screaming from him before accepting it.  She asks producers that her answer to “What is your biggest fear” be changed to “taking IQ tests” on the Potential Dating Scenarios questionnaire she was asked to fill out during casting.

Sharleen was clearly apprehensive about accepting the rose.  It’s possible that in her attempts to connect with him on a more intellectual level, she was left Juanting more.

At this point I’m Juan hour and 30 minutes into the show and many more hours than that into the recap and I’m considering scrapping the whole thing, just so that I can stop watching.  I’m actually ashamed to admit to you how much time I’ve spent on this, I literally won’t ever tell you.  It’s that embarrassing to me.

TIME TO HAND OUT SOME ROSES

As I watch these girls assemble I can’t help but notice how pisspoor my commitment to nail, hair, body and face maintence is in comparison.  According to their bios on abc.com, most of the ladies in this bevy spend upwards of one hour on their hair and makeup before leaving their home.  And I bet they’re not spending 45 minutes of it sitting on their bed lamenting the fact that they even have to do it, like I do.  My evening hair and makeup routine is a 15-minute RUSH TO COMPLETION rightbefore we have to leave, which means the below happens way more often than I’d like it to

Don’t you hate it when that happens?  I facking HATE IT.

ROSE CEREMONY

After a brief meeting with Chris Harrison to rehearse the girls’ names, Juan Pablo is ready to start the ceremony.

Chris instructs the girls on how to react if Juan Pablo indeed offers them a rose; saying- “step over, accept the rose.”  Everyone’s like, “DUHHH” except for Kylie, who struggles to understand.

It is time for Juan Pablo to find a mother for his daughter.

Juan Pablo steps out into the rose ceremony.  Juan Pablo says some really insincere shit and then picks Baby Bump as his numero uno.  WHAT?  Ok.

Here are the people who get roses:

Nikki.  Renee.  Andi.  Alli.  Chantel.  Lauren S.  Kelly and that dog.  Cassandra.  Danielle.  Chelsie.  Ka–OHMYGOD KYLIE JUST STEPPED FORWARD WHEN HE SAID ‘KAT’ OHHHMYGODDDD I AM DYYYIIIIINGGGGG

Victoria.  (I didn’t even know there was a Victoria.)  Christie.  Lucy the fucking IDIOT.  Elise.

And the Final Rose goes to…

Amy L.

Here’s who didn’t get roses:

Christine.  Ashley.  Amy J.  Kylie.  Lauren H.

I am left feeling genuinely sorry for these women.

THE END THANK GOD

Ok so, did the ones you wanted to make it make it?  What do you think of Juan Pablo?

Btw, I hope this recap wasn’t a fucking BORE.  I’ve checked it over so much now that I literally can’t tell if it’s even worth publishing anymore.  Probably not Juan of my best I’m afraid.

xo, Alison

Credits: eyeliner meme via the internet

It’s Saturday.  Here, finally, is your Episode 2 recap.

LET’S BEGIN.

The show starts with previews of the show.  EVERYTHING is going to happen.  Yet nothing at all.  I’m ashamed at how excited I am for such manufactured nothingness to unravel.

Flash to Dog Lover’s dog, Molly, who is swimming in the pool.  Molly couldn’t swim before The Bachelor but this pool is filled with the salt of 27 women’s tears so she’s practically floating.  It’s really good to see that at least one of the girls is growing from this experience.  

Clare is getting ready to go on her one-on-one date with Juan Pablo.  Her date card is “Let’s Chill.”  She tells us “I don’t go to bars, I don’t do online dating, and I don’t go on dates.”  She has never met a man in her life, and asks producers where the penis is on the male body.  ”I know it sounds crazy, but this could be the first date with my future husband,” she tells us.  I don’t understand why they say it when they know it sounds crazy.

Juan Pablo arrives and greets the girls.  Next Juan Pablo blindfolds Clare in front of the women and the two drive off.  Romantic!

Sitting blindfolded in the passenger seat, Clare’s mind wanders to her dad, mostly thoughts of the many good times she had with him and how maybe he’s happy for her right now.  She starts thinking of all the lessons he taught her before his untimely death, like that one about never letting a man blindfold you and then take you to another location.  Clare yells out “THIS DOES MAKE ME KIND OF NERVOUS” but fortunately, Juan Pablo is right there to calm her down by not doing a thing to make the situation less threatening.

They arrive at the date.  It is a field of fake snow, and some fake ice.  They’re going to sled and skate on it.  Clare is EUPHORIC.

Clare rather cutely starts saying some of the dumbest shit I have ever heard about fake snow and fake ice and her relaysh with Juan Pablo.  I need this series to end soon.

Cut to the bevy at home, some of whom are relaxing in the hot tub.  One of them is acting like she’s happy for Clare that Clare is spending time with the man the girl ultimately wants to marry at the end of this show.  I’m sure she’s being genuine about it.  It reminds me of this:

Free Spirit is also in the hot tub and naked.  This is Free Spirit’s purpose this season.  Free Spirit is ABC’s answer to dwindling male viewership.  I definitely should be madder at her but I can’t be bothered, this is minor, volunteered objectification compared to what’s coming up later in the show.

After commercial we are brought into a one-on-one date card ceremony.  Everyone is smiling and no one is happy.  The date card is for Kat; it reads “Kat, I can FEEL the electricity… Juan Pablo.”  You know JUAN Pablo wrote this ONE IF you’ve ever SEEN his TWEETS.

CUT BACK to the winter wonderland one-on-one.  Clare feels like they’ve been connecting so well, so why not ruin everything by talking about the devastating effects of brain cancer?  Clare tends to go into detail about the dad thing during every interaction in life, because she’s the only one ever to lose a father.  She has chosen a sensual hot tub massage as the ideal time to unload her dead dad story onto Juan Pablo, and her timing couldn’t be better.  Every girl knows delivering a sexually-charged massage is one of the few times your guy will stay still and listen to you talk through your sadfeels without being (too) tempted to stop you before you finish.  Clare is hopeful that her dad is smiling down on her from Heaven right now, and it’s likely!  Can being one of twenty of a dude’s girlfriends be considered anything but a father’s dream?

Actually, I’m sure if Clare’s father is looking down from Heaven right now he’s very

about it.  But w-evs, it’s happening.  Next – to me and her dad’s surprise – Juan Pablo is totes into it and awards Clare the rose for sharing her story.  It gets pretty hot and remember Clare is half-naked for most of it so at this point Clare’s father is most definitely looking down on them right now – like literally looking down on them, in disgust.  It’s an amazing show.

A mediocre singer I’ve never heard of performs for them and it’s lovely.  I can’t stand it.

ONE ON ON DATE: KAT AND JUAN PABLO

I hated this date and I can’t explain why.  It’s a big production but essentially this is a mini marathon where thousands of people, including JP and Kat dress up in light-up clothing to dance-jog down city streets to a throbbing techno beat.  It is the cocaine-fueled-dance-party equivalent of a one-on-one date, which- I’ve always felt to be one of the better atmospheres for determining if someone is marriage material.  So we’re off to a good start.

The whole thing looks pretty lame but I’m sure it must have been exhilarating for all involved.  I’m trying to come up with stuff to say but I can’t because I’m so hopelessly bored.  Kat gets a rose because Juan Pablo’s dick gets a boner when he sees her, no other reason.  Then I see previews of what’s coming up after the commercial and I stop worrying about having enough material to write about.

COMMERCIAL

I fast forward a little into the show after the commercials but I don’t bother rewinding.  I fight the anxiety that I might have missed something worth mocking.  I question my life’s purpose.

GROUP DATE TIME

It’s time for the group date.  Chelsie, on cocaine, expresses her excitement about the group date saying she “did one of these” when she found out

Kelly, on Valium, slurs the words “date card said ‘Say Cheese’” and “I assume it’s a photo shoot but maybe it’s eating cheese… I’m good at both…”

39 minutes in and I’m pretty sure Juan Pablo doesn’t speak English.  Juan Pablo tells the girls they’re doing a photo shoot and is joined by some people including a man with a blue goatee, because blue goatee screams ARTIST! to blue goatee guy.  To me it screams Creeper.  I decide to stop judging.

The shoot is for “Models for Mutts” in association with a local dog adoption agency (aww!) and the girls will need to get partially naked for it, OH.  [AUDIBLE SIGH.]  With a permanent smile on his face the guy representing the dog adoption place tells the girls how badly these dogs need owners, “so if you could beautify them up a little bit (by accepting that you’re just an object and posing your nude body suggestively around the animals in an attempt to attract the eyes of our highly coveted “pervert pet adopter” market) I think it’s gonna help them find a home.”

I love how a semi-naked photo shoot is considered a normal approach to dating on this show.  Nude photo shoot group date for a good cause!  Because there’s no better way to find out if someone is marriage material than to see if they’ll loose themselves of their dignity in order to advance levels in game shows.  Btw this is possibly the most underhanded, smart way to get a woman to feel guilty about not having gotten naked in front of you already.  You almost can’t reason your way out of it.  If you don’t get naked the dogs die.  Sucks.  Just sucks.  Shitty situation that all of them absolutely knew they would be getting into when they signed up for this show.

I honestly can’t believe I’m wasting even a moment of my time getting worked up about this.  But I am!  I’m actually getting really worked up.  Not so visibly upset that I risk looking bitter in front of my fiancé watching next to me, but upset.  And then even more upset, because I start to get angry about how my visible upsetness will likely be interpreted as bitterness and jealousy and I CAN’T WIN.

The two people who have to get the most naked to save dogs are the ones with actual careers to maintain; Andi, an Assistant District Attorney and Elise, the school teacher with a dead mom.  Let’s hope mom isn’t watching.  I can guarantee you Clare’s dad is watching.  Creepy Guy with the blue beard, who was already creepy by entering the room, hands the two girls their outfits in the creepiest way possible – with maniacal laughter.  The “outfits” are just pieces of rectangular posterboard that have words printed on them, like “ADOPT.”

I am outraged, being a woman.  Andi is concerned what doing a nude photo shoot will do to her reputation.  Nothing more than what competing on The Bachelor will do to her reputation.  She goes on for a while complaining and panicking over her lack of clothes.  If only she had the legal training to argue her way out of having to wear that costume.

I should be clear; Andi and Elise *do* push back on having to wear their tiny outfits, but their pleas to be treated with respect are laughed off and totally ignored because I wanna say rape culture?  Yeah rape culture.

Elise switches costumes with Lucy because Lucy is the naked girl, so that worked out!

At this point I realize I am watching porn.

This is porn.

So Lucy will be naked and Elise will be a fire hydrant.  But we still have Andi.  Andi approaches Juan Pabs about feeling uncomfortable about only wearing a sign and requests more clothing for the shoot.  Juan Pabs is like “OMG STFU.”  No he didn’t say that, but he might as well have.  Because he didn’t actually let her wear more clothing, despite that being her only request.  The two walk away from the exchange feeling more bonded than ever.

The photo shoot happens.  Various girls pose with Juan Pablo in outfits that are meants to reflect the types of dogs they’re posing with and Juan Pablo says stuff like “This fun” and “AaaaAAAhh” – the typical fare.  Here’s how the nakey pics turn out:

Back from commercial and Juan Pablo and the ladies have taken the party to a rooftop pool.  Best place to get wasted is on a rooftop near an uncovered pool, I always say.  The girls are elated.  Son-having Cassandra decides this is a good time to reveal that she has a son.  She tells him, giggling through the admission like a little girl because that’s literally what she is (chronological age has no bearing on emotional age on this show).  Right when Cassandra tells Juan Pablo the son news you can see he visibly shakes, like his entire body convulses, for a brief moment.  So you know he’s cool with it.

I look back up from writing and he’s with Renee, the other mother.  Juan Pablo moves fast.  He doesn’t have time for making conversation or even saying words.  Next scene we’re taken to is the roof party, where everyone’s being super chill and not visibly focusing too heavily on how the man they love is bonding with other women who have designs on him.  Suddenly I hear “heyyyyyy girrrrrl heeeeeyyyyy” and I cringe, almost in the way I would if I were suddenly finding out that my girlfriend has a son.  The phrase “hey girl hey” is so 2013.  I’m worried the show’s writers are becoming lazy and recycling last season’s material.  Because they definitely don’t already do that kind of thing on The Bachelor/ette.  Anyway Victoria’s drunk.  Fortunately there’s a pediatric nurse on hand to treat the child.  Nikki tells her that she needs to tone it down

and goes on to say “I think everybody thinks you’re a little hammered and crazy right now,” which I’m sure doesn’t make Victoria any more uncomfortable than she already is.  Nikki has great bedside manner.  It reminds me of the time I went to the hospital at age 11 for an asthma attack and my doctor said “No thanks” when I told him I was breathing so much better that I would like to sing a song for him.  It’s not like I’ve held onto that rejection for my entire life.  Victoria will be fine.

Victoria tries to explain to some of the girls that she’s not drunk

and it’s convincing.  It’s a convincing case.  She explains “nahuh, I juzzgot hrrrr! annat hammered.  Disis howahhmmsoberrrr.  Ahm jus FUN, sobrrrr.”  That’s verbatim.  One hour left in the show.

Back from commercial and Victoria is awesome.  Victoria is single-handedly making this show awesome.  I hate this show so much and the only things I look forward to are when the girls get so drunk that they either a) become uninhibited and hilarious or b) fall apart under the pressure.  Victoria gave us both!  Here are some noteworthy quotes from the downfall:

1. “Juan Pablo izz my boyfriennnn.”

2. “Today I gave him the hymen maneuver, I saved his life.  I should totally get a rose for that.”  That sounds rose-worthy, yes.

3. “Everyone’s like, oh, you straddled Juan Pablo?  Like, if you do the hymen maneuver and somebody’s laying down and dying, you’re gonna have to straddle them.”  This actually seems to make sense, there is probably no other way to administer the hymen maneuver.

4. “Whose leg do I have to hump around here to get some time with Juan Pablo?”

After her drunk interviews she goes in search of Juan Pablo, who she discovers hanging out with his other girlfriend Nikki.  When Victoria sees this she does what any other drunk girl would do: FREAKS THE FUCK OUT.  At this point Victoria clearly wants off camera.  Which means she’ll be the only thing on camera for the next 10 minutes.  She runs to producers asking that she be allowed to go home, but they don’t allow it citing her safety.  She’s drunk, wearing only a bikini, and unraveling emotionally.  If they let her leave now she’ll waste all that on strangers.  Much safer to let it all play out on television.

We’re back from commercial and still on the roof, everyone’s wearing blankets and talking about Victoria.  Juan Pablo goes to check on Victoria who is in the ladies room.  I’m assuming she went there thinking it was the only place where she could be alone.  Nope!

Juan Pablo tries to talk to Victoria through the bathroom stall but Victoria is resistant, humiliated and broken.  Or she can’t understand his English.  Doesn’t matter because he gives up quickly and goes outside to chill with his saner girlfriends.  Dog Lover gets the date rose for being brave enough to dress up in blackface during the photo shoot

and tells us she’s happy about it because she can “sleep in, chill at the pool, I don’t have to pack my bags which is a lot of stuff,” reminding us that she’s here for the right reasons.  I like Kelly.  I think I’ll give her the dignity of calling her Kelly from now on.

Before Juan Pablo leaves he asks the girls he’s dating to keep an eye on that other girl he’s dating.  They oblige.  In interviews they gush about how great a man Juan Pablo is, because it’s not every day a guy can be bothered to spend 5 seconds with a girl, leave her for dead, and then charge her enemies with her care.  One girl says “It was really honorable how Juan Pablo handled the situation.”  Another says “He is such a gentleman, it’s so respectable of him to act in that manner.”  Am I dying?

Back from commercial and some of the women are gossipping about Victoria’s behavior and how it was unacceptable.  They are just so happy to have something to talk about.  Victoria is no longer staying at the mansion.  Juan Pablo visits Victoria and she apologizes.  Juan Pablo accepts this apology but explains that he wants a mother for his daughter plus two more babies and, based on last night’s behavior, Victoria doesn’t seem capable of abstaining from alcohol for a consecutive 18 months once the show wraps.  He must let her go.

Back from commercial (there are so many fucking commercials I CANNOT) and it’s the eveningwear portion of the date.  Everyone is dressed up and ready to drink some more because what better way to round out a day of excessive drinking than with more drinking.  Next thing we know Juan Pabs is taking Amy the television reporter out for some one-on-one cocktail party time.  She chooses to throw it all away by performing a mock interview in front of him.  Clare’s dad is laughing.

Next, Juan Pablo is escorting Sharleen the opera singer to an area where they can have some one-on-one time.  She’s wearing a dress that is a Pablo Picasso version of the dress she wore last week, there’s fabric everywhere.  It looks like she got stuck in window drapes, it’s elegant.

Cassandra who has a son at home is crying uncontrollably about being separated from her son, despite having chosen to be separate from him.  House Mother Renee is there to comfort her until Juan Pablo enters the room, at which point she leaves the room so the lovebirds to talk.  Renee is doing it wrong.  Cassandra explains to Juan Pablo that she would be sad to be apart from her son for so long if there was no real potential for her and Juan Pablo.  The amazing man he is, Juan Pablo reassures her that the moment he’s no longer getting a chub from just glancing at her figure, he’ll promptly send her home without hesitation.  She feels reassured.  They spend several minutes with their faces 5 inches apart but all she gets is an Obama fist bump.

During the commercial break the worst shows in the history of modern television are teased, and I throw up in my dog’s mouth.  Right in it.  Sean and Catherine’s wedding is teased as well and I couldn’t be LESS INTERESTED.  I’ll of course be tuning in.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME

Kat, Kelly and Clare already have roses going into the ceremony.  Everyone hates them.  Chris Harrison explains what roses are and how to accept them when they are offered to you, and it seems all the girls comprehend the instructions tonight.  First girl Juan Pablo calls is Cassandra, so clearly I misread their lack of chemistry.  Then it’s Nikki… then Andi… then Elise… then Sharleen…  then Renee… then Danielle… then LUCY >:^(… then Allison… then Chelsie… then piano-peddling Lauren… and the Final Rose goes to…….

Christie.

REJECTED: Amy the tv reporter.  Chantel the only black girl.  They seem genuinely upset that a dating show didn’t result in a meaningful long-term relationship.  I don’t understand our world.

PREVIEWS OF UPCOMING SHIT

We are repeatedly reminded that Catherine and Sean haven’t had sex yet via commercials about Sunday’s episode that will be catching us up on past couples and previewing their wedding.  They point to their wedding night bed and call it “Consummation Station.”.  Keep it to yourselves you freaks.

In the previews for Sunday night’s show we also see flashes from the Mesnick wedding, Desiree Hartsock feigns happiness regarding her relaysh with Chris, and Ryan of Trista & Ryan is looking SUPA DUPA ELDERLY now.  WOW.  Wow.  Aging sucks!

… So, thoughts?

Love,

Alison

lead image courtesy of Juan Pablo Galavis

New experiences bond couples.  It’s a fact.  Sharing a new experience, like traveling together to a foreign land or even just hiking up an unfamilar trail does something chemical in your brain, the result being that you feel happier to be with your partner and that much more connected to one another than before.  It’s science.  And I think that beats getting a blender any day.

I don’t know about you but honestly the last thing I want is a blender for my wedding.  I have a blender.  I have plates.  I have flatware.  We’ve been living together for a while, we have acquired the basic necessities of living an adult life.  What I don’t have is a sensational 7 night stay in St. Lucia for zero dollars out of pocket.  I WANT a 7 night stay in St. Lucia for zero dollars.  Or Bali.  Or Italy.  Or Greece!  Or all of the places all in a row.  And Traveler’s Joy can give this to me.  Therefore, I love Traveler’s Joy (and I’m far from the only one).

I’m inclined to think you’d agree, too, that make out sessions on the same old couch can get kinda boring.

Bambino and Little Guy enjoying a makeout sesh on – where else? – the couch

A couple needs a change of scenery every once in a while.  Especially after they’ve gone through the emotional ups and downs of planning a wedding together.  That shit can get hectic.

So that’s where Traveler’s Joy comes in.  Traveler’s Joy let’s you have your cake and eat it, too.  It lets you go on a totally free-to-you dream vacation on the backs of your dear wedding guests.  This is a win-win situation, since nobody in their right mind actually wants to buy someone a blender to celebrate the fact that they got married.  What a SNORE.  I’d much rather contribute to a couple’s adventurous sexcapades on an island in the southern Aegean Sea…

You can go ahead and get started on your registry right now if you’d like: click here to get going.  It’s mighty easy and super fast.  Or click here to see some of the best and coolest honeymoon registries already crafted by other couples, for inspiration.  It’s arranged by region of the world.  ORRR, check out some of the most romantic honeymoon getaways possible.  I could spend all afternoon in there.

How it works: you can have a complete registry in just a matter of minutes.  Couples choose from a list of 50 theme based (think beach, cruise, or mountains) or location specific (think Italy, Hawaii or St. Lucia) item lists.  With one click, the items and experiences your hearts desire are added to your registry.  You can edit or delete any item at any time and/or add more later on.  And it’s not just the voyage you can register for; couples can register for physical items, like cameras and video-cameras.  Even flip-flops, people.

Btdubs, group gifting is what makes this so special: it’s easy to divide the cost of expensive items into manageable portions.  This way your guests can spend what they personally feel comfortable spending on you, while still contributing to what you really want.

But wait, there’s more!  If you dig giveaways you’ll want to sign up with the quickness, because between May 1st and October 31st of this year Traveler’s Joy is running a stellar special offer — every month they’ll pick one lucky couple on their wedding day and TRIPLE the honeymoon gifts they receive from their registry.  What?  WHAT?  It’s just too good a deal to pass up.  If you register by April 30th you’ll automatically be entered to win!!!

In closing, let me just say that at the tippy top of my list of fun things to do with my person are a) travel to amazing vacation spots and b) spend absolutely none of our own hard-earned money facilitating these travels.  Suffice it to say, the two rarely (never) go hand in hand.  TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS OPPORTUNITY PEEPS.  I promise you, it’ll be the second best decision you ever made, second only to marrying your beloved.

*This is a partnered post.  Of course, I hand-pick all sponsors of TKB to make sure they’re a perfect fit for you guys and for the blog.  All opinions expressed are my own.

Happy Friday!  -Alison

It’s me again.  I have a giveaway to share with you guys today!  YayYUH.

Ok, so – if you’re like most brides, planning your wedding can be both emotionally and financially stressful.  There’s the struggle to find the perfect dress, the perfect accessories, not to mention plan that perfect honeymoon – and all within a budget.  Talk about overwhelming.

That’s why I’m pretty pumped to introduce to you this killer opportunity.  Shop Your Way Sweeps & TLC’s “Say Yes to the Dress” are offering you access to win a dream wedding prize worth over $30,000.  YESSSSS.  Not only is that a whopping helluva prize, but it’s super simple to enter to win it, too.  The prize includes a dress credit, a fitting from one of the top bridal shops in Manhattan, a dream honeymoon, and jewelry and apparel from Sears and Kmart.

Enter now through April 14, 2013 – click right here to enter, sweeties.  While you’re there, you might want to check out all the other great benefits of Shop Your Way Sweeps.  There are 1000’s of sweepstakes live now, and lots more added daily.

Lots of luck, my friends!

xo, Alison

Want to have an outdoor party, but the weather’s lousy?  NO PROBLEM.  Here’s a hack… sort of.

One of the most coveted styles of party these days remains the outdoorsy, woodsy, greeny, lush and naturey look (I definitely just made up some words but whatever).  That usually means: wood elements, at LEAST a few succulents because SUCCULENTS ARE EVERYTHING, other types of plant life, generally a rustic vibe and – because who doesn’t love it – a bit of gold speckled throughout.  Not too much, because that’s tacky.  But just enough.  By the way I might have thrown in a bit too much gold.  Hopefully it’s not tacky, though.  Sorry I LOVE GOLD.

Featured in today’s shoot are some sharp mini champagne bottles, because – cool giveaway alert - Freixenet is doing a giveaway of their adorably packaged champagne bottles.  Would you like to win 125 beautiful little mini bottles of Freixenet bubbly, plus a ginormous Memory Magnum bottle as well, to use on your wedding day, all for the low low price of free?  The appropriate answer is who wouldn’t.  So yeah if you’d like a shot at winning one of six of these prize packages, pop over to Freixenet’s All Love Sparkles sweepstakes, which is taking place over on their facebook page.

Now, as I was saying — while we’d all like to have a lovely little garden party outside, sometimes that just doesn’t work out.  Depending on where you live, it’s possible your only viable option for parties may be indoors!  In other cases, the weather for an entire week leading up to your party day could be full of sunshiney rays, and then BAM, rain all day.  Huge bummer.

Not so fast.  It doesn’t have to be a bummer!  I decided for this shoot I’d show you guys how to have that coveted outside garden party look, indoors, if the weather just isn’t cooperating.  Stupid weather, doesn’t it know who you ARE? :)

I really wanted to show you that you can still have the garden party of your dreams, even on the dreariest of days!  I DIY’d a crapload of the things you’re about to see, like these terrariums in lightbulbs for example:

… so lemme know if you’d like me to share how to at some point later on the blog.  Aright, to the pictures…

Yes, that’s a Pez dispenser spray-painted gold.  Because why not?

That little golden cake is an eraser!  Just another little favor for your bridesmaids to take home.

Lovely little botanical-inspired notebooks from Rifle Paper Co., again, for your lucky bridesmaids to take home!

Watch out, btw, if you decide to introduce wildlife in your indoor styling… they may steal your treats..

Remember, if you wanna win one of those enormous prize packages, enter here, friendlies.  You get 125 beautiful little mini bottles of Freixenet bubbly, not to mention a ginormous memory magnum bottle as well, all for you to use on your wedding day.  What’s not to love about that :)

What do you think of the inspiration today?  I’m no professional, but I did my best!

xo, Alison

Everybody knows it.  But nobody’s talking about it.  Wedding invitations have gotten pretty crazy expensive these days.

I’m sure you’ve noticed; it is RIDICULOUS what you can end up spending on something as simple as PAPER.  It’s like, ungodly.  So – what do you do when you’re sensible, meaning you don’t want to blow your budget on invitation paper, BUT- you’d like to be able to send something out to your guests that doesn’t scream that you a) have terrible taste and/or b) are incredibly cheap?  Today’s answer is Ann’s Bridal Bargains.

Ann’s Bridal Bargains specializes in discount wedding invitations and accessories that aim to fit a couple’s style and vision for their wedding day.  They understand how quickly and easily wedding expenses can add up, and they get that today’s couples are focused on making their wedding day an expression of who they are.  They want you to know that it really is possible to stay on budget AND plan a wedding that’s uniquely you.

Now.  We may be calling these “cheap wedding invitations” but there’s really nothing cheap about them.  Even the most impressive wedding invitation design becomes dull and disappointing if it’s not printed and presented on the right kind of paper – Ann’s Bridal Bargains actually gets this.  So you get to select from a bunch of different paper options, and they offer free samples so you can see the things before you purchase them!  WINNING!  (I’m bringing back winning.)

Here are some selections from their rustic section I thought I’d show you:

You can see more of their rustic invitation selection here (this’ll take you to their site, where you can peep the whole rustic enchilada; for the wider selection view all invites, and other cool stuff).

Invitations are a personal thing.  You start out innocently enough wanting to get the perfect invite to fit your party, but then realize that if you’re not making it yourself, you’re likely going to have to spend some crazy amounts of dough to get the things made.  Like today I went out to get some invitations for a party for just 20 people and customization was going to bring it to around $100.  Think about that.  And there are better places to spend crazy dough, you guys.  Like on food.  Like on photography.  Like on cinematography.  Like on your dress.  If you ask me, it simply doesn’t make sense to spend exorbitant amounts of moola (unless you hit the lottery recently, or come from money, or elaborate costly invitations give you LIFE, or you want to live fast and die young <– the only exceptions) on a piece of paper that people will put on their fridge for a few days before marking your wedding date in their calendars and throwing the piece of paper away (right after they’ve used it to scoop up a dead spider they just swatted – I have done this, I’m sorry).

Invitations serve a specific purpose: informing the recipient of the date of your wedding.  Let them be just that.

A special offer for our readers – Get an extra 15% off your wedding invitation order with code KNOTTY15. That’s a deal on top of a bargain! Offer valid through 6/30/2014.

Little note: I have some BIG news coming up, that I’m finally going to announce.  It’s the kind of news you’re probably not going to believe, especially coming from me.  So stay tuned if you’re into life-changing news and stuff.  Or don’t.  Your call.  P.S. I miss and love you.

Love,

Alison

There’s this myth out there that since birth every girl’s been dreaming of her wedding, her engagement ring, her future babies and of course the person she’ll be getting all that from and doing all that with.  Now I don’t know about you, but I never fell into that category (and I felt like a full-on weirdo for a long time, not falling into that category, since that’s what a real girl is according to every single advertisement I’ve ever seen made about women).  These days, I finally know we’re all different and I’m not some crazy exception.  We all dream – or don’t dream – of very different things, and that’s fine.  But one thing’s for sure…

Whether or not you’ve grown up dreaming of the ring your beloved would eventually place on your finger, I’d like to bet that the *specifics* of that ring have been very well thought out.

Case in point.  A friend of mine got engaged a couple of weeks ago.  Almost everything went perfectly.  She loves the man who did it.  She loves the way he did it.  She’s a private person and didn’t see herself being able to express her true emotions in that moment if he’d done it in front of a crowd or their families; knowing this about her he dressed up in a three piece suit and proposed to her in the middle of their living room.  She even loves how quickly he did it – they’ve been dating for four months (courting one another at a little macaron shop in NYC for six months before that – I know, HOW ROMANTIC).

But there’s one thing that… if she’s honest… she hates about what went down.

The ring.

Designing your own ring is probably the one thing that I suspect every one of us would ultimately choose to do, if we were given the choice.  You’re going to be wearing that thing presumably for the rest of your natural life.  You should at least like looking at it, AMIRITE?

So, one of my favorite jewelers to hit up for just this purpose?  Joseph Jewelry.

Joseph Jewelry is located in the Seattle and Bellevue area where you can drop in to start up a design with one of their artisans or, if you’re not in the northwest, you can work with a designer online to create your custom piece(s) using their website.  They’re all about pleasing you, design-wise; you can customize one of their already existing pieces to make it more you, or you can work with a designer to build your own special design from scratch!  If you’re a purest and want your partner to handle the design based off of pointers from you, that’s easy too.  These designers seriously know what they’re doing.  By the way, they also offer engravings (I love me some engravings), both machine and hand engravings, and they’re done by a master hand engraver they have on staff.

You guys, I die over the designs they share online.  And I am someone who is ferociously against using the phrase “I die.”  So you have to see them.  I can easily spend an irresponsible amount of time browsing their engagement ring section, and I’ve already got a ring of my own, so yeah.

SEE, I WASN’T KIDDING.

Peace and love peace and love,

Alison

Hi lovely readers!

Today we’re sharing a DIY that requires *drumroll*… fake greens!  Eeek!  What would invoke such a thing?!  Well, clearly, we’re usually the #1 advocates for using fresh greens whenever possible… but occasionally, just occasionally, fake greens’ll do the trick.  In this case, it’s for what could be a more permanent fixture… a piece to hang over the bed, over the guest signing table, in front of the wedding party reception table (yes, those last two weren’t necessarily permanent but they can then be reused!).  Of course, if you prefer, you can also do this with real greens, but for all you who are looking for a DIY that might last a little over a week, this one’s for you ;)

What you’ll need:
- Fake greens
- Bark wire
- Battery-powered firefly/rice lights on metallic wire (like these)
- Hot glue gun
- Scissors

Step 1:
Shape the bark wire to form your letter — I did about a foot-and-a-half-tall cursive “a”.  Twist the wire to hold it in place where needed, or even use the hot glue gun for extra security.

Step 2:
Cut small sprigs of the fake greens and arrange them to cover the bark, attaching with hot glue.  You can get as bushy as you’d like with it, but I went for a more delicate look and kept it pretty light!

Step 3:
Twist in the rice lights and then… (the fun part) switch them on!
Yay!

Bright, glowy and green… and fake!  Can ya tell? :)

xoxo,  Kindred

On the lookout for more fun things to do/read?  Go check out everything Kindred has created for readers of TKB since the beginning of time of when they started doing it.  YayYUH!

I don’t know about you but I’m a HUGE FAN of a little thing called the destination wedding, for so many reasons.  Usually it involves a location that has sand and warm water nearby.  Usually it means you don’t have to invite as many people as your mom and in-laws would like you to invite.  And usually it means backdrops that will make your pictures more mind-blowing than you ever could have imagined in your wildest dreams.

A destination wedding is my personal favorite type of wedding, mainly because I haven’t had a vacation in way too long and I want anyone reading this to have one and invite me.  Just kidding, not really.  But anyway – today I’m sharing five intimate destination wedding locations that are so eye-poppingly gorgeous they’ll make your eyes bleed (in a good way) (ok I don’t think eyes bleeding can ever be a good thing but YOU GET ME).

(Quick note: you can check out a ton of intimate wedding setups over at DestinationWeddings.com right now, if you’d rather just get on with it.  They let you browse resorts by inspiration categories!)

El Dorado Maroma – Riviera Maya, Mexico

Maroma Beach is where it’s at.  If you don’t trust me just ask the Travel Channel, which ranked it one of the top ten best in the world.  For your wedding it’s quite perfect because it’s got these super unique thatched huts (read: palapas) where you can have a wonderfully intimate beach ceremony that everyone you know will likely want to replicate the moment they get engaged.  Only reason to avoid this location is if you don’t want to deal with jealousy and copycat weddings in your family. :)

Did I mention the suites at this resort have SWIM-UP ACCESS and a little something called INFINITY POOLS???  I believe I’ve sold you on this location, moving along…

Gran Caribe Real – Cancun, Mexico

Tell me, do floor to ceiling windows offering unobstructed views of the Mexican Caribbean appeal to you, when you imagine your wedding ceremony?  Then you’ll love the “Our Lady of Guadalupe” Oceanfront Catholic Chapel.  Obviously this spot is right on point for the couple seeking a lovely religious ceremony.  The religious among us deserve a gorgeous setting (and backdrop for photos) on their wedding day, and that can be hard to find for this set.  That’s why I love this location.

Isla Mujeres Palace – Isla Mujeres, Mexico

Isla Mujeres Palace is for you if what you desire is a small and private occasion.  It’s not touristy here; there’s a really amazing small town vibe going on and many of the beaches are untouched.  Who doesn’t LOVE THAT?

I’d like to note that the setup at Isla Mujeres Palace was literally made for your intimate beach wedding – it was custom built for just these types of occasions – and the pictures you’ll get, exchanging vows under a gauzy canopy pocketed by palm trees, will be the kinds of pictures you return to again and again for years to come.  You guys know how I feel – pictures are everything.  (Aside from the love you share of course.)

Couples Tower Isle – Ocho Rios, Jamaica

First of all, Jamaica.  Second of all, WE’RE TALKING JAMAICA, PEOPLE.  But I’ll try to be more specific about why I think you should have your wedding there – privacy.  If privacy is important to you as a couple, then you should very seriously consider this location for your wedding.  You and your honey can wed on the property’s secluded island – and it can be as private as just the two of you, or you can throw in some close friends/relatives.  One thing I can tell you for sure is I’ve never heard a couple complain that they regretted having a really private wedding.  So there’s some food for thought.

Dreams Los Cabos – Los Cabos, Mexico

So I can’t say enough good things about Los Cabos, that’s the honest truth.  I was there recently and my goodness the weather was perfection. <== this is very important to me, and usually determines my like/dislike for a place.  So there’s that.

Los Cabos is pretty well known for things like its celebrity crowd, its breathtaking mountain views and its killer spas.  But what I’d like to make you more aware of is its truly lovely gazebo beach garden setup – the thing is so perfect for an intimate sunset ceremony, you guys.  I cannot recommend it enough.

What do you think of the concept of a destination wedding?  Any of you had one, or are planning to have one?  Lemme hear your thoughts :)

Alison

Here’s the thing about letterpress: I LOVE IT.

Do you guys love it, too?

Today I’m bringing you guys a special deal from one of the leading letterpress invitation makers in the industry – Invitations By Dawn – that may prove hard to resist once you comprehend how significant the discount is.  High kick, woot!

Here is one reason I like Invitations By Dawn:

Here is another reason:

But you probably want to hear some more specific reasons, here they are:

But seriously folks, here’s the deal.  Invitations By Dawn has game.  They’ve been doing this whole wedding invitation thing for more than 30 years, and they get what the words stylish, chic, tasteful, fun and pretty mean, when it comes to crafting the perfect invite.  They’re also not afraid to be trendy, BUT- in the prettiest way possible.  That’s not something I can say for every invitation company that comes my way.  (And that’s why I don’t talk much about invitation companies.)  This one just has my heart.  The designs they offer are exclusive to Invitations By Dawn by the way; you won’t find them anywhere else, and they’re pretty much completely customizable.  They’re also printed on 100% cotton, heavyweight paper, making the quality ahh-mazing.

Also, NEON ANYONE?

It is difficult to deny how fun neon-anything still is.  Just look at the invitation above and it’s easy to see why I am obsessed with this trend!

Ok now here’s that special offer I mentioned: Invitations By Dawn is giving Knotty Bride readers 25% off your wedding invitations, with the code KNOTTY25.  YEAH!  This offer includes their premium collections, by the way, like Letterpress and Foil-Stamped (it excludes Disney Invitations, fyi).  The offer remains valid through 8/31/14, so probably hop to it if you’re interested.

Hope you dig!  Aren’t they pretty?  DEAR GOD I LOVE ME SOME LETTERPRESS.

xo, Alison

Think about it.  Instead of a down payment on your home, or a brand new car, or maybe that fabulously expensive piece of jewelry you’ve been coveting for a while, you’ve decided to spend a s**t-ton of your hard-earned cash on one single day of celebration – your wedding day.  Congratulations!  People do it every day without batting an eye.  But here’s my question: have you considered protecting that day the way you would all those other fantastically expensive things?

If not – why not?  You insure your home.  You insure your car.  You’d insure your jewelry.  Your wedding day is no different; it’s just another huge expense that can go horribly, horribly wrong… in seconds, and through no fault of your own.  That’s why we’re taking a moment today to talk about Markel Event Insurance.

Unfortunately, wedding insurance is something most don’t consider.   I DO NOT GET THIS.  Well maybe I do get this – it’s not something we normally talk about when we talk about our weddings.  It’s boring, and it’s not all that intuitive.  But that’s a definite shame, because we’ve ALL heard the horror stories.  Even the most calculating, think-of-everything brides fall prey to completely random and wholly unpreventable emergencies.  And then what?  What does one do?  Nothing.  There’s nothing you can do when something crappy happens.  And I’ve seen and heard about this exact thing happening to too many brides, in my opinion, for me *not* to talk about this today.

Let’s get more specific.  With Markel Event Insurance, you can be reimbursed for any non-refundable deposits you may have, in case you have to cancel or postpone your wedding due to unforeseen circumstances, like:

-       vendor bankruptcy

-       extreme weather (think hurricane)

-       military deployment

-       an accident or illness to the bride or groom, or one of their immediate family members

-       vendor no-shows

So trust me, and decide to protect one of the most important days – and investments – in your life with Markel Event Insurance.  Once you’ve taken care of that, you can feel free to rest easy as the big day approaches.  Because that’s the point.  Well, the point is to get your money back if something you can’t control goes wrong.  BUT- the other point is to give you the peace of mind that having insurance provides.  And who doesn’t benefit from a little peace of mind when it comes to one’s wedding day, eh?  (That’s a trick question.  EVERYONE.  No one is exempt from desperately needing peace of mind when it comes to wedding planning.  Just ask anyone you knew, EVER, who has planned a wedding.)

By the way, Markel also offers Wedding Liability Insurance.  Why is this important, you ask?  I’m glad you asked that.  Because you’d be surprised how many venues require such a thing these days.  At weddings people drink.  And then they go home.  Usually not by flying through the air on wings.  And unless you’re Moneybags McGee, you may not be providing them with a limo to and from the venue/hotel.  Take a moment to think about that, and what could potentially happen in that kind of situation.  Wedding Liability Insurance COVERS your liability due to guest-related accidents during and even immediately following your wedding.  Because paying the hospital bills for someone’s accident is the last thing you need to worry about on your special day.

Hopefully I’ve convinced you of the importance of getting wedding insurance, because I am dead serious about this.  It’s obviously your call, but it’s something I find uniquely important, and I want to encourage you to do things that I find important.  It’s kind of my job.  You can click here to get an instant quote for your wedding on Markel’s site or give them a call at 1-855-480-9757 to find out why wedding insurance is such a necessary thing to have.  And may I note: plans start at just $75, you guys.  It’s more affordable than you’re probably thinking.  Best part.

xo, Alison

—

You’re reading MARKEL EVENT INSURANCE | No one really talks about it, but wedding insurance is kind of a necessity… originally posted on The Knotty Bride

If you guys know me, you know I’m not a big fan of fad diets and cleanses.  Unless they work.  And it’s a mega bonus if they’re gluten free (gluten is BAAAAD, whether or not you’re allergic to it).  Soy and caffeine free = even better.  So that’s why, today, we’re gonna talk about Kaeng Raeng.  Because it works.

I like things that work, especially when they’re HEALTHY and make your colon happier.  There is literally nothing not to love about that.

I have to say, I’ve always been wary of trying out a cleanse – everything out there seems so unhealthy.  Just the idea of “cleansing” my body shouldn’t feel unhealthy to me.  This is why I’m a Kaeng Raeng fan; there are three all-natural flavors and each contains an ounce of freeze dried fruit (legitimate real fruit – I feel like I have to say that in this age of food fakeness), plus other important healthy components like protein, fiber and everything you’d typically get from your likely synthetic daily vitamin.

It’s pretty easy, too.  Drink three pouches per day (in addition to a healthy diet, ideally a raw vegan diet but I’m not your mom).  You mix the pouches with plain water, or you can make it interesting with some frozen fruit and ice <== smoothie time!

Recently, Kaeng Raeng launched Kaeng Raeng Bride.  These bridal packages are discounted cleanse packages made especially for the bride, the bridal party, even the happy couple.  I love a good discount and I imagine I’m not alone in this.  You can take a look at these packages (and the pretty significant savings) here.

I do want to note that if you check out Kaeng Raeng‘s reviews on the interwebs you’ll see people really rave about this cleanse.  Even Lauren Conrad is a fan.  I wouldn’t be sharing it with you if I didn’t think it was worth your while.  Duh.

Have you considered a cleanse?  I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.  I used to be super frightened of cleanses but this one took the fear away!

xo, Alison

Every once in a while something comes along that I swear is made just for me.  Like when they made the Real Housewives shows.  And sleeping.  And coffee.

Today that something is the miracle-working teeth-straightening product we all know and love, Invisalign®, and I’ve decided to partner with them here on The Knotty Bride so I can spread the good word to all you brides out there potentially stressing over your smile.  Because when you’re confident in your smile, you don’t think twice about smiling and having fun while people are taking your picture.

Now if you’re not already stressing over your smile please don’t let me go and get you started stressing over your smile.  You do YOU.  But if you are like me, and smiling is fun, you like it, and you want to do it on your wedding day without worrying about how those few crooked teeth you’ve sort of always been insecure about are going to look in the one million bajillion photos you’re bound to take on your wedding day… all of which you anticipate rejecting outright thanks to your mouth situation… then this product is for you.

Invisalign is awesome because it’s discreet while it’s working AND it starts showing results in just a matter of months; I mention that because the photo opps and parties start pretty soon after you get engaged and kind of don’t stop – engagement party, engagement shoot, bridal shower, bachelorette party – so it’s not like you have a ton of time to get things straightened out, face-wise.  With Invisalign you can go confidently into that engagement session without a worry about the pictures not turning out great.  If you’re someone who’s not in love with your mouth situation right now, you get how key this is.

According to a survey conducted by Wakefield Research, 92% of brides said a smile is the most important wedding day accessory.  That’s telling.  So I figured, why not launch a massive Invisalign prize package today on the blog?

You read correctly.  In addition to the free Invisalign treatment and a wedding photography package valued at $8500, four runner ups will win a $250 American Express gift card!

So.  Anyone want to win a new and improved smile from Invisalign?

Here’s how to enter the Invisalign Smile Ever After Pin to Win Sweepstakes:

1. Visit Invisalign on Facebook to start your entry
   
2. Follow @Invisalign on Pinterest
   
3. Check out Invisalign’s wedding planning tips and other inspiration pins on the Smile Ever After Pinterest board and then repin to one of your boards and you are entered to win!

Best of luck!

xo, Alison

This post is sponsored by Invisalign.

Here’s the thing about Zazzle, I love it.  This may sound weird but I visit the site several times a week – it’s addictive.  There’s just so much to ogle and you can get really creative.

Did you know they have wedding stationery there?  They do.  But not just any old wedding stationery.

PRETTY stuff.

Pretty stuff you can fully customize on the site.  In real time.

And it’s not just stationery, oh no.  They have like EVERYTHING else you could possibly need; menus, paper napkins, seating charts, stickers!, place cards, their infamous personalized postage stamps of course, even wedding gifts if you’re not the ones getting married.  To make things even more fun, they have all this stuff organized by style.  So if you love the vintage look, they’ve got you covered.  Same goes for the modern-loving couple.  The rustic section is crazy popular right now.  I’m also loving the floral and beach themed sections.  With Zazzle you can choose from innumerable designs all created by professional designers – and all of this at unbeatable prices.  <== why I love it so much.

Details matter, this is undeniable.  And I’m digging the details you can achieve here, people.  Their coordinated suites make for some stellar eye candy for your guests to eat up, from the moment they receive your invitation in the mail to the moment they sit down for dinner on your wedding day.  Who doesn’t love that?

Affordable and beautiful = ideal in my book.  I don’t think any of you would argue with me on that, but I could be wrong.  Fairly sure I’m not wrong though. :)

xo, Alison

Pictured: Photo Peach and Mint Wedding Typography Wedding Invitation / Sweet Floral Wedding Invitation / Vintage Floral Wedding Invitation / Chalkboard, clockwise: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 

Hey everyone!

So Wednesday I went to Claire Pettibone‘s runway show for her new Romantique collection.  I bout died.

Anyways not much to say other than THESE ARE AFFORDABLE DRESSES Y’ALL.  LIKE, I CAN ACTUALLY BUY ONE AND WEAR IT.

But before I get into it– remember this?  Well I want to expand on that news I sort of nonchalantly dropped in the title.  I am like a zillion months pregnant.  Just thought I’d tell you?  Sorry that I’m just now getting up the balls to announce it.  I’m 37 weeks, tomorrow, with my first (and last, if I’m unable to erase from my brain how bad this pregnancy has been).  Also, I just looked up “nonchalantly” to make sure I spelled it correctly and it says “feeling or appearing casually calm and relaxed; not displaying anxiety” – hehe, which is FUNNY, you guys, because I AM NOT AT ALL THOSE THINGS.  I am light years away from the things in that definition.  In fact I think in order not to be constantly tense about it I’ve convinced myself that this is just my new body and a baby isn’t actually going to be coming out of it.  Because HOW DOES THAT WORK.

Also, today my doctor told me there’s so much pressure on my tushie right now that I might want to consider a c-section to avoid UNIMAGINABLE HEMMIES, which she’s convinced are going to murder my behind if I have to push this infant out.  High kick, woot!  (Do let me know if you’d like me to get even more TMI about this, I’m poised and ready..)

Also please tell me it’s going to be ok……… please

How Bambino feels about it

It still looks cute in utero, we’ll see how long it takes for certain genes to kick in..

Do you guys want to see a pic of me with my gigantic belly?  Happy to share, I literally have no shame at this point.

Ok now the dresses:

Any favorites?

Also, is childbirth painful?  My google research hasn’t yielded anything definitive..

xo, Alison

I’m a big fan of insanely personalized weddings.  The kind where everything’s really specific to the couple’s taste, where each detail has been meticulously thought out and decided upon.  I certainly wouldn’t wanna do the work of course – I just like seeing the fruits of others’ labor.  Of course, no one really wants to do the work.  And DIY’ing that ish is paaaiiinful.  It always takes so much more money and effort and time than you anticipate.  So when you’re really into meticulously thought-out details, like I am, but you’re short on patience, it’s companies like For Love Polka Dots that REALLY come in handy. Here are just a few of my favorite things that they create:

this particular rustic wedding invitation suite

(you can view their entire rustic selection here)

this birch bark guest book

(their selection of wedding guest books is like UNPARALLELED)

this lovely vintage lace wedding invitation suite

their WHOLE SELECTION of adorable baskets, pillows and shoes, including this cute shabby chic duo right here..

The team at For Love Polka Dots is crazy talented, and wants to provide couples with something not only unique, but expertly handmade and well-crafted.  They consider their ideal client someone who’s “tired of the typical wedding printing” you so often see out there.  That pretty much describes me, and I’m thinking it describes a lot of you guys, too.  Definitely adore that they make all their invitations by hand, and are deeply concerned with the satisfaction of their clients.  Obviously that’s pretty key to a good experience and happy results.

They exist on facebook, too, if you’re looking for more inspiration!

Ok, SO – do you love this whole rustic vintage lace chic thing as much as I still do?  I really cannot get enough.  Makes me pretty excited that I haven’t even planned out my wedding yet (yes I know I’m taking FOREVER, LAY OFF).

xo,

Alison