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BACHELOR RECAP: IOWA RED FLAG PRIMARIES | Crazy is the new black. And one of these girls kills things and eats balls. < I am quoting. You can’t make this s**t up.

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Prologue: Happy Tuesday evening aka Bachelor Recap Night.  I trust my Bachelor-watching-readers have had the chance to watch the show?  I know, I feel like a ridiculous following yet another season, too.  It’s the nature of the beast; don’t be ashamed.  

Like many of you, I thought this season started next week, so I was pleasantly dismayed to find the premiere episode in my tv listings last night.  I pressed the record button, and proceeded to do anything other than watch The Bachelor with my time. 

Fast forward several hours to when I watched The Bachelor.  We begin.

“I AM BETTER NOW” MONTAGE

Still unattractive, Ben has returned to find love this season, and it’s clear he lucked out with Ashley rejecting him, because just look at this bevy of smart, low mainten– wait where did these whores come from.

Those are the– those women are the contestants?  Oh.  Well–oh. *worrisomely pulls at collar*

Accepting that ABC is not (no longer? was never?) casting for compatibility, let’s continue.

At the outset of the show, we see Ben’s purfactly executed rejection sequence from last season courtesy of Ashley, and then we find Ben, having filmed a sequence that shows him happy, happily doing wine-related things, and telling us the experience changed him as a person.  Reality shows tend to do that to people.  Ben says ”I never follow through in relationships.”  Well that’s a good start.  Let’s continue on with the show, which is clearly set up for romantic success, and not ratings.

We find out that Ben, deeply hurt by Ashley’s rejection, sadly retreated into the life of a rich person with a wealthy upbringing, and, trying to distract himself with anything he could find, dove headfirst into doing rich person things like building his winery with his best friends. We see Ben’s henleys are gone, replaced appropriately by neon orange everything, plaid farmer’s shirts and deep v’s.  I have nothing to say on the matter.  But this does make me miss Ames.

So, we’re ready to meet all the ladies who we are assuming are comfortable with moving to California since Ben is SO not going to move for anything/anyone.

Fast-forward to the lady bevy.  By the way – “25 “incredible” women,” Chrisharrison?

LIMO DELIVERY

AKA

WITH SO MUCH TO MOCK, ALISON’S TYPING FINGERS IGNITE WITH THE FURY OF A THOUSAND SUNS

Right off the bat, there are certain very apparent red flags that Ben should have picked up on.  Which Ben didn’t pick up on.  In no particular order, they were:

-a girl who sees tanning as a competitive sport and arrives with a full body complexion that’s akin to the racist Blackface performers of the vaudeville era, is going to be a handful, to put it lightly.  The dirtier-looking the fake tan, the dirtier-being her emotional past.

-girls who make dumb jokes and walk away thinking “nailed it.”

-girls who go on The Bachelor to find love.

MEET THE VAGINA-HAVING CONTESTANTS

(I cannot bring myself to call them “women,” sorry.)

PLEASE NOTE, and this is important: THIS YEAR MY MISSION IS TO BE SO AGGRESSIVE – BE, EEE, AGGRESSIVE – AT THESE LADIES THAT THE MERE THOUGHT OF WHAT I MAY WRITE ABOUT THEM IN RECAPS WILL LAUNCH AN INVOLUNTARY FEAR REACTION, CAUSING ALL GIRLS TO AVOID TRYING OUT FOR THE SHOW IN THE FUTURE.

AS I WAS SAYING, OUT COMES…

1. Rachel, 27…

… fashion sales rep from NYC – well, not anymore; she quit her job for this.  Red flag?  Typically, but not when you’re sex on a stick.  Also, she is stunning and too good for him in the face.  Nice touch with the red dress, and mentioning that your middle name is Rose.  Now he won’t forget to give you a rose, as was your plan.  Though it might be less your middle name, and more because he remembered how he wants to give you some dick.

2.  Erika, 23, law student, from Chitown - So, by Ashley Herbert standards, this girl’s name should be Erika, Esq. and her occupation Full Lawyer Status.  I don’t understand why they’re not listing her as a lawyer when they let Ashley be a full-blown dentist even though she was a student, but anyway it doesn’t matter she’s not going to win.  Mostly because she said “The verdict is in, and youuuu, are guilty….. (guilty of what, Erika) Guilty of being sexyyyAHHHAAHHAHAHHHA BUT YEAH NO, YOU DO, YOU LOOK VERY SEXY.” … is how she *recovered* from that joke fail.  Anyway, after she said that I was left wondering… this ‘joke,’ repeated over and over in her mind from the time she found out she was going to be on The Bachelor, to this moment right now, where quite literally her feet hit the pavement, at no time did she find it worth premeditatedly striking this joke from the record?  Or whatever jargon works there; I don’t go to law school.  Also, don’t these girls know that the first rule of fight club is you don’t involve the less exciting/less hilarious aspects of your profession in early conversation with a potential suitor? – Shawntel.

3.  Amber B. 23, Labor & Delivery Nurse from Port Coquitlam, Canada - ”My friends call me the baconator.
Her friends don’t call her that.
High energy and confident for some reason?  NOT ROSED.

4.  Elyse, 24, personal trainer from Chitown – Elyse says she’s gonna make him sweat a little bit.  Because she’s a personal trainer, no doubt.  And THEY MUST BE FORCING THEM TO SAY THIS STUFF RIGHT?

5.  Jenna, 27, (not really a) blogger from NYC – Jenna drinks wine very dramatically.
P.S. – walking into the mansion she said “oh god Jenna you RUINED IT.”  So can someone call for a heli-rescue before the next episode?  These are heli-rescue-level cries for help.  Let’s not let it get to actual heli-rescue level by allowing her to stay and compete AND IT’S TOO LATE, THE PRODUCERS MADE BEN KEEP HER.  Did I mention that she also said ”I should just die” when she got into the house?  Can we at least remove all sharp objects from the vicinity?  But heli-rescue is still my first choice.

…. and that’s all I’m going to say about Jenna.  Because I’m not interested in being the nail in the nail gun for this girls suicide attempt.

6.  Courtney, 28, model, Santa Monica, CA – Ben: ”that is aaaa PRETTY GURRRL.”  THE PENIS HAS DECIDED THAT SHE WILL MAKE IT FAR.

7.  Emily, 27, PhD Student, Chapel Hill - Epidemiology student.  Studies disease.  So she sanitized his hands (not weird at alllll), and freshened his breath (not at all weird either).  P.S. – did you catch it?  What she did there was another job-related joke fail for the group.  To be honest I do love this girl; she’s real, and she went to my alma mater so she’s a keeper.  Because I am biased, I will not be making any jokes about her.  Or she doesn’t provide any material and I couldn’t think of anything good to say about her.  It’s one of those.

8.  Samantha, 26, advertising account manager - ”I’m more than just a pageant girl…” but I like to walk into rooms sash-first because it’s all I have to offer.

9.  Casey S., 26, trading clerk, Leawood, Kansas - Nothing. To. Saaaaay.

You’ll remember we met Amber T., 29, a Critical Care Nurse from Waverly, NE in the field/her element earlier in the show.  She kills things and then eats their balls.  Amber is cute, and says things like “if everything works out, Ben will definitely be coming back to Nebraska for some deer steaks and beef nuts.
Having aged 30 years, we see Amber arrive with too high hair and makeup that did 100% of the aging and - and we could have predicted this when Ben’s reaction to Chrisharrison’s description of her game-hunting profession was “shoots… large… animals… ok” - by the end of the night she has become the girl who gets rejected, cries, then turns away from the camera forgetting she’s wearing a mic (a classic rejected bachelorette move) and whispers, “what did I do wrong???”  Sadly, she will be eating nuts without Ben tonight in her hotel room.  But she’ll have to wait until she gets home to eat cow balls.  #ohnoAlisondidn’t!  #ohyesIdid

NEXT BATCH OF CONTESTANTS!

10.  Holly, 34, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep, Kentucky - ”Kentucky is known for beautiful women and fast horses.”  Also, like Ben said, bourbon, but you didn’t know that because you are dumb.  SENT HOME.

11.  Jamie, 25, registered nurse, Dryden, NY - Aka, Ms. Rough Life.  Also, the only super normal one there.  CHEERING FOR HER THIS SEASON.

12.  Shira, actress, LA… AGELESS? - Shira withheld her age.  Which doesn’t seem fair.  Or healthy.  She must be reeeaaalllly worth it to the casting crew.
Or not.  SENT HOME.

13.  Blakeley (should be called Blankly), 34, VIP cocktail waitress, Charlotte, NC - VIP waitress.  That’s when the stripper works strictly in the champagne room… right?

By the way, quick question: assuming ABC does force them to deliver ridiculous job-related jokes; why doesn’t this apply to the VIP Waitress?  I assume because you can’t make hooker jokes on network television?

14.  Cheryl – old lady, for…

15.  Brittney, 26-yr-old young lady (and granddaughter to Cheryl), medical sales rep from somewhere I forget – impactless on me.

But I do have a note on Brittney vis-a-vis THE BACONATOR, who had me go from hating her when she said – “smelled a lot like grandma”… when grandma arrived, to feeling resplendent with kinship upon her saying – ” you live and you learn, right? Next time, sash; hat; grandma.”  I WANTED HER TO STAY, if for nothing more than her extreme wit and sarcasm contribution.  #boo #hiss #nothappyBen

KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!!!!!

16.  Nicki, dental hygienist, 26, Hurst, TX – with every girl, I had to pause the show to write down her info, and here was her expression when I paused:

I predicted *the eyes would have it* throughout the show, and I was right:

I mean until I was wrong.  Since Oh Canaaadaaa, above, got booted.  I actually miss her a lot already.  Not the eyes.  I do not miss those eyes.  But the sarcasm.  Where’s the witty snark going to come from now????!!!!

17.  Dianna, 30, non-profit director, San Gabriel, CA - ANOTHER WHITE DRESS WEARER.  No words, really.  Just thought she was 13.

18.  Jennifer, 18, accountant, Oklahoma City, OK – 1190 is the number of miles she traveled to be there; zero is the number of times she has been arrested; 54 is the number of dresses she tried on before picking the navy one; one is the number of times she’s been in love; 4 is the number of times I had to rewind what she was saying so I could write it down here to make a joke; 3 is the number of times I wished she would go inside already; 2 is the number of times I sighed audibly; 8 is the number of times I considered throwing the remote at the television screen; 80 is the number of times this specific joke will be thought of as a good idea when bloggers and writers watch the show.

More details: a ginger / accountant joke was made / it was lame / but I like her so we’ll see WAIT YOU TRIED ON 54 DRESSES????????!!!!!!!!!!

19.  Lyndsie J, 29, Internet entrepreneur, Scottsdale, AZ - I have discovered the first known case where the All Brits Are Hot rule does not apply.  I thought it was nearly failsafe.  I think if she wasn’t just, like, 1000000% dork 1000000% of the time, like she could dial it back a wee bit sometimes, then I wouldn’t be so anti-Lyndsie.  Because I get it; I have a slightly longer shaped head than the next girl, so it’s not her face (the reason most people might mock her).  It really is just her incessant dorkismo.  It’s like she’s dorking it up FTW.

20.  Anna, 25, student, Detroit, MI -

Anna does something aamaaaaaazing ohmygod so amaaazzing in that she… walks by him, without words?  ….. So what?  Ben: “that’s a bold move.”  ”gotta be some kind of first.”  Here, I know that everyone’s instinct was “B!TCH” when they saw her so I chose to be pro-Anna and give her her due credit.  She decided to let that hair and makeup speak for themselves.  When you have no speaking capabilities, I guess, is what’s going on here.  Doesn’t matter because HE BOOTED HER???????  This face:

…. booted.  By a dude.  Dudes don’t boot faces like this, throughout history.  And it’s not like he changed his mind the moment she SPOKE!  Because she didn’t speak.  What.  The F.

By the way, guess what?  I didn’t add any filters or adjust the brightness or anything with that image above (well aside from blow it up with verbiage).  That’s how en fuego she is.  Well, with makeup caking.

21.  Monica, 33, dental consultant, SLC, UT –  Monica said this upon meeting Ben: “Hi, I’m Monica.  I have a confession.  I… uhhh… I am bisexual no no no too soon miss my dog more than anything.”

22.  Jaclyn, 27, advertising acct mgr, Newton, MA – Her Title = the first girl to receive a hug attack from Ben because of his fear that she might try to go in for the kiss.  Something he clearly didn’t want.  BUT GOT A ROSE??

GETTING WORSE– I MEAN, MORE LADIES ARRIVE!!!!

23.  Shawn, 28, financial advisor, Phoenix, AZ – bad dress bad hair seems nice WENT HOME.

(Sorry I’m getting a little exhausted; 25 ladies and a grandma is a lot of ridicule to hurl.)

24.  Kacie B., 24, administrative Asst., Clarksville, TN - Nice short sparkly dress.  That’s kind of… it.  Actually, there’s this:

25.  Lindzie C., 27, biz development mgr, Seattle, WA – “I’m from Seattle, 26 years old” wait whuuuut?  That’s not what your thing said.  Whatever anyway, she won the first impression rose because of this:

That’s what crazy looks like when it’s on a horse.  By the way I wanted to nickname her “beautiful girl with an unfortunate excitement response” but that’s too long to keep up.

“Ohh that’s crazy!  Hell of an entrance.” – Ben’s remarks.  See, he said something like that with Anna, who got booted.  So it is abundantly clear that his words mean nothing.  In true The Bachelor form.  ABC execs: “WE CAN REBUILD HIM.”  And rebuild him, they did.  Into an even worse version than what we got last year.

By the way, ROSE CEREMONY HIGHLIGHTS:

1. Ben: “Monica.”

Jenna’s mind: “OH SHIT”

2. Jenna was hiding in plain sight before she joined the other girls for the ceremony.  The bathroom time *did not help* matters, with regard to her face and hair.

3. Ben likes needy, baggage-laden girls with lots of bag-bag-baggity-baggage in their baggage.  The higher the checked-luggage bill, the more in love Ben is.

4. Anna went home?

5. Jenna didn’t go home?

6. Where is Bentley?  I don’t understand, I just- I think I need to see him, one more time, just to completely get over him.  The way he left– I just– *sobs* I think, I think I NEED THAT.  For closure.  Where is Bentley, Chrisharrison?  Where are you hiding him?***

***The part of Ashley Herbert was played by Alison in tonight’s performance.

Ok, whew.  That was like A LOT.  Now it’s your turn to give me something to read… maybe?  Please?  :)  I’m sick of my own voice.  So, how terrible/dramatic was that premiere?  Or what were your favorite/least enjoyed moments from the show?  Anything stand out in general?  Please share your thoughts, ’cause I die to hear your feedback on this otherwise it feels like I’m talking to myself.  And I already talk to myself enough of the day.  This would make it reach 100%, aka clinically insane.

xoxo!  - Alison


REAL BOUDOIR | A boudoir trend for the artists, and for the shy…-ists? | Photography By The Boudoir Vixen

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Hey it’s me.

Happy Wednesday evening, m’friendlies.  First I wanna say thanks, for your super cool feedback on yesterday’s Bachelor recap.  I loved reading every response!  I tend to base my decision to continue a series on the amount of blog comment love it gets, so I think we’ve got at least one more recap coming your way next week. :)  High kicks!  I’m really so happy that you enjoyed the cray cray craziness.

Ok, now… listen up.  This is NOT your grandma’s boudoir session.  Because omg ew, that would be horrible, ew ew ew.  No.  That would make this a whole other type of site.  So yeah, not that.  What I’m doing today, among other things, is I’m going to introduce you to the newest, coolest, most drool-worthy killer new prop that’s making its way to the ever so delectable frothy surface of my boudoir preferences cappuccino.

NO IT’S NOT THAT.

By the way I know I could have just said “my fave boudoir ideas” but I am who you think I am.  (You were thinking ‘wordy’ right?  That only works if you were thinking wordy.  Well, or ridiculous.  Ridiculous definitely works too, no denying it.)

So yeah, it’s not a vibrator.  <– I just slapped you back into the focus of this post.  It’s even cooler than that, and though it might not elicit a full body joy response, it’s definitely going to make you go AHHHH I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU AAHHHHHH!!!!  That’s how everybody sounds… right?  Everybody sounds like that when they…. when they flibbidifloopiddy… right?  Thanks for filling in, Cosby gibberish.  I needed you.  I needed you and you were there for me.

OK so are you ready?  Here it is, m’ladies, a special delivery from The Boudoir Vixen:

F**kin’ lace. MASKS. y’all.  Lace. Masks.  BRILLIANT.  And simple enough, right?  See, it doesn’t have to be crazy over the topness to be a killer idea.  They’re gorgeous, delicate, uber feminine and spice up an already spicy boudoir shoot by adding an element of intrigue.  Plus, they do this really cool thing… if you’re shy.  They cover up your face.  Not because you’re hideous or anything, silly.  It’s because maybe you feel embarrassed and want to have some really avant garde shots that not only look haute, but conceal your identity!  So many reasons to love the masks.  So many.

Anyway, enough of my yapping.  Wait just this bit more of my yapping, then no more yapping.  Today’s session is seriously killer, and that is entirely due to one Courtney Dellafiora, aka like I said The Boudoir Vixen, aka one of my absolute favorite boudoir photographers in the laaaaand.

I really love Courtney.  Why?  Thanks for asking; it’s got a lot to do with her personality, and positive outlook on life.  Then there’s her calibre of work.  Then there are her tweets.  Take this one, for example:

“@dellafiora: @theknottybride have you seen this? http://t.co/AQK8GExJ a gold bambino!”

Do you see?  She’s awesome, but she is also thoughtful.  She is thoughtsome.  She is awesful.

She’s great.

Plus she creates STUFF LIKE THIS:

Here, read a little love from Courtney about this session, and about boudoir in general:

The sky is the limit when it comes to planning your boudoir shoot. There are so many beautiful ideas you can come up with as far as outfits or props are concerned. One of my favorite photo shoots I do here at The Boudoir Vixen is my “Supermodel” shoot. The reason I call it the Supermodel shoot/package is because it’s what I feel will give our clients a really close feel of what it’s like to be a supermodel. Not only do the clients get to change 5 different times, but our hair/makeup stylist will change up hair and lipsticks, etc for the different looks. Our clients leave really feeling like a supermodel!! I asked Brittney to come in and model for me so I could share her whole experience with you. Usually our clients bring their own outfits and do all the planning as far as that goes. But this time I was the one to choose, provide and completely style all of the outfits for Brittney so I could have my own taste and give some really great ideas for outfits. I wanted to sort of help potential boudoir clients to think a little outside the box when planning their shoot.

Something I really loved about Brittney’s shoot in particular, is she didn’t hold back. I know coming in for a boudoir shoot can be super super nerve-wracking. 99% of our clients come in nervous, but after the first few photos taken, they are already realizing how much fun it is!! Brittney did an excellent job of just letting go of the nerves, and just had fun in front of the camera. She was very playful and flirty with her body movements and facial expressions. You’ve heard the expression “work it!” — well, that’s exactly the best thing you can do when doing a boudoir shoot. I work with my clients in directing them on how to pose and what to do, but that “sexy attitude” in their face is something I can’t force and must come from them. One of the best tips or advice I can give is just just LET GO and HAVE FUN. I know it can be hard to do, but it will make your boudoir shoot one thousand percent better if you are confident in yourself and your expressions.

↑ this girl is SO angelic ↑

↓ wait… I mean… this girl is so saucy! ↓

Ok, so, a question or two…

1) Have you done/are you planning to do a boudoir session?

2) How kicka$$ is boudoir, ladies?!

xoxo!  - Alison

Courtney Dellafiora, The Boudoir Vixen is a member of Vendor Love.  Explore more of her work here, in our guide.

REAL LIFE ISSUES | “When MIL = Manipulator-in-Law” By Miss S… The First Bloggista of Our In-Law Series!

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Happy Thursday afternoon, lovahs!  Alison here.  I’ve been pretty stoked about introducing this new series for a while now, and to see it all coming together is nothing short of a dream come true.  I hear EVERY DAY from brides with in-law questions and issues, and this series was an inevitability.  

Now, I think we all know that there are lovely, kind, wonderful in-laws out there, as well as go-with-the-flow in-laws, and not-very-involved in-laws…. clearly, since in-laws are people, naturally they come in all shapes, sizes, and personalities.  And many make a bride’s transition from girlfriend to wife easy breezy beautiful – even delightful in many cases! – and for these types of in-laws we are beyond grateful.  They disprove the reigning stigma.  Trust me, great in-laws do exist!  

Unfortunately, they don’t exist in all cases.  Even more, they are hardly the exception to the rule.  

Now, without further adieu, I introduce you to Miss S, and her story…

Who am I?

I’m a hard working, chocolate-loving gal who met the love of her life in grad school. I never was the type of girl who daydreamed about her wedding – BUT I saw enough TV shows and heard enough stories to fear having a mean, evil mother-in-law. I promised myself at an early age that I would never, ever let myself marry a guy who had an evil mom…

Fast forward 15 years and here I am with, who I believe to be, the most manipulative mother-in-law on earth.  So much for sticking to my promises.

The problem is I didn’t realize how evil she was until after I got engaged.  I was happily engaged for exactly 7 days before my world crashed around me in ways I had never thought possible.

My mission is to share my story with the hope of helping my fellow ladies out there who are experiencing similar problems. It can be a depressing and heartbreaking time, but remember you are not alone and you can get through this. If I did, so can you!

And a little more about me - Things I love: chocolate, cabernet sauvignon, salsa dancing, eating good food with good company, traveling with my fiancé, the color whiteThings I hate: Obviously, Mean In-Laws

When MIL = Manipulator-in-Law

I used to describe my future mother-in-law as “controlling” and “overbearing.”  Then my fiancé and I met with a therapist who made me realize that she was more than that – she was a manipulator.  And thus, what I call a Manipulator-in-Law (“MIL”).

The art of manipulation is mysterious to those more simple-minded folks like me who would never even dream about purposely hurting others for selfish goals.  However, dealing with my MIL has helped me see what manipulation looks like in real life and how to wrangle yourself out of it, no matter how painful that process might be. A MIL not only makes you feel personally miserable, but can also ruin the relationship you have with your significant other. Trust me when I say it is important for the survival of your relationship and marriage to deal with the MIL before it is too late.

So you may ask, what does a Manipulator-in-law look like?

A MIL can take many different forms. Mine used the following two methods to manipulate my fiancé (1) money and (2) threats to hate me if my fiancé didn’t do as my MIL insisted. The most telling example of her manipulation is the story of my engagement ring. My fiancé used the money he had saved up throughout the years and sold some of his stock investments to buy me a beautiful engagement ring.  He spent months and months looking for the perfect rock for me.  Because his bank statements were being sent to my MIL’s home, my MIL found out how much he had spent on my rock… and was absolutely furious at how much he had spent. It is true that he spent way more than the typical rule of spending two or three-months of your annual salary because he based it on his future salary, not his current. Regardless, the point is that my fiancé spent his own money, not his parents so it shouldn’t matter.  However, my MIL insisted that the money in my fiancé’s bank account and stock investments were NOT his money for reasons that require an entirely separate blog post on how they used finances to control him.  My MIL told my fiancé that she would hate me more and more every time she saw me with that ring. Quite strange that she would hate ME, even though it was my fiancé who picked out the ring, but my MIL knew that my fiancé wanted her to like me so this was her way to manipulate him. She also threatened to not approve the engagement if my fiancé proposed with that ring.

My MIL told my fiancé that the only way she would approve the engagement would be under the following conditions: (1) my fiancé buys a SECOND less expensive ring at a price that my MIL sets, (2) my fiancé proposes to me with this second less expensive ring and (3) my fiancé hands over the FIRST nicer ring to my MIL.  My MIL said she would put the first nicer ring in a safe deposit box until she decided that my fiancé was making enough money to afford that ring, and at such time she would return the ring to my fiancé.  Crazy huh? Her plan especially makes no sense considering that the main reason she got mad in the first place was because my fiancé had spent a lot of money on the first ring! If she didn’t like how much money he spent, why in the world would she make my fiancé spend even MORE money to buy a second ring?  It doesn’t make any sense. My analysis is that it was more than about the money – she wanted to be in control of the entire proposal, and she could not stand the thought of my fiancé giving me such a nice ring and giving so much love to another woman. I joke that my fiancé is probably the only guy who had to buy two engagement rings to propose to one girl.

As crazy at this all sounds, my fiancé, a victim of her manipulation throughout the years, yielded to her demands in an effort to make sure she approved our engagement and continued to like me.  But he went along with the plan with an important twist – my fiancé gave me the first ring and gave my MIL the second one.  He was able to pull this off by buying a second ring that was on the large side but of lesser quality (and thus able to fit into the budget my MIL had set).  I’m surprised my MIL hasn’t gotten the ring she received appraised yet.  I can’t wait to see her flip out when she finds out that her little plan didn’t work.

And here’s the worst part – after my fiancé proposed, we called our respective parents to share the happy news.  My MIL asks me on the phone, and I quote, “Do you like the ring? My son spent so much time looking for it.” It makes me sick to my stomach that she would ask that question to my face after trying to manipulate the whole situation behind my back.

Looking back, it really amazes me that both my fiancé and I did not realize how manipulative my MIL was until I talked to my therapist.  We never thought about using that word “manipulator” to even describe her; we always just described her as overbearing.  I guess we were naïve about the whole situation.

So ladies, ask yourself, is your MIL simply overbearing or, in fact, manipulating you and your significant other? Remember, the first step to winning this battle is to recognize that you are in fact being manipulated.  And there’s no shame in admitting that you have been the victim of manipulation.  It’s not your fault that your MIL is so crazy.

So I’d love to hear from you all.  Have you had less than positive experiences with your in-laws?  … what has been your experience?

Thanks everyone, it’s so nice to share my story with all of you!

xoxo  - Miss S

RUSTIC BOHEMIAN PICNIC WEDDING | A Veritable Where’s Waldo for Cat Lovers! Plus, Muscle-Bound Bambino. | By Love Light Images

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Happy Friday eeeeeeeeevuhningk, munchkinos!  Before you start reading i just wanna make sure I note here that things got really out of hand in this post and I apologize.  I think the no heat/no hot water situation forced my body into survival mode and resources that are typically so in abundance, instead became luxuries.  Like for example, a sufficient quantity of blood, getting pumped like clockwork into my brain.  Ok WE BEGIN, armed with that knowledge.

So how’d your day go?  Very well, I hope?  Ohh what’s that [undetermined number of people reading who identify with this statement about workplaces]?  Wait… was it–did it not go so well, your day?  Did your boss catch you staring at a wedding blog/his ass/her ass/your own ass/a magazine/Ryan Gosling’s ass/french bulldogs/your nails/the floor?  I’m very sorry to hear that.  Now, take your answer, and apply: *I have not had any hot water or heat since last night* and then tell me what your answer is.  Ahh but I complain, I complain.  But I shouldn’t, I shouldn’t.   I don’t make the big bucks just to sit here and complain (… well, at least excessively so).

So I’ll just tell you through my dog.

You see that cuddles snake?  Bambino usually violently swINNNGS its body around with only the tight, tight, tight tight tight grip of his adorable teeth which can kill.  He finds immense joy in sending it 6 feet under every day.

Ohhh but not today.

For TODAY, we had no heat or hot water.  So you know what Bambo did?

Bambo – as if about to swaddle him, Rhi – delicately carried the snake’s lifeless carcass over to the WALL-TO-WALL-HEATING-VENT-THAT-IS-SO-HIDEOUS-AND-I-HATE-BECAUSE-IT-RUINS-EVERY-PHOTO-I-TAKE-OF-THINGS-ON-THE-FLOOR and proceeded to snuggle his face into the balled up snake’s body, which was pushed rightupagainst the not functioning heating vent.  And what happened next?

Bambino slept snuggled, face first, into the warmth of what until today we’ve all referred to only as….

a cold-blooded reptile.  And that is the story of the snake who had a heart.

*This was a liberal adaptation of the concept of Beauty and the Beast, the commercials for which I’ve been seeing lately on ma television.  So, let it be a lesson to us all: Don’t trust snakes, even if their warmth is enticing and tells you you’re beautiful and it needs a place to stay.  And don’t trust gargantuan animal beasts who blindfold you and ask you to trust and follow them to a different location. 

Hello and welcome to the legitimate beginning of this blog post.  We have a lovely wedding to share with you today, which was submitted my Marisa, of the fantastic Love Light Images.  She’s the bomb diggity and it ain’t no lie.  Enjoy!  And count the cats if you want to be prepared for Question numero dos at the bottom!

Sorry.  I just saw his face, and this is a bridal blog… and… Princess Bride references aren’t exactly a long way off ever, in my mind.

Why do all these cats looks angry?  I don’t have cats; is that just like, a cat thing?  Along with eye-clawing and cheezburger-hasing?

Here’s the lovely rundown from our beautiful bride:

Our Bohemian Picnic wedding was a day dedicated to LOVE. So, what’s behind the wedding theme you ask? Some of the most wonderful days Jason and I have spent together include Sundays picnicking in the park. We’ve always found that picnicking in the park allows us to connect with each other and appreciate how truly beautiful life is. We wanted to create that for our wedding day too! That’s how we chose our theme: Bohemian Picnic.

Since Jason and I met while we were students at Cal Poly, in San Luis Obispo, we decided that we would get married in San Luis Obispo. My mother, Pam, helped us all along the way planning the wedding. Her involvement started with scheduling us appointments for San Luis Obispo venues. When we arrived at the See Canyon Fruit Ranch, we were engulfed by the most beautiful trees. It just felt like the right place for us. After helping us select the venue, Pam put her green thumbs to work creating beautiful succulent garden centerpieces for the tables. She also surprised us with homemade colorful banners that brought even more energy to the already beautiful venue. Jason’s mother, Kim, created my unique and fun up-do that I loved! Jason’s father, Mack, and mother, Kim, also made a delicious rehearsal dinner that fueled the family and wedding party for the next day. My parents, Pam and Jeff, had wedding guests over to their home after the wedding for a post-wedding party.

My creative and artistic then fiancé, now husband, Jason also made simple, yet lovely invitations. Most importantly, Jason made sure that everyone knew that a Soul Train Line would be following the ceremony by putting that information in the invitation.

Since we love to dance so much, having good music was important to us. Jason chose all the songs for the wedding (with a little help from me). So, every song had special meaning to us. I walked down the aisle to “Marry Me” by Train and every time I’ve heard the song since, the tears start to roll. That song will always remind me of being filled with love, feeling supported, and feeling incredibly excited about getting to live each day with Jason in my life. Both Jason and I were so lucky to have our grandparents attending the wedding. My Uncle Clarke and Aunt Carole, who are in their 80s, were even rocking it on the dance floor. We had so much fun dancing at the reception! Our amazing friend, Scott, kept the music flowing like a pro. Our photographer, Marisa, at Love Light Images, captured the emotions of the day with her artistic eye and got some great dancing shots too!

Our dear friend, Wendy Lucas, served as our Officiant. Her kindness and generosity of spirit made our ceremony even more wonderful than anything we had envisioned. Becca and Rachel, Wendy’s daughters, greeted everyone before the ceremony. Our friend Charlie did an amazing job of keeping the energy and excitement flowing as our wedding day emcee. Our siblings and wedding party were so supportive, just pitching in everywhere with odds and ends without even being asked.

Mama’s Meatball provided a beautiful and delicious picnic dinner. Our friend, Janice’s cake delighted our taste buds. Lara at Harbor Floral not only created gorgeous flower arrangements but also did a wonderful job coordinating our wedding day. And lastly, my bridesmaid’s jewelry were all custom hand made by a friend from Song in the Stone.

And now, your Friday Fix of A Day in the Life of Bambino McPuppyPants…

“Hey so you like how I look like this, right Mom?”

“Ok, well, I uhhh, I mean I was thinking — ya know, maybe my all-nakey all the time look is kinda getting a little, I dunno, a little stale maybe?

Well…….. how d’ya like me now?

As, Bambino “EVEN MY GUNS HAVE GUNS” McPupson (I had to change my last name, Mom, you screwed me in that department.  How’m I s’posed to get b!tches with a last name like that?!”  Huh?!  You tell me.)

By the way I know I look a little shy and like I’m totally hating it, but that’s because someone’s got a treat over to my right and I cannot. take. my silly little eye off of it.  Off of that treat.  No matter how much Mommy begs me in photo after photo.  

No no no wait, what?  What’d you say?  You don’t–

aww MAAAAHHHHHHMMMMM, YOU DON’T LIKE MY MUSCLE TEE?!?!!!!  WHUUUUT?!!  How you gonna be like that, you know these are my awkward years.  Wait where are the tissues I’m gonna cry.

… and he proceeded to cry Icky.  Slimy.  Little.  Strings.  of eye boogies.  all over our sheets.

So, my dears, would delight in hearing your response to any or none of the following….

1) Have I truly lost my mind at this point? with the Bambino stories-in-pictures?

2) How many cats are there in this wedding?  No seriously.  (Not in like the processional; just all over the grounds and stuff.)  (Also this is a fake question unless you like indulging/playing along with me.)

3) Do you love succulents involved in weddings as much as I do?

4) Are you proud of me for posting today despite our total lack of heat/hot water, about which I needed to call our management company 40+ times to even get someone to work on it, and they finally told me it turned out they ran out of oil like silly billies, and everything didn’t get restored until just over an hour ago?

5) You can ignore question 3.  I just needed to VENT.

6) Do you love me as much as I love you?  Don’t know if that’s possible, fyi.

xoxo!  - Alison

Photography: Love Light Images / Submitted via Two Bright Lights / Caterer: Mama’s Meatball Catering / Floral Designer: Harbor Floral / Ceremony and Reception Venue: See Canyon Fruit Ranch / Cake Designer: Creating Designs / Jewelry Design: Song in the Stone / Cinematography: Gregg Cobarr

CASUAL CHIC DIY WEDDING + SEXY BABIES? | Succulents + Tats + Fights + Goats = This Killer Wedding. Also, Open Letter to Toddlers & Tiaras By Me & Tom Hanks.

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↑ the “fighting” part of the title… ceremony fan creatively used as weapon – but flowers are no defense!  someone tell him!

Happy Monday evening, peoples!  What is it, like 10:45pm EST?  Whew, YEAH it is.  Today was sort of, umm… today was pretty busy, y’all.

I just wrapped up taping The Bachelor which means I have been AVOIDING TWITTER AT ALL COSTS, so if you happened to a) talk to me on Twitter or b) asked me to live tweet or anything, I’m sorry but I couldn’t.  You see, if I had so much as peeked at my stream I would have found out everything that I’m waiting until after Honey goes to sleep to find out.  And I need to have privacy, silence and tequila shots on the side table (just in case), and also access to constant pause-play-pause action.  This does not a relaxing television watching environment make.  In fact this is considered one of, if not the, least desirable ways to watch tv, if you’re not Alison.  But this is also the way it has to be.

Anyway so we were all over the city this past weekend checking out spaces and it was insaneballs.  I forgot how exhausting that s**t is.  I’m talking about using my feet to walk long distances on pavement.  Turns out the city is like HUGE, you guys, really huge.  I *just learned* this, despite living in the city for a few years short of a decade.  But yeah, so we checked out like, every. space. and its mother space.  Fortunately Saturday was unseasonably warm which made the walking pretty delightful and also resulted in some spontaneous purchases at Kate Spade.  (Unseasonably great weather will do that to an Alison; it’ll take you by the arm and escort you into Kate Spade.  Note: an Alison is defined as a girl who is easily influenced by weather and shiny things in store windows).  But Sunday got hella chilly and the picture was not as bright/attractive.  It was more like Alison and Honey walking down the street from location to location while Alison regularly tilted her head back whenever she felt like she was about to cry out of her nose.  Because my nose runs as if a river runs through it.  Tissues, ladies.  Tissues are essential, right after lube moisturizer and condoms.   HAHAH did I say lube and condoms?  WHAT??!!  I meant lip moisturizer and tic tacs.  HAHAHH damn you, autocorrect!

In other less stupid news… here’s that thing I mentioned on Twitter that I wanted to address on the blog today:

Dear Toddlers & Tiaras, please Cease & Desist.  You are endorsing the emotional death of infants.  Seriously, this seems illegal and I would formally like to request that you discontinue the show in its current format.  But, if you *must* continue the series due to what I assume is the deplorably high level of viewer interest, then kindly change the format.  I suggest this:

1.  Assign therapists to each of the children.  For they currently have 3+ years each of emotional damage to work past; would be best to get a nice, healthy start on the work.

2.  Assign therapists to each of the mothers/fathers.  This should be number 1, actually.  Sorry.

3.  Stop filming the show.  Oh wait what?  You won’t do that– ok, sorry, I forgot.  Still that’s my first choice.

4.  Remove the makeup/hair/costume extravagance from the contests.  Little babies shouldn’t look and dress like whores.  Let them make the decision to look and dress like whores when they’re of age.  Give THEM the choice.  Don’t force the whore into them too early.  This tends to guide littles into actually BEING whores.  Bad idea, for babies.

5.  Flippers?

6.  I hate that I had to write this open letter to you, Toddlers & Tiaras.

If I’m too small potatoes for you to take any action, here… let Tom Hanks show you what I mean.

“Sexy hands… sexy feet… sexy FEET.  SEXY FEET!”

Ok, NOW.  We’ve got a little thing I like to call a WEDDING, of which to be in awe right now.  This outdoorsy chicness was submitted by the fabulous Wing Ta of Canary Grey Photography.  And I have one word for you: succulents and tattoos and hair accessories and dresses.  … Four.  I mean four.  Four words.

Here’s a bit from the amazing Wing Ta:

Casual chic at it’s finest! Ashley and Shawn’s big day was filled with lots of laughter and heart. We were so honored and thrilled to be a part of their lovely, lovely wedding! These two have been dating for over a decade.

Ashley and Shawn chose to walk down the aisle together and it was an amazing entrance for two beautiful people. Their appreciation for the outdoors made Windbeam Farm the perfect location for their laid back yet chic affair. All the charming DIY details were designed by Ashley (graphic designer) herself!

And here’s the stellar rundown from our gorgeous bride, Ashley:

After ten years together, Shawn and I decided to finally take the plunge and get married. Many of our friends and relatives have long anticipated this wedding for years, so we really wanted to make it an EVENT!

With any wedding, finding a great venue is the first step. We knew we wanted it outdoors, and representative of us. After viewing various outdoor venues around the Twin Cities, we really didn’t find exactly what we were looking for, until I came across a local photographer’s blog. She had posted a wedding she shot at Windbeam Farm, a quaint rustic farm in Hager City, Wisconsin. After meeting with Trudi, the owner of the farm, and visiting the farm we both immediately knew this was the PLACE!

Once we had our location, all the details started to come together. We wanted to create a rustic farm wedding with a contemporary, eclectic feel. One huge source of inspiration was the dress! Once I found it, all the themes for our wedding came together; simple, elegant, structural, playful, and modern. Since, my dress had hints of metallics, I decided I wanted the girls to wear various shades of metallics. I knew from the beginning I wanted the bridesmaids to feel glamorous, confident, and comfortable, that’s why I wanted them to pick out their own dresses. In the end, it was a little more work on their part, but each of them loved what they wore that day. As for Shawn, well, he wanted to go the whole nine yards and purchased a grey pinstriped three-piece suit (which worked out well for our humid, 90 degree wedding day). I really wasn’t concerned with everyone “totally” matching, I just wanted everyone to feel comfortable, and the results were AMAZING!

After deciding to have the wedding party in neutral tones, I was really able to expand my color palette elsewhere in the flowers, stationery, and decor. I started with the invitations, a tiny passion of mine, and designed a simple, yet playful set using traditional letterpress technique. After designing the invitations, I used the pattern on other small details throughout the reception; the place cards, the guestbook ( the wedding tree), and various signage. Also, the colors from the pattern in our invites were the inspiration for the BEAUTIFUL floral bouquets.

Throughout the planning process, I really tried to add meaningful details where I could. Here is a list on some of my favorite things:

My JEWELRY!! Shawn has been collecting quartz crystals since I have known him. When he finds a good one, he gives it to me. So, the jewelry I wore that day was custom-made for me by a dear friend using some of the crystals he has given me throughout the years.

The BUTTONS. Shawn and I are kind of known for making small buttons for our friends from time to time. We made buttons for our place cards with various photographs of our parents, family members, friends, and of course, the bride and groom.

My HANDKERCHIEF. Throughout the day, I carried a monogrammed handkerchief that had been passed down to me from my father’s side. It was, for me, a representation of of that side of the family and had my maiden name initial on it. I tend to like symbolic things.

The CAKE! We originally were not going to have a “wedding cake,” our caterers were going to bring Tres Leches sheet cake to slice and pass around. About two months before the wedding, a co-worker asked me what we were doing for a wedding cake. I told him, and he was very unamused. He went on to tell me that his relatives make “very good, authentic” Tres Leches cakes. He was absolutely right, those cakes looked and tasted fantastic! It meant so much more to have someone you know contribute.

The very best part of the entire day was the CEREMONY! Shawn and I decided to enter the ceremony side by side, it just seemed right for both of us. We wanted to step into our new life together, as a couple! Our officiant is a Chaplin at a local hospital and a good friend of Shawn’s father. His service was great, he tied in community, religion (but not too preachy), and some great advice for any successful marriage and relationship to thrive. We wanted to have Shawn’s sister do a reading, at first I struggled to find something, but about two weeks before, I realized the perfect poem. It was the lyrics to our favorite song, “This Must Be the Place,” written by David Byrne, here is a small excerpt:

“Home, is where I want to be, but I guess I’m already there. I come home, she lifted up her wings, guess that this must be the place. I can’t tell one from another, did I find you, or you find me? There was a time, before we were born, if someone asks, this where I’ll be . . . where I’ll be.”

Standing up there, with your best friend, in front of everyone you know is such a great and intense experience. When I remember this day, it will be that MOMENT!

For anyone planning a wedding, I know you hear it all the time, but make it your own, find meaningful things, and by all means make it FUN.

↑ This is what you call “being a sport.”  Good man, good man.

So…. thoughts?  Let’s hear it:

1.  For or against Toddlers & Tiaras?  If you’re for it, I could use some convincing.

2.  Succulents!!!  Not a question, just obsessed with everything that involves succulents.  In fact I wanna dress Bam up as a succulent for next Hallow’s Eve.  Or a bunny.  (Bunny costume = no effort; already looks like bunny.)

3.  Do you love the mismatched bridesmaids’ dresses in this wedding?  I just love mismatched bridesmaids’ dresses in general.  They just rule.  Period.

4.  That reminds me.  Welcome to Shark Week, ladies and ladies.

xoxo!  - Alison

P.S. – Unfamiliar with Lady Shark Week?  Please, visit this post, and scroll to the end.

Photography: Canary Grey Photography / Submitted via Two Bright Lights / Caterer:  Chowgirls Killer Catering / Floral Designer:  Flora Bella / Reception Venue:  Windbeam Farm / Dress Designer:  Nicole Miller / Jewelry:  Charlemagne Jewelry / Tuxedo and Mens Attire:  Heimie’s Haberdashery / Bridesmaid Dresses:  NordstromJ. Crew

BACHELOR RECAP EPISODE TWO | Of Men and Not-A-Girls: A Tale of Behbehs, Boobehs and Dirt is Your Makeup?

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me again.

… hello and welcome to your second episode recap, friends and neighbors.  Before we begin, I do just wanna make a quick shout out to WordPress, for making it juuuuust short of impossible to have this post go live in any sort of timely manner.  You were really killin’ me with the slow image uptaking all day yesterday, WordPress.  What was that?  You were killing me softly with your song.

Ok, SO!  We begin and in this, episode two of this season of The Bachelor, another man with a horrible last name he couldn’t sell in the real world returns to our screens, with little to no improvements made to his hair or personality.  This = a shame.  Disappointed, we work to accept that it is likely to continue like this for the duration of the season.  It’s more fun to be attracted to The Bachelor but oh well.  A little pino fixes that right up.

Take note, it is in this episode that Ben proves to us that he is a dude with a functioning willy, and that it is helping him with picking out ladies.  This comes as a disappointment to the girls who are not his other head’s top picks.  Before this, we thought he was using his “brain.”  But clearly, it is not so, this supposed *brain involvement*.  We will discover this truth together, shortly.

Before we begin – noteworthy: Blakely and Courtney.  The hated girls.  The pretty girls.  The empty soul girls.

BEN’S TOP GIRLS.

(A trooper, he stayed up to watch with me but just like my Mom when I was younger and we used to start a movie together too late at night, he fell asleep IMMEDIATELY.)

Ok so we’re back in Sonoma and apparently this place is a big part of Ben’s life.  Did you know that?  Apparently he wants to live there AND NOWHERE ELSE EVER.

It is not difficult to determine that Ben has brought them to Sonoma because they are going to have to live there… with him and his invisible dad who is still with him at all times.  Now, honestly, I can’t mock this, this *mentioning of the Dad who has passed* factor.  When my Dad leaves this earth I’ll probably talk about my Dad all of the time, because he is amazing and I think of what he would say and the advice he would give in a lot of situations I face in life.  So that means I will not be mocking Ben approximately 67 times in this episode.  Heart goes out to you, Ben.  Great fathers are really somethin’ else.  Everyone should be so fortunate.

Fast-forward to Ben talking about the girls: “I’m lucky.  They’re beautiful and smart.”  Umm well– umm… yeah, ok, yeah.  Sure.

So, like I said, Ben is very excited to be back in Sonoma and does everything short of taking each of the girls to the local Sonoma birthing center to pick out OB-GYNs for their future childbirths which will be happening in Sonoma because you have to live here to be with me.  Get it through your beautiful smart heads.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE: BEN AND KACIE B HOLD PHALLI AND EMOTE

Ben: We’re going out into Sonoma.

Kacie B: *giggle*  !!!!!!!!!!!!

Ben proceeds to explain to Kacie B what a Sonoma is, and that it’s where she’ll need to live if she wants to be with him at the end of this.  Ben explains to Kacie B that “being with somebody” means sharing a living space, the bills and, on weekends, putting a man’s P inside of a woman’s V until he is satiated.

Ben: Here’s a toy store.  You’d like that, right?

Kacie B: *giggle*  YESSSSSS.

Now, a side note from me, Alison, to dearest BEHBEH: if you’re going to hold a giant popsicle and ask a man how many licks it takes, you’re going to get three consecutive mockboxes documenting the event.

Kacie B picks out the one insanely phallic item in all of Sonoma’s toy stores and holds it up much like an innocent child would do, when the joke is on them.  Look at this HEEGANNTAY Tootsie Roll pop!  Ben!  Ben!  How many licks does it take to get to the middle.  While Ben’s answer is exceedingly adorable, this exchange concerns me, because Ben doesn’t realize it but Kacie B is the personification of his future baby.

Now, a note on baton twirling, and the girls who call non-embarrassing things embarrassing.

BATON TWIRLING = not embarrassing, Kacie B.  But you already knew that, despite the fact that you give off the impression that you’re lacking an elementary school edumufication.  But it’s ok.  No, it’s ok!  Girls often do this; they will shyly (<– oh, whoa, that’s a word? i was fully expecting a red underline upon completion. cool) as I was saying, they will shyly “admit (without prodding)” to a guy that they used to do this embarrassing thing when they were younger, and then tell the guy about this embarrassing thing.  Like for example, if Lindzie were to tell Ben “this embarrassing story” about how when she was a teenager she used to ride her horses until she’d cum.  Or if Blakely were to tell Ben “this embarrassing story” about that time a child asked her to ‘… like, jog in slow motion’ and so she did and how embarrassing it was to flop her chest appendages all over a stage in front of

Oh wait that happens later on in this episode that I’m recapping.  Not there yet.

FYI this episode is positively hemorrhaging content worthy of being mocked, so it’s very possible that I lost track at times in the recap and maybe some things are out of order, just due to the sheer amount of mockable material I threw in because I CAN’T SEEM TO LEAVE ANYTHING OUT in these things.  So, forgive me.

KACIE B + BEN – NEXT SITUATION

So we’ve reached a point where Kacie B can’t get any more childlike and– Holy mother, really?!  Wow, ok, this is happening.  Cue kacie b at 3 yrs old cavorting around and generally being AN ACTUAL BABY.

KCB: “ahhm own un amaaayzin dayte, with a perfect guuyyyyyyy, in tha most romayntic taaaown ahhv ehvur bin in.” *giggle*

KCB: “Ben brraaaangs out thaangs in muh that Ahh feeyull laak Ahh haven’t been in touch with in a lownge tiiime.” *giggle*

(You can’t be referring to ‘your inner child,’ right?  You seem to be very in touch with that.)

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HEN HOUSE

Date card reveals the eleven participants of the group date.  Some girls are more excited than they should be about a group date.

BACK TO KACIE B + BEN – HOME MOVIES THAT STIR EMOTIONS AND FORGE FALSE BONDS PORTION OF DATE

Kacie B sees her home movies: Aww, I’m cute!  Aww, I love my Dad!  *giggle*

Ben sees his home movies.

THEN ENTER: BEN’S DECEASED FATHER

DATE ENDS

Well ok not really.  But it is so far beyond being even the slightest bit romantic at this point that it might as well be over.  Ben’s tears while watching video of his deceased father incite Kacie B to mention that his reaction shows her that he’s a real, genuine person.  Becoming upset/shedding tears when you see home video of your Dad who is no longer alive seems to be a unique reaction, to Kacie B, and one that uniquely proves the inherent quality of a man…?

Then Kacie B gets a rose because you have to encourage children to shoot for the stars and that everybody’s a winner.   Ben is a good dad.

Kacie B to camera: “it could change my life forever!”

Ben to camera at some point because he’s always saying it so it doesn’t really matter when: “[Sonoma] is where I’m probably going to live for the rest of my life.”  BEN WE GET IT.

Kacie B returns to the location where the other girls are (- are they at the house?  What’s going on?)

Kacie B: “I’m the luckiest girl alive right now!”  This girl is redefining hyperbole.

GIRLS: KCB IS SUCH A BITCH.

FALSE BOND OFFICIALLY FORGED: Unfair advantage to Kacie B?  She thinks so.  But in reality she is falling in love with a man she just met and around whom she has spent less than an hour of quality time.  But this does not play into Kacie B’s rational thinking process.  Because, what rational thinking process?  Give the infant some time.  Let her skull merge first, for chrissakes.  Then ask questions.

LESSON FROM KACIE B DATE: Ben wants to have children.  Because she is a wee behbeh and she reminds him of what babies look like and he is reminded he wants them, in the future.  Probably not with her, though.

GROUP DATE; 11 LADIES WILL ENTER

Ben says they’re going to do a play.  Ok, fun.

Ben takes them to the playwrights of this play and the girls are SHOCKED to discover that the playwrights are in fact, children playwrights.  The girls appear extremely thrown, disgusted even, and are just generally not happy about this for some reason.  No seriously, this was a real disappointment for the women.  Inexplicably.  Did they expect real playwrights, to come on The Bachelor?  Wait for the show to wrap before you start pursuing that acting career, ladies.  Patience.  Now go show Ben you like kids.

The kids ask them to act out certain characters, of the kids’ choosing.  Fed a line by a producer, the little girl leader child asks Blakely AND I QUOTE “… can you, like, jog in slow motion…” because as everybody knows, slow-mo jug jogging is one of the best-known traits of gingerbread men and it is the go-to test with regard to auditions for this type of role.

Sigh.  From the mouths of babes.  Oh, by the way Blakely looks like this today:

Shame on you, male producers.  Shame on you for making such watchable television.

Blakely handled the request as well as any woman in a cleavage-harness I mean skimpy romper could.  By not really jogging or facing the children head-on.

Still, the female children’s reactions:

The male children’s reactions:

GET INTO YOUR COSTUMES

Ok.  Now, remember how Blakely looked like, you know, like– well, you know… like, with the, you know–

… exactly.  Thanks, kid.

Anyway, THIS? ↓

Jenna gets any character at all the wizard and decides to just full on be haaaaaaaaating it.

(Wait.  Seriously.  Are you an actress, Jenna?  You should probably just say you’re an actress at this point, actually, if you’re not.  But I still think you might be.)

THE SEXY PLAY

Ok, I just want to check something–

–is this a children’s play?  Because I can’t be sure, given my previous understanding of acceptable behavior in a children’s play, but I’m pretty sure Ben just lost all of his clothes on purpose.  I don’t understand.  I have so many questions.  Like for example was the room (full of children and concerned adults) really applauding/laughing/clapping when he performed what boils down to a millisecond strip-tease?  This is what Sonoma is like?

LATER, BACK AT THE HOUSE

Ben shows us he has a penis right around…. HERE:

KACIE B PREPARES TO READ NEXT ONE-ON-ONE DATE CARD

Kacie B: You guys ready?  *giggle*

The girls seem ready.  Courtney says she was

Kacie B (mentally, if she was of average intelligence): Oh.  Umm.  I mean, you don’t– you don’t really– I was asking rhetorica–you know what forget about it.  Forget it.

Kacie B: Golly gee, it’s for Courtney!

Kacie B says, “what?”  when Courtney zings her, because Kacie B has never before experienced a true zing from such a master of zingery like ‘ol Courtney, here.  Then Courtney ACTUALLY REPEATS THE ZING when Kacie B knee-jerks the “what” response, but repeating a zing almost ALWAYS renders it completely ridiculous, no matter how deadly it was at its birth.  Point goes to Kacie B.

I thought I lose the AAWOOOOOGUH eyes with the loss of Canada personality The Baconator.  But clearly, I was so wrong.  So beautifully, beautifully wrong.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE – BEN AND COURTNEY GO FALL IN LOVE

Ben: “Feels like a Saturday.”  This is something rich people say.

Ben and Courtney ride into the wilderness and proceed to SCARE THE LIVING BEJEEBUZ out of his dog, aptly named “Pino”–wait what?  It’s “Scotch?”  Oh, ok.  Ok whatever.

I have a dog.  I don’t get into these positions with him.  Nottttttt that there’s anything wrooonnnggg with that.

Later on, they continue the mutual masturbation theme of the day and talk about how great/eye-opening certain points in their respective lives have been, and how they’re “open” or “have trust issues because of famous actors,” and they start quoting Oprah and say they’ve had “ah hah moments” but overall they’re excited to have found one another, and they’re psyched to be together forever.

Courtney: Life has been hard.  I mean, I *mumbles with purpose* DATED AN ACTOR soooo, I’m not gonna lie, I have trust issues.  But I want you to know that these trust issues are born of bad relationships with important, well-known actors, and so I’m still very much a catch.

Ben: “if this who we each really are?  Then this is a pretty damn good match.”

Ben seems not to have found himself on The Bachelorette the way he says he found himself on The Bachelorette.  It seems he has more finding to do.  He needs to continue the finding on this show, The Bachelor.  And then a decade or two outside of television shows, and then he’ll figure out it was Ames, all along.  I hope Ames is the surprise visitor next week.  Before Ben was Bachelorized, they had similar taste in fashion a bit.  I would like to double date with them.  I hope Ames’ concussion is better.

I miss Ames a lot.

Courtney, now regularly using her upper lip to repeatedly cover the front teeth about which she seems oddly embarrassed, because everybody has their thing, accepts the rose and then this happens:

ROSE CEREMONY LEADUP – FINAL TALKS, FIGHTING AND GENERAL SADNESS:

We met Lindzi last week, and were thrown by her overexcited facial expressions, but hoped they wouldn’t persist.  HOPES DASHED.

Really?  DIRT is your makeup?  That’s cool I guess.  Or ALARMING.  Wait, what was she again?  Oh that’s right a Business Development Manager.  I guess those guys are out on the farm a lot.  ”Business developing” with their bare hands, down deep in that dirt.  Gettin’ it all over their faces and then wearing that dirt makeup to dinner…?  I mean I dunno, I’m not her.  Could be.  It’s ok we got you, Lindzie.

P.S. – Lindzie reminds me of Kristen Wiig doing Kathie Lee Gifford on Saturday Night Live.  The facial expressions.  If you’ve seen Wiig do KLG, then, if you can, watch that Lindzie scene over.  You’ll see it.

We also have Blakely, who, forgetting that she’s not VIP waitressing tonight, brings along some VIP drinks to Ben and…. herself, not the chick currently in there.

AAAAAAND it has become even more clear that Ben is in fact a person with a penis, if we were doubting this at all, by this point.

Next, the producers ask Ben to talk to Jenna so he does.

It goes badly.

But I think she looks great.  (Seriously guys I’m not going there.  I think Jenna is one of those girls who stands very still and stares at her face in the mirror until it starts to morph into ghastly, monster-like versions of itself.  And then she goes to bed thinking that’s what she looks like.  ……. So, I don’t need to be pushing her farther down any slippery slopes to insanity.)

Ok actually forget it I HAVE TO GO THERE WITH THIS.

Jenna: “I feel“– wait WAIT WHOOAAA WHOOAA THE BLANKET DOESN’T GO ON LIT CANDLES, JENNA.  Ok thanks Ben for getting that.  Sorry- go ahead Jenna…

Jenna: “I feel like I’m a guy in how I act.

Clearly she has read the book on the how to make guys want you.  Because number one on the list of things that turn heterosexual males on?  GUYS AND HOW THEY ACT.  Keep it up, you’re doing great, Jenna.

Jenna: “I’m not like a girl, if that makes any sense.  I’m not like other girls.. I’m like a man.

Ok PERFECT.  You’ve got him right where you want him; totally wanting your hot, man soul.  Ben is totally not into women who like to think of themselves as women, certainly not.  Well played!  Well played.  He’s not completely over you at all, at this point.

Jaclyn comes to interrupt Jenna’s one-on-one time and for the first and last time on this show, Ben is thrilled to see Jaclyn’s face.

CUT TO angry girls including-and-actually-mostly Jaclyn hating Blakely for everything wrong in the world and also her face and lacking morals.

Jaclyn is quickly becoming a meaner person, meaner than I thought she was capable of becoming, given her facial limitations.

The girls really start to hate-assemble, and proceed to verbally gangbang Blakely (behind her back of course) for being aggressive and not trying to make friends.  (Still complaining about this kind of stuff, are we ladies?)  OHH WAIT WHAT’S THAT?  And then they verbally gangbang her into her face?!  But NO MATTER.  Because Blakely, not having come here to make friends, knows what she’s doing.  She’s ready for all the drama because like I said she didn’t come here to make friends she came here t–

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO….

Blakely whyyyyyyyyyyyy are you in the cornerrrrrrrrrrrr.  Now I have to call you Blaby in the cornerrrrrrrr.  And it’s your faaaaauuuuulllllt.

This normal thing happens outside:

And then normalcy, having touched the house ever so softly and briefly, disappears as quickly as it came.

In other news, Samantha’s still angry about bitches.  ”I’m sooo f**king sick of Blakely… that I’m literally throwing up.  I’m in the bathroom because I’m literally throwing up, into the toilet, I hate her so much.”

Some girls ultimately unimportant to the plot line join her…

Gathered in the Denny’s bathroom next door to their accommodations, the women discuss with anger the girl who they’re worried is beating them right now.  That is a Denny’s stall, yes?  Next door to their accommodations in Sonoma?  Because that can’t be the real bathroom ABC gave them.  Also, the special needs stall, Sam?  FAIL.  Kacie B might need that while you’re in there but NOW what will she do?

And I thought you were a pageant girl.  Oh wait right, you are a pageant girl, that’s why you did it.  Hahah I forgot.

Later, still before the rose ceremony, or is it earlier?  I’m losing track of Samantha’s hating-on-b!tches.  Anyway AT SOME POINT IN THE SHOW we hear more stuff pouring from Samantha’s mouth.  And it is dirtay stuff.  I suspect that her sash is gone because she knows that when Samantha keeps it real in tha hizzy, Samantha ain’t wearin’ no sash/representin’ no crown.  And let me tell you, she is NOT representing her crown very well in the following display, so this is best.

Samantha says: @!!*&@!^&%$!!%&^@$%!!!(&.  when (and when not) asked for comment on the girls, throughout the episode.   #themoreyouknow #rainbowgraphic

ROSE CEREMONY ENGAGE:

Freezing, the girls are all arranged outside for the rose ceremony.  It appears as though the perspiration sitting atop the skin of their already dehydrated frames is somehow evaporating into the cold air of an inexplicably foggy/misty night.

Nope, nope sorry it’s dry ice and interns.

↓ WAIT WHERE DID THIS HOT GIRL COME FROM???? ↓

Seriously have we seen “Casey S” before?  …. Ok I just went back to my meet-the-women post and I found her; this is what I wrote:

“9.  Casey S., 26, trading clerk, Leawood, Kansas - Nothing. To. Saaaaay.”  So, that explains that.

Anyway, so in the end, Ben keeps some chicks, and gets rid of some chicks.  The chicks he gets rid of are Jenna’s FACE

and Shawn, who I thought he kicked to the curb last week.  Oops.  Honestly I don’t care anymore I am so tired after this recap I could go playfight a girl in a hot tub or pool and *accidentally* smack her on the boob, MONICA.

… subsequently creating the best. moment. of. the entire night.  For the boyfriends/husbands/appreciators of the female body who were watching the show.  Which includes me.  Because that was hot by any definition.  And you know how I like my hottub/pool scenes.  (Slutty.  I like those scenes slutty.)

MY FINAL THOUGHTS:

A.  There is a uniquely delicious irony to the concept of any one of these girls calling any other of these girls a “Stage 5 Clinger,” as one did in this episode.  This is for two reasons.

First reason: by the very nature of the show they are ALL clingers, at the highest stage of cling.  This branding goes without saying for all of the girls and it is therefore ironic AND redundant to voice the taunt to others.

Second reason: the term “Stage 5 Clinger” was adopted as an effective way of describing ladies like the ones specifically on this season of The Bachelor.  I’m sorry now I’M being redundant.  There was only one reason.

B.  Face contortionist Jenna from NYC contorts her face to new heights in this episode and probably for that she is kicked off.  Also, she says some nonsense about how she’s not a girl, not yet a not-girl.  No wait that’s a Britney lyric.  Something about being a man?  No that couldn’t be it since Jenna is the most emotional, teary mess of a person I have ever encountered in my ENTIRE LIFE.  (Sorry, Jenna.  But seriously.  You are not ok.)

WHAT. is going on. with the faces, Jenna.

Whatever, I have to let you go now because Ben did.  But that doesn’t mean I won’t miss you, Jenna.  Just…. just don’t fight the doctors because they are there to help you.  Listen to them.  It’s the only way.

BAMBINO’S FINAL THOUGHTS:

Ok, SO.  What are YOUR thoughts?  About anything at all.  Let’s hear it.  Please, you start talking now because I am EXHAAAAAAAUUUUUSTED.

xoxo!  - Alison

RUSTIC COUNTRY DIY WEDDING | … Uhhhhhhh can I haz it? Oh how I ADORE the mismatched bridesmaids look! | By Erica Ann Photography and Fine Art

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Hellllloooooo, lovelies!  How goes it?  … Good, good that’s good.  Uhhh so HEY, hey…. you…. pssssst…… you…. yeah, you, over there…. hey you wanna see a wedding?

AWESOME.  I mean really?  REALLY?!  Ohhhh man, that’s awesome.  Awesome awesome awesome because I got one.  So this is PERFECT.  Man I’m, I’m just so glad you said so!  This really worked out well.  Also, I think this means we’re besties now…?  Also also, I’ll be turning in my Not Yet 100% Ridiculous membership card later.  Because all of that-ness that just went on earlier in the paragraph was just RIDIC ulous.  I’m worried though that they might not have alumni pins for when you’re out of the NY100%A club, because they probably don’t want to be associated with the people who aren’t in it anymore… seeing as we’re weird in a weird way now, instead of a cute way.  … Yeah.  Dang.

While I was writing that useless uselessness just now, “Say My Name” by Destiny’s Child came on and The Bambino gave me the most judgmental look.  And so I changed it.  Bambino’s look, it said everything, and I knew what I had to do.  Because he was write and did I just say “write” instead of “right?”  Did I just do that?  WOW.  WOW, Alison.  WOW.

Ok ten more seconds have passed and so we’re safely listening to Adele now and I feel confident and cool enough to share this wedding with you now.  Submitted by the fabulous Erica of Erica Ann Photography and Fine Art, this rustic wedding “out in the middle of nowhere’sville” as Erica puts it, is the best something someone has slammed into my face’s eyes in the past what, day or two?  Sorry I see a lot of weddings; I know writing “I’ve EVER SEEEEN” is more effective, but you have to put it into perspective.  But a DAY is a lot of time and a lot of weddings in my world so that means this wedding is effing BRILL, as my British colleagues say (or don’t say, I don’t know.  Actually I hope British people don’t think Americans use “psychedelic” or “hip” anymore or ever… so maybe I’ll stop generalizing slang words onto an entire population).

Aaaaaaaand we haven’t even talked about the wedding yet.  Let’s do that.  Ok so THIS WEDDING is killer.  Why?  Well, for starters, here’s how one of you hilarious members of wedding parliament (that sounds better than*Twitter followers*) responded to a sneak peek of wedding on le Twittaire:

@alyssas@theknottybride Can’t wait to experience this amazepunch of awesomeness. To the face.”

That word.  ”Amazepunch.”  It is… it takes my breath away.  It takes my breath away, Miss Alyssa.  But beyond that, here’s what I’m so excited to share with you guys… I adore the simple but perfectly perfect way that they decorated their ceremony space/altar.  It’s small, and it’s lovely, and it makes their photos bring a tear to mine eye.  In addition to their beautiful, beautiful love which does that, too.  What else?  HER DRESSSSSSS.  Next?  The simplicity of the decor, which proves you really just need the RIGHT touches, not a gazillion touches, when it comes to making a visual impact with your decor.

Before we get to the point you came here… check out some words from Erica:

Last month I photographed a perfectly rustic, laid back country DIY wedding! And when I say country, I mean, out in the middle of nowhere’sville. (There’s not even cell reception, gasp!) The Dalles Ranch is a stunning wedding venue – with an amazing view of Mt Hood. Ashley and Curtis decorated with their beautiful DIY projects and garage sale finds. They filled empty windows with lace, sawed the legs off of tables to make their candle holders and collected tea tins to fill with flowers. (I can definitely get more info on the DIY project from the bride) Their family made all of the food with pulled pork, beans and salads. I can’t imagine a more personal, hand-crafted wedding! Oh, and even the bow-ties were handmade by their friends at Harding and Wilson. Seriously – way too cute.

And now heed the lowdown from our gorgeous bride, Ashley:

Curtis and I met during our spring breaks, I was in Nursing school in Portland and I came down to visit my Brother and Sister-in-Law in Corvallis where Curtis was going to school. My brother actually had a plan to set me up on blind date… but it wasn’t with Curtis. My mom accidentally spilled the beans about the blind date, we’ll just say I was completely opposed to this idea and it was obvious. However, later that night I met Curtis, he was a friend of my brother’s coworker. From that night on, the rest is history. I made the trips from Portland, he made the trips from Corvallis, and we just made it work.

We got engaged in March 2 days before our one year anniversary and we didn’t really think about a wedding date, we just enjoyed being engaged. Curtis is somewhat of a Type A personality and I am more of a fly by the seat of your pants, spontaneous kind of gal. So when we decided to set a date and it was only 2 months away, everyone thought I was clinically insane! Curtis and I didn’t want a Fancy pants wedding. We were both set on it being laid back, fun for EVERYONE and not extremely expensive. The one thing we agreed to adequately budget for was a photographer. We wanted someone who could capture the experience and not the poses. Someone who could surprise us with those photos that could actually take us back to those moments in time. It was, and it couldn’t have been captured any more perfectly!

The brainstorming began and much of it was based around sentiment opposed to extravagance. The decorations were simple yet beautiful. We went to rebuilding stores and used table legs to make candle holders (which is something my grandfather did back in the day). We also bought old farm windows and attached lace or chicken coop to them and had simple sayings or pictures attached. Our backdrop was a huge tree with one of the lace windows and the words “with all my love” attached. This saying was very special to me because my grandfather surprised my grandmother with her wedding dress and this was the simple note he placed on top of the dress. He then signed every card he gave her that way. Other decorations were bought at yard sales and second hand stores, old English tea tins and a collection of random clear glass candle holders.

The Groomsmen looked handsome in their custom made bow ties by Harding and Wilson- one of Curtis’ dear friends. As for the gals, each had of them have a very distinct and unique personality and I wanted them to feel comfortable in their dresses… so they got to pick their own and I was absolutely happy with that. As for my dress, I knew I wanted a cap sleeved, keyhole back all lace dress, and i found it! Flowers were put together by my mom’s good friend and most of them were out of her yard.

A couple of things I absolutely LOVED, we had a 2 story high bonfire to end the night. It was unreal, I had never seen anything like it. Also a friend of Cutris’ who was supposed to be in the wedding was deployed to Afghanistan, so we bought a cardboard cut out of Edward from Twilight and glued his face to it! Lastly my family was incredible. They made all the food, pulled pork, salads, baked beans. Everything was perfect.

I feel like I could go on and on just because I loved our wedding day SO much

My advice to brides… Take a chill pill, your wedding will be so much more enjoyable if you are able to be calm and collected, not to say there will not be bumps in the road, but it is all in how you handle these bumps that makes the difference in the experience. Also look into other options besides strapless dresses, there are many wonderful, not to mention affordable dresses out there! Lastly make your wedding unique to you, it doesn’t have to be exactly like someone else’s, it’s an expression of YOUR love!  - Xoxox Ash

↑ I.  Love That Picture. ↑

What do you think?  As usual here are some questions, muh friends, if you’re at a loss for words:

1. Are you digging that altar situation?  I love the decision to put quotes relating to love behind the ultimate exchange of love.  Seems, I dunno… what’s the word?  Let’s see– ‘fitting?’  Seems ‘fitting?’  Yeah that’s it.  ’Fitting.’

2. How do you feel about braided bridal hair styles?  Fan?  Not-a?  Ambivalent?  On the fence?  Oh wait that’s what ambivalent means.

3. What’s 1 + 2?  Sorry that’s just my spam catcher.

4. Do you adore how she looks in that dress as much as I do?

xoxo!  - Alison

Photography: Erica Ann Photography and Fine Art / Venue: The Dalles Ranch / Flowers: Karen McGunnis (Family Friend) / Bride’s Dress: Bridal Exclusives/Allure / Bride’s Shoes: Moxy / Hair: Sadie Tidand of New Vintage Beauty Lounge / Groom’s Suit: Billy London / Bowties: Harding and Wilson / Cake: Sidekicks in Albany, OR

DEAR TKB: S.O.S.!!! | (… Turns out there are approximately a lot of ladies out there with in-law issues.)

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Happy late Friday evening, friendlies… :)

I found two Tic Tacs hiding in the upper hood part of my last remaining Tic Tac dispenser a little while ago.  So, I mean I don’t wanna call it yet, but I think I might have avoided that whole Friday the 13th/bad luck thing today.  So I’m feeling good.  I’m really feeling good about that.  So what better than to give advice to someone who’s feeling pretty shi**y right now?  Eh?  Right?  I think it’s the perfect time.

But first, here’s a short bit of YouTube heaven Honey showed me that just might have made my entire life with its incredibleness.  (You sort of have to understand me to understand why.  And I’m a pretty open book so I think that means all of you even if you’re visiting for the first time ever will understand why this is my s**t.)…….

Ok, SO!  This evening we’ve got a li’l somethin’ somethin’ I like to call a Reader Question to address today.  Why today?  Well because a considerable portion of the questions that get submitted to the blog have an alarming sense of urgency to them; like “would you answer this before I choose the only apparent remaining option of killing myself?”  So I like to– I like to answer those ones fast.  If you feel me.

Now, Miss C – who submitted today’s question – is a familiar reader, and I can attest a very sane, smart one, too.  So while I know she isn’t choosing between life and death, I still wanted to take this one on POSTHASTE.

Hey Alison,

I am doubly elated & chagrined at your newest addition to TKB: real life issues with your in-laws. Elated(!) because it’s a mucho necessary and quite amusing feature. Chagrined because, well, I’m still only engaged–not even yet married–and my in laws are already creating all sorts of pre-marital grief. In other words, I need your h-e-l-p.

The long & short (I’ll do my best…): my fiance and I have decided to not have any children at our reception. Not an uncommon occurrence. We’re having an evening wedding in Boston in December & our venue isn’t kid friendly per se (think glass walls and boutique hotel). This no kids decision includes his nieces and nephew who will range between the ages of 2-11 when we take our vows. They will be part of our wedding ceremony, and since we’re getting married at Christmas time we have plans to treat the older kids to the Rockette’s Christmas show in Boston during our reception, so they, too, get a fun night out. Kinda cute, right?

Except for the fact my fiance’s mother has metamorphosized into some sort of sniper and is attacking us from what feels like every angle. Now, we weren’t stupid. We knew there’d be resistance to our throwing a no-kids bash. But apparently we’re a bit more ignorant than previously imagined because his family’s reaction to our decision has us both very thrown. His mother is leading this bandwagon. She will not see eye-to-eye with us. We’ve explained–the venue isn’t appropriate, the kids will still be included in our ceremony, we will arrange & pay for a babysitter/accommodations/child-friendly activities to make sure the kids are entertained and well cared for. We’re also hosting a brunch the day after the wedding for immediate family which will include his nieces and nephews. NONE of this is good enough. I’m about ready to get off that illustrious “high road” and start tossing around some “tough f$%*@! cookies.”

To be honest, my fiance and I are equally hurt and befuddled by her reaction. She’s already used his older brothers as weapons, citing the fact neither of them chose to exclude children at their weddings, in fact “they didn’t even consider venues that weren’t kid-friendly.” My gut reaction? Big whoop, lady. Never mind the fact, only one grandchild existed when his last brother got married. There are now five grandchildren total. This is our wedding, and since each of her sons is an individual person, he will, in turn, make his own personal decisions. I don’t think we’re being selfish in our wishes. We’ve thought long and hard about how best to include the children in our very important day, but somehow this is lost on her. She keeps talking about when she closes her eyes, she pictures the children there, celebrating with us. Except she’s missing the major consideration–that it our day, and while we never thought everyone would agree with the decisions and considerations we’ll make about our wedding day, her attitude and accompanying guilt trips steal away from our own happiness and excitement about getting married.

How do we get across that we are: a.) firm in our decision b.) understand family reservations but c.) ultimately want everyone to respect our wishes? I’m desperate, Alison. I need a hail Mary pass. Like yesterday. How do I remain calm and empathetic when each day that passes I feel more targeted and challenged by his mother and accompanying family’s disapproval?

S.O.S!

xxoo

Miss C

Dear Miss C,

Welcome to the world of the engaged/married!  Where you get to interact with people who, if it weren’t for your falling in love with your fiancé, you probably would never have met at all.

The beautiful part of your dilemma is that you and your fiancé see eye to eye on the issue.  That is excellence, and a better start than most in your style of predicament.  I wish you both continued like-mindedness in your future.

Ok.  My first thought is for you to write one mass letter, addressed to his mother and the parents of all of the children who are effected by your very appropriate, sensible and considerate decision regarding the ceremony, reception and brunch.  You really are going above and beyond with your solution, and I am impressed and moved by the arrangements you’re making for everyone!

You do not – I repeat, you do not – need to apologize in any way.  There is nothing that you’re doing that requires one.  Actually, they should be asking your forgiveness for putting you through all this stress.  Be straight forward and confidently know that what you’re doing is proper, because it is.

Include in the body of the letter how thrilled you both are to have found one another and how happy you will be to have them all celebrate your special day together.  Tell them how much you want the children to be at the ceremony and the next day’s brunch.  Then tell them how you and your fiance envisioned your reception being an adult only event and because of that, and also desiring to entertain the children who will be attending two of the three scheduled events, you have arranged enjoyable, alternate and age specific attractions for them during the reception.

(Be assured C, that most kids are bored at receptions or just run around and eventually either fall asleep on the floor or seek the attention of their parents, which usually prevents these same parents from having a great time.)

Close with stating a hope that they will honor your personal wishes and make your and your fiance’s wedding day the most wonderful day in your lives, and one which they contributed to making possible.

This, if they are empathetic future relatives, should do it.  If not, eff them.  <– optional.

Good luck!

-meeeeee.

P.S., you guys – Honey took Bambino to the office today.  Where two other dogs were already broughtenified by coworkers.  Bambino doesn’t understand the concept of “taking breaks” or “not playing eight hours straight without aforementioned breaks not taken” so, as you can imagine, he was a puddle of this at the end of the day:

Can I be honest, for a second, with you guys?  I didn’t miss him while he was gone.  I got SO MUCH WORK DONE.  Is that terrible?  I’m a terrible, terrible parent, aren’t I.

So, back to the meat (or vegan patty – I don’t want to offend) of this post — what are your thoughts for today’s reader, you guys?  I’d love for Miss C to have a lot of perspectives on this, since, as you know, I’m only one girl, with one perspective, who happens to have her own soapbox.

xoxo!  - Alison

JCG Events and Serendipity Studios are members of Vendor Love, The Knotty Bride’s preferred vendor guide.  Click here to explore.

Credits: Image by Serendipity Studios / Styling by JCG Events


PRE-BACHELOR RECAP PERSONAL POST | I needed a good cry today. This did it.

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Happy late Tuesday evening, faces.  I truly believe we’ll see eye to eye on this.

Ok, so here’s the thing.  I’m hard at work on the ol’ recap of last night’s balls to the wall episode of The Bachelor right now (o.O) and I’ve gotta say… it’s getting to me.  It’s getting to me in a new way, in addition to all the ways it has gotten to me.  It’s getting to me how very misguided so many of these young ladies are this season.  Misguided about love; what it means, and how to know you’re there.  Misguided about finding “The One” and what that means, and how doing death-defying stunts together does not a lifelong connection forge.  Misguided about getting married, and what it means.  Misguided about life, in general.  About how to treat people.  About the fact that trying to edge out a new contestant is useless, because you can’t *win* this.  You can’t *win* hearts.  You can’t *beat* the other girls.  A bunch of ladies on this show – and in the world – think this is possible.

And I see that and I’m like, What?  WHAT?  Really?  If a man feels a connection with a woman, a man feels a connection with a woman.  It’s not about winning.  It CAN’T be.  And if it is?  If you can *win* a competition for his heart by down-talking your competitor, or bringing her self-esteem down?  If that somehow changes his mind about that girl?  Guess what.  He hasn’t figured out what he’s doing on this earth yet.  He’s probably at the same point in the process of self-discovery as you are.  He is not ready for love, for a relationship, for anything other than self-discovery.

Whatever.  The point is, I’ve been needing a reality check.  A break from recapping this EPIC episode of EPIC EPICNESS.  I needed to look at, and to feel within, something that was real.  Something that was born of a lifetime of love, togetherness, soulfulness and real connection.

Something that spoke to me, and delivered me from the depths of the emotionally immature.

Anyway so cool news: I totally f**king fouuuund that s**t!  Vic Pellicier Photography submitted it, and I’m sharing it with you right now as somewhat of a palate cleanser before I deliver this insaneballs Bachelor recap that’s been humping my brain all day.

I got chills.  They multiplyin’.

Now to bring you back to level-headedness today, there is also this:

Dancing and crying – two of my favorite things it turns out!

What gives you chills?  What are your favorite moments, wedding-wise or  life-wise?  Have you found love?  What makes you know it?  I’d love to hear what’s important to you.

For those of you who care: the Knotty Bachelor recap is in progress, friendlies.  I thank you for your patience.  This one was…… special.  It was a special episode.  Very, very special.

xoxo!  - Alison

Photography: Vic Pellicier Photography

THE BACHELOR RECAP | EP 3: SUPER MELLOW + DOWN TO EARTH + DRAMA FREE.

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Oh hi- hello, I didn’t see you there.  Welcome to late Wednesday evening.  Your Bachelor Recap is ready.  Sorry it took me exactly the same amount of time that it took me last time to get it up.  That’s what she said.

PREFACE

Ahhhh this show.  This show!  It is nothing if it is not a girl’s guide to how not to act in a relationship.  New, never before experienced levels of mean were introduced to our worlds and etched on our souls, like so many horror films we have regretfully agreed to watch over time at the behest of our significant others.  These girls wrote the book on meanness.  They were the true story inspiration for that film that coke-fiend starred in when she was not yet a coke-fiend.  And wouldn’t ya know, I really thought I was going to miss the theatrics of one Jenna The Blogger.  You guys.  It took three minutes for this episode to make me go “Who’s Jenna?”.  Jenna is a delightful, calming breeze on a warm summer day, to me, now that I’ve seen this episode.  Jenna, you are a shining, incandescent touchstone of reason amidst insurmountable frenzy of the mind and heart.  You are now my female-Ames-equivalent; I will forever have you in mind.

IN TODAY’S TOP NEWS

1. I have officially added ‘Butt Skiing Backwards’ to My Leap List.  In other news, I have created a Leap List.  It has one item on it.

2. BEN UPDATE: no adjustments/improvements have been made to Ben’s appearance since last week’s recap where I indirectly pleaded for it.  Especially, and most notably, his hair issue.  I think he’s bathing in EVOO before tapings and then brushing his hair out with one of those brushes you buy for little girls without a lot of hair and so the bristles, they’re too soft to get between individual hair strands and so all the brush does is creative static and flatness.  And womanliness.  Still acclimating to this.

Ok I just have to come out and say it.  Ben reminds me of the neanderthals on the Geico commercials.  I’M SORRY.  Is that terrible?  It’s my truth.  And so it is written.  Because I am a truth teller.

3. I’m excited about the new bikini sunshine skiing addition to the show.  I look forward to it becoming a staple feature on the show ad infinitum.

4. My new favorite person of the week = BEHBEH MCLIDDLES.

^ can YOU do that?  I certainly can’t do that.  And she did that BY ACCIDENT.

You know that Allison Krauss song, “New Favorite?”  I’m singing that for Kacie B.  You might be shocked that I’m saying that but I mock the ones I love.  FYI as I sing, Ben’s on the ivory keys backing me up.  His sweet, soulful rendition of [insert any love song learned in college to woo women] gives me tingles in my special parts.  It is amazing.  It is seriously amazing.  It is seriously the most amazing thing I have ever seen or heard in my life, his piano playing and on a scale of 1 to 10 I have never felt this way before IN MY LIFE and I am the luckiest girl in the world and these are all direct quotes about meaningless moments from the girls on this season of The Bachelor.

YOU HAVE REACHED THE PROPER START TO YOUR BACHELOR EPISODE 3 RECAP.  AAAAAAAND BEGIN.

So!  The Bachelor comes on and I am immediately lost.  Full-blown out of my element and gasping for air.  On a scale of 1 to 10 I feel confused and vexed.  Then I remember how it usually takes me a little time to calibrate to *crazy.*  I really screwed myself transitioning directly into this from “The Green Mile.”

Ben talks about last week, saying this:

You guys, I was so wrong.  Ben IS funny, and NOT totally removed from the reality of his current experience!  Things are looking up.

Next, we see Ben is approaching an attractive, level-headed looking young lady and could this be a match made in heave– CRAP IT’S HIS SISTER.  He can’t date his sister, right?  Right, ok.

They sit for a drink that probably costs $5.50 and he gets to telling his sister about how the girls are all professional…

… and I’m left wondering, “does Ben just flat out lie to his sister all the time?  If I were asked to describe these women, as a collective unit, I think “professional” would kick in at about #147.  There are maybe, what, two? three? professionals? in the bevy?  Maybe Ben grew up with access only to urbandictionary.com and not merriam webster and so “professional” means one of the following (copied verbatim from urbandictionary.com):

1. a prostitute; the oldest professional. Used in sentence: Your girl is loose; she aint nothing but a professional.
2. Somebody who gets paid for what they do (as opposed to an amateur).
3. Somebody who works at a job that requires a decent amount of skill and knowledge. Examples: physician, carpenter, chef, engineer. Counter-examples: fast-food clerk, toll-booth attendant, marketing executive, politician, preacher.
4. A Yuppie. The term is used in this way only by Yuppies themselves.
Used in sentence:
“Bob finally realized his dream of becoming a professional bowler.”
“35 year old white female professional seeks black male for bondage fantasies. Must be discreet.”

Ok, Urban Dictionary seems to be Ben’s dictionary of reference.

BEN’S SISTER: “Anyone who you think mom would like, or who I would like?”

BEN: “ohh yeah.  there’s Lindzie, who came on a horse.  There’s LIDDLE BEHBEH.  There’s Courtney.  Who’s a model.  I think that you two would totally hit it off.

whoa WHOA WHOOAAAA, BEN.  Did you just inadvertently call your sister a total bitch on TELEVISION?  Was that an accident, or are we witnessing passive aggressive Ben, with that.  You’ve got some deep issues, bro.  Khloe-Kim level issues.  (Yeah I’m still watching that show I KNOW WTF.)

Ben uses these words to describe Courtney to his sister: “super mellow, down to earth, drama free.

- “SUPER MELLOW”

- “DOWN TO EARTH”

- “DRAMA FREE”

This really made me laugh.  Like, you know how when you write “LOL” sometimes you’re not really laughing out loud you’re just writing it because wtf else are you gonna say?  Well I was laughing out loud.  Right after I said “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?” out loud, which was right after I blacked out from him using those antithesis-of-the-character-of-Courtney words to describe Courtney.  But yeah, when I regained my composure, you can be sure I started laughing out loud.

Ben is amazing at reading women.

Anyway.  So, after he mentions the girls he’s noticing first, he goes on…

BEN: “There are some smart girls…” translation: “there are some girls I do NOT like, too.”

ONE-ON-ONE DATE CARD TIME

This happens:

The one-on-one date card is flown in through the ceiling by Chrisharrison Air and Nicki’s eyes can’t have it read SOON ENOUGH.

It is announced that Emily will be going on the first one-on-one date with Ben, and everyone immediately fakes still liking her.

EMILY: “Lots of things going through my mind right now.  Like, what do I wear…. this is my first time with him… is he going to like me.”

It seems Emily thinks this is one of those Sex Auditions (or, “Fantasy Suite Card Dates”).  Emily, sweetheart, that comes later on.  And I am sorry to tell you this, but by the sheer fact that I personally like you it means Ben won’t, for long.  I want to apologize for that.

Courtney, angry that she isn’t getting every single one-on-one date with Ben, says disparaging things about the girl who got it.  ”Some of these girls are really well educated, but… and, I always say this… book smart can be a little boring.”

Courtney, truer words have never been said.  I am so with you… and, I always say this… people with a large scope of knowledge and world understanding are probably some of least interesting people I know.  I’d rather just participate in a continuous loop of mutual complimenting and comments on the weather.  I just really HATE engaging in any kind of meaningful conversation about topics that affect our world.  SNOOZEFEST.

ONE-ON-ONE WITH EMILY AND BEN – SIMPLE BAY BRIDGE CLIMB

They’re getting closer to the climb, and, ever the relationship-guru, Ben says: “If Emily and I can climb to the top of the Bay Bridge together, there’s no telling how far we can take this relationship.”

Yeah.  Makes sense.

EMILY: “Some people have nightmares about spiders, some people have nightmares about being murdered…”

OMG I’VE NEVER DREAMED OF BEING MURDERED.  If I’ve got my urban legends correct, doesn’t that mean you’re going to die in real life?  THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR EMILY.

Next thing we know they’re climbing a motherf**king bridge.  Ben is asking Emily to establish trust with him, as well as *coincidentally* overcome her worst fear, by climbing a motherf**king bridge.

So applying what I believe to be The Bachelor producers’ “personalized date creation algorithm,” this means that if I was on The Bachelor, Ben would need me to accidentally fall out of a boat and then swim in dark water for an hour without dying from a combination round-house kick to the face of unyielding terror and rapidly falling body temperature.  Yes?  And, assuming I survived the fall/swim, Ben and I would be a perfect match and never cheat on one another?  I mean.  Like.  You guys, this is how The Bachelors evaluate interest, historically.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HEN HOUSE

Thinking they’ve stumbled upon a taping of Fear Factor San Fran, the girls quickly realize they’re instead witnessing the death-defying climb from their hotel room and at least 80% of them (Jaclyn, guaranteed) starts privately wishing for Emily to fall to her death.

We return to the date, and Emily’s PANICKING.  She needs some sort of help, but Ben is not sure what kind.  Ben says, “I’m thinking, what can I do to help her.  I want Emily to know that I’m there for her.”  HELP HER DOWN, BEN.  HELP HER GET BACK DOWN TO WHERE HUMANS ARE.  WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T KISS HER.  YOUR KISSES ECHO WITH SUCH VOLUME AND FORCE THAT JUST ONE OF THEM COULD BRING THIS WHOLE BRIDGE DOWN.  HELP HER GET BACK HOME TO HER DISEASE STUDIES SO SHE CAN IMPROVE THE WORLD INSTEAD OF INDEFINITELY STOMP GRAPES FOR YOU.

BEN: “So I did the only thing I could think of… I gave her a kiss.”  CUE PERFECTLY TIME EMO MUSIC, which makes me mad because I get caught up in the moment whenever the producers do this.  Makes me think they’re using that brain-f**king sound technology that Bloomberg had the police use against the Wall Street protesters.  The Bachelor is mind-f**king me and I am helpless to stop it (except turn off the tv I guess)!

*PECKK*  There’s your kiss, Emily!!  All betta? – Ben

Emily (surprisingly): ALLLLL BETTTAAAAA!

Then Emily makes a very, very unfortunate statement about what bridges do, relating them to relationships in the same way a beauty pageant contestant would answer a judge’s question, or a 2nd grader would answer if, I mean, if 2nd graders understood metaphors.  And then Ben and Emily make various contrived, loosely logical statements born of high levels of pumping adrenaline and a resultant reduced capacity for reason, about how relationships are indeed “like bridges” in the way that they completely aren’t, and how the simple fact that surviving a bridge climb is the relationship-building equivalent of years of daily interaction, trust-enforcement and sheer time spent learning about one another.

Next, Ben and Emily go to din-din.  But more importantly….

IT’S GROUP DATE CARD TIEMPO!!!!

In what feels like her first interview with us(?), Casey S asserts that, really, she’s been here the whole time you guys…

The group date card is delivered.  SURPRISE!  Practically everyone is on it.

This is the point where the girls awkwardly start talking about a Leap List.  And things get stupid.  I check out.  But before I check out, I make a little wish that they never mention “Leap List” again, for the rest of the show.

Back to Emily and Ben’s platonic dinner.  Emily shares a story about being matched online with her brother.  AWESOME.  Clearly you’ve done this before, this dating thing, because if anything, online dating and talk of brothers = the ultimate combo turn on for a guy.  You’ve set the right mood, Emily.  Fireworks ahead!

BEN: ”My father loved my mother because he thought that she was smarter than he was.”

What are you doing on this show.  WHAT. ARE YOU DOING. ON THIS SHOW.  BEN WHAT. ARE YOU DOING. WHATAREYOUDOINGONTHISSHOW.

Anyway, so DEEP AND SIMULTANEOUSLY MEANINGLESS CONNECTION FORGED?  Check.  Ben gives Emily a rose.  And then Ben starts thinking about VIP drink service and runways because who’s this smart chick I’m not legitimately interested in.

The teaser before the commercial break teases us with what’s coming up, of course.  Bikini skiing and a surprise visitor who is no surprise because ABC is nothing if it is not a spoiler of its own teasers, calls The Chrisharrison Emergency Hotline and lets him know that she can’t turn back now, in response to Chrisharrison’s insincere question, “you sure you wanna do this?”

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL; GROUP DATE ON – BISKIINING

Or bikinsiing.  Or skiikining.  They’re going skiing on a fake course created by God.  Interns, get the bikinis and 70′s tube socks ready!

BEN, on skiing in SF: “It’s something I’ve had on my Leap List for a long time now.” – fake thoughts

In this statement, Ben is telling us that in the past, as in before this show, he has often wondered enough to add it to a list, if he could ski on the streets of San Francisco.  Sometimes Ben makes up things to say to the producers.  Like, for example, “I discovered myself on The Bachelorette.”

Unable to compute, personal trainer Elyse says:

They all change into bikinis because all you need is your underwear when you’re careening down a steep incline on a thin layer of broken up ice, and what happens is pretty much the exact script of every 13 yr old boy in America’s wet dream scenario.  Scratch that; every male in America’s wet dream.  Scratch that; I’M wet, watching this.

And then BEHBEH MCLIDDLES brings us home for the money shot:

BEN: “Butt skiing backwards is on my leap list.”  HAHAH!  I’ve got one: Leap Lists are on my Shit List.

NEXT SITUATION – BRITNEY – ONE-ON-DATE EXCEPT NOT

Unshowered, Britney receives the next one-on-one date with Ben and it’s great news, except for one little thing which is that she doesn’t want to go on a one-on-one date with Ben.  She decides she has to tell him… “and then I have to leave FOREVER.”

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL; 2ND PORTION OF GROUP DATE – DRINK ‘TIL YOU’RE SAD

The ladies are all hanging with Ben after a hard day of being entitled, and Ben says, AND I QUOTE,

LOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOOLOLLOLOOOLOLOLOLLOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOOLOOLOLOLL

Ben are we experiencing the same show?  I mean.  I mean come on.  Come on, man.

Remembering Chrisharrison’s earlier advice to TAKE ADVANTAGE OF TIME WITH BEN, Rachel moves in and next thing you know, Rachel and Ben are macking FTW.  Rachel: “I feel like we really connected.”  She is right, if she is exclusively referring to the location where they connected, physically, at the lips.

And Liddle BEHBEH?  Not taking it well…

To her credit, I am not this beautiful when I am mad/jealous.  My face contorts more into a smorgasbord of dejected, extremely focused on a spot in the distance, pensive, and frozen, with juuuust a touch of constipated.  So Ben’s right, “there’s something about Kacie B.; she sparkles.”  You’re right.  Because she’s got bedroom eyes when she’s mad.

BEHBEH: “There’s a rose on the line…..” I definitely want the rose tonight.  I wanna be here.”

Things just got really real.  BEHBEH has finally made it clear that she is interested in getting the rose and – a notion that before now was unclear – the fact that she wants to be with Ben.  An unexpected twist.

Cue Britney crashing the date that’s happening in the hotel garden(?).  Suddenly afflicted by a head and chest cold that’s affecting her ability to pronounce words, she goes and tells Ben the bad news.  Heartbroken, he grimaces adorably and is generally unaffected.  Later, in his interview about Britney leaving, Ben says: ”This sucks. I gave her an honest chance.”

Sooooo… Britney made the right choice, in leaving.

Cue Lindzie getting passed Britney’s one-on-one sloppy seconds.  Cue Lindzie being astronomically more excited than one would expect, given the fact that it was down to her and like a couple other potential girls who were left, or something.  Also, cue Courtney being a huuuuge beeeeyotch about it, when Lindzie leaves the room, mocking her and saying “see ya latr, y’aalll.”  It’s kind of an accurate portrayal but come on, Courtney, you are getting progressively more evil and I no like you anymore.  Jk, I didn’t like you waaaay way back.  This had no impact.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE – BEN AND LINDZIE

Subtitle: All of these things were for Britney.

(I’ll start off by saying that I like this girl, so again, apologies to Lindzie, because that usually means Ben won’t.)

Lindzie continues to speak in hyperbolic extremes throughout the date, and it starts to really, REALLY scare me.  She has reached around three or so “best versions” of experiences in life with Ben, on this date.  And so far they’ve rode on a trolly.

They go to a really nice-looking version of SF’s city hall (see?  uplighting does wonders, brides!) and they are serenaded by some singer I don’t recognize and he says some song lyrics that are bad.  It’s not his fault though; he didn’t get much rehearsal time because he was a last minute replacement for Britney Spears.  You see– they had secured Britney because she has the same name as Britn– well you get it.  ANYWAY HE TOTALLY COULD HAVE A GOOD TIME WITH YOU, TOO, Lindzie.

LINDZIE: “I don’t normally kiss boys on the first date.  But it just happened.” – things all girls say

BEN: “I feel like Lindzie is a complete woman!”  Ok.  I mean, I wasn’t– was this something you were doubting?  She doesn’t appear to have any male features but I mean anything’s possible.

BEN: “Lindzie…. has potential!” – ewww.  Ben are you her football coach or are you trying to date her?  Are you saying she just needs to bulk up for the regular season because this isn’t high school anymore, or are you trying to get to know her sincerely?  Are you saying she could be first string next year if she learns to take a hit or are you hoping to get into her pants later?  Are you pretty much saying she has potential for you to maybe start to like her, but that right now you’re not feeling it?  If that’s the case, you should let her know that, instead of stringing her along OH WAIT RIGHT THAT’S THE NATURE OF THE SHOW.  WHOOPS!  Almost forgot.

A gentleman no matter what, Ben asks Lindzie: “I’d like to know why you’re still single.”  Awww, how sweet!  How sweet of you to ask these girls why no man has loved them enough to commit!  You have a way with words, kind sir.

LINDZIE: “blah blah blah he broke up with me after a year and a half, by texting me ‘Babe welcome to dumpsville, population you.’”  F**k.  Lindzie, that SUCKS.  Some guys are real a$$holes.  I’m glad you’re dating Ben now.  O.o

They move to the piano where Ben plays some upbeat David Gray.  Lindzie passes out from being impressed.  When she wakes up, she says, “on a scale of 1 to 10, that’s amazing. that’s seriously amazing.”  Lindzie is the new hyperbole master and should take her throne.  Lindzie: 247.  BEHBEH: 212.

CUT AGAIN TO (this is going to happen 100 more times until Shawntel finally arrives): Nameless driving ghost who has 24/7 access to Chrisharrison who we all know is Shawntel who tells Chris AGAIN that she’s on her way.  She has informed Chris of her specific coordinates 400 times already, but most of the calls were left on the cutting room floor.

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL, SHAWNTEL’S COMING… IN A BIT; FIRST THE GINGER TAKES ACTION

So Jennifer stands up to join Ben and on a scale of 1 to 10 I pass out and involuntarily engage in a photosensitive epileptic seizure resulting from tonight’s chosen ensemble.

JENNIFER: I just want you to know that I have already f**ked you in my mind 4 times.  You’re dreamy.  I think about you all the time.

Naturally, Ben is not totally freaked out by this, and *does not* just choose to kiss her as a means of escaping the situation as quickly as possible. <– Whatever it is, it’s NOT all of that.

Jennifer and Ben start to dab one another’s tongues together, as if to remove leftover bits of salt-water taffy wrapping that got stuck to the inside of her mouth earlier when she was binging off camera.  They proceed to mouth-connect for longer than I would have preferred, in a pecking/swirling manner.  Because they’re definitely not kissing, that is not kissing.  That’s lizards slapping at food particles.

Jaclyn sees the mouthing, and Jaclyn’s sadness receives a jolt of sadness to keep her sadness going.  Unfortunately at this point, Jaclyn doesn’t disappear.  Not that that was a possibility but I’ve just been sort of waiting for her to magically *go away*.  It seems we’ll all have to wait for when the producers finally allow Ben to remove her.

THE PART IN EVERY SHOW WHERE COURTNEY SAYS THINGS AND BEN DISAPPOINTS US

COURTNEYISMS:

  1. “Nikki, bless her little heart, she’s so sweet, but, like, you look like an idiot.”
  2. “Blakely is the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats on you with.” – aka, blakely sort of looks like the girl my actor bf cheated on me with.
  3. Courtney, to girls: “blah blah blah [starts trouble] blah blah etc.”  Leaves.  ”THAT’S HOW YOU STIR A POT, BEYOTCHES.”

A rational thinker, Emily offers the court: “Courtney has personality problems and a social disorder and should get diagnosed, but that has nothing to do with me and Ben.”  Ok, yes, that would be a statement of factual information.

1:21: Courtney leaves the newly minted room of weirdness that she just created and goes to be with Ben.  You’re doing it right, Courtney.

Regretting that he’s not with Blakely for this hilarious moment because that would be more fitting – Ben says to Courtney: “John F Kennedy used to bring Marilyn Monroe to this place.”  A hopeless romantic, Ben guides Courtney over to the precise location where JFK romantically cheated on his wife Jackie O.

They kiss, after Courtney spends 20 minutes laying saliva onto her lips to be ready for it.

Cut to Shawntel, prepping for her grand entrance.  She says words and phrases that amount to “CONFIDENCE” “HE WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH ME” “DROP IN THE BUCKET” and to the viewer, who has now been introduced to an actual lady professional who is independent and strong, this is an exciting time.  Qualities he asserted to his sister were present in certain phantom women we certainly hadn’t yet met……. could this– could it be?  Could it be that this professional independent strong woman has arrived to win his heart?

Then, it happens.  Shawntel walks in…

and she is ALMOST COMPLETELY UNNOTICED by the other women.  What??!!!!  They’re in the same room when this happens, right?  Then I mean howwwwww?  Maybe it’s because they’re are all engaged in some sort of single girls’ color war and the Red and Black teams are currently fighting to win the adult-version of Miss Ultimate Supreme in the Useless Chatter Category.

OMFG COMMERCIAL?!!!!!

Quick aside while we’re at commercial.  It’s abundantly clear that most of them googled things like “how to make a man’s penis move” before coming on this show because it is a proven fact that women in red dresses are the biggest turn on for men, in a study of many dress colors.  That’s why the room is chock full of nuts in red dresses.

OMG BACK FROM COMMERCIAL

It takes a few seconds longer than we expect for them to notice her, but believe you me, when they do, WHOOOAAAA HOHOWHOOAAAAA when they dooooo… they completely the opposite of like it.  In fact Shawntel’s sheer presence metamorphosizes the pack, heretofore discordant with nary an alliance, into one gigantic unyielding SheDevil hellbent on complete and utter Shawntel obliteration.  It could have been anybody.  It could have been anybody.  It was the right time, and it was the right place, and if the editing room had thrown the lyric “I was in the riiiiiight plaaaaace, butitmustabeenthe wrooooooong taaahhhhm… I was on the riiiiiight trip, butImusta used the wrooong car” from Jon Spencer Blues Explosion’s “Right Place, Wrong Time” into the mix I seriously would have cum right there in my yoga pants, thanks to what would have been the absolute full-circle perfection of it all.  Alas, on a scale of 1 to 10, I remain vaginally unquenched by the show thus far.

CUE: UNITED FRONT OF HATEFULNESS: ‘SHOCK AND AWWW COME ON NO FAIR!’ CAMPAIGN

We hear ladies shout out things like “Who is that.”  ”Who is that girl.”  ”Who IZZZZZZZ that.”  ”Maybe it’s one of his ex-girlfriends.”  Oooohhhh, maybe.  Or maybe it’s Shawntel from Chico, CA, a well-known if not notorious former contestant on The Bachelor during Brad’s season????!!!!!!!!!!  How do they not recognize Shawntel?  Maaaaybe, if they had recognized her, they’d have realized that she comes off as one of the sweetest, most opposite-of-deserving-your-hate kinds of women, and maybe THEN they might have thought twice about unleashing thei– no, ok, that’s wrong.  That’s probably totally wrong.  I don’t think it mattered who it was.

Deeply flustered, Elyse can’t let go of it and accidentally breaks into song, saying “who ISZZZZZZZ she.  Whoooooo’s that laaaaaday, WHOOOOS DAT LAAAAAYDAAAAYE.  SEXYYYY LAAAAAYDAY, WHOOOOS DAT LAAAAADAAAAYE…”

Putting the dictionary definition of a pun to work, Nicki says, “Shawntel rides in on her high… hursenooo pun intended.”  Ooohhhh BURN, Nicki.  You totally slammed her, except for the part where you employed the precise method of creating a pun with your words.

At the 1:28 hour marker, Jaclyn LITERALLY SAYS, “This bitch walks in.  Shuffles her way into a crowd.  I was like, who ARRRE you?  We are NOT FRIENDS.  Scram bitch.”

She also says “I feel that I’m better than Shawntel.  I respect Ben enough to know that he’s not going to accept Brad’s leftovers.”  ”Shawntel is Brad’s dumpster trash.”

Jaclyn is doing a really great job of living up to the producers’ expectations for her.

THE SACRIFICE

Ben has the bright idea to introduce Shawntel to the momentarily at rest pack of starving hyenas, who have all conveniently been herded into one room to *receive* their prey.  He tells us off camera “I hope these women are gracious and welcoming.”  LOL, Ben.  LOL.  Dude, we gotta hang out you are hiLARRYous.  He then proceeds to LEAVE HER THERE.  Perhaps as a sacrifice to the God of Insecurity and Sadness.

I think it’s Elyse(?) who says “What are you doing here.”  THANK YOU FOR ASKING THAT, ELYSE.  You say what’s on everybody’s mind but we’re all too scared to ask out loud.  Because it would make us sound incredibly stupid.

I wish Shawntel had said something like “I’m here to arrange your flight and hotel accommodations for next week’s dates.”  But you always think of cool things to say AFTER the fight’s over.

Jaclyn goes: “WHAT.  So now you’re just like, PART OF US?” – if by *us* she means *the girls going home* then yes, she’s now part of you, Jaclyn.

Hey, remember back there when Ben introduced Shawntel and he said “I hope these women are gracious and welcoming.”  ?

That was so funny when he did that.

Erika The Lawyer totally disappoints me and says all of this s**t:

  • “HOW can she possibly think she has a connection.  I think she’s full of it.”  Touche, Erika.  By the way, I would advise you to hydrate.
  • “I think she’s uglier in person.  She’s got thicker thighs than I do, which always makes me feel better.”  Who SAYS this stuff?  Like, OUT LOUD, and like ON TELEVISION?  I’ll tell you what, my first guess wasn’t “lawyers do.”

By the way, I changed my mind; someone take all the water away from her for the rest of the night until the Rose Ceremony please.  Thank you.

COCKTAIL PAR– WAIT WHAT?

The white man’s Will Smith character from “Hancock,” Chrisharrison flies in from above and announces Ben wants no cocktail party SO DEAL WITH IT.

Chrisharrison: “Shawntel fucked your shit up.  Deal with it, bitches.” – that’s pretty much a direct quote so I didn’t have to asterisk it.

The women have been working on killing Shawntel with their words ever since Shawntel showed up, before Chrisharrison interrupted them.  As you were, ladies.

ROSE CEREMONY ENGAGE

Cut to the girls having conniptions.  Cut to the girls dying of cholera.  Cut to the girls having a cow out of one collective uterus not large enough to birth a cow without intense pelvic and emotional pain.

1, 2 & 3 = Lindzie, Emily and Rachel, who already have roses.

4.  Courtney.  ”I will, but tonight was a lot and I just want you to know that.” It was not easy seeing you talking to “what’s her butt.”   Courtney is LOVERLY.

5. Kacie B (LIDDLE BEHBEH). “course. thank you.”

6. Elyse. “absolutely.”

7. Jamie.

8. Jennifer.

1:45 – Jaclyn: “”On a scale of one to ten, I feel like I’m going to throw up.” – ok soooo… wait where does that fall like, on the scale.  The scale of numbers you just mentioned before you changed the measurement system to unqualified hurling.

9. Casey S

10. Blakely  (YEAH!  HOORAH!)

11. Monica

12. Nicki (“of course I will, I’m all better I’m normal don’t worry oh that back there? nothing.”)

13. Samantha

1:47 – UH OH.  lawyer doesn’t feel good.  Good time for a cliff-hanger commercial break, I think…

CUT TO COMMERCIAL UPPP NO ITS CHRIS ANNOUNCING FINAL ROSE

Ben wants to say a few things.  But lawyer doesn’t have time and on a scale of 1 to 10 she faints.  She faints under the sheer weight of her emotional pain.  She can’t stand up; her weakened body is capitulating to her overwhelming sadness.  That’s how SAD SHE IS RIGHT NOW YOU GUYS.

Rachel says, “that bitch Shawntel. Better not get a rose.”  Rachel you have disappointed me.  You already HAAAAVE a rose.  Why is it all about group think with these ladies, when they’re all together and faced with a common enemy?  Oh wait that’s what group think means.

BEN: “I cannot hand out this final rose tonight.”

What does this mean?  It means Jacyln: GONE.  Erika: GONE.  Shawntel: GON–WAIT WHAT SHAWNTEL’S GONE WHAT?

Ben walks out Shawntel and five-time winner of the Ms Congeniality title Courtney says: “See ya!  Sayonara!”  This is claaaassic Courtney, you guys.  Cuh-lassssic.

The show ends, and I am left remembering exactly why I hated high school.

OHHHHMYYYYYYGAAAAAAAHHHHD I’m finally done I can’t believe it.  OMFG.  That back there actually took me DAAAYS.  I had to do it in shifts because I couldn’t handle mocking it straight through.  I think it would have killed me – emotionally, killed me emotionally, to have done it straight through.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I feel completely ridiculous right now, regardless.

Ok whatever ANYWAY, friendlies.  Enough out of me.  I would love to hear what you’re thinking.  On any of it.

Some questions if you’d like: Were you surprised that Ben didn’t keep Shawntel?  Were you surprised at the behavior of the Lady Bevy?  Were you feeling for Shawntel as much as I was?

xoxo  - Alison

#1: VENDOR SPOTLIGHT | Bride & Groom + 30-50% Off Selected Items = Certain Happiness

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Happy Monday, ladies and gentlepersons!  Here’s post numero one of the day for your faces… aaaand GO!

On the lookout for some stellar bespoke wedding stationery?  Well then you’ve definitely got to visit Bride & Groom.  They’re a trusted purveyor of quality invitations, save the dates and much more wedding-related awesomeness that you’re just going to have to check out over on their little island on the internet.  Go ahead, check it!  There are like a gazillion things to see over there.  If you’d like some more details about this company, we’ve got a little Q & A for you.  Have a listen!

1. Ok, so!  Please tell us, what stationery products / ranges does Bride & Groom stock?

Bride and Groom stock a beautiful range of Wedding Invitations and Stationery including Save the Dates, RSVP, Order of Service, Thank You Cards and Menus. There is a wide range to suit all tastes and budgets, from beautifully finished cards with delicate ribbons, to cards that can be personalised at home. Bride and Groom have designs for traditional, contemporary, or getting married abroad weddings. In 2011 we have added ranges such as wedding packs, make your own cards, and products by DIY designers Mandalay to broaden the current trend of DIY. New for 2012, are plush designs by Elizabeth Harvey Jones and Pear Tree.

2. What accessory products / ranges does Bride & Groom stock?

Everything! We have hundreds of accessories including items for the ceremony, ring bearing cushions, flower girl baskets, bubbles, garters and confetti etc. Wedding reception products include personalised serviettes, personalised favour boxes, cake boxes, cake knives, table plans and place cards. Gifts for the guests include bridesmaids and best man to ushers and pageboys.

3. Tell us a little about your bespoke / personalized designs.

All of our invitations can be personalised through the website using our new online personalisation technology. Brides and Grooms can choose from our suggested standard wordings and fonts, or create their own wording, fonts and colours.

4. How popular are you guys?

Bride & Groom = currently UK no.1 for Wedding Invitations (based on Google searches).  The brand is growing in recognition and we’re expecting a strong 2012 season. At this quiet time of year, the Bride & Groom website receives 10,000 visits per week from Brides and Grooms looking to buy their wedding stationery and accessories.

There ya go, friendlies.  And here’s a quick bonus for the road: they have a “free wedding photo album with orders over £125 ($194 USD)” promotion going on right now… sooooo, I dunno, but that kinda sounds like a good idea to check out.  :)

Any personal faves?  I love anything involving a touch of gold or gold foil.  So, I mean, clearly the airplane/jetting one is doing it for me in ways I can’t properly explain to you on paper.

xoxo!  - Alison

P.S. – Coming up… another post for your faces.  Why?  Don’t ask why; ask why not.

#2: PINK PARTY INSPIRATION | If you’re lucky, your sister is a wedding stylist! | By JCG Events + Serendipity Studios

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Hello, lovers.  Because this is a starlet-inspired bridal shower and the carpet is less red and more hot pink, I seriously considered naming this feature “Walking the *Pink* Carpet: Bridal Shower Inspiration for the Stars In All of Us.”  I am NOT KIDDING you.  ’Course, almost as quickly as the idea came to me, I realized it was waaaaay way way way waaaaaaay too suggestive a title.  I mean, even for someone like *me*.  So, there you go.  That’s how that went.  Right… right, ok, moving right along.

Today’s bridal shower is the result of one seriously stellar event maker named Jessica Masi of JCG Events, LLC, and one seriously killer photographer named Candice of Serendipity Studios.  You guys.  YOUZ. GUYZ.  I am in love with everything about this party, from the feather boas to the gigantic gold bulbed heart shape cut-out thingie, to the tablecloths, to the glitter stars, to the florals, to the pink and grey color scheme, to the massive amount of fun these ladies were sure to have had on this fine day.  There’s something so special about a bunch of close friends getting together and partying like stars to celebrate one lovely gal’s future nuptials.

Ok, here, friends, is the rundown from Jessica on what went into the planning of her sister’s bridal shower!

When planning my sister’s bridal shower I wanted to make sure I created an event that was unique to her. My sister, Elsie is an actor and has been acting since I can remember. Highly dramatic! ; ) That is how her “wedding-movie” bridal shower concept came about.

The tone of every great event starts with invitations. The invitations were from Minted and they fit the theme perfectly with the Broadway marquee letters.

There are so many wedding movies out there so I quickly got on Amazon.com to purchase movie posters to decorate her bridal shower and got some inexpensive frames from Michael’s to hang around the room.

I created different stations throughout the room to ensure it kept everyone mingling and having a good time. At the entrance we rolled out a Pink-carpet that led to the step and repeat where you were able to take your photo. We hung some boas from it to add some color to the photos and had a Polaroid camera set-up so that after taking your photo you were able to sign Elsie’s, guest book and give her some advice about marriage and well wishes. One of the props for the photo-op area that I created was a heart-shaped marquee and got the idea from Hostess with the Mostess blog.

Another station was a popcorn bar station where we had mini popcorn boxes and you can add your favorite seasoning to it.

The food and sweet station was by far my favorite part. All of the delicious food was by Gabriela Xacur of Gourmet Sweets. The cake included a cut out of Elsie on a pink carpet lined with paparazzi and alongside mini cheesecakes were displayed with a pink chocolate “E” on top of every one. The drink station included a choice of pink lemonade or sangria and every glass had its own drink tag.

We kicked off the party with the perfect “ice breaker”. I placed a sticker behind everyone without them looking of a famous actress. Then guests had to ask questions to one another to try to guess which actress they were. Every starlet deserves some pampering so as favors we gave out Bath Confetti.

LOVE. it. Jessica.

So, friendlies, as I prepare to slowly kill myself recap tonight’s episode of The Bachelor… tell me:

Did you have/will you be having a bridal party?  Or are you planning/did you plan one for a dear friend?  What do you think of bridal showers in general?  And, do ya like pink? ;)  Looking forward to hearing your thoughts, whatever they may be.

xoxo!  - Alison

JCG Events, LLC and Serendipity Studios are members of Vendor Love, The Knotty Bride’s preferred vendor guide.  Click here to explore.

Planning and Design: Jessica Masi of JCG Events, LLC / Photography: Candice Cossel of Serendipity Studios / Food and Dessert Station: Gabriela Xacur of Gourmet Sweets / Invitations: Minted

DEAR TKB: His parents are VERY wealthy 
and are expecting a grand wedding for their only child… but they want my family to foot the bill. | Also… Bambino Returns.

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Hello to your faces on this formerly sunshiny (where I live) Tuesday afternoon/eveningish.  In today’s random news, my Dad sent me a picture text asking me to choose one of three puppy vests for Bambino WITH THE QUICKNESS.  So it’s official now, Bambino is going to experience winter as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.  If you were ever wondering if I make this stuff up…

^ My Dad is kind of a really supportive person.

I don’t think I put enough effort into keeping Bambino stylish.  He probably doesn’t want to spend winter impersonating Michelangelo.  (Let’s be honest, Bambino could be no other turtle than the dumb orange one.  You know you agree with me.  THIS IS NOT CHILD ABUSE IT’S TRUTH.)  Anyway, I probably should put more effort into choosing his outfits and keeping him *with the puppy times* but I just– I guess I don’t care, enough?  Also, I don’t really have time to search out the latest and greatest trends for puppies what am I even talking about.

Hmm.  He’s gonna have a rough go at school, isn’t he.  This is where it starts – with the clothing.  If I remember correctly this is where the class lines were drawn in middle school.  You see I remember that because my parents were smart enough not to let me put too much emphasis on what I wore; they felt it was about developing “the content of your character.”  But when it came to the ins and outs of high school social politics, it was as if MLK Jr. had never even existed.  If you had asked me back then how I felt about it I would have instant-cried and schooled you on how Abercrombie & Fitch tops are the gateway to happiness through my tears, and how my knock-off-nike black kicks from Sears – called “Winners” – were going to bring me unending ridicule the likes of which I had never before seen in all my years of being a sensitive child.  Ok I feel I should go back and address that brand name so you fully get its impact and, therefore, never decide to buy your child a pair of shoes that hand mean girls their material on a silver platter.  I. kid. you. not.  The shoes my folks bought me were called “Winners” and so, as one can only expect of Hitler youth, I was called “A Winner” for half of my 6th grade year in French class.  Beat that, girls who had trouble in high school.

Ok I know I know.  WTF where’s the recap, b!tch.  I know, I get it.  And it’s coming.  Gimme a break will ya.  It’s like writing a term paper on Chernobyl every week.  There’s just so much to cover.  I’ve had to schedule my life around these recaps.  Isn’t that insane?  THAT’S INSANE, ALISON.  Now that I’ve said it out loud, it’s more real to me– the fact that it IS, truly, insane.  Wow, why am I doing this to myself?!!  Ahhhhhh yes, right, I remember now.  For no reason.

Before your Bachelor recap hits the stage, I ask you to think back, to the last time we featured a Reader Question, and I was like: so many of these questions I get feel like there’s a real sense of urgency involved and so I want to answer them as quickly as motherf**king possible before something bad happens to-or-as-a-result-of-actions-taken-by the reader who asked.  Well.  Here’s another one of those types of questions from a reader.  But I would like to put it out there that my preference would have been to meet with this young woman in person over strong liquor drinks and give her the Hug Of The Century while we talked this thing out over as much bread and butter as she’d like, and maybe an appetizer if it’s not too expensive.  I’m not made of money.

Dear Knotty Bride,

I have been following you for some time now. I have been engaged for 6 
months now, and have started to make wedding decisions. Now, I know 
it’s tradition for the Bride’s family to pay for the wedding, but I 
have a gripe with my future in laws. I have ONE parent, who makes very 
little money. He pays for what he can, but on a teachers pay there
 isn’t a ton extra to go around, especially after paying the medical 
bills for my mother. My mother passed away from cancer about 14 months
 ago and there were a lot of bills that pilled up from the long 3 years
 of treatment.

My fiancé has 4 parents. His mother and step father are VERY wealthy 
and are expecting to have a grand wedding for their only child. They 
just bought a multi-million dollar house, never have money concerns
 and will NOT put forth any money to our wedding. Me and my fiancé
 purchased a house 3 years ago, and don’t have a lot of money to spare.

To get to the point, my father has offered us $3,000 dollars, and we
 have another $3,000 we can spend. We know it’s not a lot of money and
 have cut back on everything. We found a private home that will allow
 us to have the party on premises, have decided to have the wedding and
 reception in the same location and have home made food and decorations 
to accommodate our budget. My MIL will not have this. She complained 
and griped and is refusing to help set up or cook.

We asked her if she would like to also pitch in for the wedding and
she complained that it is something that the brides family does. Every
time I talk to her about the situation, I cry because seriously, this
 whole 4-1 ratio of parents just isn’t fair. I really want to have a 
nice wedding that everyone is happy with but have put off wedding 
planning so that everyone can be happy.

How would you go about talking to a wealthy MIL about the struggles
 with money and how it would be appropriate to have her also pitch in 
for the wedding if she wants it a certain way??

Please help!

S.

Dear Miss S,

After reading your letter, the one thing that affects me most is that you lost your mother to cancer only fourteen months ago.  As a young daughter myself, I know how sad, no devastated, I would be if I lost my mother.  On top of that, you had to watch her losing the battle with that dreaded disease.  I am sure that as The Knotty Bride followers read this, they will be similarly struck by your experience and your loss.

Therefore, the question is: Why would your future MIL be acting in what appears to be an insensitive manner, especially when, by being generous at this time, she could easily create a lasting bond with you, her future DIL?  I’ll try to answer that and offer suggestions to remedy your problem after I present a few current truths about wedding ‘traditions.’

If you enter: “ Who pays for the wedding?” on your search engine, you will see that your future MIL is referring to a very outdated, and no longer a traditional, manner of paying for weddings. Below is just one of many:

Wedding Etiquette – New Rules – Peggy Post – Good Housekeeping

Old: The bride’s family pays for the wedding.
New: The bride’s family may pay; the couple themselves may pay; or the groom’s family, the bride’s family, and the couple may share the expenses.
Peggy says: Today, just 27 percent of weddings are paid for solely by the bride’s parents. With costs through the roof, it’s not unusual for families to pool resources. It’s important for the couple and their families to discuss the budget early, so the bride and groom don’t overspend.

The above, and the many others you will find to refute your future MIL’s claim, should be discussed with her, by her son alone, without you being there.  He should ask:

Is she for the marriage?

Does she think you’re good enough for him?

If the answer to either of those two questions is “no,” then the cost of the wedding is the least of your problems.  I hope this is not the case, but her attitude puzzles me.

If the answer to the two questions is hopefully yes, and he has shown, or conveyed to her, the results of your Internet search, he should ask the following:

Since she is able to afford helping you, and a wedding of the type she wants is only possible if she helps, why doesn’t she want to help?

She may want his biological father to offer first. Or maybe his family didn’t offer when she married him.
She may remember her family had to struggle with her wedding expenses, so why shouldn’t yours too.
She may feel that she is being taken advantage of because she is rich.
She may not know or believe the financial state of the both of you and your father.

After all of this is revealed, discussed and hopefully resolved by her and her son, I hope you will then be able to create a wedding that everyone enjoys.  If the problem persists, then plan the wedding that comfortably fits within your budget and will make you both as happy as a bride and groom should be.  Remember that your happiness should be the wish of everyone who you invite to your very special wedding day.  Don’t focus on anyone, even for an instant, who doesn’t share that very same wish.

You have our best wishes, dear.  ’Cause that s**t is effed the eff up.  I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, I really am.

Ok, I’m turning it over to you guys now… any thoughts/suggestions/reactions to Miss S’ mother-in-law plight?  I think she could really use all of our input.  As always, I’m just one person with one opinion.  So if you disagree, it’s all good; I think all opinions matter here.

xoxo!  - Alison

P.S. – Here’s one second in the life of Bambino McPuppyPants, since I owe you that much, at least…

ShodaLove is a member of Vendor Love.  Explore more of his work here, in our guide.

BACHELOR RECAP | EP 4: KILL ME NOW. The Episode That Confirms Ashley Made the Right Decision Last Season.

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I hated this episode.  I hated it sooo much.  So, so much.  There were so many markedly more enjoyable things I could have been doing with my time, such as but not limited to: cuddzing with Honey; cuddzing with Bambino; cuddzing with Bambino and Honey and therefore HAVING A BALL; douching; talking to my uncle on the phone about his conquests early on in life; loitering in a dark alley without clothes; watching “Beaches;” touching myself (that one belongs at the front of the pack, methinks); and going to bed early.  But I didn’t do any of those things.  I watched this stupid show.  And I regret it wholeheartedly.

Anyway, where were we.

Last week, we learned that Ashley made the right decision.  We also learned that Ben is probably regretting not having tried harder to transform into JP, before Ashley made her decision.

UPDATES: Father mentioned within opening sequence?  Yes.  Hair?  Same.  Face?  Same.  Girls?  Dammit, SAME.  Aright here we go.  Fourth verse same as the worst.

We’re taken on a heli trip, as per usual, and Ben is a capable narrator.  Describing the countryside beneath him, he states the A thru F answers to one of those multiple choice questions that has a final option of “All of The Above,” and then he shares this gem…

“After Ashley turned down my proposal last season, I never thought that I’d form so many different relationships so quickly.  And I have a good feeling about them.”  Ben just *gets* life.  I can see his deceased father smiling down on him and his multiple rebound relationships.  I bet this is what his father dreamed for him.  Whoring himself out on national television.  I know I’D be proud.

Having momentarily been replaced by the soul of Brad Womack (what soul?), Ben says he looks to create memories in the outdoors with the women, because the ultimate test of a girl’s relationship-worthiness is her outdoorsiness.  THIS IS WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.  So true.

Chrisharrison repels in from the open roof since I’m convinced this whole thing is staged now and let’s the girls know THE SAME F**KING THING HE TELLS THEM EVERY TIME.  He identifies how many of them are left (13), and the importance of going for it and not wasting time with Ben and remembering to hydrate, etc.  The girls nod.  Chris says “bleh bleh bleh you know what that means by now.”  Then, just going on a hunch that they probably don’t, he goes on to say “that means that…”

Chrisharrison gets this show and the calibre of girls he’s dealing with.  I really like that about Chrisharrison.

He then explains to them: “if and when you get time with Ben, USE IT WISELY.  DON’T SIT AROUND AND TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER, it could be the only time you have with him, until the next rose ceremony.”

BEHBEH takes this moment to assert that she and Ben have a great connection and that she still likes him, and that he’s really great.  ”I’m ready for one-on-one time with him again.  I wanna spend time with him, in Park City, where it’s beautiful.”  This is a new direction for BEHBEH; one we haven’t seen before; at least not in recent tapings of the show, previously aired.  This *liking* of Ben, she’s expressing is startling to me, and it takes me a few moments to fully accept what she’s telling us.

Lindzie grabs the DATE CARD

The buildup of BEHBEH wanting the date card of course means that it’s for Rachel.  And Rachel, having smoked three packs of cigarettes immediately before the announcement, says, “yaay” and all of a sudden a massive cloud of cigarette smoke escapes her lungs.  She is experiencing the deepest and opposite-of-sultriest voice I have heard up ’til now on Rachel.  Which struck me as odd, since Honey likes it when I start to lose my voice because he says it sounds sexy.  I’m pretty sure it’s because it affords me less opportunities to fill time and space with my words.  Six of one, half a dozen of the other.  But on Rachel the voice just sounds sick.  It’s a sick, bad voice.  On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m vomiting just hearing it.

Rachel packs a full suitcase but chooses to wear her “wife beater” tank, because she just really wants to spell it out that she is *game for anything* including wife beating.  (Rachel has trouble communicating so uses clothing to express herself at times.)  Rachel tells us that her last relationship failed because of her “communication issues.”  I predict this date goes HORRIBLY really, really well and the conversation flows like wine from Ben’s winery: boringly and with long pauses in between pours.

Reacting to Rachel getting the date card, BEHBEH says “And I no joke, sat there, and I wanted to throwww. up.”  Some of these jokes just feel too easy so I’mma just keep going…

MORE FROM THE MOUTHS OF BEHBEHS:

“I’ve always said that when I find love, it’ll be instantaneous.”  Here, we discover that BEHBEH doesn’t understand what “love” is, or the fact that you cannot predict how it will feel when it happens.

“I don’t want to see him in a helicopter with another girl, I don’t.” – things said only on the bachelor

ONE ON ONE DATE – BEN + RACHEL ‘REDUCED CAPACITY LUNG STRENGTH’ MCGEE

^ this screen grab does not even BEGIN to do justice to the pronounced state of those diamond cutters Rachel is smuggling ‘neath her message-bearing white tank.  I couldn’t take my eyes off of them.  Just IMAGINE if Monica had been around.  See?  Opportunities MISSED, producers.

(On the lake) Ben, creepier than whence we left him, muses with Rachel on the greatness of the lake and he does NOT flirtatiously wink at Rachel.  He does NOT.  He made that very clear, because he’s really good at letting things slide.

Searching, Ben comments on the weather in a questioning tone.

Chrisharrisonface gave us strict guidelines about what to talk about and what not to talk about.  WEATHER’S AT THE TOP OF THE DON’T-TALK-ABOUT-IT LIST.  Don’t you remember?

I’m pretty sure she does, because she kind of DOESN’T ANSWER HIM, beyond “it is” and then throws back some champy and changes the subject.  We get the feeling that this girl was the kind of student who meticulously takes down everything the teacher says verbatim and highlights entire swathes of text, uselessly.  I wonder what she’s like on the phone?  We’d probably be fast friends, because I enjoy talking 95% of the time, without interruption.

Later in the evening, Ben takes Rachel out to the forest to murder her.  Wait, sorry, that’s a– ok yeah that’s a fire.  Ok so I was right; they’re on the way to her death-by-fire in the forest.

BEN: “I don’t know what’s holding her back.”  Cameras, maybe?  Or the crew?  The fact that you mentioned a beaver damn and she’s just been spending the last 10 minutes trying not to laugh at you?  So many possibilities.

Sitting down to dinner inside the Raiders of the Lost Arc amusement park ride at Disneyworld, Rachel continues to bring The Boring to this date.  But noticing absolute silence is not as effective a tactic as she’d previously believed, she changes it up a bit.

Ok, now.  Gather round, because something really special happens here.  See, what happens is that Rachel actually has trouble communicating… the fact that she has trouble communicating.  She fails to express even the fact that she often fails to express things.  This is like the aurora borealis of horrible date situations.  They don’t happen with much frequency, but when they do, the very sight of them will cause your jaw to drop, in utter and sustained awe for the duration.  It’s a really special moment and I think we should cherish it.

Here it is again, below; let’s just bask in the glory of its luminescence:

RACHEL: “as much as, you know, it’s a first date, I don’t wanna ohh say, oh, you know ohhuhh, thisss arre my flaa-aawws.  But lemme just go ahead and do that… 

“I do wanna let you know that, for me, in past relationships, it’s something that, I’m really, I’m not good at.  You know.  And, it is, something that I’ve struggled with, in past relationships, you know, and especially my most recent one.”

BEN: “WHAT”

RACHEL: “oh, communication and like, opening up to people.”

What Ben should have said: “Oh, so you’re like me.”

What Ben said: nothing reassuring.  He also literally said nothing, because he’s terrible at communication.  LOL.  They picked a good one this year.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

So, I thought it would be fun to do an advertisement rundown of just what ABC thinks is a good fit for its target Bachelor audience.  Here are the commercials from this commercial break:

  1. “Single Bridezillas;” a new show about ladies who plan their weddings without having fiances.
  2. Ghirardelli chocolate.
  3. Afterschool Special starring John Corbett from Sex And the City, one of the most unsuspected sex symbols of our time.

^ Those sound about right.  Ok, back to the recap…

BACK TO THE HEN HOUSE FOR THE GROUP DATE CARD WHICH IS ALWAYS A MOOD BRIGHTENER

The date card is read by new-to-the-scene-”disgust-grunter” Emily who, when reading aloud the date card, ends on Courtney and says her name with utter and unmissable hatred.

Jamie, Casey S, Blakely, Samantha, Nicki, Kasie B, Courtney are on the group date.  I think I got all of them.  I’m not absolutely sure I did, but I REFUSE TO REWIND AND CHECK AT THIS POINT IN THE SHOW AS I WOULD RATHER GOUGE OUT MY EYEBALLS WITH A SOUP SPOON.

Courtney says “my fiiirst grooouuup daaate” in a celebratory tone.   But I’m not completely convinced.

BACK TO ONE-ON-ONE DATE – RACHEL AND BEN

I keep wondering if he’ll ask Rachel “so… what’s wrong with you, and why are you alone” as this has been his thing.  But the question never com–oh wait there it is.  Sorry, it happened just now, as I was saying that.

BEN, on his relationship with Rachel: “I think it’s going to be a slow burn,” he says, working the cliches at an all time high as they eat s’mores by the fire.  Hey Ben?  STFU.

ENGAGE GROUP DATE – “GET COUNTRY”

Ben does this:

And if that entrance doesn’t get them wet, he then tells the girls that they’ll be going go-cart racing and I about CUM along with Blakely and Lindzi who cum for different reasons but hey at least we’re all cummin’, amirite?  You guys, I LOVE go-cart racing!!!  It’s something my family did as a thing every time we went on an extended car trip somewhere.  But I don’t get the joke as quickly as the girls do, because apparently that is a preposterous idea and there’s obviously something else in store that makes a whole lot more sense.  Stupid, mean joke, Ben.  Ok, so, what do you have up your sleeve that’s better than go-cart racing?  Honestly, I can’t wait to see it!!!  I’m SO EXCIT–

BEHBEH: “He makes me feel… like me.  And that’s something I haven’t felt in a long time.”

Ohhh Kacie B.  Ohh, baby.

Listen, c’mere… can you c’mere for a sec?  Cuz we need to talk.  Here, you want me to peel a clementine for you?  Sure, sweetie, anything for my BEHBEH.  Just, I need to share with you some insights about life.  It’s really important to me, that we do this at some point before you have children.

Back to the bevy-en-masse, and the girls are totally fly fishing, they’re totally doing it, and Courtney catches a fish and I am SHOCKED.  Did you expect HER to be the first/only one?  That was one of the most interesting moments of the show, because the bar is not high.

BEN: “I love spending time with Courtney; I don’t know what it is.  She just kind of gets it.”… “Watching her fly fish and this girl must have done this before.”  Which is all fine, but he ALSO manages to utter a phrase that includes the words “yeah, sister!” in the most unattractive and physically revolting way possible.  At this moment I covered my eyes with the scissor hands technique I employ for horror films, because the doofiness of this man is bone-chilling and I’d like to avoid reliving it in nightmares.  This should have been grounds enough to disqualify him from continuing to be The Bachelor.  But, we press on…

COMMERCIAL BREAK – here, again, a commercial rundown:

  1. using a special new phone to flirtatiously dictate a pickup line to a guy you want to go out with who is standing right in front of you
  2. aging remedy syrum
  3. Wendy’s cheeseburgers
  4. car crash insurance
  5. can’t find your car in a parking lot
  6. Raymour & Flanigan makes your home the place where everyone wants to be.” hahahaha.  these network execs really seem to have a firm grasp on their audience.  The whole commercial break should just be one running ticker across the screen that says, “DON’T KILL YOURSELF YET; BUY THESE THINGS FIRST, ‘N SEE IF THEY HELP.  IF NOT, SORRY ABOUT HOW YOU KILLED YOURSELF.”

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL

We are soon taken to the bevy over at the Waldorf Astoria Park City which is totally awesome but naturally they don’t appreciate it and generally begin to complain.

BEN: “The group of women that I selected for today’s date was perfect.”  He says with all the unsubstantiated confidence in the world.  Ben pulls aside Casey S, and says, ”Casey S, she seems very adventurous, free spirited.  I like her independence, and her smile.  And her demeanor, is aDORAble.”

Let’s hope that those wonderful things Casey is known for don’t all come crashing down in some later scene in the show.

0:43 – BEN tells Casey S that he’s been in love four times.  WAWAWEEWA you guys.  That’s A LOT of times oh wait, he just said it’s not a lot of times.  Ok this… this is all starting to make a lot of sense, now.  This “Bachelor Season.”

Nicki, who is nothing if not insanely attractive today, interrupts Casey S, the ONE GIRL (well, at THIS point in the show) who doesn’t deserve to be interrupted.  In her interview, Nicki tells us that “it is terrifying how much I am feeling for Ben right now.”

It sure is.

Nicki tells Ben that she’s so. thankful. for him taking her on these group-bitch-runs, and then she goes on to say something about “the way I live life to the fullest” and that’s where I immediate-hate her because I can’t stand it when people say that.  I feel that the people who say that only say it, and don’t live it.  It’s annoying.  And then she tells Ben about her boss who died and I immediate-feel-bad about what I said about hating her.  She doesn’t deserve that.  It’s just the cliches, they’re piling up and getting to me.  Ohh, but then Ben sees her dead boss and RAISES HER the loss of a friend two days before coming to do this show, and throws in some crying on the street.  After I black out over the abysmalness of that conversation I wake up just in time to go WHUUUUUUUUUUUT?  

YOU GUYZZZZZ.  Everything, IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW ok wait they just kissed.  WTF?  This was a kiss moment?  What.  is up. with this guy.

Not surprisingly, Nicki feels their death talk was successful, saying she “feel[s] really good about it.”  In the same breath, she says, ”I feel like we connected on a whole new level.  Until Samantha ruined it.”  That’s the annoying nature of fleeting, meaningless connections.  They have this crazy way of not being connections.

In this next scene, Samantha totally f**ks up by questioning Ben and kinda sorta talking about her feelings.  She should know by now that this is a NO-NO with Ben.  No feelings talk or questioning of The Game Keeper.  That’s reserved for him and him alone.  By the way, whenever a bachelor says, “to be honest, I wonder if you’re even here for me” – the bachelor’s version of “the wrong reasons” – it always makes me laugh because of course these women are here for you.  People say they come on these shows to further careers and such and the like and whatnot, but the bottom line is, they applied to be on a tv show where they hope to find love.  They’re f**king crazy in love with you, dude.

Anyone surprised like I was at Ben’s diva rant at Samantha?  Copping the ultimate dude attitude, Ben says, “what I wanna see is if you can kind of handle yourself in a group setting, because, to be honest with you, group dates that you’ve been on you’ve been… kind of… highly *eMOTIONal, … sooo, *that’s* why you continue to be on GROUP dates.  ….. he goes on to say, “and based on your track record… I’m thinking that we should probably end this.”

So, here, we see what Ben really means by his statement to Ashley last season when he said, “things have to end badly, or they won’t end at all.”  Ben is unusually committed to enforcing this personal rule, which seems to be all about pinning everything wrong with your relationship WITH a girl, ON that girl.  Which means I FINALLY GET where these random girls I’ve met in life are getting their “my failure to keep a relationship is all my fault” crosses they bear.  It’s guys like you, who need to drop napalm on a girl during a break-up instead of normal guy behavior, which is of course to avoid making a girl cry, at all costs.

DIVA BEN: “I couldn’t believe what Samantha was saying.  Some of these women haven’t even been on dates this week.”  At this point I’m thinking Ben should star in one of those Snickers commercials where a dude turns into Aretha Franklin when he hasn’t had his sugar fix yet.  I feel the role, at this point, would have been successfully executed with either choice.  Because, seriously?  Ben, seriously?  WTF, dude.  You are becoming the diva to end all divas.  I’m starting to feel like you and the pageant girl would have been PERFECT together, based on this.  Oh wait, I just realized why you sent her home – THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

Samantha let’s the girls know that she’s going home, and Nicki says “you’re a great person… ok?”  to Samantha.  Ok, I mean she does need consoling but there’s really no need for outright lies.

COMMERCIAL / BACK FROM COMMERCIAL

ONE-ON-ONE DATE CARD TIEMPO

The card goes to Ginger Jennifer, and it’s ”Let’s pick our love song.”  And I have nothing interesting to say about it.  - things Rachel would say

Currently the ladies are still on that super fun group date they’re all havin’, and Kacie B and Ben get some time alone.  Dressed in a sweater she borrowed from the horses stable meant for keeping the horses warm at night, Kacie B and Ben walk down the hallways to surprising tight hotel room, for the Waldorf.  Ben tells her he wanted to kiss her when they were out today, but the girls were “glaring.”  I AM BOTH SHOCKED BY HIS FEELINGS FOR HER, AND I LOVE THEM TOGETHER.  This is the kind of girl he should be with.  It’s sort of a lover/daddy relationship though, so I don’t love THAT aspect, but hey, sometimes a girl needs a father figure to go along with the penis.  Don’t judge; we need what we need.

BEN: “I’m in trouble with Kacie B.  My relationship with Kacie B is growing faster, than, than most.  Uggh.  I like this girl.  Her smile and her demeanor.  Her attitude towards everything.”… “I don’t know man, I mean I might end up with her.  … she’s wonderful.”

OK.  REAL TALK.  In the elevator scene, when Ben and LIDDLE BEHBEH kiss, I’m gonna be honest… it turns me on.  They have some real sexual chemistry.  Which means I’m kind of frustrated with my choice of nicknames for the girl.  Because it makes me feel kinda like a pedophile.  I can’t write “LIDDLE BEHBEH kisses turn me on.”  That’s just not going to fly.

Next, Kacie B. and Ben walk back to the courtyard where Courtney is and so BEN TURNS INTO ALL-ABOUT-COURTNEY-BEN.  BEHBEH?  Not pleased.

Naked, and wrapped in what has to be a somewhat smelly, rolled-out layer of poop… no wait, sorry, those are just brown towels– Ben and Courtney immediately make out and then no joke I totally not on purpose pause on her face looking like this

She is the gift that keeps on giving, in recap land.

We pan back to the bevy, and Nicki and LIDDLES are looking insurmountably attractive by this point, and should have no fear about competition, going forward.

jk.

Ok.  I can’t not say it– it’s becoming abundantly clear the girls have given up on hygiene and styling much earlier this year than in previous seasons.  LIDDLE BEHBEH seems to be actively thwarting herself, her own self, from looking bangable.  This pains me.  Especially when I know that a curling iron could do so much right now, for her chances.

An aside - and this one’s on the house – ladies, it doesn’t really matter where in the relationship you think you are with a man; if there is also one or more women who are also trying to date your man whilst you date him, you cannot – I repeat, you cannot – pump the breaks on the beauty routine.  I’m not saying getting fancy is a hard and fast rule in all scenarios, what I’m saying is if you started off with voluminous beach waves and dewey, clear skin, it would be a mistake to, all of sudden, up and run with what you look like upon your return from Outward Bound.  You just can’t switch it up like that.  … Behbeh.  And Nicki.

We see that Courtney’s theatrics earlier in the date, combined with the five minutes extra she invested in her beauty routine compared to the other girls, wins her the rose.  Ben apparently was going to give it to BEHBEH MCLIDDLES.  This is definitely winning, Courtney.  By the way how ’bout you stop saying “winning” here on out, cool?  No?  Ok.

COMMERCIAL / BACK FROM COMMERCIAL

ONE ON ONE DATE : BEN + JENNIFER, CONT’D – SIMPLE CRATER SPELUNKING INTO INESCAPABLE CAVE OF DARK WATER

Jennifer’s packing, and has chosen an outfit that hides a lovely little bikini beneath it, just in case.

Let’s git hot in da hot tub!  Gettin’ hot in da hot tub!!!  I’m chanting it at this point.  I need some hot tub action, producers.  This episode has been painfully deficient in this category and I’m drying up at an alarming rate.

Next thing we know, they’re approaching a barron patch of land, an area where, presumably, if one were seeking out an ideal location to dispose of a body, this would be one of the locations that person would consider.  Jennifer says, “I see a rusty cage, over a hole.”  I toy around with the idea of pulling one of approximately 1000 possible jokes born of the words *rusty* and *hole*, but then realize that some jokes are simply too easy, and therefore should be left alone, unuttered.

For this date, Ginger Jennifer and I were totally expecting something much more romantic.  You know, because, as it happens, typically men do romantic things with women in the beginning.  NOT SO, ON THE BACHELOR.  Still, we held out hope that it’d be something sweet, maybe a picnic, or some kind of hot tub activit–

No Trespassing sign? ^ Nice touch, location scouters.

For this date, Jennifer is wearing:

  1. a yellow string bikini.
  2. a harness.

Now, if you read last week’s recap, you know that this would have been MY deepest-fear-generated-one-on-one-date with Ben.  It’s as if they designed it just for me.  With the boat date earlier in the show, and now this, with the jumping into dark water with no way out.  I feel like my one-on-one has been stolen from me, and I can’t do anything about it.

COMMERCIAL / AAAAAND WE’RE BACK

JENNIFER: “Nothing can ruin this perfect date with Ben.”  Then the skies go from nice to stormy.  I took middle school drama; I remember what this means.  This is definitely one of those foreshadowing things, so I’m pretty sure this date is going to go south in the romance department.

BEN: “Things are going well with Jen.  She’s a good kisser, she seems like she comes from a good family, she’s outdoorsy.”  All great indicators of a great connection.  I like it, this is quality Ben.

Ok so that foreshadowing back there was literally for a storm.  It’s literally raining.  I didn’t see that coming, actually.  I have to stop reading into/thinking intelligently about these editing tactics.

NEXT SCENE – Back at home with the bevy, Courtney acts a fool, saying that Jennifer is either normal, or horrible.  Big difference, but not in the way the words are spoken because I rewound it upwards of three times.  Indecipherable.  She goes on to fart out:

“Like, I get along REALLY WELL with guys, like, I’ve always had boyfriends.  Sooo… that’s more natural to me than being in a house full of women.”  Don’t you LOVE girls like this?

The girls react with facial expressions I would expect, and some girls including Emily talk in the bathroom about how no one’s told Ben how horrible Courtney is…. fed up, Emily commits herself to this task.  But not until Blakely’s done touching up her roots, because you gotta bring your A-Game when you’re up to bat.  I’m talking to YOU, LIDDLE BEHBEH.

Now, if history serves us well, this will be the smartest move Emily could mak– wait, that’s wrong.  That’s totally wrong, I’m sorry; that is actually not what history tells us.  Ok Emily is going to screw herself.

We return to 1 on 1 with Ben and Jennifer, already in progress.

Ben gives Jen a rose, after he tells her he didn’t totally expect that he’d want to give her a rose.  NICE.  Girls love hearing that you’re on the fence about them, and that they were a clutch decision.  He also says he sees this working because she goes with the flow.  Ahhhhhhh, Ben.  You, sir, are a catch among catches!

NEXT SCENE – BEN + JENNIFER RUN DOWN HILL TO CONCERT THEY THINK IS THEIR OWN

JENNIFER: “[some country star] is having a concert for me and Ben.”  Hahahahaha.  It’s not just for you guys.  “It makes me feel really special that Ben would put this together for me.”  BEN DIDN’T PUT THIS DATE TOGETHER FOR YOU.

Tell me, Jennifer, what about part one of your date?  Did THAT make you feel really special?

I’m confused about these girls, season after season.  They always think something was put together by Ben.  It’s the producers, that put these things together, for Ben.  And you get to go, totally arbitrarily and/or based on the fears you stupidly shared with the casting crew.  You know those shows, where everybody involved in the show who isn’t part of the trick, you know how those shows can’t go on for too many seasons because at some point the whole world has seen the program so most people know what’s up so they can’t effectively trick anyone anymore for new shows?  These girls are the girls who they dig up for the those kinds of shows when those shows are in their 10th year of production, and you’re all like, HOWWWWWW did these idiots not know this was for “[insert name of reality trickster show]????”

In the end, Ben says he’s already looking forward to the next time he sees Jennifer.  She’s “one of those women who I can see myself with.”  Yippee!  I actually don’t care.

ROOM OF FEROCIOUS GIRLS TIME

EMILY, about Courtney: “Either he doesn’t know what he wants, or he doesn’t know her…. or, that IS what he wants, and we’re all fooling ourselves into thinking that he might want someone real and genuine and intelligent and normal.”

This is a key moment in the show for Emily because it’s the moment she states exactly what the truth is, but also doesn’t believe herself.

Emily: ” I think Ben will appreciate me telling him about Courtney.”

(This is when Honey chimed in, saying: “No he will not.  He won’t like that.”)

Emily goes and blabs about Courtney to Ben.  BEN IS NOT PLEASED.  Emily is visibly shaken, and is worried it didn’t make him love her more.

Emily: “I think it could have backfired.”

(Honey says: “Yeah it did.  You should have listened to me.”)

Emily really should have listened to Honey.  And the one hundred million other people screaming at their televisions that it was a bad idea.

Emily reminds me of the whirling rainbow pinwheel on my Apple computers in the way she is now spiraling out of control with regard to Courtney.  And Casey S reminds me of a politician because she flip-flops the shiite out of her behavior up until now, challenging Emily’s opinion of Courtney, and then carrying that information from Emily to Courtney like a trained courier pigeon, except with a slightly smaller brain.

I call this moment in the show, The Moment We Find Out That Casey S is a F**king Sh**ty Person, Instead of Adorable.

Casey S does the honorable thing and proceeds to start s**t between two girls in the bevy.  Summoning every evil female protagonist in every horror movie ever produced, Courtney reacts to the news of Emily’s little encounter with Ben:

Casey S realizes what she’s done.

Meanwhile, Nicki’s blacking out from sheer Ben love

Back inside and ready to decapitate a bitch and then scream down into her neck with unyielding fury, Courtney wants to get inside Emily’s head.  And all she needs is someone to start a meaningless conversation that she can warp into a living, breathing hate fire.  Thankfully, BEHBEH steps up to the plate with a doozie.

Courtney launches some unclear word jabs in and around Emily’s face.

BURN, Courtney.  You are the queen of zinging!  Your zings are like so many feathers, falling slowing to the ground, almost weightless, and with no strength or ability to do anything other than float, fecklessly about.

Still, Emily gets uncomfortable and does that forced laughter thing you do when someone calls you out.  Fortunately she has no one by her side to defend her.

Courtney also talked of shaving off Emily’s eyebrows and how Emily’s now on her shit list and dont f**k with me i’m nice, etc.  hahahahaha, girls kill me.  Hey at least she’s keeping it real, you guys.  Honestly I don’t know what to say about this because I’m actually really scared that she might actually pursue killing me, and not just with her words this time, should she happen upon my recaps.

COMMERCIAL / BACK!

Courtney generally goes BALLISTIC on Emily, in a kind of “I’m going to eat you from the inside until your skin starts to fall off because my effing with you will undoubtedly result in high blood pressure and an extreme emotional state, the two of which will, in tandem, work to burn up your organs and melt your skeletal structure.  And then your skin falls off, that’s how that happens.”  Emily cries to the cameras.  Courtney uses phrase “winning” again, negating any and all power she just had on us, and making us laugh at her again.

By the way–

Next thing we know, Chrisharrison announces that the Rose Ceremony will be commencing shortly.  THANKS, MAN!  Your role on this show is indispensable.

COMMERCIAL / BACK!   ROSE CEREMONY TIME BITCHEZ.

8 roses to hand out.  The three ladies who already have roses = Courtney, Jennifer and I’m pretty sure Rachel got one too because, hey, those are SOME TITS, amirite?

Ben starts handing out the remaining roses…

Lindzie – “absolutely.”  wittle huggy!

Jamie – “yes.  thank you.”  maternal hug n rub on the back.  that’s exactly how I’d be doing it.  Ben needs a mother figure.

Nikki – “course i will.”  cheek kiss!  huggies!  we don’t have a connection!

LIDDLE BEHBEH – :)

Elyse – ELYSE??

Second to last is Blakely.  And then…  wait for it… wait for it… here it comes… it’s coming….

EMILY?!!!!!!

Final Rose in hand, we can almost hear the thought bubbles inside the women’s heads:

And then Monica, one of my favorites but also all of sudden one of the saddest sads in the lot – and there are some real sad ones so that’s saying something – Monica proceeds to make me feel absolutely positively horible about the human condition and her lot in life.  “It sucks when he doesn’t feel the way you feel.  It’s the most painful feeling in this world.  I want a marriage, I want all that good stuff.  I just want it to last. I just, I want it to be right.  And I’m skeptical if that even exists anymore.”

F**K.   That is so sad.  I really like Monica so I almost feel like I would be a huge bitch if I even touched on this, so I’m leaving it alone.  I feel deeply bad for her, but I know she’ll bounce back because she’s a cool cat.  (No jokes here, seriously.)

SHOW ENDS.  WE RETURN TO BEVY + BEN

They clink glasses, and Courtney says, “I can go higher than anybody!”

Yes you can, Courtney.  Yes you can.

And then some decent show called Castle, I think, comes on and it’s starting to annoy me how much they’re trying to sound like Sex and the City with their show intros.  Come on.  You’re not fooling anybody.

That hurt.  Seriously this recap, I mean, I can’t believe I just spent the better part of more than two days putting this barrel of horse shit together.  I honestly don’t know if I can keep watching this season.  I’m really gonna need some encouragement.  I’m not even like, kidding, like, at all.

Aright, I would love to hear YOUR thoughts/reactions.  Please.  Throw ‘em at me.

xoxo  - Alison

GREY ‘N’ YELLOW, GREY ‘N’ YELLOW… WEDDING :) | By Antonia Christianson Events

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You– I mean y–you know I have to do this, right?  You know I have to do this…

“Yeah, uh huh, you know what it is
Grey and yellow, Grey and yellow
Grey and yellow, Grey and yellow
Yeah, uh huh, you know what it is
Grey and yellow, Grey and yellow
Grey and yellow, Grey and yellow”

Here’s what I can’t believe; I can’t believe I didn’t do that sooner in an earlier grey and yellow wedding!  That’s what I can’t believe.  You probably can’t believe that all of the above is actually something you just read on a wedding blog.  So here, let me explain.

I just spent daaaaays holed up nice and tight inside of my mindspace in order to crap out that Guinness Book of World Records-length Bachelor Ep 4 recap; seriously it’s something I spent an embarrassing-to-my-family amount of time doing.  So aside from the more common side effects, such as fatigue, mindlessness and regret, it, too, seems that an unusual and certainly potent sense of masochism has befallen me.  What does this mean?  It means I felt the need to delicately stuff this beautiful wedding into and around your faces on this lovely Friday evening and see whacha think.  I dunno… I just — for some reason I feel like speeding up the amount of time it takes between right now and the time when I’m going to need carpal tunnel surgery.  Why not right?  YOU WANNA SEE PRETTY STUFF – I’M HERE TO DO IT.  F**k my knuckles!  Is what I say.  And then you say: “it’s not about your knuckles with carpal tunnel.”  And then I reach down into your pants, grab the seam of your underwear and scream, “are you questioning me?” but in a very I’m-not-F-Wording-around-with-you, and I’m wearing my serious face as I do it.  And then you stop talking and you never, ever question me ever again.

Hahahahaha, that’s if I was Ben from The Bachelor, that’s how I’d do it.  But I’m not Ben, I’m Alison!  And Alison shakes faces.

Ok, UMMMMMM.

I don’t really know what just happened up there.  Can we just sort of– I’m going to request that we leave that back there, and that we all sign a blood pact never to bring it up again.  New beginnings.  I think I’ll also take this opportunity to promise you that I’m not smoking whatever Demi Moore was smoking when her helpers called the rudest 911 operators ever in the history of the world regarding her apparent highly unsuccessful attempt at getting high.  Really, I promise, cross my heart.  I was born this way.  As Lady Gaga sa–Actually, hey……………

wanna just get to the pictures?  Yeah let’s just get to the pictures.

Thank you, Antonia Christianson Events, for bringing to us such lovely inspiration to take us into the weekend!

Here’s the rundown from Antonia, the mad design skillz behind Antonia Christianson Events:

Rachel and Nick are a great example that a little hard work, a clear vision and a budget conscious mind makes for a fabulous wedding. Nick and Rachel are attorneys that reside in Florida but were raised in Ohio and Virginia respectively. Throughout the planning process this great couple worked hard to make sure that their event was memorable, family oriented and a definite great time. Rachel envisioned a classy outdoor southern bbq as her wedding reception theme; she wanted her wedding to encompass her home town a bit different than the grooms family was used to in Ohio. They picked the Mariners Museum in Newport News, Virginia as the backdrop to their reception and a relaxed crisp white, summer yellow and gray color scheme to bring her vibe to light.

The menu, entertainment and small details were the icing on the cake. They offered fried chicken, macaroni and cheese and other hometown favorites to their guests along for dinner. The pops of yellow linens, barber stripe straws and a lemonade stand were last minute additions that we feel truly brought this event together. There were details that screamed Rachel and Nick throughout the reception including law books as centerpieces, a band made up of childhood friends and plenty of barefoot dancing under the stars.

It isn’t every day that you see clients laughing as much as these two do, but it was an honor to watch their joy as they became husband and wife. It was a definite favorite for our team and look forward to watching as their family grows.

Love it, Antonia.  Oh, I did wanna say one more thing….

Wheeeeeeee!  :)

Pretty, yes?  Ok SO, tell me, are you a fan of yellow and grey?  What’s YOUR top color scheme/what are you planning to run with for your wedding, if you’re planning?

Also, what do you think of that lovely table decor?  I adore cute and simple. :)

xoxo!  - Alison

Planning: Antonia Christianson Events / Floral Design: Isha Foss / Photography: Womble Photography / Band: Brother Lucy / Cinematography: Jeremy Mitchell Cinema / Cake: Creations from the Heart / Reception Venue: Mariners Museum / Catering: Cuisine and Company


MASON JAR LOBSTER WEDDING? | Monique Lhuillier Dress, Whoopie Pies and Fun | The Wedding of Stationer Marit Hanson of Marit Hanson Weddings!

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Happy late Monday, friendsicles!  Ok, I gots to tell you… I’m so excited.  And I just can’t hide it.  I’m about to lose control and honestly, I kinda think I like it…

My girl Marit of Marit Hanson Weddings got MARRIED, y’all!  We’re what you call internet buddies which, naturally, means we are the definition of being cool.  Ha!  I met her on the interwebs around the time she became one of our beloved preferred vendors, and our friendship has blossomed into fullblown dorkship, something I cherish to this day.  Plus, she has a Boston Terrier, so we’ve already R&D’d what it would take to put out a Puppy Bjorn line.  The line is coming out in Never of 2000-and-never.  Get excited!  Let’s start carrying our puppehs in the FRONT, world!!!

Ok, here’s the rundown from that beautiful bride, Marit:

Our Wedding in a nutshell…

My family has been vacationing in Pemaquid, Maine since my mom was a kid , so there’s a lot of history and boat loads memories there (literally!). We gather on the coast to celebrate the 4th of July each year, but two summers ago we had something more to celebrate–our engagement! Dave proposed to me while we were kayaking in the harbor in front of my family’s vacation home. Maine is such a beautiful state, Dave and I always enjoy our time there, so we decided to throw a destination wedding to share our love Pemaquid (and of course one another..duh) with our closest friends and family. We wanted it to be a wedding everyone would remember, so we coined the event the “Wicked Good Wedding.” We had so much fun with it and managed to keep the entire event budgeted at $15k (for everything!). It doesn’t hurt that I browse weddings daily as the Creative Director of WeddingLovely, run my own stationery business, and have a knack for being crafty, so I was able to tackle most everything myself when it came to planning.
Favorite part of the day

My best memory of our wedding day was the end of the ceremony, when we were announced husband and wife. We were both smiling ear to ear—our excitement was almost unbearable. I can still hear our song (Johnny Cash and June Carter, “If I Were a Carpenter”) filling up the Harrington Meeting House as we walked down the aisle. I had a friend edit out the first verse of the song, if you know how it goes–the first line talks about June making Johnny’s baby. We want kids, but didn’t want to start our marriage out that way. But it’s a great upbeat-lovey tune.

Advice for other brides?

Start your wedding details as soon as you can, so that you don’t have to give any of them up for time in the end. I can’t stress that enough. We had a 14 month engagement, and I started crafting almost immediately. Dave and i are both designers, so we were full of creative ideas for our wedding and were able to execute all of them. We even had time to add in decorative flags for our whoopie pies last minute. Not only will you have a detail filled wedding if you start early, but you will also be so much more relaxed seeing it all come together. I know I was!

And now, here’s her stell– excuse me, I mean WICKED WEDDING!

So, tell me, whaddya think of this wedding?!  I adore Marit; she’s creative, hilarious, super professional, and wholly focused on having a good time.  And I think this clearly showed in the decor of her wedding day. :)

Do you dig the color scheme?  And would you DIE to eat lobster on YOUR wedding day?  Answer’s absofrikinLUTELY for me.  Absofrikinlutely NOT is what my I-can’t-stand-lobster older brother would say.  So I mean, I get that there are two sides to the whole lobster thing.

xoxo!  - Alison

Marit Hanson Weddings is a member of Vendor Love.  Explore more of her work here, in our guide.

Photography: Kimberly Potterf Photography / Flowers: Bouquet from Cottage Gardens / Reception Flowers: Bride’s Mother / Event Design: Marit Hanson Weddings / Event Planning: Marit Hanson Weddings / Ceremony Location: Harrington Meeting House / Reception Location: 1812 Farm / Invitations: Marit Hanson Weddings / Shoes: Kenneth Cole / Dress: Monique Lhuillier / Music: Swingshift Jazz / Catering: Stone Cove / Cake/Whoopie Pies: Sticky Fingers/King Ro Market / Hair/Make Up: Marissa Davis and Janna Conley (friends of bride) / Officiant: Raymond Taylor / Groom’s Suit: Moda Italia / Groomsman Suit: Macy’s / Bridesmaid’s Dress: JCrew

BACHELOR RECAP EPISODE 5: “He’s Just Not That Into Love.” | Have You Ever Asked Yourself… WWDGD?

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Someone needs to go and tell these women to start emoting on this show.  I feel like all I see are poker faces.

Let’s start this off with something fun.  I had a drinking game suggestion while live tweeting the show, which was to drink every time someone says something along the lines of “I could THROW. UP.”  I’d love to hear if you have any of your own.

By the way what does David Gray make off of these song uses?  Does anybody know?  Because whoever’s paying him should have to double it.  His songs have become mere laughable shadows of their formerly meaningful selves.

Okie dokie Smokey.  Hello and welcome to the proper beginning of this week’s recap of The Bachelor, Mambo Number Five.  It is approximately 9:15PM EST and I am christening this, The Day I Fully Started to Regret Doing These Bachelor Recaps in the First Place and Wish I Could Stop But at This Point It Has Become Bigger Than Myself and So I Have No Control and Just Need to Go With It and Learn to Comfort Myself with Ben’s Delicious Wines out of the Sonoma-Area.  Ahhh, yes… you can just *taste* the lack of emotion that goes into the making of this wine!  It is remarkable in its completele absence of dreams fulfilled and love requited!

CUE the first track an intern could find off of a Latin-themed Pandora radio station on his computer and we’re here, WE’RE IN… PUERTO RIIICOOO!!!  (I know you just said that as stereotypically as possible.)  Ben, now legally blind, and having had to borrow a pair of special sunnies from his Nana before the trip because they couldn’t get his prescription sunnies to him on time, tells us that this is where “it starts to get serious.”  You guys, it wasn’t serious back there, back in all of those previous episodes.  He was totally just effing around to get us riled up.  I’m relieved to hear this news, because it explains all of his behavior up to this point, and feeling charitable, I wipe his slate clean.  IT’S GAME TIME, and Ben is here to play.

This is also the first time that Ben decides, for once, to describe how beautiful this land is, and how he’s excited, and that things are gorgeous, and that the grass is nice here, and also, too, the weather… it’s pretty nice.

Ben’s hair does NOT agree.  This face…

… says to us, “no one is going to feel left out.”  You guys, I’ve been waiting, season after season of The Bachelor, for someone to choose “all of them” and with this episode it’s looking like dreams… they really DO come true sometimes.

“… it seems like an aMAZing place to fall in love,” Emily tells us, goaded on by the interviewer to talk about whether or not major sponsor of the show, Puerto Rico, is a great place to fall in love.  You’re doing great, Emily.  As long as you don’t start talking behind Puerto Rico’s back to Hawaii, I think you’re gonna make it out of this vacation with your head firmly attached to your body.

Which reminds me, as long as Emily doesn’t start comparing herself to Court–ahhh ok it just happened, just now.  Emily keeps doing it wrong, you guys.

FUN FACT, IF I MAY: I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir on this one but I need Emily to figure out that one has to focus on one’s relationship with someone, and let everything else fall away.  Comparing one’s relationship to another girl’s is the dumbest thing that I, Alison, have ever heard girls do.

Oh, AND ANOTHER THING.  Most of you are at least superficially familiar with my Nutella obsession.  Yes?  Yes.  Now, if I was an idiot, I’d go and feed my frenchie alternating spoonfuls of this tangible Heaven, because why shouldn’t he delight in what brings me joy?  But the thing is I’m probably NOT an idiot, and so I read up on puppy-raising when we got Bambino and pretty much all the materials I perused advised not to feed dogs chocolate unless you want them to stop doing that “living” thing they do.  Why did I read up?  Because I have a brain.  And so, seeing as Emily is getting her PhD in a real area of study unlike Elyse, you’d think Emily would have boned up a bit on how not to act around a guy who has a 24-hour-boner pointing like Spin the Bottle towards Courtney’s mouth.  You’d THINK.

But you’d be wrong.  Your first mistake?  Thinking at all, with regard to anything that transpires on this show ad infinitum.  Ok, now that you’re equipped with the necessary tools to continue on this journey… (and by ‘equipped with the necessary tools, I mean stripped of them…)

SCENE: GIRLS ARRIVE AT VILLA–OH WAIT IT’S A ONE BEDROOM CLOSET… IT IS??

The girls get really excited about the boiler room in which they’ll be sleeping, all of them piling onto the bed, nearby sofa and each other, with unbridled vigor and girl-on-girl contact.

We all pray to the Bachelor gods (I hear Bentley and Pauly Shore are among them) that it will become the girl-on-girl scissoring fest we naturally imagine it to become, when this happens…

It seems promising, but we’re left high, and we’re left dry.  As well as blue… where it counts.  This guy over here knows what I’m talkin’ about. #pointstomemberofaudience

Hearing Chrisharrison’s voice, the ladies exit the maids’ quarters, ass-first.

CUE the entire world exploding into screams of “COURTNEY’S WEARING A ‘BE NICE’ SHIRT??!!!  WTF?!!”  I, on the other hand, was very excited, because I lent her that shirt; I ironed on the roses myself and hand-picked the gothic, drippy typeface because do you not see how that typeface makes the shirt uber ironic?  Can you not see that?  Is it– it’s just me?  Just–only Courtney and I see it?  OH WELL F**KBALLS.

Courtney tells the lens of a camera that if Emily steps to her this time around, she will detonate an embarrassment-bomb planted directly on top of her face, until she has passed away from sheer embarrassment… or from the machete wounds; we’ll never know.  Courtney is mentally prepared to leave Emily’s bloody, decapitated and fully embarrassed head on the floor of the girls’ tiny basement apartment in Puerto Rico.  Post-decapitation, she will not hesitate to scream obscenities into her squirting throat.  Keepin’ it goin’.

Chrisharrison jumps out of the hot air balloon he rented for the day which floats away just in time to make it look like he has achieved human flight – something that’s become important to him whenever he’s in front of the girls for whatever reason – and proceeds to apprise the bevy of the obvious facts of overwhelming obviousness that everyone already knows, but probably forgot because let’s face it they aren’t on this show to remember things.  They’re here TO WIN BEN’S COMPLETELY NON-SEXUAL LOVE!  And what a prize that is.

Next, Chrisharrison shows us how NOT to wear a diamond solitaire engagement ring, and that is: ON YOUR MAN HAND.

The respect I once had for Chrisharrison rapidly drains from my body, this egregious error in judgment to blame.  Then Chrisharrison, fanning the ladies with his bejeweled right forefinger as if to say, “NOTICE MY RING! ASK ME ABOUT HOW HE PROPOSED!” proceeds to tell the ladies such things as, “as you know” and then proceeds to tell them what those things that they already know, are.  Because although they may nod that they know…. they don’t knooowwww, they don’t.

After explaining that roses are important because they mean you get to stay, and that NOT getting a rose typically results in going home… upon his departure he utters, “Ladies… try and enjoy this.”  Aright?  Aright, ladies?  Ladies, PLEASE.  PLEASE TRY.  PLEASE TRY TO ENJOY THIS.

BEHBEH, SHE’S GONNA BE SICK

Somebody whose name I’m forgetting gets up to read the date card, and it’s in Spanish.  Casey S. looks like she’s going to black out from confusion, and if “HUH??” had a physical manifestation you could look up in the dictionary, it would be a picture of her face.  Meanwhile, our LITTELS MCBEHBEHKINS looks like she is gonna be sick.  She says, “if Courtney gets the one-on-one date, aahhhhm goannuh be sayack.”

She goes on to add, “she’s not a good person, hopefully Ben sees it.”

Sorry, babe.

Turns out there is a God Courtney does NOT get the one-on-one date card, but is again irritated that she isn’t getting every single one, because she doesn’t seem to understand that she has not yet won, and that there are human beings around her and that it isn’t coincidental, that they’re there.  See, when you live in a dreamworld constructed inside of your own mind, you can easily forget that other people exist, and that they require your kindness and respect.  It’s hard to remember, I know, Courtney.

COMMERCIAL 

I notice that there are two shows– The River and The Chew, being advertised and I go to take pictures because I sense a joke about band names for tv shows coming on (gimme a break it was in early development) and I snap a shot of one of them: 

And then I notice in the picture that it says I’m 7 minutes in and I black out from unstoppable dismay.  When I come to, I promise myself that I will not document every. single. mockable. moment. of. this. two. hour. show.

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL

Puerto Rico looks great on Nicki.  She’s coming off as especially datable, and I immediately engage some high hopes for her.  I begin to pray that she doesn’t f**k this up with talking.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE – BEN + NICKI

Nicki is obsessed with Ben.  Which is fine, it’s fine!  BUT NO REALLY SHE NEEDS TO GET THAT S**T IN CHECK.

BEN: “[Nicki is a] total sweetheart.  Excited to spend the day with her.  I think it will go extremely well.  We both have feelings for one another, and I think this date is going to be a good indicator of where I can see this going.”

“I’m gonna be very laid back, low-key” he says.  Then, as they approach a food stand, Ben aggressively shouts out something like RAWGAHHHPAHHS or something in Spanish, and it’s apparently “piragua” which is Puerto Ricoan for a delicious, if slightly phallic shaved ice equivalent of a fully erect member.  But WHATEVER, WHATEVER, it’s something unintelligible to me, and it is as unintelligible as it is EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE to Nicki’s face… as if he can’t control the volume of his own voice.  Then I start thinking about Austin Powers, and then I move to thinking about mojo, and then I think to myself, “Ben is sorely lacking in that arena.”  That’s right around the time that Honey, staring into his laptop, says, “I don’t think Ben has sex.”

When it counts, Honey and I are totally on the same wavelength.

I call this next part: UH-OH IT’S RAINING!

Nicki impresses me when it starts raining and she DOESN’T immediately start relating Mother Nature’s process of condensation and evaporation to Mother Nature’s process of Nicki falling in love with Ben and having his babies and then she effing DOES do that, saying “nothing can rain on this parade!” and I *loudly sigh* on a scale of 1 to 10.

Ben and Nicki spend 45 minutes jogging around Puerto Rico looking for shelter.  Why are there no roofs in Puerto Rico?!!  Puerto Rico should get some roofs and yes I totally wondered for a second if you spell it “rooves” because this show is systematically bringing down my IQ, but in such small increments that it’s hard to track that it’s actually even happening, until I do something like think you spell roofs, “rooves.”

Waxing arrogant chauvinist, Ben shares that he is delighted that Nicki “goes with the flow” and “rolls with it,” having instead expected her to start screaming like a banshee and melting into the grou–I mean, what is with this guy and his weird-ass assessments and deductions about women?  Ben seems to have determined that her general distaste for standing out or up for herself is something he can see marrying and staying with, down the road.  That’s only because Ben is such an awesome guy!

Having dried themselves off in a novelty clothing store for off off off Broadway productions performed in Puerto Rico community theater (see I told you it was off off off), Nicki and Ben emerge from the shop dressed to the ones.   Clearly in costume, the couple appears to be getting into character to rehearse lines for their upcoming roles in a modern day stage production of the hit movie El Cantante, a Chrisharrison side project.  Little known fact: ABC execs pay Chrisharrison in gum.  I know, crazy, right?  But not so crazy when you count up the total minutes Chrisharrison appears on the show.  He’s less there as a host, and more there as a sort of guide dog for this remedial math class of young, low-achieving women.

Another fun fact: the husband and wife roles were formerly played by Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez, who, get this, literally formerly played the roles of husband and wife IRL.  You can’t write stuff like that.  And while I cannot say that I have seen any early cuts or insider reviews yet, I am 1000% certain that Nicki and Ben will bring a new dignity to the film.

OH– OH S**T– OH S**T OH NO– THERE’S A WEDDING GOING ON, OH F**K

 

It’s true; there’s a wedding going on.  Ben and Nicki make the right choice and sit down as close as humanly possible to it, drawing attention to themselves and away from the bride.  … Did we expect less?

The bride is so startled and disturbed by this that her limbs become like jelly, and she can hardly get up those three and half steps to the church doors.  Seriously, she really dragged ass up those stairs, you guys.  It was so weird.  All of her less fit relatives were staring down at her wondering what’s taking so long.

Anyway, seeing all of this wedding stuff, and having died as a result, Nicki rises above her flesh in what is clearly an out of body experience after suddenly realizing that two people who are not her and [insert any guy willing to marry her] are getting married within 20 yards of her and [really, any guy].

COMMERCIAL / WE’RE BACK!

And not a moment too soon, because, as we can figure from that sexy Latin strumming, it seems the Gypsy Kings’ rendition of “Hotel California” is what’s playing us back in from commercial, and that must mean that any moment now, John Turturro is going to make a surprise cameo in his role as The Jesus in The Big Lebowski.  I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS YOU GUYS.  The crowd (aka, the voices in my head) go wild, and I get almost as excited about what I’m about to see as Lindzi gets about heleecoptewrs.  Alas, this insane dream sequence does not pan out for me, and instead it’s Ben and Nicki walking somewhere and I WANT TO DIE because I can’t believe I’m still watching this drivel.  I soldier on.

BEN: She’s beautiful, I like her.  He also says, “when I saw that wedding going on, I thought to myself, I don’t think I’m ready to get… engaged.”

Oh.  Oh ok, great!  Nothing to point out here.  Should be smooth sailing going forward…

Except GET THE F**K OUT, because did he just say out loud to that lens on that camera, that he felt a sudden apprehension about becoming engaged?  Unless the latter bit of that statement was courtesy of creative editing… WTF, are you doing, Ben, what are you doing, why are you on this show.  GET OFF THE SHOW.  HEED YOUR FEELINGS.

Choosing to ignore those feelings I was hoping he’d heed, Ben says: “I need to find out… what went wrong (aka what’s wrong with Nicki).”

NICKI: “I saw that wedding happen and I thought, omigod, I want that again.  I want those feelings I had; to be excited about walking down the aisle with somebody… aaand I want that again.  It wasn’t all bad, but when you realize your vision of your marriage is not what you’re seeing happen…”  ”We were just two different people when we got married…. things were going on… I was really stressed…. this time around, if I grow, it’ll be WITH somebody…”

Ok, great.  I really have nothing more to say on Nicki.  Except for she’s emotionally ill-prepared for an adult relationship and should work on herself a bit first before jumping into anything involving another human being.

GROUP DATE CARD ARRIVES TO BEVY

Elyse almost pops a cap on a bitch until the group date card arrives.  The card reads: ”Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”  Ok who’s goin’ on dis bitch?  NAMES ARE ANNOUNCED…

Lindzi

Courtney “I’ll slit your throat; I’LL DO IT…” The Model

Ginger Jennifer

BEHBEH

“The Smart One” LOL

Rachel “pack-a-day” McGee

Casey S

Jamie (who?)

Blakely

Blakely’s upset, because she had been planning on showing Ben a “fun side, and a romantic side.”  If she had gotten the one-on-one date, I would have suggested that she focus much more heavily on showing him the fun side– wait, “Fun Side” is the not-sexual side, of the two options… right?  Whatever.  Just, whichever side isn’t the “Imma jump on it” side is the right side to focus on, Blakely.  NO MATTER, Elyse is the lucky lady left out of the group date so WHATEVAH.

BACK TO ONE-ON-ONE WITH BEN + NICKI

Nicki tells us that she’s so happy that “it really CAN be perfect.”  Nicki considers being a contestant in a competitive love-acquisition show with what could very possibly be the first ever Bachelor Eunuch, “perfect.”  They’re a funny thing, standards.

COMMERCIAL

Lady… and the Tramp.  A commercial for a throwback to the best of childhood animation makes its way into this episode of The Bachelor.  That was excellent ad placement, executives.  Was that one for me?  You have no idea how much I appreciate your gift.  It is nothing if not completely apropos and I applaud you.  It is one thing to mock another’s programming, but to mock one’s OWN, on one’s OWN NETWORK?  That is another level to which we should all aspire.  I clink my champagne glass, higher than anyone’s, and I tip my hat to you, ABC Execs.

BACK FROM IT!

We’re met with the bevy, en route to their “diamonds are a girl’s best friend”-themed date.  Historically, date cards are perfectly literal descriptions of the actual dates they are describing, so I bet they’re all on their way to Scrooge McDuck’s money pit, except the money has been replaced with sharp, jagged-edged diamonds and the girls are going to have to find their favorite and then he’s going to marry all of them!  OOOHHH I can’t wait.  But, in an interesting turn of events, they arrive… at a baseball stadium.  Release the collective sigh of overwhelming sadness.  Emily tells us that she was a little disappointed because since that’s what the date card said, she kind of assumed that there would be some jewelry involved in this date.

OK, is Emily really getting her PhD? or is that bullshit.  Seriously.  It’s like she’s actively trying to be the devil’s advocate on the topic of her intelligence and she’s winning against herself.

Next, Lindzi talks to us, her bangs having fully enveloped her face at this point.  She is only bangs, nothing but.  We can’t even SEE HER FACE, through her bang cloud.

Ben sees the ladies warming up, and remarks that Jennifer is the “best baseball player he’s ever seen” because Ben doesn’t watch baseball or know what it is.

Allofasudden Chrisharrisonface appears out of thin air in the middle of this veritable “Field of Dreams.”  The bevy can’t wait to find out what’s happening, and we expect Chrisharrison to tell the women that “if they build it, Ben will love them more” or something funnier than that.  But what, pray tell, is actually happening?  Oh only a fight-to-the-death cage match in which only the last man standing wins the ros– oh.  DAMNIT it’s not that.  It’s totally a baseball game and only the winning team is going to get the chance to stroke Ben’s itty bitties during what we can already assume is the far better evening portion of this date.

Waxing success, and already the self-appointed VIP (hardy harr harr, I know) Blakely tells us that “she can literally taste it.”  She can literally taste victory– and it’s a pineapple-cotton blend with a touch of missed opportunities and patchouli.  I mean… I just…. this show is a cake walk to mock.  You guys I can’t be expected to grab every opportunity for a s-mock-down, aright.  I mean, I have chores, and I… there’s a life to be lived out there.

Note: Emily is taking this extremely seriously and I expect little to nothing from her, athleticism-wise.

COMMENCE HELPING-MEN-FEEL-BETTER-ABOUT-WATCHING-THE-BACHELOR LADIES’ BASEBALL GAME

You know all those vocabulary words you learned in high school, preparing for your SATs?  All those words you thought you’d never get to use in real life?  I feel like this show is my useless vocabulary mecca; the girls’ reactions to everything are SO INCREDIBLY HYPERBOLIC IN NATURE, SO MAGNIFICENTLY EXTREME IN EMOTION.  Their reactions require extreme words, befitting of their utter uhhh, ummm, their utter extreeeeeme-ness!  (Sorry I didn’t study enough for my SATs.)  Speaking of SAT studying… you guys, I feel like Courtney shows some serious avarice when it comes to Ben.  AMIRITE.  Ava.  Rice.  (Haha, that’s how we all learned it!)

Ok, THE GAME.  We are greeted by a bevy of women in skin tight polyester blends spanning the visible-color spectrum wheel, and Honey says, “they’re all wearing my favorite outfit.”

As we’re launched into this “date,” the intense, enduring, climactic music instructs us to feel very anxious about this baseball game and what its turnout will be.  We are spellbound by the action-lack and I swear to God it’s like I was in the theatre watching Braveheart and I am sweating through my spellboundne–

ok ew, no.  I absolutely hate it when people say “skin of our teeth.”  It is so icky.  Emily, yuck.  Stop saying things that are so stupid.  You better watch out now, watch out for yourself.  I am half-certain there are guillotines on this island but I KNOW THERE ARE MACHETES because this girl named Karisha Marie @ruborosablog TOLD ME SO ON TWITTER, saying “it’s one of our traditional weapons in Puerto Rico” and so, I mean, I encourage you to tread lightly… y’know, be careful… that’s all I’m sayin.

The game continues, blue and red battling it out, and still, the music is making me think that all of this should feel very intense to me, but from what my eyes are seeing, it looks a lot like there are some little girls and a relic from the paleolithic era all hanging around on a field playing what appears to be baseball like silly ladies.

Ginger Jennifer says something about winning this game being “the only way…. for me to get that precious, precious time.”  And then, drunk with absolute power, she strangles one of her teammates for eyeing The Ring, runs her fingers through her remaining strands of red hair – they’ll be gone soon – and returns to her cave under the Misty Mountains to dine on fish and goblins and dream of The Shire.  Frodo.  Sauron.  Bilbo Baggins.

COMMERCIAL / AND WE’RE BACK (omg!)!!

This hits my face…

… as we return from commercial and it knocks me out cold on a scale of 1 to 10.  (No I’m not giving this up yet.  I like it too much.)

Also, did anyone notice how great Ben’s hair is looking, you know, the way it sits there, sort of like, not visible, under that hat?  It’s a good look for him.  Completely covered up in the hair and face is a good look for him.  Yep.

The game comes down to Jennifer, who’s at bat, and for tickles and giggles Ben secretly makes a deal with himself that if she misses this, she’s going home.

She misses; let’s see if he keeps his promise to himself.

Ben comforts the blue team, saying various princely things from a bygone era in human civilization, like valiant effort, and such, and then hugs one of them saying “sorrrrry, what a HEARTBREAKERRRRR!” and I can pinpoint that this is the precise moment in time that he turned into a human version of Gumbi for me.  He’s just not a real person anymore.

Blakely gives the antithesis-of-a-pep-talk to her teammates and blames them for the loss and probably says something about all three of them “being here for the wrong reasons” and “I’m not here to find teammates I’m here to dance for Ben he could be my BEST CLIENT because he never gets hard so it never gets weird, and the money keeps flowing!”  And various other references to stripping and VIP cocktail waitressing.  Also, sorry Blakeley, I’mma stop doing that just like, in general.

She goes on to say that, on a scale of 1 to 10, “if that damn helicopter lands on this field and picks those girls up, I swear to God… I’m gonna THROW UP.”  She then tells the camera that “It just sucks that I have such strong feelings for somebody, with whom I’ve spent such a small amount of time.”

I decide that Blakely fully gets it after I hear her utter that statement, and I officially decide that we need to hang out because somebody just turned out to be AMAZEBALLS.

COMMERCIAL / BACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK

Courtney mocks the other girls, a-like a-so:

I like this side of you, Courtney.  This rude, mocking side.  I haven’t seen this before except for the whole time I’ve known you.  Keep it up!

With Ben, Lindzi tells him that she wouldn’t mind being his MVP.  Oh, OH GOOD ONE, LINDZI.  There is witty, and then there is WITTY, and you my friend, you are right smack in the general vicinity of neither of those things.  (But I still love you and hope you win this.  You, or BEHBEH MCWHITTLES, or even maybe Nicki.)

Courtney assesses all the women, and it’s all just very sad.  Because Courtney is the worst.

BEN, to BEHBEHKINS: “All of the women I’ve ever loved…. have not…. loved me back.  I just don’t want to come up empty again.”

THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT explains it.

~~~

Please.  Join me in a moment of silence for this, the most heartbreaking moment of the entire season.  I am near tears for this man only I’m not.  This poor man, who has never been loved back.  Maybe if the wizard grants you a personality, maybe then!  Surely you’ll find love then!

~~~

BACK TO THE BEVY IN THE 7TH FLOOR WALK-UP ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT

The losing girls return to their quarters, and recount the story of the day to whoever will listen.  Elyse, with Jedi-focus……. Elyse, oranger than whence we left her……. Elyse, having just returned from Umpa Lumpa tryouts……. Elyse, who ISSSS she……. Elyse, is ready to receive the news, and focuses on listening to the girls’ story with a type of hyper-falcon-death-focus that we’ve never actually seen before, at least in the light of day, and on the face of a human being.  It’s not quite Jedi, I came to that conclusion after the third joke in that series back there.

GROUP DATE WITH SOME WOMEN I MET AND COURTNEY

I think that BEHBEH and Ben should go on a one-on-one date and just do one another’s hair for like, the whole time.  Let them really figure out what works, you know, and what doesn’t work, and like, you know just run with that for a good two hours.

All of a sudden, Ben asks Kacie B to go with him somewhere and, not one to resist candy from strangers, 24-yr-old BEHBEH abides.  By the way, I love how on group dates, Ben always makes sure to take a girl at least 11 feet away from the awaiting bevy, in plain sight, and then makes out with that girl while everyone is watching it go down.

Courtney, not to be one-upped, asks Ben to go somewhere private with her IMMEDIATELY UPON HIS BEHBEH’S RETURN which is the most aggressively rude move in the world.

COURTNEY, to Ben: “like like like like liek like like like like skinny dipping like like like crazy have fun like like like secret rendez-vous like like etc.”

COMMERCIAL / WE’RE BAAAAAACKK!  ELYSE + BEN ARE TOTALLY GONNA DO THIS; THEY’RE TOTALLY GONNA GO ON A ONE-ON-ONE DATE

Elyse asks for advice for her one-on-one, and shockingly no one gives her anything constructive to work with.  This lack of last minute tutelage from the other sads and therefore absence of readiness proves to have likely been the thing that brought her down in the end.  Well that, and her complete lack of compatibility with Ben.  But tomatoes, tomahtoes.

Elyse says she’s “sooooo hyappeee” to go on this date “wath Baan,” and how she’ll “be really upset if I go home tonight.  CUE SELF-ACTIVATED RIVER OF TEARS.  ”I gave up my job for this, and I deserve someone to make me feel special, comfortable, relaxed” and then the editors switch as fast as possible out of this soup bowl of viscous, salty sadness and switch into an upbeat melody because that was really getting into the weirder, deeper areas of a google sadness search at 3 in the morning on a Thursday.

BEN: I’m down to the women that I really like…. and I need to start really thinking, can I see myself with this person.  Our relationship has been slow-progessing, but so did my relationship with Ashely. And, my date on the water last time with Ashley was monumental… that’s where my feelings changed… on the boat… and I think that being on the water can do that.

…..?

……

BWAAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!

OMG that’s excellent logic, Ben.  You are doing this sooo right I can’t even tell you!

(FUN ASIDE: I had to rewind that scene to get all of that down approximately 7 times.  On the 7th, Honey said, “please don’t put me through that another time,” and the very act of him saying that made me MISS the thing I kept rewinding to hear, and so I had to rewind it AGAIN, and… You know what?  Let’s just keep going.)

ELYSE: I have a great job, I love my job…. I knew I wanted to get my undergrad… my graduate degree… I moved to Florida… I HAD a relationship… then everything crumbled.”

Oh and by the way, I gave up that job I mentioned that I loved… to be here.  I also missed my friend’s wedding that I was in so you sort of HAVE to pick me.  So…. let’s just screw everyone else, get married here, and make a life together.”

^ ALL DIRECT QUOTES OUT OF ELYSE’S MOUTH ^

COMMERCIAL / BACK

The camera takes us to the location of Ben and Elyse’s “date portion” of their date, where we see several floor-bound lit candles, and we breathe a collective sigh of relief that it’s not Jenna the Blogger for whom Ben is pulling out a chair.

Dapper Dan pops the cork…

And then Ben cheers to their date, and THEN Elyse beats Ben to the “what’s-wrong-with-you-why-are-you-still-single” punch, and asks him if he wants to know anything wrong with her.  He says yeah he does, and raises her, the-echo-technique.  This technique is basically hearing her statement about her life, and then shooting back with “wait, so…”

One thing that’s wrong with Ben is he takes girls seriously when they tell him “I want you to be honest with me.”  Alas, as if it was the Sesame Street word of the day, he immediately jumps into action, and takes this opportunity to drop-kick Elyse into the ocean waves but not before ripping her head off as Courtney advised he do, to really hammer that *good things must end badly* thing home.

BEN: “I was hoping for some things today, that I just… didn’t… FIND.  My relationships with other ladies have progressed so far beyond where we are.”

BEN: So…

I don’t like you.

So… that means I can’t have you here anymore.

Which means…

I can’t give you this rose.

So that means….

you are probably going to go home now, and in a less than dignified way.

Ben probably noticed that Elyse is what we call “too impulsive,” given her tendency to quit jobs she loves and go on reality dating competitions.  I see your point, Ben.

By the way, I know tendency is the wrong word since she did it one time……. but, isn’t *one time* enough in this situation?  M’thinks.

ELYSE: “I just don’t know what I did wrong.”  BEN: “you didn’t do anything wrong.”  I LOVE BEN FOR SAYING THIS.  SERIOUSLY, THIS WAS REALLY GOOD OF HIM.

Elyse does that horrible thing that many girls (myself included) tend to do when they’re broken up with.  She keeps talking and talking.  Here’s Ben’s level of interest:

So, all in all, they have a great date… they go to commercial… and he cuts her in the face with the thorny stem end of the rose she didn’t get and– wait, is he sending her out to sea on the wings of a prayer, or?—

Oh ok I see it, the rejection dingy (sorry I spelte itt rongk in that skreengurabb up thayr, apologeez) arrives and he sends her packing with an intern who, clearly not having thought ahead, seems to think he can hide his entire body behind a single slice of plywood, as he helps Elyse GET THE F**K OUT of Ben’s life beginning with escorting her with haste to more than a 1 mile radius of his general whereabouts.  Ben needs CLARITY.  And the fumes coming off of her poorly tanned body were proving to be toxic to his thought process (what thought process?).

And I’m sorry, Unknown ABC Employee who was hiding behind that cafeteria food platter, I’m sorry for taking a swipe at you.  You don’t deserve it.  You very kindly helped The Saddest One of All of the Sads onto the Boat of Ultimate Sadness, or, its real name, the “Sadness of the Seas.”  I salute you for your willingness to risk your life and come into contact with what is the Sadness equivalent of that disease in Contagion.

Oh hey, wanna know something else?  Trivia’s always fun.  SO, did you know that that was the Sadness of the Seas first voyage on the open seas? Yes, that’s right — Sadness of the Seas happened to be christened that night…. christened by the resultant salty tears of Elyse’s  sadness.

CUE – what else? – David Gray’s sad, sad songs of transcendent joy!  Just kidding– it’s one of his sad songs, only.

COMMERCIAL / BACKACKACK

We find ourselves in the port-o-potty oh wait that’s their apartment, with Blakely, Courtney, WHITTLE BEHBEH, Nicki-1-Marriage-Down-1-to-Go MacTexington, and that Emily girl whose PhD status is something I’m questioning at this point.  (Seeing as it’s my alma mater I have a mind to get to the bottom of this.)  They are in the throws of discussing what it means to “get a rose” and what it means if you “don’t get a rose” and what that means for your chances, and what happens if you go home, and what that means for your chances, and so on, and the like, and such.  And then…

NOOOOOOO…… NOOO WAAY….. SHUT.. THE F**K…. WHAAAAAAAAAT?!!!!! IS GOING… WHAT IS HAPPENING TO…. ARE YOU SERRRRIOUS…. NOOOOOOO… YOU’RE LYYYIN…..

Some dude comes in and removes Elyse’s luggage from the room, signifying that she has gone home.  The girls immediately fake sadness for Elyse-of-the-Bellowing-Darkness-Oh-How-She-Roars, when Courtney releases this gem:

COURTNEY: “maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore fell out.”

Sitting in the foreground, in front of Courtney and in direct view of the cameras, Lindzi and Blakey DO THEIR BEST to hold it together.

They’re chanting to themselves not to laugh, whatever you do DO NOT HAVE IT BE LAUGH…

It was clearly impossible.  Because Courtney?  All she did right there was say what everybody in the room was thinking– or, I mean, what everybody in the room could immediately agree with, once it was stated.  Because meanness of that form and strength does not naturally rise up in just anyone.  It’s exclusive to Courtneys and Samanthas, and such, and the like.  What not.

COURTNEYISMS…

“Another one bites the dust.  See the dust?  Foooooff.  Did you see it, how I blew it away?  That’s what that means.”

And my personal favorite: “Blew MY panties off!”

NEXT SCENE – COURTNEY MURDERED THE BELLKEEP AND DISCOVERED BEN’S LOCATION IN THE HOTEL

Courtney: “I’m little Miss Sunshine… I just sprinkle it around, to brighten his day.”  Literal translation: I enjoy murdering in my spare time.

Courtney is angling towards skinny dipping, dropping hints.  Ben is hesitant, thinking “this is probably not such a great idea…. this is unexpected.”  They walk together onto the beach, totally about to skinny dip.  Someone says:

“It’s gettin’ waarrm.” – it was Ben’s penis.

THEY STRIP DOWN.  Courtney’s Push-Up bra is thrown to the sand while Courtney’s chest of what remains (ohh don’t worry; you see, I can say that because one of my closest friends is a flat-chested person) and Ben’s, umm–I’m just assuming it’s a penis, that he has?  It’s hard to tell– both run off together in the surf to put some o’ that P into some o’ that VD (Vagina Dentata) and then right after he finishes Ben TOTALLY REGRETS IT BECAUSE S**T, S**T S**T S**T THERE ARE STILL OTHER LADIES HERE.

By the way, we see that Courtney is sad to find out that Elyse wasn’t floating somewhere nearby in her dingy to see this display; she really thought she had timed it right.  But she gets over it and enjoys herself and generally feels like she’s winning again.

ENTER: BEVY GATHERING.  FORM OF: KNIGHT’S ROUNDTABLE

On her 79th glass of wine in the last hour, Courtney says “thee numberrs ar dwiindeleeng” like a robot.  She can be fun you guys.

Jennifer takes Ben aside and tells him how great he is and how much she’d like to be with him forever and how much she loves their path to love and how perfect he is, and *happiness sigh*

JENNIFER: “I wonder what’s next!”

BEN: “I don’t know!  I DON’T know.”

Yeeeeaaaaap.

BLAKELY pulls Ben aside next.  She tells him she’s always wanted to find love, and always wanted it to be right, and that’s why she’s 33 and still single, and that she writes down something she likes about him every day, and how she never thought someone like him would want to be with someone like her, and she didn’t think she deserved someone like him.  No seriously, she said all of that.

… and Ben waits patiently for her to finish.  Because seriously, where is my drink?  It’s been like 5 minutes and I’m still not holding a drink.

Having summoned the spirit of Kristen Wiig’s Gilly character from SNL, Ben has boarded the facial expression train and it’s making all local stops.

BEN says that he saw a new side to Blakely tonight, a sincere side, and he says that she has had an epiphany, and that he’s so happy for her that she’s finally accepted him as her one true Lord and savior and that she can now receive his wonderful kisses.

Ben tells us, “she was one I was really unsure about, going into the evening.”  But now he feels way better about her.  BECAUSE BEN IS GOING ABOUT THIS PARING-DOWN PROCESS ALL WRONG.

MEANWHILE, BACK WITH THE BEVY

Courtney brings up skinny dipping.  DUH!  Of course she did.  This brought words out of Honey, who has been trying unsuccessfully to tune out the show all night:

HONEY to Courtney, on bringing up skinny dipping 2 the girls: “WHY WOULD YOU BRING THAT UP?”  Me to Honey: “Because she’s a horrible bitch.”

Rarely do I capably answer his questions in under 40 words and a metaphor.  But it was case closed in under six.

BACK TO BEN, WHERE EMILY HAS SUDDENLY JOINED HIM??? WAIT, WAIT, NOOO—I WANTED TO TALK TO HER FIRST

EMILY to Ben: “So… I have to be honest…”

ABORT, EMILY.  ABORT.  PLEASE ABORT.  Can I–may I advise you that this might not be the bes–I can’t?  Oh ok.  Well then as you were.

EMILY to Ben: “I haven’t thought about [Courtney] that much, I’ve thought about you…” But yeah lemme just go and do that for a second before I just completely up and stop focusing on Courtney aright? thanks…

BEN: SILENCIO!!!!!!!!  *Varios thinly veiled threats*  ”I encourage you to drop it, and you know, tread lightly… be careful… that’s all I’m sayin.”

EMILY: “He told me to basically stay out of what’s happening with him and Courtney.  And be careful.  I THINK HE HATES ME.”  ”I don’t get why he would keep a girl who’s so shallow, and vapid… when there are several girls who are lovely and interesting.  I really like Ben a lot… and I want a rose… but… I dunno.”

Ohh, Emily.  Let’s discuss this over a cup of tea outside your office on your break from doing groundbreaking disease eradication work, a career that resulted from your smart decision to GET THE F**K OFF OF THIS SHOW, WITH THE QUICKNESS.  Seriously.  You know you can just walk out, right?  There are like doors, like everywhere.

ROSE CEREMONY ENGAGE

The ladies line themselves up like the pins they are in what appears to be a lane in a bowling alley.  When Ben arrives, he stands there silent, just letting that unstoppable hotness speak for itself.

Speaking of bowling, this is where I start getting excited about the parallels we’re drawing again to scenes from The Big Lebowski, and I start secretly dreaming that Jesus Quintana played by John Turturro will walk in, in place of Chrisharrison and start calmly yelling things like, “I see you rolled your way into the semis.  Dios mio, man.”  But it doesn’t happen and instead, Ben tells the ladies “I kinda base these decisions now off of my future…” whereas before he was basing decisions like this entirely off of pre-season bets made with friends back home, the moon’s path and the direction of the winds on Sunday mornings.  Glad to see that the seriousness has really kicked in for you.  At this point in the season, really glad, glad to see that.

Ben tells the bevy: “I find myself wanting to… pull back and like, close myself off…” Ben is so, so healthy emotionally, you guys.  I don’t know what I was worried about!

AND THEN THERE WERE NINE

Ben’s hair does NOT get a rose.

Lindzi gets a rose – “I would looove to!”

Jamie (oh RIGHT THAT’S HER NAME!  I TOTES FORGOT) gets a rose – “‘course, thank you.”

Rachel gets a rose – “very happy to,” she says in a thunderous roar from the depths of the earth.

Courtney – ‘course I will.  bonkoo.

Casey S. – “I would love to.”

Blakely – (close to faintcrying) – “hehe, yes.”

Chrisharrison announces that it’s time for the final rose.  Camera pans to Emily, who is looking lost and confused, a 24/7 look for her so we are comforted with the normalcy of it.  Camera then pans to Jennifer who was clearly taking notes when Tyra Banks’ visited the girls and gave that pep talk behind the scenes because Jennifer’s eyes, they are smiling wider than all the eyes of Ireland.

She seems very confident, as if she can already *smell* getting the rose, but it turns out she was just downstream of somebody else’s especially aromatic flower because FINAL ROSE GOES TO EMILYFACE.

JENNIFER’S DEPARTURE

Jennifer to Ben: “I completely understand.”

Jennifer to World: “I guess I just wonder what I did wrong.”

From that, I can tell you that one of the things you do wrong is you send mixed messages.  That’s one.

Gandalf warned us of this; that Ginger Gollum “is a liar, and you have to sift her words.”  As always, Gandalf’s wisdom brings us renewed understanding and a sense of peace.

THEORY TIME – CONTAINS POSSIBLE SPOILER IF I’M AS SMART AS METHINKS I AM (I’M NOT; I’M NOT AS SMART AS I THINK I AM)

I have a theory HERE IT IS:  It’s going to sound far out given how things have *seemingly* been progressing, but I also have to hold out some semblance of hope that Ben doesn’t make the decision that this season seems to be hurtling towards.  So, I’m thinking this.  I’m thinking that Ben ends up with Lindzi… or maybe Kacie B, or even Nicki but she’s my distant third.  And that Courtney is no more than an actress –this show’s very own Omarosa– thrown into the mix to stir things up, as producers might have worried that they had a dull cast on their hands.  Shocking, I know– I mean the Sanity Meter isn’t exactly jumping off the scale, but anyway.  I know, it’s very possibly I’m wrong, I just…. a girl can dream.  And sometimes… if she prays hard enough, sometimes those very dreams… those dreams can come true.

But usually not.  And especially not in the world of reality television.  Otherwise “Jersey Shore” would have been canceled one episode into the first season and *leopard* wouldn’t have become a *thing* again.

FINAL THOUGHTS

ABC, here is my only request: Can we enact some standards, you know, for who actually gets to be The Bachelor, in the future?  Here, I’ll start us off with an easy one:

No skeet shooting.  YOU’RE MAKING IT OK WHEN YOU AIR STUFF LIKE THIS.  Little boys everywhere are going to think it’s ok to skeet skeet skeet pool water at their female friends.  No actually wait, if there are any little boys choosing to follow this show then they’re probably not going to grow up wanting to do anything like that to any of their women friends.  BUT STILL.

OHHHMYGOD OK….. I’M DONE.  I’M DONE!  I DID IT.  Ok I’m going to sit here and take an awake-nap.  Please, you talk now, at me, yes, ok?  Good, it feels, now, to say things?  I want to sit and your thoughts, read them?  (- Rachel)

xoxo  - Alison

DEAR TKB: “I’d like to do something different for our engagement session. Any ideas?” + The Apple Orchard E-Shoot of Melissa + Jon | By Megan Dandeles Photography

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Happy Friday eeeeeevunink lovelies!  I hope you’re having a pleasant start to your weekend.  I have a one two punch for your peepers and your noodle tonizzle and I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts.  We’re going to see how tasty treats can be one of the most enjoyable ways to *propify* your shoot, but we’re also going to try to tackle a question from a reader that speaks to the difficulty and in some cases pressure that many new brides can experience when planning “that perfect engagement session.”   So if you have any ideas/suggestions for today’s reader, please do share at the end, as we’d love to hear whatcha gots to say.

Megan Dandeles, the brilliant talent behind Megan Dandeles Photography, submitted this fantasmagoric engagement session and I’m TELLING YOU, I realize this takes place at an apple orchard but those caramel apples make me want to run down to the amusement park six towns over and wait in line for some amusement.  And like, caramel apples too, as well.

But since I’d be waiting for around four months and change, seeing as it’s wintertime, I uhh– I won’t be doing that, probably.  But I seriously want to.  No, seriously.  NO SERIOUSLY.

But seriously, before we can get to the fabulous photos, there’s this question from a reader that I think fits perfectly into the tone of this engagement shoot.  See, Melissa and Jon, together with their photographer Megan, decided on an apple picking theme for not just any reason.  And her description of just why they did that, follows as well as helps answer today’s reader question….

Dear TKB: Real World Question!

Help! Neither my fiance nor I are very artistically gifted people (to put it nicely), but we have an engagement shoot coming up and I have no idea how to style it! We’re very beachy people – we live on the west coast, met playing beach volleyball, got engaged at the same spot, and will be married on the beach! So – I feel like we have that covered…and I’d like to do something a little bit different for our engagement session. Any ideas? And how do you possibly decide what to wear, or what props to bring (if anything?). Normally, I’m sure our photographer would have oodles of ideas, but she recently had a new baby (like – 2 weeks ago!), so I don’t really want to bother her in this super-sleep deprived state she’s surely existing in. I feel like I need an “engagement shoot for dummies” book, so any help you or your lovely readers could dispense would be MUCH appreciated.

Thanks!

- E.

Dear Miss E,

I paired the gorgeous e-session below with your question because I feel that Melissa, the lovely young lady featured in this shoot below, gives us some insight into how to go about it in a way that will be far better than any answer or specific suggestions I could offer you.  She speaks of incorporating their love story, thinking about places they’ve enjoyed during their courtship, and being sure to involve both of you in the planning and gathering for the shoot.  The thing I want you always to remember is this: the thing is meant to be fun!!  Tons of fun, nothing more, nothing less.  An engagement session shouldn’t have any pressure involved; this is sort of like a little dress rehearsal, and you don’t have to worry about everything being perfect.  In fact, I would stress trying to stay relaxed and letting yourself be natural so you can actually enjoy it.  You know, really letting your chemistry shine through, so that you have a great time, instead of worry about everything coming together properly.

Don’t get me wrong; I LOVE TO SEE PROPS in my engagement sessions.  I wish props were involved in ALL engagement sessions, to be honest, but that’s for selfish reasons — it makes them super fun to look at!  But if you’re the bride, what you really wanna make sure you focus on is that this is supposed to be a happy time.  And one of the things I MOST LOVE about e-shoots is the fact that they can truly capture the freshness of your love and the overwhelming excitement that comes along with having just gotten engaged.  And doesn’t that just totally rule so HARD?  Methinks it does.

So… just have fun with it, ok?  But also, read the following, like I wanted you to :) ……

Ok, here’s the story from the lovely Melissa, the bride in today’s shoot:

Jon and I met 8 years ago on the first day of band camp my freshman year and his senior year of high school! Yes, that’s right, we are high school sweethearts! He played the euphonium and I played the tuba so we ended up getting sat next to each other in rehearsals and we quickly fell in love! 

When trying to decide on a place for our engagement session we tried to think of all of the places that we visited in the beginning that made us fall in love. Our first date was homecoming so we thought about the high school but it didn’t really fit with the picturesque setting we were hoping for. Then we thought of our second date, Apple Picking! The actual apple orchard that our second date took place at was way too touristy for a photo shoot so we picked a quieter apple orchard that is owned by a family friend and it turned out to be the perfect location for our e-session!

Coming up with the concept of the engagement shoot from there was fairly simple. Fall is my favorite time of year and so I knew exactly all of the areas of fall that I wanted to feature. Apple cider, caramel apples, apple trees, cider donuts, pumpkins, hay rides, and all of the beautiful colors. I even made Jon (my fiance) go on a special shopping trip for new outfits for the both of us!

We could not have picked a better photographer for our engagement shoot. Megan is incredible! Not only did she take amazing pictures of us but we had a blast while shooting! She made us both feel so comfortable and made us feel like rock stars.

I am a professional wedding planner with Married By Melissa. Needless to say, I have had all of the ideas for my wedding brewing in my head for many years. I have only been engaged for about a month and I already have the venue, photographer, band, flowers, rehearsal dinner, and room block set up, plus a lot of other little details from the linens to the favors! It is such a rush being on the other side of planning. It is a whole different experience planning your own wedding as opposed to planning others. I am so unbelievably excited for June!

And here’s a bit from their photographer, Megan Dandeles:

I love dreaming up engagement sessions with my brides and designing a shoot that feels authentically them.  Finding a style that tells their story, picking a spot they feel connected to and a place they can relax, be in love and be themselves.

Because really that is what it is all about… documenting their love, just the way it is.

There are few more perfect places to be on an autumn afternoon than the New England countryside.  The orchard we picked for Melissa and Jon’s engagement session spreads across the crest of a hill soaking in all of the sweet afternoon light.  Rows upon rows of apple trees, heavy limbed with perfectly-ripe-for picking apples and the heady, sugary scent of an apple orchard soaking in the last warm days of autumn.

We set up a picnic, styled by Melissa (who is also an incredible wedding planner!) complete with antique details and delicious fall treats.  We spent the rest of the afternoon laughing, exploring and enjoying this gorgeous setting.  And Melissa and Jon got to do what they do best, be in love.

And I got to do what I love most.

Documenting their love.  Just the way it is.  

OMGSOTHOUGHTSDOYOUHAVEANY??!!  WHOA! whoa… sorry, sorry.  I think that coffee just kicked in.

xoxo  - Alison

Megan Dandeles Photography is a member of Vendor Love.  Explore more of her work here, in our guide.

OMFG, THESE SHOES. | They’re called “I Do” for a reason. Because “I” want “to do” them. Kidding, sort of.

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Happy late Monday afternoon (on… dun dun dunnn… Bachelor night), bubelahs!  Ok now listen, and listen real good like.

There are times.  Tiiiiiiimes, when a person has simply GOT to share something with her audience.  Something so deeply happy-ifing… so lovely… so beyond perfect… just so gashdarned right, that NOT to share it, well it just seems like that should be illegal, that ‘holding back’ of such a thing.

And this, ladies and gentlepersons… this is one of those times.

Ok with that kind of build-up I forreals hope you guys actually like it the way I do.  Otherwise uh-oh.

Kimee, one of the two Super Incredibles behind The Boudoir Divas got married a hot second ago.  The timeless beauty of that one fine day, not to mention that one fine FACE of hers, came through hardcore in what I think are some of the most gorgeous wedding photos eh-vah, all captured by the fantastic Jackie Wonders.

However.  

There were TWO THINGS that specifically caught my eye in a way nothing else could, and these things wouldn’t release my eye – they absolutely refused – no matter how much my sweet, innocent eye begged for its freedom.  And my eye is cute, it’s a sweet, cute eye – but still, no luck!  (Now you say: “what were the two things, Alison?” because you’re always so nice to indulge me.  And then I say…) These two things were a) Kimee’s beauty throughout all of those amazing images, and b) THOSE GOSHFORSAKEN SHOESIES ON THOSE FOOTSIES OF HERSIES.

More specifically, Seychelles “I Do” heels.  Ohhh, what a sight they are!  And today, out of nowhere – the reason for this random post – I happened upon them on Lori’s Shoes, where they’re ON SALE, practically for pennies!

You guys, I’m not a huge shoe fanatic.  But sometimes I just can’t TAKE IT.  I just– I can’t.  I like them like I liked Matt F. in kindergarten.  I want to chase them around the playground until they trip over themselves and smash their faces in, and then I want to kiss them on the cheek and make them cry.

Okie dokie, this brings me to my question of the day: are you more a fan of color, or of white/ivory, when it comes to one’s wedding days shoesies?  Do tell. :)  p.s. – Don’t hold back; I don’t expect the entire world to agree with me.

xoxo  - Alison

The Boudoir Divas are members of Vendor Love.  Explore more of their work here, in our guide.

REAL LIFE ISSUES | Hey, sometimes a mother-in-law needs to call her son an average of 14 times a day. That’s her RIGHT. … LOL, just kidding. | By Miss M, Knotty Bloggista

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Ok, SO!

Alison here… with the first order of business: it’s Tuesday night, and yep that’s right, YOU’RE BACHELOR RECAP IS IN PROGRESS.  OH ALSO, DID I JUST WRITE *YOU’RE* IN THAT SENTENCE BACK THERE WHERE I TALKED ABOUT YOUR BACHELOR RECAP?  Because I could swear I’m smarter than that.

What in the F Word is happening to me.

I have a mind to think it’s this whole Chrisharrison situation that just happened to my face.  Chrisharrison had to pull me aside earlier to tell me some story that I was totally thinking was about my best friend dying or my dog dying or the apocalypse or that I’m pregnant with the child of Satan or that I have to marry Ben, because of the awkward way he made THE MOST MAGNIFICENT OF DEALS ABOUT IT when he came to grab me.  But it turns out he just had to tell me about some really awesome, awesome guy from my past who really loves to eff up my future, and how I now have to go home for no good reason, and then my face started crying for like, I think it was at least four commercial breaks.  It was rough.  But I’m sure Chrisharrison totally didn’t sum up my abrupt departure to my family and friends by saying “Alison had to go home because she was here for the wrong reasons,” or anything like that, I’m sure of it.  I trust Chrisharrison and his unwavering dedication to truth-telling.

NEW TOPIC, IT START NOW!

SORRY, ME LOW ON WELL-CRAFTED TRANSITIONS AT MOMENT; ALL RESOURCES ARE BELONG TO RECAP

We introduced a fun, upbeat, super-lighthearted new series recently, on the topic of totally awful, horrible in-law situations that completely sucked/were hard.  And given the way our last real life story went over with y’all, I’m psickity-psyched to bring you yet another harrowing tale of what happens when families that are not equally prepared to merge… like totally MERGE anyway.

…. aaaaand, GO!  Oh WAIT wait wait, first, the disclaimer of sorts:

I think we all know that there are lovely, kind, wonderful in-laws out there, as well as go-with-the-flow in-laws, and not-very-involved in-laws…. clearly, since in-laws are people, naturally they come in all shapes, sizes, and personalities.  And many make a bride’s transition from girlfriend to wife easy breezy beautiful – even delightful in many cases! – and for these types of in-laws we are beyond grateful.  They disprove the reigning stigma.  Trust me, great in-laws do exist!  

Unfortunately, they don’t exist in all cases.  Even more, they are hardly the exception to the rule.  

Now, without further adieu, I introduce you to Miss M, and her story.

Why hello there, TKB readers! It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintances, and if I could reach through my monitor, I would definitely give you each a hearty handshake, and then pull you into a hug. Because I am a major personal space invader like that.

I’m here today to talk about in-laws. I’m sure that the mere reading of that wordage right there might have just sent some of you into a full body spasm. And I get it. Oh believe me, I get it. I am married to an amazing man; he’s kind, funny, a great cook, and he’s quite the studmuffin, if I do say so myself. I get a high five for snagging him and making him all mine. And then we have…the family. A group of people who seem to dally back and forth between thinking I’m awesome and being very irked with me for forking the family tree. Pun entirely intended.

Let me first regale you with the sordid tale of what I affectionately refer to as The Great Phone Chain Incident. Shortly after we got engaged I made a casual joke about my Italian family. Something about generally being loud and gatherings vaguely resembling scenes from My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding…only Italian, so there’s trippa in lieu of lamb on a spit. Somehow, a couple of aunts got “mafia” from that. No really…I said, “some of my relatives like to eat fish guts”, and they heard, “tick us off and you might wake up with a horse head in your bed”. And they called a couple other aunts who called grandma and mom. Who called my sweetie and asked if he really knew what he was doing getting involved with something like that. Now, we’re without volume control, we talk with our hands incessantly, and eat like we’ve gathered at a trough, but taking hits on people is not something we do a lot of. Unless you count annoying someone to death. We do a lot of that.

Next, we have The Birdseed Incident. (sidebar: I like using the word “incident”.) After being a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding, I learned the hard way that I was not a big fan of birdseed for exits. It sticks to everything and has a strange tendency to wedge itself in weird places. So when the time came for me to get married, I went an alternate route for our exit, and specifically said that I didn’t want birdseed. According to my MIL, you’re not really married if you don’t have birdseed. So she brought her own. Even though I point blank said I didn’t want any there. And then she distributed it to her friends. We were nearly to our car when I took an overhand throw to the face. My eyes were open, and so was my mouth. Our photographer, hoping to capture a sweet shot of us kissing, waving, etc… instead got a shot of my new husband trying help me get the seeds out of my eyes as I spat more seeds into the floor of the car. Sexy and romantic, no?

So now that we’re married, and throwing stuff at me isn’t a viable option, my MIL now likes to exercise her right to do whatever she pleases by calling her son an average of 14 times a day. More if her spidey sense kicks in and she thinks we’re on a date. It’s usually pretty life altering stuff, such as, “I saw on the news that a blue car was in a wreck, and I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t you”. Never mind that the blue car in a wreck was in another state. And I know that phone calls aren’t particularly invasive, but if he doesn’t answer, she’ll just hang up and call right back, until he finally answers. And if he still doesn’t answer? Well, then she’ll just come on over…because she’s “worried that something must be wrong because [insert name of my studly hubby] didn’t answer his phone”. And then there was the time that she nearly leg swept me to get back to the recovery room after my hubby had surgery before I could see him. Seriously, I have witnesses. There was sprinting and “oh no she di-in”’s involved. And Heaven forbid we leave her presence without her getting her hugs. We’ve pulled over into random parking lots to meet her for hugs more times than I care to count. I knew I’d made it when we had to turn around and go back to a restaurant because I got into the car before making my hug quota. At least I’m getting included.

Listen, I’m not trying to say that my husband has exactly walked into the most benign of situations. For 2 years running, my family has managed to spend a disconcerting amount of time discussing farting, naked people, and the word “nipple’ pretty much every time we’re all together. My 80 year old grandmother offered to jump out of a cake at his bachelor party, and I don’t really think she was kidding. My grandfather is prone to saying things so politically incorrect that I’m honestly embarrassed to type it out. We also consider no holds barred Jeopardy watching, with lots of yelling in the general direction of the TV, a majorly good time. We’re not exactly teeming with normalcy ourselves over here.

Strangely enough, we all really get along most of the time, and my husband and I rarely argue about familial issues. I’m not saying never… I think that comes with good communication sometimes. We can even intermingle the mob bosses with the chronic smotherers and it’s mostly pretty docile. So how in the world do we do that? Honestly, there’s not one great formula. If there was, I would have already written that book and would be relaxing on my private island in the Bahamas. We handle everything on case by case basis, and the solutions range from simply letting things go, to setting new boundaries, to a good friend who can totally relate and responds promptly to the “omg, I’m about to lose my s@!$ text, to things our families like to pretend we don’t do that we actually do all. The. Time. IfyaknowwhatImean.

So, what about you guys? I’m eager to hear what stories you have. Trust me… a good cyber-rant session is some of the best therapy money can’t buy. ;-)

xoxo  - Miss M

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