OMG that took forever right?  I’m such a batch.

Happy super late in the evening on Thursday, friendlies.  Actually that’s wrong– I think the clock just STRUCK MIDNIGHT, so what I meant to say is good morning on Friday!  Oh, quick note about Ben’s hair, I asked him to cut it and here’s how he reacted (such a whittle behbeh)–

Ok, NOW, hello and welcome to your episode six Bachelor recap, lovers.  Part 1.  I know you’ve been waiting a while for this, and I hope it brings you as much joy as it brought me to write it.  No wait that’s wrong– I hope it brings you the opposite of every feeling it brought me as I wrote it.  Yeah.  Ok that’s accurate.

LET’S BEGIN RIGHT NOW, SHALL WE?  Prefaces shmefaces.

Quick question actually.  Did anyone else’s mind immediately go to this video with each consecutive AND identical Casey S full body sadness cry that the show’s editors teased going into OMGLITERALLYEVERY commercial?  I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to mention that in this recap, since I was CERTAIN the news was related to some death in the family Casey S had just suffered.

But anyway, yay!  Wasn’t that.  It was just Chrisharrison and his buddies manipulating the storyline to increase drama.  Good ol’ manipulating the storyline – at least it’s something we’re used to!

OK.  The show begins, and I feel signs of blacking out coming on– oh but wait, CUE behbeh monkeh under a mommeh monkeh????  Yes yes, go on, I’m listening!!  Cue gorgeous waterfall??  Cue shots of unpopulated areas of beauty where locals are not permitted and affluent women and Paleolithic relics who most likely suffer from Brendan Frasier type claps can all date each other and wax hyperbolic 24/7??  Is this– could it be??

Wait, now cue corny, meaningless one-liners from a Geico caveman.  Ok, we’re watching The Bachelor, it is apparent.  DANGIT.  I got really excited that that Earth show Sigourney Weaver narrates was being shown in its place.  ALAS.

Anyway, the bevy pull up to their new digs, when Blakely asks: “is this where we’re really staying you guys?”  I know, I thought that too, Blake – can I call you that? – so yeah, Blake, I was like, seriously, are they really staying deep within a…

WHOOSIWHATSIT?  Turns out they are.  I’m loving you, Panama City!  Starting off strong, with a baby monkey and a hotel shaped like ladyparts.  You’re the best.  Lindzi says “it’s HUGE, it’s gorgeous.”  And that’s when I realize it’s also a phallic symbol.  You guys, we’re looking at the first ever manmade phallina structure in the world (someone fact check that for me; I’m just assuming this, thanks…).

BEN DELIVERS A DATE CARD TO THE BEVY

But not before saying a sweeping statement of sweepingly sweeping proportions:

BEN: “It makes me realize that this is working, and that there are signs of looove in the air.”

That’s when HONEY says: “ohh, he just led them ALL on, all at once.  They’re all on the hook, now.  Wow.”

So it’s business as usual, I see.  Aright, sounds good, let’s keep on breaking those hearts with that excessive force of yours, Ben.  You’re doing it right!

So yeah, anyway, Kacie B snags herself one of those one-on-one dates and then, totally normally, this happens:

Nah, you know what?  I don’t think it’s malicious; I recognize what Blakely’s doing– that’s how Bambino greets all of his friends when he rocks his swagger out on the town to drop some of those fresh poops.  He’s like, “hey, wussup, Mr. Wigglestein?  How’s it hangin’?  Nice and low I presume?  AhHAHYEEEAAHHH thasright, Wigglestein YOU KNOW WASSUP!”  And then, almost like clockwork, he simultaneously MANHANDLES WIGGLESTEIN, ENCAPSULATING HIM WITHIN HIS T-REX-ARM-LENGTH HUG-GRASP OF UNFATHOMABLE STRENGTH AND LONG-TERM COMMITMENT.  It’s pretty adorable, you should see it.

So it’s totally normal to me, seeing people full body clobber-attack others around the body and face.  It’s a sign of love and excitement and that’s ALL!

ONE-ON-ONE DATE, BEN + BEHBEH McWHITTLES

Ben and Kacie B walk to the airport and take a Delta flight over to– just kidding, they HELI it over to the private island or something of San Pas, Panama.  I like to call this date the “Thank goodness Kacie B looks good in a bathing suit” date.  She does look amazing in those two pieces, doesn’t she?  And the girl can stretch like a muthaflucka, AMIRITE?  She’s definitely got that going for her.  Kacie B has an amazing body let’s not worry about her conversational skills right now.

Now, part of me has a mind to think that LIDDLES MCBEHBEHKINS is actually outsmarting all of us.  Think about it; these one-on-one dates, they’re fear-born.  So either Kacie B’s worst fear is being stranded somewhere with a pleasant climate and ample tree-bound food, OR she’s the first to outsmart the system.  Let’s not bother answering which one we think it is; no need to hurt anybody’s feelings here.

Having stayed in school, Kacie B totally knew to bring along a wine bottle opener and some candy for their time stranded on an island surrounded by salt water.  See?  Stay in school, kids!  Invaluable knowledge awaits you there!

BEN goes: “Ohhh corkscrewwww!!!!!”  And  ”Ohhhhhh BAG O CANDY!!!!!”  And other stuff that makes him a great catch strictly based on his conversational skills.  Also, based on the way he’s responding to Kacie B, they have already developed their own BEHBEH language, much like twins who grew up together.  Things are working out; why was I so worried they wouldn’t have anything to say on this lonely island?

BEN: “if we can accomplish something like this together, I’m thinking, we can probably do anything.”

omg.  SO TRUE.  Private islands are the worst.  Amirite, people who don’t have private islands?  Seriously; when you get one of your own one day, tell me you don’t IMMEDIATELY HATE IT, the way no one is competing for the fish you think you caught amazingly, and the way the weather is perfect for being homeless, and the way there is fresh water and a Kraft sponsored snack table over by where the camera crew is hanging out in between filming.

GAAHH.  THE WORST!

BEHBEH: Today we figured out that “we can make it on our own.”

Today, Kacie B unsuckled herself from her mother’s teet, and stepped out into adulthood.  You guys I’m so prouda her!  Taking her first steps!  Awwww, MY WHITTLES, I KNOW EVERYBODY THINKS THEIR BABY IS A GENIUS, BUT YOU ARE REALLY A GENIUS.

BEN: We are a good little team.  Teamwork in a marriage is key, and I’d like to extrapolate the shite out of this vacation and apply it to 50 years of what will certainly be successfully living together.

COMMERCIAL / BAAAAAACKKKKKK

BEN: “My date with Kacie B was very fun, she… goes with the flow, and GOD, do I appreciate it.”  So true.  They’re really so hard to fiiiiiind; these aggressively passive, sedated girls without goals of their own… right Ben?  Or I’m just kidding and they’re actually everywhere you turn, just close your eyes and point.  See, this is where I don’t get why you haven’t found love already.  The only legitimate reason would be that you’re a vapid soulless human being who never learned what it is to be empathic and on a scale of 1 to 10 on the scale of human evolution you’re at about a 3.5 = juuuust starting to stand up and walk/make fire.

Listen.  You know what helps us through the tough times though? you know, when the vapid soullessness gets to be to much to bear?  Wine; wine reall–oh wait you probably already knew that.  Actually, your career fully makes sense now.

Ben tells the lens of a camera that he would like to start up with the more serious conversation, stating: “I’m hoping to dive in deeper and get into kind of more SERIOUS conversation.  That’s kind of my goal.”  He then states this exact same sentiment to Kacie B’s face IRL.  Ok!  Let’s see how this plays out.  Your move, BEHBEHKINS.

KACIE: “I like to be doing stuff all the time.”

WHOOAAAA!  Didn’t see that one comin’!  I mean, that’s–I do, too!  Like, sometimes I like to eat, and then other times I like to ski backwards, but then other times I DON’T really want to be skiing backwards but I still want to be doing something, so maybe I’ll go sit and watch tv, or eat again – that’s always a good option – and also, sleeping’s fun.  Also also, eating!  NO WAIT I said that one already, oops sorries!

Kacie B then tells Ben what *stuff* she’s all the time doing.

BEHBEH: “I like to go to the grocery store.”  Hahah.  Come on.

Seriously, come on.  You’re kidding me with this.

“Cook.  See my family.  Workout with friends.  You know.”

KACIE TO US: “I need to open up to Ben like I haven’t opened up to a guy in a long time.  And that scares me.”

COME ON.  This fruit is hanging so low it’s slapping me in the face and breaking on contact.  But I refuse to bite into it.  I had my moment when I called that hotel a vagina-shaped penis back there.  But that’s because IT WAS.  IT WAS a pen-ina.  And I am done with such talk.  For at least one commercial break I am done with such talk.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HEN HOUSE – DATE CARD TIEMPO!

Lindzi reads the card…

Emily

Nicki

Lindzi

Barefoot McDenimromper

Courtney

Jamie

JAMIE: “We realize that Blakely and Rachel are not on the group date, so therefore they’re definitely on the two on one date.”

You know, I was worried that when Erika The Lawyer was sent home, there would be no one to handle the deduction skills part of this show.  There’s serious math involved, with these dates and these cards, and with the figuring out of what it means if someone is not on a date card, and what that means for that person’s chances, should there be another date card later on in the show, and whether a two-on-one date is, in fact, a date involving two people, or three people, and if one, two, three or no people go home on those dates… you know, things like that.  Things of that sort.  So I gotta say, we’re really lucky that Jamie decided to take on that role.

JAMIE: “Blakely’s excited.  It’s bizarre.”

With the news of their involvement in the two-on-one date, here’s how the ladies are feeling:

RACHEL: Awwwwwkwaaarrrrrd.

BLAKELEY: *passes out twice and then adds that she passed out twice to the scrapbook.  (If you are a regular recap-reader, but don’t watch the show, AHAHAHHYOU’LLSEEWHATAHMEANLATER.)

BACK TO ONE-ON-ONE WITH BEN + BEHBEH

Now, I do wanna mention before I start mocking this date that I still think Ben and BEHBEH’s time would have been better spent doing one another’s hair back at the VagInn.  You’ll remember I suggested it last week.  Well, I stand behind it, still.  I’m prepared to say more so.

KACIE B: “People my age, I don’t always relate to.”

Ok this statement is either going to end with “… I feel that, when I’m babysitting, that’s when I can really be ME.”  OR it’s going to end with OHBOY, LOOKWHATITENDEDWITH:

KACIE B: “I don’t always feel as young as I am.”

Ben don’t laugh.  I’m sorry, I’m already laughing and I know laughing is contagious like vomiting and yawns, but you gotta keep it together–

BEN: “You seem so mature.”

*faints*

*comes to* Wow, sorry I just fainted, Ben, I was just shocked at your smoothness delivering that lie.  It’s– it’s almost like you… meant it?  Anyway nice save, forreals.  ……….. Wait you are kidding, right? though?  I’m just–I’m gonna go ahead and assume you’re kidding.  Very well played as long as you’re kidding.

Then this happens:

KACIE B: “In high school, I had an eating disorder and it shaped who I am.”

BEN: ……. HERE’S A ROSE HERE TAKE IT.  No, but seriously folks, I’M NOT TOUCHING EATING DISORDERS WITH A 30 FOOT POLE.  Leave those types of jokes to someone more base than me.  (So your first challenge here is to find someone who is more base than I am.  Second challenge: arrive at that person’s doorstep and deliver a Blakely-style slap to the face.)

Telling the lens of a camera about her date with Ben, BEHBEHLUH says this:

Not this again.  Sigh.  Ok, BEHBEH, is that– that’s around like… what, an 8?  What’s the conversion rate here; is it like metric to inches, or more like feet and yards.  Are we comparing oranges to oranges or apples to oranges?  Or is this more like bananas / banaynays.  I REALLY WANNA UNDERSTAND, BEHBEH, SO I CAN USE IT PROPERLY.  I’m reachable here; thanks in advance.

Let me just tell you, when BEHBEH delivered THAT little gem of a line, I lead a mini cheer squad in my mind over the renewed potential for seemingly limitless “Scale of 1 to 10″ uses in these recaps, going forward.  I felt the old version from that veritable Ray of Sunshine Jaclyn was getting a little tired, reaching its limit, and I was even starting to move into a new grief stage… until this arrived in my lap.  Thank you BEHBEH I could kiss you!  *PECKKK*  I just kissed you like Ben does, I hope you loved it!

BEHBEH ALSO SAYS: “I opened up… it was great… it signifies our growth together.  I didn’t expect my feelings for Ben to be so strong.  The more time I spend with him, the more I have feelings for him, and I feel like, we’re on the right track.”

Kacie, I couldn’t have said it in a more descriptive manner of how relationships naturally progress.

COMMERCIAL

During the commercial break I see a preview for some show that’s guest starring one of those Kim Kardashians and on a scale of one to wonderful, I am dismayed.  In Persian currency that’s ~ 50 rial.

GROUP DATE – SIMPLE DIRTY RIVER TRIBAL EXPERIENCE

24 MIN – On their way to what they were told is an assembly in the auditorium, the bevy walks in single file to meet OH BOY IT’S BEN IN A VERY LONG, THIN BOAT!  But never mind that; I’m more concerned with their approach to clothing.  They’re making some disconcerting decisions, decisions I haven’t faced since I was 16 years old.  Decisions involving, “do I wear the booty cutters that cut right UNDER my booty, or do I wear the booty cutters that curve *just right above the crack of* my booty.

Ben asks if the girls like his boat.  Casey’s expression reveals that she’s finally found the unicorn she’s been tracking all her life – and it is everything she hoped it would be – but Courtney, on a scale of one to wonderful– no wait this one’s on a scale of one to ten…

… the sight of Ben’s boat turns out to be visual ipecac for Courtney and she is on the verge of an overnight stay at the vomitorium.  And then I googled “vomitorium” because I was like, does this exist other than as a word inside of my mind? and turns out it does, but it’s not what I thought it was… well, anymore.  The modern use of the term is the area in an ampitheater where the crowd can easily empty out.  OH WAIT, I GET IT NOW!!!!!  Hahahha.

Fun Fact: Most of the stuff I write about Courtney in these recaps is born AFTER I randomly pause the program and it lands on her face doing something *unique.*  Go ahead, try it; 8 times out of 10 she’s summoning Jim Carrey back during his In Living Color days.  (Please tell me most of you know what “In Living Color” is, or I’m going to kill myself for no longer having relevant throwbacks.)

Because Panama hates Ben, the weather is a sultry mix of humidity, drizzle, and low hovering, thick mist.  For Ben, it’s a recipe for an epic bad hair day.  For Courtney?  It’s– for Courtney it’s– Courtney’s cumming-to-town you guys.

Next we see little boys running around, suspiciously with no little girls amongst them unless I just wasn’t looking closely enough (I do black out periodically during viewings of this show).

A whole situation develops out of something this lady below– wait what’s here name again?

Courtney pulls a cuh-lassic move that has become her namesake, and the girls surprisingly do NOT all fall in love with her this time.

In fact, the bevy gets really calmly irate about Courtney’s decision to nude it up under her chest piece.  And I almost get pretty frustrated by this move as well, as it signifies her aggressive and persistent need for attention and is yet another superficial attempt to guise a play for attention under the cloak of “I’m one of those laid back girls who just goes with the flow and just wants to be one with the earth,” but then Lindzi makes up the word “abrazing” and I black out for 10 minutes and miss the whole group date.

On a side note, I really wanna thank ABC for making sure to throw some cgi loin-cloths on those kids’ sexy tushies.  Little kids’ tushies are definitely inappropriate television, and I for one appreciate you blocking those children’s derrieres but then letting us help ourselves to a bite of this dulce de leche:

So is this what you would call the male version of smuggling acorns?  Except instead of acorns it’s… SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THAT.  WHY IS THERE A WEIGHTED SECTION OF LOIN CLOTH IN THE BACK OF HIS BODY.

36 MIN and we’re BACK FROM COMMERCIAL

After commercial, it’s the bevy chillaxing back at home, just having some girl time.  You know, reflecting on the day.  Or hating every minute of it.  I think it might be both.  And then we see Lindzi and Ben by the pool….

LINDZI: “I don’t believe in fighting.”  OMG RIGHT?  Honestly I don’t GET why fighting even exists anymore on this Earth, ’cause everybody knows that fights and fighting are one of those things that people can totally preempt by simply declaring that they have no use for the stuff early on in life.  It’s really so simple; just say “I don’t believe in [fill in the blank]” and it’ll be gone from your life.  For example, I think it was ten years ago when I decided “I don’t believe in going number two anymore.”  HAVEN’T. POOPED. SINCE.  Greatest decision of my life.  I’m sure lots of girls out there have done the same, since– actually, let me ask you significant others out there, how many of you have seen your girlfriend excuse herself to go take a crap?  I’d venture that it’s few to none.  And it’s all because your girlfriends, smart cookies they are, simply declared their decision never to bother with the stuff again!  And it’s not at all that they go a) when you’re not home, b) aren’t eating enough to support bowel movement regularity.  It’s neither of those things; it’s the magic thing!

Can I just say, just like, right here can I say that I actually really love Lindzi?  Can I say that?  Same thing with BEHBEH, you know this already.  But can I also say that I just really need these girls for whom I have so much love for to stop giving the producers so much to work with?  Can I ask that?  I really need you guys to work with me here.  You just can’t, like, in life, say “I don’t believe in fighting.”  Do you mean physical altercations, strictly?  Because then I feel you on that, I don’t believe in that s**t either, f**k no.  But if you mean the full spectrum of arguments/disagreements, then seriously WTF, Lindzi.  Was that one of those “I knew as it was coming out that it was ridic but I couldn’t stop” situations?  That’s the only excuse.  You, too, can reach me here with your answer.

At some point in his conversation with Lindzi, Ben reignites my distaste for him with: “You don’t wanna go back to dumpsville, eh.”  NICE ONE, BEN.  YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK.

KACIE B READS BLONDE AND BRUNETTE TWO-ON-ONE WITH A TYPE OF SERENE CALM THAT IS STARKLY IN CONTRAST TO THE MURDERS BOTH OF THESE WOMEN ARE COMMITTING IN THEIR MINDS.

Rachel: I’m not looking forward to this because Blakeley’s good at dancing and I don’t think we should be sexual with Ben because this isn’t about chemistry this is about FINDING LOVE. 

That’s not whatcha BOOBIES said, Rach.

Blakeley: AAHHHM AH DAAANCAAAA!

FLASH TO BEN STEALING COURTNEY AND COURTNEY BEING JUST LIKE A TOTAL SHOW-OFFY POOPYPANTS ABOUT IT

Ben, in general, to Courtney, all of the time: “I like everything you do.  Keep doing it.  Don’t stop doing it.  Especially the nude stuff.  Sister I am down, with the nude stuff.”

Courtney: “I’m planning on making some private time with him, no question.  I think he’s itching for it.  I am, too.”

Itching for it?  Or will he be itching following it.  You know where to reach me.

COMMERCIAL / AND WE’RE BACK

FLASH TO JAMIE BEING INTERVIEWED BY HERSELF WHILE FACING BEN

Jamie starts talking and it’s the conversational equivalent of the movie Speed, where Jamie is the city bus that has to keep its speed above 50 mph or everybody dies.  Except I feel I like I’m going to die WHILST she’s talking, if she doesn’t STOP.  But so yeah, this must be why she doesn’t talk much?  Because she can’t control it?  The weird thing is that usually it’s the people who don’t talk very often, who decide to speak up only when they have something important to say.  Anyway, I had higher hopes for Jamie, hopes that came crashing down when she decided to become the Matchbox Man.  After listening to 30 seconds of her talking I’m more interested in becoming Honey Boo Boo Child’s live-in trainer and existing on a strict diet of Go Go Juice, Doritos and her mother’s painful childhood memories.

Ben can’t pay attention to Jamie because she’s not interesting he’s distracted by Courtney who has arrived in a bathing suit.  Your instinct is to get mad at him, but please note that his behavior here is understandable; due to Ben’s prehistoric DNA make-up, which is unique to him, he has not yet developed the finer reasoning skills and focus that come with countless years of human evolution into modern day.

Y’know what, you guys?  I think I’m really gonna miss that section of my readers that just left who don’t believe in human evolution.  We had fun here.  It was all fun and games and asterisked curses and references to sexuality and having sex and Vagina Hotels and then I had to go and blow it with *the truth about evolution.*  I’m really sorry about that.  And if you’re still reading and you don’t agree with me about evolution, well, then, you’re awesome and we need to hang out and have tea over innocuous subject matter that does not lead into talk of religion or politics STRICTLY ENFORCED.

Ok, now here’s what Jamie says when she’s interviewed about Ben’s meandering eyeballs…

JAMIE: “Let’s face it, if Brad Pitt was standing behind him, I’d have trouble focusing as well!”

Jamie, revisit that statement when you’re not bombed and think about what you’re saying here.  Because ANYONE.  Any man, or thing, would distract me from this thing we’re calling The Bachelor this season.  When I look at him?  On a scale of one to wonderful, I throw up a little bit in my mouth.  And believe it or not, it’s hardly anything to do with his face at this point; it’s his cold coldness, that is oh-so cold to the touch.  To borrow the timeless words of a very smart man named Dave Chapelle, this guy is COLD-AS-ICE.

COMMERCIAL / AND WE’RE BACK!

Ben grabs Emily to have a talky-poo1, Emily makes a funny, followed by Emily having no transition from budding comedienne to admiring lover, followed by a kiss that’s totally not fully awkward at all.

BEN: “I know you were a little involved in other people’s business… are we– are we past that?”

EMILY: “You know, I just… I want to focus on you, and I feel like I’m back, and my mind is in the right place, and it’s a lesson, and I’M GOING TO HAVE YOU KISS MY FACE WEIRDLY NOW.

*i closed my eyes during this, being that it was unbearable*

THEN THE WEIRDEST THING HAPPENS……… I call it the scene where I keep yelling “Emily stop it.  Stop.  STOP THAT.  NO SERIOUSLY– OMFG stop apologizing RIGHT NOW!!!!!”

ENGAGE: Emily apologizing to FACE OF A MODEL — here’s the MODEL’s face during it, just for a point of reference; something to imagine whilst you read.

EMILY: “I was wrong about you, Courtney.”

COURTNEY: “Well I appreciate you being direct with me, because I respect that…”

EMILY: “Well I–

COURTNEY: “LEMME FINISH“

EMILY: [silent, her expression evidences fear and loathing]

COURTNEY: “@!!$%&%!&^#%$!^(#&%*(*@^%@*&*)@!#(*)!($^&$!@

….. and that’s why you’re still going to die at my hand.”

This is when Ben comes over, grabs Lindzi and takes her to a different location (ladies this is never a good idea) but then he gives her the rose and offers his tongue for insertion:

I think it’s around here where we find Courtney getting ready for the sex portion of the group date.

So, like I said, Courtney is beautifying herself and hoping Ben visits her vagina.  Actually, I’m not sure if this is when that happened, to be honest I’m freaking out a little right now because I’m on my second viewing of the episode and I think I’ve seen only one Casey S crying teaser.  F WORD!  I have so much left still to go.  I kind of would like to die.  But I’m gonna soldier on because I’m really worried YOU GUYS will kill me if I don’t.  Not like really worried, but… sort of.  You wouldn’t kill me over a recap not being as funny as a previous week’s…. would you?  Maybe no one should answer that, if it’s going to scare me.

During this scene where Courtney’s doing her typical pre-murder face-beautifying ritual (I think it involves a lot of carrots), Honey generates a comment he can’t hold back:

HONEY SAYS: “Ok she’s got to be an actress.  Or her mom was just NOT present.”

I have no comment on his comment.

ENGAGE FEELING SUPER BAD FOR COURTNEY FOR A MINUTE BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T GET THE SEX AND ALSO BECAUSE SHE’S HAD BAD EXPERIENCES WITH MEN

COURTNEY: “I want someone who treats me the way that I wanna be treated.”  Courtney has a good point here.  Unfortunately, Courtney missed one of those important memos we get in kindergarten about how you have to do that unto others to receive it.  Maybe she needs to be left back into kindergarten?  Listen it couldn’t HURT, is all I’m saying.  Doing kindergarten over.  Though she’d probably just get naked.  Seems to be her thing, getting naked around the littles.

We’re heading into commercial here, but not before we’re teased with Blakeley saying “I’m not gonna let Rachel get in the way, of me.”  yeah, I mean that’s cool.  Or, “get in my way,” y’know, works, too.  But you know either or, really.

COMMERCIALANDWE’REBACK! / TWO-ON-ONE WITH BEN AND BLAKELY AND SMOKERS ANONYMOUS

With two glorious members of the bevy in hand, Ben tells us he’s excited to go down to a “Local Latin lounge” with the ladies…. you master of alliteration, you.  Oooh, Ben, you just turned me on a little bit there.  I love a man who knows how to play with his language.  Speaking of playing with languages, allow me to be highly inappropriate here for a second, as they head into the lounge and are met by their salsa dance instructor, Sammasomething James I’m pretty sure it sounded like.

DANCE INSTRUCTOR: “Welcome.  My name is Salmonila James and today I’m goin to teesch you SALSA!  Ok?  The Salsa ees energetic, ehpassionate an de moss importan’ think, is sexy.  De way thah you move wihh your partner, show you eef you haf chemistry.  Good, or not.”

They change into some amazing dresses that I think they were real sports not to complain about, and begin…. TO DAAAAANCE.  Blakeley shows us that she’s much better at this than Rachel is, and Rachel IS NOT AMUSED.

RACHEL: “Blakely uses her sexuality a LOT with Ben, I don’t particularly know why she does that.”

LOL. OMG LOL, Rachel.  You are en fuego.  En fuego!  With the one liners and totally hilarious statements of nonsensical hilarity and non-truths about what is and what isn’t the right way to show a guy you are interested in him.  But you’re not– umm…. you’re not with the dancing, though.  You are very not *en fuego* with that.

In fact…

… one would think that Blakeley is running away with this date, and not letting you, in the way, get, of her, way.

I guess we’ll just have to tune in in a bit for Part 2 of this episode’s recap, which I’m like so furiously working on right now as you read this and I expect it to be done tomorrow on the earlier side of things.  Also, I’m probably gonna post a WEDDING??!!  Because I seem to remember that this is A WEDDING BLOG, ALSO???!!!!

Also also, Bambino has something to say:

:)

Ok, please, you, to me, give feedback?  It is my only sustenance as I work to complete Part 2 of this amazing, amaaaaazing, super sophisticated show that I’m so proud to watch.

xoxo  - Alison

Hello and welcome to your early Monday morning edition of The Bachelor Recap of Episode 6, Part 2.  Yeah, this is happening.  I know, right?  I can’t believe it either.

Ok.  I want to start off with a couple of important notes/corrections regarding your Episode 6 recap, in order from least to MOST important.

1) At one point, I referred to the VagInn last Friday as a “vagina-shaped penis.”  I have since realized that this is an erroneous description.  The VagInn is in fact more of a “penis-shaped vagina,” since you’ll note that it is a long, narrow, erect edifice, with labia built into the structure and a facade the color of flesh.  It is CLEARLY at its base a phallus, the vaginal aspect being simply an architectural nuance after the builders already had the concept and financial backing in place.  The labia were possibly even a demand from the investors, after the physical foundation had been laid.  So, I would like to apologize for that error.

Hehehe… laid.

2) This one is the important one.  On a rare serious note in these recaps – and I promise I’ll get to the rest of this recap shortly; I just feel like I need to explain this pretty big issue to you guys first…

Among all of your kinder than mothereffing kind comments – seriously, thank you for those, your comments were freaking KIND, y’all – on the last post, I happened to be very, very effected by one line in particular from an individual named Jason, who closed his comment with a particularly relevant assertion that had a serious and lasting impact on me, and is in fact the reason I decided to take a brief break over a portion of the weekend from finishing Part 2 of this two-parter.  His statement: “Don’t feel too much pressure to “produce” or you’ll get overwhelmed. Keep being your honest and funny self.”

Jason’s words reached into my soul, shook it, and then reminded me that while producing fun content for your readers is important, it’s also, if not more so, important for me to chill out somewhere that’s not in front of a tv screen and a computer, and not force myself to work through the night and all Saturday to make sure I produce something in a short enough time period for the internet to be happy with me.  I always have major fun with you guys recapping, it’s been a delight, but it’s also time-consuming, and in this past week my schedule was so full of non-Bachelor-related stuff, too, that finishing this recap became much more of a burden than an enjoyable project for me.  I was dreading finishing.  Seriously dreading it.  Not whether or not I could produce it, but whether or not I could devote the sheer time it takes me to put out something I feel good about without going clinically insane from the intense sustained focus and lack of sleep that results from having a fuller than full week.  There’s a time and a place for all things, and even I have to take some me-time to recharge the ol’ blogging batteries.  And that means not spending hours with the show on pause to make sure I blood-let my brain sufficiently of all of its mockelets.  I need to keep some of those mock– platelets para mí, so I can survive through to the next round.  I truly, truly, truly hope that you all feel me, and that you understand where I’m coming from and that you’re down with the R&R I took for myself over the weekend.  Taking the weekend for me and my wee family is what keeps me sane, and *sanity* is the only difference between me and these women on this season of The Bachelor.  Once that goes… well I don’t even wanna think about that.

Anyway, so… Bygones?  I hope so.  The other thing I hope is that this recap part 2 is at all funny.  Like, at all. Honestly I can’t even tell anymore.  At this point I feel like I’ve lived the show, that I’m a character within the plot and that I no longer exist outside of reality television.  That is a scary place to be, and believe me, I have already cried once this weekend.

IT IS NOW TIME TO GET THE PARTY STARTED.  YOUR PART 2, MY FRIENDS WHO HOPEFULLY HAVEN’T TURNED TO ENEMIES NOW, IS READY……….

DURING EATS WITH THE MINIBEVY, BEN REQUESTS THAT RACHEL JOIN HIM FIRST, TO TALK PRIVATELY

Knowing the order of events with regard to a typical end of show proposal and how typically it’s the first person with whom he speaks who ends up getting sent home, Blakeley sees this whole being left behind thing as a win, and she is glowing, shimmering even, with delight.

Upon closer inspection we realize it’s just some reflective gold shimmer leftover from a recent *performance*.  But upon even closer inspection, we realize that that was very mean to say, and so instead, her cheeks are most likely shimmering from the gold dust she was gluing onto her “Belize” page.  If you don’t watch the show but read the recaps, then you don’t know what this means yet but you will in a few, and you will go, “ohhh ha, ok.  aright I guess that’s funnyish.”  And I will agree with you, because they can’t all be winners.

Once safely inside the Scrapbooking Room, they begin to discuss how the date went and whether their relationship is developing faster than the one he has with Blakeley.  By “developing” he means “are you gonna dance up on me the way Blakeley does, because I think dancing up on me is a good indicator of whether or not we’d be able to rise to challenges in our marriage down the road.  He goes on to say “and Rachel, by “rise,” I mean face those HARD challenges HEAD on.  And by HARD and HEAD on, I mean– Rachel you should be getting what I’m saying by now.  Jump up on it now, quick; before I send you home in a couple of weeks as has been schedul–no, I mean WHAT?  WHO’S GOING HOME? NOT YOU!  Aright, look down… Little Ben-icio Del Torro is ready for you now because lying to women turns me on.

Rachel tells Ben that she wholeheartedly likes him and wants to be here…

RACHEL: “There’s something great here, and I think it can be so much greater than it is.”

AND THEN BEN SAYS, and I quote: “ay yai yai yai yai.” … while looking up and away in one of the least overtly offensive eye rolls I’ve personally ever seen executed in my adult life.  I couldn’t have done it myself.  He is truly a master at inauthenticity.  He is also a master at getting me to go “EWWWW!” —

NOW IS THE PART WHEN BEN TAKES BLAKELY OFF TO F**K PRIVATELY TALK PRIVATELY

BLAKELEY, to Ben: “For the first time, I just feel– I just really FEEEEEEL something.”  ”See I just got these boobies last year but for some reason it’s taken like for EVER for the swelling and nerve-damage to go down.  Anyway, they’re finally ready for handling– y’wanna touch ‘em?  It’s ok, I don’t even feel like they’re MINE anymore.  I’m just like, go ahead, everyone can enjoy them now!  Hahahahaahahahah TOUCH THEM, PLEASE, I’M BEGGING YOU.”

BEN: “Yeah, you’ve changed, and you’re a bit different, and more open, and I noticed those things…”

HONEY: ”… and I did NOT like what I saw.”

Honey has this annoying habit of often finishing Ben’s sentences with the truth.

BLAKELEY, now cry-talking from a cramped position directly underneath the immovable weight of her emotions regardless of whether they are good or bad, says: “EVERYWHERE I’VE GONE… I ALWAYS TRY TO PICTURE IT JUST ME AND YOU… AND…. I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU BEFORE I EVEN GET TO KNOW YOU….” so yeah I’m just gonna go ahead and start doing that thing that I do that makes that a consistent self-fulfilling prophecy in my life.

At this point I am immediately overcome and I say “there is a scrapbook here.  There is a scrapbook HEEEERRRE, it is CLOSE, and IT’S GONNA HAPPEN.”  Kristen Bell has a similar ability when sloths are near.  With me it’s whenever a girl is about to frighten a guy into breaking up with her on the spot.

I hope you were watching this scene closely, friends, because this was one of those rare times in nature when we can actually pinpoint with undeniable precision the exact moment when a relationship turns to over.  What confuses me is that the VIP waitress thing was WORKING for her.  He likes VIP cocktail waitress Blakeley.  So why she would switch gears into obsessive crafter/stalker Blakely just doesn’t make any sense to me.  My head is spinning.

When I pause the scrapbook scene to take a picture, Honey notices something, and it is right here Honey really proves what a necessity he is during these viewings.  He is my eyes, when I cannot see.  And since I’m blacking out fairly frequently he is my eyes often.

HONEY: “wait… are those things adjectives describing Ben?  See there, around his name.”

This is where the show gets paused for a considerable amount of time because this is when I go up to the screen to inspect his claim, see that it’s true, and start reading off the adjectives out loud.  Being that they are written all around Ben’s name at playful angles, I have to twist my body and my neck/head quite a ways around to catch the ones that are legible, and this causes me to have to contort so severely, that I end up in a sort of arms-hugging-my-shins, head-almost-between-my-knees upright fetal position, and I’m also laughing hysterically at this point, which is an awkward and very ‘testing-of-your-pass-out-threshold’ kind of thing to do.  I don’t recommend it if you’re not 19 anymore.  Anyway so I’m still reading off the adjectives and at this point I’m laughing even harder now only because Honey is ALSO laughing hysterically at the whole situation of the scrap book and so ultimately, and as you should have anticipated, we both simultaneously blacked out from what we now know was a near-lethal cocktail of laughter, unnatural body contortions, and unforeseen sadness-by-proxy.

BLAKELEY OPENS TO THE FIRST PAGE OF HER SCRAPBOOK   (<— is this… this is really happening?)

She then says… AND I QUOTE… : “This is me *seeing myself* with you in San Francisco.  Like, when I was there I LITERALLY put myself in that position.”  Ben’s hoping his expression is saying this:

But anybody other than Blakeley can tell that what’s is really saying is “at this point I’m actually not so sure I will get out of this alive.”

I would like to comment that it’s just amazing to me that there are women out there who are actually doing and saying these things.  First Rule of Date Club is you don’t make him a scrapbook.  Second rule: if you couldn’t help yourself and you went ahead and made that scrapbook we told you not to make, for chrissake don’t f**king SHOW HIM THE THING.  Third rule: did you show it to him?  You’re out of Date Club.  You don’t get to date people anymore.

BLAKELEY: “This is less of a dream, and more of a reality for me.”

BEN: “Wow this is… this is ongoing… I mean THIS IS GREAT!”  - you guys these are pretty much direct quotes.

Here’s how I could have summed up this whole date using what I learned in that math logic class I hated in college.  Here goes: If  Blakeley shows Ben a scrapbook of their experiences together up until this point, and Ben isn’t a six-year-old other girl in her Brownie troupe, then Ben picks Rachel.

When Ben gives Rachel the rose, Blakeley almost immediately blacks out from her sadness and then sleepwalks out of the restaurant hoping to escape any continued sadness potential.  Best thing she could have done, in my opinion.  Just GTFO of there, stat.  But she’s obviously forgotten who she’s dealing with; Ben doesn’t let you off the hook so quickly.  He is in Panama as a missionary, having given his life for the greater cause of Ending Things Badly.

BEN: “Blakely, could you just– Blak–Blakely, could–could you slow down… could you just….. could you just go with the flow?  GOD I appreciate it when women do that, instead of have emotions.  I can’t risk being with a woman who has convictions that could get in the way of her devotion to me and little 3 inch Ben-icio WAIT WHAT, I MEAN WHAT, I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING, WHAT, WHO WHAT? HAHAHAHAH JUST KIDDING HEY LET’S CHANGE THE SUBJECT NOTHING’S WRONG WITH MY PEEN.  Oh FYI Blakeley, the heli’s for me and Rach; that Razor scooter over there’s for you.  Yeah– the one that stray cat is peeing on.  Don’t forget to plug Razor scooters in your outro; thanks!  Oh and also don’t let anyone film you dancing erotically while thrusting yourself into his body cavity once you leave the show.”

TOO LATE.  (It exists, but I’m not mean enough to link to that video; sorries.)

This whole departure scene between Ben and Blakeley all sounds eerily familiar to the way it went down between Ben and Ashley last season after she rejected his proposal, if I remember correctly.  And I am reminded of how I just really, really love Ben’s commitment to being a 24/7 hypocrite.  He’s truly devoted to holding up the tenets of hypocrisy, and commitment in any form is an admirable trait.  It’s like he’s like, if you’re gonna call me a hypocrite, I wanna at least be guilty of it, at all times.”  And after he says that to me, he then says “Chrisharrison, remove her from my sight.”  And Chrisharrison goes “yesss, sire,” asks me to remove my shoes and “put on this romper,” puts his hand on the small of my back, and then escorts me to a courtyard where a helicopter is waiting for me to cry inside of it.

IF YOU WEREN’T SURE OF WHO GOT THE ROSE ON THAT DATE…

Overconfident coming off of a recent meeting with Fox about becoming the new voiceover talent behind cartoon characters Marge Simpson and her sisters, Rachel coughs out some of the bitchiest words possible regarding Blakeley’s departure, and in doing so she forcibly lays to rest any residual misgivings I still had from the beginning about the quality of her character.

As we feel a commercial coming on, the teasers continue, horribly, painfully, ever so redundantly… possibly even at internet-meme-generating-level, and we start seriously worrying about / getting really excited to find out about / feeling sort of bad for getting really excited to find out about what’s gone so wrong in Casey S’s life.

COMMERCIAL / AND WE’RE BACK

We return from commercial to an image of the Fffaagina Hotel & Resort and we notice a “TV PG L (for Language)” emblem in the upper left hand corner.  ABC are you warning viewers of the inappropriate language that the mere IMAGE of this hotel is SPEAKING to them, just through the sheer orificeness of its appearance?  Ohhh YOU’RE GOOD.  YOU’RE GOOD.  Well done.  Babies’ tushies and phallina hotels get warning signs or blocked.  But not those second-peens sprouting from the rectums of cavemen.  ABC, is this a National Geographic kind of rule in play?  Like, because Ben is a relic from the Paleolithic era, and therefore you don’t see him as fully human/needing to be blurred?  Y0u know– in the same way that National Geographic doesn’t see tribal women as inherently human, and therefore does not mind sharing their breasteses on their front covers?  Is there like, a memo I can take a look at, that describes in detail what you are and are not to bleep/block/warn of?  I’d be very interested to have that information.  I feel it holds many answers.

THE GIRLS SEE BLAKELEY’S LUGGAGE GO BYE BYE

Jamie is talking now and, like most, I have at this point received so much of her voice that I’ve actually developed what is typically understood to be the male-specific trait of effectively blocking out the sound of a woman’s voice when she is speaking directly to him.  In fact, when Honey saw me heading towards any scene involving her he immediately got up and went to take care of something.  Once it was a shower.  Another time it was to walk Bambino.  Another time he just hid behind the linen closet door asking, “is it over yet?”

Heh.  You think I’m kidding.  I’m not kidding.

Interestingly enough, the only way for men to be snapped out of that aforementioned voice-block is for a woman either to say “did you hear me?” or “whatever, forget it.”  These two phrases are coded into the trait as raising alarm, that something has gone wrong and the male must make a sound in order for everything to return to normal/not become *a situation*.  The More You Know.  #rainbowgraphic

ENTER CHRISHARRISONFACE.  TOTALLY NATURALLY OUT OF NOWHERE.

CHRISHARRISONFACE: (awkwardly because he knows in his heart that it’s wrong) “Hey… hey, guys, HOW’S PANAMA??  Good? Yeah?  Has it–it’s been a good week?  CASEY I NEED YOU.  BAREFOOT.  ROMPER.  NOW.” Or maybe some other, better joke instead of that weak reference to So I Married An Axe Murderer that probably fell flat since it was so, so weak, until of course I explained it, therefore ruining it in the process.  Ah, jokes!

Chrisharrison is escorting Casey S down the hallway when Casey, WEIRDEDTHEF**KOUT, asks, “where are we going?”  But she doesn’t know that he can’t explain anything to her yet, since he’s been instructed to take the girl to a location where everyone including that behbeh monkeh and mommeh monkeh can eavesdrop from the trees.  So instead of answering, he applies his hand to her lower back at which point she says

hahah no I wish she had said that.  What happened instead is that she stared blankly into the far, far off distance.  Aka, business as usual.

When the two find a place outside to talk, where everyone can see them, he is ready to explain.  His front hair now almost completely enveloping his face at this point, Chris decides to pull some tactics from his night gig as a bad seed NYPD riot cop who is much less interested in excuses and much more interested in Executing The Plan Handed Down From The Top, and proceeds to shovel the below *piece de resistance* into her face since she gave him a little attitude back there.  And also because the show’s moving a little slowly so they needed to up the drama with a contrived twist and WHO CARES IF SOMEBODY GETS EMOTIONALLY DAMAGED FOR LIFE, THIS IS TELEVISION.  TELEVISION!  It’s bigger than all of us!

CASEY: “…well, he’s my EX-boyfriend, my EX.”

CHRISHARRISON: “Yeah– yeah ok CASEY it really doesn’t matter this thing is already in play so just STFU.”  And then he goes on to tell her that this saint of an ex-boyfriend of hers told him that they’re still in a relationship.  And I immediately side with the ex-boyfriend.  Because if the not-famous-and-not-on-television-right-now-ex-boyfriend says it’s true, IT MUST MEAN IT’S TRUE.  If you’re gonna rely on ANYONE for the truth of a situation you gotta go with the prick ex-boyfriend right?  You gotta go with the guy who doesn’t care for her in the long-term but enjoys a little mind control when the incessant masturbation I’m assuming he prefers starts to rub things a little raw.

HONEY SAYS: “Whoever her ex-boyfriend is, he is A COMPLETE ASSHOLE, who doesn’t want to marry her, but wants to f**k up any shot she has of finding love with someone else.”

I agree with Honey, and it’s very sad.  First Lindzi, then Courtney, and now Casey with the exceptionally unfortunate relationship histories.  Forget Bachelor Pad; I feel ABC needs to get some kind of Bachelor Group Therapy show in R&D.  I think I’d watch that.  Like, willingly.  (By “R&D” I mean Rent another mansion and Dump these girls inside with Dr. Drew Pinsky… or me.  And I’d like to get that Honey Boo Boo Child in the mix, too.  I feel she’s probably at about the same point in emotional development as a few of these women so might as well kill two birds, y’know?)

So Casey and Chrisharrison talk this thing out, and here’s exactly how it goes:

CHRISHARRISON: LISTEN, YOU’RE STILL IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL.  ARIGHT??!!!!   YOU DON’T WANT TO BE IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL BUT YOU ARE, OKKKKK?  Aright good it’s settled let’s go talk to Ben.  … No, yeah that’s right I’m coming.  No… no that won’t make it weird.  No, why would– listen I’m coming that’s not a variable here, just let’s GO.

In that scene we find that Chrisharrison’s attempt to play the role of bully cop to Casey’s innocent-child-who-was-upstairs-sleeping-when-the-murder-took-place goes off without a hitch.  In fact…

YOU COULDN’T HAVE DONE IT BETTER IF IT HAD BEEN SCRIPTED THAT WAY, ABC.

THE SCENE WHERE CASEY’S BRAINWASHING MANIFESTS INTO HER SELF-DISMISSAL

So Chrisharrison and NoShoes McSacrifice arrive at Ben’s room, and it’s clear that Ben had no prior notice of this happening because his hair is just COMPLETELY out of hand.  Just COMPLETELY.  But, already in front of the cameras, Ben sighs and decides to do nothing about it for the rest of this season as well as retroactively via time travel.  Because screw it, now everyone’s seen it THIS way, what’s the point, right?  AND THAT’S HOW IT HAPPENS.

Casey S begins, WITHOUT PRODDING, to tell the story of how I kind of maybe but probably not but I mean still possibly so I should mention it at least, have some residual feelings for a dbag who has only the worst intentions and won’t actually marry me ever.  And she apologizes for all of this.  And is near tears.  And, through her about-to-be-tear-covered face, Casey tells Ben some of the saddest, saddest, SADD. EST. stuff, all the while like I said, apologizing for it all, but also trying to figure what the hell she’s been forced into doing here because WTF, why am I being forced to leave a show I really want to be on, with a guy I like, just because my ex boyfriend crapped out a lie about us still hanging out together???!!!

If you want to know what sparked that quarter-life-crisis I am right here right now predicting that she is going to have within the year, it is this moment in this show.  Contact me for the over-under.  I have no idea what I’m talking about I’ve just always wanted to say “the over-under.”

Absorbing all of Casey’s words, Aretha Ben Franklin does everything we have come to expect of him at this point.  He’s really good at helping us solidify our distaste for him.  He leaves nothing to chance.

BEN: “I don’t sugar coat things, and, I think that you should go home.”  Casey agrees with him verbally, and then Ben goes “OH THAT WAS MORE OF A DECLARATION THAN A REQUEST FOR OPINION.”  And then asks Chrisharrison to escort her out by giving him the sign they arranged earlier in the show.  Here’s the sign:

Did you see it?  The sign is whenever he gives the face of a petulant child.  Chrisharrison has been trying to get him to change their sign though because he seems to give off that face more often than he realizes, and it’s been very confusing for Chrisharrison.

Chrisharrison soon realizes what he has to do, and he proceeds to assist Casey S out of the room and into the best exciting twist Chrisharrison, himself, has ever pulled off in the history of the show.  He’s starting to write for them now, and his first contributed scene, which he both starred in AND directed, couldn’t have gone better.  I feel an award nomination coming on you guy– OH F**K THAT’S RIGHT IT’S A SECRET, THE SCRIPTING’S A SECRET.

On the way to the van-of-cries-and-rapid-departures, Casey needs some consoling, and guess who’s there to give it.

This episode will go down in history as the most elaborate plan ever hatched in order to get a pretty girl to want to hug you.  Somebody’s got some elaborate fetishes, you guys.  E-LABorate.  I know the easy accessibility of porn these days has upped the ante for a lot of people as far as what gets their goat, but this is pretty elaborate, my friend.  Was the reality show factor part of the fantasy?  Or was it just a means to an end?  Chrisharrison don’t answer that.

CUT TO: Chrisharrison returning to the rapidly-dwindling bevy’s room immediately after shoving the Barefoot Contesstant into a van, before which she could not pass go, and could not collect goodbyes.  She was shoved out the door, ruthlessly and to be honest I’m actually slightly worried about her and her mental well-being after being at the center of this *exciting twist*.

AND NOW, IT’S TIME TO GET FANCY, WITH YOUR HOST, JAMIE.

Upon the second viewing of this scene in the past two days, when Honey saw her face, and he realized what scene I was on, he ran out of the room saying “no.  NO.  NO.”  (I don’t make this stuff up.)

I, too, wanted to run out of the room and maybe have sex, or eat dinner again, or go grocery shopping, or hang out with friends, or cook, or hang out with Bambino, or play Scrabble with Honey and maybe win this time… anything but watch this scene AGAIN.  I feel like I could recite this show to you, from any point in the show, and any character’s line in that scene.  That is my reality now.  I am not proud of this in the least; I am simply stating facts here, facts that haunt me and lead to many sleepless nights staring at the ceiling wondering how I ever arrived at the gates of such an Earthly Hell but I digress.

JAMIE SAYS “I will be aggressive.” And we’re off.

She tells him, “I feel as if I haven’t even really shown how much I like you.  I’m sorrrry for that!”

Ok.  Here’s the thing.  There was approximately A LOT of talking, and instructing, and movement, and awkwardness that unfolded in this scene where Jamie decides to take things into her own hands.  I can’t BEEEAAARRR to rehash all of it since I am now literally into the wee hours on Monday morning and I HAVE to go to sleep so that I can wake up at an appropriate time for a business woman.  Ok, here we go with the big finish…

JAMIE: “When I go to bed at night, I think about you often, and I think about the things I would like to do with you.”

BEN: OH?

JAMIE: “Yeah.”  ”I had really big plans.  Want me to show you?”

BEN: (in his mind) “no, not really.”

JAMIE: “Ben, I have a really big surprise for you…”

(And I’m like OH NO WHAT’S THE SURPRISE WHY IS SHE OPENING HER LEGS FOR THIS SURPRISE…)

And then Jamie embraces him and Ben has to move out of the way of her hair, but what you don’t see is that Jamie, too, has to move around Ben’s hair because he is also a girl.

She then begins a two-hour graduate level course lecture on Modern Day Flirting but instead of it being sexy or informative in any way it’s more like your Mom is teaching you how to be sexy but she’s showing you on your Dad, and you’re trying to take her seriously because you know how much it means to her to teach you but it’s all you can do not to end up in a fetal position on the floor shouting incoherently and just hoping it will all be over soon.  But then it takes up an entire segment of the show and for the first time in your life you’re begging for a Leap List commercial.

But it never comes.  All that comes is:

JAMIE: “And then I was gonna be like, ohh, can I sit on your lap?”

JAMIE: “And then I was gonna make out with you.”

BEN: You went from zero to 60!

JAMIE: “oh that was more like 50.  That was 50.”

BEN: 50?  OMIGOD.

JAMIE: “Open mouth?  Closed mouth?”

JAMIE: “First we’ll open.  Then we’re gonna close.”

BEN: I don’t know how this is gonna go.

JAMIE: “No we’re gonna plaaaaannnnn it, it’ll go fine!”

JAMIE: I really wanted to have a great kiss with him and I TOLD HIM THAT.”  - see, the fact that Jamie is NOT saying that to us with personal disgust after some self-reflection, but is, instead, sharing that statement and fully believing in it having been the best approach to this situation, and that therefore the outcome was baffling to her…. well…. Ben, send her home.

ROSE CEREMONY ENGAGE

BEHBEH WHITTLES and Rachel go into this with roses.  After talking gibberish, Ben proceeds to pass out roses a-like a-so:

Nicki. – “yes thank you.”

Courtney – (runs over, says…) “I shalll.”

Then, for a moment, Ben mentally reconsiders the decision he’s been told to make regarding who is going to receive this final rose… but, looking out of the corner of his eye and catching the eye of a producer…

He is stare-forced into staying on plan.  Honestly, I wish the producers would guide him MORE.  This guy is a newborn baby on a scale of one to emotionally developed.

In her exit interview, Jamie says: “I’ve never met a guy like him.”

NEITHER HAVE WE, SWEET CHILD O’ MINE.  NEITHER. HAVE. WE.

ARIGHT, OFF TO BELIZE!

But first, a little story about a wine maker named Ben.  Take it away Emily with the best line of the night… oh and for the record, you’re doing it right.

“And when the local music plays we’ll dance ‘tiiil we’re dizzy, Don’t worry about your hair mine also gets kiiiind of frizzy.”

That was my favorite line.

It was NOT Ben’s favorite line.

(Ben doesn’t like “the truth.”  It chaffes him… down there.  Especially in humid climates, so he’s been trying especially hard to avoid it throughout this whole season, understandably.)

On a final note, this rap means that Emily is the greatest catch in the history of catches.  She just, maybe, isn’t the choosiest.  That, my friends, is her Achilles’ Heel.

At the very end of the show, TiVo prompted me either to delete The Bachelor, save The Bachelor, or watch an African Village get its first well.  I chose the well.  It cleansed me.

LESSONS: What did we learn today, friends?  Well, for one, we learned that…….. oh right hahah!  We again learned nothing.  Thanks, reality television, for always enriching our lives!

I AM SPENT.  I WANNA HEAR YOU TALK AT ME NOW, AS PER USUAL.  Reactions to the show/the recap?  Thoughts?  Ramblings?  I’d love to hear what you’re thinking.  I mean, as long as it’s not anything like “you b!tch, I don’t believe in you taking part of the weekend off from writing content for me; recharging your batteries is horses**t.”  OMG if someone says that I will DIE.  Sigh.  I’m sorry, I’m just so tired.  At this point I need to go lay in bed and be a mute for the next eight hours so that I can be talkative for the next full week.

Thanks for being such amazeballs readers.  This is gonna sound like I’m kissing tushies, but I’m not, I’m just doing something stupid, it’s called being genuine, and it gets a little sappy sounding but WHATEVER SO WHAT WHO CARES.  Yeah, so I wanna mention something I haven’t, which is that I do read and cherish every single comment you guys leave, and man oh man oh man.  You guys, you’re the best.  You say the coolest things.  It’s pretty much what keeps me loving this whole ridiculous process week after week.  I wanted you to know how much YOU mean to ME, since you guys have been really like beyond the coolest about sharing how YOU feel.

On a scale of one to wonderful, y’alls turn that s**t up to ELEVEN.  Aright I’m ready to stop talking now.

– Seacrest out

Other recaps from this season:

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 1

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 2

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 3

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 4

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 5

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 6 Part 1

Happy February 14th, lovelies!  Ooooohhhh I’m so excited about today, and not just because Honey and I have plans to engage in dinner, dessert and coitus, in that order.  That’s part of it, the excitement– but it’s also because I have totally-not-literally TONS of Love Day inspiration that I know your retinas will DIE OVER.

We’re starting off with this absolutely darling engagement shoot, submitted by the insanely talented Jennifer Sullivan of Jennifer Sullivan Photography.  Check it:

I’m gonna give you a moment to get up since I’m sure you just fell out of your chair.

Ok, SO… OMG, right?  I mean, just– OMG.  I, too, am gonna pass out from the sheer awesomeness of these colors if there are any more pictures involved in this shoot.  I’m hoping there aren’t any more UH OHHHH CRAP THERE ARE–

Here’s a little ditty from Jenn about the shoot:

Yes, it’s that time of year again : Valentine’s Day. While some avoid the idea of Valentine’s Day at all costs — we embrace the idea of this love-filled day. There’s something so romantic about Valentine’s Day. I think my love for Valentine’s Day stems back to childhood when I used to get cardboard Valentine’s cards and chalk-flavored sweethearts in my brown paper bag “mailbox” in Elementary School.

Another fond memory of love and sweethearts I carry is a memory from Kindergarten. I used to visit Gold Head National Park as a child. I was five years old when I first visited this park; my Kindergarten class ventured out to the park for our first field trip. One distinct memory I have was visiting Lake Johnson. It was a beautiful place to have picnics and enjoy the surrounding wilderness. I remember getting my first glimpse of young couples who were in love and wondering how it felt to be “in love.” As a child, the lake symbolized love to me. That’s why I had been itching to use this location for the setting of an engagement shoot. The lake used to be flourishing, but when we returned to shoot this session years later — it was an abandoned, dried up lake bed. We found remnants of the past, including swimming goggles, empty canoes, and bottles. It was a little disheartening to see how much my childhood memory had changed over the years, but we didn’t let it damper our session. Though, I hope Lake Johnson returns to it’s former state; it had transformed into a beautiful backdrop for our couple. Needless to say, we loved photographing this session.

Ok, so tell me, do you love?  Or do you LOVE.  Or have you already passed out from the aggressiveness of your affection for this shoot.  Me?  I just came to.  I hit my head hard, but it just so happens that pink and mint color combinations are my ibuprofen so I’m BACK IN THE GAME LIKE NEW.

Aright, we’ve got MORE Valentine’s Day loveliness coming right up, today!  But before I get to that, I totally want to hear what you think of this shoot, and if the colors inspire you as much as they do me!

I mean… that bow ALONE.

xoxo!  - Alison

Photography: Jennifer Sullivan Photography / Landscape + Storm Images: Mike Oblinski Photography / Venue: Gold Head National Park in Keystone Heights, Florida / Cinematographer: Our very own, Derrek Sullivan / Hair + Makeup Artistry: Cathee Molina with Hello Cathee / Wardrobe Styling: Michael McDaniel / Balloons: Jilly Bean Kids“

Happy Tuesday evening, lovers!  Ok, NOW, I’m freaking PSYCHED about what’s going on below… and I think it’s the perfect post to lead you into tomorrow while I work on ye olde recaparino until just, like, my entire face just falls RIGHT OFF OF WHERE MY FACE GOES.  Ok, SO!  This shoot is one part handmade, two parts pink, one part gold, three parts filled with love, and one gazillion parts FAAAAAAAANFREAKINGTASTICFACE.  Submitted by the ever inspiring Dana Laymon of Dana Laymon Photography, it lights up my life and I feel confident it will, yours.

Some words from Dana first, on this day of loveliness:

I have saved my very favorite shoot for you. I pulled my favorite vendors together to do my dream shoot full of love and hearts and pink and candy! And what better time than to do it than for Valentine’s Day. Jessica at A Shindig events did an amazing job at making my crazy dream shoot come to life. We wanted a handmade, shabby chic, whimsical atmosphere. Plus Jessica already had the perfect, romantic, garden backyard for it! When I think of Valentine’s Day, I think of candy and flowers. So we covered the table with sugar! Candy and cookies and cake and flowers. Fiore Fine Flowers put together the most beautiful flowers and with Sawgrass’s romantic soy candles, it looked like a dream land. Our couple was already so much in love, celebrating their five year wedding anniversary, so what better way to spend the day.

Thanks, Dana!  Ok, I hope you enjoy, everybody…

And now, before we close this Valentine’s Day of prettiness, here are a couple of BONUS LOVE DAY FUNNIES for your pretty little faces:

1. A Twitter buddy shared this amazeballsness a bit earlier and I consider it the win to end all wins, on this, the Day of St. Valentine, 2012.  Here’s what she said/shared: “Check out the message I got w/ two dozen roses. http://ow.ly/i/sB9H RGosling: 0, Boyfriend: +1000″

WELL PLAYED, MR. BOYFRIEND.  WELL PLAYED.

2. And now, another lovely Twitter friendly named Chelsea shared this video with me, of a melancholy French Bulldog pouring over loves lost while listening to Someone Like You by Adele.  Now, while I’m sure he’s just mourning the loss of a beloved toy his owner hid in the closet, it’s still worth a gander, given that HE IS BAMBINO MCPUPPYPANTS’ DOPPELGANGER.

Ok, SO!  Lots of gorgeousness going on above, eh?  Lemme know what you think of today’s incredible second feature!  Any specific details tickle your fancy the most?  If you wanna know what tickles MY fancy most, it’s pretty much anything above this sentence I’m writing.

Can’t wait to hear your thoughts, friendlies.  Also, Happy Love Day you guys!  I hope you’re having a great one!

xoxo!  - Alison

Photography: Dana Laymon Photography / Decor and Design: A Shindig Southern Event Planning / Flowers: Fiore Fine Flowers / Dessert Menu: Social Butterfly Invites / Candles: Sawgrass Candles / Cake and Cupcakes: Southern Charm Designs / Location: Private Residence / Hair: Deanne Labriola / Makeup: Amy Kennison for Mac / Submitted via Two Bright Lights

^ LOL

Happy Thursday afternoon, kiddles!  So you know that story that’s all over the news about that guy who went to The Heart Attack Grill and SPOILER ALERT died of a heart attack, like, SIMULTANE?  Well assuming that’s a recipe for success, I’ll be frequenting Hooters establishments going forward.  Cross your fingers lightening strikes twice!

In other news, annehbuddeh wanna go to a party?  ’Cause I have extra tickets ;)  My girl Summer from Grey Likes Weddings lovingly shoved a couple of extra tickets into my face for VIPhotographers to attend the Prohibition Rebellion party she’s hosting February 20th (WHICH IS ALSO MY BIRTHDAY), and now that I’ve taken them out of my mouth and dried them off, I’m ready to give them to some luckyass photographers who’ll be in Vegas for WPPI.  So I’m offering them up giveaway-style rizight NIZOWW.

About this party; I’ll be there, but in case that isn’t reason enough – and while it SHOULD BE, I suspect it isn’t – let it be known that there will be amazing amazingness of amazeballs proportions in the form of cool people, booze, live music and prohibition era garb which by the way is REQUIRED FOR ENTRY aka THE ONLY WAY TO PARTY IF YOU ASK ME.

Ok, SO.  For the sake of being thorough, this giveaway is for two (2) tickets, which will include a bourbon tasting at the Prohibition Rebellion party, located at The Artisan Hotel, a prohibition style plickity place mere minutes off the strip.  wooWOO!

If you wanna win, leave a comment below and we’ll pick a winner crazy soon and it’ll all be like so totally AWESOME!   Party time, excellent!

xoxo!  - Alison

Special shout outs to Madera Books, Drop It Modern and Post House Inc for making all of this posseeeeeeblay!  You rock beeeg tyyyyyme.

Inspiration board image credits, clockwise: b&w flapper / flapper ribbon tie / baby flapper <– where things got a little weird / Twigs & Honey flapper headband; image by Elizabeth Messina

Happy Thursday evening, lovers!  Welcome to your second post of the day.  Wowza, really doubling it up lately, eh?  Guess there’s just a LOT going on these days.  I’ve gotta say, I’m very pleased to share with you this sort of two-for-one delight we’ve got going on below.  To celebrate the launch of Serendipity Studios‘ lovlingly revamped website, plus the anniversary of their truly lovely Miami studio, Candice Cossel of Serendipity Studios is holding a pretty unbelievable contest all of a sudden and I’d say it’s nothing less than the cat’s pajamas.  Apparently that’s a good thing.  Anyway when she told me about it my face just blew right off of my face.  That’s twice in one week now.  I’m holding off on a doctor’s appointment to test out the durability/elasticity of my connective tissues because I just don’t even wanna KNOW at this point.  The prognosis is undoubtedly bad, so in this instance, ignorance is bliss.  Except my face keeps falling off.  NOT BLISS.

Now.  The two things I’m going to ninja star attack your mind with are 1) giveaway amazeballs and, 2) a shoot captured by Candice, author of the following quote of truth and righteousness…

“Engagement sessions are all about who you are as a couple.  Never feel tied into a trend or what’s popular.  Really think about your relationship and who you are and design something that means something for you.  It will make all the difference.”

That’s a smart photographer.  I dunno… but you might wanna hire her or something for your wedding.  Only smart cookies say that kind of stuff if you ask me.

PART I :: GIVEAWAY OF HAPPY WONDERFULLNESS AND WAY TOO MUCH FOR FREE

Here’s a very long snippet from their giveaway post; GO TO THERE FOR FULL GIVEAWAY DEETS:

Are you Engaged and plan to get married?   In 2012?  And want REALLY AMAZING FANTASTIC AWESOME wedding photography?  This is your lucky day!!!

The Prize:

• exclusive wedding photography by Candice Cossel
• assistant photographer
• full wedding story coverage (up to 10 hours)
• $1500 album credit (equal to a 20pg premier album)
• online ordering gallery
• complimentary engagement session
• ($4000 value)

How to enter:

• Please send a photo of the two of you together, your wedding date, wedding venue, and a short story telling us about you, why you want to work with Serendipity Studios and why you should win to photo@serendipitystudios.com.  You will receive a confirmation of your entry within 48 hours.  Finalists will be announced on March 2nd.

PART II :: Babak + Sheena = Engaged!

Ok so hey, guess what?  I know you’ve probably been fooled by people like me into thinking you HAVE to hold gold-dipped pears in the palms of your hands in order for your shoot to qualify as a legit engagement session these days… LOL.  No, but here’s the truth of the matter: engagement sessions used to be very simple, with the love of a couple the central focus of the shoot, and not the pretty little details.  Let’s get back to basics, today, shall we?

First, I’ll have you know that I happen to be a big fan of all the pretty little details, so don’t be confused.  However, I’m biased… I’m a wedding blogger, y’all.  But I know you and I BOTH wanna see eye-candy; it’s only natural.  It’s fun to look at, DOY.  However, the details are hardly a necessary part of effectively knocking it out of the park for you and your beloved.  And so I’m always psyched when I get a shoot like this one Candice sent me.  Because I get to show the world that shoots are always going to be more about a couple and their love – and in this case, their intense fashion sense – than about chalkboards and glitter.

OMG.

… I know you just gasped when I said *glitter.*  I know.  Because I did, too.  I did NOT mean it.  Can I take it back? the glitter thing?  I will always advocate the use of glitter in your shoots.  I rescind my glitter statement wholly.

But ANYWAY, the point is it’s not important.  Even glitter.

Here’s what IS:

^ thoughtful shots that tell a story of courtship ^

hilarious shots that work off of what’s available to you in your chosen setting…

^ of course, there’s always time for cuddles in my book…

AND there’s always time for killer color combos.  Or, as the Kardashians would call it, killer ko– actually who gives a s**t what the Kardashians think.  Sheena I’m loving your style, here.  That red skirt + gold bangle combo is just breathtaking…

… maaaaahhhhble caaaaahhhhlluuummms…

… totally rule.

Now, here’s a little rundown from that gorgeous lady up there, Sheena:

Although we are planning for a Miami wedding, my fiancé and I wanted the opportunity to have photographs that reflect our style in California, where we currently reside.  We were fortunate to have our wedding photographer, Candice Cossel, of Serendipity Photography, in town for our engagement photo shoot.

Babak and I met while in dental school in Ft. Lauderdale, Fl; as study partners, we spent much of our time together in the library.  To capture the essence of how we fell in love, we wanted to include a library scene in our shoot. We decided to forgo the usual scrubs, for a touch of elegance and class that resembled our personal style. The Mr. C Beverly Hills hotel was a perfect location to embody the concept of our shoot; it is a beautiful, stylish hotel that represented exactly what we envisioned for our engagement session.  Upon arrival, we were greeted with their signature Bellini, which set the tone for our weekend getaway from San Diego.  Our room had a plush white leather seating area, crisp white bedding and bold headboard that added to the classic Hollywood elegance that we desired to portray. The balcony overlooked the streets of Beverly Hills, which were bustling with nightlight.  This was a perfect representation of everything we love.

We both have a passion for modern style, that is simple and clean.  Along with the Mr. C hotel, we chose the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, to reflect our artistic edge. The sea of over 200 restored cast-iron lamp posts provided a dramatic addition to our otherwise classic shoot. The “Urban Light” display is stunning in person, and inventive in photographs.   

The scenery, wardrobe selection, hair styling by DryBar in West Hollywood, and outstanding photographer made for a beautiful collection of photographs that set the stage to showcase our flair for fashion and adoration for one another. 

And now here are some words from Candice on the shoot:

So, one of the really unique things we do for our clients is travel for engagement sessions.  It’s been a really fun experience and we get to photograph our clients in their world.

For Babak & Sheena it was all about getting out of their scrubs (they are both dentists) and back to the real world that includes fashion, style, art, and books.  We had a couple of goals with this session.  First we wanted it to be much more editorial in style.  What you may not know is that Bobby is AMAZING at styling.  He was the catalyst behind all 3 of the outfits they both wore.  As I have a husband that hates setting foot in the mall I found this so very cool.  One of the places they told me they loved was the outside of the los county museum of art.  So we planned to start our session there.  From there we moved to the library of the very cool Mr. C hotel.  As Babak & Sheena met in the library we really wanted to create a story with this.

Engagement sessions are all about who you are as a couple.  Never feel tied into a trend or what’s popular.  Really think about your relationship and who you are and design something that means something for you.  It will make all the difference.

Clothing Details!!!

SHEENA: Both casual outfits were from Zara!!  The dress is Nicole Miller.  Shoes: Steve Madden.  

BABAK: The khakis are Brooks Brothers and the bow tie is Urban Outfitters.

SO, what do YOU think of a stripped down shoot that focuses less on the extra little details and more on the love?  I’m a fan of all shoots, ‘course, YOU KNOW THAT, but I think it’s kinda really important to see something that we rarely see these days…

And don’t forget to click here to enter the giveaway if you’re getting married! :)

xoxo!  - Alison

Serendipity Studios is a member of Vendor Love.  Click here to view this listing, or explore the guide.

Previous Serendipity Studios features on The Knotty Bride:

• Half Moon Bay, CA Part 1
• Half Moon Bay, CA Part 2
• Rustic Glam Farm Wedding
• A Rustic Wedding Trend I Heart
• Twilight Garden Wedding
• Boudoir Giveaway (now closed to entries)
• Pink Party Inspiration

Oh My Dad, you guys.  It’s Saturday morning and wuh-BAM, your Bachelor recap is here to greet you.  This episode, they call it “episode 7,” had all the trappings of any typically amazing episode of The Bachelor, amirite or am I very, very wrong?  Here’s what I’m gonna do.  I’m just gonna jump right in, because prefaces are for the thorough and I’m trying to break that habit so that I don’t die before my time.  Which is a little bit more down the road but still in 2012 with all of you at the end of this year, since shows like this one are a sure sign that the apocalypse is arriving on schedule.

FIRST AN UPDATE IN WHICH I ADDRESS THE WPPI GIVEAWAY, WPPI AS A WHOLE, CONFUSE HALF OF MY READERS WHO HAVE NO CLUE WHAT A “WPPI” IS, AND PUBLIC DRUNKENNESS

I was just lying about jumping right in, back there.  Sorry.  Ok, so… I will say here that my only regret re: the WPPI conference is that Bambino McPuppsington III, Esq. isn’t small or human enough, to bring along.  For you guys’ sake, I mean.  Me, I’m like Bambino SCHMAMSHMEENO, let’s get this party started right WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE!!

But in true news, ya’boy Alison will be in Vegas for this thing from February 19th thru the 22nd, and please, given the fact that I’ll be celebrating my birthday there, I’d like to ask the paparazzi to keep their distance of at least a 2 mile radius away from me and my friendlies.  Thank you in advance for respecting my wishes to be left alone during this trip.

So, if you are also attending WPPI and you see me and you also see that there isn’t anybody who looks remotely interested in taking my picture for the gossip magazines, that will be because I asked them in advance to stay back and respect my privacy and NOT AT ALL because of the fact that they have no interest in documenting my life in any way.

Ok, listen up: this weekend I will be contacting the lucky winner of those WPPI Prohibition Rebellion party tickets (woot woot, innnn the boot!) AND I will ALSO be traveling the get-into-one-plane, fly-into-out-of-way-location, wait-an-unnecessarily-long-period-of-time-to-get-up-and-collect-my-belongings-from-the-overhead-bin, wait-an-unnecessarily-lengthy-period-of-time-for-the-human-centipede-traffic-jam-to-unhinge-and-allow-movement, step-off-of-plane, buy-a-magazine, not-read-it, sit-on-the-floor-plugged-into-one-of-seven-available-outlets-throughout-the-airport’s-2000-acres, wait-45-minutes, board-next-plane, fly-out-of-out-of-way-location, LAND-IN-VEGAS-BABY, do-all-of-that-other-stuff-from-the-last-leg-that-reduces-the-excitement-of-the-trip-considerably EIGHT HOUR JOURNEY TO WPPI IN VEGAS, BABY!  Ooohhh I’m so pumped I feel hungover just thinking about it.

OK NOW: ENGAGE BACHELOR RECAP… RECAP ENGAGED… YOU PASS OUT FROM AWESOME

So we see the description of the show reads: “While in Belize, Ben takes the bachelorettes on dates that include diving with sharks…” and we can draw the conclusion right away that somebody told the producers her fears again.  It’s a simple tactic NOT to do that.  You very simply *don’t write down your fears on the sign up form*.  I don’t understand why these girls aren’t putting down “intense phobia of falling out of infinity edge pools while having the underwater sex,” or “acute fear of scenic vistas when eating sushi off of the star of ‘Drive’ the movie,” or “dreads rooms where five or more puppies are present” as their Greatest Fear answers.  Have they seriously not learned from all previous seasons of this show?  I just–whatever.  I have to accept that they’re never going to get this part.

We set down in Belize and Ben let’s us know that the feelings, the ones of love, they are there.  Here, I’ll just let him say it; “the feelings of love are there; I’m not ready to tell anyone yet, but… when the time is right.”  What happened there is that when Ben taped that, the producers hadn’t yet figured out who he is supposed to like yet, but taping schedules are taping schedules!

WE SEE THE BEVY, NOW BFFS

They arrive at their new digs, and HOLY BALLS, Y’ALLS.  This, is a PAD.  Nothing like that linen closet they stayed in, two episodes ago.  THIS IS LIVING, if *living* to you is competing for fake love amongst sadness and hair extensions BUT IN A NICE PAD.  (That is living to me.)

Chrisharrison spelonks off the roof and into their lives, and lets them know that “Ben is very hopeful that he will get down on one knee and propose to one of you.”

He’s convinced it’s unlikely, but he’s hopeful, nonetheless.

Chrisharrison goes on to say these things here:

Things are gonna be a little different.  Three intimate one on one dates, one group date.  This week is about you spending as much quality time with Ben as possible.  There will be a rose up for grabs, however, on the group date.  That lady will be safe for the rose ceremony, and guaranteed to take Ben to meet your family.

Chrisharrison did not, even once, say “as you already know” while explaining the rules this time, because to these ladies, that up there was the brainpower equivalent of taking the SATs for the second time and orally.

ONE ON ONE: BEN + LINDZI

Having ignored my instructions not to share her worst fear with the writers I MEAN WHAT WRITERS??!  WHO SAID THAT?… Lindzi tells us she’s terribly afraid of heights, while we watch her sitting comfortably on the edge of a doorless helicopter while smiling authentically.

So, maybe she fooled everyone, on second thought.  Anyway, this escapes her mouth:

They jump from the heli into a water crater, and I immediately decide we have to vacation in Belize.  I assume they are a nation of helicopter transport? because at this point in the season I have come to expect helicopter transport in all of my bathing-suit-related activities.

BEN: “To be able to overcome that fear together, I feel like….”

DON’T SAY IT.  DON’T RELATE IT TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.  DON’T YOU DO IT.  DON’T YOU DARE DO IT.

BEN: “…. was an incredible feeling.”

Phew.  Ok, we’re good, we’re ok.  We’re still ok and we’re thirteen minutes in; this is probably a new record.  That was a normal assessment of a shared experience between two people who know nothing substantial about one another and have an *emotional connection* that’s equivalent in strength to that of a Trollinger wine from Wttemberg or a Riesling Kabinett if you prefer white.

… That one was for you, Ben.

But as I was saying; it is important to remember that all of these people on this show this season, all of them, have little more in common with Ben ‘Bear-Who-Walks-With-Father’ than relatively agreeable pheromones, and are instead working off of unsafe levels of sustained adrenaline production as they hyperbole their way through what is the Amazing Race version of a real world speed-date.

Ben’s hair would go on to say, “… but that’s only because the face part of the head is at least 50% covered and the wind is blowing at a considerable speed, creating enough force to counteract the eight ounces of hair clay and single handful of arrogance-stimulated *excitement* lotion he rubbed into me for extra hold earlier this morning before we left.”

Ohhh boy oh boy.  Oh Alison.  Ohh goodness Alison what am I gonna do with you.

COMMERCIAL / BACK FROM COMMERCIAL 

Oh, and also, Lindzi said this —-

LINDZI: “Today I literally fell for Ben… out of a helicopter….. BUT, I’m also FALLING for Ben.”

—- somewhere near the end but I’d like us just to move past it kind of quickly before it starts to affect me.

ok, NOW…. COMMERCIAL / BACK FROM COMMERCIAL 

Ok so we return to Lindzi and Ben’s one-on-one and I can’t help but think to myself that….

… Tim Allen really has aged considerably, and how disheartening that is.  Has it been that long since Home Improvement was putting out fresh episodes?  And then I  realize that they were taping that show during a time when Pamela Anderson was considered a babe/marriage material.  Why does this show work so hard at making me feel less like one of the youthful contestants and more like the village elder carrying that colorful sack earlier in the show back to her village as the embodiment of excessive wealth in the form of a winemaking caveman crossed her path on his way back from picking up groceries with BEHBEH and walked into the gated community of *One Full Side Of The Nation Of Belize*.

BACK IN BEVYLAND, WHERE THE NUMBERRRS ARRE DWIIIIINDLING

At some point in here, Courtney acts a fool as usual and the girls have reactions as usual.

BEHBEHKINS McLITTLES tells the lens of a camera: “Courtney sucks. I’m like, what do you think WE’RE all in??”  referring to a statement made by Courtney about her relationship with Ben to the exclusion of all the rest.  Or something, I’m not sure.  Honestly I don’t remember because I don’t care.  So I’m just assuming.  Anyway she’s PRETTY MAD.

What she actually says, later in the show, is far more inappropriate, but I didn’t raise ma BEHBEH to be a cussin’ like a country boy so we’re gonna make believe it didn’t happen.

Date card est arrivé.

She announces that Emily is the lucky winner of the next one-on-one with Ben and I go: “wait–I didn’t see her pa–did you pack yet, Emily?  Make sure you do a full room sweep and pack up everything, before you leave to go on the date.  I’m just telling you it’s much more demoralizing when you have to wait until you get back from being dumped to go pack, cuz then it’s like, you’re paaacking, and you’re cryyying, and it’s all these emotions going through your body, and now you’re packing through your tears and it’s just like– it’s no fun to go through.”

I mean, she HAS to be going home, right?  I don’t see her getting out of this any other way than by dingy.  Though I do hope she makes a run for the helicopter, so that Ben actually has to go and, in his words, “commingle with the locals;” something he’s been telling everyone he’s trying to avoid for the duration of his stay in Belize.  Having been wealthy all his life, Ben has some very real emotional issues that can for the most part be traced back to his deep fear of getting too close to ‘the have-nots.‘

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE ONE-ON-ONE

Lindzi says, “Ben was really sexy driving me through the BLAAACCK, starlit water.”  And I start to recall something about those being Natalie Woods’ last words.

Lindzi makesenz zee faces as per usual, and Ben mocks them by duplicating them in kind.

Then they do this thing where they stop eating and, drunk, they grab a napkin and collaborate for a few minutes on writing a brief rundown of their courtship which one of them ends up shoving inside of an empty glass bottle.  Which, if I’m not mistaken, is exactly how producers came up with this show.

Lindzi tells us that she’s a lucky girl to be living a fairytale, and we can already see her getting excited about flying home to Dumpsville with Ben on their way to meet her family, who make up the entire population of that small town.

A quick editorial comment here (amidst what is an entire post of editorial comments so what was that for): whenever my beloved Lindzi is on the screen, I always find myself saying in my mind “omigod are you really that excited about it? it is really that exciting for you?”

It’s annoying.

Actually you know what this is, I think this is just me liking Lindzi too much to find any real fault with her.  Genuinely kind and upbeat people are typically very hard for me to mock.

I am morally complex.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE – BEN + EMILY: SIMPLE LEARN-BY-IMMERSION SNORKELING AND LOBSTER-DIVE 

This happens and it’s the best thing ever.

That rad date experience was the lucky result of a forced interaction between Ben and the townspeople– the brainchild of a producer-writer-and-director triumvirate.  Good work, boys.  You always come through with the magic.  After the date, Ben feels really proud of himself for overcoming his fear of people who are socio-economically beneath him, and everybody in the crew cheers him on for being the biggest sack of s**t I’ve ever seen in a pair of neon pink board shorts holding a lobster from the Paleolithic era (or, ‘a friend’).  And that’s saying a lot.

Ben says things like “I can see myself loving this woman” about Emily.  And, had we known the outcome of the rose ceremony at this point, we would have collectively thrown whatever we were eating directly at the television screen.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE HEN HOUSE

Courtney continues to work towards her ultimate goal of sweeping Keith Olbermann’s typically political segment, “Worst Person in The World.”  And then…

… THE THIRD AND FINAL ONE-ON-ONE DATE CARD ARRIVES

… and is read by Lindzi; Courtney’s name is on it, and suddenly we hear the sounds of knives being sharpened under woolen couch throws.

Now fraternal twins, Nicki and WHITTLES McBEHBEN exchange glances of mutual disdain for Courtney, while Courtney pulls a 180 degree turn from Weepy von GrumbleAbout to Triumph, the Insult Comic Bitch.  In their defense, this is very hatable.

At this point in the recap I’m realizing that the BEHBEH LIDDLES’ ‘she sucks’ remark I mentioned earlier in this recap had to have just been a sneak peek of this scene… so, oops.  Anyway here’s where all of it goes down.  And it must have been one really lengthy, detailed bitchfest for BEHBEH because she goes from hair tied Kacie B to hair flowing free Kacie B.  Good for you, BEHBEHLA.  You needed that.  And we needed that from you.  It’s pretty much down to you, Emily (sort of), Nicki and Lindzi as far as which girls any of us out here in the real world can still identify with.  Keep keepin’ it real, girrrfriend.

CUT TO BEN AND COURTNEY ON THEIR ONE-ON-ONE DATE

Ben starts singing “you and me, baby, ain’t nothin’ but mammals so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel”  by The Bloodhound Gang and this serves to assuage Courtney’s fears about whether or not she and Ben still have a strong emotional connection.  Then he asks her to put her hands down his pants and I bet she felt nuts when she did that.

CUT TO THE GIRLS CHILLAXING BY THE WATER, COMPLAINING ABOUT THE COMPLAINER WHO’S BONDING WITH BEN AS THEY LAMENT HER EXISTENCE.

That….. that pretty much describes the situation.

CUT BACK TO ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH BEN AND COURTNEY: SIMPLE ANCIENT CIVILIZATION VERTICAL CLIMB

When they reach the top of the structure, therefore closer to the heavens, BEN SAYS, OUT LOUD:

“OH

  MY

    DAD”

And I say, in my head, that I’ve found the title of my Episode 7 Bachelor recap.

FINAL SEGMENT OF BEN + COURTNEY ONE-ON-ONE DATE: DINNER PORTION 

COURTNEY: “Yeah, I have a lot of good friends… I HAVE A LOT OF GUY FRIENDS.”

… A LOT OF GUY FRIENDS.”

… GUY FRIENDS.”

… GUY FRIENDS.”

This is the scene where Ben brings up things that don’t sound like “remember when you got naked that time?  that was fun” and instead sound like “but can I just ask you about your character, and do you have trouble getting on well with others?”

This results in Courtney a) getting very defensive and aggressive and therefore b) showing her true colors, which results in c) absolutely no enlightenment whatsoever on Ben’s part.

These two are a match made in that part of Heaven where angels put on improv comedy sketch shows using deserving human players.

GROUP DATE: SIMPLE SHARK ATTACK

… happens.

(Noteworthy quote ~ BEN: “Today is going to be really special; I’m waking the women up at 4am…”  Ben knows what women want.  Just as much as if not more than Mel Gibson does.)

Approaching the whole situation for the gameshow that it is, but taking the ‘rules concept’ of the show waaaaay more seriously than the other girls, at 1 hr 21 mins in NICKI says: “Do you think the rose will go to [Rachel], because, she faced her fears?”

To which BEHBEH says: “No, are you kidding me?  This isn’t about ‘hey, you conquered your fear, lemme meet your family!’  This is about ‘I like you as a whole person and what we’ve been through on this entire journey, and I wanna meet your family.’”

Stop right there.  Stop, because here is where BEHBEH almost simultaneously lifts us up only to bring us down deeper, showing us that she is both laudably and remarkably intelligent but also an absolute dunce about what’s going on in her life right now, because that statement of hers is truth ANYWHERE but on this very show she’s participating in.  Well done but not really, BEHBEH.  I’m standing here and I’m equal parts brimming-with-pride and completely-not-surprised.

I think this happens around this time (yeah, I know I’m skipping a lot):

COMMERCIAL

Jared® jewelry fails for a second week in a row with an engagement ring commercial WITH NO FASHIONS IN IT.  Sorry I mean WITH NO ENGAGEMENT RING SHOTS IN IT.  Don’t they realize it doesn’t matter what business you’re in; it’s the money shot that counts?!

Also…

 BACK FROM COMMERCIAL / RETURN TO END OF SHARK-DATE WITH PORTION OF BEVY

At one point, in an attempt to catch up the reality of the situation with how things are progressing in her imagination, Nicki tells Ben that her family would love him so don’t even worry about it.  ”[My family] would know that you’re a good man, they would…”

And it is at this precise moment when Ben drops his head down and to the left; one of the most easily recognized movements in body language signifying that an uttered statement and its truth are in severe discord.  So, at least the honesty in his body language hasn’t been trained out of him yet.

THE POINT IN THE GROUP DATE WHEN THEY TELL HIM TO BE CAUTIOUS ABOUT COURTNEY AND THEN WALK AWAY THINKING IT WASN’T A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME

(Sorry; I can’t remember if this came before or after Kacie B got the rose.  But so what, who cares.)

1:37 - Ben says something that just BEGGGGGS the bevy to start spilling their collective beans about Courtney.

NICKI: “We want you to be cautious about Courtney.”

BEHBEH: “Just, tread lightly.”  SO WE SEE EMILY LIKES TO SERVE HER REVENGE COLD, AND BY PROXY.

NICKI: “I want you to be with someone who’s gonna be there for you; in this for the long run…”

About to cry, Ben says to Nicki: “and you don’t think she’s in this– *clears his throat to stop the crying from manifesting in his voice* … to do that?”

So, at this point we see from the teaser-into-commercial that Ben’s stylist is now in on the joke, as it’s the only assumption that lends any sense to that stripes-of-varying-widths-and-hues tie he’s sporting when he pulls Courtney aside to discuss whether she’s in this for the right reasons.  And also that he’s totally kidding, and that he just wanted to privately thank her again for all the nudity, and how it’s really been a Godsend in helping him to stay relaxed on this wonderful journey.  And then he tells her that she should go back to be with the bevy now so that he can get started on sending some more bitches home on a couple of dingies driven by ghostly apparitions who are NOT just members of the show’s staff who brought their fingers to their noses last.

COMMERCIAL / BACK FROM COMMERCIAL

Aaaand it’s take a boat ride in dark water to a torch-lit path down the boardwalk to the rose ceremony AND WE’RE OFF.

RACHEL: “Whoever he gives a rose to, meets your family.”  ……….. did your family go on vacation a lot during English class?

Next, the bevy is sitting in a cabana (or something I’m erroneously calling a cabana?) relaxing with some pina coladas, when this happens:

After that, Courtney goes Alex Trebek on their asses, saying, “well, I’M feeling good.  I’ve got a pina colada, I’m feeling goooood, I’m in BEH-HUH-LISZSE, everything’s great.”

CHRISHARRISON shows up and goes: NO COCKTAIL PARTY FOR YOU!  And so it is written, that there will be no cocktail party tonight; instead… ROSE CEREMONY ENGAGE

Ben arrives……..

Then Ben says to the bevy:  ”Evvvurrrehbaahhdee ees so great!  I’m loving you, Belize.”  And then he goes:

“NO BEN FOR YOU!” to Emily and Rachel.  And Rachel goes:

“I feel very rejected.  Yeah, very rejected.”  A common side effect of being rejected.

And then I decide that Emily’s exit rap should essentially be this slightly edited excerpt from the ‘Fresh Prince of Bel Air:’

Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became the pawn in a game that’s no fair.

~ FIN ~ 

Ugh!  They need to just go do the sex already, those two.

Ok, SO, I wanna hear from you truly madly deeply, my savage garden of viewers who I’ve regretfully encouraged to watch the show this season.  What are your thoughts/reactions to the show and/or whatever I just said up there in text and pictures?

LAY IT ON ME LIKE RED PAINT ON A FINE, NEW ENGLAND FUR.

xoxo  - Alison

Other recaps from this season:

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 1

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 2

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 3

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 4

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 5

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 6 Part 1

The Bachelor Recaps: Ben: Episode 6 Part 2

Happy Tuesday afternoon, folks!  Alison here, blogging from the lovely Las Vegas at WPPI, and kind of wishing I didn’t have to go back to NY after THIS AMAZING WEATHER OUT HERE.  I mean… people LIVE like this, in nice weather most of the year?  I am officially addicted to the sunshine.

Ok, moving right along, today’s question from a reader is a doozie, not to mention, a not-so-unusual problem brides can have.  I’d love to hear your thoughts for Miss E., and if you have any advice for her!  As always, I’m just one li’l ol’ person in a sea of advice-having people, and I think Miss E will appreciate whatever you may have to say.  Alrighty, here we go…..

Dear TKB:

One of my bridesmaids got engaged 3 months after I did. I am so happy for her as she is a good friend and they are a great couple. What makes me sad is that now when we are with our group of friends she dominates the conversation with her wedding. My wedding is first but she has now moved her wedding date to be within two weeks of mine, purchased a nearly identical dress after she saw which one I was getting and is getting married in Europe so all of our friends can’t stop talking about the vacation/trip to Europe/her wedding. Plus, some of the concepts I shared with her before her engagement are now going to be in her wedding, too. I was saving them as surprises but all of our friends now think that she had the idea so it looks like I took it from her and used it first. I feel like she is trying to upstage my day. It is too late to change the concept, colors and theme. I just want to cry and can’t understand why she would do this. We were close. Any advice? I really want her out of the wedding but I know that would just make all of this look worse.

Thanks!

E.

Dear E:

First, let me reassure you that all the family members at your wedding will be surprised.  So will everybody else there, who doesn’t know or talk to this copycat bridesmaid.  The only people who will not be surprised are the few with whom you shared your plans.  That adds up to a large number of surprised people.

However, a wedding should primarily be about you and the one you love, starting out on a lifetime of married bliss together.  It’s nice to have some touches that show your creativity and maybe even cause some guests to be amazed. But that should all be secondary.

If you and your husband are looking at each other with heartfelt joy all the day and night of your wedding day, that’s what your guests will be talking about when they drive home, and even after a time, when they remember your special day.  It won’t be the fireworks or the clowns or the Air Force Jets flyover.  Well… maybe the flyover will be remembered and talked about.

But, if you start thinking about “that bridesmaid” and the others she shared her/your wedding ideas with on “your day,” you will miss the best day of your life. Before your wedding day think about how bad a candid picture of you glaring at her will look.  When you realize how your preoccupation with her could mess with your mood, your posture and your smile on your day, don’t think of her at all.  But, if you do, take the high road and remember that: “Imitation is the highest form of flattery.”

Have the confidence to know that your friends by now know which one of you is more creative.  That is why I’m reluctant to tell you to confront her or to tell your other friends that she is stealing your ideas.  There are too many unpredictable outcomes to going those routes, and most of them are bad.  Also why risk losing out on a fun trip to Europe with your new hubby.  I’m not assuming you’d do this, but if the urge comes to you, resist telling everyone when you’re at her wedding: “See that, it was my idea. See that. It was my idea too.”

And if you still can’t shake the anger, remember that living a good life is the best revenge. :)

Hope this is helpful!

Okie dokie you guys, I’d love to hear YOUR thoughts/advice for Miss E!

xoxo!  - Alison

Gem Photo is a member of Vendor Love.  Explore more of her work here, in our guide.

Happy Friday evening, friends!  It is good to be back home from ma travels, and I have a double feature-ish situation thingie going on today for ya eyeballs.  The second half of this post is a killer wedding, and you’re more than welcomed to skip to that if all you want is some visual candy.  All good in the hood by me.  I’m actually psyched for you to see it, and I’m dying to know what you think of it all.  The first part of the post, however, is a personal story about what happened while I was traveling back home from Las Vegas (does that translate to ‘land of virgins’ or is it ‘many vajayjays?’  sorry… I don’t speak Spanish) to nyc this week.  I was seated next to a father and his 11-year-old son.  The boy’s father, divorced, shared unique lessons about marriage with his son; lessons I wasn’t expecting.  Of course, it had to be blogged, and today is when it’s happening.  I’m hoping to hear your thoughts and if you think I’m crazy for having the reaction I did/do.

(Quick note: when you get to the wedding part of this post, please make sure you’re in an enclosed space, like a small closet or parked car or possibly swaddled a bassinet, because this feature is going to blow your face off and I’m concerned about you losing track of your face.)

Ok, here we go.

Let me tell you, this has been the busiest week of the entire month of February so far for me – my birthday was the 2oth, y’all! – but I’m back home and happy to be back to blogging regularly and being reunited with the Honey.  I’m sure you can imagine, traveling to meet up with friends and colleagues you haven’t seen in a while OR you haven’t seen in FOREVER is quite the definition of amazeballs, if one needed a definition.  But the bonus is getting to be excited to come home to Honey and whatever way he’s decided to welcome me back.  This time, as is always the case, I got a welcome back baby Post-It note on the bathroom mirror– a little touch that never fails to make me smile.  Also, it had been about a week of not being in the same country so we got it on.  That was a nice welcome back gift.  And from that I learned a very interesting lesson, which was that Honey can sleep-f***.

It means exactly what you think it means.   It almost rhymes with sleepwalk, and it’s exactly what happened.

After a number of years together you start to think you’re going to run out of new discoveries about one another but I am living proof that this is not the case.  At all, not the case at all.  One day you, too –that is to say if you haven’t already– might learn that your sweetheart can do you while he is essentially half-awake, half dreaming.  Also also, he came to rather quickly.  SHUT UP I DON’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT, I MEAN HE WOKE UP.  I thought I’d mention that he woke up because if I don’t, you walk off today thinking I am the most boring lay in the history of lays.  And for some reason it is important to me that you do not think that.  And now I’m going to stop talking about this because WTF, me.

He also got me a tin of macarons.  Totally the second best gift of all three gifts.

If you haven’t stopped reading already due to what is coming off as the most braggy post I’ve ever written, well then I’m excited to change the subject to that topic I said I was GONNA TALK ABOUT WHEN I STARTED THIS POST OMIJEEBUS ALISON.

The story…………..

On my flight home on Wednesday, I was seated next to a father and his 11-year-old son.  It was Southwest so I checked in early for the extra $10 so I could get ma first pickins of available seats on zee plane.  I have this need for aisle seats.  Anyway, this 40-something father sits down next to me; his son gets the window seat.  How does he start off the flight?  By telling me “you might wanna turn that off” SECONDS after the flight attendant announces to the cabin that we must now turn off all devices.  You can imagine how excited I was to have a pseudo-father-figure forced upon me for the duration of the flight.

ANYWHO.  He was a delight.  He and his son were quite ill — something that was not apparent until a half-hour into the flight, as they violently coughed and sneezed their way to the east coast with me.  The people around me were literally looking at me with pity and shaking their heads for what could be no other reason than to express to me that whatever I was feeling, was justified.  They assumed I was frustrated.  I was.

About half-way through the flight, it came to a head.  The boy’s father, up again to take a walk around the cabin, had released his sneezing son on me again.  You know how there are the kids who are taught to cover their mouths in public, and there are the kids whose parents couldn’t care less about teaching important lessons about being a considerate citizen?  If I had to take a guess as to which school of thought in which this kid was raised, I’d have to go with the latter.  Because every time his father took leave from his position as my human shield, that 11-yr-old boy cocked his head in my direction and away from his handheld playstation, inhaled deeply, and exploded the insides of his head onto my waiting face and body.  I was never able to escape; I was essentially imprisoned by my laptop and a seat buckle.  Each time, when I finally recovered and looked up and around, all of my sympathizers were facing me, shaking their heads and feeling my pain.

So remember how I said it came to a head?  Well it did.  Half-way through the flight, with me saying:

“I have to ask you something, and I say this with the least amount of malice you can imagine…”

I didn’t say “with absolutely no malice.”  On purpose.

“Are you guys sick?”

THE FATHER:  ”…. what… wait, sick?  I don’t know what you mean, are we *sick*?”

Please someone tell me how this guy didn’t get that I was referring to being physically ill, and that I was so incredibly clearly NOT referring to him and his child being sick in the head.  Because the vibe he was giving me was one you’d expect if you’d asked someone if he was a masochist.

ME:  ”… heh, no I don’t mean ‘are you masochistic,’ I’m asking if you and your son have colds.”

THE FATHER:  ”OH.  No.”

ME:  [Not convinced.]

So I just stayed there, in my seat, choosing to be reassured by the least convincing assertion I’ve ever heard.  What possesses me to leave myself in such situations?  I do not know.

ANYWAY.  Here’s the thing I really wanted to get to.  It’s what I overheard with about two hours left of our flight.  The two were loud talkers so *eavesdropping* is hardly what I’d call any of this.

It was a lesson about marriage, and the fact that it, and love, might not last.

The boy asked his father something about why people divorce.

The father, who I was picking up on as a divorced man, told the boy that love often doesn’t last.  That two people can fall out of love with one another, and then divorce happens.  That often, two people fall in love too quickly, too easily, and they rush into something that isn’t really meant to be.

Ok.  I agree with the basics of those statements.  But something felt missing from that brief lecture he gave.  He mentioned nothing of the need to work to maintain a relationship.  Nothing of what it takes to have a successful marriage.  Nothing of the value of trying to make it work.

He simply asserted over a series of sentences to his 11-yr-old son, when asked why people divorce, that love often doesn’t last.  And that divorce is the inevitable next step when that happens.

It kind of broke my heart.

But then this next part came along and it completely broke my heart.

THE BOY:  ”But Dad, S. and J. just had a baby, and they seem happy and in love still!”

THE FATHER:  ”Yeah but they’ve been married only a few years.”

WHAT?!!

I couldn’t believe his response.  Look at what he’s setting his son up for in life.  The expectations this child will have, or not have, in his pursuit of love and happiness.  While divorce and all matters of love are unique to those who are experiencing it, I CAN say with absolute certainty that the above is NOT how to lecture your child on the sustainability of relationships, and matters of the heart in general.  That man must have been a dream to be married to, eh?  An absolute dream.

What do you guys think of the man’s answers to his son?  I’m interested to hear if I had a pretty normal, or unique reaction.

Now, we move on to the beauty part of today — this freaking wedding situation!!  Submitted by A Charming Fête, the creative design magic behind this wedding, and snapped by RAD Photographer, the event made my eyes pop out not unlike myriad cartoon characters from my childhood.  Don’t make me name one; I’m not good with names.

First, a rundown from Lindsey, that GORGEOUS bride:

My sister Lisa (of A Charming Fête) and I share the same brain so we immediately started swapping ideas back and forth on how to achieve our dream wedding on a budget. We found the perfect venue (The Club at Hillbrook). It offered a completely natural and rustic setting but with access to the main house, a vintage paradise that acted as an excellent home base since we were out of town. I knew immediately I wasn’t the type of bride to pick just a color scheme or theme …but a particular sense of style to the wedding. I wanted everything that we love represented… The outdoors, personal family connections, creative uses of things, relaxation– nothing too forced. I wanted people to feel like they were outside. I wanted every element to feel effortlessly beautiful and natural. I wanted the tables to feel rustic and “green” with a touch of vintage. I wanted the colors to make people feel relaxed. I wanted it to feel elegant but not stuffy. I wanted people to smile at all of the little DIY creative things that we put into it. With such a beautiful backdrop as nature.. who needs a ballroom.

And now a detailed rundown from Lisa, of A Charming Fête:

Lindsey and Pete’s wedding was a major DIY creation with so many amazing detail elements. Their wedding style was very natural with a rustic-vintage feel. The couple wanted everything that they love represented… The outdoors, personal family connections, creative uses of things, relaxation– nothing too forced. They wanted every element to feel effortlessly beautiful and natural – tables to feel rustic and “green” with a touch of vintage – the colors to make people feel relaxed – elegant but not stuffy. They wanted people to smile at all of the little DIY creative things that were put into it. The couple lives in Portland, Oregon but opted to have the wedding in Ohio, near the bride’s hometown.

Ceremony:  The ceremony took place near an old ‘tea house’ structure on the property. The grass covered space had stone ledges around the perimeter. Guests entered the ceremony through a cast iron gate and hand-cut tree trunk/logs topped with vintage mason jars lined the aisle. The couple’s exit song was Coldplay’s VIVA LA VIDA performed by a string quartet.

Flowers:  The bride’s sister, Lisa (of A Charming Fête) created the bouquets and boutonnieres as well as provided all floral for the reception. We wanted the flowers to be very natural looking with greens, bushy whites and little pops of yellow (the billy balls were the perfect compliment). We picked half the flowers from a local wildflower field 2 days before the wedding! The bride’s bouquet was wrapped with vintage lace that we removed from her mother’s wedding gown. The bridesmaid bouquets were hand-tied with burlap. The boutonnieres were yellow billy balls and green berries tied with twine.

The Bride’s Look:  The bride wore a white lace fit and flare gown by Tara Keeley. The lace really had a vintage feel to it but was very rich in texture. The bride wore a flower in her hair from the English Dept in Portland. She also made her own birdcage veil for the ceremony!

The Bridesmaids:  The floral print bridesmaids dresses were designed by Leifsdottir (and purchased at Anthropologie). They were definitely a twist on the traditional style bridesmaid look.

Escort Cards and Display:  We used an old typewriter font called “My Underwood” (used throughout reception) to type all of the guest’s names and then pasted them onto coffee-stained hang tags. The tags were clipped to rows of twine with mini clothespins and strung onto old vintage windows/door. The old windows were actually found on the side of the road!

Tables and Reception Décor:  We purchased the jumbo “L&P” letters from a craft store, painted them white and draped a bunch of hand-torn fabrics and recycled tin cans to add some texture. The bride’s uncle created the huge wooden direction sign (pointing to special cities for the couple) plus other custom wood signage for “ceremony/Games/Wedding” signs that were around the venue. The guest book was hand-carved (not by us) and purchased from etsy.  All of the family wedding photos (grandparents, parents) were displayed on the welcome table with a collection of vintage clocks, vintage suitcase and an old tuquoise typewriter (etsy). We used burlap table runners over ivory linens and placed a DIY branch-stump at each place setting to serve as the placecard holder. Mason jars wrapped with fabric and recycled cans with an eclectic mix of florals lined the center of the tables. Recycled wine bottles were used as table numbers. The menus were also DIY, printed and backed with the perfect fabric to compliment the tablescape design. Each menu was 2 pieces clipped together with a mini clothespin. Seam binding (much less expensive than ribbon) was tied to the back of the chiavari chairs and a custom mr. & mrs. burlap banner.

The Dessert Table:  The eclectic dessert table took on a life of its own! We dressed the table with 4 different patterned fabrics, tons of dessert holding vessels (include 3 DIY tree stump cake stands) There were 3 small wedding cakes with the main one style with a birds nest topper with fabric “cake banners”. There were 3 different flavors of cupcakes all complete with DIY cupcake flags, hundreds of Italian wedding cookies, pies, cake pops and even Hoho’s!

The Food:  The bride and groom are total foodies and served up an amazing menu to their guests. Hor-dourves included lamb burgers with Mint aoili, Bacon Wrapped Dates, Brie and Apple Chutney purses and Caprese Salad skewers. They also served Olympic Provisions Salami (handmade in Portland) and my grandpa’s hand-made hot Italian peppers. This was then followed by an amazing 3-course dinner.

Favors:  Lindsey and Pete made a donation to Karma Rescue in Los Angeles (the rescue group they volunteered at before moving to Portland –and adopted 2 dogs from). We gave each guest a recycled box on their chair with this messaging on it:

A donation has been made in your name to Karma Dog Rescue in Los Angeles, California.  Please use this “doggie bag” to take home some biscuits (we mean cookies and treats) to enjoy later.

The couple also rented an amazing photo booth for their guests to enjoy.

The bride also handmade the invitations, save-the-dates and programs!!!!

Invitations:  She used GMUND brand paper (found featured on a paper blog) and started browsing their website. She used the Savannah -wood textured paper. It looks like tree bark!  She designed and printed the invites. She used a painting of a tree by Robert Sloane and got his permission to “carve” the little P+L in the tree. She also created the maps and got the inspiration from an artist named Laura Hooper (but since she was watching her budget, she decided to draw her own!) Vintage-style postcards were used as the meal choice card also acted as the RSVP for guests. She used a Muslin fabric piece on top of the invite with a piece of twine tying the whole package together. Instead of using standard stamps, the bride bought all vintage stamps from “Bid-Start” online. Each stamp had special meaning: i.e.The stamps featured Ohio, California, Rescue Dogs, Sequoia trees, nature and love of course.

And now, the wedding, FINALEMENT!!!! :)

So, do tell me….

1) Do you have any particular thoughts about that little story of mine from my flight back from WPPI?

2) And hey, HOWZABOUT THIS HERE WEDDING EXPERIENCE, EH?  I’m kind of in shock right now over the look of those identical floral print bridesmaids’ dresses all in a row.  The symmetry of it– I just– I can’t– I’m really into the look of those bridesmaids dresses.

xoxo  - Alison

Creative Design and Event Styling: A Charming Fête / Photography: RAD Photographer / Ceremony, Reception and Catering: The Club at Hillbrook / Gown: Tara Keely / Flowers: A Charming Fête / Rental Equipment: Event Source / Cake and Cupcakes: Fragapane Bakeries / Videography: Carroll Video and Prduction

Hello and happy Monday afternoon, my loves!  Ok here’s wussup.  I’ve been going back and forth on a certain little issue in my own little world, and I can just never decide which way to go.  It’s got to do veth zee dressenhagens.

It is: to have handmade, or not to have handmade?

But then I get a wedding like this in my inbox and my mind is again made up for me.  ’Course, we’ll see how long that lasts.  Ahhhhhhh indecisiveness.  ’Tis a horrible, horrible trait to have.  Anyway, as I was saying, I am in love – in LOVE – with the idea of having your wedding dress made just for you, with your style, shape and specific desires all working together to create what would hopefully be the ideal manifestation of your wedding dress dreams.  It’s definitely a special kind of investment, and it’s not for everyone.  It depends on who designs it, but I certainly don’t even know if I can afford it!  However, for those who choose to go for it, it’s a once in a lifetime experience that can bring some seriously swoonworthy images.  And who doesn’t get off on the idea of getting to wear a one of a kind dream dress?

I wonder: what do you think of commissioning someone to work with you on creating your ideal wedding day attire?  Are you into it?  Or are you absolutely in love with a style that’s readily available?  And if you don’t mind advising me… what do you think *I* should do?  I’m curious to hear your thoughts.

Now, this whole conversation brings me to the beauty part of this post, which is of course today’s wedding.  Kristin Partin, of Kristin Partin Photography, submitted some more loveliness to TKB again and I’m crazy psyched to share with you the gorgeous work she did with this day.  It’s like, phenom.

P.S. – I have to note here that the way this bride, Kaytee, paid tribute to her father throughout her wedding made my heart swell and my eyes too wet to see through.  You guys already know that I cherish weddings in which couples make the details of their decor truly meaningful to themselves and their families.  So this wedding is a personal fave in that respect.  Ok, enough out of me.

Here are some words from Kristin herself:

It was a gathering of close family & friends on a warm summer evening. Kaytee & Joel Dunnavant tied the knot on on July 9, 2011 at Ashland Berry Farm in Beaverdam, Virginia just one year after they met. The day begun with close friends, coffee & anxious conversation. The bride spent the morning with her ladies and her day was made more personal by makeup done by her bridesmaids. Joel and his groomsmen did the same, minus the makeup ;) Their ceremony was short, sweet and intimate. Kaytee was escorted down the aisle by her brother to ‘give it time’ by Starline Drive who performed live during their ceremony & reception. They provided the day with a casual, rich harmony and left the guests wanting more.

Kaytee incorporated lots of DIY elements that created rustic chic charm including her very own handmade gown. The Bride & Groom used handpainted signs, wildflowers &  lots of intimate details to make their day special. EVEN a mint green Volkswagen beetle! Low budget but certainly not low on southern charm.

Even though her dad passed away just months before her wedding day, she managed to make the best of her beautiful day knowing he was celebrating in spirit. She shared a dance with her mother in honor of her father to the song ‘Time After Time’ by Cindy Lauper, which was a song Kaytee used to dance on her dad’s toes to. Their wedding was filled with love, laughter and a spankin’ good time.

And now here are a few notes and details from the day, from this beautiful bride, Kaytee:

Our main goal for our wedding was to really be us. We didn’t want a tradition Christian ceremony, we wanted our guest to really feel like they were apart of our wedding and enjoy themselves as much as we were, the bride and groom.

I had Stepha design pockets in the dress so that I could carry my Grandmother’s pendant with me. She is my dad’s mother, she hasn’t passed away but she wasn’t able to be there with us.

I made a gold pendant for my bouquet that held a photo of my father and I on an Easter sunday when I was younger. I was wearing a white dress, he was in a suit.

My dad was a huge trivia buff, so I wrote bits of wedding trivia on the homemade favor bags which held puppy chow.

We hung pictures from both of our parent’s weddings.

I always wanted to use mason jars at my wedding. Joel and I went up in my Mother’s attic to look for her wedding dress in case I wanted to use it to help make mine, while we were up there we found 30 full boxes of old-fashioned mason jars.

Venue: Ashland Berry Farm - I chose the Ashland Berry Farm, because it was the perfect outdoor location I was going for. I really wanted a rustic fence, as well as a barn, and the Berry Farm had both.

Bridal Gown/Veil: Stepha O’Brien-handmade, original design - I always knew I wouldn’t be able to just got to a store and pick out a dress. I always knew what kind of dress I wanted I just didn’t know where I was going to find it. When Stepha was recommended through a friend, I thought, what could be more perfect for a DIY handmade wedding than a handmade dress? Stepha took the design into her own hands and I can’t imagine a dress more perfect for our day.

Bride’s Jewelry: Earrings- New York Adorned, Ring-Bride’s Mother’s My brother, Chris O’Donnell, worked at the tattoo shop located in New York, called New York Adorned. When he worked there, I bought a pair of small gold earrings that the owner had designed over seas and brought back to her shop. The earrings have two love birds perched on a branch.

Bridesmaids dresses: each girl chose their own so their budget & shape needs were cared for. they were given a color swatch by the bride as a color guideline. I’m not into the whole matchy matchy look for bridesmaids, so I gave each of my girls an idea and let me run with it to incorporate their own personal style.

Shoes: Aldo I wanted 50′s looking vintage shoes, and I found the perfect pair at Aldo Shoes

Cake: Costco. We had a dessert reception geared toward saving money with our seemingly ever-increasing budget. The cake toppers were hand sewn by a friend.

Video: KSLE Video

Live Music: Starline Drive (who is now ‘Twain Blue’)

Flowers: wholesale and designed by the bride & wedding planner/friend, Christine

Groom & Groomsman: Urban Outfitters

Get-a-way car: Groom’s Father’s VW Beetle. Joel’s parents drove away in the same model when they were married.

Photographer: Kristin Partin My dream photographer. I found Kristin years before my wedding through a friend that had her bridal’s done by her. The second I saw the bridals I told every one ‘THAT is my wedding photographer.’ It turned out my husband had gone to school with Kristin, I had an in! She was free the date of our wedding and I booked her immediately. Throughout the planning I tried to convince myself to think of a second option in case Kristin wasn’t free, no one was good enough, I had to have her.

LOVE Joel’s father’s bug!  Especially the color, y’alls!  (I mean DOY!)

this sign below?  it is fabulous-er than any sign I’ve seen recently.  I die.

how adorbs is this shot of his sunglasses in his back pocket.  MAXIMUM ADORBS, THAT’S HOW.

I am loving the dancing together near the altar.  LOVING.  someone else please do this, too.  so romantic!

Addendum: I totally owe a Bambino update.  My apologies for it taking this long to share his punim on the blog recently!  Ok, here goes…

A Day in the Life of Bambino McPuppyPants: in a perfect world for Bambino, mom wouldn’t blog, ever.

fin

Ok, so, I’m looking forward to hearing what you guys think…

1) Do you love the idea of a handmade gown for yourself?  Or are you loving yourself those gorgeous ready-t0-wear lovelies?  And what do you think I should do?  Because I’m stuck on the wooden slat bridge of indecision, and I don’t know which way to go without breaking it.  If that makes any sense, at all.  (It doesn’t.)

2) How love is this wedding, you guys?  Whenever I see heart toppers I FREAK OUT in a fit of happiness.  Am I ALONE in this?? :)

xoxo  - Alison

Photography: Kristin Partin Photography / Venue: Ashland Berry Farm / Bridal Gown/Veil: Stepha O’Brien-handmade, original design / Bride’s Jewelry: Earrings- New York Adorned / Shoes : Aldo / Video: KSLE Video  / Live Music : Starline Drive (who is now ‘Twain Blue’) / Groom & Groomsman: Urban Outfitters / Rental Company: Party Perfect

Ok, SO.  It’s what–almost 11pm EST? and hey check me out, cuz I’m BLOGGIN’.  I’ve spent much of the evening trying to wrap up ye olde latest recap of The Bachelor, so it took me a little extra time to get up a normal post today.  Sorry, hope you don’t mind.  Thanks for being so patient, regardless.

Ok here we go.  Something is about to really get underway in my little world, and then kinda sorta potentially blow it the eff up and out.  And I’ve been sitting on it, almost denying its existence, for what feels like forever.  Which is stupid, but I’ll explain why I think that is, shortly.

Yeah so that sounded horrible.  This thing that’s getting underway is a good thing, it’s not a bad thing.  ANYWAY WHATEVER.

I’ve been preparing myself for a while now to begin sharing more of my life with youz guyz.  I really enjoy keeping it real with all y’all; with my new readers just as much as with my loyal readers, which is just as much as with my lurkers :).  I thrill to talk about real stuff just as much as I love sharing killer wedding ideas and inspiration, and it’s why blogging has been so rewarding for me, personally.  I dig that I get to do this, and interacting with and hearing feedback from you guys is honestly my favorite part of the whole thing.  It drives me to blog.  I cherish the relationship we have – it’s weird but I feel like I know all of you – and I’m looking forward to all that is to come.  All the juicy, tearful, intense, bodily-function-related, joyous, sexy and generally emotional topics we have yet to discuss in depth.  Especially the sexy and the emotional.  The bodily-function-related come in dead last.  Dead. last.

Now, this getting more personal thing?  I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t tell you that it’s frightening new territory for me.  And so I hope it’s not a bother or something you’re not interested in hearing more regularly.  Do just let me know.  It’s just that on the occasions that I’ve gotten pretty personal in the past, I’ve noticed that it’s something you guys seemed to react to quite positively, and waaay more of you consistently seemed to identify with the experiences I was blogging about than I’d ever expected.  The thing is, you may be surprised to hear this but it’s kind of really hard for me to get super personal about *me* and the ins and outs of my personal life.  Laying all of that out… like, just putting it out there and being raw like that… it’s a scary notion.  I’m a very private person, believe it or not.  It’s taken me months even to get to this point, of readiness, just to start talking about doing this.

No I’m not pregnant.  I think it was starting to sound like a pregnancy announcement.  Sorries!  Not. Pregs.  Ok as I was saying.

Ok.  Here’s what I feel you need to know about me:

I’m not good at being the center of attention.  That’s wrong; the truth is I’m actually pretty horrible at it.  Because I’ve never felt that it’s something that I necessarily deserve, even on my birthday.  I am blessed to have kind parents; I truly couldn’t have lucked out more in that department, and so that’s why I’m absolutely certain that a person’s psyche and personality is as much if not more the result of nature, as it is the result of nurture.  Because I’ve been more of a wallflower than anything else, all my life.

Most of the people I know are very into celebrating their birthdays and other special occasions in the most exciting and explosive ways they possibly can; many celebrate over a series of days!  I actually admire people like that.  People who can grab hold of the beauty of their existence, and then celebrate the f**k out of it, like everyone deserves to do.  To celebrate life.  Parties are a beautiful celebration of life, love and togetherness, and they are something I find paramount to a pleasurable existence.  Celebration.  Still, for me to celebrate MY existence, on a scale any larger than at home with some family and a couple of friends?  It’s something I just could never, ever wrap my head around doing, without feeling like a fool.

I’m actually tearing up now, writing this.  I didn’t expect to get all emo on your asses today.  Though it’s kind of reaffirming the fact that I should be blogging topics like this one.

I think I come off as a really outgoing, confident, in control kind of person on this blog.  And while the outgoing part is accurate at this point in my life, the ‘confident’ part?  Still working on that.  Getting better, but not even close to where I hope to be in the future.  And the ‘in control’ part?  I am convinced, as I rightly should be, that any semblance of control I may dream of having in life is destined to elude me for the duration of my existence on this Earth.  I believe that, by virtue of the crazy, free-spiritedness that is my birthright, I simply don’t get to have the *organized, with a great memory* birthright that is intrinsic to the nature of so many of the people I admire and who exist in my personal world.

That’s of course where Honey and I come together (SHUT IT, NOT LIKE THAT).  We complement one another in some of the best ways I could have dreamed for my life, in a partner and in a relationship, and so it’s something I cherish and thank my lucky stars for quite regularly.

So anyway.  I wanted to share all of that with you, not only so that you’d start to get to know a little bit more about me and how I am and how I function, but also so that I could offer you a bit more understanding as to why it has taken me many months to become comfortable with this next huge step I’m taking, which is coming in the form of the-biggest-announcement-of-my-life, this week.

Just writing that gives me goosebumps.  Or it could be Bambino licking my foot right now.  It’s either Bambino or the sharefest I just threw up all over your faces.

Speaking of Bambino.  My bro shared this video with me today and if you haven’t already seen it, omigod I hope you love even half as much as I do.  It made my WORLD.

I hope you’re digging the sharing, you guys.  Cuz I sort of preemptively just did a crapload of sharing, you know, up there where I wrote a post.  I’m hoping the heads-up about our upcoming giveaway with the amazeballs Tessa Kim makes up for the blah blah blabbering!  I’mma stop talking now.

xoxo  - Alison

Image credits, clockwise: sheer dress / Tessa Kim by Candice Benjamin Photography / Grace Kelly on the beach / Tessa Kim by Candice Benjamin Photography

Tessa Kim and Candice Benjamin Photography are members of Vendor Love.  To browse our recommended vendors, click here.

Me again.  Happy Saturday you guys.  FYI, my announcement comes a little later on today if you’re wondering.

Let me just say, here, that Ben’s kissing technique is murdering my face.  I can hardly stands it.  NO’MOES.

Cue the tribal beats and it’s abundantly clear that we’re in Interlaken, Switzerland, commonly known as the land of questionable and highly suspect alliances, and ambivalence.  But The Bachelor is the land of the perfect metaphor, so undoubtedly this is a perfect fit for our protagonist this season.  Ohh and fun fact– this is that episode in the season where one woman is sent home for having Ben’s least favorite gooey center.  A great episode to be sent home on.  A great one.  Amazing!  Amazing.  I am excited.  If anyone was worried that there was nothing good left on television anymore, well, I FEEL YOU.

In other news, I’m going to explain why in a second, but I just want to let you know that the amount of screen grabs you’re used to was not a real possibility for this recap this time around.  I could get only a bit more than a handful, but I did my best, you guys.  Here are a few to start you off.  They are hairtastic.

This is a good time to let you know that this recap took so effing long to put together because I’ve been nowhere near a DVR or a TiVo (DVR’s inbred cousin) since Tuesday morning, which means I’ve had the super duper fun task of trying to capture the ideal screen grab from a moving television program on ABC’s website because when you press “pause” on the website it goes BLANK EFFING SCREENFACED.  So you know who to thank.  For that.  Anyway as you can see I’m no happies about that, because I really, really, REALLY hate making you wait for this s**t platter I dare to call a legitimate recap every week.  I see your tweets asking for it, and I’m like, I waaaant to give it to you, I swear, I just cannot manage!!!  And it’s also fun that I’m disappointing Honey as we speak because he took me on this Atlanta trip we’re on for the Radiohead concert but also so that he could take me out tonight to see his favorite sights but I finally had a good internet connection here and I hadn’t completed this recap yet so we stayed in, AND AAAAAND Lady Shark Week just started so I’m pretty much in disbelief I haven’t started to cry uncontrollably yet but whatever, WHATEVER.  Let’s get back to the show, where were we?  Oh right, Ben was about to start banging some chicks in order to make a decision on who to live with forever and watch bear children for him who will be named Dad, Daddons, Daddette, Dadson and the WHITTLEST will be named DEHDEH, as an homage to a love lost.

BEN: “I’ve felt every emotion.”

Is this real life?  Every?  Emotion?  Every emotion?  What is going on right now; like, did I miss something?  Did I miss an episode where Ben felt the other 99% of the emotions he never experiences in front of us?

No matter, because everybody knows that Ben’s emotional spectrum is limited to the adjectives included on the cover of a scrapbook that’s on the floor of a helicopter somewhere.  Everybody, everybody knows this.

9 min in: Ok so we are nine minutes in now and at this point we realize that Ben has been talking for at least nine minutes.  And it is at this early juncture that I start to worry about my blacking out threshold in a very real way.  About whether it has gotten less, or more, able to withstand things like endless rivers of banal metaphor, and hyperbolic assertions so hyperbolic in their sheer hyperbolicness that pre-teen girls the world over are turning to the screen in disgust to say “I cannot believe how much those girls exaggerate on that show.  I just can’t, you guys, I can’t.  It’s killing me.  Like, I’m dying.  I’m dead.  I am completely dead from the unrestrained hyperbole going on on ABC right now.  Seriously you guys.  OMIGOD HOW HOT IS DAVE FROM SHOP CLASS BY THE WAY??!!!!!!  Did you see?– he wore all Abercrombie, from like, HEAD TO TOE, Abercrombie.  Soooo hot.  Even his shoes–did you know they make shoes now?  Oh Jenny, you knew?  Jenny knew.  Anyway OMG I wanna lay there in shop class and just let Dave, like, have his way with me.  Because I’m twelve years old and we have sex now, at this age.”

The More You Know.  (Rainbow graphic.)

UMM HOLY S**T THERE’S EMILY IN A BODY-CON RED DRESS AND WE’RE BAAAAACK.  That was pretty hot.  And now men everywhere (and myself) have officially been wooed into watching another season.  You’re doing it right, producers.

In fact that whole scene was kind of full of– wait, what ISSSSSSZZ that.  Wait, wait that’s– that’s what attractive people look like.  omigod RIGHT!

I’d forgotten that usually the Chosen Ones on this series are typically actually somewhat attractive, and that we are just experiencing a hiccup this season.  *figuratively wipes sweat from brow* *figuratively flicks sweat onto phantom Bambino* *phantom because I’m in a hotel room without Bambino because Bambinos don’t fly well* *don’t worry though* *Bambino is with his grandparents who give me daily reports on his progress with them* *today’s report: “Bambino is extremely adorable Alison, and he’s the best, too, also he follows me and Dad everywhere it’s the cutest thing and I love him, and are you sure you need him back on Sunday?”* *I’mma stop it with the asterisks now, sorry*

DATE WITH NICKI, THE SEXY TEXY

Nicki talks to us about what happened last episode, and then opens her mouth real wide-like, so, SO wide, wiiiiiide open, and for a long while, and the visual which for some reason I had to rewind three times because I had trouble believing it was happening serves to erases my short-term memory so I couldn’t tell you any of what she just said.  I’m sure it had something to do with love and San Francisco and how she doesn’t understand why her parents who are divorced were in the same house like everything was cool or something on that hometown date.  (You guys, I didn’t get that.  Why were they in the same house?)

Ben is waiting in a field, and Nicki starts walking towards him.  She acknowledges the fact that she can actually see him only when she reaches a point that is approximately 100 feet away from him.  This is known as ‘The Cool Spot’ and it is to be found immediately after leaving ‘The Void,’ which is the area between your starting point of stepping into an open field of grass no higher than your boot top, and the “You’re-Almost-There Point” – which is, conveniently, also The Cool Spot.  She played it coy like she didn’t see him for the mile of open flatland she had been walking towards him up until that point.  Because it’s important to wait until it looks only mostly ridiculous that you just walked towards him trying to fake that you didn’t realize he was there until the last second.  Ok but seriously, all jokes aside you guys, I totally felt her on that.  Gotta make believe you don’t see the man you’re approaching in the middle of a field UNTIL you’re within legit eyeshot of one another.  Any sooner and it’s just awkwardly trying to connect at the eye, but from too far away, and it is just WRETCHED and uncool and you don’t wanna do it.  You can’t fall in love that way, if you start off like that, nope.  Otherwise your only option is to apply for a dating show oh wait.

She arrives and they embrace.  Coolbeans!

And then this is the point when, like an idiot, I check my twitter feed and see that someone tweeted about who Ben sent home during the rose ceremony (I had been busy so I had to start the show late).  And I say to Honey, “s**t, Honey, I just spoiled myself with a spoiler tweet on twitter about the bachelor results.”

And then Honey goes, “…. what do those words mean?”

And I cry softly about what my life has become.

HELI TIME AND GOOD VANTAGE POINTS; IT TAKES… TWO FOR NICKI?

13 min in: Nicki asks “whudderrrweh duuuinn?” and Ben, totally hilarious ’cause he’s so hilarious you guys, teases “well, we’re in Switzerland… home of… the Alps…. so it would be a good vantage point… from thE SSSKKYYYYYUHH?!!!”

A little later Nicki says to the camera, “I’m looking forward to spending the whole day with Ben.  How can you not be stoked about that??!”

It’s actually pretty easy, Nicki.  From my vantage point.

At about 13.2 minutes in, a helicopter comes and I am SHOCKED.  A helicopter?  What in the what?  On The Bachelor, of all shows?

Ben does a happy dance but it is not well received by Nicki, and so Ben ceases immediately because someone is not mirroring his every word and move for the first time this season.  Nicki is like, “sir I will not do your happy dance, I am a lady.  I will not stand here and perform this dance that mimics the crushing of so many grapes, not when it is my chosen field upon our marriage union.  I will NOT, sir.  And I would that you please refrain from bringing me into such times of levity and gayness.”  and then she’s like “okthanksbye.”  Just kidding, she’s more like “ANYTHING FOR YOU MY PRINCE,” like pretty much all of these girls this season.  AAAGGGGGH I CAN’T TAKE IT NO MOE.

The helicopter comes down to land, and Ben says something like, “umm gow MOE TOE DOE TAH!” or maybe it was “IBBA HELICOPTAHH!” or whatever and Nicki says “yyyYYYYAAAAYYYYYY!!!!” into Ben’s face, and they breakdance, and clapping goes on, and other things toddlers do when they have to choose between being happy and breathing.

NICKI: “This is my SECOND helicopter ride, ever, in a helicopter, and it’s with BEN!”

Wait WHAAAAAAAAAAAHHH?  No way, Nicki’s been in a heli before?  Where, was the first time also with Ben?  Or did she like– whatever, I don’t care to expand on this though because I’m pretty sure that they’re flying high in a helicopter and I just heard Ben go “my relationship with Nicki is reaching new heights, but at the same time, it’s grounded.”  And also, things like, “Wild ride.  she is not an ICE queen.  She makes me feel glay-…cier.  Nicki’s icewall is MELTING, away.  I feel like we climbed up Nicki’s mountain and are settling safely on the leeward side of Nicki, sheltered from the harsh Switzerland winds.  I want to be inside Nicki.  SORRY, WAIT, NO– what I meant to say was that I hope to have time later, possibly during the bedroom portion of our date, to explore Nicki’s Hölloch caves, which are located in Switzerland, and are unseasonably warm and inviting, especially for this area.”  (And then Ben goes to himself, “YES, nice save, Ben.  Hölloch caves, haHAH!  Well done, old friend.”  Ben has learned to talk to himself due to his lack of having friends.)

I have to wonder if the producers think they’re tricking me/us into thinking this is just the way words fall out of these kids’ mouths.  I think my three year old nephew would take one look at this show and yell “Ben, ahh woo siwee-uss?  oo cannabi siwee-uss widis!”  And then my nephew would also say to him “Ben pweeese chooz Windzee; she speak mye wanguage when she say ‘HEWICOPTEWR!’ inna ooliuh episode. I wykes ha a wotte Ben!”

18 min in, NICKI: “Standing on top of this mountain with Ben… the view goes on forever…. (it’s not enough so she’s told to keep it going in the interview)… whiiiiiich can be compared to our future together.  YES, there’s, always, the cliff, there, you could fall off of, which could be compared to our relationship, possibly ending, abruptly, and soon.”

HAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHH magnificent.

COMMERCIAL / BACK

NICKI: “I had the best day.  Ben has another surprise…” and I’m thinking to myself, Nicki, tell me it’s literally a log cabin…

“IT’S LITERALLY A LOG CABIN.”  She tells me.  OMG LITERALLY?  And I wanna go, “please stop using this word the wrong way, Entire World, ” but then I realize this is the one case in which it was used correctly on the show, and then I feel bested and owned.

BEN: “Every time I see Nicki, she’s having a better time than the last.  Those are GREAT signs” … of Nicki wholly lacking emotional peaks and valleys.  Which is perfect because my ideal candidate will be nothing more than a proxy for my emotional state.

Nicki drones on about how literally she feels things for Ben, and how she’s literally really excited about their future, in a literal sense.

Ben says things such as “she’s incredible,” and then I start to think to myself… surely Ben’s utter lack of descriptive adjectives to distinguish these women from each other is understandable, right?  Because really, if I’m honest, how many different ways can I honestly describe my Honey?  Surely it would be difficult to go the span of a season talking about him in interviews with unique words every time.  And then add in that I’m a heartless robot from the Stone Age, having to keep track of more than one women and the attributes that are specific to her, and it’s like, I might as well pack it in.

FANTASY SUITE CARD ROUND – NICKI’S TURN TO SIT ON IT

Do you guys think Chrisharrison actually writes these cards?  I often wonder that.  Somebody will be reading the card and then out of nowhere they’ll say, “signed, Chris” and I’m always JOLTED out of my seat by the fact that Chrisharrison is always the one to invite ladies to play with Ben’s peen.  What a weird job you have, Chrisharrison.

I really love the part where Ben lied about how he wanted to continue his and Nicki’s love story by f**king.  So romantic.

BEN, regarding the fantasy suite card: “I’m very excited to spend some alone time with Nicki.  You know, these moments are very important… you get to know a lot about a person‘s vagina.”

NICKI: “it’s been about a year and a half since I’ve had intercourse with a man my ex-husband and I separated… but, the fantasy suite… it’s not something I take lightly.”

They’re in the HOT TUB!!!  Alison’s gettin’ herself some hot tub tv action on the Bachelor!!! FINALEMENT!!!!  I have been begging for this long enough, it’s about friggin’ time, ABC.

Nicki decides to repeatedly tell Ben that she is literally for real to the infinite in love and loves him.  Ben immediately loses interest.

DATE WITH LINDZI

They go on a death-defying date and it becomes obvious that the producers a) are consistently getting Lindzi to tell them her fears, and b) are lying to her about how her makeup looks.

One observation: have you guys noticed how, when Lindzi speaks, her facial contortions would lead one to believe that she’s saying some pretty complex, heavy, thought-provoking things, with the way she focuses so hard, and furrows her brow, and looks extremely confused, and just generally always seems like she is saying more than, “horses are my fave.”

Ben goes, “OVERNIGHT PORTION” and I lose it.  Ceaseless projectile vomiting that goes from 11am until 7pm.  Why can’t we call things what they are in this Bachelor world?  It is a sex tryout.  It is a chance to see if the P fits into the V.  It is what it is, and we’re all adults here except for this Ben guy.

No seriously that’s what Ben called it.  ”Overnight portion.”  It’s like-

OH GOD HE’S—IT’S A BOWTIE, BEN IS WEARING A BOWTIE.  WHO IZZZZZZZZZ HE???!!!!  You guys I can’t wait for this season to be OVER.  I need to never see him again, or his fashions.  I bet his wine tastes like boredom, dreams unfulfilled and a hint of his father’s cologne.  I can’t wait to STOP TALKING ABOUT BEN FLAJNIK.  I think I’m just completely over this entire season and need to start in on Emily’s season.  Like, I need that to start ASAP.

Ok, listen.  Can I tell you what I hate about this date?  The most?  It’s the moment when Ben invites– sorry, Chrisharrison invites Lindzi to sleep with Ben in a suite full of fantasies and broken promises.  Lindzi does the thing most girls would do–heck I guess even I might do–and that is, say:

“Normally I just don’t–like, stay the night, with just, anyone…. BUT………. WHOOPS MY DRESS FELL OFF!”

I hope that one day the ladies on this show won’t feel like they have to act a certain way to be respected by Ben and the audience.  Go touch him while you’re both naked, it’s ok!  For chrissake you’ve already agreed to be on a televised reality dating show!  The worst is behind you!

BEN: “I know it can be really difficult for Lindzi to express herself…”

Hahah.  That’s actually an unexpectedly accurate observation, Ben.  Kind of insulting, but accurate, nonetheless.

DATE WITH COURTNEY

Ben greets Courtney in this:

Now I have to be honest, I got really bored watching this date on a train and listening to Courtney explain herself and start to cry and I found myself walking around on the internet’s face and I somehow I got to this video while I wasn’t paying attention to Courtney talking.

BEHBEH VISITS

I love my BEHBEH McWHITTLES too much to comment on this segment.  So let’s just leave it behind us with a collective acknowledgment that she probably shouldn’t have come back and done what she did.  Which was to see if there was still a chance, and then, once clear that there wasn’t a chance, proceed to try to eff up his world by warning him about Courtney.

We need to accept that Courtney is meant for Ben, and vice versa.  They are a perfect fit.  They need one another.  Also, I don’t want any of the other girls to end up with him because they’ll only get hurt in the end, as he is an emotionless mound of non-personality who actually has the gall repeatedly to indicate the importance of “the lady I choose needs to be able to fit into my life.”

GIRLS, RUN AS FAST AND AS FAR AWAY AS YOU CAN FROM MEN WHO SAY THINGS LIKE THIS.  Please, just trust me.

CHAT AMONGST BROHANS

Totally not into it, Chrisharrison asks Ben wussup bro.  Ben also calls Chrisharrison a bro, and he’s clearly uncomfortable with the phrasing, as many wealthy wine makers are.  Also, I was throwing up during their entire exchange.  Here’s what I took away, in between hurls…

 ROSE CEREMONY

V  How did these dresses happen  V

So here’s what goes down:

Ben totally keeps Lindzi.  Because Lindzi finally looks sexy.

It’s down to Courtney impersonating the little girl from The Ring and Nicki in the “Grecian Goddess in Ivory” polyester costume she found at a year-round Halloween shop she found during a layover on her way to start filming.

He picks Courtney DUUHH and sends Nicki packing.  Cue me feeling absolutely terrible for Nicki.  She was so sweet, you guys!  She was so genuine.  I hope she’s doing ok, I really genuinely liked her.

Ben walks Nicki out, and, wanting to avoid a need for a return visit a la Kacie B, Ben tries to be as perfectly clear and thorough as possible in his explanation of why Nicki is not going to fit perfectly into his life.  And we all assume it was sex-related, because that’s the way it goes with this episode.  Not the ideal episode to be kicked off of, in my opinion.  Unless you think of it as you were the girl who refused to give it up.  If we look at it that way, then brava, Nicki.  Way to keep the goodies to yourself.  You’ll be congratulating yourself a year from now, I PROMISE YOU THIS.

~ FIN ~

Ok, you guys.  YOU GUYS.  Since it IS my Shark Week I feel like you guys are possibly totally hating me right now for what was most likely a lackluster recap up there.  But pleeeaaase don’t hate me.  I don’t think I can take it.  It came down to me just having waaay too much on my plate this month – like, wedding blog related stuff - and traveling is never conducive to proper recapping.  It sucks like that.  Sincerest apologies to my recap faithfuls, forreals.  I hope you enjoyed it at least somewhat, peeps.

In any case, I would love to hear your thoughts/reactions/fave moments/observations/reasons why you’ve decided never to watch The Bachelor/ette ever again, ever.  Anything, really.  I just wanna hear you talk now, if you’re into it.

xoxo  - Alison

P.S – The Announcement is being posted todizzle, fo’ shizzle, my nizzles.  FYI, todizzle = Saturday, March 3rd.  I can finally share it.  I seriously feel like I’ve been waiting forever.  And I’m sure that you do, too.

Hey everybody, happy number two post of Saturday, March 3rd!  Ok I’m crazy excited and don’t exactly know what to do with myself, and therefore I don’t know what to do with this post.  The gist is, 2012 is shaping up to be one of the most intense, exciting, neurotic, rewarding, busy, bringing-out-of-all-insecurities-known-and-yet-to-be-happened-upon-at-inopportune-times, fun, exhausting and joyful years of my life, for many wonderful reasons related to work and play, but the most important one being this next one:

Honey put a ring on it a whiiiiile back, and it’s time.  We’re right here right now kicking off the planning of our wedding.  And we’re getting married in the fall of this year.  High kick, woot!

Some of you might be thinking to yourselves, “wait, THAT’S the news?  I thought she was married already.”  I’m not. :)

I seriously took forever and ever to come to the decision to announce this finally, and therefore start planning.  I think it’s a potent combination of “holy s**t it’s happening!” mixed with my intense fear of making something that’s so private, just so incredibly, overwhelmingly, can’t-take-it-back-edly PUBLIC.  Especially being such private people, the way we both are.  I mean, once you get the wheels rolling on something like this, it’s not something you can just put a stop to if you’re feeling overwhelmed, and I wanted to be really, really ready to start these planning wheels a-rollin’ in such a public way.  And the thing is, I wanna share the experience with you.  The whole process.  The good, the not so good, the downright insane.  Even the emotional meltdowns, if I have any.  LOL I WILL HAVE THOSE.

I’m also very open to and excited about hearing your thoughts and suggestions, if you might have any.  I get inspired by you guys all the time.  I’ve already been feeling really overwhelmed just via the act of getting ready to start planning, so you can imagine how *interesting* a process this will be for us.  But I think, above all, it’s going to be the bestest, funnest year ever.  And I can’t wait to watch it all happen.  And even more, I can’t wait for the day I get to tell Honey how much I love him in front of all of our family and friends, kiss him right on the FACE, and then walk back down the aisle, my hand in his, married, and ready to start out on this road together for the rest of our lives.

You guys, I can’t wait.

:)

I wonder if any of you are getting married this year, too?  Or if anyone has any advice for me, or for Honey, or just in general?  I would love to hear anything you might have to say. :)

xoxo!  - Alison, soon to be Mrs. Honey. ;)

Image by Elizabeth Messina; design by Lisa Vorce of Oh, How Charming!; design and florals by Mindy Rice.

Happy Wednesday evening, friends and family!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I’m baaaack!  From my whittle burfday vacation in the south.  And I feel like a million buc–aaahhh, well, I don’t know if I’d say *a million* bucks.  Maybe more like a thousand bucks?  A thousand bucks.  Give me the ass I had when I was 18 and maybe then we’ll talk.

BUT I DIGRESS.

I have two things to share today; one is one of the loveliest southern weddings ever, submitted by our friends Vania and Christine of Simply Bloom Photography.  I thought it would be the perfect first post to share with your eyes upon our return from our little Georgia vacation.  Christine, I need to know where you got that green dress you were wearing at Airplanes & Blazers at WPPI.  Because it was a minty-fresh dream of a flowy frock.

The second thing I’m sharing today is wooHOO!, my very first horrible wedding planning dream.  Which I had last night.  Which is the night of the day of the confirmation of the visiting of the possible wedding venue.  Isn’t that great?  That’s great.

See here’s the thing.  I am fuh-REAKING. out in general right now because we are taking actual steps here, you know, in the actual planning of this wedding we’re having.  It’s one thing to announce the decision to be wed this year, but it’s quite another to start making the decision a reality by putting into place the necessary elements required to bring the event to life.  And I’m a little bit in disbelief that we’re visiting a possible wedding venue this Friday.  AAAHHH!!!  I’m sorry, this is just so mind-blowing to me.  We happen to be rather psyched about this venue, and we’ve enjoyed our discussions with them so far.  I’m just hoping the in-person IRL viewing element is as positive as I’m expecting it to be.  As you can imagine, I’m essentially hemorrhaging wedding inspiration out of my eyeballs and various other orifices on my body, at all times.  I bleed inspiration, instead of the typical red, white and blue of so many patriots.  So this whole decision-making process, as a whole, is definitely going to be… a toughish road.  You feel me?

So, naturally, last night I had my first – of what I am expecting to be an endless series – of nightmares about our wedding.  And I can’t help but laugh at myself for how incredibly superficial this is.  But I told you I was going to give you the nitty gritty, so…….

Last night, I dreamed that…………… it was two days before our wedding, and I wasn’t tan enough.

I WASN’T TAN ENOUGH.

WTF, me.

You wanna smack me, right?  For having such a superficial nightmare.  The superficial nightmare to end all nightmares of total arrogance and self-importance.  But I’m telling you, I WAS VERY SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING POSTPONING THE WEDDING OVER THIS, IN THE DREAM.

The fun part about this is that I mapped out my Lady Shark Week monthly predictions, and I’m pretty sure I’m cutting it within a four-day window of HAVIN’ ZEE PERRIUUHHD on or around the body and face of my actual wedding day.  So it would seem that my appearance is becoming a bit of a serious concern, in my subconscious.

Am I insane, or is this *bad dreams about the wedding* thing more common than I’m currently imagining.  I cannot be alone in this.

Time for a killer southern wedding, Y’ALLS.  Gosh I love it when Simply Bloom Photography shoots me stuff like this.  I think you’ll love it, too, you guys.

First, here’s the rundown from that gorgeous bride, Becca:

Justin and I met in high school. When I first saw him, I thought his smile was SO beautiful, and I just could not take my eyes off of him. We have so many things in common, such as a deep love for art and music, and we continue to learn from each other every day. Definitely the most important aspect to our relationship is to just keep each other smiling. So in planning our wedding, we wanted to let people in to the joy we feel in being together. We knew we wanted an outdoor wedding, and we wanted an intimate family feel as well. So we felt it would be so special to be married in the back yard of Justin’s family home. We didn’t want to distract from the atmosphere, so the theme of our wedding really centered on complimenting the scenery. We wanted it to be bright and cheery, natural and bold at the same time. In the planning, it was so important to us to be able to make our wedding as personal as possible, and to be as involved in the process as we could. So, anything we could do ourselves, we did. For my part, I hand-made the boutonnieres and the honey-jar wedding favors. (The honey was actually supplied by a close family friend who has a honeybee farm in their backyard-so special!) Since Justin is a musician, he really wanted to write the music for the ceremony. He wrote the most gorgeous music, orchestrated it, and performed it on the guitar while everyone walked down the aisle. Of course when it was my turn to walk down, he let the rest of the musicians take over ;). Without a doubt, the best part of the wedding was walking down the aisle to his music, and witnessing the sweet look on his face when I came around the corner. The second best part: having his wonderful father perform the ceremony.

My advice for brides to be:
I have to pass down the BEST advice we got while planning our wedding — Don’t take it all so seriously! I can’t tell you how many times someone said to me, “if I would have known how stressful planning a wedding was going to be, I would have eloped!” So many couples say that, and it’s unfortunate! Justin and I really had so much fun planning the wedding together (not to say that we didn’t experience some stressful moments). Try to let your family and friends in as much as you can without going crazy, and it will be that much more special. All in all, just try to concentrate on the fun and excitement of planning your wedding, and the love you have for each other, and hopefully you’ll remember the whole process with fondness.

Ok, now enjoy the loveliness, lovies!

Ok, so…

1) Do any of you ever experience bad dreams when you’re about to undertake a huge life experience?  I honestly don’t think I’m going to be able to stand regularly having eerily real-feeling dreams about how everything is going to go WRONG on my wedding day.

This is NOT ok, Alison.  Stop doing this to yourself, me.  Not cool at all, brain in my head.  Get it together, myself!

2) Do you love this wedding?  And how about that COLOR SCHEME, eh?  EH?!  Any favorite aspects?  I’m excited to hear your take. :)

xoxo  - Alison

Photography: Simply Bloom Photography / Dress: Pronovias (Arzelles in Nashville) / Flowers: Bishops Flowers in Huntsville, AL / Hair Accessories: Lo Boheme & Untamed Petals / Cakes: Peggy Ann Bakery / DJ: Metropolitan Disk Jockey Service / Rentals: Mullins in Huntsville

Happy Thursday to your beautiful faces, my darlings.  I’m kind of foaming at the mouth about this vendor so I’m just gonna hop right to it so you can catch the rabies-like excitement that’s going around this office apartment right now…

Oh, and I’m feeling especially gipperrrrr today because it’s kind of the nicest weather we’ve had in a gazillion years, and weather has this funny way of wholly determining my emotional state during that *special time* of the month.  Good times.  Good times!  Ahh-MAZING.

Ok, SO.  If you know me at all, you know I am obsessed with extremely amazeballs things within the wedding realm.  And that I don’t feature something unless I dig it, myself, and would indeed consider using it for my own wedding.  I don’t think I could STAND being a blogger if I wasn’t speaking exclusively about the stuff I love.

On that note, on a scale of one to seizing, I am having a personal dance party over my beloved Minted.  I must visit that place at least once a week, and probably more frequently now that we’ve started planning our wedding.  Just to see what’s new on stage in their modern wedding invitations arena and to check out the newest options within their save the date postcards, and y’know, just to play around in general with all of my fave designs and stuff and things and such and then some.  Visiting Minted is sort of like playing a game of Candyland with the kids you’re babysitting, except – and this is an important ‘except’ – you actually WANT to be there, playing the game, and you don’t want it to end because your eyes and mind are so happy just to be there, looking at all the exquisite eye candy.  The only drawback is you don’t get paid at the end of the night.  (I loved the game Candyland until I had to start playing it at the age of 16 with every baby I ever babysat, ever.  The only game that babysitting hasn’t ruined for me is Operation.)

ANYWHOSIT.  It’s obviously up to you what you choose, BUT, if I may be so bold…

HERE ARE SOME OF MY FAVES :)

Celebrate Florals…

chalkboard…

Barn Party!…

Classically Modern…

 Eclectic…

Mr. Laurence…

In The Park…

Papel Picado…

Pink Blossoms…

Banner And Branches…

Any faves?  Better yet… any recommendations for ME & HONEY?  No, seriously.  No, SERIOUSLY.  I cannot make decisions.  I have lost that ability.

xoxo  - Alison

Happy Monday eveningish, peepsicles!  As I wrap up the writey part of this post, I’m already running a bit late for an event tonight, so I’m slightly freaking out but also trying to stay calm, cool and collected so that I don’t completely lose my s**t.  You see, today is kind of a lot, and I’ve been sitting very still on purpose, so as not to allow my panties to get all in a bunch.  I hear that happens with panties when you get in a tizzy.  Also, I hear *panties* is a much reviled word.  So I’mma stop using it, for that reason, but also because I’m sure today’s bride is absolutely THRILLED that I’ve used the word *panties* a total of what, four times now?  We should probably move on.

NUMBER ONE: I’ve got this incredibly lovely wedding to share with you, submitted by the amazeballs Lauren of Lauren Rae Photography, and the wedding is tushietastic.  By that I don’t mean it’s got an unusually high number of tushies; I mean it’s got the most fine-a$$ decor inspiration I’ve seen in a southern rustic wedding this month, not to mention, I’m completely in love with that altar!!!

NUMBER TWO: I’ve got some pics from our most recent wedding venue visit to a pretty spectacular place, and I’m psyched to show you, but it turns out I have to wait until tomorrow now, because I couldn’t get them back in time!  Sorries :(  (We did a little horsing around… you’ll see.)

Which brings us to the actual NUMBER TWO: This one is sort of weird……

I didn’t tell you guys this, but I spent Monday night of last week watching The Bachelor’s Women Tell All episode over at the lovely Ashley Spivey’s home.  She’s a former bachelor contestant – Brad’s season.  Remember the adorably cute and sweet Ashley, who isn’t The Bachelorette Ashley?  Well that’s her.  Good news; Ashley’s one of those rare ones… one of the few and far between bachelorette contestants who’s actually cool, and normal, and a good time.  There were lots of cool ladies present, however guess who in particular was a bit of a mindf**k to meet?  That evening, I had the pleasure of meeting Jenna the Blogger from this past season – I’m SURE y’all remember that young lady, yes? – and guess what?  She’s totally more sane in person.  I mean that in the nicest of ways, Jenna.  Obvs.  … also, umm, see you tonight.  :\

But anyway, I’m heading over to the Z100 finale party downtown and I’m KIND OF EXTREMELY CRAZED ABOUT IT.  Because I’ll admit, of the ladies from this most recent Bachelor season, I have yet to meet a few of the ladies I was MOST AGGRESSIVELY MOCKTASTIC about.

So.  We’ll uhhh…… we’ll see how tonight goes, overall.  Wish me luck?  Anything in particular you think I should mention to any of the ladies from this most recent season?  Lay it on me. ;)

ANYWHOSIT, to celebrate the entire season of The Bachelor, I give you this video, which one of our members shared with me on twitter yesterday.  It’s like they got inside of my mind and then made a video out of what was stuck in my brain matter.  Or, I’m totally not special, and everyone’s been thinking the same stuff I’ve been thinking about Ben.  Maybe we’ll never know.

Wedding tiempo has arrived!  First, listen to the rundown from that beautiful bride, Sara:

Our wedding day was the most special for both George and I and our wonderful families. It was held on my dad’s birthday, October 15th, and almost exactly 6 months from the actual day we got married at the Columbus city courthouse in April. We wanted to go ahead and tie the knot and then stress about the details later. We also wanted a cooler temperature wedding considering it’s only cool in Columbus for about 2 months. Planning wasn’t as much of a stressfest as most brides make it out to be especially because I had my awesome mom to count as a wedding planner, decorator, and personal assistant. George and I are the most laidback easygoing people you will ever meet and knew we wanted the wedding to take place in a setting that everyone could kick back and have fun at. We chose our cute venue, Lake Pines, because of the rustic vibe and because of how close it was to our actual home (less than 10 minutes). We both gravitate towards old vintage things and knew, once we saw the inside, that this was going to be the place for us.

I had the best luck finding the vendors that worked so closely with us, our caterers, our florist, and our awesome photographer, whom I’ve actually known for several years. The biggest thanks goes to my mother, though, for tirelessly browsing wedding websites, antique markets, and pinning endless pins on Pinterest. George and I are very family oriented and have a small group of extremely close friends with whom we got to spend the most special day of our lives with.

Advice to brides? Take it EASY. If you’ve got an overbearing mother, maybe let her take the reigns a little bit on this one. You’re going to have a lot on your plate and as long as you’ve got someone helping you out, you are golden!

Okie dokie, I’d love to hear what you think!  Here are some questions if you’re interested in answering questions today.  ’Course, you could always just go ahead and write whatever you want in the comments; these are just discussion topics I thought of…

1) What’s your favorite element of today’s wedding?  I’m LOVING the altar, but you already knew that.

2) Like I said, anything I should mention to the ladies of this season of The Bachelor?  Or should I just give all of them a group sympathy hug, for enduring such a craptastic several weeks of competing for a dbag.  Your call, you guys.  Your call.

xoxo  - Alison

Lauren Rae Photography is a member of Vendor Love.  Explore more of her work here, in our guide.

Photography: Lauren Rae Photography / Submitted via Two Bright Lights / Venue: Lake Pines Event Center / Florist: Scheduled Occasions / Bride’s Dress Designer: Adele Wechsler / Bride’s Dress Shop (also for the veil): Kelly’s Closet / Bride’s Shoes: Modcloth / Bride’s Rings: Melissa Joy Manning / Groom’s Ring: Vintage, a family heirloom / Groom’s Suit: Calvin Klein / DJ: Studio One Entertainment / Favors: Dani Jamz / Catering: Avalon / Event Design: The bride’s mother / Hair & Makeup: Cara Cesaro – 404-895-9925 / Random Antique pieces & decor: Vintage, mostly from Queen of Hearts antiques / & Front Porch of the South

Now is as good a time as any to tell you that I’m having a lot of trouble processing the cloaks factor of Monday night’s episode.  I’m anxious to get to it.  Pray this entire recap isn’t riddled with references to cloaks and types of people who wear capes, because it’s sort of the dominant gene in this pool right now.

I AM SO GLAD IT’S OVER.  This guy is the dictionary definition of a drag of a human being who is less properly equipped for finding love than Bambino’s balls are equipped for making new Bambinos.  But I’ll pity a ball-less (ballsless?  balllless?) Bambino who’s none the wiser before I’ll feel even an ounce of pity for a privileged winemaker who lists among his allergies Quality Ladies and My Own Tears.  I feel like Ben should go on to write a book entitled, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Assholes.”  I think it would be a New York Times best-seller for how accurate and effective it is for becoming an asshole.

Speaking of Bambino, as soon as I turned on The Bachelor Finale to start the recap, the little turd woke up and gave me some reeeaal attitude about it.

Anyway, let’s begin, shall we?

~ ~ ~

I am hoping for a Mesnick, guys.

If God is good, he will send in a Mesnick.  Please, ENGAGE: ‘MESNICK MOVE.’  What I’m wondering is, why hasn’t anybody done this already?! that’s what I’m wondering.  Why are we here now, seizing over the now real potential for this to end badly?  Because you guys, I’mma be honest, I don’t think I can do this if The C Word wins this thing.  People, so help me God I don’t know if I can do this.

Let’s make that a thing, by the way.  *Pulling a Mesnick.*  Can you feel the potential it has?  Its potential is as real as the potential for this season to end badly the way Ben prophesied while finishing up Ashley’s season with his buddy JP who he was living with as well as to whom he lost his girlfriend, along with that last little bit of trust he had for women left in his heart.  So, are you game for it?  Yes? no?  Yes, then no?  Yes, then no, but also yes, to the woman you’ve been living with who I’ve also been f**king unabashedly in front of your face?  Wait, what’s that?  You wanna back-burner it and try out something else for a month with the option of turning it in for the other or equivalent cash value?  OH and you have a kid navigating his formative years enduring the entire thing?  OHH, and is the child’s emotional future hanging in the balance?  Ok, I see your rational, real world approach to finding lasting love and I honor it by having mentioned it in this sentence.  (<– unexpected twist in where you expected I was going with this.)

~ pre-pre-preface :: an issue I need to mention before The Preface ~

{issue number one.}  I’m having a lot of anxiety related to recapping Emily’s season of The Bachelorette, almost to the point that I’m considering not doing it.  I’m getting a very Slade Smiley vibe about the direction my recaps could end up going, and I’m not ok with that.  I just– when I think back to kindergarten I think I remember being taught some golden rules and that one of them was something along the lines of “single mothers are off limits.”  In fact I am almost certain “Though Shalt Not Mock Those Raising a Child Alone” is an actual Commandment.  Anyway, it just sort of goes against everything I stand for.  And unfortunately my parents didn’t raise me to be the kind of person who could meet this challenge with open arms.  I’m having such trouble wrapping my head around poking even the slightest bit of fun at a single mother’s journey to find love; I mean the kind of the love that leads to a lasting relationship and not the road-to-nowhere it did the last time she tried doing it this way.  (At this moment I find it critical to remind the public about the fabled Einstein quote – popularized to the level of “Most Annoying Effing Quote Ever Shoved in my Face on a Daily Basis” thanks to enthusiast Pinterest users – which is: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results,” and I’m prepared to say that on a scale of 1 to 10, at least 35% of women auditioning for this show are somewhere along the road to crazy, just at different points in their respective journeys.  … I mean, you can see where I’m going with this.)

But seriously, if you think about it, the only material that feels even somewhat usable is the way that Emily is doing the heroic, backbreaking work of childrearing inside of what appears to be the mansion she owns, whereas the average single mother doesn’t have any mansions to speak of, not even one.  But still, I can make the mansion thing stretch out over what, two? MAX three, episodes, and then I’m left with what?  With a single mother still raising her child alone.  Except the only difference being that now I’ve mocked her for a couple of episodes, which, y’know, is a good place to be, on the public scale of moral righteousness.

In conclusion of this pre-pre-preface (… I know this is long but this is my blog so screw off if you’re not into *long*…) it is becoming increasingly apparent that the only option left is solely to mock the men who try to win her heart, and leave the woman and the kid outtathis.  Which was loosely the plan all along I just had to work it out in my head.  So let’s toast our glasses high – mine the highest, I wanna be higher than everyone – for a boy bevy next season that’s equal parts absolute gentleman & complete d**k.

And maybe a black guy, this time?  I mean, I don’t wanna make waves here… I’m not saying do it or I’ll stop watching, I’m just… I’m throwing it out there.  Just, it couldn’t hurt.

~ pre-preface :: an additional issue I need also to note before getting to The Preface ~

{issue two.}  I have been envisioning this day ever since our bachelor so gently assisted Samantha the Pageant Queen in leaving by slashing her throat and unnecessarily draining her of her blood supply so I am having a bit of a moment right now, with this actually being the last time I ever again have to talk about the life and times of this dips**t.  And say what you will about Samantha, I just don’t think a kindhearted man would treat a woman the way he treated her, which was talk-to-the-hand style like a bitchy 14-yr-old girl with undiagnosed anger issues.  Not to mention the way he treated so many of the others, so… yeah, you betchurass I’m ready for this to be over.  In fact I am so excited about this being the finale that I’ve put some special effort into making myself extra super ready for love, for example I’m in an advanced state of readiness to leave everything I know and hold dear so that I can move to San Francisco and find my position in the rotation of his current life structure.  If I know anything, it’s that First Rule of Ben Club: It’s a Ben Ben World.  Once you accept him as your true Lord and Savior, everything suddenly makes sense, and you just go with it, you don’t ask questions you just go with the flow, and it’s gravy from there, once you accept that.  I’ve even parted my hair down the middle, just the way Ben insists of members of his family, and I found an instructional video online that shows you how to fake a bobbed hair cut, so as you can see, I am batting a thousand according to Ben’s recipe.

Ok, real talk?  I am so OVER HIM that it has taken everything I have, not to up and quit after every last episode.

If I can keep it really real here for a minute, this season made me want to stop watching the series The Bachelor as a whole.  WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT.  No, I’m not saying that I’ve enjoyed The Bachelor with the exception of Ben’s season; not at all,  you couldn’t be farther off.  I’ve been yelling ”never. again.” at the end of every Finale for the last three years.  What I AM saying is that this season, it was just so beyond the pale bad, it was so extremely outside of the acceptable realm of what I am willing for it to be, that I actually very seriously considered quitting the show indefinitely after Monday night, sort of as a silent protest.  Or as part of what some call, “growing up,” or “having standards for how I spend my time” or something to that effect.

~ preface :: “The Preface” in the previous two headings ~

For the sake of full disclosure, I have to tell you that this recap you’re about to read is the product of Sit-Through #2 of both “The Bachelor Finale” and, ”After The Final Rose,” or, the hour or so more of television where Ben challenges himself not to cry and loses.  I watched it the first time around at a viewing party downtown at Bowlmor on Monday, in what is most likely the most redonkulous way you can imagine, which is with bachelors and bachelorettes from this and seasons past.  If you did not fall out of your chair just now reading that, you have not been reading my recaps for too long.  Because of the various scenarios I felt might play out when I first began doing these stupid recaps many seasons ago, the scenario involving me getting to know some ladies from the show and them not turning on me en masse was certainly not in my Top Ten.  But, here we are.  Because life is interesting like that.

So what does this all mean– it means that, in place of my typical first-viewing approach which is to jot down a comprehensive snark itinerary/timeline complete with a few of Honey’s most notable reactions, I instead had my mental hazard lights on for much of the evening because there were still a couple of ladies there who a) hadn’t yet formally been introduced to me and who, b) were on Ben’s season… which naturally resulted in c) me taking the less treacherous “we’re enjoying each other’s company, let’s not ruin it by formally introducing myself” road, which brought about d) the best possible outcome for the situation.  Unfortunately, e) somebody’s gonna be an a$$hole and wise them up now so, f) it was such a pleasure knowing you up until this very moment when things changed irreconcilably.

~ The Recap ~

Myth:  ”If a man owns a winery, it means that man is a pillar of society.”

MYTH BUSTED!

Guys, I feel like this is going to be the most controversial finale in Bachelor history–OHHHHHH SNAP!  I’m right, Chrisharrisonface JUST SAID IT, so it’s real, it’s a real thing.  Omigod, forget that though, because I just noticed that Zermatt, Switzerland sponsored this episode, so finally that money they were so nice to hold for my ancestors is going somewhere.  And, AAAAND, the producers just tried to help Courtney rehab her image by petting a cat and Courtney was all “hey kitty I’mma pet you!” but the cat was all “I AM NOT INTERESTED GO BACK FROM WHENCE YOU CAME” except he said it by standing very upright and tightening every inch of his body while trying to be as standoffish as possible about whether or not there was chance for reconciliation.  OMG AAAAAND, before I forget, the guy who chooses the music for the show chose to set Ben’s introspective musings to the tune of a little song called “This Year’s Love” by David Gray.  In case you haven’t listened very hard to this song’s message before, here, let me share with you the entire lyrical record of the song they chose for the finale of Ben’s Season of The Bachelor:

 ”This years love had better last
Heaven knows it’s high time
And I’ve been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can’t go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
‘Cause it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain’t this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don’t you know this life goes on
And won’t you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain’t this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last”

Amazing!  I am brimming with hope for the outcome of this love story that’s unfolding on the television.  I feel as confident about Ben’s relationship with someone working out, as Courtney feels confident in her belief that she is convincing us that she is a confident woman by repeating it over and over to anyone who’ll listen.

… and with that I welcome you, I welcome the tired, the weak, I welcome the huddled masses still yearning to believe in a little thing called petri dish love, a thing we once thought even to be ‘within the realm of real possibilities;’ a thing we call…

Finding Love on a Game Show That Sets Up ‘Love’ As Something You Can Actually Force On a Closed Set, While Wholly Ignoring The Fact That It is the Thrill of The Chase That Causes Adrenaline and Dopamine to Go Into Over-Production, Serving To Create a False Sense of Affection In The Pursuer for the Pursued.

The Bachelor is the show that finally puts the phrase “… I wouldn’t date you if you were the last man on Earth” to a real world test.

Friends, relatives, haters and lovers, I present to you part one of the final f**king recap, finally, of the finale, of The Bachelor: The Ben Flajnik Season… “Me Ben, You Pretty Girl, Me Take You Home To Meet Fahmuhlee, Me Fahmuhlee Accept You, You Cook and Clean, You Smush Grapes I Drink Wine, We Big Happee Fahmuhlee Again.”

No but seriously you really, really, FOR REALS have no idea how happy I am currently to be writing the final recap of the final episode of this show.  NFI how happy.  But here’s an idea, to give you an idea… I am happier to be pushing through the final thrust of this season’s recaps than Bambino would be happy to turn back the clock on Operation: Ball Chop 2011.

I am happier to be done tracking Ben Flapjack’s every move for an entire season than LIDDLE BEHBEH would be to learn about the Brazilian Permanent Hair Straightening technique.

I am happier to be writing this season’s final recap than Honey is happy to get a beej.

I’m really, really happy.

So, as I mentioned earlier we begin in Zermatt, a place as chilly as his emotions AND WE’RE OFF!  Batting a thousand already with the metaphors.  The Matterhorn behind him, Ben tells us, ”We’re in the Swiss Alps, the Matterhorn’s right behind me, so, I figure, monumental mountain, monumental moment.”

Can’t argue with that.

Ben tells us that his sister doesn’t typically approve of the women he dates.  I like her already.

BEN, ON LINDZI: “Lindzi lights up the room.  … I just need more time with her.  I hope I have enough time.”

Well, you have about one date left, which I thought you knew already or else I would have reminded you sooner, you idiot.  Anyway all of America is hoping ‘one more date’ is enough of that time you mentioned you need.

Also, you do realize this is your last chance to hang out with Lindzi before you make your decision, right?   Have you been following your season?  Because you’re at the Final Level before you have to save the princess, but you’re talking like she just stepped out of the limo.  Oh, one more thing:

LOVE DOESN’T ALWAYS BLOSSOM WITH THE QUICKNESS, BEN.  ACTUAL MARRIAGE-LEVEL LOVE TAKES TIME, BEN.  SO PLEASE, STOP TALKING ABOUT POOPING YOUR PANTALONES AND FIGURE OUT WHAT THE F WORD YOU WANT OUT OF YOUR LIFE.  LOVE AND LUST ARE NOT ONE IN THE SAME GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD.

Sorry.  I got carried away, I’m sorry.

BEN, ON COURTNEY:  ”I keep getting warned about how she’s treated the other women.  So I’ve had doubts along the way.”

Translation: I keep letting this *she’s a terrible person without a moral compass* thing get in the way of my liking her boobies and butt enough to marry them.  Her.

BEN: “Ugh.  This decision’s going to be harder than I thought.”

THEN LATER: “I found love.  I know I found it.  And… it feeeeels… great.”  That has the makings of one very romantic proposal; I for one can’t wait to watch this unfold and OH CRAP—

*blacks out*

Sorry about blacking out back there, you guys.  I was being so sarcastic that I made myself pass out.

Oh look, hey, there’s Ben in a mountain cliffside apartment that is so nice I’m actually angry at him for getting to use it.

Saying it like he’s asking the producers a question, Ben goes, “That big ol’ beautiful matterhorn gives me hope?  I feel like, this is it…?”

The entire soliloquy is totally unreadable and contains nothing substantive.  Classic Ben, you guys.  Cuh-LASSIC.

THE SCENE WHERE BEN TALKS ABOUT HIS MOMMEH AND HIS SISSIE

“I love my mommeh and my sissie.  I love them both unconditionally, and I need outside perspective.”

At this point Honey turns around to the screen and sees Ben’s fam.

HONEY: “Oh wow, his sister’s not bad looking, at all.  She at least doesn’t look like a caveman’s sister.”

SISTER OF BEN SPENDS QT WITH LINDZI AND THEY KEEP IT REAL LIKE ONLY TWO WHITE GIRLS CAN

… which is over a glass of Pinot while overlooking beautiful vistas.

With every vino pour, the truth starts to soar.

Ben’s sister doesn’t waste any time getting down to business, and starts in with a couple of basic premises.  (premi?  premies?  Beanie Babies?)

One: Ben is looking to get deeper with you, Lindzi.  And by deeper I do not mean emotionally deeper, Lindzi, by deeper I mean you have to think less about being a respectable woman and more about getting comfortable with the idea of shaking hands with his d**k.  You need to.  Lindzi, I never said I was a role model.  I may not approve of my dear brother’s approach to choosing women, but I’ll be damned if I’m not gonna try to beat him at his own game.

Two: The producers tell me Courtney’s a bad apple; what’s your take, Lindzi?

Totally in control of her face, Lindzi dishes with Ben’s sister about how much Courtney sucks, but in that skillful way that girls do it, where it comes off sounding totally ok to have said and not rude or anything.  Like, “I made a point of making friends in the house, Courtney kind of didn’t bother with that… it’s like, why wouldn’t you want to make friends, I MEAN, YOU KNOW??  but you know, whatever, what do I know.”

I see what you did there, Lindzi, and I respect it.

CONCLUSION & FINDINGS OF LINDZI TRIAL:

BEN: “Lindzi could be my wife.”

Sister and Mom: “She works.”

BEN, SISTER AND MOMMEH DISCUSS AMONGST THEMSELVES.  HERE, I’LL GIVE THEM A TOPIC… ‘COURTNEY’

THE AMAZING THING THAT HAPPENS WHEN BEN TELLS THEM COURTNEY’S PROFESSION

Ben tells them she’s a model.  Cut to Ben’s sissie who goes…

Completely not mimicking Ben’s superficial approach to assessing a woman’s inherent nature and quality, Ben’s sister goes on to say, “The idea of like, a model as a sister in law, I’m like, oh God, Ben, come on.” <— ACTUAL QUOTE.

She continues, saying, “I motherf**king hate her f**king a$$ and I literally want to like, literally rip her head off, and verbally assault her face.”  And then we, the audience, get all nostalgic, but then we also realize that Courtney and Sister of Ben HAVE BEEN THE SAME EXACT PERSON THE WHOLE TIME.  It’s like when you get to the end of a really good, long book, and you find out the protagonist was dead the entire time.  You know?  Like, “holy s**t Courtney has always been just another version of his sister, it all makes sense now, he was looking for a woman more like his sister all along!” and how mind-blowing that is.

COMMERCIAL / BACK

Oh by the way…

BEN: “If I don’t get the approval from my Mom and sister, I don’t know what I’m gonna do.  I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”

LOL just kidding, haha, I do know, I do know what I’m gonna do.  I’m going to choose Courtney, undoubtedly.  I’m just hoping my Mom and sister decide not to be total beaches about it.  Especially my sister, she can really be a total beach.

My sister and I don’t get along very well.

COURTNEY MEETS THE FAM

And everyone in the room tries their best not to immediately hate her… but that doesn’t work, and they immediately hate her, instead.

BEN’S MOMMEH, to Courtney: “Just, you know… that word, MODEL.  You know…”

BEN’S SIS, privately, to Courtney: ” blah blah blah blah blah RED FLAGS blah blah blah blah YOU ARE ONE blah blah blah…”

It’s possible that I’m completely off – I’ve been fending off another black out for an entire half hour now, so I’m already in a reduced state of consciousness – but I’m really starting to think that Ben’s family might possibly totally f**king hate everything models and the modeling community stands for without exception.

But I’m like, ladies, ladies, please… don’t hate the game, hate the player.  Unless the game is the show The Bachelor; if that’s the case then by all means, go for it, totally hate both.

BEN HAS A HEART TO HEART WITH SISTER-OF-BEN ON COURTNEY

SISTER OF BEN: “First impression, is that I am SHOCKED.”

Yes… yes….

“…. that [Courtney's] a really amazing girl.  I learned you can’t judge a book by its cover.  I found her to be very very sweet, I feel like I really got to know her today.  I feel like she would fit with the family.  You want my approval, I’ll give it to you.  Lindzi too.”

HO.

LEEE.

SCHEISSE-BALLS, YOU GUYS.

What in God’s name?  How did she– what just happened here??

CONCLUSION & FINDINGS OF COURTNEY TRIAL:

BEN: “Their preconceived notions of a pretty model, who didn’t get along with anyone…”

…. I’m fully expecting him to end this sentence with “were correct”–Omidad HE DIDN’T SAY ‘WERE CORRECT.‘  HE SAID A DIFFERENT THING.  Ok, wow.  WOW.  Ok, ok, I’m ok, everything’s ok, it’s going to be ok. Right?  It’s going to be ok?

COMMERCIAL / BACKACKACKACK

35 minutes in, and the Flajniks are now cuddling with Elyse.  Aaaaaaaand I’m wrong, it’s Sister of Ben, sorry.

They get to talking about one of the girls having a lot of depth to her and I immediately wonder who is this third girl, who is this dark horse the producers have let come back; who could they possibly be talking about because last time I checked, it was down to Lindzi and Courtney, and when I think about Lindzi and Courtney’s traits, “a lot of depth” isn’t on their Short Lists.  It doesn’t even make the cover of either one of the scrapbooks I made for them.  I’m tempted to rewind and figure out which mystery woman they’re discussing, but I realize again that I’m only ~35 minutes into a three hour death sentence, so I move on.  You don’t need to know everything, Alison.  You can let some things slide by.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE: BEN + LINDZI – ARIGHT LET’S LET HELP OUT THIS SLOW BURN BY ADDING A FEW SMALL STICKS OF KINDLING, AND BUILDING A SMALL TEPEE TO MAINTAIN THE BURN BUT NOT MAKE IT SO LARGE THAT IT GOES WILD AND GROWS TO SOMETHING MORE DANGEROUS, JUST ENOUGH TO KEEP IT ALIVE, SOMEWHAT, FOR ANOTHER FEW HOURS, JUST SO, YOU KNOW, IT DOESN’T GO OUT BECAUSE WHO KNOWS, IT’S POSSIBLE WE’LL FALL OUT OF A HELICOPTER OR FROM SOME OTHER HIGH UP STRUCTURE TODAY AND IF WE’RE STRANDED HERE, IT WILL BE IMPORTANT THAT WE KEPT THESE FEW EMBERS STILL BURNING BECAUSE WE WILL NEED TO COOK DINNER ON THEM LATER, IF THAT HAPPENS.

And with that, Ben starts the clock.

Lindzi’s last chance has begun.

… Coming up, Part Two of Bachelor Recaps – The Finale.

You.  Talk?  Now?  Please.  In the comments?  While I finish Part 2… and maybe a Part 3 if life is extremely unfair…

P.S. – You already know this, but my sustenance is your feedback with these things, so I would love to hear it, you know, if you’re feeling charitable.

xoxo  - Alison

Addendum / P.P.S. – Lindzi is my fave, if you haven’t yet noticed.  And that’s why Part 2 is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever written in my entire adult life, including the time I wrote my signature on the document that authorized a man to cut out Bambino’s two life forces.

Happy Thursday, you guys.  This is happening, I’m blogging this.  I can’t help myself.

Very recently, I’ve been avoiding thinking about my wedding.

It’s not to say I don’t want anything to do with it.  Or that I’m questioning my relationship.

I can thankfully count neither of those as being what’s at issue for me.  It’s wedding planning decision-making that’s giving me my trouble.  I’ve recently entered a (so far, brief) stage of *if I ignore the decision I have to make, then I can freeze time and the date won’t just creep up on me.*  Like hitting the pause button on planning for few seconds.

Unfortunately, that’s rubbish.  I’m not British so actually I don’t know what that means or if it’s conveying my message.  What I’m saying is you can’t do that–you can’t press pause when you’ve started as much as we have.  But anyway, I’m discovering that it’s a sort of stagnant comfort zone that I’m trying to claw my way out of right now.  I’m just feeling a pressure, probably self-imposed, to make decisions about my wedding, and to make them now.  So if you thought that wedding bloggers are the best equipped to put on their own weddings, I’d offer that we may have the industry relationships but we also have no shortage of inspiration from which to draw, plus the (also probably self-imposed, but at least also partially real) pressure of having a *good one* given the career we – the career I – have chosen.  Please understand that I’m not trying to complain, I’m not trying to come off that way, at all.  I’m sort of just venting off steam that I’ve been hesitant all along to mention publicly, on the blog.  Which meant, naturally, that I had to mention it on the blog.

No matter who you are, the process of planning a wedding, especially when you work full-time, is overwhelming, mentally.

Do any of you have trouble making decisions, and having them stick?

In other more positive news, since I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer 100% of the way through…

I’m also pretty happy right now because Monday thru Tuesday of next week, Trump SoHo ‘SoHi’ Hotel is putting me up gangsta style for a blogger event that’s kind of the best possible experience ever if you’re a girl.  And while I usually have a rule about not showing people my vagina until at least the second time we’ve hung out or done business, I’ve taken exception this time around; in fact I’ve signed up in advance for the privilege of showing them my wahoo.

Let me explain, the reason for this is I’m taking advantage of the various amazing spa treatments they offer, which include bikini sugar waxing (yay! but also yikes!), an organic spray tan (my first EVER spray tan, of which I’m frightened), a massage, and various other stuff with a common denominator of head-to-toe nudity.  You only live once, right?  Career-ending nude photos released, schmameer-schmending schmude schmotos shmeshmeased.  AMIRITE, people?

I feel like one of those bachelorette girls during her Fantasy Suite Card date, and how they feel like they have to act all “I don’t normally get naked on the first date, but anyway here’s my hoohaa.”

So in an effort to avoid having to PLAN ANYTHING ELSE WEDDING RELATED for a second, I was dreaming a little bit about that, and about how there’s this dress-picking-out factor I’m going to tell you guys about later on… and it got me thinking.  It has to do with my wedding dress.  I got to thinking about how I’ve been obsessing over a certain couture collection recently, so much so, that it’s my entire wedding dress inspiration folder.

So this is sort of a, “WHY HAVEN’T I SHARED A POST ABOUT MY WEDDING DRESS BEFORE NOW”  kinda deal.  Because given my overwhelmed state of mind about the wedding and all, I am so intrigued to hear your feedback about the dress styles I’ve got my eye on, and whether you think I’m on a good path.

It’s Valentino 2012, by the way.  That’s taken over my dress folder.  Formerly *Top Secret* personal dress folder.  But heck, what’s the point of keeping inspiration to yourself?

So, thumbs up on my direction with what I’m hoping to find in my wedding dress?

Also, do you/did you have a little collection of dress inspiration for your wedding?  Or, how’s the dress search coming along?  And all the other little details, for that matter?

xoxo  - Alison

images via vogue / fashionologie / deluxionist (shoes) / vancouver sun/ fashion gone rogue / images courtesy of Valentino + Alexander Klein, AFP/Getty Images

Bambino has a lot of ‘Rose from Titanic laying seductively in the nude while being painted by her love interest‘ moments, during the day.

So much so, that we’ve decided to give in to what is clearly an innate talent and take his career in a new direction.  I didn’t tell you guys this, but he’s been looking for work ever since I fired him as my assistant a while back, because he was spending more time acting like he was being productive when I would walk by his cubicle, than actually doing any work.  It was like, do you work for The Knotty Bride, or do you work for the people who created the Words with Friends app? because you’re on that iphone every time I look over at your desk.

It was enough.

So, since as his mother I can’t see past the scope of my own interests and missed opportunities, I’m in talks with a couple of networks who want to put little Bambino McPuppypants onto the metaphorical (and then later real life strip club version of) center stage, so he can finally start flaunting that undeniable ’come hither’ sexy puppy vibe he’s got and we’re not profiting from.  It’s everything I ever dreamed for my life-HIS, I meant to say HIS life, haha, dreamed for his life.  It’s like the Bad Parenting Gods have bestowed upon me my very own Honey Boo Boo Child, only this one has fur, and can’t complain to me all day long about how he “never gets to hang out with his friends now that he’s Pretty Puppy Supreme,” or how he “doesn’t like spray tanning/putting on makeup/wearing flippers/using breast-tape anymore,” or how he “wants a normal life,” or “feels competing for meaningless titles in pageants at such a tender age is killing him emotionally, and that something dies inside of him every time he competes.”  Or how “putting me, Bambino, your child, in a beauty pageant at the age of one-year-old is probably going to be a prosecutable offense under future Child Endangerment laws.”

Bambino is such a complainer.

Anyway, I’m doing my best to help Bambo go far in the entertainment business.  I’m even apprenticing over at the Kardashian Kacting Kagency, and I’m enrolled in their Krash Kourse for K’Pimping Xuccessfully.

Omigod, that reminds me.  Have you heard about this?– People with a lot of time on their hands are all a twitter about how Jon Hamm called Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian “f**king idiots,” and it wasn’t in a conversation with his cats inside of a soundproofed panic room.  Rather, he said it PUBLICLY… and on two occasions; asked about it a week later, he said “I don’t really understand the appeal of it other than that car-crash sensibility,” and, “it’s not something that I partake in or enjoy, but it is what it is and here we are.”

And I was about to go pour a fresh cup of pomegranate-Botswanian-fly tea into my vintage teacup and snuggle in under a chevron throw for some light reading on a [latest digital reading device that is euthanizing the print industry], when I noticed a link to a pole-dancing story coming in from a publication called the International Business Times.  <– Makes sense.  Apparently a one-armed Australian woman recently won the International Pole-Dancing Championship.

Whiicchhh… is really kind of a *win-lose* situation if you ask me.

But then again who am I, right?  Who am I, who goes and lets herself actually write jokes like this inside of her blog posts and then doesn’t see the need to edit them out before clicking Publish.

Oh and thennnn I read how this International Pole Championship was kind of a real thing, that it took place in Hong Kong, and what her name was, and all these various other details that led me to the realization that this was a real story, not a hoax.  And I was like, I for one certainly don’t remember hearing about the monumental day when Man finally figured out how to remove that annoying shame factor from the act of watching women pole-dance.  Wow, so pole-dancing is a legit sport now, huh.  The kind with fans?  [Fans being defined as any adult male who has realized there is a legit sport now called "Pole."]  DAAY-YUMM!  I wonder when that holiday happened, and which day the government decided was the appropriate date for its nationally recognized holiday, because it totally wasn’t reported on enough!

In other news, here’s the relevant content of this post.

Dear TKB:

Where to begin. My maid of honor, my closest friend for the past 6 years, is making my engagement experience terrible! First, I knew all along that she is an insecure person and perhaps a little selfish. I get that, we all can be, but I can’t take it anymore! In the past seven months of being engaged I think she’s asked me about my wedding twice. She never calls or texts to ask about me or if there’s anything she can do or even just to go get dinner! At a bridal show she came to, she was texting the whole time and ran into another friend and walked off with them! When we went trying on bridesmaid dresses, she came and as soon as I barely parked back home she had to go immediately without coming in and even asking about my wedding plans. My other bridesmaid came in, looked at samples invites, wedding shoes etc. My MOH said she found out what my shoes looked like through BM but MOH has NEVER asked me one detail! And the icing on the cake, she knew for 3 weeks I had my first bridal fitting and I wanted her to come to see and look at bridesmaid dresses. She told me she would probably cry when she saw me in my dress. But the day before she says she needs to be home an hour after my appointment that is an hour and half drive away!! She knew for three weeks and I had called her on that Monday and left a voicemail, texted her to remind her on that Wednesday as well. I mean, not to assume anything but I thought she wanted to see me in my dress?! I’ve cried numerous times, written an email I wanted to send and just take the brunt all the while I’m planning a wedding! HELP! What would you do?!

Sincerely,

-M.

Dear Miss M,

Omigod get rid of that friend.  Is what I was thinking throughout that whole thing.  BUT, the only reason that is not going to be my answer today is because you shared that she’s been your “closest friend for the past 6 years.”  However, you also shared ”I knew all along that she is an insecure person and perhaps a little selfish… I get that, we all can be, but I can’t take it anymore!”  So!  Armed with that background information, I must first ask you to think about your answer to this question: how good of a friend has she been to you throughout those six years?  Has your relationship, for the vast majority of the time, been fulfilling, positive and supportive on both sides– especially in more recent years?

If your answer is “No” – then I’m afraid to say my initial gut response of “get rid of that friend” is kind of my best advice here.  I’m not sure which way the readers are going to go on this (and I look forward to seeing what their opinions are); so know that that’s just MY personal feeling of the best course of action.

However, if your answer is “Yeah, our friendship has been awesome” - then here’s some nuanced advice:

Since your maid of honor has been a good friend for a long time, there are any number of reasons for her to be behaving in this pretty abhorrent manner.  All behavior is relative to what is going on in the life and mind of the person exhibiting the behavior, I want to make that clear.  However, THAT SAID, lemme point out, very briefly, three possibilities of what’s at play here…

Possibility A: your new life step might be having an unexpected impact on her, and she might be pitying herself over not having a wedding to plan and a marriage to embark on yet.  If that’s the case, there’s NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT.  That’s on her.  If she can’t get out of that funk, all you can do is tell her you’ll support her, but that you can’t have her behaving so negatively around you anymore, because it’s bringing you down.

Possibility B: she might be having her period nonstop for the last however-many months.  I get a little bitchy during my lady shark week, so.  Of course, I’m kidding.  But we’ve been having a very serious conversation here for a while so I wanted to break up the flow.  Ok, back to serious.

Possibility C: she might be having a very unsavory reaction, of disliking you for no other reason than that of you now being the one getting all the attention.  If she’s used to getting most of the attention, this is a real possibility.

(I can’t help but also mention that I have this sneaking suspicion that when she told you “she would probably cry when she saw [you] in [your] dress,” she was quite possibly referring to her personal reaction over not being the one in it.  I could be wrong, obvs., but I get these gut feelings, and that was my gut feeling.)

Now, if you’re emotionally prepared to take any action here… and I hope you are… I think the best and only thing to do is confront her.  I think this is best done in person, because feelings just get conveyed and interpreted best in person between friends.  But if that’s not something you can see yourself actually doing, then you can do it in an email– like that email you mentioned you wrote to her, but never sent.  If you choose an email, I think it might be wise to have someone close to you read it over before you click send, only because we can often come off a lot more aggressive/unfriendly than we realize in email correspondence.  Though she’s been working that *unfriendly* angle like it’s going out of style, so I wanna leave it to you, how honest and upset you decide you should to get in that email.

One last thing.  I’m sorry, I feel like I should be offering you more constructive advice, I usually offer so much more longwinded advice.  But I’m hoping on my readers to give you some more useful stuff to work with, because honestly, the whole way through that, FORREALS, all I could think was, “why is this girl still in her life?!”  Let alone still your maid of honor.

Because if she were my maid of honor?  She’d be alone coughing, because she’d be standing in a cloud of my dust.  And I’d be miles away walking to bridal appointments with a friend who actually gives a shit about me and the things that make me happy.

Toxic toxic toxic.

-Alison

So, my loves…

1. Do you have any advice or thoughts regarding Miss M’s predicament?

2. Do you think it’s probably best that today is Friday, given where my mind was able to go today, in this post?

Happy weekend!  - Alison

P.S. – the title of this post used to be: “So it turns out wedding planning is going to mean a lot *more* borderline inappropriate blog posts, as opposed to the previously expected, *a lot less*.”

P.P.S. – It’s apparently National Puppy Day so I gave him top billing.  Because he deserves it.  The way he puts up with my constant desire to play, eat, walk, eat, play, walk, eat, walk, play, eat and walk.

Oh wait, that’s wrong.  It’s the other way around.

O_o

Happy Monday afternoon, my dears!  It’s good to have you back, tucked safely within my loving embrace.  …. only to be dropkicked without warning into Bloggista Jessica’s loving embrace, for today at least.  But don’t worry; she’s very loving, and being a mother already, she has actual real world experience with loving embraces.  High kick, woot!  You’re in good hands. ;)

By the way, if you’d like to follow along with where I’ll be and what I’m doing today through tomorrow, I’ll be live tweeting what I’m up to over at Trump SoHo.  Hopefully I’ll remember to use the hashtag #SoHoBride and the handle @TrumpSoHo in all those tweets.  Hopefully.  No I probably will.  I think.  

I’m actually really excited to tweet with you guys about it, because tonight I’ll be slipping into a truly spectacular (in my opinion) Reem Acra gown… so uhhhhhhhh, I’m moderately pumped?  Yes, that’s accurate.

K, enough about me.  Ladies and gents, please give a warm welcome back to Jessica!  Jessica, take it away…

Hey guys…………….welcome to PART DEUX!!!!

Now that we’re properly acquainted ;) there is so much sharing of super important stuff to do! I don’t know where to begin! Sometimes I just want to say…eeeehhhhh f**k it….. what do you say we just blow this whole thing off and go on vacation?! But I can’t go and do that now can I.. not now that I’ve told all you people and set this crap train on its tracks! But I’ve thought about it!!! It’s a lot to take in. Sometimes it feels like I fell into a cleaver photo shoot, had to “DIY” a flag bunting to climb up a cupcake tower, leaped over the candy bar to get to the random bunch of balloons, floated to the photo booth to take a quick picture with a fake mustache, tripped over a ball jar while writing something terribly funny on a tiny chalkboard then pinned a succulent bouquet on my pinterest board. You know what I’m saying?

In all seriouslessness though, the amount of information/inspiration to consider is daunting. I was expecting to be planning for another baby not a wedding. We really wanted to have two fairly close together (lil guy is almost 1!), but no way am I going to be prego (<—-I want to drink booze) at my wedding. We’re shootin for a fairly quick wedding, so you know….we can get back to the baby making ;). We got engaged at the end of December and are planning for a September wedding. I thought this was completely reasonable. But what do I know! I had one caterer I called laugh at me and tell me “good luck!”. The experience of finding my dress ended up being incredibly rushed and panicky. Apparently it take like two years to get these things sewn together on three different continents. I now understand why most people give themselves at least a year to plan, but I think if I did that I’d never make it out the other end.

I’m kind of a type A with split personalities. That is to say I’m a quirky, nonsensical, bad ass of a control freak. I tend to contradict myself in accurate ways and have very specific ideas about what I want. So as you can imagine with my two kids – two jobs – limited time frame – limited budget – limitless imagination – one eyed – one horned- flying purple people eater of conundrum, planning has been so much fun! TOTALLY FUN! Luckily, I have a few magic beans to cash in. You see… those two jobs I mentioned are both sort of within the “industry”. Firstly, I’m a caterer (the little bitty kind) and I also work for a slightly less little bitty stationer by the name of “Momental Designs”. The latter has afforded me to meet some amazing people (hey Alison!) who have been abundantly generous in helping me reach my dreams of wedding awesomeness. More on that later……but first the dress.

Regardless of the importance of the major players in a wedding you know your first concern, as any good self righteous bride will tell you, is the dress! I’ve always imagined something soft, feminine and lacy, which is weird seeing as I’m none of those things and have never owned anything lace before. But this is par for the course with me *see above statement* as I tend to dress for a “theme” or a feeling I’m having. My fiance and I are of the artsy fartsy somewhat dramatic type (he loves Morrissey) and I wanted to go in a direction that suited us both. I began to envision myself in a hauntingly romantic victorian frock. Delicate high collar, long sleeves, head to toe lace with a soft patina… a real gem. Alas they just don’t stock these beauties over at my local Margie’s Bridal Hut & Lube. You should have seen the looks I got… walking into bridal shop after bridal shop asking “Do you have anything that’s not strapless and all lace that has no beads or sparkle?”. Lets just say I was swimming up stream. I looked for vintage, but the days(8th grade?) of having a 25″ waist are long gone for me. I looked for unique, but found out that’s just another word for “out of my budget”. I did find a surprising number of very talented young designers through internet searches and Etsy that were promising, but nothing that fit the bill exactly. I toyed with the idea of having a dress made and found a designer who’s work I loved, but she was in Colorado… and I’m in PA. It was just too risky of an endeavor. Strike, strike, strike. So I got creative…. I found a simple vintage looking lace gown, that besides being strapless, had what I was looking for. I ordered some additional lace and convinced Chi (my seamstress and new BFF) to fix me up a victorian neckline. My dress doesn’t come in until late June so I won’t really know what the final product will look like until, oh say, a few months before my wedding. FUN!!!!!

Just for s**ts and giggles here are some inspiration photos, a few you might already be familiar with from my pinterest board, to tantalize you.

Oh gheeessss…. I totally forgot to show you guys my ring! I actually slightly loath when it becomes “about the ring” but being as I’m divulging all I feel a need to oblige. It’s a little untraditional (go figure) and he did it ALL BY HIMSELF! I kid though, Brad has excellent taste and is surprisingly not clueless. I know… lucky girl :) He found the designer on Etsy and had it made, her shop is called “Specimental” and she uses conflict free rough gems and recycled metals…yeahhhh!

So, do tell…….. what is inspiring your dress choice? Do you go with something tried and true or make a daring statement? Inquiring minds want to know!

xoxoxo  - Jessica

Alison here again!  Jessica is one of our fabulous Real Bride Bloggistas, and she’s planning her Fall 2012 vintage wedding.  Jessica is the coolest, and if you dig her half as much as I do, you can also check her out over at The SoupChic on Facebook.

image credits: lead images 1 & 2 via ffffound / (non-personal) images/sources can be found within jessica’s inspiration board on pinterest