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My Top 5 Fave Relationship Tips, My Top 13 Last Minute Mother’s Day Gifts, and Why That TIME Magazine Attachment Parenting/Breastfeeding Cover Is Such a Drag.

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Happy Saturday, folks!  This post was originally titled ‘That time I washed my hair with puppy shampoo and liked it’ but someone downstairs started practicing the theme to Star Wars on their picolo, so as you can imagine I got a little distracted by how Fifty Shades of Nerd that is and ended up meandering into other lanes of mind traffic.  At first I thought they were playing the intro to one of those news magazine shows, but then when I *quite literally* wrote it down like this in google search:

“da da da daaaaaa, da. da da da daaaaaa, da. da da da da-da-da-daaaaa… da dadaaaaa.”

… that’s when the Star Wars thing hit me.  It was interesting to use google to search for the answer to a question, since 99% of the time I’m just using it to make sure I spelled a word right.

PART I – I’m Outraged About a New Diet Drug + Everybody SHUT UP ALREADY about the TIME Magazine cover

Have you heard about the new diet drug being recommended by an FDA panel that in trial studies resulted in *a lot of* breast cancer in rats?  Well the doctor who leads the FDA panel says  ”rats are more likely to get these types of cancers than humans are anyway” SO YEAH DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.  Much ado about nothing.

Clearly I do not care for this FDA panel guy.  In this situation the worst case scenario is that people are going to take this drug and totally get breast cancer from it like the rats, and the best case scenario is that we’re giving rats breast cancer because we are a nation enamored with buying dangerous pills to solve problems in spite of ourselves.  I’m sorry, rats.  I want to see you dead, but not this way.

In the other news from this week, how crazy was that TIME Magazine cover on attachment parenting and breastfeeding your toddlers?  If you answered, “not crazy at all, just a smart move by TIME Magazine to create a controversy that it knew would get people riled up and create a stir to make the whole nation start talking about the cover of TIME Magazine,” you would be right.

Mothers should feel free to choose and run with whatever parenting that they believe in.  I fully believe that persecuting moms about how long or how little they breastfeed their children, or whether they choose to work or stay home, or WHATEVER… I fully believe that we have to stop telling mothers that there’s One Best Way to parent, and that if you’re not doing it THAT way, you’re doing it wrong.  Such bullshit.

The article espouses the attachment parenting method, and encourages mothers to quit their jobs if they have one and commit fully to their children.  And you might expect me to go ballistic about this, but that’s hardly my response.  My response is: if you can afford that lifestyle, and that’s what you want to do in the raising of your children, that is totally awesome.  Do it.  No one should tell you otherwise.  BUT that also means that you can’t tell other mothers that it’s the be all/end all of mothering styles.  Because come on.  The majority of us can’t afford to quit our jobs and have our child turn into a living, breathing succubus for their own good later in life.

I just wish groups of people would stop asserting that *their way* is the best way to raise children.  Because there are lots of effective ways to raise a child.  Take my Mom, for example.  She worked when my little brother and I were on the younger side.  No attachment parenting there.  So how did I turn out?  Well, let me give you a short list.

The most memorable things about my childhood:

1) My Mom’s (and Dad’s) unconditional love for me and my little brother.

2) Watching movies together, and taking trips to the park together.  Because we did those things as a family, we shared the experience and it therefore became memorable.  Those simple times we had felt like the best times, no matter what we were doing.

3) That time I hijacked my toddler brother’s baby-walker and decided to fly down the basement steps to say hello to the wall with my face.  Both my parents were doing the laundry and so they got a front row seat to the show.  You’re welcome for that memory, Mom and Dad!

4) Like I mentioned, my Mom worked at times when my little brother and I were very young.  Something which that attachment parenting method poo-poos.  But here’s what I remember about my Mom having a job: she would sometimes bring little gifts home from the store if she got home late, and leave it by our beds, so that when we woke up in the morning we’d find a tiny gift that we always knew was from mom.  Superficially speaking, the gifts weren’t pricey or anything truly special.  But their value to us?  Totally priceless, to the two little babies who woke up and found a tiny present from our momma in the morning.

Those little gifts were some of my favorite gifts of my entire life, Mom.  Thanks for those memories.  It’s something I know will be fun to do with my own behbehkins if I ever decide to give you the pleasure of having grandchildren which I am at present undecided about so keep up the good behavior and we’ll see.

… My point with this list is, my Mom didn’t need to subscribe to any one parenting method or fad, to get me to feel that my childhood was fulfilling.  My memories are about the moments.

PART II – The Best Advice I Ever Got from My Mom On Relationships and Love

The following tips, lessons and general words of wisdom have been served to me throughout my life by my mother.  Whether by example, in times of consoling after a break-up, or while watching a Felicity back in the day and gabbing during commercials — the one thing all these lessons have in common is that they’re the ones I’ll be passing down to my daughter, should I be so lucky to have one.

5) Relationships, both of the Friend and the Lover sort, take work to thrive.  And when there is a foundation of real love and respect there, the growing pains will not stand a chance at breaking you.

4) Be honest in your disagreements, and if you argue at times, speak your feelings as well as listen attentively to your partner’s.  When neither of you are focused on your pride or *winning* the argument, it’s the relationship that wins because growth and understanding is your endgame.

3) Be affectionate.  Touch.  Kiss.  Hug.  Never stop being intimate.

2) You have to know yourself, and what you want out of life, to be able to know and love a partner.  This is the way to living a fuller life, being capable of independence, and being able to appreciate your partner for who they are, instead of finding your meaning in the relationship you have with that person.

1) Laugh together.

PART III – Last-Minute Gift Ideas That Will Make Your Mom Smile Ear to Ear

Idea 1) Get your Mom the book Fifty Shades of Grey and then just sit back on the couch and enjoy the awkwardness.

Idea 2) Buy her a lovely journal.  Before you present it, flip to the last page and write her a love letter if you’re her sweetheart, or a letter of love if you’re her offspring.  (Do not mix these two up.)

Idea 3) If you live relatively close to one another, pick her up and take her out to brunch and proceed to dish about your lives.  Moms LOVE this.

Idea 4) Not interested in spending that kind of money, you cheapskate?  Or maybe you want to make it a meal, but you want the experience to be/appear more thoughtful?  Guess what’s the best gift in the universe then, besides taking her OUT for food?  Buying fixins on the way to her place and cooking her a meal!  Because who doesn’t love a homecooked meal, AMIRITE?  Flip the script and let HER enjoy that feeling for once.

Idea 5) A French Bulldog.  Because if she doesn’t want it, you’ve got a new French Bulldog to take home.

Idea 6a) How ’bout an online gift card?  Because, this Mother’s Day, you want to be clear about the fact that you really don’t give a s**t about her.  And ‘online giftcard’ says that like nothing else can.

Idea 6b) Soften the blow of your total insensitivity by sending her one of these ecards from someecards.com.  My favorites for all types of situations are linked below.

^ my Mom’s getting this one at 9am tomorrow.

Idea 7) A Kindle.

Idea 8) Not edible arrangements.  She’s not your secretary.

(For the record, when I was a secretary I didn’t like them either.  But that–it could be just me.  I could be the only one who doesn’t like ingesting already cut up fruit offered to me by people in the workplace.)

Idea 9) If you and your momma can’t be together on this day, and you want to do something special to make this holiday stand out to her, give her a call and actually chat for a good half hour to an hour about real things.  You can both totally drink a glass of wine to make it go down easier if you’d like.  If your mom’s “a talker,” feel free to pre-game the call with a stronger cocktail that you don’t tell her about.  Then just watch the conversation fly by.  You might even enjoy it!  No promises.

Idea 10) If you’re just not that into your mom, and not even pre-gaming a phone call can make the conversation tolerable, take that lady to the movies and let other people do the talking.  It still qualifies as *spending time together* does it not?

Idea 11) If your mom’s anything like my mom, she doesn’t spend NEARLY enough time pampering herself, and instead focuses on work and loving all of us.  But don’t ye be fooled; she LOVES getting a manicure, just doesn’t ever carve out the time to do it.  So take her to get her nails done!  I highly recommend adding in a pedicure, so you both can just sit back and enjoy some dopamine-fueled chitchat while your legs and toes are getting massaged!**

**WARNING: Be sure not to discuss excerpts from your earlier gift of Fifty Shades of Grey.  This will help you both to avoid experiencing simultaneous involuntary orgasms in your massage chairs.  I am shivering with grossed-outedness from having just written that sentence.

Idea 12) Buy her an iPad.  No seriously.  If you’re looking for a great gift and you’re looking to spend a pretty penny on it, get her that iPad.  It’s my Mom’s dream gift, I know it, but she refuses to have me buy it for her.  She’s all “absolutely NOT.  You’re a young couple just starting out, you need that money for down payments and the rent and stuff.  Don’t you DARE buy me an iPad.”

Hey, you don’t need to go twisting my arm, aright?  I’ll get you an iPad, Mom.

Idea 13) Can you suggest another idea to fill in Number 13?  I can’t think of any more than those on this list but I don’t feel good about the list being at 13.  Very unlucky feeling.

Idea 14) Committed to getting her a legit gift, but just REALLY don’t have the time before Sunday to pick it up?  (Seriously?  It’s Saturday; stores are open right now– seriously, you can’t?)  Aright then no problem; here’s the solution: take your mom shopping for her gift.  This is two gifts in one; a gift she actually wants AND quality time with her whittle behbeh!

That last one’s what we call a win-win.

Tell me, do you know what you’re getting/doing for the mom in your life on Sunday?  I’d love to hear other ideas!  Sincere AND sarcastic. ;)

Happy Mother’s Day to the mommas out there!

xoxo  - Alison

Cover: Time Magazine


GIRL TALK: I Have a Secret Single Behavior. | By Knotty Bloggista Cassie, Survival Guide Bride

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Hey lovers.  Happy Monday afternoon.  I hope you all had lovely/relatively enjoyable/tolerable weekends over the holiday, puppy and kitty parents included!  Anybody get married this weekend?  I brought Bambino to visit his grandma (and by association, grandpa) in the country, and I don’t know which one of them enjoyed it more:  

They’re sweet together.  It’s actually cuter than even those pictures show, if that’s even possible.  They’re like old college friends; they just *get* one another and can spend hours reliving the good times.  And you know what?  I live to carry Bambino wike uh whittle newborn behbehkins, the way he lets my Mom.  But, instead of loving it like in my dreams for him, he reacts by rigor-mortising his entire body as if to say, “please believe that I am several hours dead and just leave me alone right side up, I beg of you, smothering woman.”  It’s a HUGE bummer.  But I digress… especially since we’ve got SSBs to discuss.  Oh, are you familiar with SSBs?  Well, whether or not you are, I’m extremely excited to let you know that Cassie’s come back to TKB today to share yet another highly embarrassing story about life as a couple once you’ve moved in together.  And once you’ve enjoyed laughing at hers, I encourage you to share your own Secret Single Behaviors in the comments… because you all KNOW you have at least ONE.  Don’t act all coy like you’re a real live Betty Draper except without all that jealousy that comes out in her therapy sessions.  (NOTE: I am up to Episode 2 in Season 2 of Mad Men, so I’m still on the blonde wife Draper.  PLEASE, no spoilers beyond the spoiler I gave myself when I turned on a recent episode by accident to find he has a new wife!  Thanks in advance.)  

But yeah, I wanna hear your secret behaviors, not only because it’s amazing how cleansing it is to tell the world, but also because I like juicy details.  And I delight in taking a break from spilling the weirdo beans in my life and reading about some of yours.  :)  ’Course, if you’re shy, you can always just dish on your friend’s secret habits.  This is the internet – she’ll never find out.  ;)

Take it away, Cassie!

When Moving In Together Makes You Realize You Are Weird

Now that I’m living with the love of my life, I’m beginning to realize that I’m a little…weird.

You see, I have this thing I do…  I’m just going to say it.

I have a secret single behavior.  I have SSB…  You’ve probably already heard this term used before, from Sex and the City…but we need to discuss.  (Also, my inner dialogue sounds strikingly similar to Carrie Bradshaw…so naturally when I write about living with someone, the episode that she moves in with Aiden is FRONT and CENTER).

Okay… I’m not just talking about the kind of SSB that resembles not shaving your legs because it’s winter…or only shaving the bottom half of your legs when you’re in a rush and just need to look cute in the dress.  And I’m not just talking about popping zits in a mirror, and spending hours looking at your pores in the mirror.  And it’s not just about eating teddy grahams and frosting as a midnight snack.

What I’m talking about TRANSCENDS the usual, and gets to the real nitty gritty.  The kind of nitty gritty that just feels SO GOOD when you do it, and you never really realized it was a problem before until you moved in with a man.

You see…

I pick at my nail polish.  Nail polish was NOT invented for me because my nails are neither long nor strong, because they do not like to hold polish well,  because the second they get any longer than my finger they simply MUST be cut, and because I get too bored with a color or the polish just ends up chipping and fading anyway.  Ugh.  I have since switched to getting shellac manicures, in the hopes that this no-chip polish will fight off the urge to pick…but it just makes it THAT much stronger.  Because they told me it would be impossible to chip off.  So I have to try.  You see my problem here…

There’s nothing I can do to hide the fact that I pick at my nail polish.  I’ll be sitting on the couch with Timmy, or we’ll be lying in bed, and I HAVE to do it…because it’s something I’ve ALWAYS done.  I will pick my polish off until there is a pile of it on my coffee table…at which point I’ll dust into my hand and throw away.  And Timmy completely and utterly…HATES it.  He always scolds me for picking, he always asks me to stop, and if that doesn’t work he’ll just de-snuggle from me in the hopes that will make me stop.

Want to know something embarrassing?  We were snuggling in bed one time, and I picked my nail polish off and it landed right in his EYE!!!  In his EYE!!!  How awful is that???!  I can’t even stop for five seconds mid-snuggle to keep my nails in check…and heaven forbid I actually use nail polish remover before this ever becomes a problem!

In.  His.  Eye.

Back to the point…so…what do you DO when moving in with a man greatly throws you off your game, and you can no longer CONTINUE with your secret behavior?  What do you do when they find out?

Your single self has been put in the closet, after years of stripping down to your bra in your living room because no one was there to say you couldn’t…after years of leaving clothes in the dryer as a mini dresser because you knew at least where your whites were…after many many many trips to the grocery store with a solo basket and talking to yourself about your pantry inventory while you peruse the shelf…after many cereal suppers because you just didn’t feel the need to cook…  Your little mini-rituals that you perform throughout the day have now been taken out of their safeguard and are considered crazy

Now, take a look at your secret single behavior (because I know you have at least ONE), and write it down.  It’s actually not that WEIRD when you look at it…and it’s not even that weird when you say it out loud.  They’re not necessarily a FREAKY thing (well…maybe some of you), but that’s not the reason why they’re secret.  It is only when the addition of another person into your extremely personal bubble is invaded that your secret single behavior is compromised.

Sometimes don’t you just miss all that FREEDOM to eat, dress (or undress), bathe and sleep how you wanted without having to answer to another soul about what in the heck you were doing?

What are your secret single behaviors?  And for those who are already married, do you proudly display your SSB if you have one?  Or have you managed to still keep it, well…secret?

Let’s talk.

xoxo,

Cassie – Meet Mrs B. (@MeetMrsBTweets)

Image credits: girl by Samantha Hahn, ballerina tea via Sophisticated Creation

DIY Drink Stirs by DIY Bloggista Andrea, My Fave Mini Flag, Bunting and Pennant Stickers, And Bambino.

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Happy Tuesday afterneeeevening, peeps!  By the way, is it “drink stirs” or “drink stirrers?”  Anyway, good news: one of our lovely DIY contributors Andrea of Gray Harper Event Maker is back today with something we’ve been craving; a super adorbs, SUPER EFFING EASY AS CAKE, DIY project for your wedding or engagement party or baby shower or whatever event at which you plan to hand people drinks and want them to look like more than just *drinks*.  That’s what makes a party a PAR-TAY, as we all know.  And I’m extra bits of excited, because even iiiiiii can do this one on the first try.  Which is important to me since I HATE practicing.

For the extra pizazz part of this project, you’ll want to get a hold of some pennant stickers.  Andrea used those adorable kraft brown pennant stickers from Olive Manna that you’ll see featured in this post.  Of course, there are lots of options out there as far as stickers go!  So feel free to get creative.  For example, these bunting stickers and pennant stickers below from Little Ink are some faves of mine.  But if you wanna try this out immediately and don’t have no stinkin’ time for shipping, you can experiment with Avery brand mailing labels from the office!  (Note: TKB does not condone stealing from the office supply closet.  Ehhem.  What you do on your own time is your call. :)

Ok, TO THE DIY WE GO!  Take it away, Andrea!

Andrea here!  So, you wanna add a little tactile fun to your drinks with these cute and easy toppers?!  Great!

Here’s what you’ll need:

  1. bamboo sticks
  2. felt craft balls
  3. Cotton thread
  4. Pennant Stickers (like Alison said, we got ours from Olive Manna but any will do)
  5. Scissors
  6. Glue Gun + sticks (obvi’s!)

DIRECTIONS:

1. Heat that glue gun up and dab a dot of glue on the flat end of a bamboo stick.

2. Attach a felt ball to it, hold it there for a few seconds to let the glue dry and set.

3. Take a pre-cut piece of the cotton thread (about 10in long), and tie it to the base of the stick and the ball.

4. Begin wrapping the thread around the ball, overlapping and crossing the thread over itself.

5. Tie off the thread at the base of the ball again, and cut any excess.

6. Wrap the sticker around the stick, and don’t forget to write a message first!

Alison again!  I don’t wanna let my puppeh lovers down… here’s another installment of:

“A Day in the Life of Bambino McPuppypants”

… if you think I’m weird, you’re a smart one.

Aright so let’s talk.  Here are some topics that intrigue me, for a little chit chat in the comments:

1) Do you like the idea of adding some cute to your drinks?

2) What do you think of Andrea’s DIY drink stirs, you guys?  Something a little bit different from your typical stirrer is always a fun jaunt, doncha think?!

3) What are your wedding colors?  And what color string do you think would look best on these babies?

xoxo!  - Alison

Gray Harper Event Maker is member of TKB’s Vendor Love. You can explore more of Gray Harper Event Maker in our guide!

{all images by Izzy Hudgins Photography}

DEAR TKB: Is it wrong that I want to have sex… THERE? Plus: Am I Alone in This? Another Weird Thing I Do…

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Me on the subway, whenever I listen to music…

EARBUDS OUT:

Feeling fine, breathing normal.  Confident.

EARBUDS IN: 

I WONDER IF I’M BREATHING TOO LOUDLY AM I MAKING WEIRD SOUNDS WITH MY MOUTH WHAT IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO TALK TO ME AND I CAN’T HEAR THEM SO THEY KEEP ASKING THE SAME QUESTION OVER AND OVER OK THAT CERTAINLY FELT LIKE A FART BUT I DON’T KNOW IF I GOT IT BACK IN IN TIME I HOPE A SOUND DIDN’T ESCAPE IS ANYBODY LOOKING AT ME I DON’T SMELL ANYTHING BUT MAYBE MY EARBUDS ARE AFFECTING MY ABILITY TO SMELL I THINK MY THIGHS ARE MAKING SQUEAKING SOUNDS AGAINST MY SEAT AM I BREATHING EVEN LOUDER NOW BECAUSE WHAT I’M HEARING DEFINITELY DOESN’T SOUND NORMAL FOR A PERSON WHO IS MOTIONLESS *TRIES TO QUIET DOWN BREATHING*  *BREATHING BECOMES MORE PRONOUNCED*  *ACUTE SELF-AWARENESS REACHES LEVEL BORDERING ON PSYCHOSIS* 

*turns KE$HA’s “Tik Tok” off; removes earbuds* … jk.

*turns KE$HA’S “We R Who We R” off; removes earbuds*

… So, am I alone in this?  I need to know.

In other news… THIS:

Dear TKB:

Sex at the future in-laws’ house?  or no sex at the future in-laws’ house?  Serious question.

Relevant details: a) his childhood room (where we sleep) is a bathroom’s width down the hall from his parents’ room… b) his mom has a tendency to walk into rooms throughout her home unannounced (you mean she walks into rooms in her own home? how dare she!)… c) I have a strong, wanton libido.

Again, serious question.  Really looking forward to your advice.  Thank you!

-H

Dear Miss H.,

Thank you for your question, I’m glad and honored that you came to me.  I uhh… I… hi Mom!  Stop reading, ok?  Thanks.

So, Miss H, how long is the typical visit to your in-laws’ house?  I’m guessing these are (infrequent) weekend trips?  Do you think you can manage to wait it out?  Here’s the thing: I’m a lot like you with the libido thing.  In that I am ready to go on a moment’s notice.  Wherever.  But your in-laws’ house, where you already know his mom dances from room to room?

I am getting the feeling that you get a little turned on by ‘challenging-for-to-have-the-sex’ situations.  Don’t be embarrassed; we all have our things.

Or I’m projecting my own ‘thing’ onto you and calling it your thing BUT NO MATTER, I DIGRESS.

If you *really* can’t resist a romp, all I can think to say is, I hope you’re good at keeping your voices down.

One more thing: if you decide you’re in the mood for it but your sweetie is hesitant to fornicate when maternal vagina is a stone’s throw away, please don’t be all like:

about it because seriously you’re only hurting yourself.  Men don’t like to hear that they’re disappointing you in that way, when it’s something they can’t really help due to circumstances out of their control (like intrusive moms).  So maybe just grin and bear it until the car ride home and get nasty together in the back seat.

… unless it’s his parents who are driving you home, in that case you might just wanna take this one on the chin OMG I MEAN take this one for the team.

Ladies and gents, I think I really need your help answering this one.  Let’s talk… are you FOR or AGAINST getting down and dirty next to all of his soccer trophies?  Maybe your response is more complicated than just for or against — obviously I’m so game to hear it.  As always, all opinions welcome, obvs.

And for the sake of an open discussion, let’s just all agree to make believe that if any embarrassing moments are shared in the comments, we’ll assume that they’re about ‘your best friend who did that thing that one time,’ and not about you.

Or you can be totally open about your embarrassing stories.  YOLO.

xoxo!  - Alison

p.s. – kitty-on-kitty action via Pinterest; salacious words sexualizing the cats courtesy of yours truly.  but… you knew that already, didn’t you.

Do You Like the ‘Facebook’ Gown? Plus, Jessica’s Fave Mantilla Veils, Juliet Caps and Bridal Head-Gear!

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Happy Monday afternoon, babyloves!  Ok, before I share Jessica’s furious search for the perfect thingie to wear on her head when she gets married, I simply HAVE to touch on the wedding of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his longtime love, the gorgeous Dr. Priscilla Chan.  They wed on May 19th in a private backyard ceremony on his estate in Palo Alto, CA – where he lives with his now wife – and the wedding day was actually a surprise to the guests, since they thought they were attending a party to celebrate Priscilla’s graduation… 

Priscilla’s laser cut floral gown is by none other than Claire Pettibone… and you guys know how I feel about Claire Pettibone, sooo… :)  The gown is adorned with matte sequins, has a silk lining, illusion jewel neckline and signature sheer back.  (And, since I know you guys like to know what you’re dealing with… the gown is priced at $4,700.)

Anyway, I think she looks freaking SENSATIONAL.  What do you think?

Oh and by the way, Mark updated his Facebook timeline about it, naturally.  Cuteness.

K, take it away, Jess!

Hiya, Jessica here! I hope everybody had a great mother’s day last week… that is giving or receiving motherly gratitude. My mother’s day started by being kicked out of bed at 6ish a.m. by my little guy as honey-poo slept blissfully. Who, as I was geting up to use the bathroom, moved into my designated 12 inches of bed space. I then proceded to climb into my daughters bunk bed where I passed out on top of a mound of stuffed animals. I awoke with a neck that is only capable of turning 40 degrees. Yep.

Anyways……….. I’m kind of calling out for help here. Not about my lack of a decent nights sleep, but about head-gear. Bridal head-gear that is. THE CHOICES THE CHOICES!!! I’m losing it… it’s. too. much. I am a girl, after all, who loves to play dress up. And what is your wedding day if not the ultimate dress up opportunity?!?! I do not want to miss that opportunity! I had thought I wanted a long but simple mantilla veil. A modest edging of lace, something complimentary to my dress. Then I started to modify that idea with sort of a juliet cap look, kinda like this:

And then….. I started to fantasize about doing something more dramatic ala Grace Kelly or more recently Kate Moss. Maybe a full blown lace cap or a simpler net cap embellished with a halo, or crown or or or or.. ahhhhh!!!!!! I mean its your wedding day, you should go all out fantasy couture right? When am I ever going to be able to don a golden wreath of orange blossoms over a cathedral length veil and get away with it? But my dress is lace overload.. so I should keep it simple right? You see my dilema.

I’m just so goo-goo for it all. There is so much good fun head fluff out there right now it hurts my fashion bone. Here are a few of my faves, and as you can see I’m all over the place from classic to crazy. help. me.

The above and bellow are from Twigs & Honey a current obsession. And if you don’t know, now yah know   … uhhh now yah know.

A bit more understated from BHLDN and Ruche’s line.

I found the following gems on etsy by Erica Elizabeth Design. The first is my favorite, I love her delicate wax floral wreaths.. eehhh!

Now for a bit of fun.. Louis Mariette. I had the pleasure of trying on a few of their amazingly couture pieces in person and wow if your daring this is the way to go. I had poop luck trying to find good pics so instead here is Moi trying to look Vogue and a fantasy piece. Enjoy.

I bet this whole thing would be a lot easier if I could try all these goodies on with my dress, but alas I can not. I can’t even try ANY veil on with my dress because uhmm… its not “in” yet and uhmm…  its still needs a top (for those of you just joining us I ordered a strapless dress that I’m giving a victorian-esq top, indeed). So no such luck. I do have a pretty good idea what I’m doing with my hair, something perfectly messy and effortlessly chic. Something like this:

I may twist the braid up and pin it if I do a full fledged veil during the ceremony. Yah know, to keep it classy.

I will leave you with this next image as it is perfection and an awesome way to do a head piece with a simple veil.

So, thoughts please…?  not on the photo of me, you can keep those to yourself. But in general, what strikes your fancy? Have I lost my marbles? Do you feel my pain? What did you do? (Can I see pictures?)

Thank you for your time, this was therapeutic :)

xoxoxox, Jessica

(Alison here again!  Jessica is one of our fabulous Real Bride Bloggistas, and she’s planning her Fall 2012 vintage wedding.  Jessica is the coolest, and if you dig her half as much as I do, you can also check her out over at The SoupChic on Facebook.  Note: thoughts expressed in guest posts are not necessarily the opinion of The Knotty Bride.  Simply put, we encourage free speech.)

images from the top: SIBO Designs / next 4 – twigs & honey; images by Elizabeth Messina / top 2 and bottom left bhldn, bottom right ruche / next 3 – Erica Elizabeth Design on Etsy; images by Melinda Kelley & Yuna Leonard / left- me, right Louis Mariette / top right glamcheck.com, top left east side bride / bottom left, bottom right / bottom image via vogue

PROJECT ~ DIY Fabric Coasters in Metallic Gold! Plus: Mom, You Just Made a HUGE Mistake. Oh and Bambino.

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Hi everybody!  Alison here.  It’s the latter half of Tuesday — that’s elitist for ‘Tues. evening’ — and I just got off the phone with mi madre… who has informed me that she knows what it is I go through season after season, “recapping that Bachelor show” and so she wants me to know that she’s officially going to watch it this season (for the first time ever).  She wanted me to know that I can avail myself of her, should I ever have any questions or need input.

So congratulations, Mom!  You finally got yourself to that Number 1 position on my speed dial.  And all it took was selling your soul.  I cannot say that I am not impressed.  But I can say with certainty that you have made an egregious error.

Welcome to Hell, mother.  Welcome to Hell.

In other more-relevant-to-weddings news, you may have noticed it over the last week, but we’re taking a pretty exciting shift here on the TKB blog, and I feel you’re gonna be the opposite of dismayed.  Because that shift involves doing the same thing you guys are used to, but adding gads more DIY projects to the rotation.  wooWOO!  Supa chic, supa creative, supa fly, supa dupa fly, DIY projects.  Projects that will run the gamut as far as ease/difficulty, but that will all most likely be simple enough for even a dog to undertake, at least without significant frustration.

But– umm…  well, I guess I should probably mention that I am specifically referring to my dog, Bambino McPuppypants III, Esquire, who is very good with his hands.  Like, the guy curates a lot of the more well-formed boards on our Pinterest page (did you think I do ALL OF THIS myself??).  In fact, Bambenis is constantly DIY’ing random things around the house.  Ex., through the power of DIY, just the other day he transformed his braided toy rope into “a woman’s wig comprised of a tangled mess of thousands of strings.”  And over the course of one month during his INFANCY he repurposed what was a new beige couch into “a raised couch-like door matt for wiping outdoor dirt off of your body while relaxing in a seated position watching television.”  Miracles, both.  And yes while we hate both of these DIY projects, we understand that not all geniuses start out making masterpieces, and we trust that his strength for choosing projects we can all enjoy will only improve.  But so yeah– he’s not your normal dog.  So please don’t go and make your pet feel bad about the fact that Bambino can accomplish DIY projects with ease.  That’s pretty mean of you.

Alrighty, so the amazing Andrea of Gray Harper Event Maker is back again today (!!!), with another fab DIY that anyone who gets a kick out of gold, spray painting, personalizing, drinking, and all the trappings thereof will thoroughly enjoy this project, SON.

Take it away, Andrea!

Hey y’all!  I’m really loving the look of negative prints lately, and I love gold spray paint… 

Who doesn’t (am I right?!)?  So I thought up this super easy and fun DIY that is sure to wow your guests!

Here’s what you’ll need:

  1. fabric (cut into 4”x4” squares)
  2. letter stickers
  3. spray paint

How To Make Them:

1. Place sticker letters where desired on fabric and spray with the spray paint.

2. Wait for paint to dry, then gently pick off the stickers.  I got a few uses out of the same ones before having to use another sticker batch.

3. That’s pretty much it!  Did I say these were easy, or what?!?

oh hey– speaking of Bambino, here he comes now!  My little MacGyver.

I bet he’s off to DIY something out of a tennis ball, hanging mouth drool, and a toilet.

Andrea again!  So, do let us know– would you say these would be a fun way to cute-up a wedding?  And what other color-combos do you think you’d suggest?  

Thanks, everyone!  I truly hope you enjoyed this project!

xoxo  - Andrea

Gray Harper Event Maker is member of TKB’s Vendor Love. You can explore more of Gray Harper Event Maker in our guide!

{all images of project taken by Izzy Hudgins Photography}

‘ALISON LOVES’ SPOTLIGHT: Honeymoon Pixie = My New Favorite Registry Idea, HANDS DOWN.

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Ummmm.  This thing I’m about to blog about below, is sort of exactly the kind of thing the wedding world needs.  In my humble opinion.

Well here, lemme ask YOU: what do you think you need more of… rolling pins, or a vacation?

If you say ‘rolling pins’ in the comments and you’re not someone who uses a rolling pin only once and then throws it away therefore requiring an infinite supply of rolling pins, well then I’m going to assume you’re being a devil’s advocate.  Because that’s just nonsense, and we talk *sense* here.  On The Knotty Bride.

Anyway, I’m really excited to have the opportunity to share this business with y’all today.  The name is Honeymoon Pixie, and it’s my new best friend.  Aaaaand you might wanna consider making it yours. :)

Here’s how it works: you want to go somewhere with your soon-to-be-spouse.  You do not want to pay for what you do on your trip.  So… who’s gonna pay for what you do on your trip?  Yo’ wedding guests, THAT’s who.  yayYUH!  It’s free, it takes two minutes to set yourself up, and voila — your well on your way to getting your dream vacation bought and paid for.  DOY.  No seriously, this is a no brainer.  Trust me.

I think it’s the perfect alternative for couples who have lived on their own, and who already have most of the household items they would be getting through a typical wedding registry setup.

Here’s my favorite part of it all: there’s a certain beauty to having your family and friends pay into a fund to send you on a vacation that’s going to be spent far, far away from any and all of them.

The fact that it’s super simple means that I give it 5 out of a total 5 possible *Even Bambino Can Do It* Stars.

The whole idea is very similar to a traditional registry, however guests purchase fun activities for you to enjoy during your honeymoon… instead of toasters.  You see how this is awesome, yes?

FYI, if you’re not quick to sign up for things you’re not too familiar with, no worries — Honeymoon Pixie consistently receives 5-Star ratings from newlyweds.  So you can trust this site.  And I really dig the convenience of their “One-Click” method.  For example, it’s “one-click” to:

  • Print announcement cards
  • Print Thank You lists
  • Send out pre-written emails
  • Implement Facebook integration
  • Upload unlimited photos
  • Select a beautiful registry theme
  • Use a Pre-built Honeymoon Gift Registry
  • Redeem your gift funds at anytime

I suggest you start pondering what YOUR dream vacation is comprised of… and if you care to, share it below!  I actually really would like some ideas, so I’m very interested in piggybacking off of your ideal getaways for inspiration.  If you’re down for that I mean.  By the way, I’m easy– I like beaches and water.  Beaches near the water, ideally, but that’s not to say I’m above sitting in a bathtub, splashing around and calling it Bali.

You guys, I’d love to know your thoughts!  Would you rock a honeymoon registry?  It’s already decided in my house.

xoxo!  - Alison

Honeymoon Pixie is member of TKB’s Vendor Love.  Learn more about Honeymoon Pixie by visiting Vendor Love.

DEAR TKB: “How do I break this news to my mother.” | Also: a French Bulldog’s Top 4 Fave Summer Activities

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Shark Week means emotional posts.  Please just deal with it ok.

It’s the latter half of Tuesday, on this super balmy day in nyc, Memorial Day weekend is over (I know, sorry), and I have a HULK SMASH of a Dear TKB to share with you.  

It’s a HULK SMASH because I feel it’s one of those rare moments when a reader question meets a uniquely apropos photographer submission and the photographer’s photos HULK SMASH the question with their furious relevance.  It’s a very serendipitous occurrence despite the violent name I’ve given it.

EB of Two Bird Studio submitted the shoot that makes this post what it is, so I’m loving EB right now FO SHO.  And FYI, Bambino lolz are at the bottom of this post but don’t scroll down yet!  … ok, I’m assuming you scrolled down.  But that you’ve come back to meet me here and check out the post.  Fantastic!  Sensational.

Today’s question you’re about to read regards a woman’s insurmountable guilt over wanting to reject her mama’s wishes, but also not wanting to.  Now, as always, I do ask you to let her know your thoughts if you’re willing to offer any, especially seeing as my answer is not the result of any personal experience with this situation so, as you can see, I’M SUPER QUALIFIED.  Ok, here we go!

Hi!

I’m getting married next year :) We started planning in May and it’s been great except for ONE thing that I’m allowing to cause me A LOT OF ANXIETY. (I feel selfish even writing it out…) My mom wants me to wear her wedding dress down the aisle, and I don’t want to. 

It’s not something she constantly pressures me about, I just know based on how she brings it up that she would really like me to wear it. I have Major guilt about hurting her feelings so I haven’t told her yet how I feel. Which I know is bad. But I feel like a brat for not being thankful for everything she offers me, since none of us are rolling in it.

She tells me that whatever decision I make, she just wants me to be happy BUT like I said she bring it up every once in a while, and how it fits me “just right.” Which is frustrating because in my head that shouldn’t automatically mean it’s the obvious choice, but what do I know. I would just really love to be able to wear something I picked out, or at least have more of a say in it. And I’m completely willing to buy it myself–I really am not a little brat!

I’m trying to wait it out and see if I might change my mind or maybe figure out a way to make us both happy, but in a scenario that doesn’t involve me wearing her dress on my wedding day.

Is there a way to meet in the middle? 

The idea of hurting her feelings has been getting me pretty depressed lately, and I just want to be feeling happy with her while we plan.

Any and all advice is welcome. I appreciate you taking the time to read my question.

-Sleepless in Seattle

Dear Sleepless in Seattle (<— awesome, by the way. awesome.)

We all have moments in life, where we’ll be taking a walk or sitting down on a bench outside, just zoning out, maybe reading the paper.  Seemingly out of nowhere, a memory from a day long past will sail into view and take over for a bit in our minds.  For no good reason other than the inherent goodness of the memory and the feelings it brings.  Whenever this happens to me, I smile.  I get all filled up with warmth and feel less alone in the world.  I get happy that the memory is there; that I have it for calling upon, as needed.  And these memories usually have a way of visiting when we’re in need of them.  They stockpile themselves in what I’ll call, our “Love Tank.”  (Not to be confused with Real Housewife of Orange County Vicki’s Love Tank.  But speaking of Vicki’s Love Tank, I wonder if a therapist has ever revealed to her that her Love Tank will never be full because it is in reality a coping mechanism, directly linked to her deep-seated feelings of abandonment and lack of worth?  I wonder.  You know I bet not, based on what I’ve seen of her behavior.  Which is that of a baby’s behavior.  (YES I WATCH RHOOC AND HAVE FOR THE DURATION; IT’S A GUILTY PLEASURE SUE ME.)

Anyway, these kinds of ‘happy’ memories are usually the result of decisions we or others had to make – easy or hard – to do certain things for ourselves or for the people we love.  Even the tiniest gestures, when hatched, can become lifelong memories.

Now.  Like any self-respecting person, you want your wedding to be your wedding.  But you also want others to feel that their desires are important to you.  And out of love and respect, you want these other people to feel heard and feel important.  But what starts out as a beautiful sentiment, often translates into a supremely difficult task when attempting to implement… because trying to please too many people at one time usually doesn’t please anyone, or pleases everyone BUT you.

Ok, so what do we do?  Well, here are two things I think might be good options, and don’t worry neither of them include swallowing your feelings and wearing your mother’s dress on your wedding day:

1. You can be real and let your mother know how you feel.  If she’s an understanding person, she’ll understand.  Maybe she just needs to hear you say it.  Sometimes our worst fears are just that… our worst fears.  Not the reality.

2. You can honor your mother’s wishes in a slightly alternative way, and wear your mom’s frock in a separate shoot to feature the dress itself.  Or you can even have a mini shoot on your wedding day before things get underway (IF YOU HAVE THE TIME; GOTTA MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE TIME OTHERWISE YOU’LL GET OVERWHELMED).

K, let’s get to the oh-so-relevant pictures now, shall we?  Here’s a quick explanation of why this shoot came to be, from EB, the incredible photographer who worked with Megan and Kellen to bring these shots to our eyes:

“Megan and Kellen wanted a way to honor their families, so we did a shoot in Megan’s mom’s wedding dress. Megan’s fiancee Kellen wore the watch his dad got married in.”

Now… HOW. PERFECT. IS. THIS.

On a typical day, Bambino enjoys many things. These things include but are not limited to: running, dancing, running out of breath, hugging children’s faces, hugging Great Danes’ faces, hugging peoples’ upper thighs with his tiny arms and even tinier paws, galavanting, being a freaking WEIRDO:

Finding himself terribly handsome:

Speaking to invisible traveling companions:

And passing out cold:

Bambino is the best thing that ever happened to us, by the way.  I don’t know if I’ve said that yet.

Okie dokie… so here’s what I’d love to know:

1) Do you have any thoughts regarding Sleepless in Seattle’s dress situation?

2) OMG THIS SHOOT.  Do you LOVE??!  I LOVE.

Side personal note: If my Mom had actually worn a wedding dress the day she got married, I would seriously consider taking a page from this bride’s book on life for my upcoming wedding.  Because it is beyond words how much of a sustained impact those images stand to have on a bride and her mother.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.  And hope you had a pleasant weekend!

xoxo  - Alison

Photography: Two Bird Studio


DIY: Striped / Chevron Coasters | By DIY Bloggista Allison!

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Hey lovers!  Alison here (obviously).  So it’s Thursday, and I’m pretttttyyy, prettttttyyy excited (and overwhelmed) for two reasons… reason number one is that I’m heading out on the road for what should be a really fun press trip in Cape May today with some fellow bloggers and I literally justfinishedpackingthissecond.  Typical me.  Anyway I’m excited to let you know how it goes, and if Senorita Pale McFaceington (myself) is able to achieve the unachievable — enough of a tan to make my veins less like a blue subway map my skin!  Wish me luck ;)

The OTHER reason, which is entirely about excitement and very little to no overwhelmednesseses, is that I get to introduce you to one of our two brand new DIY bloggers – Allison of Engaged & Inspired!   And today, for her first DIY post, she’s bringing a super spin on a real favorite in the DIY world…. take it away, Allison!

Hello All! I can’t tell you how excited I am to be here! Thanks so much to Alison for allowing me to blog about DIY fabulousness each week. Let’s get started with what I have in store for you today.

I am a huge advocate and big fan of the concept of reusing as much of your wedding decor as possible. I definitely did it, and anything I didn’t use, I sold. Seriously, who has an extra room just for wedding decor lefties. (Actually I do….and it is filled with just that, lefties. But I hate it and don’t want anyone else to endure said pain.) So today’s DIY can be used to create a statement at your wedding, then can turn right around and be used in your home to add a little statement there.

Striped Tile Table Runner:

What You’ll Need:

  • Spray Paint (I used a flouresent pink because I am obsessed, but if you go to Michael’s or Home Depot they have every color imaginable and you can find something that fits your color palette.)
  • Ceramic Bathroom Tiles (They are .16 at Home Depot)
  • Tape (I used a .75 width painter’s tape because I wanted smaller stripes, but you can go as big or small as you please)

How To:

Set 4 tiles together. You want each corner to have color, so you start by creating two tape lines on either side of the color. I used a small piece of tape in between each line just to ensure they were the same size and even.

Continue taping until you have tape covering the spots you want on the entire tile. I folded the tape down the side so the stripe-effect would continue on each side as well.

Spray 1 or 2 coats of spray paint evenly over all the tiles.

This is a VERY important step. Take the tape off while the spray paint is still wet. If you don’t do this the tape will stick to your paint and will chip the edges.

To create a table runner, just repeat these steps until you have enough to fit your tables. After the wedding stack them as coasters! And since you will have SO many lefties, feel free to give them as gifts to parents and bridal party members as a fun little keepsake after the wedding!

So, what do you think? Awesome right? Thanks Alison for allowing me to show you all this fabulous little DIY :)

xoxo  - Allison, Engaged & Inspired

The Day I Kinda Sorta Crashed a Wedding……………………….. A Love Story.

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Hey friendlies…

As most of you know, I was lucky enough to be invited to stay out in Cape May at Congress Hall since Thursday along with some other colleagues/friends who do this wedding blogging thing I do, and you’ll never guess what we’re doing right. at. this. very. moment.

We’re kinda sorta crashing a wedding.  

Except it’s with permission – encouragement in fact – from the fine people at Congress Hall.  Oh, and the couple; they were into it, too.

So maybe– ok this isn’t crashing a wedding, is it.  I’m completely wrong.  I can’t cross this one off my bucket list, can I.  DAG NABIT.

Whatever, I’ve got my story, you’ve got yours.  And mine is that I finally crashed a wedding in my lifetime. ;)

I’ll let you know how it all goes on Monday… and whether or not I had to beat up the groom afterwards for marrying a slice of cake with his bride’s face.  That’s a bit of no-no, in my book.  But to each his own…

unless I’m around to kick a butt.

In the meantime, here are some instagrams from the trip so far…

And talk about a blast from the past…

:)

Here’s to a swell weekend for you all!  Hope it’s pleasurable.  In whatever way you’d like it to be.

Oh and by the way, if you wanna see more of my amateur-at-best instagrams from the trip (we’re here until tomorrow afternoon), just follow the hashtag #congresshall on Twitter.  Though I should warn you that you will be positively INUNDATED.  So, sorry in advance… I love instagramming.

xoxo  - Alison

The Fall of Pinterest + Cotton Candy Carnival Shoot By Katy O Photo + Bambino has a TWIN + Oh Look, I Killed Another Thing. (And Then You Say: “What’s new?”)

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Ok, SO!  It’s late Tuesday, and working on a certain tv show recap all day has resulted in one of those weirdly out of control posts a lot of you may be familiar with.  It’s true; out of control posts have been few and far between here on the blog.  So…. like… here you go..?  You’re welcome..?  Just– just please don’t judge me.

I will start with the thing I fear most when it comes to my online world.   Particularly with regard to Pinterest.  

One of those IRL friends I have emailed me that vid, and I was like “HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA… HAAHAAA… HAA OHHHH MYYYY… YES.  YES, THIS.  THIS IS– OHH MYY GAAAH I WANNA CRY.”  Because that li’l video’s truthiness is beyond compare (comparison?).  What do you think?  Do you worry that Pinterest is inevitably bound for the town of Spamville, population: 20 million trolls with anger issues?  If so what a sad, sad fate to anticipate.  But alas, the force is strong in trolls, my friends.  Which is odd since trolls are weak little child grownups who sit at home alone and spend most of their time masturbating and/or leaving hateful comments meant to incite others.  Ahhhhhh…. the internet.

We just gotta accept one simple truth, I guess…

You said it best, white horse I found on the internet which linked back to tumblr, which linked back to another tumblr, which linked back to another tumblr, which linked back to ‘uploaded-by-user,’ which in essence is the worst thing about inspiration collection sites because there is always that person who doesn’t feel it’s necessary to bother to link back to those who originated the content.  So yeah if anyone knows who made that positively HILAR horse poster, do tell.  Thanks!  I would like to give them proper credit.  (The way I’m going to give proper credit to Katy of Katy O Photo , the talented young lady who sent in the fabulously fun carnival shoot you’re about to see once I’m through wasting your time being very, very ridiculous a little bit longer.  For example, this part coming up is about murder.)

update: thanks to a lovely reader named Shannon, we’ve found the artist!  It’s Aled Lewis, and his work has been featured on design work life.  yayYUH!  You rock, Shannon!  Believe it or not I totally google image searched that ish.  I am clearly not very thorough.

So, in other news, check it out–

 My mom gave me that beautiful peony last week!  I’m looking forward to swiftly killing it.

Oh look!  This happened while I was writing that.

yaaaay.

Oh, hello everyone.  I didn’t see you there.  My name is Alison and I am a plant murderer.  I can’t keep them alive.  Seriously, I can’t keep them alive and it pains me beyond measure.  Can you?  It is a personal burden I carry.  One that makes me doubt my own ability to care for actual children.  Will I give my children too little water? too much? will I know to give my children enough sunlight? but not so much that they wither from overexposure?

Will I wrongly store them in mugs? limiting their room for growth?  Will I mock my children’s suffering on instagram, as above?

I feel like every child I babysat in my youth was LUCKY TO MAKE IT OUT ALIVE.  As you can imagine this is a sucky feeling.  Especially since I like to think of myself as rather maternal.

If you need more proof of my deathgrip– everybody knows about my succulent tragedies, of which there are many.  Par exaahhhmpluhh:

Help… me…

Ok that’s enough of that.  (<== you were probably thinking that five minutes ago, right)  Let’s get this show on the road!  As I mentioned, Katy O Photo submitted this shoot featuring the lovely Grace and Jeremy, and here’s what she said about the engagement shoot:

It’s of the sweetest couple, Grace & Jeremy who had their session at a carnival in Holland, Mi. They’re getting married in October, and having an “Old World Carnival” theme, complete with strong men and popcorn. I’m quite excited. I had a lot of fun with the session and thought they were just too cute not to share with the world. You’re the first blog I’m trying to submit to, because you’re my fave. Thought I’d shoot big. ;)

Hollaaa!  Enjoy… the message I took away from this shoot and this couple was simply to f**king have a good time.  Just have fun.  Get all dresses up in some fun duds, get your makeup and hair did, and just have some fun being yourselves.  Those are always my FAVORITE pictures.  Fantastic job, Katy O!  You rocked this shoot out :)

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED??????

Like I said and am probably overkilling but I really, really mean it, I love how Grace and Jeremy along with their photographer all just had some straight up fun with that day.  This kind of approach not only resulted in great images they’ll cherish forever, but one hell of a great memory to accompany them whenever they flip through the photos!

Now, on a final note:

1. Meet Violet, the cream frenchie of one Jeanine Pepler, expert organizer of that press trip I had over the weekend (more to come about that trip by the way; in the form of a discount… I’ll let you guys know when I know more):

2. And you remember Bambino, right?

3.  Well……..

I guess we’ll never know.

Unless we compare paperwork but eh I’m a little apathetic about it.

Ok so thoughts?  You know, on anything.  Please… just talk to me.  This kind of post is what results from me getting peer pressured hard enough (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, SISTER WENCHES) into spending my day trying to labor through a recap of The Bachelorette.  THERE IS SIMPLY TOO MUCH MATERIAL TO MOCK and ok yup Bambino just farted super badly.  He just fart blasted what is essentially a line drive to my face.

Before I die from any ass-born pathogens, let it be known: Actually starting to recap Emily’s season of The Bachelorette is something I have been avoiding like Bambino avoids falling back on his poop hotdogs after he drops them centimeters from his body.

and that is with quiet desperation.

xoxo  - Alison

Photography: Katy O Photo

“I fancy myself an unfussy outdoorsy type (as I sit with my laptop and iphone simultaneously texting, chatting, typing).” | By Real Bride Bloggista, Jessica

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Hey guys. Jessica here! It’s gettin sticky out, and when it gets to the sticky time of year my mind starts to wander. Dreaming of that summer escape that stills the body and unwinds the mind. Oh how I long for this. But I have a wedding to plan people, so there’s no time for that now. But wait… whats that thing that comes after the wedding, you know the part where you get all relaxey and romancey? Ahhh yes the HONEYMOON! Oh how I can not wait for the honeymoon.

Now I’d love to share with you my plans to jaunt through Europe before sailing off to that remote island that you haven’t yet heard of because it’s that uber esclusive, alas, I have no such plans. Poo. Another time perhaps. Not to worry though, I have a back up. I will scrap together whats left of our bank accounts after the money piii… uh wedding is over and fix us up something good, real good! I fancy myself the unfussy outdoorsy type, with a nostalgia for the simpler times (as I sit with my laptop and iphone simultaneously texting, chatting, typing. I said “fancy”) and I just so happen to live in an area of the country with an abundance of nature and history at my finger tips. Which brings me to my destination of choice, the Adirondack region of NY. It’s more than just chairs.

And now a brief history: The Adirondacks remained vastly unpopulated until the publication of “Adventures In The Wilderness” in 1968. An account of hunting, fishing and boating in the area. The following attention began a pilgrimage with the likes of J.P. Morgan, the Vanderbilts and the Rockefellers all claiming territory. The grand structures they built in the distinctive Adirondack style became known famously as “Great Camps”. Opulent compounds of intricate log and stone lodges, cabins and boat houses. Some compounds so lavish they included bowling alleys and covered walk ways between buildings. Now thats camping.

I love this account of Sagamore, the Vanderbilt great camp: “As the horse-drawn carriages drew near to camp, fires and Roman candles were lit all along the miles of road. It was part of a tradition; a drum roll of sorts, to alert people in camp that visitors were arriving and to tell the visitors that they were about to experience something extraordinary.

As the fires were lit, the woods would have come alive from the sound of the coach wheels, harnesses and the horses’ hooves striking gravel. Trail guides would have waved to the guests from their positions along the road. And then, as the carriages slowed, approaching the entrance to camp, the travelers would have felt the deep, healing peace of the Adirondacks.

And then as they came over the rise, Sagamore appears like a jewel. Those extraordinary wooden buildings set perfectly on the glittering lake with a manicured croquet lawn as its centerpiece. The lights in the Main Lodge, Dining Hall and cabins would have sent a warm glow across the compound; the smell of wood fires and delicious food wafting up from the kitchen. And at last, as the horses came to a rest, the weary travelers would know they had found heaven.”

Just a few of the original camps with there signature use of log construction and decorative branches. The Idea was to “blend in with” rather than intrude upon the land. Of course there were less elaborate camps for the not-so-elaborately wealthy. Lean-tos were a popular choice and still used today.

I have fallen in love with the romance and the charm of this vision. An idealized wilderness utopia created for entertainment and leisure. A secret  escape for the the who’s who of the era. It’s all just too good. And while the “gilded years” may be over the nostalgia lives on. Only a few of the famous great camps still remain but there are many authentic Adirondack cabins and cottages with loads of charm. Being the area is still a hot spot for the booming northeast metropolis you can find everything from uber ritzy lodge-spas to fully restored hipster-esq 1930′s cabins. I’ll take it! So honey poo and I are on the look out for just the right combo of lost-in-the-woods and comfortably-cool accommodations.

I stumbled upon a pretty amazing collection of little gems here. All totally affordable and hipster approved.

I want to make pancakes in this kitchen.

I am sooooo looking forward to this.

There is nothing I am going to need more come September than some time in the woods. Away, far, far, away. Well actually like five hours.. but you get the point. I NEED THIS.

And talk about perfect timing. I recently learned a key piece of info thanks to one knotty bride; honeymoon registries. Uh yeah… how did I not know these thing existed? THA-RILLED! You bettah believe I signed my a** up! I don’t need no stinkin china! Here is the link to my registry www…. nah, I’m not THAT crazy :)

But I will accept your recommendations on hikes, food, activities, stuff-ta-do. Do you have any ideas for us? Any other outdoorsy types like me?

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated. I will think fondly upon you as I bite into that killer antelope burger you suggested.

xoxo, Jessica

(Alison here!  Jessica is one of our fabulous Real Bride Bloggistas, and she’s planning her Fall 2012 vintage wedding.  Jessica is the coolest, and if you dig her half as much as I do, you can also check her out over at The SoupChic on Facebook.  Note: thoughts expressed in guest posts are not necessarily the opinion of The Knotty Bride.  Simply put, we encourage free speech.)

Image credits: leader board - 1234567 12nd group top; middle leftrightbottom3rd; 4th – link above; rustic home; pancakes 1 & 2

GIRL TALK | 19-year-old Miley Cyrus is engaged, while I lost my virginity at 21.

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I know, second post in day WHOA.  But I’m keeping this post short and sweet, because I don’t have much relevant experience in the arenas of being 19 years old anymore and getting engaged at an early age.

But what I DO know is she’s getting some crap about it.  But is the “too young for marriage” argument deserved, or misguided?

Here’s my truth: I didn’t get super duper intimate with a guy until I was 21 years of age.  Forget dating.  It took me a long time to curl up to the idea of getting into a sexual and committed relationship with another person.  Therefore the idea of being in a serious relationship that found its beginning when I was at the tender age of 16 is something I personally have no experience in.  So I really can’t speak on the matter.  But I do know that couples who started dating from a young age and got engaged/married at a similarly young age always seem to get crap about it.  “Oh, you’ve never been with another person? don’t you feel like you missed out?”  Or, “how do you know you’ve found the right one if you haven’t been with anyone else?”  I hear that high school sweethearts hear stuff like that a lot.  People don’t seem to have a lot of faith in what from the outside seems to be one of the most adorable, committed and loving gestations of coupledom.  But who knows.

Addendum: I should make something clear — I’m kind of playing Devil’s Advocate in this post.  Because I’m typically on the side of thinking this is a little too young to get married.  But to each his own, right?  … or wrong?

Some background: The two fell in love on the set of The Last Song…

… when Miley was a cherubic little munchkin and Liam was… uhhh… Liam was… older looking than that.

Ok.  All joking aside, I’m really curious about this.  What do you guys think of Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth’s engagement?  Be totally honest, we’re all friends here.  Do you think it’s a bit early, even if they’ve been together for a while?  Or should we leave her to make her own decisions?  I mean, she seems to be really good at that.  Ok that was my last joke.

By the way, here’s her ring:

Pretty, isn’t it?

And here’s another one of the poster’s for that movie they did together…

Ok, let’s talk: what are your feelings/thoughts about the idea of arranging to be married in your teens?  Anyone have any thoughts, or maybe experience with it?

xoxo  - Alison

images: couple via here, her engagement ring via here.

DIY WIN: Glam Hair Bow + Headband, Glitter Optional… By DIY Bloggista Renee!

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Happy Thursday afternoon, friends!  So… THIS happened today:

I was minding my own business doing some work earlier, and decided to look outside as I so often do.  At this time, I noticed a couple walking together, dressed up a little, but nothing fancy.  They seemed to be in their late 30s.  I think they caught my eye strictly because they were the only two people standing perfectly still in the middle of the sidewalk, and not talking.

There was something strange about this couple.  They appeared very focused on one another, yet their mouths weren’t spewing words a mile a minute in an involuntary attempt to fill every bit of time and space… the way *mine* does at Honey.  ”Amazing!” I thought to myself.  Were they in some sort of private cold war? or maybe a game of chicken?  You don’t see people standing motionless in NYC unless they’re having a disagreement, handing you a pamphlet you don’t want, hailing a cab, getting stood up, or they’re the one out of every 20 pedestrians here who is secretly or not so secretly insane.  We have three of the last ones on my block.  Suffice it to say they are abundant.

But this couple didn’t seem crazy.  I kept looking. I had moved from my chair to rightupagainst the screen of my window at this point, I was so drawn to the oddity.  I’m a people watcher so a unique couple like this is comparable to winning the megamillions.  I soon realized that they weren’t weird, they were just lovingly admiring one another and exchanging meaningful smiles– which they must have felt needed to be done standing still to have the intended impact.  What followed were 10 little pecks all in a row, on the lips.  And then back to walking… and off they went.  I jotted it down because it was one of the most beautiful moments I’ve ever witnessed and, like that couple, I would like to deliver 10 little pecks all in a row to Renee Hong’s cheek while standing still on the street, because the love I have for her first DIY with us is not unlike the deep, soulful love that couple has for one another.

Or something like that.  Renee Hong is one of our newest DIY contributors, and she’ll be visiting us regularly here on the blog.  SO.  EXCITED.  If you think she rules, let her know down below!  This is her first voyage on TKB!  Ok, take it away, Renee!

DIY: Hair bow for you and/ or your flower girls — wear it two ways!

Hi there, lovely readers — Renee here! I’m so excited to be the newest contributor on the Knotty Bride! I come here for all sorts of pretty inspiration and am awestruck that I have the opportunity to share bits of my creativity alongside such talented peeps. Today I’ll be introducing myself with a dreamy little DIY that showcases my dual personality/aesthetic. It presents a side of the pretty and soft look that I swoon over — but it doesn’t leave out the glitter and glam that is equally a part of me! This project will make a perfect gift for your flower girls (or even bridesmaids!). Flower girls are such a precious part of weddings, and a perfect way to make yours feel loved is to send her off with a charming handmade hair piece that she can wear on your special day. One of my favorite accessories for as long as I can remember are bows (what girl doesn’t love them?) — and that’s what we’re going to make! The best part of this DIY? You can style two ways. Check out the tutorial and choose — are you sweet or sparkle?

Here’s what you’ll need:

- White chiffon
- White tulle
- Scissors
- Needle & thread
- Hot glue gun
- Silver glitter ribbon
- Beret clip and/or headband

Let’s get started!

Step 1: Cut

Cut out three rectangles of chiffon and three rectangles of tulle, about 3″x4″ each. Stack the fabrics into one rectangle, layering the chiffon and tulle alternately — starting with tulle and ending with chiffon on top.

Step 2: Sew

Lay the stack horizontally and bunch the center of the stack together to create a bow shape. Sew the center to hold it in place.
*note: for a nice, fluffy shape, start at the top center and gradually gather the material towards the top — don’t just push the two ends together!

Step 3: Wear it two ways

SWEET: Grab an extra scrap piece of chiffon and wrap it around three or four times to make the center of the bow. Secure the back with hot glue and attach to a headband using hot glue.

SPARKLE: Use glitter ribbon to wrap around the center of the bow. Secure with hot glue and attach a beret clip to the back using hot glue.

Andddd you’re finished!

Thank you to lovely miss Erica-with-gorgeous-Goldilocks-hair who did a fabulous job modeling, and the amazing Jenna of Jenna Rae Photography who captured this DIY!

What do you think?  And would you make these for your flower girls – or maybe yourself! – to wear on your wedding day?  Also, which one fits your style better — sweet or sparkle? :)

Hope you guys enjoyed this project — can’t wait to post again soon!

xo Renee

Photography: Jenna Rae Photography

 

MAKE IT: DIY Glitter Mason Jar + A Tip for Making the Glitter Stay Put! | By DIY Bloggista Allison

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For ages, people have been entranced by two things: glitter, and mason jars.  Pictures of mason jars, pictures of glitter… even pictures of mason jars holding glitter inside, as if to *store* it in some way… pictures like this can be found readily across the internets – all of them, all the internets, even the ones women invented, silly New York Times article – and these pictures?  They are being pinned every. single. DAAYYY.

However in more recent times, these same entranced people have been haunted by a certain burning question:

“… but– how do I get the glitter on the OUTSIDE of the jar?”

Well today, ladies and germs… today is the luckiest day of your motherloving lives, if you’ve been asking that burning question.  But it’s also the lucky day of anyone who just likes looking at pretty things.  On that note…

Take it away, Allison…

Allison here! I’m super excited to share this week’s DIY with you all! I’m sure you have seen the gold spray painted mason jar by now, right? Well, I wanted to take it one step further and glitter-fy a mason jar instead. This is a super easy one with very few supplies needed, although things can get a little messy if you aren’t careful.

Supplies Needed:

1. Glitter (Any color, any kind. I used Martha Stewart “Smoky Quartz found at Michaels.”)
2. Glue (TIP: I used Martha Stewart Glitter Glue. Regular glue works, but it doesn’t hold on the glitter as well over time.)
3. A type of Mason Jar ( Or any jar for that matter!)
4. A throwaway tray or box (In which to create the project without getting glitter all over the place.)

Start by painting the entire area with glue. Glitter Glue has a built in brush making it easy to slap a coat of glue quickly and easily over the whole area.

Pou glitter over the mason jar and roll it around in a pile of glitter. I confined my glitter in a box as you tend to pour much more than is needed. With your fingers fill in any missing spots so the entire thing is glittery awesomeness.

And there you have it! Easy as pie :) A finished glittery mason jar to make those flowers even prettier than they were before! Check it out:

Anyone up for trying a fun DIY this weekend? Woud love to see what you do with a little glitter and glue! Make sure to show us pics!

xoxo  - Allison, Engaged & Inspired


PERSONAL POST + SOFT GLAM WEDDING | “Why follow others’ rules when you can make your own.” Vanessa Joy Photography & Rob Adams Films

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Happy Tuesday afternoon/evening, faces.  Here’s me sharing something way too personal with you.  Crossing my fingers it’s not totally awkward for everyone involved.

I was sitting in my doctor’s waiting room yesterday, and if it was two hours it felt like two days.  I had asked my Mom to come with me.  She was off yesterday and this was the kind of appointment you want a loved one around for.  Mainly for when you have to walk back out into the waiting room armed with some news, and the only thing that’s different about you is absolutely everything.

If you follow me on Twitter you probably saw me tweeting some lighthearted jokes about what I was doing.  That’s how I deal with uncomfortable, scary situations.  I try to enjoy myself.  What else am I gonna do?

I’ve been debating since yesterday whether or not I should blog about the reason I had to see my gynecologist.  I’ve been back and forth between “nobody wants to hear about this” and “this is an important aspect of your life, talk about it” but always back to “no one wants to read about this, Alison.  Write something fun and introduce the wedding.”  As I write this I’m still unsure of whether or not I should even be sharing it, because I’m all concerned about your reaction.  I’m allergic to situations where it’s possible that people might think I’m seeking their attention or pity.  I hate the idea of people feeling sorry for me on the blog so I stay away from talking about the really heavy things here.  To be honest.  But at this point it’s like whatever, because the more I try not to tell you guys about it, the more consuming of my thoughts it becomes.  So here goes nothing.

So.  The reason I saw my gynecologist yesterday is because they found pre-cancerous cells on my cervix five years ago.  Since then my body has been in a constant state of trying to fight them off, though not without help of course.  There were the Gardasil shots.  And the scrapings.  And then there was yesterday, the culmination of a f**kload of appointments I’ve had over the last five years to deal with this situation.  And I walked into that appointment the way I’ve been walking around for the last five years, which is with two distinct fears: the possibility that I might have The C Word, and the fact that I might not be able to bear children.

And I’m in tears as I write this because of what is now the best sentence ever uttered to me in all of my *cough-cough* years.  ”Alison!  Your cervix looks BEAUTIFUL.”

I am flying, you guys.  I can’t put into words how worried I’ve been, and how anxious I’ve been about going back for that last check-up.  However I suspect that some of you may understand what this feels like, especially since my situation is becoming more and more prevalent among women.  So all I’d like to say before I get to today’s beautiful wedding by Vanessa Joy and Rob Adams is: LADIES, I HOPE YOU’RE SEEING YOUR GYNECOLOGIST REGULARLY.  And if not, I’m currently trying to kick your ass into doing it.  Because these kinds of things don’t start off with symptoms.  They have to be discovered on a pap smear.  So please, get checked if you haven’t?  I have a vested interest in you staying alive so that you can keep reading the The Knotty Bride.  Do you understand me?  Readers translate to profits.  And ok maybe part of it is that I care about you and want you to be healthy.

Aright, MOVING. ON.  Apologies to Michelle and Chris for talking about my lady parts for at LEAST several minutes in their feature.  Sorry Michelle and Chris!  It’s just that I got this “they’re cool” vibe from you guys so I went for it.  … Bygones?

Ok listen up, here’s the rundown from that gorgeous girl, Michelle!

My husband Chris and I are not traditional. When planning our wedding, we both agreed to make it a fun and lively experience. We wanted our wedding to stand out from most by doing things different from tradition styles. As a couple we wanted the best of the best while being different, which is why we had Vanessa Joy and her husband Rob Adams bring our wedding day to life through the artistic style of photography and cinematography. Due to their amazing work our day will always be remembered and viewed by family and friends through their fabulous non-traditional pictures/slide show and movie trailer. Chris and I decided to have a pre-view prior to our church ceremony and meet in an intimate setting with just him, myself and our bridal party. Many people may not agree to us doing a “First Look Pre-view” but as a bride I say to other future brides “why follow others’ traditional rules when you can make your own…..it’s your wedding do what you want”.

Our wedding color scheme was plum purple bridal dresses with bright lavender, ivory and yellow crème de la crème flowers. The Groom and Ushers attire was black tuxedos and silver vests….none of that matching the bridesmaids’ dresses…I think that’s tacky. I’m not your typical bride who loves flowers at weddings and so I found it difficult at first to figure out center pieces. However being that I like to be different I came up with the idea of having something that may have some flowers but is not all flowers. I decided to have manzenita trees and crystal trio candle sticks on every other table. The guests at my wedding were amazed at the center pieces and talked about them even long after the wedding. My advice to future brides would be “don’t be afraid to stand out and be different, be creative and allow loved ones around you embrace what you and your fiancée represent”. There are going to be things you want for your wedding that may or may not be available due to your budget. Know your budget prior to planning and use it towards the things that mean the most to you on your day. The most emotional part of my wedding experience was my “In memory “bouquet charm. I had it custom ordered in memory of my grandparents who passed away not long before my engagement. They have been in my life through all the good and the bad with open arms. It was devastating to not have them be a part of my wedding day in person but with that bouquet charm, which had their picture on it; they were there with me in spirit. For all who couldn’t be with us on that day we decided to have a memorial table next to our dais, which had pictures of loved ones who passed and a light candle in their memory. Our wedding was more then we could have ever imagined and we wouldn’t want to change a thing.

^ STRONG evidence in favor of uplighting ^

You guys, Rob did a same day edit for Michelle and Chris’ wedding; check it out below!

Oo, did I mention they made them a hella rad movie poster, too?  Because they DID:

 Congratulations Michelle and Chris!  Your wedding day was absolutely lovely!

Ok so.  Couple of questions, if you don’t mind…

1) How darling are Michelle and Chris?!

2) Can you believe I talked about my vagibbitty doodaa in this post?  I think the only remaining territories I have yet to explore on the blog are diarrhea and masturbation.  After that I think I’ve hit every possible embarassing and/or wholly inappropriate topic out there.  Go, that..?

kisses and cuddles and good health to you.

xoxo  - Alison

Photography: Vanessa Joy / Cinematography: Rob Adams / Submitted via Two Bright Lights / Wedding gown: Kleinfield / Hair & make up: Visage / Church: St. Clare / Reception hall: Addison Park / Centerpieces: Floral Sentiments / Bridal party flowers: Flowers by Bernard /parents flowers / Bridal party dresses: Hearts for you / Groom and ushers tuxedos: Men’s warehouse / Elite Beats Productions (website in process)

Vanessa Joy Photography and Rob Adams Films are both members of Vendor Love, TKB’s preferred vendors collective.  You can explore more of Vanessa Joy Photography and Rob Adams Films in our guide.

Couple Impersonates Bears During Engagement Shoot; Survives To Tell Story. | By The Bird & The Bear

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Happy Thursday afternoon, yous guys.  First, I feel like it would be rude of me to just start blogging without thanking you for all the really kind words about that whole lady parts post I shared this week.  Means a lot, soo…. thanks.  Really.  You’re all officially number one on my speed dial.

Besos to your facos. B)

Okie dokie.  Here’s what’s going down rizzight nizzow (FYI: I’m currently wrapping up my Bachelorette recap so I’m super into giving away at the beginning EXACTLY what’s going to transpire during the episode by teasing it before it unfolds, and therefore ruining it): I’m gonna address a burning Bambino question (talk about a poor choice of words but a fully legit alliteration), and then we’re going to address one of the raddest shoots ever, submitted by The Bird & The Bear.  We’re also going to address why it’s so rad, imho.

Somebody asked me recently what Bambino does during those times I catch him staring at himself in the mirror.  I think they asked, ” does he sit and admire his handsome self?”

I’ve been meaning to answer that question and what better time than now.  So… no, he doesn’t.  He does the opposite– he stays perfectly silent, stares deep into his own eyes, and then, when his reflection is least expecting it, he yells at himself to scare his own likeness off… and then proceeds to condense his entire body into a thick, round, densely gathered mass of fear and agility which he then uses to run the f**k away from his own image.

… This is my dog.  There are many like it, but this one is mine.  *wipes away tears of pride*

Ok.  Here we go, you guys.  I’m so excited.  What’s about to unfold is pretty much an adult version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, except Goldilocks IS one of the bears, and there are only two bears and actually “Adult” version doesn’t sound very tasteful so you know what scratch all of that.  Here’s a good idea! ==> I’mma stop talking.

Here’s the background on why and how this shoot came to be — and the reason I find it to be so rad — from their stellar photog Caryn of The Bird & The Bear:

This engagement session has been one of my favorites this year. Megan and Brian are such a fun loving couple who were slightly nervous about their session. The solution we came up with was to play around with a couple of bear mascot heads to loosen them up! We also chose a very familiar park in the neighborhood where Brian grew up to create a more comfortable environment. The result? A hilarious video, a fun day, and photos that portray how they are when they’re alone – relaxed, happy, and oh so in love. Their wedding will be this June in Houston, Texas, and we can’t wait to capture it!

i seriously love this.  everything about it.

Ok let’s chat.  Things I’m interested in talking about…

1) Do you and your honey have a certain animal or something that you guys identify with?  Bears happen to be our thing, so I have a special place in my heart for those bear helmets Megan and Brian wore (helmets? caps? I would call them ‘bear heads’ but that sounds to me like they decapitated bears and then put the gutted skins over their faces so it’s DEFINITELY not ‘bear heads’).

2) Are you shy about getting photographed?  Do you worry about it at all, with regard to getting photographed on the day of your engagement shoot or wedding?  How would you/did you deal with it?  What helps YOU kick the shyness?  Or are you FULL THROTTLE when it comes to being comfortable in your own skin. :)

3) Are you planning on reading my Bachelorette recap which I’m furiously finishing right now so that I can post it ASAP?  Be advised; I ask you that for good reason… because your encouragement is the only thing that gets me through this goshforsaken process.

xoxo!  - Alison

Photography: The Bird & The Bear / Submitted via Two Bright Lights

The Bird & The Bear is a member of Vendor Love, TKB’s preferred vendors collective.  You can explore more of The Bird & The Bear in our guide.

BACHELORETTE EMILY RECAP Ep. 5: “GTFO.” | How are all these life-size Barbie figurines talking right now.

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Hello and welcome ladies and gentlemen to your Knotty recap of The Bachelorette Episode 5.  I would like to start by saying, that after everything I’ve seen so far this season the only thing that doesn’t shock me about Emily’s hopefuls is that none of them have girlfriends.

Also…

Emily.  How are you kissing that face?  Please get rid of him soon he is terrrrrrible.

As far as Bambino McPuppypants goes, he hasn’t suddenly become a fan of the show, that’s for sure.  He’s the kind that wears his emotions on his paw…

Bambino even seems to have some sort of sixth or would it be seventh? sense for when I’m getting close to recap-time…

OK.  LET’S BEGIN.

So I pick up the remote to press “Play” on The Bachelorette and I’m already dry-heaving.  I can taste the beginnings of some acid reflux… something I remember experiencing only back when I was watching Ben’s season.  F Word.

I press on.  Over a period of *too many* seconds, they take me through every single detail of what is going to unfold at different points throughout the duration of the 40 minute show.  At this point I immediately consider changing the channel and faking to you guys that I watched it.

The show starts.  We hear Emily Maynard’s voice, and then we hear what sounds to be E.T. except it’s not, it’s Ricki, doing an impersonation of E.T.

The manbevy arrive in London at their lodgings.  Arie goes to the window and gets excited.  He has something to share.

Arie: ”hey guys!  check out this view!!

*BUILDINGS*

Weirded out by how much he likes the view of some neighboring apartments, everybody tries to act impressed for his sake but secretly they all begin to distance themselves from Arie immediately following that comment and forever going forward.

Chrisharrison flies in on an angel’s wings.  He invites the guys over to have a chat.  Just a quick chat.  He promises no BC Calculus this time.

He essentially articulates the weight, shape, color and size of Emily’s intentions to find a husband who is not going to leave her or her daughter ever.  If the air could be thick with *this is for real* it would be so goddamn thick with it you’d need those glasses that have those special windshield wipers on the lenses, so you could wipe all that thick away.  Chrisharrisonface is being overly protective of Emily; very fatherly.  There’s an aroma of ‘veiled threats’ in his speech.

… he must have an awareness that most of these guys are fame-hungry dweebs without the capacity, let alone desire, to have a meaningful, longterm relationship with anyone/thing other than their own cockadoodledoos.

It’s time for the contest rules as usual.  He explains to them that they are in London right now and that ab + c = q.  He goes on to say that 9 to the 3rd power is within the range of all southwest flying birds and gun ranges wherein the guns are brown NOT black, and the number 3 million.  Lastly, he emphasizes that not one of those numbers is above the level of interest Emily has in f**king finding some motherf**king real love this time.  Not to mention another parent to help carry the burden of her baggage, as some of the men so aptly twisted a certain luxury brand consultant’s words into being.

ONE ON ONE DATE – SEAN + EMILY, LONNNNDONNNN.

Stuff happens.  I’m bored so I half-listen all the way through most of it.  Though one part that I’m ALL EARS for is when Sean is asked to give a speech on a pedestal in public and he is like, “i’m shyyyyy.”  Asked again, he mounts the pedestal and delivers a riveting speech that felt no more than like 98% memorized beforehand.  Now, he could have done this and it could have completely flown by me.  And that would’ve been fine.  Except he was employing some sort of staccato beat system to his cadence and so it came out like a reenactment of a scene from The King’s Speech.

At the end of the date, Emily says “MUH’ KISSES” I think twice and then more previews and then commercials.

At this point I have tallied it up on paper and Emily has already said GTFO 48 times. But I analyze the data and that turns out to include all of the times her cursing was teased before commercial.  Not actual times (which is going to be a total of ‘one’; she says it once).

KALON’S LUXURY INAPPROPRIATENESS

Caught being honest and realistic about the situation/life by saying, “Yeah, I hope I get a chance to talk to an exhausted sick mother who has a child at home,” Kalon naturally gets in trouble and he is shocked that he can’t brand consult his way out of it.  (Kalon, you don’t say things like that *out loud* you keep them in your truth bank deep inside so that the suppressed emotions can mastesize throughout your body ultimately killing you.  Don’t you know how to be a human yet? this is old news.)

It’s commercial time again, and I’ve never been happier that a show has abusively long commercial breaks.

53 minutes in, I’ve fast-forwarded through the entire Shakespeare scene, because I’m a recapper not a martyr.  Doug brings us up to speed in his signature Derp-Style of talk and I feel refreshed in my strong belief that he is not right for Emily.  Emily likes bad boys who she believes have good inside of them (but secretly wishes don’t because then she would get bored).  These good ol’ boys need to cowboy up and be more unreachable and emotionally scarred from childhood if they wanna win her heart.

We’re met again by Emily’s now offensively obvious cold, and it is beyond reproach.  The men all start to moan about her being that girl at the office who comes in to work even though she’s sick with a bad cough.  Everybody knows that girl, and everybody hates that girl.  Emily’s that girl.

This is when I escape for a moment to check Twitter and notice that one of the current top trends being discussed is “Vagina Movie Lines.”  I return to the show.

Bambino starts to have a dream about barking at someone or something and that cues me and Honey to pause the show and hone in on the sound of his preciously adorable voice.  When he dreams he makes these adorable “bloop!” sounds as if he’s dropping his barks into a bucket of water.  So coot.

Anyway, back to the show and we’re only 54 MINUTES IN WTF?  Weren’t we just at 53?  Damnit.  Damnit, ok.  Ok.  Ok I’m better.  We hear Emily trying to talk through the death valley that is the landscape of her vocal cords and we almost feel sorry for her, until we remember again that she is the girl at the office who comes in with a cold and then proceeds to have close conversations with everyone around her.

Next scene we see, there’s a conversation going on between two guys who definitely use the same self-tanner/are boring.

Going off about what Kalon said, Arie says, “if I didn’t want to be here??!!!! If I didn’t!??!! I would just like literally WALK. OUT. OF HERE. like YOU KNOW WHAT AH’M SAYIN BRO??!!!! I’D F**KIN’ LEAVE!”

Single Parent Doug jumps up on cue when alerted by producers that they actually hit the Kalon line early and he proceeds to act genuinely irritated as instructed.  He even literally says (while heavily sedated as seems to be his usual routine given that familiar cadence) “hearing that [Kalon] thinks that about Ricki, genuinely pisses me off, as a single parent, I would want to know if someone felt that way.”

Doug proceeds to tell EVERYONE about the Kalon situation including Emily, and this is the point in the show when Emily becomes a real person.

EMILY MAYNARD A.D.

Emily, after hearing from Doug what Kalon said about Ricki being baggage, is insulted by the idea of someone being so callous, and rightly so as a mother.

Emily: “I am so angry right now. I’m trying to think of a way…. my mind’s going a million miles a minute…. trying to think of the most lady like way, to respond to this…. but…. I want to rip his limbs off and beat him with them.”

Hi Real Emily Maynard! It’s so nice finally to meet you after all these seasons.

Emily gets uncharacteristically candid and says she wants to “go West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass.”  And I recall once hearing that Emily is from Carolina but noo, no that can’t be, not anymore.  Naturally I assume I was wrong and that it must be West Virginia, because you can’t say “I wanna go West Virginia hoodrat” unless you’re one of two things: *from* West Virginia or currently living in West Virginia.  Otherwise, it’s offensive. And it would be hard for me to believe Emily was not the Limited Edition ‘PC’ Barbie I know her to be.  Then Honey, suddenly the resident Bachelorette Statistician, says “isn’t she from one of the Carolinas?” and the right side of my brain explodes.  Turns out that on a scale of 1 to 10, SHE IS.

She confronts Kalon in a room full of the guys.  The guys all act like Tiger Children – they are to be seen but not heard. Kalon takes his best shot at redemption by completely blowing it with brutal honesty.  She tells someone to “Get The F**k Out.” It doesn’t matter who she told that; Emily Maynard just said GTFO out loud!  On television!!  (At Kalon, if you rely on me to keep your facts straight.)

Doug – also known as the reason for all this – tries to comfort her but she says “BACK THE EFF OFF I NEED ME-TIME.”

What Doug doesn’t understand, what ALLLL of the guys don’t understand, is that Emily needed them to have already made an emotional connection with the little girl she birthed who they haven’t met yet, and out of that emotional connection develop the fatherly intuition to have wanted to – didn’t need to be asked; WANTED TO – stand up and defend his daughter(-who-he-hasn’t-met-yet)’s honor.

I get it, I do, but sometimes I worry about women’s expectations for men so early on in the dating process.  Honey still needs to be reminded to put his cup in the dishwasher.  Men need a little filling in on what’s important in a lot of cases, it’s just a reality.

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL | 1 hour, 15 minutes in.  Thank G-d.

Emily and Ricki are exchanging pleasantries, the full extent of their capacity for mother-daughter conversation, when Ricki, aged 6 years old, tells her mother that the king and a dragon inhabit the Buckingham Palace.  Her mother tries to nudge her in another direction by saying, “heheh noooo, goose.  Hehe you’re embarrassing mommy come come now, COME, it’s the Queen, only.  No dragons lol.”  Sensing that she’s being challenged, Ricki stands her ground with not a full sentence but a single word, “DRAAAHHHGON.”

We leave them to themselves.  But not before learning that someone’s been missing some school.

Emily is still sick.  Yuck.  The reason why none of these guys have stood up and taken a stand against forcibly being subjected to a walking-talking Contagion movie is lost on me.

ONE ON ONE DATE – EMILY AND JEF; “SCONNNNNNNNES.”

Emily and Jef (aka, WHITTLE BEHBEH BEIBER… yeah still working that nickname out; any suggestions? I’ll start going with my favorite one if you guys can think of any good ones) — anyway so like I was saying they go on a date that is somehow worse than the one before it.  Which was in a dungeon where beheadings happened a couple of times.  Emily should be an event planner she has a knack.

So, where was this date?  Somewhere where an old lady was paid to yap into their ears about everything they’re doing wrong for two hours.

We’re only minutes in and the date is going terribly at best.  The secret’s out: Jef doesn’t know the first thing about drinking afternoon tea in Britain and therefore can never successfully execute a make-believe *tea party* between himself and Ricki, Emily’s daughter.  That seems to be the test being worked out here.  This happens also to be a stirring moment in the show, as we learn more about Jef’s painful past — Jef, being Justin Bieber’s little brother, never got much attention from their mother given Justin’s clearly defined early talents, so as a result Jef never learned even the most basic and commonplace American pastimes; such as having tea at high noon with 100,000,000 diapers worth of gilded fine china, caring about the trivialities of high society’s meaningless rituals, or being able to recite lines from any Shakespeare play upon request.  It is a source of shame for him.

Jef brings about full LOLs in my household when he complains in his interview about Jean, and the having of her.

“I just have Jean… I just– I have, JEEAANN… I have JEEEAANNNNNNE.

They bounce early cause it sucks.  And they head to some place where Jef says the craziest thing he possibly can — having NOT met Ricki yet, but wanting to differentiate himself from Kalon-Hater-of-Babies — and he goes, “if Ricki’s baggage, then…. then she’s… then she’s a Chloe handbag, that I wanna have forever.”  YES. YES YOU DID IT JEF MINUS THE F. WELL DONE BRO.  He then holds out his arm and figuratively drops to the floor an invisible boutonniere rose he is assuming is in the bag at this point.

Unfortunately Emily doesn’t know a single straight guy familiar with the brand “Chloe” and so questions his motives for being on the show but arranges to go shopping together either way.

COMMERCIAL AT 1:21 and I hear Dire Straights “Walk of Life” and I’m in a good mood again.  But the commercial’s for Burger King and I officially quit red meat yesterday over that old story about the “pink slime” in almost every burger across America and so I become dismayed.  Burger King ruined Dire Straights for me, you guys. :(

The next moment that I look up and Emily is saying something about how she likes to “take it slow,” while sitting with Jef in a tiny glass bubble on the London Eye, outfitted with a dining room table, flowers, some food and about 17 crew members.  Honey remarks as he continues doing his own work:

“BY THE WAY you can’t be someone who “takes it slow” if you’re on a dating show with 25 guys and you have to make a decision within 8 weeks on who to marry.” … “AND it’s your second time doing it.”

Half-asleep he does some BC Calculus in his head without the presence of BC Calc Adjunct Professor for the show Chrisharrison — so, clearly taking risks here — and he goes, “what’s that work out to, Alison; about 1/3 of a week? on average? 1/2 a week if it’s a 12 week process? to decide if she wants to marry one of them? Seriously now.”

I agree with Honey, and pause the show to write down his thoughts. Unfortunately this means I have to pause it for more seconds than if he hadn’t spoken up, and he immediately regrets his decision to contribute.

Back to the date between Emily and Jef, and Jef starts like really intensely respecting her and just drives home that “I love your daughter” schtick so effortlessly and it’s over; she’s smitten.  We’re surprised he’s able to be so emotional given his stunted growth access to learning, a dismal side effect of being the one not named Justin growing up in the Bieber household.

Jef is sliding it on thick until he says something so aggressively contrived that I find myself saying out loud to him, “WHOOAAA WHOA WHOA BRING IT DOWN A NOTCH J-BIEB.”

Jef: “I wanna have a family.” *EYES DARTING LEFT, AWAY, AND DOWN (TELLTALE SIGN OF LYING)*

Emily: “so…. if this worked out, and you came to live with me and Ricki in SLC, Utah, there wouldn’t be Vegas, and dance parties all night, and [states everything Brad did to her]…”

Jef: “oh, no no no, the party would beGINNN, dance parties all night!” referring to the hours-long dance festivals that Emily and by this point spit-pack-ritual blood brothers Ricki and Jef, would totally be having if she picks him which she won’t because he’s five.

These family dance parties he talks about having all night; he acts like it’s his dream or something.  Like some asshole.

Disappointingly and unsurprisingly, Emily is impressed and swayed by this and falls deeper in love with his premature and codependent assertions.

But wait, he goes on.

Jef: “… heheh and, and you– you would come home n, n stuff, n me n Ricki we’d be having a dance party and umm, and you’d be happy, y’know when you came home and saw that, and–….”

Jef takes a jackhammer to all the groundwork he has laid by fully full-on’ing her with his desire to be in her and her daughter’s lives.  She is kind of over it so she gives him the rose so she can go home and begin her doctor-prescribed 8-stage regimen of drugs and a saline drip before bed.  Because mono’s a bitch.

Oh and he kisses her. JEF: Infected.

COMMERCIAL

EMILY, fresh off the set of Dynasty: The Early Years, enters the domicile where the manbevy is waiting for her to talk all of her cold into their faces one last time.  She says the cocktail party is about to start, and this is the point in the season where the producers’ decision to name Jeff “Jef” is starting to irritate me.  I don’t know why it hasn’t before.

Emily confronts Arie about not stepping up and defending Emily in that scene where Emily totally railed on Kalon about that thing he said about how children are a responsibility and all those other lies.

Arie walks out of the room feeling like on a scale of 1 to 10, he wishes he could do it over again.  But on a scale of 1 to 10, he is not infected.

Then comes Ryan. He hacks up some Shakespeare from beneath her window and proceeds to win the physical affection of his fair maiden because she is that shallow it turns out.  Wasn’t she lamenting his very existence until he handed her that necklace he brought on the show before meeting her and read off some lines of poetry?

Oh also, Infected.

Then she runs into Sean, Insurance Agent, Dallas, 28, and makes out with him.

Infected from before.  Drives home infection more mouthal lovemaking.

Enjoy the mono, everyone.  I hope getting to first base all on the same night with the same girl was worth it.

DEDUCED:
Inside of her head, Emily has already married Sean and had three additional kids with him since the show aired.  Their names are Emilina, Emilia, and Shawntel.  Sean fought very hard to get his name into one of them but he had to take a hit on the spelling and desired gender of the child.

COMMERCIAL

I see 1:47 minutes into the show and I am on cloud nine because it is almost over.  ENGAGE: ROSE CEREMONY.

ROSE CEREMONY ENGAGED

Chrisharrison arrives OUT OF NOWHERE and tells them such things as the name of the country in which they are standing right now and how Emily is not f**king around.

At this same time there are some boys outside screaming “f**k you” at each other at the top of their lungs going on 20 minutes now, 20 minutes of yelling f**k you at each other.  This is my neighborhood.

Emily announces the first man to receive a rose; it is Doug. Taking a page out of the Courtney Handbook “Winning: You and Roses,” he says “I do” and walks back to all of the friends he came on the show to make.

Emily calls up Ryan, whose walk is to the hit single by the Bee Gees from Saturday Night Fever starring John Travolta.  He proceeds to accept the rose like a boss.

More people are kept, including The Boring Bros., ‘Arie’ Boring McBorington and  ’Chris’ Snooze McSnoringsworth, The Third.  Also a guy who wore red pants; I don’t care enough to rewind for his name.  That’s how much I know he’s going home next week.

John?  I think it was John.

And with that the final nonwhite guy is released from the competition.  Emily faked it until she could fake it no more.  Her babies will be blonde and blue-eyed, all eight of them.  Goals are goals.  But it sure was nice of Emily to fake interest in anyone from less than 100% American-grown stock for even a little while.  It will not go unappreciated by the execs.

On a side note: the young man is evidently extremely emotionally effected by Emily’s rejection of him, which is a shame because if he had seen the entire episode he would have realized that he was in less than like 5% of it.

He goes out of shot and we forget about him immediately.

The episodes comes to a close, but not before Emily can announce that up next they’re all going to romantic, historic, I’m-sure-it’ll-be-fine Croatia!  Having blown their budget last season on helicopter gas (you have no idea how much it costs to fill up the brand of helicopters they use — unfortunately neither did the show’s staff), their options this season are limited to say the least.  Hence we can look forward to dates in Croatia, areas of the Middle East and select parts of very rural North Carolina.

DONE.  I hope you enjoyed it!  Let me know if you’d like me to recap again next week.  Your call.  It’s like 5am right now and I seriously can’t really tell if this is even funny enough to be put up on the front page of the blog.

Who do you think needs to go and who do you think Emily is connecting well with?  Do you find Jef Less An F to be cute, or too young for her?  Is he too anxious to impress her?  Methinks.  And who do you think is the frontrunner right now?  I wanna hear your feedback in the comments, y’all!

Ok my mouth, it no can speak no more.

You talk, at me now?  Please, yes?

And always remember: peace and love and a rubber glove if you ever find yourself on Bachelor Pad.

xoxo you guys!  - Alison

MAKE IT: DIY Fringed Party Noisemakers in Silver, Mint, White, Pink | By DIY Bloggista Renee!

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Happy Monday afternoon, faces!  I’ve been so excited to show you guys this project our DIY contributor Renee Hong sent along last week for the blogadoosh.  Are you guys loving Renee’s projects as much as I am?  Because no joke, each time she shoots over a new project I’m covered in smile.  It gets, like, ALL OVER my face.  Two-napkin job.   

Anywho, I really think you guys are gonna dig this one!  Do let us know!  It’s all about the perfect party prop for any occasion, met with the perfect color combo, met with easy instructions, met with inexpensive supplies.  That spells quality DIY project ’round these here parts.  I pretty much guarantee you I’ll be rocking these at my own wedding THAT’s how much I love them.  Ok, take it away, Renee…

Hi friends — Renee here, again!

Today I’ll be showing you how to make fringed noisemakers! Don’t worry, they aren’t anything like the tacky ones you’d find at the party supply store — these are shiny, fun, and can be made in pretty colors to fit any occasion. They’re a perfect way to have your guests send you out at the end of your wedding, or can simply be used to add some spark to an engagement party or shower. Ready to see how easy these are to make? Let’s get started!

What you’ll need:

- Colored tissue paper
- White/ivory tissue paper
- Silver mylar (you can use a roll or the sheets)
- Silver tape (optional, transparent tape works almost as well)
- Scissors
- Noisemaker mouthpieces (not pictured — I used these cheapies and just disassembled the “blowout” part)

Step 1:

Cut your paper!
- One 5″x6″ rectangle of colored tissue paper
- One 2″x6″ rectangle of white tissue paper
- Two 2″x6″ rectangles of silver mylar

Step 2:

Use fringe scissors or regular scissors to fringe each of the rectangles, leaving about half an inch at the top of the sheets.

Step 3:

Take one of the silver mylar pieces and secure the un-fringed side to the end of the noisemaker mouthpiece using tape. Wrap the sheet around the noisemaker and secure the end with tape. Repeat with all of the other sheets — first the colored paper, then the white paper, and ending on top with the second mylar sheet.

Step 4 (optional):

Take a two-inch piece of silver tape and wrap it around completely to polish it off!

That’s it! Told you they were easy!

Thanks to Jenna Rae Photography for snapping these fun photos — she does a stunning job, no?

Now you’ve got some quick, pretty party pieces for your next event! What do you think? :)

xo Renee

REAL BOUDOIR | Viceroy Hotel, Palm Springs. + The #1 Piece of Advice (+ 12 Others!) for Girls Considering Boudoir.

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Are you sitting down?

Ok.  I’m going to trust that you’re sitting down– because why would you lie to me, right?  We go so far back.  No BUT SERIOUSLY, I wouldn’t want to start this blog post, and have you all still standing up or something.  It’s just that I’m worried I’d be liable for some of kind of mass-faint reaction.  And then all the firemen in the nation would be tied up investigating this completely baffling national faint I caused, and they wouldn’t be around to put out any actual fires.

Well actually… that’s wrong.

Because this session is en fuego.

Ahh, and that surprise twist I mentioned in the graphic up top?  Oh, just a little thing I call *THIS SESSION WAS SHOT BY HER  PRO PHOTOGRAPHER HUSBAND* that’s all.

Erika’s shoot is actually an anniversary session, you guys, and her husband Mike, of Mike Arick Photography submitted it to me recently.  Isn’t that whole situation the coolest?  It also brings me to a question I have for you ladies out there: I’m curious, do you think you’d be down for a boudoir session some years into your marriage?  Have you considered it?  Do tell in the comments, lovers!

Last thing before we get into the session; here’s a little sumthin sumthin in the form of 13 amazing tips, from the man behind the camera, Mike Arick:

As far as a write-up, my wife, Erika, left that up to me. So here’s some advice I can give for those future brides and grooms or those who are already happily married like ourselves…

Being a photographer it’s no surprise that I’m always trying to take pictures of my wife. It’s also not surprising that it probably gets pretty old with me always aiming it in her direction. I’ve begged her for quite some time to pose for a fun boudoir session and for our three year anniversary she agreed to have some fun with the camera in our swanky digs at the Viceroy Hotel in Palm Springs. Every couple has taken photos of each other but most have never taken the time to plan and go through with a fun, flirty, sexy shoot. Trust me, it’s worth it! Erika had admitted numerous times that in order to do a boudoir shoot she had to feel totally great about herself and the way she looked at the time. She had to be tan, she had to be in shape, skin, hair, everything had to be great and only then would she want to do it. I can understand all of that but in addition to the pictures I also knew I was going to enjoy the memories and the experience of doing the photo shoot together. That’s probably what I was most excited about.

Mike’s #1 Tip if you’re considering doing a shoot:

The number one tip I would give to those women who are considering a boudoir shoot or those couples who want to do one together is… realize that your guy already finds you sexy and attractive. Boudoir photos aren’t designed to prove or remind him of that fact. A boudoir session is really about enjoying the fact that you two are head-over-heels, 100%, absolutely in love with one another. The shared memories and the experience are ultimately more important than the photographs themselves. Trust me though, he’ll LOVE the photos. Erika and I had such a fun time during or shoot! We blasted great music, we played, we flirted, we teased each other and had an amazing time together. I would not trade that experience for anything and the beautiful photographs I now have are just icing on the cake.

Besides all that mushy stuff about our own experience here are some tips and advice I would give to those who are considering a shoot…

2. Choose a location that offers a beautiful setting. Boutique or stylish hotels are awesome. Plus, the bed is already made perfectly!

3. Use the whole room. Chairs, tables, couches, walls, showers, floors, windows, and pretty much anything else you can find in a room can be a great backdrop or prop.

4. White sheets not only look great with any skin tone, they also help reflect light if the room is somewhat dim.

5. Use window light if possible. Using flash can be tough and unflattering unless you really know what you’re doing.

6. If you must shoot in a dark room, try using candles or a single lamp as your light source. Soft light is flattering. (just don’t set the room on fire)

7. Bring multiple outfits. Change is good. Pictures of you changing can be even better.

8. Consider getting your hair or makeup done by someone else beforehand. Not only can it help you feel confident but being pampered can also help put you in the sexy mood.

9. If you’re nervous about smiling for the camera at first – don’t. Look everywhere else but the camera and the pictures will still be great. Pretty soon you’ll find yourself getting more comfortable and the smiles and looks will become natural.

10. Enjoy some champagne before and while you shoot. Just not too much so you don’t actually look drunk.

11. Play some music that gets you pumped up! We just played a great Pandora station on our laptop.

12. Look for inspiration online. Find and save poses and other ideas from boudoir sessions you see online.

13. Relax, have fun, and enjoy every minute!

~ Mike (& Erika) Arick

Thanks for the great advice, Mike!  And now my friendlies… zee shoot.

If I had a shoot tomorrow, I would hope and pray I looked even *a smidgen* as good as Erika looks.  Ahhmazing!

Ok, NOW.  Me have two pressing questions for you guys – I’d love to have a discussion in the comments with y’all…

1) How lovely does Miss Erika look in these shots?!  Like, on a scale of incredible to professional model (yes I’m currently wrapping up my Bachelorette recap so kindly pardon the reference to scale)…

2) My second more serious question is: if you had the choice of doing your shoot with a photographer you’ve never met, or being shot by your significant other (assuming for the moment that your significant other was a skilled boudoir photographer), I am dying to know, which scenario do you think you’d find more comfortable?

No joke, I’m dying to know your answer to question #2 especially.  And I’ll weigh in with you on a personal level where appropriate in the comments. *wink wink* *nudge nudge* *no actually I don’t mean anything sexual by that I’m just being a ridiculous.*

xoxo!  - Alison

Photography: Mike Arick Photography

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