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PERSONAL + DEAR TKB: “My first marriage was a sham… I feel guilty.” PLUS: My Issue with HGTV’s House Hunters.

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This past week has been a toughie.

I could really go for some Dawson’s Creek repeats right now.  I think Katie and Suri would agree with me.  Actually- serious question: wtf is the hold up on the Dawson’s Creek repeats.  Why can I not yet realize my loftiest dream of watching back-to-back episodes of DC whilst Bambino and I inhale veggie chips on top of my covers alone in the dark?

Sorry.  Sorry.  Happy Wednesday, everybody.  Is what I meant to start off with.  Did you enjoy the holiday weekend?  I really hope you chillaxed and didn’t do anything too laborious, but also simultaneously appreciated all of those in America who do laborious things.  (Example: you.)

Now that I have so accurately described Labor Day in such a way that I completely haven’t, I’m going to move on to a new topic.  It’s something a bit personal.  And then after I tell you about that personal something, I’m going to transition – very unimpressively, I might add - into today’s Dear TKB question submitted by one of our readers (that’s you people).   Ready?  You sure- I don’t think you’re ready.  It’s a little ranty.  I full-out rant my face off, is the actual truth.

Ok so, here we go…  

If you’re a regular reader here, you know that Honey and I started house hunting this summer.  

Well.  We found the house we want.  And we bid on it.  And OSTENSIBLY… we *won* it late last week.  As you can imagine… we were crying rainbows.

All the way up until we abruptly stopped doing that.

Turns out that you don’t embark on a house hunting expedition and then get to come back from that expedition relatively unscathed + the owners of a new home.  Seems there is A LOT more to it than that.  Bottomless wells for your tears, for example.  And spontaneous bidding wars on the home you were in. contract. to buy.  And other bull that generally sucks/is terrible.  But anyway so we stopped crying rainbows.  Even Bambino had to stop being psyched about it.  And UHHHH… he was pretty psyched about this house, you guys.

And instead, we became the saddest sads of Sadnessland [pronounced SAD-nuslunnd; not Sadness-Lande].  Sadder than Sadsington McSaddlesworth, the saddest of alllll the McSaddlesworths.  So, we were pretty fucking sad is my point.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I feel fortunate to be able to purchase a home with Honey.  I’m not trying to sound ungrateful for that.  It’s a blessing.  It’s just, no matter how grateful we are to have one another, and to be starting a new stage in our lives, this Purchasing of Your First Home process has turned out to be *a touch* emotionally crippling.  We stepped into the car this past Saturday, buckled ourselves up, received the fateful call from our broker bearing the weird news of the surprise high bidders, got off the call, and then sat there in the car with our heads down for at least an hour before ultimately shutting off the ignition, unbuckling and going back upstairs to our apartment.

We were about to drive to Home Depot to get materials for our new home.  So it was a relatively heavy moment for us.  It also made no sense.

All of the problems we were running into with this “dream home” would make a lot more sense to us if we were acting like a couple a primadonnas aw’sumthin.  Like the couples they have on HGTV’s show House Hunters.  The ones who walk in the door asking if there are granite countertops somewhere on premises.  The ones who make it clear that they wouldn’t be caught dead making food in a kitchen with that paint color on the walls, and how that color is so totally not going to work for them, if they choose to buy the home.  Also, south-facing windows.  No road noise, which will interfere with all the backyard cookouts they’ll never have.  Original hardwood flooring.  Other idiotic nitpicking they’re encouraged to air on camera by the producers.  Marble columns.  Open concept.  Can we knock this wall down?  We’re gonna need to knock this wall down.  Cathedral ceilings.

Dear HGTV: we live in New York.  5-bedroom homes with 4.5 baths and a full acre lot do not go for $275,000.  HGTV, if you could– I’d appreciate you throwing in some Hunters from my area of the country, just to make house hunting in the Northeast generally less heartbreakingly depressing/seemingly hopeless.

Can I just say that it’s not even like we went into this expecting granite countertops and vaulted ceilings?  I don’t even need an updated kitchen– ‘course I’d like an updated kitchen.  But I’m willing to deal.  I don’t even need it.  Just give us the house.  Take all of our money in exchange for a kitchen that hasn’t been updated since the 1960s and boasts the same dishwasher that Honey grew up with in the 1980′s.  Please?!  The furnace is 50+ years old…. we’re not even asking you to replace it.  We’ll buy the new furnace ourselves ($3500-6000), so that we can heat our home without also murdering all of its inhabitants with carbon monoxide, the silent killer.  Which is what your 50+ year old furnace is at risk for doing, currently, when turned on.  The south-side of the house is crawling with carpenter ants; no matter!  Here is all of the money we’ve ever made.  We’ll just consider it a naturally-occurring ant farm!  K’we have the ranch style “fixer-upper” of our dreams now please?  Oh and don’t worry about the mold in the walls, moldy cheeses are among our favorite cheeses!  Forget the swarm of flies we see congregating every time we visit the spot in the back of the house where we’re pretty sure there’s a dead squirrel in the wall, attracting the flies and providing them a place to mate/reproduce.  We love dead carcasses; especially those of squirrels!  PLEASE JUST GIVE US THIS DECAYING STRUCTURE YOU’RE NOT EVEN USING IN EXCHANGE FOR ALL OF OUR YEARS OF HARD WORK EARNING ENOUGH MONEY FOR THIS MOMENT.

Sigh.

Hunting for your new home – the one you hope to be the place where your unborn children grow up – is kind of a drag after the fun part of shopping around is over.  Bidding on a home and waiting for all the bidding shit to hit the fan is a lot like getting hazed in college, except this time it’s by The Universe, and not a homogenous group of boys or girls.  And instead of swallowing raw eggs until you puke and then getting to live in a big house with other like-minded individuals, it’s about getting YOUR OWN house, so the stake’s are way higher.  With house hunting you have to power through highly emotional and actually pretty surreal battles with unknown contenders who have unknown quantities of money – sometimes all of it in cash!!!! – and you have to be willing to put up large sums of money, essentially your life’s savings, all in what can be likened to the highest stakes Ebay auction of your life.  And finally, add to all of that the fact that you’re not a college student, so it’s not just about keeping up your studies while you go through hazing.  No no.  You have to conduct daily business as if you’re not in the throws of a contentious bidding war over your family’s future.  In the words of the most naive couple in the history of House Hunters.. “we’re grown-ups now, and this will be our grown-up house.”

… when you’re in the market for a home, you tend to DVR a lot of HGTV.  But at this point, HGTV – something that so recently was a form of pornography for us when we thought this house was ours – is now more like that really amazing CD you can’t listen to anymore because you used it to get through a difficult break-up.  HGTV brings up cold, painful memories of dreams unfulfilled.

Anyway, we just wait now.  And obsessively watch HGTV because the addiction is simply too powerful. :)  I just heard from Honey that one of the two insanely high bids was indeed a douche bid, meant to stall things.  So we’re just waiting on news of whether the one remaining bid from the other Richie McTonsocash is, indeed, a legitimate bid.  Hopefully we’ll be able to keep these brain aneurysms at bay, while we work to ween ourselves off of the life we were already building there inside of our heads, in imagination land.  Oo I am COMPLAINEY today, aren’t I!  Forgive me, it’s Lady Shark Week and the cramps are without mercy this month.

Aright, SO!  In other almost wholly unrelated news… it’s time to take a question from a reader.  This one made me really sad for all of the oft forgotten brides out there.  The ones who lack a sufficient support system.  I took a crack at advising this reader, but hope you guys will have some good input that might help her better than I can.

Dear TKB,

I just got engaged and am head over heels with my fiance, however, this is my second marriage. The first marriage was a sham and we only did it because I was pregnant. My fiance has never been married before and we are trying to decide what type of wedding to have. I feel like I shouldn’t play it up big because I have done it before, but I want to shout it from the rooftop and share with everyone that I found the man of my dreams. My family wants me to do it small and fast… I’m torn with what to do because I feel guilty.

Dear reader,

The thing that can sometimes be difficult about family is that we want their approval and support when it comes to our life decisions.  Even when they aren’t fit – or willing – to give it to us.

The short version of my advice:  Do.  Whatever.  The f**k.  You want to do.  It’s your money.  It’s your LIFE.

Whoever’s telling you otherwise is a legit bunghole.  We have to work hard in life not to allow people like that to diminish our joys.  I know it’s hard, and takes a lot of emotional focus, but it’s obviously the only way to go through life for the most part feeling happy.  So I hope you’ll stop feeling a little ashamed for being happy and wanting to celebrate your good fortune in love, this go around.  It’s something to be celebrated.

While there are still legal limitations to who can get married, the same does not go for weddings.  The great thing about weddings is that you aren’t ever disqualified from getting to have a wedding, no matter what your family, or somebody else’s family, or a stupid friend, or the girls on the bridal message boards, seem to think.

Weddings aren’t like insurance companies.  Here, let me show you what I mean –

Our insurance company recently sent me a letter instructing me to obtain from my gynecologist, in writing, whether or not the pre-cancerous cells found on my cervix several years ago while I was under a different insurance, could be considered *a pre-existing condition* – and therefore not be covered by them.  Our current insurance.  That’s a long way of telling me, retroactively, that I may not have had their permission to have this followup gyno appointment and have it be covered.  The appointment that I had to have, as advised by my gynecologist, for my own health’s sake, since I had avoided gynecologist offices like the Bubonic plague, for at least a couple of years – TERRIBLE, I KNOW, DON’T BE LIKE ME – since my initial diagnosis/treatment for these pre-cancerous cells.

That’s an example of a case in life in which one can be disqualified from getting to do something, with the reason being that you have done it, once before.  Good news!  The same does not go for weddings.  A previous wedding does not count against you as a preexisting condition, removing society’s approval for the next one.  Quite the contrary.  You don’t even have to be getting married that week/month/year to throw one for yourselves.

You are not damaged goods in the eyes of weddings.  You’re a shining, bright, flash of hope, for every person among us who, too, dreams of one day finding, committing to, and then sharing the deep, almost surreal pleasure of finally living the reality of that ever elusive thing we call “real love.”

Specifically Regarding Your Family’s Reaction:

For whatever reason, your family isn’t acknowledging/placing value on your joy, and what is your very basic human desire to be celebrated and to have a celebration.  Not that they’re being this way on purpose; one cannot know without more information.  Since I do not know you and you did not fill me on your family dynamic, I do not know what your relationship is like with your family and I cannot really personalize my answer to your situation.  So what I can do here is speak to what is commonly the case in these situations, and then hope that this speaks to you/helps in some way…

1. one possibility is that they are looking out for your financial wellbeing, AND/OR do not want you to rush into anything too quickly (how long have you been together as a couple?).

2. another possibility is that they are very busy with their own lives right now, and truthfully cannot see how much you actually want to have a wedding and to be celebrated by your loved ones.

3. still another possibility is that they are not very *pleased* with their own lives lately, and they’re just real Debbie Downers about it when other people have something to celebrate.  Gotta include that one even though it’s a bummer, because it’s a reality for a lot of people.  There are even some in this world who have an unfortunate habit of trying to downplay, or ruin, another’s happiness — if they themselves aren’t feeling contented in life.  Yeah, some people SUCK.  C’est la vie.  Can’t change them, unfortunately.  So bless your heart if you’re dealing with that.

That last one is definitely on the extreme end of the spectrum, but like I said- it happens in families more often than we’d like to believe.  The fact is it’s hard for people to admit – even to friends sometimes – the real truth of our lives.  It’s much easier to lament about the less horrific stuff, because there is a real health benefit to just venting among friends.  But venting rarely solves the problem.  It only cleans up a little space in your head, where there was once only anger.  But the real key to solving deep familial problems is talking about them, raw and out loud.  Willingly revealing things about yourself that make you feel vulnerable/unsafe, even without the concrete knowledge that the person you’re telling won’t judge you for your problems.

There are no guarantees in life.  I can’t guarantee that telling your family how you feel is going to result in some sort of tiny family version of Coca-Cola’s Hands Across America campaign.  It could go really well, and your family might be given an opportunity to get to know another side of you; the side that readily speaks up about what you need from them.  Or they could threaten to stop talking to you.  Truly, anything can happen with families.  They are a weird animal.

The only thing that I CAN guarantee you is that you’ll feel better once you’ve spoken up about your truth instead of keeping your mouth shut and letting other people make decisions for you.

Hope that helped, instead of made you depressed.  I’m hoping the readers will have some more useful advice… especially if I’ve completely missed the mark here.

So here’s what I’m curious about:

1. Have any of you experienced house hunting?  Was it a mostly fun time for you?  Or did you, like me, get all anxious at times and find yourself getting migraines and throwing up in the morning.  Because I was literally regurgitating my cranberry juice this morning, you guys.  Not ladylike.  More like this:

2. Any thoughts you’d be willing to share, regarding today’s reader-submitted question?  I’m sure she’d be welcoming of some simple words of encouragement, if advice is not your thing.

Quick final note: If you want something in life – say, a wedding, for example - and you’re faced with some serious haters, tell your haters to suck iiiiiiiit.  And when you say it, do the “suck it” gesture– it’s the thing where your hands go  to joining together at the pelvis, forming a V-shape to frame your genitalia, proving your sincerity.

you know; if *talking it out* first doesn’t work, I mean.  We should of course always first try that weird, foreign thing called “being honest with the people we love.”  Yikes!  So scary.

xoxo  - Alison

{image: sneak peek from upcoming feature by The Gemmers}


WIN: One Stellar Wedding Photography Package, from Ivan Apfel Photography {Contests, Giveaways & LOL Cats}

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I’m gearing up to publish some pretty personal posts here on the blog.  Because why not, right?  Omg, that’s probably the worst reason to do it.

Anyway the awkward thing about personal posts is that they can get a little emotiontacular, whether or not it’s my intention (usually my intention).  Mostly because everybody’s a lot more similar than we are different, and so ya’always run the chance of deeply identifying with me and all of my s**t that I go through.  And that s**t can be heavy.  I’m gonna stop calling it my s**t.

So I’ve been trying to think of what would be the best way to pregame those posts for you.  And I came up with this: telling you about the super amazing contest/giveaway Ivan Apfel is holding!  Because DUH.  Of course that’s a good idea.  I keep trying to tell you; this wedding blogging thing?  It ain’t rocket science.  And I don’t care what you might have believed, skin-grafting and cadaver dissections make up only a small part of what goes on here, in the wedding blogging world.  50 hours max, of dissecting human cadavers.  It almost NEVER happens!!  Where was I.  Oh right…

When I think about Ivan Apfel‘s work, I get excited.  I just love a photographer who has what you gotta believe is the winning combination in this field: amazing at/in love with what he does for a living, AND just generally a cool dude.  Like, if you’re the one who wins his contest, and you guys are meeting for the first time and you go to shake his hand, it will resemble a scene like this:

So gentle.  Even if you generally act like this:

Though I definitely don’t condone/think you should be acting like that.  I’m just saying he is a classy guy.  And that kind of thing really makes a difference when it comes to the way you experience your wedding day.  So that’s why, when he let me know he was running a new contest, I started throwing up rainbows again.

AH, I know.  I really need to get this checked, but the leading specialist in gastrorainbowology here in nyc is booked through December.  I’ll let you know how it goes.  Just- expect more rainbow outta my face, until then.

So anyway… wanna win a contest?  If so, then today’s a good day for you, cuz this one’s happening.  For more details and to enter, go visit the contest page of Ivan’s site!  And best of luck, lovelies!  I just know you’ll be so happy if you win. :)

xoxo  - Alison

P.S. – sorry for the WEIRDEST POST EVER WRITTEN.  I think I need to do yoga or something.

Ivan Apfel Photography is a member of Vendor Love.  Explore more of his work here, in TKB’s vendor guide.

credits: images in envelope at top: Ivan Apfel Photography / cat lolz: icanhascheezburger.com

DIY + PERSONAL | Metallic Tassel Party Envelopes By Renee, My Life In Instagram Pics, My New Favorite Jacket, + a Note On Bleeding Every Month.

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Addendum: 

We have a gas leak in the area.  Con Ed has been jackhammering day and night, literally 24 hours a day.  The smell is so strong we’ve had to keep our windows shut since last night, and there is visible gas all over the street.  The paramedic who parks his ambulance under our window every day is currently enjoying a cigarette a few yards from the drill site.  

So if you don’t hear from me, you’ll know what happened. UPDATE: We iz alive! :)

Resume regularly scheduled talking:

Happy Friday, faces!

The other day I told Honey it was time for me to write a really straightforward, grossly honest post here on the blog, listing out every single mother effing thing that makes Shark Week (<–menstruation, if you’re new here) kind of a drag.

He said, “Ok, cool.  Just let me know the publish date so that I can be sure to AVOID IT LIKE THE PLAGUE.”

It isn’t today, Honey.  Full post is scheduled for next week.  Everyone else…. girrrrd yourrrr loiiinnnnnns.  Oo and if you have any of your own that you’d like me to include in the list, feel free to share them below.  And indicate if you want it to be anonymous, be offering it anonymously. :)

But anyway, back to today.

Before I get to the good stuff from our resident DIY blogger and party-improver-extraordinaire Renee Hong, I thought it’d be fun to share some ‘best moments’ from the mini-trip Honey and I embarked upon this week (even though I worked most of it because I CANNOT HELP MYSELF).  Plus I wanna share the best moment of all… which involves me meeting a loooong sought after piece of apparel and actually being able to afford it!  And you know I’m not one to shop a lot, so this was a HUGE purchase.  HUGE in terms of satisfaction, and NOT HUGE in terms of price.  WINNING!  (<– too soon?)

We visited a cool kitchen store for some design ideas, since we’re home hunting and all.  We also hung out with these ducks, during which time we realized we would like to adopt some ducks, because they are awesome.  Are you allowed to adopt ducks?

I really don’t mean to be superficial or anything, but I’ve been searching for a nicely fitting leather motorcycle jacket AT AN AFFORDABLE PRICE for what feels like my entire life up to this point.  And finally I found it!  I’m not *in love* with the little zipper accents on the shoulders, but small potatoes compared to the rest of it.

I don’t know if anyone else is still looking for something similar, but if any of you want me to share all the specifics just lemme know below and as soon as I’m near my closet today I’ll be sure to let you know.

Also LOBSTER:

You guys.  YOU GUYS.  It was delicious.  I’m assuming they get it to glisten like that by adding oil to the water?  That’s happening from now on in our family.  In fact I might dip myself in oil before leaving the apartment from now on, since I was pretty attracted to that lobster when it came out.  It was the sexiest lobster I ever chowed down on.

Oh by the way, I show you a lot of pictures of Bambino on here, but I never show you the occasional attempts Honey makes at shielding his identity.  He just wants to protect his baby- I understand this.  Anyway, here’s me exploiting both of them for your enjoyment!

Okie dokie ENOUGH.  On to the DIY awesomeness part of this post.  Take it away, Renee….

 

Hi there readers!

Today I’ll be showing you a quick project to add a little pop to any plain old envelope.  It’ll transform your drab and generic card into its own little party!  This makes a great way to dress-up one of those last-minute thank you or birthday envelopes (don’t those always turn out to be last minute things?)… you’ll be finished making it in less than 10 minutes!

What you’ll need:
- Plain kraft envelope
- Metallic shreds (you can buy these at the craft store or make them yourself)
- Colored tissue paper shreds (I just cut strips on a rotary cutter)
- Gold string/ribbon
- Metallic/colored tape
- Glue

Step 1:
Take 7-10 shreds of tissue, line them up, fold in half and twist.  Use a metallic shred to tie a double-knot around the twist to secure and make a mini tassel.

Step 2:
Snip the ends of the tie (as well as the ends of your newly-made tassel, as needed) and repeat with various colors!

Step 3:
Set your tassels aside for now! Cut a short piece of ribbon or string and tape it to the back of your envelope somewhere near the top center.  Fold the end of the the string onto the other side and tape it down under the envelope flap.

Step 4:
Attach your tassels! You could tie the string around them, but I prefer to just glue them on. It’s far less of a hassle… tassel hassle.

That’s it — you can even add extra surprise by cutting up some confetti with your leftover tissue to put inside the envelope!

I’ve been thinking of making a bunch of these ahead of time to give out at those extra-last minute events!  What do you think?  Would you be excited to receive one of these colorful cards?!

xo Renee / photos by Renee

Not Gonna Talk About Kate Middleton’s Boobies. PLUS: TKB News, a Pink + Red + White Wedding by Nessa K, The Best ‘Advice’ Song Ever, and life these days.

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I know I wrote a lot of words today.  I just feel like I have to say it all.

The way that I’m gonna start this off is by first telling you the way that I am not gonna start it off.  Which is: talking about Kate Middleton’s boobies.  You really think I’m gonna throw that kinda thing in your face on a MONDAY AFTERNOON?  Please- I am not that crass.  I do not hurl nakedness at you on just any day of the week.  I hurl sex stuff at you only on Tuesday through Friday and sometimes Saturday.  Which means I’m waiting until tomorrow to talk about Kate Middleton’s chest being photographed/published/seen by the world entirely without her permission.

Hey.  I bet you think I’m angry- I’m not!  I get why you would, but seriously I promise, not angry.  In fact I’m ~100% sure you’ll be SHOCKED by my feelings on the matter.

So.  What the F Word am I trying to say TODAY, you may be impatiently wondering.

Well it’s this: I know people tend to hate it (me included) when a blogger apologizes on their own blog.  Like when they say stuff like: “I’m sorry I’ve been a bit less talkative lately; it’s not that I mean to, I don’t mean to neglect my beloved friendlies, it’s that I just can’t believe how much effing stuff there is to do these days, but I promise I’m working on getting everything more organized/squared away/other bullshit! promise!”

Well… that’s essentially me right now, that quote, being said to you.  In fact it came it right out my mouth, so bing bang boom, I’m the blogger apologizer of the week.  I’m feeling kinda guilty and I want to explain it to you, because I’m really good at feeling guilty and also feeling like I should explain myself (<== probably a bad quality)

1. We never anticipated how much life would go into house hunting.  The SHEER TIME it takes, and the way it makes you Jedi Mind Focus on the hunting of the houses.  It’s like all we ever think about/discuss with one another.  We have each spoken the phrases “crumbling foundation” and “septic system standards” more times in the last three weeks than we have in our entire lives, combined.  For example, I originally wanted to do two posts today.  But then surprise house stuff hit this weekend and we’ve been occupied by that that-ness through to this afternoon.  We need to take a break from house hunting.

2. It has become f**king ridiculous how much I have allowed myself to have on my plate running this blog.  I say “how much I have allowed” because I know myself to be a terrible delegator and so I habitually force myself to believe that I can handle every part of the growth that comes with running your own business, no matter how much gets piled on and no matter how much new stuff there is to do.  Would you believe- I have actually doubted in recent times whether or not I have room for birthing/raising children, and if I should even have them, due to the ever-increasing workload I insist on managing mostly by myself.  That is crazy talk – I can’t let my unwillingness to delegate tasks determine whether I have kids!  I’m glad that I’m realizing it now and that I’m going to do something about it, but I should have done this “Something” more than a year ago.  I’ve found that I cannot work round the clock; it impacts my creativity and physical energy.  ANYWHO I won’t bore you with the details of how many emails I get in a day; it is simply that it is officially too many now.  Officially.  It’s really kind of infuriating- feeling like you know you’re uncomfortable delegating tasks in your life, while simultaneously knowing that you no longer can single-handedly, umm, handle (for lack of a better word) 100% of your own business’s workload.  Ay caramba, I’m boring you.  I definitely am.

Ok, just–please don’t get me wrong.  Despite my complaints, I am thrilled that my dilemma is due to my business growing.  This is my dream for it, so to see it grow is my obvious goal.  The problem is that my heart beats out of my chest every single night when I try to go to bed, because I can’t shut off my brain.  I stay up thinking and worrying about whether I’ve handled everything I needed to, and how behind I am on the millions of post-it notes that decorate this room like some sort of Crafty Infants edition of TLC’s Trading Spaces.  I constantly worry if I’ve answered enough emails.  I actually stay up later than Honey to respond to emails quite more often than I wish to.  I get so concerned that it affects my writing.  I also know I’m missing opportunities.  And I hate that.

So I’m doing something about it.  Finally.  Look for the official announcement on the blog later this week.

Nessa of Nessa K Photography is not only really awesome, like as a person in the world, but she submits effing lovely and poignant weddings to me and I dig that.  For example: click here to see one of the most popular posts here on the blog, which featured some shots from another wedding she submitted way back, because it just sorta worked perfectly with the message I was trying to express to the world that day.  But anyway, a week or so ago she did something else  – something even more delightful than the other stuff.  She tweeted a video.

But not just any video – a video I really, really dig like so much, and hadn’t experienced in a decade.  You may remember it if you’re as old as I am.  Which is *COUGH COUGH* years old.  I decided to include it in this post today, because I just loved watching and listening to it again and I’m going to make a point of listening to regularly so as not to forget any of the advice.

There’s a lot of miscrediting that goes around re: who wrote the words recited in the song, so I just wanted to spell out all the proper info, if anyone’s ever wondered: Australian film director Baz Luhrmann had voice actor Lee Perry recite words from “Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young,” a Chicago Tribune essay written by Mary Schmich, in ’97.

Note: Nessa tweeted the normal/original version but personally I’m partial to the version below, because it features one of my favorite songs from the Romeo + Juliet movie soundtrack, “Everybody’s Free (To Feel Good).”  This was of course back when movies were kind of inventive and cool and actually had cool messages.  Also Leonardo DiCaprio was in it.  Also I had a huge (borderline obsessive) crush on Leonardo DiCaprio.  Also- anyone have the exact coordinates of his current home address and most-frequented vacation spots/where he does his laundry?

Yeah so anyway the song (the actual song in the background, not the talking advice part) is sung by Quindon Tarver.  Kid has one of the most angelic voices I have ever heard in all my years of listening to music.  Oh wow ok I just checked and he is 30 now.  WOW.

S**t am I that old?  F**k.

Of course, I realize that it’s safe to assume most of you are currently (taking a mini break from) working, but can’t exactly take a moment to enjoy a music video out loud on company time.  I remember those days.  Wouldn’t it be great if employers understood the benefit of listening to/watching music videos?  I think I’d get 10x the stuff I got done on a daily basis working in a cubicle if I couldn’t rocked to some tunes every once in a while throughout the day.  But enough about me– below are the lyrics if you’re interested in seeing them written out, and don’t have time for the vid.  (Feel free to copy and paste elsewhere if you want to share the message – no need to credit me, just be sure to credit the Baz Luhrmann and Mary Schmich.)

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
Oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
You’re not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…
what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Son’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.
Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths–
prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but– be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

Take it away, Nessa K!  I like rhyming.

On a final note:  The bride, Lucy, had been concerned that this gorgeous pink flower in her hair…

… might actually be a bit too non-traditional for her Big Day.

So she and Nessa figured out a fun way for have her cake and eat it, too.

……. wanna know what she decided to do?  Just check out what Nessa had to share on the lovely couple, below:

“You can tell that Lucy and Dorian are made for each other from the moment you meet them.  The way they smile at each otehr and how sweet they are with each other when they think you’re not looking just melts your heart.  Their wedding day was one filled with one heck of a lot of love… and a lot of travel, as a lot of their guests had flown from all around the world to be their for their big day.  It’s a testament to how lovely these two are that so many people flew from half way around the world to share this special day with them.  Their day was one filled with gorgeous light, some tears, more laughs and lot of crazy dancing.

A bit on the details: I loved her pink details with butterflies and I know she has a love for fields and wide open places.  I knew their wedding photos were important to them because they opted for a pre-wedding session as bride and groom instead of an engagement session.  She loves pink and also wanted to wear the pink flower, but thought it would be overwhelmingly non-traditional on her wedding day, so she wore it for our session together instead :)

Thank you to Lucy and Dorian for having me be a part of their gorgeous wedding day!”

Love it, Nessa.  And Lucy, I must tell you, you look freaking gorgeous.  Both ways!!  P.S. – LOVING your taste in wedding dresses…

Now for discussion time:

What do you think of that Baz Luhrmann video?  What would you say are the best bits of advice?  Also, what is some of the best advice you’ve gotten in life?  I’d really love to hear.

Also, how lovely is this wedding?  I dig it hardcore.

xoxo  - Alison

Stay tuned this week for that announcement.  And obviously I promise it won’t be some self-aggrandizing bullshit about how much of an honor it would be to work for haha did I say “for?”  I totally meant “work with.”  We will work together, under my total leadership WHAT?  Nothing.

Photographer: Nessa K Photography / Caterer: Primizie Catering / DJ: Greenbelt DJ Productions / Reception Venue: Villa Antonia / Cake Designer: Coco Paloma / Floral Designer: Posey Floral and Event Design / Makeup Artist: Lemay Studio / Submitted via Two Bright Lights

GIRL TALK + WINNERS | Appy Couple Custom Designs + Princess Kate’s Royal TenenBoobs and Me: My (Embarrassing) Personal Story.

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Happy late evening, bubbuhbears!  I just called you guys what we call Bambino, AWWWWWW.  I think that means I love you.

Quick update on house hunting: we’re taking a respite from house hunting.  Bout a week or so, cool our jets.  Personally I don’t think I can engage in one more professional, non-childish discussion with a realtor about septic systems, low flow toilets and tampon thickness without laughing through it from beginning to end.  So, house hunting?  Back-burnered for a bit.  As I was writing that Honey just sent me 10 new houses to look at and provide feedback for… so… it’s not over, and I’m lying?  I have NFI.

LISTEN UP ladies and fiances of ladies, I know why most of you are here today (other than for pictures of Bambino) and I know it’s not to listen to me complain about not being about to flush my used tampons down the toilet.  It’s either because A) you’d like to see what cool knotty reader-inspired app designs resulted from that amazeballs custom design giveaway we did with the brilliant wedding-app-designing minds of Appy Couple, OR it’s because B) you’re mildly interested in reading my take on the tale of Princess Middleton’s tatas.  So, without further adieu… BOTH OF THE THINGS:

I’ve got the list of winners as well as their chosen designs, below!  (FYI: They’re not yet available on the Appy Couple site but will go live quite soon.)  So chickitty check it out below; these designs were super seriously created off of YOUR submitted inspiration, and these are the ones chosen by the four of you guys whose inspiration won out big time!  Biiiiig tyyyyyyyme.  I’m a proud mama right now, because there were only supposed to be three winners.  But apparently you guys were so inspiring, they chose four.  Good job, you guys.  WAY TO BE.  WAY TO MAKE MAMABEAR PROUD.  Oh you did it for your own personal satisfaction and not to make me feel like raising you for the last 18 years of my life at the cost of my personal freedom and nest egg was finally worth it?  Oh?  Oh.  Ok fair enough.

1. Katie Gennaro ~ She named her design Lovebirds:

2. Allison Youngblood ~ Her design is called Forest Dream:

3. Shelly Huang ~ Her design is called Rustic City Love:

4. Laura Lloyd ~ She named her app Caputo Florals:

As my Mom has learned to say, recently: NIIIICE.  Nice job, ladies, srsly.  Love them.  (Are you feelin any favorites, you guys?  I’m partial to most of them – four, to be exact.)

First things first: she’s called a princess, right?  Or is it Duchess.  I always forget what to call her.  I’ve ruled out Boobs McGee and The Middleton Without The $12,000 Ass (see: here, first paragraph) so it’s down to those other two; please do lemme know, anyone who knows – thanks!

Now.  I have to get it out of the way and tell you I won’t be publishing the images, however unless you’re Bambino, you’ve probably already seen the naked photos.

Why I’m not including the nakeys: For one thing I’d probably get sued by the Royal Family – this is something I imagine would be a royal pain in the ass and I’d rather just leave that job to the painful bowel movements of life.  Believe me they do the job well enough.  But the real reason I won’t publish?  My hesitation lies mainly in the fact that, like a normal person, I am kind of incapable of being so base.  I say “kind of” because I want to leave room for being much more base in the future, should I choose one day to dispose of my moral compass in exchange for money like so many once-legitimate writers before me.  But I digress.  If you haven’t already seen the photos and you reaaaally wanna see the photos, wtf is wrong with you, but also- just go to the internet and visit any website, anywhere.  Because they are omnipresent.  It’s almost like you’re cooler if you *haven’t* seen them, that’s how many eyes have seen them thanks to all major news outlets covering this and not poverty in America.  (<== self-righteousness win)

So yeah, it’s officially official.  I, along with the rest of the world and also my dog, we have all seen that which is Kate Middleton’s boobs.  And hey, guess what?  They look exactly like I expected they would: like boobs.

It’s not like this is new to us; it’s my understanding (ok, I’ve seen them) that there are already myriad Kate Middleton upskirt-sexual-violation-shots (street name: Panty Flashers - as if flashing was ever the intent of the women captured in those types of paparazzi pictures), and they are totally available for your viewing pleasure on the internet.  This sexual violation stuff is old hat.  We’ve even pretty much seen sister Pippa’s tushie, if you take away the thin layer of material that separated her tushie from THE PRYING EYES OF THE WORLD, or, everyone who innocently tuned in that day to witness a Royal wedding take place and saw PippaAss.  And so now we’ve seen Kate’s whole enchilada.  The boobie burrito, if you will.  The Lake Titicaca, as it were.  The pigmented ring of skin surrounding her nipples.  And her nipps.  And all of the boobs she has- two to be exact.

And people are pissed.  Pissed, not outraged; outraged is what we were when the first naked pics of celebrities started buoying to the surface of the internet.  OMG people were so pissed then.  But then it became the norm.  As we all know, many modern celebrity careers are now [maddeningly] built upon the release of a sex tape or a nude photo.  Yuck and congrats.  Enjoy the cocaine dependency and lifelong debilitating self-criticism.

But this is the Royal Family of that place where it rains mostly.  And that fact has not been lost on them; you bet your naked tits it hasn’t.  They’re suing the pants off the offending French magazine Closer (the magazine that was approached only AFTER the British Closer turned down the pics LIKE A BOSS).

So… everything that’s happened; it’s terrible right?  Not in my opinion.

In fact I’m not so upset that it happened.  I’ve got to say, I’m happy girls the world over saw Kate’s chest.  Stay with me on this–lemme explain:

I’m not glad that there are people who make it their life’s work to track down young women in compromising and/or vulnerable positions and then rake in the Benjamins with stolen images of their naked bodies.  That, I vehemently hate.

So let me explain where I’m coming from on this:

I have natural boobs.  And by that I mean, I have the kinds of boobs that you see in 70′s pornos.  Teardrop-shaped, typical boobs.  Average size, like my Mom’s boobs.  (HI MOM!)  I was always happy with my boobs, my whole life!  UNTIL IT HAPPENED.

One day I noticed a girl on a billboard who was half-naked.  I know that’s all billboards, sorry — the point is she was wearing a very transparent shirt, NO BRA and, in what seemed a feat of magic….... her boobs had a curved visible line ON THE TOP OF THE BOOBS, not just on the bottom of the boobs.  WHAT?  It made no sense, my boobs were nothing like this.  My teenaged jaw dropped, I felt defeated.  I didn’t understand how she could have cleavage 360 degrees around her boobs.  They were orbs, floating on her chest, and they were magical.  Magical floating boob orbs.  I WANTED THEM, AND NOW.

Fast-forward to realizing implants exist, and me trying really hard to continue liking my own boobs, the ones I received genetically.  Hopeless.  They were hardly orb-like; much more pointy, almost triangular like I had two small flesh pyramids coming out of my chest.  I didn’t realize this was *normal* because there was a New Normal, and it wasn’t the one where gay people are adopting babies on primetime television.  It was Implant Culture, and I was in the thick of it.

I asked for a boob job my senior year of high school.  I was serious, and it was completely out of character.  My parents were SHOCKED.  Absolutely SHOCKED.  It was like WTF happened to Alison?!!  If you know my parents, you know the answer to my request was an emphatic NO FUCKING WAY IN HELL.  And while I was disappointed – I wanted them more than I wanted anything in my whole life up until this point – I gave up on the hope of purchasing Boob Power, and decided to trust my parents on this one.  They tended to have good advice, like that time they told me that all those kids who talk behind your back are just unhappy and want to redirect their unhappiness onto you.  (They nailed that one; though I realized this much later of course.)  So here’s what my folks told me about my boobs: they said they “would grow in later, like your sister’s boobs.  She was wasn’t a C-cup until she turned 30, Alison!”  Lies.  All lies.  I knew it wasn’t true; Jenny was sporting knockers out the womb.  It felt hopeless, but I chose to believe them; what the hell else was I going to do?  Think I’d never have boobs?  It wasn’t an option, being a young woman.  I felt my only chance at finding a guy who would love me was if I had jiggling tits.  I mean that IS what every magazine advertisement/magazine spread/tv commercial/tv show/my peers/my internal voice were all telling me…

What worries me is that, even though most of us understand that tits aren’t meant to look like skin-enveloped magic 8 balls, it doesn’t mean everyone who NEEDS to know this, KNOWS THIS.   In fact I’m pretty sure young boys are growing up thinking natural tatas are perfectly rounded and high up and that that’s normal for a woman’s body.  Because like I said, it’s all over every advertisement, tv show and magazine.  How can young boys NOT be thinking this is normal, I ask you?

I, Alison, have my own shame when it comes to how my tits are perceived by others, and like most women, I am constantly a work in progress.  But what I’m more concerned about is what this bodes for future generations.  Ones that were born into our Implant Culture.  Not that there’s anything wrong with having implants, I’m not saying that.  But you get what I’m saying.  Normalizing fake bodily features and placing them on a pedestal above what is naturally-occurring… I dunno… but I do know it’s gotta be a dangerous path to go down.

I’m not a teenager anymore, and my boobs did eventually grow in.  I’m currently anywhere from a large A to a small C, depending on what day of the week it is, and whether or not I’ve recently tripped and fell on my face/boobs, swelling up my boobs to unrecognizable proportions.  (I swear this is by accident.)  My boobs are constantly in flux; something I didn’t know was normal for boobs to be, until very recently, because we simply are not taught this in school or tv or in magazines.  For example: catch me at the beginning of my menstrual cycle and they’re larger than the ocean blue… and they swell just as much.  At this time they’re also The Most Tender, which is pretty painful… plus I’m bleeding out for 5 days straight, so really what’s the use in having big’uns if you can’t really enjoy them AMIRITE LADIES.

So when I saw Kate’s boobs, I actually breathed a sigh of relief.  I think I became a tad bit happier that day, being a woman trying to make it in this modern-day over-sexualized and over-surgically-manipulated world.  Her tits did that for me.  They made me feel a little bit more normal.

  1. Like mine, Kate Middleton’s breasts are sort of tear-drop-shaped.
  2. Like mine, they take on a different appearance, depending on her position; lying down, standing up, bending over.
  3. Like mine, when the princess is lying down like Kate Winslet did in Titanic, I bet her breasts lose their volume and droop, or almost disappear/flatten, making it look like she has no boob to speak of.  (One my least favorite things about having real boobs.  But I sit here, comforted by the fact that she and I probably have this in common.)
  4. Like mine, Kate Middleton’s breasts aren’t perfect.  Well hers are damn near CLOSE to perfect… but still, they’re unique to her, which is the coolest thing about boobs – no pair are alike.  No TWO are alike, either, even on the same chest.

Let’s start celebrating things like that.  Let’s start celebrating what we’ve got.  I’m gonna try my best from now on.

And thank you, Kate Middleton; you’ve unwittingly provided a way for me to love myself as I am just a little bit more.

Ok now… I’d love for us all to talk about this.  Whether or not you have implants is not what matters here – I have friends in both parties, and love and respect them equally.  My question is: Would you say the increasing prevalence of breast implants in modern culture has at any point impacted the way you see your own breasts?  Does anyone know what I mean, when I speak of feeling a tinge of what I’ll call “breast-inadequacy?”  (omg PLEASE don’t let me be alone in this.  If I ever wanted to know other people feel the way I do it is this time, today.  The day on which I told the internet exactly what my breasts look like.  I’m starting to regret this so I’m going to press Publish right now.)

-Alison

P.S. – Thanks to everyone who offered up suggestions for what to call her bosooms in the title of this post.  I literally came up with the royal tenenbaums thing the moment I tweeted that tweet for suggestions, so my apologies for failing to employ what were some delightfully delicious boob nicknames.  I’ve been retweeting them though, so I hope that’s good enough!  Also THANKS FOR BEING THE COOLEST READERS AND ACTUALLY OFFERING ME BOOB NICKNAMES AT MY REQUEST.  I don’t think I could ask for anything more than people who are willing to suggest boob nicknames to me on their public twitters.  That’s real friendship.  Hopefully one day I will somehow be able to repay you in kind.

P.P.S. – You might interested in other bulls**t I’ve said about important British people, like here and here.  Also, here.  Also also- here.

The Knotty Bride is Hiring, Bitchez! Also: My Top 10 Favorite Baby Animal Boops, Because Why Not.

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I’m not literally *hiring bitches*, I’m… whatevs, you understand.  ANYWHO, SO…

I’m trying to cut back on my use of exclamation points (current use level: through the roof).  Let’s see how far I can make it.

Happy afternoon/evening, friendlies! DAMNIT.  Anyway you may have noticed that I’ve not been your typical Alison lately.  Meaning, I haven’t been tweeting sunrise to sunset and my blogging pace has gone from a deliberate gallop, to that thing at track meets where you walk really fast and then somehow medal, despite having just walked in a race.  What is that called- ‘fastwalking?’  Racewalking?*  Who cares- the good news is I finally get to explain to you what is really going on.

{*please, no racewalking letters.}

See that lower left image up there, with the beams – it is a kitchen.  More specifically it is our kitchen.  The kitchen in our house.  The house that we picked.  <== overly dramatic win, except that I’m not using exclamation points so instead I seem rather unexcited.  Precisely why we need to start reeling in the exclamation points.  Anyway, now that Honey and I know where our little family will be located pretty permanently, I finally get to announce this freaking job listing I’ve been hinting at.  HIGH KICKS!

This has been a long time coming, and my braintrust – comprised of Honey, immediate family, a few of my dearest friends and colleagues, my increasingly elusive sanity and of course Bambino – have all been clamoring for a new knotty employee to join the ranks, but HEY… we all have to arrive at these things when we’re ready.

So, OMGIAMSOFUCKINGREADYNOW.

Why: I tried to figure out the best way to write this without sounding like Miss Humble Brag Ultimate Supreme 2012 but f**k it, I don’t know how else to say all of this so I’m just going to say it all, and then not give two shits about whether or not someone finds it boastful.  Here goes!

I have a “situation.”  My “situation” is that TKB gets approximately a whole lot of advertising inquiries.  They come in every day, and there are handfuls of them, and I am grateful to whatever powers that be for all of it, trust me.  However it has come to a point where I CANNOT KEEP UP for the life of me and it makes me go crazy.  Which then makes me feel like a failure because I’m physically incapable of answering every ad inquiry, every reader email, and every question I’m asked on Twitter, and still being able to blog with the frequency and personal fulfillment I crave.  Juggling the blogging side and the increasing workload of the business side has slowly eaten away at my once childlike creative spirit, turning me into more of an angst-riddled worrywart.  I almost don’t recognize myself.

So clearly what I’m saying is, TKB needs more hands on deck.  Preferably two hands, however three- and one-handed individuals will not be discriminated against – REPEAT – TKB is an equal opportunity employer, no matter the hand-to-body ratio you bring to the table.  Two is merely a ballpark number of hands.

Although preferably, I would like you to be able to start a slow clap with Bambino every time I walk through the door.

What: Online Ad Sales Position.  Applicant will work from home a majority of the time, with fairly regular meetups in person.  Therefore, ideal candidate is based in the New York metropolitan area.

Endgame: to make it possible for me to refocus my energy on bringing you whatever it is I bring you here at TKB, without personally having to go batshit crazy in the process.  Because hooray!  TKB is that big now.  But sadface!  I can no longer keep up with the pace of my own business.  (Admitting you need help is the first step, right?)

Requirements:

In addition to being a responsible, organized, driven human being with a strong work ethic and desire to succeed, the ideal candidate will bring the following to the table:

  • Access to computer, phone (because doy)
  • Great personality if you do say so yourself
  • Online ad sales experience of at least one year (this is a must)
  • Total ease conducting business over the phone and via email; quick to respond
  • Strong familiarity with the online/blog world (ideally wedding blogs and other online wedding content), and ad networks
  • Ease communicating with all types of companies, big or small (our advertisers range from small online shops to major retailers)
  • Comfortable creating personalized ad packages to suit needs of advertisers buying multiple forms of advertising
  • Driven to research and pursue new advertisers, as well as determine the smartest collaboration opportunities for TKB (this involves weeding through emails)
  • Willingness to get a tattoo of Bambino McPuppypants, to scale (optional; preferred; just kidding)

To apply, include the following in your email:

  1. Resume
  2. Tell me about yourself / how your experience makes you the right candidate for this position
  3. Be sure to brag about relevant contacts/connections
  4. Bonus but not required: One idea you have for our business (will not be required to implement; just a chance to show your business-minded creativity)

Send email with attached resume to theknottybride {at} gmail.com (subject: AD SALES POSITION).  Position is commission based.

Can’t wait to hear from you!

xoxo  - Alison

P.S. – I had fun with fake bokeh effects using the Lumiè app on my iphone to create the images in this post.  You can download it from the App Store.  I know it’s amateurish but it is seriously so much fun to play around with I can’t stop.  (FYI, I edited some of the images in Instagram first!)

P.P.S. – Of a board comprised of me, Honey and our frenchie Bambino, we voted 2-1 that we would NOT give priority to applicants with frienchies.  Would NOT.

P.P.P.S. - On a final serious note: this position requires you to be extremely organized and self-motivated, as you will be working from home for the most part.  I cannot stress the naturally-organized-human-being thing enough.

P.P.P.P.S. – You should definitely make a point of checking out these Boops, below.  I was having a REALLY bad day earlier this week and Honey used them to cheer me up.  It worked in seconds.  Click here to go to Buzzfeed for allada Boops.

^ oh my goodness! ^

DEAR TKB: “So, I’m a little scared of marriage right now…” + A BRIDE & HER CAKE | Kristi Wright Photography

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These question and answer posts are steadily becoming my favorite types of posts.  You guys submit some really intense (AND CHALLENGING FOR ME) questions.  Crossing my fingers every time I answer one of these things, since you just really never know.   

Forgot to say happy afternoon – happy afternoon!  Good to see ya.  One to two sentence house update: the radon test came back at 2.5 (anything over 4 is cause for action according to the gov’t) sooo, we’re a little punched up.  Radon is apparently linked to uranium and what’s in play here is the likelihood of acquiring cancer in the home you’ve just tested for radon but whatever it’s nothing.  Right?  I’m sure it’s nothing.  O_o

The bridal shoot we’re featuring in the pictures part of today’s post offers hefty, satisfying doses of tabletop inspiration, treat love, and bridal style for miles.  So we’re so pleased that Kristi, of Kristi Wright Photography, thought to submit the bright n cheery loveliness of it all.  Today’s shoot is what I think of when I think of a super chill, super tasteful bridal shoot, and I wanna do one RIGHT NOW.  Bambino, get my makeup bag!  Mommeh’s gonna put some effort in tonight, she feels inspired!  Ok the feeling’s passed.

Now.  Before I move into part one (which is today’s question from our reader) I haz a quick question for Kristi.  Kristi- did you guys eat the cakes in the shoot?  There are a whole lotta cakes in the shoot, and they leave a whole lotta unanswered questions about the specific ways everyone chose to break down those damn lovely cakes.  Inquiring minds want to know!  (So far it is just me who wants to know but I’m sure there’s more…Bambino, for example – he LOVES hearing about cake!

See?  Yeah so did you have a cake fight, or what?  Did you guys throw cake directly at each other’s mouths, simultaneously fighting with, AND eating, the slices of cake… serendipitously ‘having your cake and eating it, too?’

OH speaking of cake, Marie Antoinette, who happens to be a source of inspiration for this shoot, said something once about cake  <== TRANSITION WIN

MOVING ON TO MORE ADULT MATTERS: today’s question from a reader happens right now.  You might wanna put on your serious pants for this one…

Dear TKB:

This will probably sound weird but I’m hoping you and your readers could give me some informed reassurance.

I’m marrying my partner of almost 7 years next Spring.  I’m excited, he’s excited.  I’m not so much writing to get reassurance about our relationship, I do feel that I know (as well as anyone could possible know this kind of thing I mean) that he’s right for me, and I know that he feels that way about me.  It’s not about that.

It’s about the fact that my parents are divorced (when my sister and I were teenagers; I’m almost 30 now).  And now we’re watching as his parents go through that process.  It’s a painful, disillusioning thing to watch, especially when it’s a couple you believed would make it. 

So I’m a little scared of marriage right now.  I can’t see that we would ever find ourselves wanting to separate, but I also don’t have the pleasure of being naive about these things, having gone through now two divorces between two couples I believed in.  His parents seemed meant for one another, as did my parents.  (My parents never let on about their unhappiness when we were growing up, but to this day they don’t even speak).

I just want to feel upbeat again about getting married.  I’d love to hear some stories of people who’ve experienced/witnessed longlasting love, since I’m lacking right now on examples.  I’m in love with the wonderful man I get to marry next year, but I can’t kick this nagging fear of the seeming inevitability of it all, ever since his parents told us.  I also don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about this.  I don’t want to make my parents feel bad about splitting and I know they will if I bring this thing up.

Really anything you and your readers could offer up, I would truly appreciate hearing.  Thanks for taking the time to read.

~ Feeling Jaded

Dear Miss Jaded,

Our friends Will and Kate (which is what we’ll call them for this blog post) live next door to a middle-aged couple we’ve met only a few times.  Will and Kate live in suburbia, and whenever we leave the city to visit them not only can we breathe with unrivaled ease, but we sometimes chill with them and their neighbors, Prince Harry and Random-Girl-From-Nightclub.  Ok that’s not going to work.  Harry and Sally, we’ll call them.

Harry and Sally are lovely; they’re both super likable, down to earth people.  There’s a lot of love and friendliness there, and they’ve always given me the feeling of being a proper match.  You know when you meet a couple and you walk away thinking they are one another’s adjoining puzzle piece?  Don’t always see that in couples so it’s nice when you do.  You remember it.  And I don’t remember much of anything so great couples are clearly one of life’s pleasures for me.

Well about three months ago, Kate told me her neighbors had separated.  One of the pair moved into an apartment in a nearby town while the other stayed put. It was pretty sad to hear that news.  Mostly because it is, plainly, pretty sad news, but also because every time I get to know a couple that seems so uniquely *right* for one another, I take a mental snapshot of it and file it under evidence that “it” can work.  So you’re not weird for wanting we strangers to share with you some real examples of lasting love from our own personal circles.  For me, real life examples of love being effectively maintained between two people – especially when it’s up against overwhelming odds – these stories of love are the only things that keep me believing in it.  I always thought that, if you deeply love one another, and you are cognizant of the fact that relationships take work, then in most cases, you’re going to make it for the long haul.  I wasn’t looking forward to trashing their file.

Anyway.  Kate told me a funny story last week– early one morning she was woken up by what sounded like an animal stuck in the wall, whaling to be freed.  The moaning seemed to be getting increasingly more desperate, so she called Will up to the bedroom to help her locate it.  They never discovered the precise whereabouts of the animal, however they did notice that there was some howling coming from the neighbors’ bedroom.  She looked to the driveway, and that’s when she noticed both Harry and Sally’s cars.  They were parked side by side.  And since then, Sally’s car has been in the driveway more nights than it hasn’t.  Things are starting to look up.

Or they’re just having sex.  THE POINT IS:

People who have that right mix of belonging with one another have a great shot at making it work, and often find their way back.  But nothing is for certain, and I wouldn’t think of offering you guarantees, though I’m sure that’s not something you’re expecting out of this.  You seem to be after a renewed feeling that we have some semblance of control over our futures and our relationships.  I wish we did too.  We don’t.  We just have to take it as it comes, and in the meantime work as hard as we can at showing the one we love how gahdamn f**king much we f**king love that sunnuvabeach.

Update on Harry and Sally: The sexual healing going on in that bedroom has awoken Kate (and Will) three more times, which brings Kate (and myself) a renewed sense of joy every time we know they’re back together working on things.  However she reports that the novelty of overhearing your neighbors reuniting at the genitals wears off after around the first time you hear it.  “It was so shocking and funny to catch them that first time but now it’s just like, ‘I would really like to get some sleep, please.  Can you bang in the living room?’”  

I’d like to turn it over to you guys now, as we move into the picture part of today’s post.  Given Miss Jaded’s letter, this is great time to share some of those love stories you’ve got, so don’t hesitate if you’ve got it in you! 

Alrighty!  I’ve got some rather tasty eye candy for your faces today, mostly because it is like so totally fancy and I am just super in the mood for fancy stuff not that I’m unique or anything.  I think it’ll brighten up this otherwise sorta serious little hump day post, right?  Couldn’t hurt.

Here’s how Kristi described the mission of the shoot, style-wise:

We wanted to create an atmosphere inspired by European cafes, Grace Kelly (our bride, Cameron, definitely has a resemblance), and a bit of Marie Antoinette. Vintage French china, Italian demitasse glasses, and Belgian embroidered napkins helped us complete our intercontinental, European-inspired look. It was fun to imagine a bride indulging in perfume, make-up, desserts, and drink right before her wedding.

I am fuhh-REAKING out over the light in these images.

So let’s talk:

What are you thinking when it comes to Miss Jaded’s question for Dear TKB?

And when it comes to cake, DO YOO LUVVIT?  Also, OMG THIS SHOOT.  On a scale of 1 to 10 I cartwheeled five consecutive times before fainting.  So a 9.5?  Yeah a 9.5 sounds right.

xoxo  - Alison  

P.S. – this, and this.

P.P.S. – who’s watching the debate tonight?

Photography: Kristi Wright Photography / Venue: Chateau Bellevue (Austin, TX) / Styling and Paper Goods: Bird Dog Wedding / Cake: Jenny Baer Baking (site under construction) / Makeup: Ellie Vixie / Hair: Erin Jantzen at Mint Salon / Flowers: Verbena Floral Design / Shoes: Jimmy Choo, Dallas TX (shoe design is ‘Logan’) / Dress: Amy Kuschel from Unbridaled, Austin TX (the design is ‘Pearl’) / Veil: vintage

SUCCULENT DIY + MR ROGERS | Modern Golden Succulent Vases by Renee + My Shameful Sunday Night.

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You guys, I watched the Real Housewives of New Jersey finale Sunday night and OMG, I cannot.  OMFG what was that.  Did you watch it (admit it so we can talk!)?  I didn’t know if I was supposed to be judging a pageant or jerking off to some new type of highly satisfying porn.  Is Women Annoyingly Yelling a genre of pornography?  If it isn’t then I have NFI what I ate my dinner to between 10 and 11pm.  I really think it was pornography because I was super into it while I was watching it but now that it’s over I feel ashamed/like I want to take it all back.  I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.

Let’s shift gears and leave that back there, never to speak of it again as long as we live.  The following video went viral recently and if my heart were a caterpillar, this video reached inside of my chest tore out my still-beating heart and allowed it to blossom into a highly emotional butterfly, killing me.  So now my heart is a butterfly with PMS, WATCH OUT.  ANYWHO you might have seen the video already but I’ve been excited to post it here on the blog for anyone who hasn’t seen it already.  Watch, if you like Mr Rogers.  DEFINITELY WATCH if you *don’t* like Mr Rogers.  (Who doesn’t like Mr Rogers!!?!?)

If there isn’t a butterfly in your house randomly picking fights with your fiance/crying, then what kind of human ARE YOU.

If you answered A Human in Charge of His/Her Emotions well then touche.  Touche.

Now it is time for a craft!  Our resident DIY bloggista Renee Hong is back, and this time she brought gold and succulents which means I feel like we won at life today.  This one is perfect for a group of people who are not the Real Housewives of a city to do together in total harmony, or to do all by your lonesome/surrounded by cats.  If you need some company while you do it I am open to Skyping with you, however please make sure you catch me on a shower day.  (This is not most days.)

If you decide to do the project with a cat in the room, I suggest a cat detection software that prevents cats from typing on your computer and generally ruining your day file-deletion-wise.

… Though honestly, take solace in the fact that your cat takes an interest in typing.  I’ve been trying to get Bambino to take over part of the workload for what, a year? year and a half?  He asked me for the internship as a puppy, and everybody knows saying no to puppies is a one-way ticket to the pit of Hell, at least that’s what House Science Committee Member and professional ironic human Paul Broun says.

Oh what’s that? – your cat is deaf and you’re worried the software’s approach won’t stop your cat from clicking your keyboard and destroying everything you have built for yourself/your family over the past two years?  From the website: “PawSense detects the paws of even deaf cats.”

like WHOA.

Moving on, take it away, Renee….

This DIY is for you earthy folks who can’t quite swing the full-on hippie vibe ;) As much as I do adore flora and fauna, I still find myself equally attracted to those sleek, clean, modern lines. Ideal for a modernized earthy wedding, this project is an easy centerpiece that doesn’t leave either side out! A few candle holders, some lovely succulents and metallic accents later… you’ve got yourself a chic and simple arrangement for any table!

What you’ll need:

  • Tiered candle holders (from Ikea, called “Blomster” and come in a set of 3)
  • Three mini potted succulents (I got mine from Home Depot — there’s a big selection and only about a dollar each!)
  • Gold spray paint
  • Tape


Step 1:

Tape off a few different designs on your vases! Make sure that the areas you will not want painted are well-covered. For one I did the dip-dyed look, for the second I did patterned stripes, and for the third third, a triangle-patterned rim.


Step 2:

Spray away! Get your metallic spray paint and cover the un-taped areas thoroughly. Light layers of paint is the trick — you don’t want to pile it on and get it dripping wet. Walk away for at least 15 minutes to make sure it is still try, then remove your tape. It will be wayyyy easier and cleaner than if you are impatient and try to remove the tape immediately (trust me.)

Step 3:

Remove the plants from their pots and place them into the vases, pressing the dirt into the mold to secure the plant as much as possible. It can get kind of messy, so I’d advise to do it outdoors!

There you have it! A shiny and modern yet green-filled botanical DIY centerpiece! What do you think?

xo Renee / photos by Jenna Rae Photography


GIRL TALK | The #1 Pair of Underwear for Girls’ Butts Is… & Coolest Photo Shoot Prop of the Month, by Anna Pociask

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me again.  happy Friday afternoon and hope you’re ready for a .gif parade…

Below is what Bambino was doing at the foot of our bed last night.  The baby tiger on the left is our expression while this was going on for seven straight hours.

Suffice it to say, I’m pretty tired.  But I just couldn’t WAIT to post what you’re going to see today in this post, so… here we go.

First, here’s what’s coming up soon on the blog: My Open Letter to the part of the PR industry that’s ruining it for the ones who know what they’re doing, and, Bridal Market is in full swing, so please, prep yourself for the intense dress action I’ll be bringing back from the shows over the next week or so. Because ITWILLBESOINTENSE,LIKEISAID. I suggest a warm bath and some breathing exercises to prepare yourselves.

P.S. – I wanna thank all of the designers for inviting me to walk, and then making the right decision to reject me outright upon receiving my demo reel:

Sigh.  All my fat goes directly to my hands.

I have a story to share with you today SHOCK AMONG SHOCKS.

A couple days ago, a friend and I were sitting and chatting at one of those rare Starbucks establishments you see occasionally here in NYC.  Things went from a typical conversation between two respectable women to *vagina and ass* within five minutes.  Because I’m Alison?

We didn’t speak exclusively about butts and vaheens, because EW.  I don’t want you to think I’m obsessed with that stuff.  I mean, I am obsessed with that stuff but I don’t want you to think that.  No so we talked about other things, also.  Like relationship issues.  And we spent a STRONG three minutes releasing shrill screams about Bridal Market (Claire Pettibone = the one I’m most worried about fainting at, as I’m sure you would understand.  If you look for me there I will be the one sitting down 100% of the time with smelling salts in hand and a pregnancy pillow wrapped around me in case I fall out of my chair/get pregnant).  We also talked about puppies because of course.  We accidentally walked into about 20 minutes on politics but stopped before long, because DEPRESSING.

Someone brought up “underwear these days.”  Probably me.

We talked about good underwear.  We talked about baaaaad underwear, we talked about why we are incapable of throwing away our terrible terrible underwear that are so gross (which is one of the numbers on the list below, mind you).  We talked about the best shapes for different kinds of butts, then we talked about men’s butts because NATURALLY.  We got back on track, talking about which shape covers the most ground without being grannyish, we tried to determine the number one stunner for under skinny jeans and dresses, blah blah blah etcetera.  By the way this is what it looks like when I put on a pair of my skinny jeans

Yeah, so then we got into talking about annoying trends in underwear.

I said probably too loudly: “I just want all this glitter out of my underwear.  It gets in my butt.”

Let’s stop the tape right there, folks.  You may be noticing that sometimes I don’t think before I yell something out about my underwear.  In a crowded Starbucks at 2 in the afternoon among nursing mothers.  For what it’s worth my panties were overrun with maddening amounts of glitter, and I was at my wit’s end.  It was going to come out at some point so why not at Starbucks where there are toddler children playing on the floor and several older judgmental looking eavesdroppers.  It goes without saying that there were some folks in there who probably thought my name was Iwanna Ga’Doughnonnia, or Anita Peterortwo.  Or Sally con Strokum.  Aunt MaJina.  Donna Tuch-Marreare.  (<== oh my goodness I think I just determined my porn name if I go into porn)

They just didn’t know the truth.  Which was that, when I arrived on the website I use when buying underwear, I was denied any alternatives to these glanties (I first wrote *glittanties* but, no.).  I needed boy shorts, they had boy shorts with glitter all the f**k over them, and I pressed Purchase.  I didn’t say I was proud of it.  You can imagine my expression when I got to the computer and realized only glitter ones were left

But yes, I bought them.  And I’m still in possession of two pairs of (really great fitting which is why I bought them) boy shorts, fully enveloped in glitter that has apparently been glued on using a glue stick from my kindergarten class.  Because it’s like my underwear just washed their hair in the shower and it’s all over the shower wall now instead of my underwear’s head.  Or you get my point.  The moment my thighs hit the pavement it’s like breaking open a pinata of glitter in my pants.  I am immediately engulfed in glitter from the waist down.  Here is what my thoughts used to be on people who wear glitter underwear, before I became the owner of glitter underwear: “good luck with your crippling feelings of inadequacy and destructive thirst for attention.”  Here are my thoughts about people who wear glitter underwear, now that I own glitter underwear: “we are sisters.”

Here’s the point: you know me, you know I have certain needs.  And these needs are at their most firm, when it comes to my undercarriage.  You know how there are people who have exhaustive unemotional checklists of everything they need their partner to have (ivy league schooling, $$$$, etc.) in order for them to consider marrying them?  Those kinds of checklists often turn out to be projections of what we wish we had in ourselves, and can have a detrimental effect on one’s love life.  NOT SO, with the type of checklist I have.  Which is a list of everything I need out of my underwear.  Course this list is by no means complete.  I cannot speak for all shapes of ass, nor all tastes in underwear <== that came out wrong.

I have canvassed everyone I know (by randomly having conversations about it over several years unintentionally) to find out the best underwear for your money and ass, and it is, resoundingly, Victoria’s Secret brand boy shorts and hipsters.  The hipsters are actually called “cheeky” hipsters, but I feel like a truly ridiculous person calling them that so I don’t.  To the list!

  1. Seamless coverage, no exceptions.
  2. I need to be able to walk around my home without pants, nary a care of the view from behind.
  3. Material must be soft, yet firm/capable of holding things in place.  It’s essentially a butt bra, so ACT LIKE IT.
  4. No messages on the back.  Because SERIOUSLY.  Thanks so much, no I would not like to advertise the fact that I’m a “hot piece of ass” and like to “party all night” across where my asshole is.  What sane person wants another person doing some light reading within inches of the anus?  NOT I.  Spend as little time as possible there, if you’d be so kind.  If you must plaster letters across my butt, how about “no loitering.”
  5. Just, if you grant my wish of the “no loitering,” please… don’t do it in glitter.
  6. Still pretty ticked about the glitter.  It’s permanently embedded in nearly all of my jeans  -_________-
  7. “I would like my ass to look like a deli ham” = the last thing I’d ever say to a sales clerk selling me underwear.  Yet somehow, that is exactly what they have brought to my since I was but a child, hoping for a round, right ass without seams.  So: no cheek-gripping seams for chrissakes, is what #7 is.  Srsly why would my objective be for people walking behind me to think “omg. that girl was born with the Human Centipede of Asses.  Her ass, it looks like there might be an identical second one, spun on its axis and then stacked directly atop the first ass.  HOTT.  It’s like that girl with the three boobs instead of two!  Except this is four cheeks instead of two, and it is gross instead of my teenage fantasy.”  No thanks.
  8. I know some of you are saying that *working out* is a solution to this; that a firmer butt means reduced cheek-gripping action.  I’m sorry- is this a health blog?
  9. No decorative stitching, printed onto the material or sewn in for utterly ridiculous aesthetic effect.  Both are equally preposterous and make you look like the kind of person who has a room in her home devoted entirely to dolls.
  10. No animal prints where the animal print is magenta and neon green, unless you’re looking for a way to send the message, “I’d go to Taco Bell on a first date.”  Here is what Bambino does when he sees one of my more ‘in your face about it’ pairs of clean underwear (and I really don’t want to encourage it) 
  11. No frilly ruffles.  I have fallen into the trap of purchasing frilly underwear in the past, and while they make sense in the boudoir ifyouknowwhatImean, ifyouknowwhatI’mtalkinabout, I can attest that, worn outside of the bedroom and under jeans, the frills only bunch up on the sides, adding the insult of wider hips to the already-imposed injury of being made to look like you’re an idiot.
  12. Final Note: Some underwear are decidedly period underwear, and they are purchased for that express purpose.  SAME RULES APPLY.

So, as I transition rather pitifully out of Part 1, I will leave you with one burning question my girlfriends and I rather frequently arrive at:

How is it that: only girls are encouraged to concern themselves with waxing their entire pelvic region, almost to the point of it becoming a female standard?  How has it not yet bled (no pun intended) over into guys’ regimens?  I could make a compelling case for why men should make it a priority.  I mean really, there is so much to gain.  But I digress.  Anyway I saw a video today that someone I will not be naming sent to me, and I’m gonna share with you but definitely only as a link.  Because one of the guys, UMMM.  He *stepped in gum*.  Enjoy at your OWN RISK, and I hope you got the reference.  If you got the reference you’re probably not clicking on that link, which is smart, and it is what I advise.  Moving on…

On a completely unrelated note to everything I talked about above, OMGIAMINLOVEWITHTHISSHOOT.  It’s the feather-winged finale of that styled loveliness I hinted at sometime back and OMG you’re gonna love it.  I will stop using ‘OMG’ right now.

The surreal beauty you’re about to see below was submitted by Anna Pociask Photography, with the title “Temptation.”  Anna said, “I wanted to tell a story of a woman tempting a good boy.  Her beauty slowly enticing him…”   NAILED IT.

This brings us ’round to our overall lesson today, folks.  When it comes to clothing and accessories, gigantic feathered wings in a shoot is AWESOME, while leopard printed neon green underoos with suspenders and a neon sign on the back that reads “come in” are NOT AWESOME.  Does anyone disagree with me?  If so, by all means, share.

Anyway, hope you love this shoot as much as I did.  It’s such a captivating foray into the dreamland we rarely get a chance to visit IRL.  Or whatever.  Holy shit just show the pictures already Alison.

So tell me…

1.  Anyone excited to see the dress photos from the shows of Bridal Market?  I know at least one person who is. *pointscutelyatself*

2. Any input on my totally insane underwear tangent that I’m not proud of?  Also accepting “you need immediate medical attention for chronic insanity thrombosis”  But obviously I prefer a comment of substance vs. attack.  I mean obviously.

3.  What do you think of today’s styled session?  I am absolutely infatuated with the couple, Ashley and Robby… they’re married, by the way!  Am I weird or does she actually look like a winged fairy IRL.  I felt like I was watching Tinker Bell: The College Years.  This whole thing turned out MAGNIFICENT.

xoxo!  - Alison

Photography: Anna Pociask Photography / Submitted via Two Bright Lights

 

OF DRESSES AND FACIALS | Bridal Fashion Week: World’s Most Shocking Frock + Would You Wear a Mullet Dress?

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Happiest of evenings to you, peeps.

Bambino pic right off the bat, because I listen to my readers.  And apparently most of you prefer my frenchie to me.  So, yay.  

Before we get to the dresses, I have an Open Letter to a certain part of the industry that sends me things I didn’t ask them to send me:

Dear PR person who sent me an email with the title “DIY Pumpkin Cream Pie Facial.”

First let me say, thanks so much for adding me to your mass email list without permission.  It is always a treat, when that happens.  But moving beyond that; I would probably vote down an Equal Pay for Equal Work bill before I would want to receive an email about a Cream Pie Facial.  I mean really.  All the best to the creator of said treatment, but what in the world.  I want to know if this is a joke.  Is this a joke?  I am asking sincerely.  One thing you have to understand, is that if you’re going to add me to your PR list, and I’m going to have to suffer through emails I never asked to receive, and you’re going to add on top of that a skin treatment that sounds like the offspring of the two things I dislike most in this world – Pumpkin Spice Lattes and guys coming on faces - I mean, just please understand that you will ultimately live to regret your decision.

Ok, on a completely unrelated note, it’s time for the first round of my fave dress picks fresh from the runway!  I narrowly avoided accidentally launching Bridge while in Photoshop this whole week so thanks to that I was able to wrap up my bridal market editing a day early (I budget in approx. 17 hours of accidental ‘Launch Bridge’ clicks per session).  Good times.  So without further adieu, here’s my *haul* from the JLM Couture runway show WHICH WAS F**KING PHENOMENAL BTW.  It was the official runway presentation of their Spring 2013 Collections: Lazaro, Hayley Paige, Alvina Valenta and Jim Hjelm.  I am totally in love with every bit of fabric and embellishment that walked its way down that slightly-problematic-with-regard-to-taking-photos-from-my-seat path.  Enjoy.

^ And the Most Shocking Dress Award goes to:

So… what say you about those dresses?  And where, may I ask, do you stand on the *pouf* debate?  Love big poufs?  Don’t love big poufs but more power to those who do?  Kill all poufy dress lovers until their blood runs cold in the streets?  And the mullet dress… thoughts?  And finally, that Shocker of Shockers, the almost-completely-nude wedding dress which is both immensely beautiful and totally too scandalous SIMULTANE.

FYI: Much more to come, you guys.  And by more, I mean ruffles and sparkles and gems and poufs, and Bambino McPuppypants, and hates, and loves, and personal issues I naturally discuss with reckless abandon on a worldwide blog in between pictures of attractive people, and also…

… the specific thing I want to murder about Bridal Market.  Oh yes.

So, hide ya kids and ya wife.  Husbands, too.

xoxo  - Alison

P.S. – a shoot inspired by The Notebook, coming up on TKB.  Because that kind of shoot is what dreams are made of, and I am in the business of showcasing other people’s dreams while talking about random s**t in between.  So basically, I slightly tarnish dreams with talking.  #Winning

Photos: m’self  with Instagram. So, Instagram.

ON KIDS AT WEDDINGS: I Went to a Wedding That Got Ruined by a Baby. Plus: DIY Monogram Secret Message Puzzle by Renee!

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Happy Monday, lovers.  Today I have a story I’ve been meaning to share with you.  The story is followed by a very relevant DIY by Renee Hong for the young – and the young at heart – on your wedding day.  And I’m excited about it.

The story I’m about to share involves what can go wrong when whittles are present at weddings.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Quick Note: the rest of those dresses I’ve been meaning to show you from fashion week are coming up, I prrromise you dahlings.  I think I’ve contracted the flu, which has put me out of commission a tad completely.  Thanks everyone who I’ve been hanging out with recently who had a cold but called it “just a cough” and “not contagious.”  Literally four people I know said that to me throughout the past two weeks, and I chose to believe them.  I am so dumb!  *slaps self*

THE STORY:  Once upon a time at a friend’s wedding, there was a young child present at the ceremony.  Two things about this child…

  1. he was a toddler,
  2. he was not having any of it.

We’re all sitting and listening to this ceremony… which is unfolding beautifully by the way… and then all of a sudden, it starts happening.  What did the little child do, instead of quietly and from a distance admire his mother, a bridesmaid, as she stood beside the bride?  Well, he chose to scream bloody murder for his mother for the duration of the ceremony.  From the comfort of his father’s arms.  Arms that remained at the ceremony the entire time.  While a child wailed and howled and fussed, for his mama.  Clearly frustrating the bride and groom.

Here’s the thing: kids cry.  Kids want their mamas.  Everybody is aware of this.  And I’m displeased with the way society looks upon new parents when their children make the slightest fuss in public spaces.  But I have to admit, it frustrated me a little bit (a lot bit) that the husband (who was seated in the back, so he could have made a clean exit) didn’t choose to remove himself and his little one from the situation – if only for a few minutes, just so the ceremony wouldn’t be forever marred by the loud screams that completely overwhelmed any other sounds.  Like the vows, for example.  Didn’t hear them at all, and I know that the couple had intended for their guests to hear them.

While it didn’t ruin everyone’s fun at the reception, it definitely changed the focus of the ceremony.  It took the spotlight off of our lovely friends on their magical day, and made it all. about. a crying baby.  So………..

I’m curious: have you ever been in a situation similar to the one I just described?  Or do you have any thoughts/reactions on how it unfolded?  And lastly, any suggestions for others, regarding the handling of a little one at wedding, once that little one’s meltdown is imminent?

On a related note, our resident DIY bloggista Renee Hong is back, and she’s got quite the perfect little playtime idea for all the wee ones at your wedding.  Take it away, Renee!

Hey guys! Today’s DIY might be a little childhood throwback for any of you who grew up loving puzzles. I’m going to be honest and let you guys know I have pretty much always hated doing puzzles… I was never anywhere near patient enough for them and could never understand why my friends would gather around to put pieces together to make an image that didn’t even contain a secret message. Well, the puzzle I’m about to show you is only made up of 16 pieces, so even you non-puzzle lovers should be pretty alright here! And you get to design it yourself… which means you can include as many secret messages as you’d like. They make great entertainment for the kids’ tables at your wedding or, if you’ve got an especially youthful bunch, can be used on every table!

What you’ll need:
– 16 wood tiles (mine were about 1×1″ each)
– Paint in color of your choice
– Pencil
– Paintbrush
– Tape

Step 1:
Arrange your tiles into a 4×4 square layout. Keeping them as straight as possible, tape down the tiles to secure them in place.

Step 2:
Flip your tile grid over and sketch your desired design on the tiles with a pencil (here’s where the secret message comes in!). It is best to use a design that has as many curves as possible in order to make your puzzle easier to solve (since the tiles are all the same).

Step 3:
Fill in your puzzle! Use as few or many colors as you would like. You may need a finer brush for more detailed designs. Once the paint has dried, remove tape from the other side and you’ve got a finished custom puzzle!


What do you think, puzzle lovers — would this be a fun addition to your wedding? And non-puzzlers — is it simple enough to keep your minds from going insane?

xo Renee // with photos by Jenna Rae Photography

BRIDAL FASHION WEEK | Top Choice in: *Trends* | The One Trend I Wanted in Dresses, Happened!!! Plus Bambino.

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So friends… it came, and it went.  And it was spectacular.  Bridal designers converged on NYC earlier this month for Bridal Fashion Week, and on the whole they brought forth perhaps the most satisfying alternative ever, to the full pelvic lower back tattoo of a mason jar holding a lavender bouquet shaped like a giant mustache sipping on a striped paper straw that I was going to get in order to make my wedding photos that super extra special bit of unique.  “Blog-worthy,” as they say.

Mom, you can start speaking to me again!  Not getting the back tattoo you said you’d kill yourself over before you lived another day to see me with a back tattoo!

Just kidding about the tattoo.  I’m not an idiot.  My tattoo will be of a life-size Bambino Whittlestein McPuppypants III, Esq because NATURALLY.  Maybe inspired by this sequence, from a recent event…

Or not.  Anyways as I was saying, the long-awaited detailing of that area on your body that everybody sees when you’re leaving them behind is now SPOKEN FOR, you guys.  And by almost every bridal designer I encountered!  T’was truly magnificent.  From show to show, booth to booth, there was at least some semblance of that ever-growing love for the lace-enveloped lower back.  The ‘ornate wedding spine,’ as I’ll never refer to it again.  And who came out with the kinds of designs I’ve seen only in my dreamscapes?

Ever the weaver of dreams into dresses, Claire Pettibone blatantly led the charge, as it ever was.  And I will say that to her I am forever grateful, because these dresses left me looking like one of those cartoon characters who’s so shocked by what he’s seeing in front of him that his jaw slams to the floor and has to be manually lifted up, to meet his mouth once again.  Literally, lifted up.  Minus the literally, that was what I looked like at this runway show.

Though you guys, she must have expected that to happen because the floor was covered in petals.  OMGIKNOW,RIGHT.

Now check out these backs, SON!

So you guys…

Are you into this?  Do you think you’re a fan of the lace and/or sheer back trend that’s really come to the forefront this season?

And what would you say are your top fave styles, when it comes to dresses?  Simple, decorated, glitter-all-over-it, sequin city, sleek and bare, completely naked except for nipple petals, covered in feathers, 100% leather head-to-toe, … I won’t list them all because that’s impossible and also my dog is crying at me to go poopy.

See you after I’ve lifted his poop off of the sidewalk, deposited it in the trashbin in the street, washed my hands vigorously trying to forget… and returned to my computer!

xoxo  - Alison

8 Secrets for a Honeymoon That’ll Leave You Both *Satisfied* (… ifyouknowwhatimean) | Honeymoon Pixie

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Hello, lovers.  Today’s first post coming atcha faces.

Andrew Marino is dropping by today with some tips to ensure a super awesome sexy cuddly exciting honeymoon for you and your honeybunny with maximum sexual readiness and limited frustrations.  Well… he didn’t say any of that stuff specifically, but that’s what these tips will get you if you follow them correctly.  (Trust me.)

And who doesn’t want to have super awesome sexy cuddly exciting times on their honeymoon?  No seriously I’m asking.  I’m willing to make house visits to figure out what the hell is wrong with you if that is not your precise honeymoon objective.  For me, a honeymoon is about three things; relaxation, fun, and banging.  And not in that order.  So if you and I are on the same page… let me take you, now, to the tips…  

And by the way, if you want to know why we should listen to Andrew, it’s because he’s at the helm of Honeymoon Pixie, an industry leader in providing honeymoon gift registries for engaged couples.  So in my estimation this is very worth paying attention to… just saying.

Top 8 Secrets for a Romantic Honeymoon… and GO!

Romance is the ultimate goal of any great honeymoon; but a romantic honeymoon can look dramatically different from one couple to the next. Some couples prefer lying on the beach sipping cocktails together, and others prefer sightseeing through European cities side by side. No matter what your honeymoon preferences, these eight secrets will help make your honeymoon even more romantic and memorable:

1. Set up a honeymoon registry.  This best kept secret for a romantic honeymoon is now becoming well-known among engaged couples. By using a honeymoon registry, couples can opt to have the experiences associated with their dream honeymoon as a viable alternative to traditional wedding gifts. These honeymoon gift activities can raise the bar for anyone’s definition of “romance.” A couple’s honeymoon registry can include a romantic candlelit dinner, a couple’s massage, a swim with dolphins, a honeymoon suite upgrade, or a chilled bottle of Champaign and chocolates in bed!

2. Choose the right location for you.  The key to having a truly romantic honeymoon is to choose the right honeymoon destination for the two of you – rather than simply choosing a tropical beach because that’s what most people seem to do. Think about the times you feel most connected to your fiancé, whether that’s when experiencing new adventures together, snuggling in a luxurious bed, exploring a new city, or simply relaxing. Then, choose a honeymoon destination that will allow you to experience those things together.

3. Plan some little gifts.  You can enhance the intimacy and romantic connection on your honeymoon by planning gifts for your new spouse. Pack little secret presents for every day of the honeymoon and present them to your new spouse at just the right time.

4. Tell people you’re on your honeymoon.  One of the least-known ways to make your honeymoon more romantic is to tell other people on your honeymoon. It can get you discounts, upgrades, or maybe a table with a better view at a seaside restaurant. If you want romantic honeymoon upgrades from your hotel, pack a copy of your new marriage license to verify that you really are on your honeymoon.

5. Bring your own romantic items.  Don’t expect your hotel or destination to provide you with all the romance you’ll want on your honeymoon. Instead, bring some of your own romantic items, such as tealight candles, your favorite music, bubble bath, massage oil, and new lingerie.

6. Book a room with a Jacuzzi.  There’s nothing more romantic than relaxing together in a dimly-lit, luxurious bathroom with a Jacuzzi tub for two. It’s more romantic than a hot tub at a resort pool because it’s private.

7. Enjoy breakfast in bed.  Splurge on room service at least once or twice on your honeymoon. Breakfast in bed gives you time to wake up slowly, making your whole day feel less rushed and more romantic. Depending on what you enjoy, you can even bring a board game to play or a movie to watch while you enjoy your luxurious breakfast in the comfort of your room.

8. Tell your spouse why you love him/her.  Telling someone about all the reasons you love him or her is possibly one of the most romantic gestures there is. Before your honeymoon, spend time making a list of the reasons you love your fiancé. Then, on your honeymoon, present this list of reasons in a creative way – as a scrapbook, on strips of paper you leave around the room, or just in a list form that you can read during a romantic dinner together. 

It’s me, Alison, again… Are you thinking about your honeymoon at all now?  Well let me suggest getting involved with what’s going on over at Honeymoon Pixie.  The whole idea is very similar to a traditional registry, however guests purchase fun activities for you to enjoy during your honeymoon… making it way better, in many ways.  I’m sure you can see how this is way, way better.  Unless you hate romantic time spent alone with your sweetheart for pretty much no out of pocket costs for the trip.

If you’re hesitant to sign up for things you’re not too familiar with, there’s nothing to worry about, trust me.  Honeymoon Pixie consistently receives 5-Star ratings from newlyweds.  And I am an admirer of their “One-Click” method.  For example, it’s “one-click” to:

  • Print announcement cards
  • Print Thank You lists
  • Send out pre-written emails
  • Implement Facebook integration
  • Upload unlimited photos
  • Select a beautiful registry theme
  • Use a Pre-built Honeymoon Gift Registry
  • Redeem your gift funds at anytime

So, my peoples, can you think of any other tips for honeymoon maximum enjoyment?  And where’s your absolute favorite place to vacation?

Also also- would you call yourself a fan of honeymoon registries?  Or are you more into paying your life savings for trips?  This is obviously a trick question.

More coming up today, just you wait.  ;)

xoxo!  - Alison

Honeymoon Pixie is a TKB preferred vendor.  Learn more about Honeymoon Pixie by visiting Vendor Love.

What Barely-Clothed Version of a Celebrity Will You Be Dressing As This Halloween? Plus: OMG,You Guys. There Are Halloween-Inspired Shoots That Don’t Suck!

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Good evening, friends!  Happy almost Halloween!  Though not so happy for me.  *cue the violins*

You know this already, but I’m from New York.  I’ve spent my whole life here, save for a truly fabulous, don’t get me wrong four year stint spent in North Carolina during two of the hugest ice storms that state has ever seen in its LIFE.  Shut down the entire state.  Good news is, North Carolina has approximately one snow plow and five-on-a-good-day ConEd workers keeping things running statewide, or at least it would appear that way.  Which translates to shit gets f**ked up beyond belief in North Carolina when bad weather comes.  Shit gets effed in the F.  I could tell you a story about the time my Mom visited me and we lost all power/heat/running water that weekend and we had to hold one another for warmth until the paramedics came but I don’t want to sit here and regurgitate depressing memories.  Not when I’ve successfully blocked them for the better part of a decade.

My point is: Halloween in NY – if you’re a young girl fallen prey to societal expectations of you – means walking around your friends’ neighborhoods half-naked in 30 degree weather, trying to look sexy while clear snot drips from your nostrils.  So I haven’t been what you would call a traditional fan of Halloween since around the time it occurred to me that being outside for long periods of time trespassing every property in your town in the freezing cold darkness of it all while wearing whatever slut leotard I’ve chosen to wear that year is actually not a great way to spend a night.  (Who knew?)

Not to poop on Halloween.  Sorry.  I’m pooping all over Halloween, I’m a terrible person.  Don’t be sore at me.**  I think it’s awesome that people like Halloween; I actually wish I was less of a lover of warmth and being comfortable and generally out of costume.  I’m just not a big camper.  (Camper is a catchall I’m using for a person who looks forward to roughing it when more amenable conditions exist and are readily available.)

ANYWAAAAAAAAYS just wanted to give you a miniature taste of some of what you’ll be seeing next week.  Unlike a lot of Halloween-inspired shoots, I actually liked this one.  A lot.

Succulents are involved.

Tell me, are you excited for Halloween?  I’m looking to hear some of the reasons people like it; contrary to what you’re thinking after having read this post, I’m not a closed-minded individual and am open to being turned into a fan of this holiday.

Oo and what are you getting dressed up as?  We’ll probably be Mr & Mrs Snuggie.

xoxo  - Alison

Photography: Izzy Hudgins Photography

**Anybody remember those Jerky Boys prank call cds?  The one reason I’m sad to see landlines go the way of the Dodo.

Hurricane Update…

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Thank you to everyone who has been asking about our status.  We are ok, and deeply appreciate your concern.  Currently we know of extensive damage to homes of friends and relatives in the greater NY area, HOWEVER everyone is alive.  Crazy writing a sentence like that.

If you find that you’d like to help, you can do so by donating to the Red Cross.

Thank you, much love to all of you.  Hope all of you are safe and sound today.

xoxo  - Alison


TODAY IN ‘ZOMG’ | Romantic Gothic Wilderness Wedding Inspiration, French Bulldogs, Writer’s Block and My Boobs. | Feat. Izzy Hudgins & French Knot Studios

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Happy late Friday evening.  I = back.

“NO, momma– a *whore* version of Snow White”  - being uttered by children coming of age in modern-day American society during the month of October.

Think about it.  But not for too long because ew, weird.

 

So uh, those sentences above? = how my Halloween post started out originally, when it was scheduled to go up before Halloween.  Silliness and inappropriateness.  NBD, right?  And then this happened:  

I have to preface the rest of this by saying that I had a version of this Halloween post written in anticipation of the storm taking out power like I hinted at above, but after the storm actually happened it just wasn’t a priority.  I figured you guys would understand.  Though still, apologies on the few days of silence from me.  

FYI: This post isn’t meant to be a lesson for anyone or a special speech on life or anything like that.  It is my personal story, that’s it.

I love to have fun on this blog, it’s what keeps me loving it year after year.  I rarely if ever struggle with writer’s block because I start out having far too much to say anyway.  Writing it down isn’t work, it’s a relief for me.  I have about 1000 topics a day that I would be open to discussing with anyone who’s listening, but I limit myself to a handful of them because it’s important to STFU sometimes.  A life rule that’s been good to me.  But so writer’s block?  Not me I thought.

After the storm absolutely nothing was funny to me anymore.  A very weird place to be, if you’re me.  How does one write when something like this happens?  I had no answer for myself, other than feeling wholly self-indulgent even for thinking a thing like that.

I’ll keep this short and sweet: knowing what’s going on all around us, we’ve been thanking our lucky latitudinal and longitudinal stars for the location of our apartment in the city.  We – Honey and I – got the least serious impact.  The devastation is far-reaching and something out of a horror movie – communities burned to the ground, communities under water, families separated from each other, people swept out into the ocean while trying to drive to higher ground, trees falling on houses, falling on people.  Some people can’t find gas because apparently oil tankers couldn’t port.  There were electrical explosions and the fatal mayhem that accompanies that.  I’m hearing the state of NJ is dealing with an issue of sewage compromising the clean drinking water.  Also apparently gas stations aren’t able to provide gas because of electricity issues and countless people are without the use of cars.

Reconciling the fact that we’re inside what is being referred to as a “disaster zone,” with the fact that we all have lives to resume – like writing a playful, upbeat wedding and lifestyle blog, for example – that’s been an interesting journey.  I’m sure a lot of you know what I mean.  There’s something that happens to you on a fundamental level when cell/landlines are down for people in your life and you can’t reach your family to see if their house fell on them while they were inside or outside and everyone’s so sleep-deprived that you can’t figure out the location of that fire you’re hearing about that’s been burning down people’s homes, and that’s not even the half of it for a lot of people.  Even people just a few miles down the road from us.  It’s surreal on a lot of levels, and you can hardly imagine getting back to work in a normal way.  In your head you’re on a tape loop: “everything I could possibly write about right now feels so trivial.  It would be disgusting of me to write something playful.  To write anything positive at all would be horribly shameful on my part.”  So the alternative is to be radio silent and to focus entirely on the fallout.  Which you do for a few days.  And then you quickly realize that is a terrible idea.  Not focusing on the blog means not focusing on the business.  The business that now employs someone.  You have to BLOG, Alison!  But wait; if you blog then the time you’ve spent blogging is time not focusing on those suffering as a result of this hurricane!  A lot of ridiculous soul searching takes place, and even the soul searching feels self-indulgent.  Every single minute of your awake time should be devoted to helping those in need, you think.  How dare you work, Alison.  How DARE you earn money!  At a time like this.

And then Tina Roth Eisenberg of Swissmiss tweets a link to a Seth Godin post titled “Getting Over Ourselves” that speaks to this.  It definitely spoke to me.  And then eventually the real *switch* comes, the thing that gives you a new perspective.  For me it was hearing this quote, I think it was Chris Christie’s words:

“Today was a day of sorrow and we need to feel that.  But as long as sorrow does not replace resilience, we’ll be fine.”

So you guys, if you’re into it, howsabout we have some good old-fashioned fun right now, pre-storm-style?  Of the cool inspiration shoot plus two whittle behbeh Frenchies hanging out and cuddling at times variety, is a good way to start I think.  Whether or not anyone’s ready for it, I’m pretty sure the key is just to get the show on the road.

Soooo.  With that said, here’s the post I wrote before Sandy, edited for tense and for the extra-special house guests we’ve had since the storm hit.

I’ve got something special for you today.  Here’s a quick question (I promise you the question is not the something special):

Of late, have you been on an endless search for wedding inspiration that is loosely connected to the uniquely disturbing tone of a holiday we traditionally celebrate around this time every year?  If you said yes, you really couldn’t have been more timely about your unquenchable thirst for eccentrically-styled couture death scenes.  HOORAY??

For those of you who are just looking forward to another wicked-awesome shoot to pour through at full bug-eyedness, please, let me share some reasons for you to get excited: succulents, dusty miller (<–whitish green velvety leaves you see in pretty much all bouquets these days, a trend I fully intend to follow), feather fascinators, feather collars, antlers OUTTA NOWHERE because YES TO ANTLERS!, ominous hollow epidermises of death seemingly enshrining captive, live heads, palms presenting bone-white animal skulls in lieu of meaningful trinkets, bubbling goblets, gilded accent pieces strategically placed upon gravestone-like structures that could very well be sitting atop ACTUAL GRAVES LIKE IN A GRAVEYARD, and a guy who did a great job of just going with the flow.

I’ve been looking forward to sharing this shoot with you because, unlike a good number of inspiration shoots I see around Halloween, I feel like this one really succeeded at keeping it fascinating and chic in the most enticing manner.  It’s got a strong eeriness emanating from it and I’m looking forward to hearing your reactions to it.

However first I’d like to pass it over to Honey, who is reporting live from right next to me, working on actual real work, like for his own job.  Honey, can you provide an update on your feelings about this shoot?

“It’s great.  Reporting LIVE, this is Honey.”

Not all transitions can be winners.  But I needed a way of sharing with you that Honey’s working from home all this week (hurricane).  Sandy also brought over a friend named Ari, who in turn brought along his son, Albi.

Meet Albi:

Cute right?  Albi is older by a few months, but much tinier than Bambino.  Bambino is The Hulk version of Albi’s Bruce Banner.  And by that I mean the Edward Norton Bruce Banner.  And by that I mean Albi is the size of one of the little twig arms on a normal size twig, that has dropped from a bonsai tree.  When walking the two together, I worried about people thinking Bambino is the Kim Kardashian to my Kris Jenner, but that instead of *loving him more* than my other less marketable daughters, I *feed him exclusively*.

I probably think too much.

Here are a few more puppy shots and then I PROMISE.. the absolutely killer pictures*.  Mu ha ha ha haaaaaa.

*Note: Pictures not actually bent on mass murder.

Elizabeth (she goes by Izzy) of Izzy Hudgins Photography submitted this super intense, super committed shoot of hauntingly good inspiration, and I’m so happy to share it with you, finally.  And really awesome bonus news – she’s got an equally killer DIY she just sent along for you guys to replicate some of the really amazing styling.

From Izzy…

French Knot Studios and I put together this Edgar Allan Poe/Romantic Gothic/dash of wilderness shoot that would be prefect for a Halloween post. Our inspiration started with a luxe black feathered collar at a local boutique and a local artist, Marcus Kenney’s, taxidermy collection. Or color palette included a mix of light creamy blush tones, inky blues, and deep sanguine reds. We gathered our favorite local artists and designers to complete the shoot: spectacular dresses from Project Runway’s April Johnston, an antler framed bouquet from Madame Chrysanthemum, and antlers, artifacts, and taxidermy from Kenney. We chose a decadent chocolate display by Adam Turoni in lieu of a wedding cake to show off the rich darkness of the shoot and named each treat after a Poe story. French Knot Studios created the bride’s headpiece from deer fur, pheasant feathers, and a vintage brooch, then styled the scene. The perfect backdrop was Old Sheldon Church Ruins. Located off a country road in South Carolina, this hallowed relic is all that remains of a 1745 church and surrounding cemetery. With tombs for tables and a crumbling brick facade, it in itself is gothic romance. Enjoy!

I would love to hear your thoughts on anything.  On Izzy’s fabulous shoot would be a good start.  She did a bang up job making me like fashionable morbidity.  Not something I ever thought I’d say.

Thanks to everyone as always for being cool people, for the links to cute uplifting tumblr sites that made us smile like this one about frenchies from Kim Hecomovich, for the virtual hugs and the general appreciation for what the storm has taken from so many people who were way more unfortunate than we.

FYI, I’m cuddling your collective faces right now.  Can you feel it?  It should feel super warm, and maybe slightly molesty but only because I’m like shoving my boobs inside of your face while I embrace you in a sort of suffocation-hug.  So just try to focus on the warm part.  That’s what she said.

Besides, in order to have a shot at hug-suffocation I think I would need to have *volume* and some *perkiness* and *a cup size that is not a small B on a good day* and even *boobs, at all*, so scratch everything I just said and send me to a mental hospital because what?? am I even talking about right now?

I will be taking a nap if you need me.

xoxo  - Alison

Reminder: if you’re looking for a way to help those suffering the fallout of Hurricane Sandy, think about donating to the Red Cross.

P.S. you guys – stay tuned in the near future for a DIY or two from these hyper-talented ladies that’ll blow your faces off, collectively.  Seriously it will be very neat, your faces will literally melt off of your face.

Photographer: Izzy Hudgins Photography / Hair Stylist: Keratin Complex / Floral Designer: Madame Chrysanthemum / Invitation Designer: dot jim / Makeup Artist: Rebecca Wash / Jewelry: Gaucho / Specialty Foods: Chocolat by Adam Turoni / Other: Old Sheldon Church / Fashion Designer: Mangled Courtesan / DIY or Handmade Goods Designer: French Knot / Weddings Model: Rise Model Management

RUSTIC GOLDEN DIY | Once You See This Stylish New Seating Chart Idea, You’re Gonna Want It At Your Party.

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So like, you are totally voting today, right?

Won’t be bugging you about it, just want to say this one thing: even if your voting lines are crazy long, DO NOT HESITATE to stay in line for your turn.  Your employer is required to forgive your absence.  <== yayYUH!

Alrighty.  Great news, you guys– our resident DIY contributor Renee is back, and HOLY CRAP is this a good one.  Enjoy!

Today’s DIY is a fall-inspired way to display your reception seating chart! These mini-apple name cards can even serve as simple take-home favors for your guests. Obviously, my favorite thing about entering holiday season is that my metallic-y/glittery/sparkly/shiny obsession becomes, for a few months, considered “acceptable”, but for those who are looking for a way to ease a little more gradually into the gold and glitz of the holidays, this is a project that gives a little shine without going TOO over-the-top (if there is such thing as that…). The trick here is Rub ‘n Buff, a wax-based metallic finish. It’s basically a matte metallic coating, providing an elegant and antique feel… and super easy to use! Let’s start:

What you’ll need:
- Mini apples
- Rub ‘n Buff (in Classic Gold)
- Metal letter stamps
- Black ink pad
- Log slice
- Old sock or cloth or cotton pad (I used makeup pads)

Step 1:
Using your old cloth/material, apply the Rub n’ Buff by, well, rubbing and buffing it onto your mini apple. A little goes a long way, so start with a small size and gradually work it in to cover the entire surface area of your apple. Once covered, allow to dry for an hour or so.

Step 2:
Use the metal letter stamps to deboss names around the top of the apple. If you don’t already have one, metal letter stamping sets are not very expensive (I got mine for $10) and are perfect for small, precise lettering.

Step 3:
Stamp the table number around the edge of the wood surface using the same metal letters. Place apples atop according to their table assignments and you’re finished!

Easy, unique, and fall-inspired. What do you think?

xo Renee

DEAR TKB: “I fell in love with a less than traditional gown…” PLUS: Would You Wear One of These Dresses On Your Wedding Day?

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Happy Friday, hunnies!

I have to be honest with you; I am at a complete loss for how to start off this post because I’m sitting here waiting to leave for his and hers dermatologist appointments and I’m very on edge.  We’re going together because I have this secret (not so secret anymore) deep-seated fear of dermatologists, and Honey has to dermatologist-ambush me when he wants me to go.  I can’t seem to kick the assumption that the next time I see a dermatologist, s/he’s going to tell me that one of my 5 million+ freckles has the C Word in it.. I don’t go very often for this reason.  It’s more like almost never (I realize this is terrible).  It’s that whole *I’d rather not know* thing.  I’ve been a total baby about this one thing in my life.  Definitely glad I have Honey to force me into it.

Anyway whenever I can’t think straight/am too nervous to write, I like to employ my crutch: Bambino pics.  Enjoy!

Dearest TKB: 

I instantly fell in love with a less than traditional colored gown on my first day of gown shopping and bought it that day!  And while I still love my dress, I am stuck in a dilemma.  Since I did choose a colored gown I want to make sure I still feel like a bride, and not just a fabulously dressed gal.  But veils typically only come in white or ivory!  

We all typically assume that the veil should match the gown but I am curious what you think?  Go for the mismatched look?  Try and find something that will match?  Or just give up and go with a fabulous hair accessory?  

So, with colored gowns being all the rage these days, I wonder what real brides are choosing in leu of veils.

HELP!
K-soon2be-W

Dear K,

You’re going to see some blue-ish black-ish dresses in this post.  Notice that none of them are wearing anything on their heads.  I’m a fan of keeping the area about the face and neck free and clear of extra pizzazz, when you’ve got a colorful gown doing all the work already.

But it’s your call, of course.  I can’t wait to find out what you decide!

Turning it over to you guys now… do you have any advice or suggestions for Miss K?  

Ok, SO!  The question in the title that asks, “would you wear one of these dresses…” is coming into play now.  It was Enzoani that turned out to be my top pick in the Miss Ultimate Supreme 2012 Bridal Market Dress Pageant, in the category of “colorful applique frocks.”  And you guys… I wish you could have seen this first one in person.

When I came upon it during bridal market I yelled out “holy crap you guys, this dress!”  Which was weird because I was alone at the time.  But anyway whether you love colorful wedding dresses or they’re not really your thing, it’s hard to ignore the radness of what’s happening below.  I’m curious: would you consider wearing a colorful dress on your wedding day?  Do you know anyone who has?

As a person who generally enjoys looking at things that encourage dopamine release, personally I’m a fan.

Some other pretties I took shots of:

Here’s some more professional-looking eye candy, sent over by Enzoani.  Now I want you to pay special attention to the first one because holy shit.  The first one.

omg!

ZOMG.

Sans the belly floof I am super digging this one:

AAAAAAHHHHHHILOVETHIS

Okie dokie, that’s about it!  What did you think of all these dresses?

By the way, if you happen to have any advice for Miss K, would love to hear it.

And: would you dare wear something other than white on your wedding day?  Really curious where you all stand on that issue.

kisses and hugs, guys.. and wish me luck today, please. :)

xx, Alison

 Runway shots: Enzoani, Instagram shots: m’self

GIRL TALK | Open Marriage: Good Idea or Bad Idea? PLUS: A Rustic Outdoor Wedding, & Way Too Many Puppy Pics.

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So I turned on the television yesterday, and that Survivor host guy Jeff Probst’s new talk show came on, because talk shows are the new book deal and book deals are the new fake tan (everybody’s got one).  They were coming up on a segment about “open marriage.”

I like to call this segment, SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH.    

Jeff referenced a story in the Times about a couple who got married and currently have an open marriage.  I’m paraphrasing here but what I want to get across is the gist of how Jeff set this up.  He referenced his index card and said: the woman had had sex before marriage, and when she got married she told her guy she wanted an open relationship, and he agreed.

Now… look at Jeff’s card, since he showed it to us when a panel member was like, “r u srs Jeff Probst.”

Sorry it’s blurry; it’s a shot of a tv screen with an iphone.  Interesting side note: Bambino had a weird bad reaction to Probst, unlike any I’ve seen him have before.  In fact he never barks at anyone/thing.  I had it paused on Jeff’s face to get a shot of the card, and when he noticed Jeff’s face he jumped out of sheer fright.  Then he started puppy growling at him, to let him know of his displeasure with his face.  Here, I did my best to capture it:

^ Him barking adorably ^

Anyway, the woman Jeff was talking about, who asked for the open marriage?  She wrote the article in the Times about how things are totally hunky-dory in her marriage and not weird in the least.  Secondly, the dude abides – as it says plainly on the card - out of fear that he would lose her.

This is the foundation upon which a happy relationship is built?

It reminds me of a lesson I learned on Real Housewives of Miami (shut up just go with it) when one of the ladies talks about life after a failed marriage.  Unlike the rest of the housewives shows, I like to watch the Miami one for the T and A factor, not the drama.  NYC and Bev Hills are good for drama, Miami is good for BUTT ANYWAYS…

This lady on the Miami show, she’s going through a divorce with a really unsympathetic partner.  He’s kind of a Douche McBaggins.  And she’s having a doubly hard time because she has to let go not only of her marriage, and the emotional support system she’s relied upon for more than a decade, but also of the partnered business she’s shared all these years with her now ex-husband.  The ex-husband who left her for a younger woman who “doesn’t yell as much,” something he unabashedly says out loud while she is in the room with him.  Terrible.  But anyway I don’t want to get carried away with HOW MUCH I HATE HIS SNARKY TREATMENT OF THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN, so I’ll just get to the quote from her, which she tells the camera through eyes that have cried:

“… [even though we're not together anymore] I know that at the end of the day, I will always be able to count on him.  And he knows that he will always be able to count on me.”

That’s all anyone’s ever wanted out of a relationship; the knowledge that they have at least one person that they can count on, as life ebbs and flows and we grow older and more aware of just how on our own we really are.

And, to tie it back to the Jeff Probst stuff I talked about earlier; the single behavior that we as a society have pinpointed as the most basic tenet of trustworthiness in a marriage, is sexual monogamy.  So knowing those simple truths about humanity, it begs the question:

Are “open marriages” really the future?  Or are they a complete and total farce, masking deeper interpersonal issues left unaddressed in relationships?

That was heavy.  I think it’s time for a french bulldog cooldown, form of:

My little brother, the dude I’ve lived really close to pretty much all my life, moved to Nashville this year.  He’s coming back for the first time this Thanksgiving and I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited to hug him in my whole life.  Didn’t realize how much I’d miss him.

In the spirit of all that, I thought I’d share a little from the going away party we all had for him earlier this year.  From Bambo’s perspective.  Starting from the car ride to the party, all the way through to the end of the party.  Hope you aren’t bored?  >>

When those conditions are not readily available, he is the embodiment of an overprivileged human child upon leaving Toys R Us without a toy.  I don’t see this kind of behavior elsewhere in our lives; just car.  And only when he *knows* we can see him.  Because of course.

Bambo makes his hatred of car rides very known. Anyway so we got to the going away party and Bambino met some family members he hadn’t really hung out with yet in his almost two years of life on Earth. Here is Bambino meeting one of his cousins:

Here he is, hanging with another cousin:

Here’s Bambino milling around the party from Person-with-food to Next-person-with-food:

The End.  The rest of it is just everybody enjoying a few cocktails and being inappropriate.  Sort of like the end of most weddings.  Which is why you don’t really need your photographer there the whoooole time. ;)

Onwards– to the wedding!

I’m in love with this wedding, you guys.  It was submitted by The Gemmers, and I fell in love the moment I saw the boutonnières.  The bride, Bonnie, spent years collecting the perfect vintage bits and pieces for their bid day.  She had a Man of Honor.  CONFETTI EXPLOSION.  Oregon State University’s official mascot made an appearance.  Oh, and one of the groomsmen?  He is well-versed in the musical sport of hip hopping, and wrote a rap for the couple… a complete surprise the day of.  Yep this is a quality wedding experience.

Here’s the stellar rundown from the lovely Bonnie:

I wasn’t one of those girls who grew up imagining the “perfect day” or the “perfect dress”; it just seemed to me that when I met the right person, those things would fall into place. That being said, once Matt proposed to me ALL of those things snowballed as I started to get more and more excited about our day: the details, the dress, the cake, everything. It’s easy to get carried away! One thing I held onto to keep myself centered was that Matt and I wanted our wedding day to be a celebration with our friends and loved ones. It’d be a day where we would get to combine all different circles of people we love and who love us so sincerely, gather them together, and have an absolute blast celebrating our love. We wanted the day to extend beyond ourselves and to celebrate the people in our lives that build us up, support us, and make our lives better for having them in it. It’s that very philosophy that made our wedding day an amazing celebration.

I’m absolutely in love with everything vintage and French garden-like, so I wanted the decor to be rustic, vintage, soft and pretty. I wasn’t focused on making things match; in fact, I asked the girls at Punch Portland (flowers and decor, they are absolutely wonderful) to avoid everything pink, satin, and matchy-matchy. They loved it. I started perusing antique stores and collected old bottles, antique books, even found some vintage valentines that were adorable. I got some girlfriends together and decorated wine bottles with the dinner menu for part of the centerpieces, and my amalgam of crafty creations, antique finds, and the beautiful flowers from Punch made for some really dreamy decor.

People say your wedding day will fly by and to make sure you remember it. It did seem to fly by, but I remembered everything. My favorite moments were when my Man of Honor (my best friend Josh) and Matt’s Best Man walked down the aisle together, arm in arm, when Matt and I surprised everybody by running down the aisle after our kiss (the pictures of that, and his excited face, are priceless!) the private moments Matt and I got to spend together, and the time during the reception when Mario, one of the groomsmen, surprised us with a rap he had written about us. He got the entire dance floor hopping and repeating the chorus, it was amazing!

One piece of advice I’d have for brides to be is to be sure and take some time with your photographers for a private photo session with your new husband. It’s so easy to get wrapped up with photos of family, especially when Great Aunt Maude or someone wants to have this photo and that one. Some of my favorite photos are of Matt and me, after the ceremony and before the reception, when we disappeared on our own and had some time to ourselves. Those moments are captured forever, and they’re perfect.

One last thing: never forget why you’re there – to marry the love of your life. When it comes down to it, whether it’s raining or the centerpieces aren’t just perfect, none of that matters! Enjoy the day with your new husband! :)

Ok!  So I’d love to hear your personal opinion on this friendlies..

1)  What do you think about the concept of an open marriage?  Cool idea or lame idea?  And do you think people who say it works for them are hiding something/being completely honest about it?  

And, if you’re up to delving even deeper into the psychological aspect of this…  What, do you think, drives someone to agree to an ‘open marriage’ concept, as the partner who is being asked to reevaluate his/her concept of an ideal sexual relationship?

2)  How lovely is this wedding?

xx!  - Alison

Photography: The Gemmers / Hair Stylist: Vanity Junkie / Caterer: The Wooden Nickel Catering Co / Floral Designer: punch / Heirlooms and extras: The Gemmers / Event Venue: Vineyardview Bed & Breakfast / Submitted via: Two Bright Lights

Random song recommendation:  Back Against the Wall, Euphoria, on: Precious Time

HEY GIRL: Are We Over Ryan Gosling Yet? Let’s Test It By Pouring Over This Shoot Inspired By “The Notebook”

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Just FYI-

If saving the world ends up being about me having to print out a document using my personal at-home printer, without assistance from others or an unlimited supply of printer paper on which to inexplicably mess up,

apologies ahead of time for your death.

You remember how Honey and I went to the doctor together last week for a couple’s appointment thingie? the only way anyone is able to get me to go to the doctor these days? because I’m so busy but actually it’s because I’m too afraid to get bad news?  This is about that.

I can’t get my printer I have at home to print.  The only thing I can get this printer to do is to continually sap my will to live.  The irony of this is not lost on me, since what I’m effectively trying to do here is print, sign, scan and email a release form to that doctor’s office so that they’ll be able to call Honey, instead of me, with what I’m scared is going to be bad news on the *continuing to live* front about the biopsies they took of some questionable freckles I had on ma body.  (Ok they are moles.  Btw- can we please start calling *moles* freckles? that would help me not to feel like a heretic witch from the 1500s, thx).

1600s?  I dropped out of AP History.  <== does this quality as a #humblebrag? if so I’m truly sorry.

I officially hate irony by the way.

I’ve never before been so afraid to get a result, and I’ve had to take like three pregnancy tests in the last five years so, I’m going pretty batshit crazy here.  A nurse would be able to spot an available vein from two miles away without the use of a zoom lens, is how fear-pale I am.  I am paler than I was in high school when the kids on the softball team told me I was so pale that my children are going to be see-thru.  If this were a video blog I would be 50 shades of fear-induced-paleness, talking about how to stay calm and attractive on your wedding day.  I would lose half of my readership with a single video.  As you can see I am in a mindset of worst case scenarios right now so, new topic?  New topic.

 

So you still into Ryan Gosling?

I didn’t think I still was.  Fact, I was convinced that my relationship with Ryan Gosling that only one of us knows about was officially over, and I had broken up with fantasizing about sitting on his face while he waxes romantic in a weird fake Brooklyn accent contrived to make him less ‘Canadian.’  A weird choice, since ‘Canadian’ is television’s official language.

And then something happened.  My Dad emailed me on Monday, November 12th letting me know it was Ryan Gosling’s bday, proving to me two things; that I have to get a handle on how often I work Ryan Gosling into my conversations with relatives, and that I am still TOTALLY INTO BABY GOOSE.

Take this engagement shoot inspired by the movie The Notebook, as tribute.

Not talking to you -I was talking to Ryan.  I’ll be home soon, Ry!  You’ll find me anywhere you are, except 25 steps behind and dressed in camo.  Because it’s STYLISH!  The ladies are wearing camo these days, it’s hip!  It is not because it allows me to stealthily track you while you travel from your home to the gym did I just say “track you” LOL.  LOL I’m not tracking you.  Wait why’d you stop walking?  Stop leaning on that phone booth and keep walking, there’s nothing to worry about.

Thanks goes to Tanya Yoganathan of Impressions by Annuj for submitting a lovely shoot that follows one strikingly beautiful couple as they play out the Ryan Gosling-related scenarios which have always brought me *particular* joy.  Where my uterus is.  And also, thank you for just generally stirring deeply emotional reactions in me, to two people I have never met not even once but to whom I will forever feel connected romantically because of the movie that is their session’s namesake.

Here’s what Tanya shared about their session:

When we asked Niroshan and Renetha if they wanted to do a creative concept shoot and they (well… Renetha) responded with an emphatic “yes!”, we were thrilled as these types of shoots are what we love to do. After asking Rene if she had any themes in mind, she had said “The Notebook”. Now we were elated as this is a shoot that we’ve wanted to do for a long time. We found out during that chat that “The Notebook” was the first movie that these two love birds watched together (how sweet!).

There were three scenes that we mainly concentrated on:
1) their first meet at the carnival (followed by their romantic dance on the street)
2) summer ice cream date (the scene where Allie smooshes some ice cream into Noah’s face)
3) the abandoned barn/house (where their love grew and Noah also later rebuilt)

Our team covered the research, styling and props and the make up and hair was done by Deanna Rose Lourenco.

We are very pleased with the end result and Niroshan & Renetha were amazing to work with; they were very easy going and left all of the creativity to us. Can’t wait to shoot their wedding in just a few months!

ENGAGE: MEETING AT CARNIVAL

This is when they have their first meeting at a carnival, and later dance very romantically on the street, turning all of us on.  For many, this is the first sexually-exhilarating encounter with the man, the myth, the legend.

The Gosling.

ENGAGE: SUMMER ICE CREAM DATE

I’s cream, you’s cream, we all’s cream for his biceps.

This is the part of the film when Allie smooshes Noah in the face with dessert, and I start dreaming about being the bit of ice cream that got into his mouth if there was any (need to brush up on my Notebook – clearly warrants a rewatch, tonight.  who’s with me oh ALL OF YOU, great!  Wow that fast, I’m excited!

.. Is there a Guinness World Record for number of women simultaneous reaching orgasm?  Can someone look into that please before we all watch tonight?

ENGAGE: ABANDONED BARN ENCOUNTER

Where their love grew, and where Noah rebuilt.

This is the part of the film when they’re chilling in a barnhouse and generally being attractive/shooting pheromones out of their face pores.

Ok babes.  Here’s my question:

Where are you at, as far as Mr. Ryan Gosling, the reigning Ultimate Supreme Princess of Long, Pregnant (and in some cases pregnancy-causing) Pauses & Also Bicep Strength?

Pick from the following or go rogue if you must…

a) not sure if I’m getting off as quickly/powerfully as I used to simply by imagining him in that scene in Blue Valentine when he was playing that game of peek-a-boo in between Michelle Williams’ legs

b) definitely still getting off as easily – I can’t even look a baby bird directly in the eye

c) I’m already onto the next brooding actor with a fake accent that, in a rare instance, I don’t even seem to mind

d) who is Ryan Gosling?

xx!  - Alison

Photography: Impressions by Annuj / Lovely couple: Niroshan & Renetha

Ryan Gosling images: 1, 2345, 67 8

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