“Omigod I can’t wait for the next episode!” – says no one ever.

Hello and welcome to your Knotty Bachelorette Recap, brought to you by sponsors Coke, coffee and sheer determination.  

“But wait, which episode am I reading about right now?  I’m on the east coast and the show started 15 minutes ago.”  You say (if you’re on the east coast).

Well.  As some of you may remember from the blog post that came immediately before this one, I mentioned that since TiVo’s efforts to [do the only thing we bought it to do which is to] record this episode of The Bachelorette were unsuccessful — much in the way that this show is unsuccessful in resulting in loving relationships despite that being its purpose oh wait no I’m wrong it’s PROFITS — I was forced to submit myself to the *every time you pause the show on abc.com we’re not going to let you take a screenshot of what you paused it on because instead we’re going to profit from a Pepsi ad*.  So I had to pause rewind pause rewind pause rewind a lot to catch blurry screenshots while the show was playing.  Ooh also, commercials are literally 100 seconds long now, between segments on The Bachelorette when you watch it on certain computer devices.  And they’re incredibly frequent.  So, if you’re like me and you have to pause rewind pause rewind pause rewind a lot to take pictures like I just mentioned, AND you can’t fastforward–you have to WAIT the 100 seconds every time–well, then, it’s a lot like dying.

So, maybe just think of this recap I painstakingly wrote and probably will die early from, as something to read in the hour(s) before Episode 7 airs, for those of you on Central or Pacific time.

Ok enough preface.

It was almost suspicious how literally *right after* I turned ON The Bachelorette, I immediately couldn’t take it anymore.  It was almost instantaneous this time.  It definitely kicked in sooner, as in *about a minute into the show* as opposed to *almost two minutes into the show*– Much in the way we’ll hear our friend Ryan describe Emily’s arrival a bit deeper into the recap.

So, we ‘copter down to–oops, sorry still kicking the habit from last season.  We… find ourselves?… in Dubrovnik, Croatia this week.  And then out of nowhere, the show pauses on Emily’s face.

As the story goes, I’m not sure if it was me, or Honey, or Bambino (or the now-assuming-human-form *thick looming awareness* of having been brought up better than this), who ultimately pressed the pause button that day.  I guess we’ll never know.  But I do remember a sensation of movement in my thumb downwards, as if to press a button on a remote control perhaps, and then a resulting release of dopamine into my system which brought on a serene calm.

Anyway, we’re all just sittin there with the show on pause, just staring at that mug of hers, and I’m tellin ya it’s a year if it’s a day.  If I owned cows, I’d have done it til they came home, just staring at that pretty face.

During this time I was also graced with an opportunity to learn the gentle curvature of her spine.

… The way her expertly highlighted locks cascade down her back caressing the nape of her neck, ever so gently-like.  The way she’s always so calm and maternal, and how it feels like she would be the kind of woman who would want to make me dinner every night before tucking me into bed.  The vista was nice, too.  I mostly liked the way it provided a rocky, jagged backdrop, to contrast the smooth toned musculature of her small, feminine frame, which is most likely tanned head-to-toe, like a good girl.

OMG SORRY, sorry you guys– that was Bambino who wrote that just now, he stole my keyboard.  He reeaalllyyy likes Emily.  Anyway he begged me not to erase it, so.  You understand.  Kids and their crushes.

We resume.  Within minutes we see Emily carrying her own luggage to a small apartment in the upper hill country, which you’ll probably recognize as the site where they shot the poverty-stricken-hometown scenes in Borat.

It’s just the harsh reality of what had to happen following the rampant overspending that went on, unchecked, during Ben Flaassjdhfgjdsihnik’s season.

In an idea that ABC reports focus groups found “only a little offensive,” ABC had planned to have Emily walk around in the company of seven dwarves, the likes of whom would perform such menial tasks for her as carting around her luggage up steep inclines, whistling while they did it, and just generally worshipping the ground she walked upon.

However, thanks to the aforementioned overspending on Ben “I store two of my tastiest grapes inside ma pants” Flajnik (mostly just doing damage control on that lawsuit brought by the artist who draws Francine on PBS’ “Arthur” cartoon.  See the basis of the case, below:

Right?  Too similar a look.  Ben is clearly biting Francine’s style.)

Anyway as I was saying, with the budget set so low this year (not to mention the fear that the other men, deeply insecure, would get jealous of the uneven time Emily gave to the dwarves), executives couldn’t execute the seven dwarves concept and so Emily was forced to carry her own luggage — sometimes up exceedingly rocky and dangerous terrain, to the various residences arranged for her by the show’s producers.  These places were often located in the rougher areas of the countryside (<== also linked to the overspending).

Interestingly, the Snow White & The Seven Dwarves concept for the season was the brainchild of AP Calculus professor and 0.6% stock holder in the Bachelor/ette series, Mr. Chrisbharrison… who pitched it as part of ABC’s new effort to gain a younger and more impressionable “Disney-obsessed” child viewership (and ultimately the reason they allowed Ricki onto the show).  It is worth nothing that Chrisbharrison was originally against Ricki’s proposed involvement in the season (since he hates most children, a little-known fact).  However, he eventually changed his mind about Ricki as a result of his research findings.  Findings largely based on his studies into the successful efforts of tobacco companies to appeal to younger generations of addicts via the creation of such things as cartoon mascots and chocolate/candy cigarettes.

So, if you were wondering what he does during all of that downtime in back alleys while rose ceremonies are being conducted, now you know the horrible truth.

EMILY STARTS TALKING ABOUT THE MEN

Emily tells us that she’s at a point in the process where she either “feels strongly about the relationship, or she has no clue.”  And that she wants “to figure out the relationships that I have *no clue* about.”  These are the moments when I feel almost willing to be flown to of all places CROATIA, just so that I can let Emily know that having “no clue about” your relationship is a good sign it’s not working out.  But then I remember that it’s mostly guys, not girls, who get that fact, and that it’s the sheer lack of awareness of this logic in the greater female population that ultimately makes books like “He’s Just Not That Into You” rise to and stay atop the best-sellers lists.  Buuuuuuut aaaaaaannnyyyywwaaaayyyyyyy…….

Travis’ idle toddlerish ramblings express something along the lines of a growing love for Emily.  A love that is slowly enveloping him head to toe in a thick sheet of casein, making it harder for oxygen to travel to his brain and ultimately resulting in one unprecedentedly wicked combined case of eye-to-bridge-of-nose-hyper-proximity and pupil dilation, or, cross-eyed largesse.  Putting his serious face on for a minute (not to be confused with his ‘happy, or ‘ironing a shirt’ faces; both similar almost to a tee) Travis says: ”This week was the turning point for me.  If I don’t get that date card, I’m PRRRROBABLY gonna pack it up and go home.”

I’m sure we all had a laugh about how much of a crazy lie that was, based on the fact that he’s obsessed with her.  But I can tell you that Travis did have an audition coming up back home for the role of Kenneth on 30 Rock, which is a joke I’m making about how his voice is so goddamned annoying.

EMILY SHOWS UP TO THE BOYS’ ROOM, I guess earlier than usual

RYAN: “In walks Emily out of the blue!  You know?  Usually… we have to wait some, time.  Before we get to see Emily.  So.  It was a good surprise.”

HONEY looks up from his computer and says: THAT guy’s aaa DOUCHE.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE, TRAVIS + EMILY

TRAVIS says: “It was IMPERATIVE that I got this date.  It was just like, Finally.”   lolz.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS DATE = “Aahm jus’ tryin ta’ figurout if we’s got any other kaaanduh connection… be-yonn jus’ frehh-yunds.” --Emily.

Btw, Emily says that while Travis is in the room–so, to Travis’ face.  Sooo.  I think– I say I say, I think Travis ain’t gon’ be’roouuund uh lat laaaawnguhhhrr, I say I say, he gohne.

Anyway here’s what happens: They go on a terrible date.  They move through this date as awkwardly as possible, do some things, most of which are boring; then this stuff:

Emily sees a stone that reminds her of Travis’ face, and she proceeds to read a story from an index card she quickly wrote up in an effort to make things more interesting.  She points to Travis’ reflection I MEAN the stone, sorry…

and says, “That, is called the Balancing Stone.  Legend has it that if you can stay on it, and be able to remove a shirt or jacket, then you’ll be lucky at love.”

This was the one rather unexpected moment in the date that Emily seemed sexually attracted to him and I have to be honest, it was HIGHLY UNSETTLING to watch.  She reeled it in quickly, for which I’m thankful.  But unfortunately not quickly enough because I fainted onto my macbook pro from a combined effect of the scene being too impossible and the heat from my computer having radiated too long into the tops of my thighs.

THINGS TRAVIS SAID ON HIS ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH EMILY:

TRAVIS: “noooooo.”

TRAVIS: AWWWWSUMMMMM!!!!

TRAVIS: “rrrrrEALLLYYYYYYY?”

TRAVIS: “YAAAYYYYYUHHHHH!!!!!!”

TRAVIS: “THAAAANKYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Travis soon tells the viewer that he wants the two of them to “exceed expectations, and have this wonderful life,” drawing a reference to all previous relationships on The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise– given how the producers, almost year after year with few exceptions, position the show’s Expectations Lever at the *KIM KARDASHIAN* level of relationship success.  (Decisions made about the show’s standards are done via the annual Round Robin Doubles Tennis Tournament, the winner of which gets awarded the right to single-handedly and arbitrarily select the moral standard for the show.  … and since it’s mostly guys, they almost always set it at *KIM KARDASHIAN* level.  Almost always.)

Emily’s assessment of their date

“he’s a good guy; nice guy; I can laugh with him… Travis is just, a good guy!  I have imagined myself with a guy like him.”  …… not HIM, though; a guy who I will meet later, perhaps back at the house on a NEW date.”

My final assessment of their date

Listen.  If it was my understanding that Travis went into this date having been told that he and Emily were entered into Croatia’s semi-annual Most High-Pitched Voice Pageant and that this date was for the division crown, then I’d say he really brought his A-Game because he was really fearlessly getting into that upper register.

But that is NOT my understanding, sadly.  And so that means that I have to give this date a sideways thumb and score it “Meh” on the scale of date success.  Which is a 1 to 10 scale.  :)

DATE OUTCOME:

DUH.

Travis: “It hurts… it is a different kind of hurt.” *CRIESSSSS*

Let me remind the audience, Travis just met Emily maybe A WEEK ago.  Maybe he’s referring to the way being rejected in front of a national television audience makes it different?  Worse I imagine?

Anyway Travis adorably tosses his umbrella like he wants absolutely nothing to do with it anymore, goes home, and then probably never goes on another date again because he is so bad at it.

A commercial comes on and then when the commercial’s over I’m like Little Jon and shout: “TWEEEEEEELLLLLVVE M.I.N.U.T.E.S. I.N.?????????  HOOOO-WHUUUUUUUUUTT?”

I pause the show to recoup my sensibilities and zest for life.  When I look back up from my computer I notice that it’s now 15 minutes in and I’ve hung my head in complete defeat for a total of three minutes.  Good.  We’re moving now.

LASTING LOVE REQUIRES BRAVERY DATE CARD ANNOUNCEMENT MOMENT (by the way there should probably be a drinking game for every time we’re forced to go through the motions of another meaningless ritual that contributes to this show being two hours NEEDLESSLY)

JefLessEff announces the date card and reads off the names… and when it comes to HIS name, he’s sure to let the manbevy know WHAT THE DILLYO.

 

FYI my alert to myself to put the picture of Jef pointing at himself right here was, “INSERT JEF DERPLY POINTING AT HIMSELFFFFFF.”  :)

SO, THE NAMES ON THE CARD ARE:

Jon, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris, Arie, probably more, maybe less but I’m not rewinding to find out

THE GROUP DATE BEGINS

They’re in a town square; she says, “Ricki and I like to go to the movies,” and so begins another test arranged to weed out the guys who aren’t ready to completely give up their lives to fit perfectly into Ricki’s and Emily’s as mostly homebodies who all sleep in the same bed together since Emily still nurses Ricki even though she can kind of talk (did you see?  She was in that crazy TIME Magazine article… No offense, moms who do that).

And then we are rudely subjected to a cartoon movie, in a bold move by the show’s producers to call us the dumbest most childish audience in America.

And then Emily transitions the boys to compete in a real life competition modeled after the movie they were just forced to watch in its entirety for sponsor money.  Sean is excited to compete.  I’m excited to see Sean compete.  I hope there is a high-jump part.  And a swimming part sponsored by Speedo.  And a naked part of the competition, too.

Chris loses my respect with the response: “not ONLY am I one of the FIRST people to watch the movie Brave, but we’re gonna also compete in the highland games!!!”  Come ON, Chris.  You aren’t getting a cut of that sponsor money, why are you selling it?

John gains my respect with the response: “costumes?”  I think John might be the first ever contestant to react in the most normal way possible to the weird dates they are forced to endure.

also… octuplets again, except MORER.

Arie comments: “we got to compete in a skirt again; this week a kilt, last week a dress.”

Folks, Arie makes a very prescient remark here; indeed, as some are starting to notice, Emily is imposing the skirt thing because she is in fact after the most emasculated man present and sees this as the most efficient route to him-her.  If she felt NBC was ready for a same-sex version of The Bachelorette (jesus when is it going to happen already?!!), she would have requested that a few girls be thrown into the mix.  But she wasn’t raised to act up, so.

So there are a bunch of guys and they’re all dressed in skirts, and Doug starts rattling off all the elements of true battle, having just completed the 3rd grade.  Swords, other stuff… (I wasn’t paying attention I’m a girl…) and then Chris starts in doing what he does best– being all kinds of boring and generally saying things that most accompany the various states of boredom and the having of it.

Arie, high, says more weird stuff.

CHRIS LET’S US KNOW HE IS IN THE COMPETITION, IN CASE WE FORGOT.  HE JUST WANTED TO LET US KNOW.  Aaaaand there it is, he’s disqualified.

Sean lists alphabetically his reasons for why he knows he’ll win the competition, and we believe every single one of them.  I pause to get a snapshot of his hot bod:

Turned on, we begin to hear Jef, now speaking like a Frenchman who has been living in America for no more than a year: “may-leesh? mayleaach? mey-uh-leige? I dunnooo… I don’t know.  How you say it.”  And it makes us want to make out with and swaddle him at the same time– a very confusing sentiment for all of us.

Sean feels confident he’ll win the competition, after he sort of wins everything.  But pitying Chris, Emily says gives him the braveness award and he accepts it thinking it’s actually for his bravery.

WHAT I TOOK AWAY FROM THE COMPETITION:

Sean is a very attractive man.  If you were asking me to *rate* him, not that you are but if I had to give you a number, I’d say that on a scale of 1 to 10 his muscles are at a Ryan Gosling level of vaginal stimulation.

Emily and Arie kiss and it is amaaaaaazeballs.  Like, their kisses are the embodiment of what people are trying to make when they try to make really sincere soft core porn for stay-at-home mothers.  Really sexy and romantic.

We then cut to Ryan, who’s getting ready in his dressing room.  He says, “Every day I wake up and ask myself, ‘Who do you wanna be today.’”

HONEY says: “that’s called Multiple Personalities.”

Emily arrives, and Ryan shows us why he won Top Sleaze at the Hawaiian Tropics Miami Sleazeball Competition of ’89.

JEF says: I want Ryan to die and I want Emily to help me kill him.  (said inside his mind)

CHRIS says: Ryan is a jackass.  He takes three hours to get ready.  He plucks his eyebrows and cuts his fingernails.

JEF imitates Ryan: “Just look at the positive things; the world’s an oyster and you’re the pearl.”  And the funnyness of his statement cannot be done justice in this write-up about it.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE, EMILY + RYAN

Ryan makes mention of ‘God,’ and that ‘He’ might have chosen Emily for him.  Oh goodness.  I’m so sorry, Christians.  I’m so sorry that he’s your representative this season.  Really, I’m so so sorry for you.

RYAN says to Emily: “every man wants a trophy.”

EMILY says to Ryan: “that’s very sweet of you!”

EMILY says to Us: “I go back and forth on him, hourly.”

Emily, something tells me that this might have been your problem with Brad Womack.  Do you realize that you seem to be in the habit of telling a guy one thing, but thinking inside yourself something completely different from what you told him out loud?  You should have that checked out by a professional.  It could change your life.

There is a commercial and it is a Shingles commercial.  Of all things.  The skin disease immediately conjures thoughts of Arie, and whether he’s doing ok.  All of a sudden the commercial says “If you had chicken pox as a kid, the Shingles Virus is ALREADY INSIDE YOU.”  OMG?!?!!!?  I immediately start worrying about my impending sexual assault by the Shingles virus, which is apparently imminent.

Aaaaaaand we’re BACK FROM COMMERCIAL and no sign of Shingles in my canal.  I release my kegel, but like it is with kegels, I am left with a very uncomfortable sensation in my hoo-hoo.  The reason I hate doing kegels.

Emily’s date with Ryan continues, and it’s pretty hard to watch.  Until Ryan takes out The List.  Then it becomes amazing.

“12 THINGS THAT ARE QUALITIES THAT I WOULD LIKE IN MY WIFE,” by Ryan, as recited to Emily.  Totally seriously.  Which evidences two things about Ryan: #1, that Ryan has dated exclusively unstable women hellbent on tearing him down, and #2, that Ryan is the absolute  f**king worst. kind. of man.

The List, in Ryan’s words:

1. “loyal.  stands by me no matter what.”
2. “a girl who is logical; not a girl who is overly emotional.  A girl who thinks before she reacts in situations.”
3. ? skips ?
4. “an encourager.  always lifting me up and not ridiculing me.”
5. “faithful.”
6. “a nurturer.”
7. “confident.”
8. “magnetic.”
9. “somebody that people are drawn to — and I think you have that!”
10. “somebody that loves to laugh.”  (but not at me; keep in mind Number 4)
11. (which he calls #8 for some reason)… “somebody that’s assertive.”
12. (9.) “unselfish.”
13. (10.) “beautiful.”
14. (11.) “sexy personality.” AND THEN…
15. (12.) “loves to catch my eye.  Now ya see I think that’s important.  See that one came last and I… I kinda did it in bold.”

Emily explains herself to Ryan, saying: “HEMM, HAWW, HEMM, HAWW, HEM…. and that is why I can’t give you the rose tonight.”  Always one to jump at an opportunity to be redundant, Ryan says: “That is very shocking; because I didn’t see that coming.”  UHH-DOYYY.

RYAN’S EXIT SPEECH

While inside the Limo of Shattered Dreams, Ryan gives a final interview, where he compares himself to the greatest men alive, and shares that he’s “been blessed with very many worldly gifts ” and he goes on a bit before finally arriving at: “I hope that when you guys all cut this up, I just pray and I hope that I am portrayed as who I am.  …Instead of as an arrogant ass.”

I think by including his entire soliloquy in the episode, it was a two birds with one stone kinda deal.  Very well executed, team-of-people-who-sit-in-the-limo-and-record-other-peoples’-most-embarrassing-life-moments-for-a-living.

Meanwhile, now jaundiced and having asked the paramedics to let him do his interview outside of the ambulance, Arie starts to talk and I have little desire to hear it.  Because by the time I’m seeing this part of the show, I’ve already seen the previews of the moment TONIGHT when we find out Arie played an extended game of “Just The Tip” with one of the show’s producers.  Not only that, but the woman happens to be a close companion of Emily’s.

I just got super into this season, y’all.

Next Arie, now definitely fighting something…

… decides to stop by Emily’s place after her sucky date with Ryan.  They do shrooms to take the edge off and while in bed they start to speak in philosophical truisms such as “you’re YOU!!!!” and, “I AM!!!!!”  This is around the time I fully start to hurl up my Green Monster Smoothie, but because my revulsion to the show is becoming so intense, the barf doesn’t simply trickle to the floor, it SHOOTS OUT and I end up line-driving the entire contents of my smoothie right into Bambino gigantic waiting hatch.

(Reenactment; the rope is supposed to portray the throw-up:)

Anyway it’s going to set us back AT LEAST two weeks, in our effort to train him to start eating more of his unappetizing (but very healthy) kibble and less holding out for treats.

Next up, Arie kisses Emily, but unlike most times where it’s pleasant and erotic, this time it’s horrifyingly unwelcome because I’m so worried she’s going to catch whatever he’s dying from.  Arie then declares “I could ask that girl to marry me.”  Which is sweet, but we’re sort of indifferent because we’re more concerned about what appears to be that worsening case of Anemic Shingles he’s developing, which is really starting to show through his epidermis, you guys.  His ghastly appearance is even starting to frighten nearby children; a death sentence for Arie if Emily continues turning these dates into opportunities to test babysitting skills.

OH MY GOD.  I just realized.  Arie’s not DYING, he’s just not tanning as regularly as the others.  Ah-HA!  I’m so used to an evenly tanned bevy!  So silly.  So Arie’s just pale, phew!  Now we can all continue not giving a s**t either way.

We return from commercial at 1 hour 40 minutes in, which is just in time for John to inform us that “the roses NOW are extremely important, and if you don’t get a rose you’re going home.”  John, a little demented, misspeaks, forgetting that it’s actually the case that ALL of the roses up until this point have been extremely important, as they are necessary for entry to each subsequent round of the competition.

An understandable mistake; Professional Captain Obvious Chrisbharrisonface asks during casting that all contestants be low scorers in math, as he prefers a captive audience for his lectures on date and rose ceremony procedure.

Emily sits down with John on a bench, and they talk.  Noticing conversation is dragging, John talks about his grandpa and grandma’s funeral cards, in an effort to bring back the excitement.  It’s his clutch move and it works.

CUT TO — Doug and Emily sitting down to talk, and Doug falling all over her like a newborn baby fumbling around trying to find its mother’s nipple.

Emily lectures Doug on how to be attractive to her.  It involves not being in any way the way he is.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME

I think Chrisbharrison is supposed to show up for the rose ceremony but I’m not sure… no no, wait… ok yup he’s there.  He always makes it just-in-time.

Emily, still dressed the part, enters the room to start sending some of these fools home.

She’s wearing head-to-toe sparkle, and looks the way I imagine I would have looked if my mom had thrown me into a dance competition in 1986.  All razz-mattazz.

Emily starts giving guys roses.  But quickly runs into trouble making decisions.  She wonders if there’s anything that can done about it, and starts looking for Chrisbharrisonface, who’s been out back lecturing one of the producers on the importance of not having sex with the contestants.

When Emily comes out Chrisbharrison yells “HEY WHADDYA DOIN.”  But then remembers he’s being filmed and brings it down a notch.

She keeps a bunch of guys whose names include John, and it is in this moment that men everywhere discover a brand new move in the “grandparent funeral card pull-out when she’s drifting.”

Oh by the way ABC, I was wondering: since we know Emily won’t get a healthy relationship out of this experience maybe she can at least be signed by ABC for a brief game-show-hosting opportunity?  Or tour tickets to Dolly Parton?  So she can walk away with something for having had this experience (since it won’t be love, most likely)?  Lemme know what you think.

And lemme know what YOU think of my dumb ass spending ENTIRE DAYS writing this recap using an iphone, a constantly moving screen, and my sheer determination not to miss recapping Episode 6 even if it WAS a week later right before the next episode.  (Also, sorry.)

xoxo!  - Alison

Oh P.S. -

Can you believe that s**t???!!!