Yeah so I just thought I’d start off this post with some cheery pictures a la up top from the last few days, since we’re about to get into some heavy shit here.
One more pic for the road, below; it’s a couple of personally-meaningful presents I got for my sister. She has two kids and therefore no time to read the blog/find out early so I risk nothing by sharing with you. Winning! (Trying to bring back “winning” – is it working? No? It’s not working ok fine.)
So. I’m UHHHHH.. I’m not sure if you’ve been keeping track here but… Thanksgiving is Thursday.
I know most of you knew that. I just wanted to make certain everybody is aware. And I imagine at least 5-25% of my readership is comprised of meth-addicted social pariahs who steal distant neighbors’ unlocked wireless connections and read the blog from bunkers situated on the outskirts of modern society, where they live free of the dictatorial rule of government calendars and forced family celebration days.
Somebody got here once with a search for “christmas meth,” so I’m not just pulling this out of my ass or something.
But forget that. This post is supposed to be about holiday fighting. Let’s begin, especially since I have a pressing question for you:
When it comes to the holidays, are your feelings best expressed by this mannequin?
Or are you more like a sad, unfulfilled and anxiety-riddled dog, relentlessly wanting “ups” when he’s just lodged his own foot in his own poo?
Tell me: Have you and your partner already gotten the arguing out of the way, regarding where you’re going to spend the holiday this year? Or are the two of you popping anxiety pills while you wait for the other one to bring it up?
Or, do you have it all figured out and everybody’s feeling pretty happy? If so SHARE YOUR SECRETS, WITCH.
Here’s the funny thing about holidays: they are not what they purport to be. Take Thanksgiving for example. Correct me if I’m wrong, but Thanksgiving walks around with this swagger, as if it invented the word thankfulness. It’s all “let’s give thanks” and “this is a time for family togetherness” and “eat three pieces of pie, you’re allowed, it’s me T-Give!” And such, and then some, and whatnot. And really, it shouldn’t be that hard to give thanks on this one day that was created in its name, AMIRITE? I mean it’s even called Thanksgiving; they spelled it out for you!
I’m being silly, I know. But think about it– consider the fact that holidays, by definition, are designated *family disappointment* days. The only question is: who will you let down this year? Will you let down your family, by coming late/not at all this year? Or will it be your partner’s family who you’ll inevitably let down in some way? And will you be able to come to that decision about the nature and severity of the let-downs you’ll be inflicting upon cherished loved ones in a calm and civilized manner? Or will you try it that way at the start of the conversation but inevitably end up replacing the windows on Passive Aggressiveness Manor? And, when all is said and done, will you have arrived at a plan that satisfies exclusively one of you, or neither of you sufficiently, or better yet neither of you at all, and not one person in the whole family tree is happy despite obvious sacrifices made on all parts?
So yeah. It can be *a little tough* to remember the holidays are about closeness, family time, and being thankful for what we do have. But that’s ok! It’s ok. Really, it’s only natural. If you didn’t get a little angry, or sad, it would mean that you don’t really care about potentially letting down people you care about, or who care about you. It’s one of the oldest problems in relationships, and it’s probably never going to go away. It’s actually never going to go away, sorry I was giving you false hope there, my bad. Until we invent affordably-priced hologram machines and can beam Tupac into every American home ocean to ocean, all we can be responsible for is ourselves. Being humble, thankful human beings and doing our best to make others and ourselves sufficiently happy.
That’s understandable… the holidays can be a rough time. And really, no amount of me, a random girl on the internet, talking about it is going to help the fact that Thanksgiving and every other big holiday at that, can be wrought with conflict…
… so to help you feel a little bit better, I’ve listed out a few of the worst things I can think of – body-wise – that to me are far worse than the dreaded where-are-we-going-for-the-holidays decision-making process. Here they are, in no particular order (because each is as bad as the last):
1. Having to make a speech to an audience, and feeling the diarrhea fairy leaving a present in your colon 5 minutes before you have to go on stage.
2. Showering in anticipation of sexual intercourse, and having to poop the moment you step out.
3. The poop in #3 not being a clean pinch.
4. Having to fart, whenever you are not alone.
5. Having to stop a poop prematurely, for any reason at all.
6. Your ex-boyfriend’s roommate walking in on you peeing, because his bathroom is cleaner than your boyfriend’s.
7. Feeling the urge to make an unpredictable poop 10 minutes before a first date. Also: having to make the decision to release it, or power through and hope for the best. (This decision is made easier if you do not practice *putting out* on the first date. Which makes me realize: if I have a daughter, I will be cooking her a 4-course-meal one hour before every single first date for the rest of her life.)
8. Having to poop anywhere between the beginning of the second date, thru until the current year of your relationship because that shit never stops being annoying.
9. Having to make on a roadtrip, when the road is a flat, wide open and heavily traveled 2-hour stretch, devoid of bathrooms.
10. Being the criminal who gets his police interrogation filmed by a documentary film crew, and then afterwards having to poop into a machine. A little out of place but I was watching a drug documentary and having to poo in a drug loo that separates trafficked drugs from your excrement has got to be up there among Hugest Drags in life. Sorry, criminals.
The DrugLoo! Something that exists in this world. #themoreyouknow #rainbowgraphic
(Ok, now: consider reading that list over, but this time with the knowledge that all but one of these things have happened to me. Guess which one I got to avoid? Go ahead, guess.)
So with all of that in mind, here are the two pieces of advice I have for you this week:
Drink more water, it helps. And at least try to loosen the fuck up. Aright?
I’m curious to know how you guys handle the holidays–
What do you do when the holidays roll around, and you have to make those plans? Is it tough? What have you decided?
xx! - Alison
P.S. – Love ya! Happy T-Give!
P.P.S. – Bambino says he loves you. He made me tell you that. He also made me take this picture of him and put hearts around it (all his idea).
