Someone needs to go and tell these women to start emoting on this show. I feel like all I see are poker faces.
Let’s start this off with something fun. I had a drinking game suggestion while live tweeting the show, which was to drink every time someone says something along the lines of “I could THROW. UP.” I’d love to hear if you have any of your own.
By the way what does David Gray make off of these song uses? Does anybody know? Because whoever’s paying him should have to double it. His songs have become mere laughable shadows of their formerly meaningful selves.
Okie dokie Smokey. Hello and welcome to the proper beginning of this week’s recap of The Bachelor, Mambo Number Five. It is approximately 9:15PM EST and I am christening this, The Day I Fully Started to Regret Doing These Bachelor Recaps in the First Place and Wish I Could Stop But at This Point It Has Become Bigger Than Myself and So I Have No Control and Just Need to Go With It and Learn to Comfort Myself with Ben’s Delicious Wines out of the Sonoma-Area. Ahhh, yes… you can just *taste* the lack of emotion that goes into the making of this wine! It is remarkable in its completele absence of dreams fulfilled and love requited!
CUE the first track an intern could find off of a Latin-themed Pandora radio station on his computer and we’re here, WE’RE IN… PUERTO RIIICOOO!!! (I know you just said that as stereotypically as possible.) Ben, now legally blind, and having had to borrow a pair of special sunnies from his Nana before the trip because they couldn’t get his prescription sunnies to him on time, tells us that this is where “it starts to get serious.” You guys, it wasn’t serious back there, back in all of those previous episodes. He was totally just effing around to get us riled up. I’m relieved to hear this news, because it explains all of his behavior up to this point, and feeling charitable, I wipe his slate clean. IT’S GAME TIME, and Ben is here to play.
This is also the first time that Ben decides, for once, to describe how beautiful this land is, and how he’s excited, and that things are gorgeous, and that the grass is nice here, and also, too, the weather… it’s pretty nice.
Ben’s hair does NOT agree. This face…
… says to us, “no one is going to feel left out.” You guys, I’ve been waiting, season after season of The Bachelor, for someone to choose “all of them” and with this episode it’s looking like dreams… they really DO come true sometimes.
“… it seems like an aMAZing place to fall in love,” Emily tells us, goaded on by the interviewer to talk about whether or not major sponsor of the show, Puerto Rico, is a great place to fall in love. You’re doing great, Emily. As long as you don’t start talking behind Puerto Rico’s back to Hawaii, I think you’re gonna make it out of this vacation with your head firmly attached to your body.
Which reminds me, as long as Emily doesn’t start comparing herself to Court–ahhh ok it just happened, just now. Emily keeps doing it wrong, you guys.
FUN FACT, IF I MAY: I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir on this one but I need Emily to figure out that one has to focus on one’s relationship with someone, and let everything else fall away. Comparing one’s relationship to another girl’s is the dumbest thing that I, Alison, have ever heard girls do.
Oh, AND ANOTHER THING. Most of you are at least superficially familiar with my Nutella obsession. Yes? Yes. Now, if I was an idiot, I’d go and feed my frenchie alternating spoonfuls of this tangible Heaven, because why shouldn’t he delight in what brings me joy? But the thing is I’m probably NOT an idiot, and so I read up on puppy-raising when we got Bambino and pretty much all the materials I perused advised not to feed dogs chocolate unless you want them to stop doing that “living” thing they do. Why did I read up? Because I have a brain. And so, seeing as Emily is getting her PhD in a real area of study unlike Elyse, you’d think Emily would have boned up a bit on how not to act around a guy who has a 24-hour-boner pointing like Spin the Bottle towards Courtney’s mouth. You’d THINK.
But you’d be wrong. Your first mistake? Thinking at all, with regard to anything that transpires on this show ad infinitum. Ok, now that you’re equipped with the necessary tools to continue on this journey… (and by ‘equipped with the necessary tools, I mean stripped of them…)
SCENE: GIRLS ARRIVE AT VILLA–OH WAIT IT’S A ONE BEDROOM CLOSET… IT IS??
The girls get really excited about the boiler room in which they’ll be sleeping, all of them piling onto the bed, nearby sofa and each other, with unbridled vigor and girl-on-girl contact.
We all pray to the Bachelor gods (I hear Bentley and Pauly Shore are among them) that it will become the girl-on-girl scissoring fest we naturally imagine it to become, when this happens…
It seems promising, but we’re left high, and we’re left dry. As well as blue… where it counts. This guy over here knows what I’m talkin’ about. #pointstomemberofaudience
Hearing Chrisharrison’s voice, the ladies exit the maids’ quarters, ass-first.
CUE the entire world exploding into screams of “COURTNEY’S WEARING A ‘BE NICE’ SHIRT??!!! WTF?!!” I, on the other hand, was very excited, because I lent her that shirt; I ironed on the roses myself and hand-picked the gothic, drippy typeface because do you not see how that typeface makes the shirt uber ironic? Can you not see that? Is it– it’s just me? Just–only Courtney and I see it? OH WELL F**KBALLS.
Courtney tells the lens of a camera that if Emily steps to her this time around, she will detonate an embarrassment-bomb planted directly on top of her face, until she has passed away from sheer embarrassment… or from the machete wounds; we’ll never know. Courtney is mentally prepared to leave Emily’s bloody, decapitated and fully embarrassed head on the floor of the girls’ tiny basement apartment in Puerto Rico. Post-decapitation, she will not hesitate to scream obscenities into her squirting throat. Keepin’ it goin’.
Chrisharrison jumps out of the hot air balloon he rented for the day which floats away just in time to make it look like he has achieved human flight – something that’s become important to him whenever he’s in front of the girls for whatever reason – and proceeds to apprise the bevy of the obvious facts of overwhelming obviousness that everyone already knows, but probably forgot because let’s face it they aren’t on this show to remember things. They’re here TO WIN BEN’S COMPLETELY NON-SEXUAL LOVE! And what a prize that is.
Next, Chrisharrison shows us how NOT to wear a diamond solitaire engagement ring, and that is: ON YOUR MAN HAND.
The respect I once had for Chrisharrison rapidly drains from my body, this egregious error in judgment to blame. Then Chrisharrison, fanning the ladies with his bejeweled right forefinger as if to say, “NOTICE MY RING! ASK ME ABOUT HOW HE PROPOSED!” proceeds to tell the ladies such things as, “as you know” and then proceeds to tell them what those things that they already know, are. Because although they may nod that they know…. they don’t knooowwww, they don’t.
After explaining that roses are important because they mean you get to stay, and that NOT getting a rose typically results in going home… upon his departure he utters, “Ladies… try and enjoy this.” Aright? Aright, ladies? Ladies, PLEASE. PLEASE TRY. PLEASE TRY TO ENJOY THIS.
BEHBEH, SHE’S GONNA BE SICK
Somebody whose name I’m forgetting gets up to read the date card, and it’s in Spanish. Casey S. looks like she’s going to black out from confusion, and if “HUH??” had a physical manifestation you could look up in the dictionary, it would be a picture of her face. Meanwhile, our LITTELS MCBEHBEHKINS looks like she is gonna be sick. She says, “if Courtney gets the one-on-one date, aahhhhm goannuh be sayack.”
She goes on to add, “she’s not a good person, hopefully Ben sees it.”
Sorry, babe.
Turns out there is a God Courtney does NOT get the one-on-one date card, but is again irritated that she isn’t getting every single one, because she doesn’t seem to understand that she has not yet won, and that there are human beings around her and that it isn’t coincidental, that they’re there. See, when you live in a dreamworld constructed inside of your own mind, you can easily forget that other people exist, and that they require your kindness and respect. It’s hard to remember, I know, Courtney.
COMMERCIAL
I notice that there are two shows– The River and The Chew, being advertised and I go to take pictures because I sense a joke about band names for tv shows coming on (gimme a break it was in early development) and I snap a shot of one of them:
And then I notice in the picture that it says I’m 7 minutes in and I black out from unstoppable dismay. When I come to, I promise myself that I will not document every. single. mockable. moment. of. this. two. hour. show.
BACK FROM COMMERCIAL
Puerto Rico looks great on Nicki. She’s coming off as especially datable, and I immediately engage some high hopes for her. I begin to pray that she doesn’t f**k this up with talking.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE – BEN + NICKI
Nicki is obsessed with Ben. Which is fine, it’s fine! BUT NO REALLY SHE NEEDS TO GET THAT S**T IN CHECK.
BEN: “[Nicki is a] total sweetheart. Excited to spend the day with her. I think it will go extremely well. We both have feelings for one another, and I think this date is going to be a good indicator of where I can see this going.”
“I’m gonna be very laid back, low-key” he says. Then, as they approach a food stand, Ben aggressively shouts out something like RAWGAHHHPAHHS or something in Spanish, and it’s apparently “piragua” which is Puerto Ricoan for a delicious, if slightly phallic shaved ice equivalent of a fully erect member. But WHATEVER, WHATEVER, it’s something unintelligible to me, and it is as unintelligible as it is EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE to Nicki’s face… as if he can’t control the volume of his own voice. Then I start thinking about Austin Powers, and then I move to thinking about mojo, and then I think to myself, “Ben is sorely lacking in that arena.” That’s right around the time that Honey, staring into his laptop, says, “I don’t think Ben has sex.”
When it counts, Honey and I are totally on the same wavelength.
I call this next part: UH-OH IT’S RAINING!
Nicki impresses me when it starts raining and she DOESN’T immediately start relating Mother Nature’s process of condensation and evaporation to Mother Nature’s process of Nicki falling in love with Ben and having his babies and then she effing DOES do that, saying “nothing can rain on this parade!” and I *loudly sigh* on a scale of 1 to 10.
Ben and Nicki spend 45 minutes jogging around Puerto Rico looking for shelter. Why are there no roofs in Puerto Rico?!! Puerto Rico should get some roofs and yes I totally wondered for a second if you spell it “rooves” because this show is systematically bringing down my IQ, but in such small increments that it’s hard to track that it’s actually even happening, until I do something like think you spell roofs, “rooves.”
Waxing arrogant chauvinist, Ben shares that he is delighted that Nicki “goes with the flow” and “rolls with it,” having instead expected her to start screaming like a banshee and melting into the grou–I mean, what is with this guy and his weird-ass assessments and deductions about women? Ben seems to have determined that her general distaste for standing out or up for herself is something he can see marrying and staying with, down the road. That’s only because Ben is such an awesome guy!
Having dried themselves off in a novelty clothing store for off off off Broadway productions performed in Puerto Rico community theater (see I told you it was off off off), Nicki and Ben emerge from the shop dressed to the ones. Clearly in costume, the couple appears to be getting into character to rehearse lines for their upcoming roles in a modern day stage production of the hit movie El Cantante, a Chrisharrison side project. Little known fact: ABC execs pay Chrisharrison in gum. I know, crazy, right? But not so crazy when you count up the total minutes Chrisharrison appears on the show. He’s less there as a host, and more there as a sort of guide dog for this remedial math class of young, low-achieving women.
Another fun fact: the husband and wife roles were formerly played by Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez, who, get this, literally formerly played the roles of husband and wife IRL. You can’t write stuff like that. And while I cannot say that I have seen any early cuts or insider reviews yet, I am 1000% certain that Nicki and Ben will bring a new dignity to the film.
OH– OH S**T– OH S**T OH NO– THERE’S A WEDDING GOING ON, OH F**K
It’s true; there’s a wedding going on. Ben and Nicki make the right choice and sit down as close as humanly possible to it, drawing attention to themselves and away from the bride. … Did we expect less?
The bride is so startled and disturbed by this that her limbs become like jelly, and she can hardly get up those three and half steps to the church doors. Seriously, she really dragged ass up those stairs, you guys. It was so weird. All of her less fit relatives were staring down at her wondering what’s taking so long.
Anyway, seeing all of this wedding stuff, and having died as a result, Nicki rises above her flesh in what is clearly an out of body experience after suddenly realizing that two people who are not her and [insert any guy willing to marry her] are getting married within 20 yards of her and [really, any guy].
COMMERCIAL / WE’RE BACK!
And not a moment too soon, because, as we can figure from that sexy Latin strumming, it seems the Gypsy Kings’ rendition of “Hotel California” is what’s playing us back in from commercial, and that must mean that any moment now, John Turturro is going to make a surprise cameo in his role as The Jesus in The Big Lebowski. I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS YOU GUYS. The crowd (aka, the voices in my head) go wild, and I get almost as excited about what I’m about to see as Lindzi gets about heleecoptewrs. Alas, this insane dream sequence does not pan out for me, and instead it’s Ben and Nicki walking somewhere and I WANT TO DIE because I can’t believe I’m still watching this drivel. I soldier on.
BEN: She’s beautiful, I like her. He also says, “when I saw that wedding going on, I thought to myself, I don’t think I’m ready to get… engaged.”
Oh. Oh ok, great! Nothing to point out here. Should be smooth sailing going forward…
Except GET THE F**K OUT, because did he just say out loud to that lens on that camera, that he felt a sudden apprehension about becoming engaged? Unless the latter bit of that statement was courtesy of creative editing… WTF, are you doing, Ben, what are you doing, why are you on this show. GET OFF THE SHOW. HEED YOUR FEELINGS.
Choosing to ignore those feelings I was hoping he’d heed, Ben says: “I need to find out… what went wrong (aka what’s wrong with Nicki).”
NICKI: “I saw that wedding happen and I thought, omigod, I want that again. I want those feelings I had; to be excited about walking down the aisle with somebody… aaand I want that again. It wasn’t all bad, but when you realize your vision of your marriage is not what you’re seeing happen…” ”We were just two different people when we got married…. things were going on… I was really stressed…. this time around, if I grow, it’ll be WITH somebody…”
Ok, great. I really have nothing more to say on Nicki. Except for she’s emotionally ill-prepared for an adult relationship and should work on herself a bit first before jumping into anything involving another human being.
GROUP DATE CARD ARRIVES TO BEVY
Elyse almost pops a cap on a bitch until the group date card arrives. The card reads: ”Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.” Ok who’s goin’ on dis bitch? NAMES ARE ANNOUNCED…
Lindzi
Courtney “I’ll slit your throat; I’LL DO IT…” The Model
Ginger Jennifer
BEHBEH
“The Smart One” LOL
Rachel “pack-a-day” McGee
Casey S
Jamie (who?)
Blakely
Blakely’s upset, because she had been planning on showing Ben a “fun side, and a romantic side.” If she had gotten the one-on-one date, I would have suggested that she focus much more heavily on showing him the fun side– wait, “Fun Side” is the not-sexual side, of the two options… right? Whatever. Just, whichever side isn’t the “Imma jump on it” side is the right side to focus on, Blakely. NO MATTER, Elyse is the lucky lady left out of the group date so WHATEVAH.
BACK TO ONE-ON-ONE WITH BEN + NICKI
Nicki tells us that she’s so happy that “it really CAN be perfect.” Nicki considers being a contestant in a competitive love-acquisition show with what could very possibly be the first ever Bachelor Eunuch, “perfect.” They’re a funny thing, standards.
COMMERCIAL
Lady… and the Tramp. A commercial for a throwback to the best of childhood animation makes its way into this episode of The Bachelor. That was excellent ad placement, executives. Was that one for me? You have no idea how much I appreciate your gift. It is nothing if not completely apropos and I applaud you. It is one thing to mock another’s programming, but to mock one’s OWN, on one’s OWN NETWORK? That is another level to which we should all aspire. I clink my champagne glass, higher than anyone’s, and I tip my hat to you, ABC Execs.
BACK FROM IT!
We’re met with the bevy, en route to their “diamonds are a girl’s best friend”-themed date. Historically, date cards are perfectly literal descriptions of the actual dates they are describing, so I bet they’re all on their way to Scrooge McDuck’s money pit, except the money has been replaced with sharp, jagged-edged diamonds and the girls are going to have to find their favorite and then he’s going to marry all of them! OOOHHH I can’t wait. But, in an interesting turn of events, they arrive… at a baseball stadium. Release the collective sigh of overwhelming sadness. Emily tells us that she was a little disappointed because since that’s what the date card said, she kind of assumed that there would be some jewelry involved in this date.
OK, is Emily really getting her PhD? or is that bullshit. Seriously. It’s like she’s actively trying to be the devil’s advocate on the topic of her intelligence and she’s winning against herself.
Next, Lindzi talks to us, her bangs having fully enveloped her face at this point. She is only bangs, nothing but. We can’t even SEE HER FACE, through her bang cloud.
Ben sees the ladies warming up, and remarks that Jennifer is the “best baseball player he’s ever seen” because Ben doesn’t watch baseball or know what it is.
Allofasudden Chrisharrisonface appears out of thin air in the middle of this veritable “Field of Dreams.” The bevy can’t wait to find out what’s happening, and we expect Chrisharrison to tell the women that “if they build it, Ben will love them more” or something funnier than that. But what, pray tell, is actually happening? Oh only a fight-to-the-death cage match in which only the last man standing wins the ros– oh. DAMNIT it’s not that. It’s totally a baseball game and only the winning team is going to get the chance to stroke Ben’s itty bitties during what we can already assume is the far better evening portion of this date.
Waxing success, and already the self-appointed VIP (hardy harr harr, I know) Blakely tells us that “she can literally taste it.” She can literally taste victory– and it’s a pineapple-cotton blend with a touch of missed opportunities and patchouli. I mean… I just…. this show is a cake walk to mock. You guys I can’t be expected to grab every opportunity for a s-mock-down, aright. I mean, I have chores, and I… there’s a life to be lived out there.
Note: Emily is taking this extremely seriously and I expect little to nothing from her, athleticism-wise.
COMMENCE HELPING-MEN-FEEL-BETTER-ABOUT-WATCHING-THE-BACHELOR LADIES’ BASEBALL GAME
You know all those vocabulary words you learned in high school, preparing for your SATs? All those words you thought you’d never get to use in real life? I feel like this show is my useless vocabulary mecca; the girls’ reactions to everything are SO INCREDIBLY HYPERBOLIC IN NATURE, SO MAGNIFICENTLY EXTREME IN EMOTION. Their reactions require extreme words, befitting of their utter uhhh, ummm, their utter extreeeeeme-ness! (Sorry I didn’t study enough for my SATs.) Speaking of SAT studying… you guys, I feel like Courtney shows some serious avarice when it comes to Ben. AMIRITE. Ava. Rice. (Haha, that’s how we all learned it!)
Ok, THE GAME. We are greeted by a bevy of women in skin tight polyester blends spanning the visible-color spectrum wheel, and Honey says, “they’re all wearing my favorite outfit.”
As we’re launched into this “date,” the intense, enduring, climactic music instructs us to feel very anxious about this baseball game and what its turnout will be. We are spellbound by the action-lack and I swear to God it’s like I was in the theatre watching Braveheart and I am sweating through my spellboundne–
ok ew, no. I absolutely hate it when people say “skin of our teeth.” It is so icky. Emily, yuck. Stop saying things that are so stupid. You better watch out now, watch out for yourself. I am half-certain there are guillotines on this island but I KNOW THERE ARE MACHETES because this girl named Karisha Marie @ruborosablog TOLD ME SO ON TWITTER, saying “it’s one of our traditional weapons in Puerto Rico” and so, I mean, I encourage you to tread lightly… y’know, be careful… that’s all I’m sayin.
The game continues, blue and red battling it out, and still, the music is making me think that all of this should feel very intense to me, but from what my eyes are seeing, it looks a lot like there are some little girls and a relic from the paleolithic era all hanging around on a field playing what appears to be baseball like silly ladies.
Ginger Jennifer says something about winning this game being “the only way…. for me to get that precious, precious time.” And then, drunk with absolute power, she strangles one of her teammates for eyeing The Ring, runs her fingers through her remaining strands of red hair – they’ll be gone soon – and returns to her cave under the Misty Mountains to dine on fish and goblins and dream of The Shire. Frodo. Sauron. Bilbo Baggins.
COMMERCIAL / AND WE’RE BACK (omg!)!!
This hits my face…
… as we return from commercial and it knocks me out cold on a scale of 1 to 10. (No I’m not giving this up yet. I like it too much.)
Also, did anyone notice how great Ben’s hair is looking, you know, the way it sits there, sort of like, not visible, under that hat? It’s a good look for him. Completely covered up in the hair and face is a good look for him. Yep.
The game comes down to Jennifer, who’s at bat, and for tickles and giggles Ben secretly makes a deal with himself that if she misses this, she’s going home.
She misses; let’s see if he keeps his promise to himself.
Ben comforts the blue team, saying various princely things from a bygone era in human civilization, like valiant effort, and such, and then hugs one of them saying “sorrrrry, what a HEARTBREAKERRRRR!” and I can pinpoint that this is the precise moment in time that he turned into a human version of Gumbi for me. He’s just not a real person anymore.
Blakely gives the antithesis-of-a-pep-talk to her teammates and blames them for the loss and probably says something about all three of them “being here for the wrong reasons” and “I’m not here to find teammates I’m here to dance for Ben he could be my BEST CLIENT because he never gets hard so it never gets weird, and the money keeps flowing!” And various other references to stripping and VIP cocktail waitressing. Also, sorry Blakeley, I’mma stop doing that just like, in general.
She goes on to say that, on a scale of 1 to 10, “if that damn helicopter lands on this field and picks those girls up, I swear to God… I’m gonna THROW UP.” She then tells the camera that “It just sucks that I have such strong feelings for somebody, with whom I’ve spent such a small amount of time.”
I decide that Blakely fully gets it after I hear her utter that statement, and I officially decide that we need to hang out because somebody just turned out to be AMAZEBALLS.
COMMERCIAL / BACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK
Courtney mocks the other girls, a-like a-so:
I like this side of you, Courtney. This rude, mocking side. I haven’t seen this before except for the whole time I’ve known you. Keep it up!
With Ben, Lindzi tells him that she wouldn’t mind being his MVP. Oh, OH GOOD ONE, LINDZI. There is witty, and then there is WITTY, and you my friend, you are right smack in the general vicinity of neither of those things. (But I still love you and hope you win this. You, or BEHBEH MCWHITTLES, or even maybe Nicki.)
Courtney assesses all the women, and it’s all just very sad. Because Courtney is the worst.
BEN, to BEHBEHKINS: “All of the women I’ve ever loved…. have not…. loved me back. I just don’t want to come up empty again.”
THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT explains it.
~~~
Please. Join me in a moment of silence for this, the most heartbreaking moment of the entire season. I am near tears for this man only I’m not. This poor man, who has never been loved back. Maybe if the wizard grants you a personality, maybe then! Surely you’ll find love then!
~~~
BACK TO THE BEVY IN THE 7TH FLOOR WALK-UP ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT
The losing girls return to their quarters, and recount the story of the day to whoever will listen. Elyse, with Jedi-focus……. Elyse, oranger than whence we left her……. Elyse, having just returned from Umpa Lumpa tryouts……. Elyse, who ISSSS she……. Elyse, is ready to receive the news, and focuses on listening to the girls’ story with a type of hyper-falcon-death-focus that we’ve never actually seen before, at least in the light of day, and on the face of a human being. It’s not quite Jedi, I came to that conclusion after the third joke in that series back there.
GROUP DATE WITH SOME WOMEN I MET AND COURTNEY
I think that BEHBEH and Ben should go on a one-on-one date and just do one another’s hair for like, the whole time. Let them really figure out what works, you know, and what doesn’t work, and like, you know just run with that for a good two hours.
All of a sudden, Ben asks Kacie B to go with him somewhere and, not one to resist candy from strangers, 24-yr-old BEHBEH abides. By the way, I love how on group dates, Ben always makes sure to take a girl at least 11 feet away from the awaiting bevy, in plain sight, and then makes out with that girl while everyone is watching it go down.
Courtney, not to be one-upped, asks Ben to go somewhere private with her IMMEDIATELY UPON HIS BEHBEH’S RETURN which is the most aggressively rude move in the world.
COURTNEY, to Ben: “like like like like liek like like like like skinny dipping like like like crazy have fun like like like secret rendez-vous like like etc.”
COMMERCIAL / WE’RE BAAAAAACKK! ELYSE + BEN ARE TOTALLY GONNA DO THIS; THEY’RE TOTALLY GONNA GO ON A ONE-ON-ONE DATE
Elyse asks for advice for her one-on-one, and shockingly no one gives her anything constructive to work with. This lack of last minute tutelage from the other sads and therefore absence of readiness proves to have likely been the thing that brought her down in the end. Well that, and her complete lack of compatibility with Ben. But tomatoes, tomahtoes.
Elyse says she’s “sooooo hyappeee” to go on this date “wath Baan,” and how she’ll “be really upset if I go home tonight. CUE SELF-ACTIVATED RIVER OF TEARS. ”I gave up my job for this, and I deserve someone to make me feel special, comfortable, relaxed” and then the editors switch as fast as possible out of this soup bowl of viscous, salty sadness and switch into an upbeat melody because that was really getting into the weirder, deeper areas of a google sadness search at 3 in the morning on a Thursday.
BEN: I’m down to the women that I really like…. and I need to start really thinking, can I see myself with this person. Our relationship has been slow-progessing, but so did my relationship with Ashely. And, my date on the water last time with Ashley was monumental… that’s where my feelings changed… on the boat… and I think that being on the water can do that.
…..?
……
BWAAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!
OMG that’s excellent logic, Ben. You are doing this sooo right I can’t even tell you!
(FUN ASIDE: I had to rewind that scene to get all of that down approximately 7 times. On the 7th, Honey said, “please don’t put me through that another time,” and the very act of him saying that made me MISS the thing I kept rewinding to hear, and so I had to rewind it AGAIN, and… You know what? Let’s just keep going.)
ELYSE: I have a great job, I love my job…. I knew I wanted to get my undergrad… my graduate degree… I moved to Florida… I HAD a relationship… then everything crumbled.”
Oh and by the way, I gave up that job I mentioned that I loved… to be here. I also missed my friend’s wedding that I was in so you sort of HAVE to pick me. So…. let’s just screw everyone else, get married here, and make a life together.”
^ ALL DIRECT QUOTES OUT OF ELYSE’S MOUTH ^
COMMERCIAL / BACK
The camera takes us to the location of Ben and Elyse’s “date portion” of their date, where we see several floor-bound lit candles, and we breathe a collective sigh of relief that it’s not Jenna the Blogger for whom Ben is pulling out a chair.
Dapper Dan pops the cork…
And then Ben cheers to their date, and THEN Elyse beats Ben to the “what’s-wrong-with-you-why-are-you-still-single” punch, and asks him if he wants to know anything wrong with her. He says yeah he does, and raises her, the-echo-technique. This technique is basically hearing her statement about her life, and then shooting back with “wait, so…”
One thing that’s wrong with Ben is he takes girls seriously when they tell him “I want you to be honest with me.” Alas, as if it was the Sesame Street word of the day, he immediately jumps into action, and takes this opportunity to drop-kick Elyse into the ocean waves but not before ripping her head off as Courtney advised he do, to really hammer that *good things must end badly* thing home.
BEN: “I was hoping for some things today, that I just… didn’t… FIND. My relationships with other ladies have progressed so far beyond where we are.”
BEN: So…
I don’t like you.
So… that means I can’t have you here anymore.
Which means…
I can’t give you this rose.
So that means….
you are probably going to go home now, and in a less than dignified way.
Ben probably noticed that Elyse is what we call “too impulsive,” given her tendency to quit jobs she loves and go on reality dating competitions. I see your point, Ben.
By the way, I know tendency is the wrong word since she did it one time……. but, isn’t *one time* enough in this situation? M’thinks.
ELYSE: “I just don’t know what I did wrong.” BEN: “you didn’t do anything wrong.” I LOVE BEN FOR SAYING THIS. SERIOUSLY, THIS WAS REALLY GOOD OF HIM.
Elyse does that horrible thing that many girls (myself included) tend to do when they’re broken up with. She keeps talking and talking. Here’s Ben’s level of interest:
So, all in all, they have a great date… they go to commercial… and he cuts her in the face with the thorny stem end of the rose she didn’t get and– wait, is he sending her out to sea on the wings of a prayer, or?—
Oh ok I see it, the rejection dingy (sorry I spelte itt rongk in that skreengurabb up thayr, apologeez) arrives and he sends her packing with an intern who, clearly not having thought ahead, seems to think he can hide his entire body behind a single slice of plywood, as he helps Elyse GET THE F**K OUT of Ben’s life beginning with escorting her with haste to more than a 1 mile radius of his general whereabouts. Ben needs CLARITY. And the fumes coming off of her poorly tanned body were proving to be toxic to his thought process (what thought process?).
And I’m sorry, Unknown ABC Employee who was hiding behind that cafeteria food platter, I’m sorry for taking a swipe at you. You don’t deserve it. You very kindly helped The Saddest One of All of the Sads onto the Boat of Ultimate Sadness, or, its real name, the “Sadness of the Seas.” I salute you for your willingness to risk your life and come into contact with what is the Sadness equivalent of that disease in Contagion.
Oh hey, wanna know something else? Trivia’s always fun. SO, did you know that that was the Sadness of the Seas first voyage on the open seas? Yes, that’s right — Sadness of the Seas happened to be christened that night…. christened by the resultant salty tears of Elyse’s sadness.
CUE – what else? – David Gray’s sad, sad songs of transcendent joy! Just kidding– it’s one of his sad songs, only.
COMMERCIAL / BACKACKACK
We find ourselves in the port-o-potty oh wait that’s their apartment, with Blakely, Courtney, WHITTLE BEHBEH, Nicki-1-Marriage-Down-1-to-Go MacTexington, and that Emily girl whose PhD status is something I’m questioning at this point. (Seeing as it’s my alma mater I have a mind to get to the bottom of this.) They are in the throws of discussing what it means to “get a rose” and what it means if you “don’t get a rose” and what that means for your chances, and what happens if you go home, and what that means for your chances, and so on, and the like, and such. And then…
NOOOOOOO…… NOOO WAAY….. SHUT.. THE F**K…. WHAAAAAAAAAT?!!!!! IS GOING… WHAT IS HAPPENING TO…. ARE YOU SERRRRIOUS…. NOOOOOOO… YOU’RE LYYYIN…..
Some dude comes in and removes Elyse’s luggage from the room, signifying that she has gone home. The girls immediately fake sadness for Elyse-of-the-Bellowing-Darkness-Oh-How-She-Roars, when Courtney releases this gem:
COURTNEY: “maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore fell out.”
Sitting in the foreground, in front of Courtney and in direct view of the cameras, Lindzi and Blakey DO THEIR BEST to hold it together.
They’re chanting to themselves not to laugh, whatever you do DO NOT HAVE IT BE LAUGH…
It was clearly impossible. Because Courtney? All she did right there was say what everybody in the room was thinking– or, I mean, what everybody in the room could immediately agree with, once it was stated. Because meanness of that form and strength does not naturally rise up in just anyone. It’s exclusive to Courtneys and Samanthas, and such, and the like. What not.
COURTNEYISMS…
“Another one bites the dust. See the dust? Foooooff. Did you see it, how I blew it away? That’s what that means.”
And my personal favorite: “Blew MY panties off!”
NEXT SCENE – COURTNEY MURDERED THE BELLKEEP AND DISCOVERED BEN’S LOCATION IN THE HOTEL
Courtney: “I’m little Miss Sunshine… I just sprinkle it around, to brighten his day.” Literal translation: I enjoy murdering in my spare time.
Courtney is angling towards skinny dipping, dropping hints. Ben is hesitant, thinking “this is probably not such a great idea…. this is unexpected.” They walk together onto the beach, totally about to skinny dip. Someone says:
“It’s gettin’ waarrm.” – it was Ben’s penis.
THEY STRIP DOWN. Courtney’s Push-Up bra is thrown to the sand while Courtney’s chest of what remains (ohh don’t worry; you see, I can say that because one of my closest friends is a flat-chested person) and Ben’s, umm–I’m just assuming it’s a penis, that he has? It’s hard to tell– both run off together in the surf to put some o’ that P into some o’ that VD (Vagina Dentata) and then right after he finishes Ben TOTALLY REGRETS IT BECAUSE S**T, S**T S**T S**T THERE ARE STILL OTHER LADIES HERE.
By the way, we see that Courtney is sad to find out that Elyse wasn’t floating somewhere nearby in her dingy to see this display; she really thought she had timed it right. But she gets over it and enjoys herself and generally feels like she’s winning again.
ENTER: BEVY GATHERING. FORM OF: KNIGHT’S ROUNDTABLE
On her 79th glass of wine in the last hour, Courtney says “thee numberrs ar dwiindeleeng” like a robot. She can be fun you guys.
Jennifer takes Ben aside and tells him how great he is and how much she’d like to be with him forever and how much she loves their path to love and how perfect he is, and *happiness sigh*
JENNIFER: “I wonder what’s next!”
BEN: “I don’t know! I DON’T know.”
Yeeeeaaaaap.
BLAKELY pulls Ben aside next. She tells him she’s always wanted to find love, and always wanted it to be right, and that’s why she’s 33 and still single, and that she writes down something she likes about him every day, and how she never thought someone like him would want to be with someone like her, and she didn’t think she deserved someone like him. No seriously, she said all of that.
… and Ben waits patiently for her to finish. Because seriously, where is my drink? It’s been like 5 minutes and I’m still not holding a drink.
Having summoned the spirit of Kristen Wiig’s Gilly character from SNL, Ben has boarded the facial expression train and it’s making all local stops.
BEN says that he saw a new side to Blakely tonight, a sincere side, and he says that she has had an epiphany, and that he’s so happy for her that she’s finally accepted him as her one true Lord and savior and that she can now receive his wonderful kisses.
Ben tells us, “she was one I was really unsure about, going into the evening.” But now he feels way better about her. BECAUSE BEN IS GOING ABOUT THIS PARING-DOWN PROCESS ALL WRONG.
MEANWHILE, BACK WITH THE BEVY
Courtney brings up skinny dipping. DUH! Of course she did. This brought words out of Honey, who has been trying unsuccessfully to tune out the show all night:
HONEY to Courtney, on bringing up skinny dipping 2 the girls: “WHY WOULD YOU BRING THAT UP?” Me to Honey: “Because she’s a horrible bitch.”
Rarely do I capably answer his questions in under 40 words and a metaphor. But it was case closed in under six.
BACK TO BEN, WHERE EMILY HAS SUDDENLY JOINED HIM??? WAIT, WAIT, NOOO—I WANTED TO TALK TO HER FIRST
EMILY to Ben: “So… I have to be honest…”
ABORT, EMILY. ABORT. PLEASE ABORT. Can I–may I advise you that this might not be the bes–I can’t? Oh ok. Well then as you were.
EMILY to Ben: “I haven’t thought about [Courtney] that much, I’ve thought about you…” But yeah lemme just go and do that for a second before I just completely up and stop focusing on Courtney aright? thanks…
BEN: SILENCIO!!!!!!!! *Varios thinly veiled threats* ”I encourage you to drop it, and you know, tread lightly… be careful… that’s all I’m sayin.”
EMILY: “He told me to basically stay out of what’s happening with him and Courtney. And be careful. I THINK HE HATES ME.” ”I don’t get why he would keep a girl who’s so shallow, and vapid… when there are several girls who are lovely and interesting. I really like Ben a lot… and I want a rose… but… I dunno.”
Ohh, Emily. Let’s discuss this over a cup of tea outside your office on your break from doing groundbreaking disease eradication work, a career that resulted from your smart decision to GET THE F**K OFF OF THIS SHOW, WITH THE QUICKNESS. Seriously. You know you can just walk out, right? There are like doors, like everywhere.
ROSE CEREMONY ENGAGE
The ladies line themselves up like the pins they are in what appears to be a lane in a bowling alley. When Ben arrives, he stands there silent, just letting that unstoppable hotness speak for itself.
Speaking of bowling, this is where I start getting excited about the parallels we’re drawing again to scenes from The Big Lebowski, and I start secretly dreaming that Jesus Quintana played by John Turturro will walk in, in place of Chrisharrison and start calmly yelling things like, “I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man.” But it doesn’t happen and instead, Ben tells the ladies “I kinda base these decisions now off of my future…” whereas before he was basing decisions like this entirely off of pre-season bets made with friends back home, the moon’s path and the direction of the winds on Sunday mornings. Glad to see that the seriousness has really kicked in for you. At this point in the season, really glad, glad to see that.
Ben tells the bevy: “I find myself wanting to… pull back and like, close myself off…” Ben is so, so healthy emotionally, you guys. I don’t know what I was worried about!
AND THEN THERE WERE NINE
Ben’s hair does NOT get a rose.
Lindzi gets a rose – “I would looove to!”
Jamie (oh RIGHT THAT’S HER NAME! I TOTES FORGOT) gets a rose – “‘course, thank you.”
Rachel gets a rose – “very happy to,” she says in a thunderous roar from the depths of the earth.
Courtney – ‘course I will. bonkoo.
Casey S. – “I would love to.”
Blakely – (close to faintcrying) – “hehe, yes.”
Chrisharrison announces that it’s time for the final rose. Camera pans to Emily, who is looking lost and confused, a 24/7 look for her so we are comforted with the normalcy of it. Camera then pans to Jennifer who was clearly taking notes when Tyra Banks’ visited the girls and gave that pep talk behind the scenes because Jennifer’s eyes, they are smiling wider than all the eyes of Ireland.
She seems very confident, as if she can already *smell* getting the rose, but it turns out she was just downstream of somebody else’s especially aromatic flower because FINAL ROSE GOES TO EMILYFACE.
JENNIFER’S DEPARTURE
Jennifer to Ben: “I completely understand.”
Jennifer to World: “I guess I just wonder what I did wrong.”
From that, I can tell you that one of the things you do wrong is you send mixed messages. That’s one.
Gandalf warned us of this; that Ginger Gollum “is a liar, and you have to sift her words.” As always, Gandalf’s wisdom brings us renewed understanding and a sense of peace.
THEORY TIME – CONTAINS POSSIBLE SPOILER IF I’M AS SMART AS METHINKS I AM (I’M NOT; I’M NOT AS SMART AS I THINK I AM)
I have a theory HERE IT IS: It’s going to sound far out given how things have *seemingly* been progressing, but I also have to hold out some semblance of hope that Ben doesn’t make the decision that this season seems to be hurtling towards. So, I’m thinking this. I’m thinking that Ben ends up with Lindzi… or maybe Kacie B, or even Nicki but she’s my distant third. And that Courtney is no more than an actress –this show’s very own Omarosa– thrown into the mix to stir things up, as producers might have worried that they had a dull cast on their hands. Shocking, I know– I mean the Sanity Meter isn’t exactly jumping off the scale, but anyway. I know, it’s very possibly I’m wrong, I just…. a girl can dream. And sometimes… if she prays hard enough, sometimes those very dreams… those dreams can come true.
But usually not. And especially not in the world of reality television. Otherwise “Jersey Shore” would have been canceled one episode into the first season and *leopard* wouldn’t have become a *thing* again.
FINAL THOUGHTS
ABC, here is my only request: Can we enact some standards, you know, for who actually gets to be The Bachelor, in the future? Here, I’ll start us off with an easy one:
No skeet shooting. YOU’RE MAKING IT OK WHEN YOU AIR STUFF LIKE THIS. Little boys everywhere are going to think it’s ok to skeet skeet skeet pool water at their female friends. No actually wait, if there are any little boys choosing to follow this show then they’re probably not going to grow up wanting to do anything like that to any of their women friends. BUT STILL.
OHHHMYGOD OK….. I’M DONE. I’M DONE! I DID IT. Ok I’m going to sit here and take an awake-nap. Please, you talk now, at me, yes, ok? Good, it feels, now, to say things? I want to sit and your thoughts, read them? (- Rachel)
xoxo - Alison