Bambino has a lot of ‘Rose from Titanic laying seductively in the nude while being painted by her love interest‘ moments, during the day.
So much so, that we’ve decided to give in to what is clearly an innate talent and take his career in a new direction. I didn’t tell you guys this, but he’s been looking for work ever since I fired him as my assistant a while back, because he was spending more time acting like he was being productive when I would walk by his cubicle, than actually doing any work. It was like, do you work for The Knotty Bride, or do you work for the people who created the Words with Friends app? because you’re on that iphone every time I look over at your desk.
It was enough.
So, since as his mother I can’t see past the scope of my own interests and missed opportunities, I’m in talks with a couple of networks who want to put little Bambino McPuppypants onto the metaphorical (and then later real life strip club version of) center stage, so he can finally start flaunting that undeniable ’come hither’ sexy puppy vibe he’s got and we’re not profiting from. It’s everything I ever dreamed for my life-HIS, I meant to say HIS life, haha, dreamed for his life. It’s like the Bad Parenting Gods have bestowed upon me my very own Honey Boo Boo Child, only this one has fur, and can’t complain to me all day long about how he “never gets to hang out with his friends now that he’s Pretty Puppy Supreme,” or how he “doesn’t like spray tanning/putting on makeup/wearing flippers/using breast-tape anymore,” or how he “wants a normal life,” or “feels competing for meaningless titles in pageants at such a tender age is killing him emotionally, and that something dies inside of him every time he competes.” Or how “putting me, Bambino, your child, in a beauty pageant at the age of one-year-old is probably going to be a prosecutable offense under future Child Endangerment laws.”
Bambino is such a complainer.
Anyway, I’m doing my best to help Bambo go far in the entertainment business. I’m even apprenticing over at the Kardashian Kacting Kagency, and I’m enrolled in their Krash Kourse for K’Pimping Xuccessfully.
Omigod, that reminds me. Have you heard about this?– People with a lot of time on their hands are all a twitter about how Jon Hamm called Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian “f**king idiots,” and it wasn’t in a conversation with his cats inside of a soundproofed panic room. Rather, he said it PUBLICLY… and on two occasions; asked about it a week later, he said “I don’t really understand the appeal of it other than that car-crash sensibility,” and, “it’s not something that I partake in or enjoy, but it is what it is and here we are.”
And I was about to go pour a fresh cup of pomegranate-Botswanian-fly tea into my vintage teacup and snuggle in under a chevron throw for some light reading on a [latest digital reading device that is euthanizing the print industry], when I noticed a link to a pole-dancing story coming in from a publication called the International Business Times. <– Makes sense. Apparently a one-armed Australian woman recently won the International Pole-Dancing Championship.
Whiicchhh… is really kind of a *win-lose* situation if you ask me.
But then again who am I, right? Who am I, who goes and lets herself actually write jokes like this inside of her blog posts and then doesn’t see the need to edit them out before clicking Publish.
Oh and thennnn I read how this International Pole Championship was kind of a real thing, that it took place in Hong Kong, and what her name was, and all these various other details that led me to the realization that this was a real story, not a hoax. And I was like, I for one certainly don’t remember hearing about the monumental day when Man finally figured out how to remove that annoying shame factor from the act of watching women pole-dance. Wow, so pole-dancing is a legit sport now, huh. The kind with fans? [Fans being defined as any adult male who has realized there is a legit sport now called "Pole."] DAAY-YUMM! I wonder when that holiday happened, and which day the government decided was the appropriate date for its nationally recognized holiday, because it totally wasn’t reported on enough!
In other news, here’s the relevant content of this post.
Dear TKB:
Where to begin. My maid of honor, my closest friend for the past 6 years, is making my engagement experience terrible! First, I knew all along that she is an insecure person and perhaps a little selfish. I get that, we all can be, but I can’t take it anymore! In the past seven months of being engaged I think she’s asked me about my wedding twice. She never calls or texts to ask about me or if there’s anything she can do or even just to go get dinner! At a bridal show she came to, she was texting the whole time and ran into another friend and walked off with them! When we went trying on bridesmaid dresses, she came and as soon as I barely parked back home she had to go immediately without coming in and even asking about my wedding plans. My other bridesmaid came in, looked at samples invites, wedding shoes etc. My MOH said she found out what my shoes looked like through BM but MOH has NEVER asked me one detail! And the icing on the cake, she knew for 3 weeks I had my first bridal fitting and I wanted her to come to see and look at bridesmaid dresses. She told me she would probably cry when she saw me in my dress. But the day before she says she needs to be home an hour after my appointment that is an hour and half drive away!! She knew for three weeks and I had called her on that Monday and left a voicemail, texted her to remind her on that Wednesday as well. I mean, not to assume anything but I thought she wanted to see me in my dress?! I’ve cried numerous times, written an email I wanted to send and just take the brunt all the while I’m planning a wedding! HELP! What would you do?!
Sincerely,
-M.
Dear Miss M,
Omigod get rid of that friend. Is what I was thinking throughout that whole thing. BUT, the only reason that is not going to be my answer today is because you shared that she’s been your “closest friend for the past 6 years.” However, you also shared ”I knew all along that she is an insecure person and perhaps a little selfish… I get that, we all can be, but I can’t take it anymore!” So! Armed with that background information, I must first ask you to think about your answer to this question: how good of a friend has she been to you throughout those six years? Has your relationship, for the vast majority of the time, been fulfilling, positive and supportive on both sides– especially in more recent years?
If your answer is “No” – then I’m afraid to say my initial gut response of “get rid of that friend” is kind of my best advice here. I’m not sure which way the readers are going to go on this (and I look forward to seeing what their opinions are); so know that that’s just MY personal feeling of the best course of action.
However, if your answer is “Yeah, our friendship has been awesome” - then here’s some nuanced advice:
Since your maid of honor has been a good friend for a long time, there are any number of reasons for her to be behaving in this pretty abhorrent manner. All behavior is relative to what is going on in the life and mind of the person exhibiting the behavior, I want to make that clear. However, THAT SAID, lemme point out, very briefly, three possibilities of what’s at play here…
Possibility A: your new life step might be having an unexpected impact on her, and she might be pitying herself over not having a wedding to plan and a marriage to embark on yet. If that’s the case, there’s NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT. That’s on her. If she can’t get out of that funk, all you can do is tell her you’ll support her, but that you can’t have her behaving so negatively around you anymore, because it’s bringing you down.
Possibility B: she might be having her period nonstop for the last however-many months. I get a little bitchy during my lady shark week, so. Of course, I’m kidding. But we’ve been having a very serious conversation here for a while so I wanted to break up the flow. Ok, back to serious.
Possibility C: she might be having a very unsavory reaction, of disliking you for no other reason than that of you now being the one getting all the attention. If she’s used to getting most of the attention, this is a real possibility.
(I can’t help but also mention that I have this sneaking suspicion that when she told you “she would probably cry when she saw [you] in [your] dress,” she was quite possibly referring to her personal reaction over not being the one in it. I could be wrong, obvs., but I get these gut feelings, and that was my gut feeling.)
Now, if you’re emotionally prepared to take any action here… and I hope you are… I think the best and only thing to do is confront her. I think this is best done in person, because feelings just get conveyed and interpreted best in person between friends. But if that’s not something you can see yourself actually doing, then you can do it in an email– like that email you mentioned you wrote to her, but never sent. If you choose an email, I think it might be wise to have someone close to you read it over before you click send, only because we can often come off a lot more aggressive/unfriendly than we realize in email correspondence. Though she’s been working that *unfriendly* angle like it’s going out of style, so I wanna leave it to you, how honest and upset you decide you should to get in that email.
One last thing. I’m sorry, I feel like I should be offering you more constructive advice, I usually offer so much more longwinded advice. But I’m hoping on my readers to give you some more useful stuff to work with, because honestly, the whole way through that, FORREALS, all I could think was, “why is this girl still in her life?!” Let alone still your maid of honor.
Because if she were my maid of honor? She’d be alone coughing, because she’d be standing in a cloud of my dust. And I’d be miles away walking to bridal appointments with a friend who actually gives a shit about me and the things that make me happy.
Toxic toxic toxic.
-Alison
So, my loves…
1. Do you have any advice or thoughts regarding Miss M’s predicament?
2. Do you think it’s probably best that today is Friday, given where my mind was able to go today, in this post?
Happy weekend! - Alison
P.S. – the title of this post used to be: “So it turns out wedding planning is going to mean a lot *more* borderline inappropriate blog posts, as opposed to the previously expected, *a lot less*.”
P.P.S. – It’s apparently National Puppy Day so I gave him top billing. Because he deserves it. The way he puts up with my constant desire to play, eat, walk, eat, play, walk, eat, walk, play, eat and walk.
Oh wait, that’s wrong. It’s the other way around.
O_o