Hey everybody, it’s me, Alison.  Happy Friday!  Ok SO!  First point of business is that there’s a GIVEAWAY, next week, right here.  So obviously be here if you like cool free stuff that’s very on trend or whatever.  

Brand new second point of business added more recently: since I’m in the business of responding to needs, somebody asked for it so I added a BambinoFACE to this post.  Scroll down for your fix.

Ok, now for the main event: howsabout another cool DIY project, eh?  Please do enjoy, while I continue working on Ye Olde Bachelorette Recap That Got Attacked By The Evils of TiVo’s Faulty Recording System, Therefore Requiring Me To Wade Through Screenshots of the Show On Los Internettados Which Is the Same as Being Shanked Repeatedly in a Prison Yard.  Also, DIY projects are hella fun and the other Allison’s back with another easy + pretty one… make that THREE. :)  Do give the gal some love.  Take it away, A!

Allison here!  This week’s crafty DIY comes from a little Martha Stewart inspiration. When I don’t have a wedding to craft for, I pursue the craft aisles to discover new products. This week I found “Crafter’s Clay”. I bought a few supplies and got to crafting.

Here is what you need:

Crafter’s Clay ($7.99 at Michael’s)

Silicon Mold ($7.99 a Michael’s)

Cards, shipping tags, etc. Any paper will do.

Stamp. ($4.95 from Paper Source)

Step one is to decide what you want to make. I started with a small eat sign that is perfect for a place setting. I put the crafter’s clay in the mold and let it dry.

Once the letters dry (wait at least a few hours) the fun starts. You can paint, them, arrange them, and do just about anything you want with these letters. Here is a photo of me playing around with a few different ideas, including painting the letters (which I wasn’t good at!)

I glued the letters at the bottom and stamped my handy silverware set on the top. Tie them to the silverware and you have yourself an awesome place setting piece!

I wanted to try a few other things so I got a little creative and glued the letters to some Baker’s Twine. Check out this small sign I created. Perfect for a cake topper.

And just for fun, here are some tags I made including the letters I tried painting. As I said above, the painting didn’t work too well in my favor, but I will get better at it one of these days. I wanted to show this photo just to give an idea of all the different ways you could use crafter’s clay letters!

And there you have it! Enjoy this fun little DIY. Next week I’ll be back with a way to make your tea light candles POP!

Anybody else enjoy working with crafter’s clay? Make anything with it recently? I’d love to hear. :)

xoxo  - Allison, Engaged & Inspired

Alison here again… by special request in the comments section, here’s a Moment in the Life of The Pantster…

Hope you enjoyed :)  Now, any other tricks anybody wants me to turn?  Not *those* kinds of tricks.  Ew.  

- Alison

Hello and welcome to your Knotty Bachelorette Recap, brought to you by sponsors Coke, coffee and sheer determination.  

“But wait, which episode am I reading about right now?  I’m on the east coast and the show started 15 minutes ago.”  You say (if you’re on the east coast).

Well.  As some of you may remember from the blog post that came immediately before this one, I mentioned that since TiVo’s efforts to [do the only thing we bought it to do which is to] record this episode of The Bachelorette were unsuccessful — much in the way that this show is unsuccessful in resulting in loving relationships despite that being its purpose oh wait no I’m wrong it’s PROFITS — I was forced to submit myself to the *every time you pause the show on abc.com we’re not going to let you take a screenshot of what you paused it on because instead we’re going to profit from a Pepsi ad*.  So I had to pause rewind pause rewind pause rewind a lot to catch blurry screenshots while the show was playing.  Ooh also, commercials are literally 100 seconds long now, between segments on The Bachelorette when you watch it on certain computer devices.  And they’re incredibly frequent.  So, if you’re like me and you have to pause rewind pause rewind pause rewind a lot to take pictures like I just mentioned, AND you can’t fastforward–you have to WAIT the 100 seconds every time–well, then, it’s a lot like dying.

So, maybe just think of this recap I painstakingly wrote and probably will die early from, as something to read in the hour(s) before Episode 7 airs, for those of you on Central or Pacific time.

Ok enough preface.

It was almost suspicious how literally *right after* I turned ON The Bachelorette, I immediately couldn’t take it anymore.  It was almost instantaneous this time.  It definitely kicked in sooner, as in *about a minute into the show* as opposed to *almost two minutes into the show*– Much in the way we’ll hear our friend Ryan describe Emily’s arrival a bit deeper into the recap.

So, we ‘copter down to–oops, sorry still kicking the habit from last season.  We… find ourselves?… in Dubrovnik, Croatia this week.  And then out of nowhere, the show pauses on Emily’s face.

As the story goes, I’m not sure if it was me, or Honey, or Bambino (or the now-assuming-human-form *thick looming awareness* of having been brought up better than this), who ultimately pressed the pause button that day.  I guess we’ll never know.  But I do remember a sensation of movement in my thumb downwards, as if to press a button on a remote control perhaps, and then a resulting release of dopamine into my system which brought on a serene calm.

Anyway, we’re all just sittin there with the show on pause, just staring at that mug of hers, and I’m tellin ya it’s a year if it’s a day.  If I owned cows, I’d have done it til they came home, just staring at that pretty face.

During this time I was also graced with an opportunity to learn the gentle curvature of her spine.

… The way her expertly highlighted locks cascade down her back caressing the nape of her neck, ever so gently-like.  The way she’s always so calm and maternal, and how it feels like she would be the kind of woman who would want to make me dinner every night before tucking me into bed.  The vista was nice, too.  I mostly liked the way it provided a rocky, jagged backdrop, to contrast the smooth toned musculature of her small, feminine frame, which is most likely tanned head-to-toe, like a good girl.

OMG SORRY, sorry you guys– that was Bambino who wrote that just now, he stole my keyboard.  He reeaalllyyy likes Emily.  Anyway he begged me not to erase it, so.  You understand.  Kids and their crushes.

We resume.  Within minutes we see Emily carrying her own luggage to a small apartment in the upper hill country, which you’ll probably recognize as the site where they shot the poverty-stricken-hometown scenes in Borat.

It’s just the harsh reality of what had to happen following the rampant overspending that went on, unchecked, during Ben Flaassjdhfgjdsihnik’s season.

In an idea that ABC reports focus groups found “only a little offensive,” ABC had planned to have Emily walk around in the company of seven dwarves, the likes of whom would perform such menial tasks for her as carting around her luggage up steep inclines, whistling while they did it, and just generally worshipping the ground she walked upon.

However, thanks to the aforementioned overspending on Ben “I store two of my tastiest grapes inside ma pants” Flajnik (mostly just doing damage control on that lawsuit brought by the artist who draws Francine on PBS’ “Arthur” cartoon.  See the basis of the case, below:

Right?  Too similar a look.  Ben is clearly biting Francine’s style.)

Anyway as I was saying, with the budget set so low this year (not to mention the fear that the other men, deeply insecure, would get jealous of the uneven time Emily gave to the dwarves), executives couldn’t execute the seven dwarves concept and so Emily was forced to carry her own luggage — sometimes up exceedingly rocky and dangerous terrain, to the various residences arranged for her by the show’s producers.  These places were often located in the rougher areas of the countryside (<== also linked to the overspending).

Interestingly, the Snow White & The Seven Dwarves concept for the season was the brainchild of AP Calculus professor and 0.6% stock holder in the Bachelor/ette series, Mr. Chrisbharrison… who pitched it as part of ABC’s new effort to gain a younger and more impressionable “Disney-obsessed” child viewership (and ultimately the reason they allowed Ricki onto the show).  It is worth nothing that Chrisbharrison was originally against Ricki’s proposed involvement in the season (since he hates most children, a little-known fact).  However, he eventually changed his mind about Ricki as a result of his research findings.  Findings largely based on his studies into the successful efforts of tobacco companies to appeal to younger generations of addicts via the creation of such things as cartoon mascots and chocolate/candy cigarettes.

So, if you were wondering what he does during all of that downtime in back alleys while rose ceremonies are being conducted, now you know the horrible truth.

EMILY STARTS TALKING ABOUT THE MEN

Emily tells us that she’s at a point in the process where she either “feels strongly about the relationship, or she has no clue.”  And that she wants “to figure out the relationships that I have *no clue* about.”  These are the moments when I feel almost willing to be flown to of all places CROATIA, just so that I can let Emily know that having “no clue about” your relationship is a good sign it’s not working out.  But then I remember that it’s mostly guys, not girls, who get that fact, and that it’s the sheer lack of awareness of this logic in the greater female population that ultimately makes books like “He’s Just Not That Into You” rise to and stay atop the best-sellers lists.  Buuuuuuut aaaaaaannnyyyywwaaaayyyyyyy…….

Travis’ idle toddlerish ramblings express something along the lines of a growing love for Emily.  A love that is slowly enveloping him head to toe in a thick sheet of casein, making it harder for oxygen to travel to his brain and ultimately resulting in one unprecedentedly wicked combined case of eye-to-bridge-of-nose-hyper-proximity and pupil dilation, or, cross-eyed largesse.  Putting his serious face on for a minute (not to be confused with his ‘happy, or ‘ironing a shirt’ faces; both similar almost to a tee) Travis says: ”This week was the turning point for me.  If I don’t get that date card, I’m PRRRROBABLY gonna pack it up and go home.”

I’m sure we all had a laugh about how much of a crazy lie that was, based on the fact that he’s obsessed with her.  But I can tell you that Travis did have an audition coming up back home for the role of Kenneth on 30 Rock, which is a joke I’m making about how his voice is so goddamned annoying.

EMILY SHOWS UP TO THE BOYS’ ROOM, I guess earlier than usual

RYAN: “In walks Emily out of the blue!  You know?  Usually… we have to wait some, time.  Before we get to see Emily.  So.  It was a good surprise.”

HONEY looks up from his computer and says: THAT guy’s aaa DOUCHE.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE, TRAVIS + EMILY

TRAVIS says: “It was IMPERATIVE that I got this date.  It was just like, Finally.”   lolz.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS DATE = “Aahm jus’ tryin ta’ figurout if we’s got any other kaaanduh connection… be-yonn jus’ frehh-yunds.” --Emily.

Btw, Emily says that while Travis is in the room–so, to Travis’ face.  Sooo.  I think– I say I say, I think Travis ain’t gon’ be’roouuund uh lat laaaawnguhhhrr, I say I say, he gohne.

Anyway here’s what happens: They go on a terrible date.  They move through this date as awkwardly as possible, do some things, most of which are boring; then this stuff:

Emily sees a stone that reminds her of Travis’ face, and she proceeds to read a story from an index card she quickly wrote up in an effort to make things more interesting.  She points to Travis’ reflection I MEAN the stone, sorry…

and says, “That, is called the Balancing Stone.  Legend has it that if you can stay on it, and be able to remove a shirt or jacket, then you’ll be lucky at love.”

This was the one rather unexpected moment in the date that Emily seemed sexually attracted to him and I have to be honest, it was HIGHLY UNSETTLING to watch.  She reeled it in quickly, for which I’m thankful.  But unfortunately not quickly enough because I fainted onto my macbook pro from a combined effect of the scene being too impossible and the heat from my computer having radiated too long into the tops of my thighs.

THINGS TRAVIS SAID ON HIS ONE-ON-ONE DATE WITH EMILY:

TRAVIS: “noooooo.”

TRAVIS: AWWWWSUMMMMM!!!!

TRAVIS: “rrrrrEALLLYYYYYYY?”

TRAVIS: “YAAAYYYYYUHHHHH!!!!!!”

TRAVIS: “THAAAANKYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Travis soon tells the viewer that he wants the two of them to “exceed expectations, and have this wonderful life,” drawing a reference to all previous relationships on The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise– given how the producers, almost year after year with few exceptions, position the show’s Expectations Lever at the *KIM KARDASHIAN* level of relationship success.  (Decisions made about the show’s standards are done via the annual Round Robin Doubles Tennis Tournament, the winner of which gets awarded the right to single-handedly and arbitrarily select the moral standard for the show.  … and since it’s mostly guys, they almost always set it at *KIM KARDASHIAN* level.  Almost always.)

Emily’s assessment of their date

“he’s a good guy; nice guy; I can laugh with him… Travis is just, a good guy!  I have imagined myself with a guy like him.”  …… not HIM, though; a guy who I will meet later, perhaps back at the house on a NEW date.”

My final assessment of their date

Listen.  If it was my understanding that Travis went into this date having been told that he and Emily were entered into Croatia’s semi-annual Most High-Pitched Voice Pageant and that this date was for the division crown, then I’d say he really brought his A-Game because he was really fearlessly getting into that upper register.

But that is NOT my understanding, sadly.  And so that means that I have to give this date a sideways thumb and score it “Meh” on the scale of date success.  Which is a 1 to 10 scale.  :)

DATE OUTCOME:

DUH.

Travis: “It hurts… it is a different kind of hurt.” *CRIESSSSS*

Let me remind the audience, Travis just met Emily maybe A WEEK ago.  Maybe he’s referring to the way being rejected in front of a national television audience makes it different?  Worse I imagine?

Anyway Travis adorably tosses his umbrella like he wants absolutely nothing to do with it anymore, goes home, and then probably never goes on another date again because he is so bad at it.

A commercial comes on and then when the commercial’s over I’m like Little Jon and shout: “TWEEEEEEELLLLLVVE M.I.N.U.T.E.S. I.N.?????????  HOOOO-WHUUUUUUUUUTT?”

I pause the show to recoup my sensibilities and zest for life.  When I look back up from my computer I notice that it’s now 15 minutes in and I’ve hung my head in complete defeat for a total of three minutes.  Good.  We’re moving now.

LASTING LOVE REQUIRES BRAVERY DATE CARD ANNOUNCEMENT MOMENT (by the way there should probably be a drinking game for every time we’re forced to go through the motions of another meaningless ritual that contributes to this show being two hours NEEDLESSLY)

JefLessEff announces the date card and reads off the names… and when it comes to HIS name, he’s sure to let the manbevy know WHAT THE DILLYO.

FYI my alert to myself to put the picture of Jef pointing at himself right here was, “INSERT JEF DERPLY POINTING AT HIMSELFFFFFF.”  :)

SO, THE NAMES ON THE CARD ARE:

Jon, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris, Arie, probably more, maybe less but I’m not rewinding to find out

THE GROUP DATE BEGINS

They’re in a town square; she says, “Ricki and I like to go to the movies,” and so begins another test arranged to weed out the guys who aren’t ready to completely give up their lives to fit perfectly into Ricki’s and Emily’s as mostly homebodies who all sleep in the same bed together since Emily still nurses Ricki even though she can kind of talk (did you see?  She was in that crazy TIME Magazine article… No offense, moms who do that).

And then we are rudely subjected to a cartoon movie, in a bold move by the show’s producers to call us the dumbest most childish audience in America.

And then Emily transitions the boys to compete in a real life competition modeled after the movie they were just forced to watch in its entirety for sponsor money.  Sean is excited to compete.  I’m excited to see Sean compete.  I hope there is a high-jump part.  And a swimming part sponsored by Speedo.  And a naked part of the competition, too.

Chris loses my respect with the response: “not ONLY am I one of the FIRST people to watch the movie Brave, but we’re gonna also compete in the highland games!!!”  Come ON, Chris.  You aren’t getting a cut of that sponsor money, why are you selling it?

John gains my respect with the response: “costumes?”  I think John might be the first ever contestant to react in the most normal way possible to the weird dates they are forced to endure.

also… octuplets again, except MORER.

Arie comments: “we got to compete in a skirt again; this week a kilt, last week a dress.”

Folks, Arie makes a very prescient remark here; indeed, as some are starting to notice, Emily is imposing the skirt thing because she is in fact after the most emasculated man present and sees this as the most efficient route to him-her.  If she felt NBC was ready for a same-sex version of The Bachelorette (jesus when is it going to happen already?!!), she would have requested that a few girls be thrown into the mix.  But she wasn’t raised to act up, so.

So there are a bunch of guys and they’re all dressed in skirts, and Doug starts rattling off all the elements of true battle, having just completed the 3rd grade.  Swords, other stuff… (I wasn’t paying attention I’m a girl…) and then Chris starts in doing what he does best– being all kinds of boring and generally saying things that most accompany the various states of boredom and the having of it.

Arie, high, says more weird stuff.

CHRIS LET’S US KNOW HE IS IN THE COMPETITION, IN CASE WE FORGOT.  HE JUST WANTED TO LET US KNOW.  Aaaaand there it is, he’s disqualified.

Sean lists alphabetically his reasons for why he knows he’ll win the competition, and we believe every single one of them.  I pause to get a snapshot of his hot bod:

Turned on, we begin to hear Jef, now speaking like a Frenchman who has been living in America for no more than a year: “may-leesh? mayleaach? mey-uh-leige? I dunnooo… I don’t know.  How you say it.”  And it makes us want to make out with and swaddle him at the same time– a very confusing sentiment for all of us.

Sean feels confident he’ll win the competition, after he sort of wins everything.  But pitying Chris, Emily says gives him the braveness award and he accepts it thinking it’s actually for his bravery.

WHAT I TOOK AWAY FROM THE COMPETITION:

Sean is a very attractive man.  If you were asking me to *rate* him, not that you are but if I had to give you a number, I’d say that on a scale of 1 to 10 his muscles are at a Ryan Gosling level of vaginal stimulation.

Emily and Arie kiss and it is amaaaaaazeballs.  Like, their kisses are the embodiment of what people are trying to make when they try to make really sincere soft core porn for stay-at-home mothers.  Really sexy and romantic.

We then cut to Ryan, who’s getting ready in his dressing room.  He says, “Every day I wake up and ask myself, ‘Who do you wanna be today.’”

HONEY says: “that’s called Multiple Personalities.”

Emily arrives, and Ryan shows us why he won Top Sleaze at the Hawaiian Tropics Miami Sleazeball Competition of ’89.

JEF says: I want Ryan to die and I want Emily to help me kill him.  (said inside his mind)

CHRIS says: Ryan is a jackass.  He takes three hours to get ready.  He plucks his eyebrows and cuts his fingernails.

JEF imitates Ryan: “Just look at the positive things; the world’s an oyster and you’re the pearl.”  And the funnyness of his statement cannot be done justice in this write-up about it.

ONE-ON-ONE DATE, EMILY + RYAN

Ryan makes mention of ‘God,’ and that ‘He’ might have chosen Emily for him.  Oh goodness.  I’m so sorry, Christians.  I’m so sorry that he’s your representative this season.  Really, I’m so so sorry for you.

RYAN says to Emily: “every man wants a trophy.”

EMILY says to Ryan: “that’s very sweet of you!”

EMILY says to Us: “I go back and forth on him, hourly.”

Emily, something tells me that this might have been your problem with Brad Womack.  Do you realize that you seem to be in the habit of telling a guy one thing, but thinking inside yourself something completely different from what you told him out loud?  You should have that checked out by a professional.  It could change your life.

There is a commercial and it is a Shingles commercial.  Of all things.  The skin disease immediately conjures thoughts of Arie, and whether he’s doing ok.  All of a sudden the commercial says “If you had chicken pox as a kid, the Shingles Virus is ALREADY INSIDE YOU.”  OMG?!?!!!?  I immediately start worrying about my impending sexual assault by the Shingles virus, which is apparently imminent.

Aaaaaaand we’re BACK FROM COMMERCIAL and no sign of Shingles in my canal.  I release my kegel, but like it is with kegels, I am left with a very uncomfortable sensation in my hoo-hoo.  The reason I hate doing kegels.

Emily’s date with Ryan continues, and it’s pretty hard to watch.  Until Ryan takes out The List.  Then it becomes amazing.

“12 THINGS THAT ARE QUALITIES THAT I WOULD LIKE IN MY WIFE,” by Ryan, as recited to Emily.  Totally seriously.  Which evidences two things about Ryan: #1, that Ryan has dated exclusively unstable women hellbent on tearing him down, and #2, that Ryan is the absolute  f**king worst. kind. of man.

The List, in Ryan’s words:

1. “loyal.  stands by me no matter what.”
2. “a girl who is logical; not a girl who is overly emotional.  A girl who thinks before she reacts in situations.”
3. ? skips ?
4. “an encourager.  always lifting me up and not ridiculing me.”
5. “faithful.”
6. “a nurturer.”
7. “confident.”
8. “magnetic.”
9. “somebody that people are drawn to — and I think you have that!”
10. “somebody that loves to laugh.”  (but not at me; keep in mind Number 4)
11. (which he calls #8 for some reason)… “somebody that’s assertive.”
12. (9.) “unselfish.”
13. (10.) “beautiful.”
14. (11.) “sexy personality.” AND THEN…
15. (12.) “loves to catch my eye.  Now ya see I think that’s important.  See that one came last and I… I kinda did it in bold.”

Emily explains herself to Ryan, saying: “HEMM, HAWW, HEMM, HAWW, HEM…. and that is why I can’t give you the rose tonight.”  Always one to jump at an opportunity to be redundant, Ryan says: “That is very shocking; because I didn’t see that coming.”  UHH-DOYYY.

RYAN’S EXIT SPEECH

While inside the Limo of Shattered Dreams, Ryan gives a final interview, where he compares himself to the greatest men alive, and shares that he’s “been blessed with very many worldly gifts ” and he goes on a bit before finally arriving at: “I hope that when you guys all cut this up, I just pray and I hope that I am portrayed as who I am.  …Instead of as an arrogant ass.”

I think by including his entire soliloquy in the episode, it was a two birds with one stone kinda deal.  Very well executed, team-of-people-who-sit-in-the-limo-and-record-other-peoples’-most-embarrassing-life-moments-for-a-living.

Meanwhile, now jaundiced and having asked the paramedics to let him do his interview outside of the ambulance, Arie starts to talk and I have little desire to hear it.  Because by the time I’m seeing this part of the show, I’ve already seen the previews of the moment TONIGHT when we find out Arie played an extended game of “Just The Tip” with one of the show’s producers.  Not only that, but the woman happens to be a close companion of Emily’s.

I just got super into this season, y’all.

Next Arie, now definitely fighting something…

… decides to stop by Emily’s place after her sucky date with Ryan.  They do shrooms to take the edge off and while in bed they start to speak in philosophical truisms such as “you’re YOU!!!!” and, “I AM!!!!!”  This is around the time I fully start to hurl up my Green Monster Smoothie, but because my revulsion to the show is becoming so intense, the barf doesn’t simply trickle to the floor, it SHOOTS OUT and I end up line-driving the entire contents of my smoothie right into Bambino gigantic waiting hatch.

(Reenactment; the rope is supposed to portray the throw-up:)

Anyway it’s going to set us back AT LEAST two weeks, in our effort to train him to start eating more of his unappetizing (but very healthy) kibble and less holding out for treats.

Next up, Arie kisses Emily, but unlike most times where it’s pleasant and erotic, this time it’s horrifyingly unwelcome because I’m so worried she’s going to catch whatever he’s dying from.  Arie then declares “I could ask that girl to marry me.”  Which is sweet, but we’re sort of indifferent because we’re more concerned about what appears to be that worsening case of Anemic Shingles he’s developing, which is really starting to show through his epidermis, you guys.  His ghastly appearance is even starting to frighten nearby children; a death sentence for Arie if Emily continues turning these dates into opportunities to test babysitting skills.

OH MY GOD.  I just realized.  Arie’s not DYING, he’s just not tanning as regularly as the others.  Ah-HA!  I’m so used to an evenly tanned bevy!  So silly.  So Arie’s just pale, phew!  Now we can all continue not giving a s**t either way.

We return from commercial at 1 hour 40 minutes in, which is just in time for John to inform us that “the roses NOW are extremely important, and if you don’t get a rose you’re going home.”  John, a little demented, misspeaks, forgetting that it’s actually the case that ALL of the roses up until this point have been extremely important, as they are necessary for entry to each subsequent round of the competition.

An understandable mistake; Professional Captain Obvious Chrisbharrisonface asks during casting that all contestants be low scorers in math, as he prefers a captive audience for his lectures on date and rose ceremony procedure.

Emily sits down with John on a bench, and they talk.  Noticing conversation is dragging, John talks about his grandpa and grandma’s funeral cards, in an effort to bring back the excitement.  It’s his clutch move and it works.

CUT TO — Doug and Emily sitting down to talk, and Doug falling all over her like a newborn baby fumbling around trying to find its mother’s nipple.

Emily lectures Doug on how to be attractive to her.  It involves not being in any way the way he is.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME

I think Chrisbharrison is supposed to show up for the rose ceremony but I’m not sure… no no, wait… ok yup he’s there.  He always makes it just-in-time.

Emily, still dressed the part, enters the room to start sending some of these fools home.

She’s wearing head-to-toe sparkle, and looks the way I imagine I would have looked if my mom had thrown me into a dance competition in 1986.  All razz-mattazz.

Emily starts giving guys roses.  But quickly runs into trouble making decisions.  She wonders if there’s anything that can done about it, and starts looking for Chrisbharrisonface, who’s been out back lecturing one of the producers on the importance of not having sex with the contestants.

When Emily comes out Chrisbharrison yells “HEY WHADDYA DOIN.”  But then remembers he’s being filmed and brings it down a notch.

She keeps a bunch of guys whose names include John, and it is in this moment that men everywhere discover a brand new move in the “grandparent funeral card pull-out when she’s drifting.”

Oh by the way ABC, I was wondering: since we know Emily won’t get a healthy relationship out of this experience maybe she can at least be signed by ABC for a brief game-show-hosting opportunity?  Or tour tickets to Dolly Parton?  So she can walk away with something for having had this experience (since it won’t be love, most likely)?  Lemme know what you think.

And lemme know what YOU think of my dumb ass spending ENTIRE DAYS writing this recap using an iphone, a constantly moving screen, and my sheer determination not to miss recapping Episode 6 even if it WAS a week later right before the next episode.  (Also, sorry.)

xoxo!  - Alison

Oh P.S. -

Can you believe that s**t???!!!

Happy Wednesday, friendlies.  We’re gonna get really honest about some trends, today.  Ya dig?  I just– I gotta keep it real… hope you guys understand.

I’ve gotten more than a few questions from brides for the Dear TKB column about whether or not they should incorporate a certain trend [insert whatever specific wedding trend referenced]… or just avoid employing any trends altogether, for fear of it becoming lame say 5 or 10 years down the road.

The questions, varied as they may be, all have a common thread ==>  My answer to them.  Oh and also I guess another thread would be the ‘trend’ thing.  So two, two common threads.

Anyway I’m gonna try to answer them all in one shot today.  And as always I’d love to hear your thoughts and responses, too.  I feel like I grow a little bit as a person every time I do one of these Dear TKB columns, because you guys always come from such different personal perspectives in life and it’s pretty damned enlightening whenever I read through your comments.

Ok, my answer:

When it comes to wedding trends, you really wanna ask yourself just two things when you’re contemplating using the trend in your wedding:

(#1)  Is this trend something I’m seeing on every single magazine cover, online wedding blog, and the majority of pins in my Pinterest feed?

If your answer is “NO,” you might be safe.  If your answer is “YES,” then move on to question number two.

(#2)  Is this thing I’m referring to as a *trend* actually not a trend, but a veil, or white dress, or the concept of writing vows, or having flowers at the reception, or some other thing that is in fact typically referred to as a “tradition” in our society, which is defined as something impervious to ever being described as a trend given its longevity, and therefore is off limits to being mocked by your future offspring (which is what you fear here)?

Be sure of your answer.

If your answer to (#2) was not  ”yes, I realize now, that I was describing a tradition” … then maybe reconsider having the trend in your wedding.

Listen, in all seriousness, I totally getcha, I do.  Trends are incredibly addictive.  Sometimes when I see neon I feel like I HAVE TO GO OUT AND GET SOME OF MY OWN NEON and then I calm down.  Because the last time I remember seeing as much neon as I do in my every day life, it was back when I was watching Will Smith’s Fresh Prince of Bel-Air intro every afternoon after school.

So just think hard before you step into a decor element that seems like it could be somewhat fleeting in popularity (a good sign of a trend experiencing its last hurrah is when Target has figured out how to infuse it into every one of its departments).  Actually on second thought… do whatever the hell you want, it’s your life.

Unless it’s the mustaches.  For chrissakes can we cool it on the sticks helping us to some extra facial hair please?  Maybe someone has some ideas for a new type of stick carrying something else, perhaps?  ANYTHING.

Also I’m probably going to end up with 200 ambush mustache props at my reception after anyone coming to my wedding reads this post.

Don’t do it I’m warning you.

Epilogue:

I have nothing against mustache props, personally.  Except that I hate them with every fiber of my being.

Just kidding.  I’m just jaded.  They’re adorable keep doing it.  Enjoy yourselves, that’s the point right?  Also the getting married part is a fun point, too.  So two, two points.

Anyway.  All this talk about trends has really got me in the mood to talk about the trends I love and new trends.  YEAH!

BUT HOW ‘BOUT, instead of talking about all the long-loved and/or aging trends, let’s bring onto the scene some NEW trends.  Ya dig?  Maybe I’m being serious; maybe I’m being sarcastic.  Does it matter?  Ok here we go.

1)  Howsabout bringing together the nauseating predictability of mustache props, and the frigidity of winter, and starting…

THE ‘HIGH HAIR HIGH COLLAR’ PHOTO BOOTH TREND!

The high hair is simply quite becoming, while the high collar/turtleneck allows guests to cover parts of their faces, somehow releasing insecurities and creating a willingness to pose for a picture.  Which means your guests can ham it up while bundling up, too!  WIN-WIN!

(a wee p.s. for my Bachelorette fans– think that’s F-less Jef’s coiffed ‘do?  sure looks like it.)

2)  Howsabout combining the visually-satisfying-for-some-reason ombre-EVERYTHING trend, with the zany hair trend of growing out your roots for longer than usual oops sorry I mean “getting ombre hair,” WITH the hair-braiding trend everybody’s loving, and instead going with…

A BRAIDED OMBRE RAT’S NEST!

OR: just dip your head in one of those oily puddles in the street; you know the ones that you see a rainbow in?  Yeah, just dip your hair into it and afterwards it’ll look like this:

yeah, that’s how that happens!!

3)  How about combining the cranial-bedazzlement of fascinators and the fun of swans…

(often found in pools nearby the reception these days…)

And instead starting a new trend of wearing…

SWAN-SHAPED FASCINATORS!

4)  Here’s a completely serious one.  Because if I don’t have at least ONE serious one then wtf am I doing here.  So– take the dainty prettiness of pointelle lace trim, slap it together with that potted succulent trend, and you get…

LACE TRIMMED PLANTER DECOR!  (Just to be clear, I’M OBSESSED.)

5)  Or howsabout marrying the excitement of tents with the thrill of lace, and setting up…

LACE MINI TENT SHACKS FOR WEDDING NAPTIME!

FITS 2 (or 3-if-they’re-touchin’) BABIES AT ONE TIME!

6)  Oo or how about combining the not-yet-everywhere-I-look-but-getting-close neon trend, with the wedding guest trend of getting pee-your-pants drunk during the reception, and just…

SHOWING UP IN PANTS THAT MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU PISSED NEON

7)  Let’s combine the sparkle of huge statement necklaces, with the hold-it-togetherness of ropes, and we end up with…

NEON/GILDED GLAMOUR NOOSES!

8)  Do you love paper origami cranes for your wedding?  Do you also enjoy the occasional wedding dress?  Well then how ’bout–

1000 TINY PAPERCUTS TO THE NIPPLE, with these lovely creations!

9)  YOGURT ICE CREAM CAKE!!!  NUFF SAID!!!!

or “Instagrahams” by Bakerella, but that’s neither here nor there, they were just cute. :)

10)  Or even better, how about we combine the light-hearted carefreeness of the American-teenager-obsessed sexual vampire trend, and the better-tastingness of cookies, and give your wedding guests a cake-shaped arrangement of…

BLOOD-HUNGRY VAMPIRE FAVORS!

well, that was fun.

Ok, SO!  Do lemme know if you can think of any others, or if you’ve spotted any trends lately that you’re digging (or hating) — whether they’re old or new trends.  Because in the end, I mock out of love, for all trends, everywhere. :)

Oooh and if you have any thoughts on the Dear TKB questions that prompted this post (of whether or not it’s wise to use hugely popular trends in weddings, and whether it’ll be something a couple regrets later on down the road when they look at their pictures), I’m excited to hear your thoughts…

xoxo!  - Alison

CREDITS: high hair pin via here / ombre hair pin via tumblr + braidy ombre mess pin via refinery29 / swan with swimmer pin / swan floatie wedding decor from wedding I featured on Style Me Pretty, images by Gia Canali / Helena Bonham Carter photographed by Peter Lindbergh in a swan cap pinned by ban.do via tumblr / lace planter pin via a beautiful mess / lace tents pin via store / pin of neon pants via here / paper dresses pin / yogurt cake pin via kwestia smaku / bakerella‘s instagram cookies! / confettisystem statement rope necklaces pin via confettisystem / domo-kun cookies pin via the lovely diamonds for dessert

Second post of the day, puhPOW!  Ok, so you know that inescapable desire lots of us peoplefolk have (myself, included) to look not only our best, but also spectacularly unique, if ohhh I dunnooo… maybe, say, we’re going to be spending 6-10 hours in the vicinity of a photographer whose only mission is to get great images of *the face and body* on one of the biggest, most important days of our lives?  Well, if you ask me, whether it’s on your wedding day, or at your engagement shoot, or wherever – it’s not such a bad thing to want to look amazeballs in every way.  … of course, I’m already getting ahead of myself.  So let’s just get on with it, shall we?  Great.

You all know Bambino.   

pssst Bambino… everybody’s looking… wake up…

“MOM WHAT IS THE BIG IDEA–oh HI everybody!  Hi!  Hi there.  I’m up.”

Ok.  Well.  See that head?  Sometimes I’ll be looking at Bambino, and then I’ll happen to look away from his monsterface for a minute; you know to do work or whatever.  But then, when I’m close to looking at him again, before I do it I’ll often say to myself, “ok, this next time coming up has got to be that one time I turn around and finally see the *monster* in that precious face.  One of these times it’s going to happen, because objectively speaking?  That face be uglay.”

Well.

See this couple below?  It’s Mick and Hayley.  As photographed by the amazing Jennifer Bagwell Photography…

Lemme tell you.  Mick, Hayley’s fiance, has never felt that feeling.  In fact, I can guarantee that in all the times he’s turned to stare into Hayley’s eyes, he’s had 100% clean turnarounds; nothing but natural beauty.  Everything on the up and up, face-wise.  I know I know, stop it, I’m embarrassing you Hayley, probably beyond measure.  Sorries.  I’m just a little awestruck FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.

Now, do me a favor.  Look past her punim for just a second, long enough to check out that incredible arrangement of tattoos on her arm.  You see those?  That arm of hers = one of the two ways I’m loving, with regard to effectively rocking a super unique & super gorgeous look for your engagement shoot or on your wedding day.

Ok hollllld your horses.  I’m not telling you to go out and get a tattoo in time for your wedding day in order to make your photos look half-way decent.  That’s not it.  Am I saying that I’ve thought about it, in anticipation of my own wedding?  Who’s to say, really.  Maybe I have.  Maybe I haven’t.  But still again, maybe I (definitely for the last three months) have THAT’S NOT THE POINT THOUGH the point is, I friggin die over fabulous tattoos in submissions, and especially on ma womenfolk.  And Hayley’s rocking one of the most colorful AND beautiful tattoos I’ve ever seen in a submission to TKB, and I love that I’m getting to share how great tats look, regardless of whether or not you’re interested in taking the leap yourself!

BUT FIRST.  Let me share with you the other way.  Remember, there were “2 WAYS” to “get the look?”  Right, now you remember.  Ok here’s the other; and in this one it’s about achieving all the beautiful details of an intricately designed tattoo… except not with the commitment….

Instead, get your heavy dose of unique, intricate detailing in your dress!  These Elie Saab gowns are part of his brand new Couture Collection for 2012, and I am currently staring at a huge bleeding gash in my chest, because they have stolen my heart.

What do you think of those dresses, dearies?  As a sucker for a unique, detailed look, but also a classic shape and bold coloring, I’m really digging the high level of fine tuning that Elie Saab stitched into those babies.  The delicate lace, sheer flowing fabrics, feminine shapes and overall WOW factor… it’s giving me hot flashes just talking about it.  And I’m AT LEAST 30 years out from legit hot flashes, aka the first signs of a lifelong visit from that angry, merciless beast, menopause.  … ok now I’m starting to think I should get that checked.

Ok, ready, are we, for more of that beauty that’s actually (well not in reality, but just for the purposes of executing this turn of phrase) skin-deep?  Because it’s back to that gorgeous shoot I hinted at earlier, that we shall go.

… Says Yoda.  (Seriously why am I talking like this, what is going on.)

Ok, yup, I knew that small shot of the full tat wasn’t going to do…

Ahh.  Much better.  Ok, carry on.

And now, I’d like to finish off strong by sharing this, the sweetly romantic background story on their shoot, her fab clothes, the vibe, and their relationship, written by Hayley herself:

My fiancé and I both have been fortunate enough to grow up in the beautiful wine country. We’ve been blessed to have the breathtaking hills covered in luscious vineyards, to the old rundown victorian farm houses that still allows this town to hold it’s charm. So needless to say it wasn’t too hard to pick a beautiful location for these photos. I was looking for something that was going to have a dreamy romantic feel to it with a twist of vintage inspiration to follow our wedding theme… and that is exactly what I got :)

Location: Months before we were engaged, I had been in search of a location to do hair and make up for a wedding photo shoot to promote my business. In the evenings, I would run a loop in town during the summer time, which is where I found the location. It stopped me in my tracks! The sun was setting, it was gorgeous. So peaceful and quite. All I could hear were the trees blowing in the wind and the birds chirping, but I didn’t stay long, the house also felt spooky and gave me goose bumps. It was perfect, just the feel I was looking for! I was so pumped to get the photo shoot rolling, but shortly after that, Mick asked me to marry him!!! Still running that same loop, now in preparation for our big day, something about that house reminded me of our relationship. Like some, we’ve had our crazy ups and downs and ons and offs. I wanted to make this photo shoot really take us through all the emotions we’ve been through. Happiness, peacefulness, fear of the unknown, finding the beauty in something that looks so broken, all that lead us to where we are now, which is pretty much like heaven on earth :)  

I am also obsessed with my parents old 60′s polaroids. Recently I had pulled out a box of photos to look through for our wedding and found millions of different pictures of them. They had that awesome sepia look. My mom had on a mint green dress and my dad was in some old flannel as they were sitting on some burnt orange velvet chair. I loved the whole look, which helped inspire me, but of course it was a little dated.  I wanted to put our own style into it. The next time I went on a run, I snapped a few photos with my iPhone and used my super cool apps I had down loaded to give it a vintage feel. I was worried the images in my head weren’t going to photograph like I wanted, but they did and they REALLY did on a professional camera! The best part is, I had never met my photographer but we had talked via email, Facebook and of course we’ve been following each other on Pinterest! I had no clue if she was going to see the vision I was seeing for these photos, and man oh man did she! She was on it. She took all those images I had stored in my mind and made them real! I have to say that day was probably one of the best days of my life and made me realize (which I didn’t think was even possible) how much more I love and adore my fiancé! We laughed, we had fun, and we got the chills staring into each other’s eyes the same way we will on our wedding day. That moment is when it really hit us that we were getting married! The feeling of happiness overwhelmed my body.  It gave me goose bumps from my toes to the top of my head. It felt so surreal and I owe it all to my photographer Mrs. Jennifer Bagwell that made us feel so comfortable :)

Clothes: I shop at a local boutique called LIV in Santa Rosa, Ca. They carry my FAVORITE brand Lush. That is the brand of my mint skirt. I was in there 2 days in a row (those poor girls!). I had immediately found the mint skirt and fell in love! The only problem was now I had to  find a top.  After explaining to the girls what I was looking for and showing them my pictures of the location, they were on it! I had so many outfits to choose from and they were all exactly what I had in mind.  My second outfit was inspired by some of the colors in our wedding. I figured they would go good with the sepia tones. I picked all that up at American Eagle Outfitters. I was not expecting to find what I was looking for there, but I did, and at a super reasonable price too :)  I was hoping the head band would make the pictures feel a bit dated or hippie-ish, similar to the ones I mentions of my parents.

Make-Up: My make-up was done by my girlfriend Gavi Pena. She is a professional make-up artist.  I decided to go with dramatic eyes. I wanted something that was really going to make my eyes pop and flow with the mint skirt since I was keeping it simple.

So, here’s what I wanna know…..

1) Do you have a tattoo?  Have you ever thought of getting one?  Also, regardless of your position on tats, do you think it looks as pretty as I think it does on Hayley in this shoot?  And is it just me, or do all of her outfit choices totally match perfectly with the colors on her arm??

2) Same question for the Elie Saab stunners out of Paris.  And, do any particular dresses stand out to you, in terms of kindling in you a desire to kidnap it and wear it to every single worthy event for the remainder of your days?

3) How darling is this shoot, and this couple?

xoxo  - Alison

Hayley + Mick’s e-session: Jennifer Bagwell Photography / Location: Mounts Family Winery / Submitted via Two Bright Lights / Elie Saab gowns via NYMag, Style

I know it’s a lot.  Me and my titles.  Anyway welcome to your late evening post; chock full of wedding inspiration, clitoral stimulation and inappropriate conversation.  Or, Wednesday.  

First point of business: I lied about the clitoral stimulation, there will be none of that.  I know I’M SORRY.

Second point of business: This shoot Caroline + Jayden Lee of Woodnote Photography sent in?  I guarantee you’ve never seen anything quite like it.  Ab fab, my loves.  Ab. solutely. Fab. ulousiffus.

Third point of business: Honey and I recently dipped into the dog’s college fund to spring for one of those nifty iPads the cool kids are getting these days.  And may I tell you, that the way I treat this thing.. you’d think I’d carried it for nine months and given it life.  It is my infant child, and I am its helicopter mom.  It is my wee behbeh.  So thanks to everyone who recommended getting one of these time-sucks; you guys were so right.  I am obsessed.

However.  We can’t take it anywhere outside the apartment – the whole point of the purchase – because it desperately needs something to wear.  Specifically, something that will protect it when I inevitably drop it seven times per month.  But sadly, ”find an iPad case” is #23 on my list of things to do this month, right above “learn how to french braid my own hair” and “decide if I should hire a surrogate to gestate our babies,” and right after “finally write a blog post that doesn’t include any references to sex or the organs involved in said act” and “plan that wedding we’re having.”  Soooo.  Might you guys have any iPad case suggestions?  I’m not gonna be a picky little whore about the case we choose.  I just wanna find one that’s got the right amount of awesomeness to it.  Important: good protection, and cool looking.  You know, the essentials.  Also, if you happen to have suggestions for cool things to get or download that work well with the iPad, I’m all ears.

NO NEON IPAD CASES.  Almost forgot to say that.  Honey draws the line at neon tampons.  But just so you know; I didn’t ask Kotex to make my period trendy.  They took it upon themselves to do that.

Ok, let’s move into the meat of today’s post.

Which reminds me: we are not talking about schlongs today on the blog.  You dirty little hos.  So once you’ve recovered from the disappointment, read on to discover the type of “size” we are discussing today.  Oh and, ahhem, if you would actually like me to write a legit blog post on the topic of schlong size in the near future to make up for this deceit, then by all means, do let me know.  Because I am very capable of that.  Naturally, I just need a little egging on.

Ok, so here’s what’s up.  When I first imagined my wedding, I imagined it to be like 20 people.  I’m not going to psychoanalyze why I did, I just did.  And then of course other elements came into play, and it grew (both in reality and in terms of what I thought I wanted) from 20, to 120.  And THEN, we spent a lot of time soul searching and assessing and talking and not talking and fighting and completely ignoring the whole thing for a month and then starting to revisit the issue again, freaking out more, talking more and bedroom wrestling (to get our minds off of it) and then even more thinking… and then after all of that, it settled in the middle of those two extremes.  And that’s when I was like… “hmm, have I actually been to any 75 person weddings?  How do they work?  How do I deal with cutting down the guest list?  Who gets to come?  Is this selfish?”  There were a lot of questions swirling.

Fortunately, I’ve never felt alone in this, because one of the most common reader questions TKB receives for the Dear TKB column (aside from the uber-popular in-law and bridesmaid-related questions) concerns the topic of wedding size; more specifically: whether it’s ok to want a wedding that’s on the smaller side, when everyone else involved would like the opposite.  Which they tend to do.

Here’s my answer: do. whatever. the f**k. you want. to do. for chrissakes.  DO NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR OTHER PEOPLE.  I shouldn’t have to repeat myself about this, ladies and gentlemen.  ONLY EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE:

1. You should probably entertain the wishes of those people who mean a lot to you, but only a couple of those wishes, and only if they are reasonable/do not compromise you and your partner’s happiness.

2. If the person who wants you to have a larger wedding is footing the entire bill.  But then you should ask yourself, should we even take this offer of a free wedding if it’s not at all what we want/imagine our wedding to be?

Now, I’m curious…  actually wait, sorry–

IMPROMPTU STARING CONTEST

Sorry about that.  Where were we…

Oh yes, yes.  I was going to ask you what YOU think when it comes to smaller vs. larger weddings.  Do you think it’s important to invite every last person everyone in your family wants to invite?  Or do you think it’s more important to have the wedding you and your partner want (whether or not that means a smaller wedding)?  I can’t wait to hear your answers!!!  I am not being hyperbolic – I am actually looking for a touch of advice, too. :)

So hey guess what?  It just so happens that Caroline + Jayden Lee of Woodnote Photography submitted a shoot recently that totally speaks to this situation/dilemma we’re addressing today.  So perfect!  :)  Read on for the concept that sets the tone for the kind of wedding inspiration you’re about to swallow whole (did that sound selacious? this time it was not the intent):

Kristopher and Penelope chose to have their special day on Penelope’s family alpaca farm.  Having grown up surrounded by the peaceful animals, the space had become very special to her, and had also been the spot that Kris had proposed.  Taking the alpacas as an inspiration, the couple decided to include Peruvian influence in the style of their day.  Rather than having a traditional wedding ceremony, Kristopher + Penelope chose to get married in a court house, and then have an intimate commitment ceremony in front of their closest friends and family.  The ceremony did not have an officiant; instead, the couple shared simple vows that they had written to one other.  For the reception, bright colors paired with rustic elements presented on one long banquet table unified the guests and allowed for one shared celebration.  After dinner, the couple changed into evening attire, and mingled with their guests as they ate cake and petted the lovely alpacas until sunset.  The day was nontraditional, and nothing short of perfect. 

(Bambino McPuppypants had just farted when that picture was taken; that’s why he’s smiling.)

Bonus video: if you have the time, check out this *Behind the Scenes* film of the shoot, which boasts a hefty dose of premium quality alpaca footage.  :)

I can honestly say that I have never seen this many alpacas in my life.  That’s a personal best right there; safe to say for all of us, I presume?

… Excuse me while I go check that off my bucket list.

Ok, so… how was the blog post?  On a scale of 1 to 10, was it deeply scarring?

More seriously:  When it comes to your wedding, what do you prefer: lots and lots of people around to celebrate your day? or a smaller, more intimate affair?  Or some other alternative that I’m too mentally drained to conjure right now?

Looking forward to getting a discussion going.

xoxo!  - Alison

Photography: Caroline + Jayden Lee of Woodnote Photography / Videography: Robert Ingraham / Florist: Bloom Floral and Event Design / Prop Rentals: A La Crate Vintage / Venue: Silver Creek Alpaca Farm / Hair & Makeup: Melody Sopa + Tiffany Arnold / Dresses: Monirose Bespoke Gowns / Graphic Design: Dena Swenson Design / Cake: Cakes by Jennifer / Models: Forest + Elena / Submitted via Two Bright Lights

Oh hey look it’s Monday afternoon.  yayYUH.  Who’s excited, EVERYBODY?  No? … wait, is anybody excited?  Oh c’mon you guys, Monday isn’t that bad.

… aright I’m lying right to your face.  Mondays are no Saturdays, that’s for sure.  There’s obviously no fooling you.  But hopefully things’ll get better once you’ve gotten a load of this post.  I have a very good feeling about it, actually.

Now, here’s the thing.  I’ve been working on a huge motherf**ker of a personal project recently.  All will be revealed in the near future, and at this moment I am going to respectfully request that you don’t hate my guts for that horrible, horrible teaser I just dropped, as it was not the intention to tease, but to explain the source of my being so busy lately.  Anyway, THAT went well.  But so yeah, all this writing I’ve had to do has also meant that I’ve had the pleasure of listening to a lot of great music recently.  Since, like most people, I find stellar tunes to be a driving force in the creative process.

For example, I arranged this entire wedding to the soundtrack of the hit movie Drive, starring Hollywood heartthrob and celebrated thwarter of weak artist street fights, Ryan Gosling.  Did you know: IMBD gives that movie a 7.9 rating, but if you ask me, on a scale of 1 to 10 the film is court-permissible evidence of the existence of the female g-spot.  OH SPEAKING OF GOSLING…

Thanks to Jessica filling me in on this news, I, Alison, am now aware of the existence of this beautiful specimen you’re about to witness.  Seriously you guys; right when you thought Ryan Gosling couldn’t get any more bangable…

So uhh, that’s it.  My white flag’s up.  I honestly don’t even know what else to say at this point.  If my genitals could speak you’d probably understand better exactly where I’m coming from (SHUT UP DON’T SAY IT I SEE WHAT I DID THERE).

Where was I…

Oh yes, yes.  I was sharing a wedding with you, submitted by the amazing Karen Christensen of The Legacy Boutique.  And OMG you are gonna L. O. V. E. love love love this one.

Here’s what Karen shared with me about Alison & Gabe.  You’re gonna wanna read this one, people.  It’s worth it.

Few young couples, today, can say their first meetings date back to a time long before cell phones, before internet, before Reality TV. But so begins the sweet tale of young Alison + Gabe. Now in their twenties, this fun-lovin’ California pair was as laid back on their wedding day {an Anthropologie-inspired Backyard Celebration with DIY Picnic and Bird Details} as a couple of neighborhood kids running through sprinklers on a summer day. Not a care in the world. Maybe that’s because they first met as fifth graders at St. Catherine of Alexandria in Morgan Hill. Alison, now a makeup artist and hairstylist, confesses with wild laughter, “I use to practice writing his name with mine.” Something she did again on the day of, writing Gabe a sweet note before the Ceremony would begin beneath a gazebo at his parents’ home. And while the proposal came after what could have been a grade school make-believe-wedding on the playground, Gabe says, “I always knew she’d be the one I’d spend the rest of my life with.” It’s no wonder then that their favorite wedding song was from John Legend’s lyrics, “On my lovin’ you can rely, and I’ll stay with you.” From co-creating their creative wardrobe {her peacock hued heels with his striped purple, grey, & teal socks}, to decorating with Picnic themed details {the bird’s nest boutineer and eclectic bird houses being my favs}, to goofing around from the First Looks to the Golf Cart to the Vintage-themed Photobooth — these two were playing all day long. Now purchasing their first home, back in Morgan Hill where they grew up, they have come full circle.

And now here’s a bit on their big day, written by the bride, Alison — and remember that tip I mentioned in the title?  It’s what Alison & Gabe gave one another the morning of…

Looking back on our special day is so memorable and undeniably us. We had a fairly small quaint backyard wedding with a bird theme. Having played a part in the wedding business, and dealt with my fair share of brides as a hair and makeup artist, I wanted to keep a low key, mellow vibe. Some of my favorite things to prepare were getting together with my girlfriends, and painting little wooden birdhouses for decorations to be hidden in the yard. They held such sentimental value to us; being decorated with so many themes of our lives. One of which was inspired by our favorite local winery that we go to regularly with friends, Satori winery, with it’s rainbow swirls and gems all about.

The day of the wedding was as relaxed as can be. My husband and I wrote letters to each other on that morning for us to look back at in the future and help remind us of our love in tough times. I’m happy to report we still haven’t read them! They’re kept in a wine box with a nice bottle for us to drink when the time comes. We kept a pretty tight budget for a typical wedding these days, and originally planned on focusing on mainly food and music. We’re glad we made a splurge on a great photographer though. In the end, that was the best investment we have from that day.The day flies by so quickly it feels like only a few short hours, but the pictures capture our story and emotions so well. Just remember ladies, it’s a day about you and your future husband, so don’t get caught up in the stress of trying to make everything perfect. As long as you make the conscious choice to make it a fun relaxing day, everyone else will follow suit and that’s all that really matters. Dance until Dawn!”

Thanks so much for sharing your wedding with us, Alison!  Ok lovelies, here we go… do tell me what you think when you’re done!

So… I’m curious…

1) Do you have any favorite bits?

2) Thoughts on that Ryan Gosling *music video*?  Lemme hear ‘em if you got ‘em.

3) And how fabulous does Alison look, you guys?!  Not me – the bride, who is also named Alison.

… we all know I’m currently wearing a Bar Mitzvah t-shirt with a bear on it and 10th grade soccer shorts right now, so it’s obviously not me we’re talking about.

xoxo!  - Alison

Photography: The Legacy Boutique / Submitted via Two Bright Lights / Event Planner: Moments of Magic / Floral Designer: Flower Hill Flowers / DJ: My Dj’sEvent / Venue: Estancia La Jolla Hotel & Spa

Oh hey you guys, Alison here.  Happy Thursday afternoon :)  So how’s it hangin’? (<== see what I did there)

I know everybody’s thinking it, and yes, there was probably a better-suited song lyric somewhere out there for that intro picture, but screw it.  We’re here now, and there’s no need to reminisce about what was, and what could have been.

Onwards!  One of TKB’s fabulous and fresh-faced DIY contributors, Renee Hong, is back… so cover your eyes if you’re allergic to awesome.  She’s really MacGyver’ing it up today, sharing a brand new DIY that even the kind of person who, if trying out for ABC’s The Bachelor, would answer *Most DIY projects* on Question 4 of the casting questionnaire, “How would you describe your deepest fear (so that we can put you on a date engaged in it under the scrutinizing eye of the public)?”  So there’s that.

Oh, hey Bam I didn’t see you there.  Umm, yes! that’s right Bam.  You can for the most part make this one.  For example, you can do mommeh a favor and get the tulle nicely covered in a thin sheet of mouth filth, thereby adding a unique ‘distressed look’ to the tulle.  … I’m wondering – would we call that rustic, or is that more vintage, the saliva-hosted-debris you’ll get all over the tulle you bring over to me for the project.  Oh well–we’ll figure it out, just you and mommeh!

Excellent.  Fantastic.  Yes I’ll help you make it, Bambino, right after I finish buying extra tulle to replace the tulle we’re going to use in this fake version to keep your self-esteem intact.  … Kids, amirite?

Oo and before I drop the mic, I wanted to give you guys a hint on where you can score some great wooden hangers for like ZERO DOLLARS.  Ok maybe like $5, because shoplifting is wrong.  Anyway it’s at IKEA, SON.  I scored five less than a Baker’s Dozen – or, 8 – whitewashed wooden hangers over at that sumbitch and I was like ‘physically excited’ about it.  I’m used to having to choose between hangers and eating lunch.  On the day we found Bambino?  We were very close to putting that money towards some new hangers, but bailed at the last minute.  So, you catch my drift, regarding how the right set of hangers can easily bankrupt a family of four.  But these– these were $5 for some smoothly polished, arched-enough-not-to-make-me-look-like-I-am-an-alien-with-talons-coming-out-of-the-sides-of-my-shoulders-when-I take-it-off-the-hanger type hangers.  The kind of hangers that have eluded me all my life; mocking me, even.  The stinkers have been hanging out at IKEA all along, and I have been sitting around feeling essentially hopeless about it.  I seriously have been handling this issue by layering clothing items over the backs of chairs, arms of overhead lamps, and Bambino when things have gotten desperate.

I’mma shut my pie hole now, because I respect you enough to know that you’d rather I didn’t go on any longer about my champagne problems of too many clothes-to-available-hangers ratio, and invisible home furnishings.  Take it away, Renee–

Hi readers!

Today’s DIY is nothing extravagant — in fact, it’s a project that makes sure you can’t spend much time or money making it. Most brides I encounter don’t have the energy or extra cash lying around to buy a fancy hanger since it’s such a minor detail compared to the 239847239 other items on a wedding task list… but putting just a little bit of effort into your hanger is a great way to give your dress that extra bit of pretty and personalization in the pre-wedding photos! Let’s get started.

What you’ll need:
- Wood hanger
- Tulle (approximately 20″ wide by 40″ long)
- Extra fine point black paint pent
- Clear nail polish

Step 1:
Mark the right side of the hanger with the paint pen. You can mark the date, the names, Mrs. Insert-Last-Name-Here, etc…

Step 2:
While waiting for the paint to dry, tie the tulle into a bow and snip the ends to make sure they’re even.

Step 3:
Lock in the ends of the bow by applying nail polish to any loose ends of tulle.

Step 4:
Attach the bow onto the hanger by slipping the hanger into the back knot of the bow, style accordingly.

That’s it! Simple, easy, effortless!

Enjoy!

xo Renee / with photos by Jenna Rae Photography

To find that base pic I did a Google image search for the word vagina–which, by the way, I recommend you DO NOT DO.  No seriously, I am dead serious; don’t.  don’t do it.  don’t you do it YOU’RE DOING IT STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

>:(

Aright ANYWAY people, let’s see here — where’s a good spot to start this story.  Uhh… oh right of course… beginning’s probably a good place.

So.  You remember last week when I tweeted that I’ma take a pass on reading E.L. James’ 50 Shades of Grey?  (And if you don’t use twitter, well remember just now when you found out I won’t be reading 50 Shades of Grey?)

Well I remember.  Because my Twitter blew up with more like-minded responses than that time I tweeted I won’t be eating my placenta as a milkshake.  

Now.  Since I haven’t read much about it… beyond the fact that it’s essentially an adult version of any of the Disney fairytales that feature naive lady protagonists and the men who must save them… I didn’t give it much thought.  However it was interesting to find how many other women were, like me, weirded out by the soaring path to success this seemingly run-of-the-mill piece of fiction has taken.  Bestseller list.  Widespread, sustained media attention.  Women forming book clubs just so they could do everything short of physically rubbing one out together in the same room (the sophisticated lady’s version of a circle jerk).

I thought to myself:

• “I’m no idiot.  I understand that sex sells, and that sex-packaged-as-a-legit-novel-you-can-read-while-sitting-on-the-sidelines-of-a-soccer-game (meaning books that do not feature a gaping vagina on the cover with the title “Why Don’t You Come Inside?” written along the labia) is a great way to take the shame out of the process, not to mention sell a f**kload of books.  (Go, society!)  But still… there are lots of books out there about sex.  Books written by authors who are on speaking terms with a thesaurus.  So, why this one?”

I judged that this might be a topic people want explored, so why not here on the blog.  A blog about weddings.  lol.  But so I tweeted the following soon afterwards, not really expecting anything but crossing my fingers I’d get some bites:

RT @theknottybride: I would be open to publishing a recap of 50 Shades of Grey if it was knee-slappingly hilarious enough.

And upon pressing send on that tweet, I wondered to myself; if Oprah was still around to offer her own book club suggestions instead of dangerously delegating that task to the general public, would Oprah recommend 50 Shades of Grey?

For the sticklers; I acknowledge the possibility that Oprah’s already expressed her position over on OWN, but – since you cease to exist in my world once you fall off my radar – I have no idea where she stands on this issue.  Plus I didn’t feel like looking into it, as I try to apportion the limited available time I do have to things I consider more important… like douching with Newman’s Own Organic Lemonade, and working out all the kinks in my “White Girl Wobble.”  (I’m being serious about one of those…)

ANNNYYYWAAAYYYSSS AS I WAS SAYING… I got a bite on that tweet… from the exact person I had in mind when I tweeted it.  Her name is Sharon.

The least important thing you need to know about Sharon is that she’s a reader (click here to find her on Twitter) with whom I tweet a lot.  The most important thing you should know about Sharon is that she’s a woman who lived through that l’il thing called the Women’s Liberation Movement.

And what she sent me was not the knee-slappingly hilarious recap that was her first draft.  What she sent me, instead, was a rewrite… part recap… and part “what the eff happened to my generation?!!”  And here it is:

Fifty Shades of Grey Recap & Personal Reaction ~ by Sharon

Where do I begin to recap “Fifty Shades of Grey”? Not that it is complicated, far from it; it is a simple teenage daydream, a pornographic fantasy. It starts with 21 year old Anastasia Steele, a last year college student in Portland, Oregon (almost forgot – she is also a virgin) meeting Christian Grey, an older man (I believe he is 27). Anastasia’s roommate is to interview Mr. Grey for an article for the school newspaper, but falls ill and requests that Ana do it. Before the meeting we learn that Mr. Grey is a self-made multi-millionaire who owns his own company in Seattle that employs over forty thousand people – remember, he is still 27. When Ana arrives for the interview, she is struck by the fact that all the Stepford staff have blonde hair, are gorgeous, and are intimidated by him. This forebodes a part of his personality.

When she enters his office, she trips and falls, but luckily he helps her up. It is at this moment that Anastasia notices his beautiful, hooded, grey eyes, his dark copper-colored hair, the way his pants hang off his hips, his long index finger and the fact that he is “freaking hot” (her words, not mine). Of course, in spite of his hotness she knows that she is a simple college girl a “…pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face….”

But because this is a teenage daydream, within a few days he has stalked her down, introduced her to expensive meals, fine wine, flying to Seattle for the evening and intercourse. I was astounded, not that this worldly multi-millionaire hotty pursued her, but the fact that when he took her virginity, she had a mind-blowing orgasm. How many women do you know who can say that????

Alas, as our heroine becomes more infatuated over the next few days and actually falls in love with our hero, she starts to learn one of the much darker shades of Mr. Grey. He has a red room in his condo (of course, a large expensive penthouse obtained before he was 27) that is equipped to provide pleasure or pain, depending on your proclivities, to his “Submissives”. He has had a few in the past and makes them sign a contract where he controls what they wear, what they do, how they perform, etc. Ana is not keen when he suggests that she sign a contract. Ana is looking for love not submissiveness.

He introduces her gradually to his red room, and even though she feels guilty about it, she actually enjoys it and has “intense,” “body-shattering,” “delicious,” “violent,” “all-consuming,” “turbulent,” “agonizing” and “exhausting” multiple orgasms. His true personality starts to show and he wants to control her in every way, not just sexually, but he doesn’t want her to touch his upper body. The answer to why we find out later and is the reason she forgives him for the way he is. She is becoming more and more in love with him in spite of his sexual quirkiness and his controlling ways (he only wants to protect her!!!). Of course, he is also madly in love with her and has been since she fell into his office.
He has a walk-in closet filled with designer clothes for her picked out by his personal shopper, he buys her a car for her graduation, a laptop and a Blackberry. The latter two items are so he knows where she is every minute and what she is doing – oh, no, I didn’t mean that. They are so he can stay in touch because he misses her so much, yah, that’s it! She claims that she doesn’t want these gifts but ends up keeping them and using them. She also gets a job as a junior copy editor and moves in with him.

Oh, by the way, did I mention that he owns a helicopter that he flies himself, has a large sea-going cruiser with crew, a live-in housekeeper who cleans his red room, a chauffeur-man-friday, more money than God, is an excellent classical pianist and his company, between making millions, has an altruistic project to solve third world hunger (oh, and he is still 27). All this in spite of the fact that he doesn’t seem to go to work very often and has all the time in the world to copulate with and/or control our young heroine.

They have sex, kinky, and otherwise in many places, including new experiences in the red room, and she never fails to have at least a mind blowing orgasm. He tries to control her every move and is extremely jealous. She fights against being controlled because she is a liberated woman (oh, yah!). She wants it to be love making and not just sex, no matter how mind blowing. She wants to save him from his past and heal his broken personality. They have more sex and mind blowing orgasms (it seems that there is a sexual encounter on every other page).

This takes us to perhaps chapter 8 and covers a 3 week period. For chapters 9 to 25 repeat the previous paragraph.

In the last chapter she leaves him after he spanks her several times with a belt when she has asked him to, “Show me how much it can hurt.” and he really does and she is upset. They are both desolate without each other and I am cheering and doing mental cartwheels. Being pragmatic though, we know they must get back together because there are two more books to go.

Am I crazy to expect a little bit of a plot with my gratuitous sex? God Bless the lady for creating a multi-million dollar empire out of three books and the same 150 words used over and over and over, ad nauseum.

Some of the sex in this book is extremely graphic, even though some of it I am not sure is anatomically possible. Balancing out the explicit descriptions are simple ones, such as “he touched my sex”. What the hell is that? I didn’t know I had a body part called that. The sex scenes are repeated in great detail and with such repetition that after the first one or two, they are actually boooooooooring, but I was afraid to skip any in case I missed a piece of plot.

Also, the fight within her about his control and dark nature led me to scream out loud, “Don’t allow that you stupid bitch!” However, she was so in love with him that she forgave everything and always went back for more.

I must get serious for a minute. The major thing that bothers me, other than the f______ repetition and her immature, inane, internal comments (such as, “oh crap” or “holy crap,” or “double” or “triple crap”, “Jeez” or the ever used in sexual situations “oh my”), is that so many young soccer moms love it and are even forming clubs to discuss the book and the bondage aspect. I ask myself, “Where did my generation go wrong?” We came through the sixties and seventies enlightened about sex and liberated – reading about it, writing about it and enjoying it as we pleased. For this atrocious writing to be hailed and lauded just for the sexual descriptions is outrageous. I though Harlequin had the world rights to bodice ripping sexual adventures – but at least those have a story line, or so I have been told. What has happened to this generation that this “crap” (excuse my English) could be so titillating (that is after the first two or three sexual descriptions)? I am afraid to think what they have been missing in their relationships and sexual encounters to need something this terribly written to get excited about and as some have said turned their whole relationship around.

Not that I am against descriptive, explicit sex in a book, or anywhere else for that matter, but for God’s sake please make it well-written!

~ Sharon

Alison here again… sup.  So here’s what I’m interested in learning from you:

1) You ready to start working on that Wobble?  Because if I ever get around to organizing a Meetup, it’s going to involve us making that dance the new Electric Slide of weddings.  Because I am so. done. with the electric slide.  And if you make me Macarena one more time I’m going to reconsider you as a friend.

(… Also, I will try to arrange the Meetup near a pool because, like I always say, pools just make everything better.)

2) I’d love to hear thoughts on the book, the popularity of the book, and/or Sharon’s review.  Also, have you read it or are you skipping it?  And are there any book defenders in the house?  I’m curious what other people’s personal takes are (regardless of whether you’ve read the damned thing).

Okie dokie.  I’ll see you inside the labial folds of the comment section shortly…

xoxo – Alison

Alison (that’s me) has posted on this topic today as both a concerned citizen, and as a person who has trouble getting off on the written word because… you know… modern girls have built up a bit of a tolerance.

(image credit: here’s the source of the image of that sexy-ass piece of fruit, before I added the sassy text.  which by the way… was quite sassy of me.  very much out of my typical comfort zone of sass.)

Fem·i·nism /ˈfeməˌnizəm/ noun.
1.  The theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.
Feminist /ˈfemənist/ noun.
1. A person who supports the equality of women with men.

Happy weekday, everybody.  Things going well?  Yeah?  Have you gotten around to scheduling your annual physical yet? How about brushing; you brushing?  Remember; not too hard, not too soft.  And underwear – you’re wearing some, right?  Ok I trust you.  

Ok SO!  This post is essentially a decree regarding how I’d like people to show up to my wedding, using what I found after doing hours and hours of *research* on Lulus.  Because sometimes you get carried away.  But first… I’ve at least gotta make a note, of some recent “celebrity” news: I’m assuming you’ve heard by now, that Kristen Stewart apparently cheated on her boyfriend Robert Pattinson, with her Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders, who happens to be a married father of two young kids.

So I would just like to share a few things:

Number 1: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH.

Number 2: hey look, sometime before the scandal hit the news Rupert Sanders went around saying this about KStew: “She played such a good version Bella Swan, people think Kristen Stewart is Bella Swan. She’s not, you know? If you meet Kristen, she’s wildly kind of giggly and vivacious and rebellious and naughty—all things that Bella Swan isn’t.”

Ew.

Number 3: I wouldn’t have even made mention of this “news” if it weren’t for the fact that there are young children, and a wife, involved.  And at the core of it a man – a smart, older man who knows better.  And who thought nothing of the impact this situation would have on his wife, his kids, and the life of the young starlet he got it on with.  I have trouble finding fault with Kristen Stewart, beyond her allowing herself to act on desires without considering all of the people it would impact.  But it’s hard to feel surprised when you consider how out of touch she is.  It’s obvious she has issues in her life.  I’m not going to assume I know what they are.  All I know is she makes the kinds of faces I used to make when I was a tween, when I was still extremely uncomfortable in my own skin.  She’s young, she’s new, she “had everything going for her” — and now she’s that actress who got it on with an old, married father.  There is something more to this girl that nobody knows and I’m not even sure she does.  Anyway, my two cents.

Ok back to the positive stuff now.

I’ve been thinking about dress codes for a while, and I think I came up with a decent idea, specifically for getting people to show up looking sufficiently fancy pantsy.  (Not yet sure if I’m gonna employ it at my own wedding, ’cause I wanna get your thoughts first.)  So many people struggle with conveying to their guests exactly what’s appropriate/preferred and what’s not.  It’s an unnecessary anguish that I wanna address somehow.  So; what if we start a new thing where you have some sort of Best Dressed Guest award, and the winner gets a prize/can push the bride into the pool at the end of the reception/wins immunity and can remain on the island?  Sorry, I’m being silly, but you get me on this, right?  Anyway is it stupid in your opinion?  Or F**KING GENIUS. ;)  Aright cool, lemme know.

Ok a disclaimer before we get into the meat of this post: One thing you probably already know about me is that I’m in the habit of blogging things I either really love and appreciate, or am desperate to mock.  So just because I may like something or w-evs, it doesn’t mean I’m saying I need you to start liking it or else.  Because DOY.  But also because I am a sincere proponent of people generally doing what they like to do.  The dress code you decide to enforce strictly and without mercy upon family and friends is YOUR business, not mine.  All I can say is dress codes are important if the pictures you’re spending good money for matter to you at all.  Alright we’re done here.  Signed, Captain Obvious.

Here’s a cute thing Bambino and I like to do: sometimes he’ll look up me at my desk, as if to say, “you are a huge bitch, hang out with me more.”  And then I usually drop everything for him.  (Repeat seven times a day.)  Well.  After finding an area of the floor he had not yet covered in his sneeze blasts, Bams and I cuddled up as usual under the sunlight streaming through the blinds I had partially drawn to keep the apartment cool.  (I leave the blinds slightly open though regardless of how hot it is because this frenchie’s favorite thing in the world to do besides sniff other dogs’ asses is sun bathe.)  Here’s the kicker: usually our daydreams are wildly different, which is understandable.  Though on occasion, my mind will drift to thoughts of pee-stained sidewalks or puddles of pee or a tasty intestine-ripping stick and so we’ll dream-merge.

This time, however, was quite different, because out of nowhere we both started thinking about… get this… the fashion element of engagements and weddings.  It was shocking, especially since I was under the impression that this happens only with girl french bulldogs.  Suffice it to say, it was a good afternoon.

The whole thing happened right after I had finished eating my lunch, which I had prepared using the wild mushrooms Bambino had gathered for me on one of our earlier walks.  Anyway here’s what we came up with as paramount:

1.  Finding juuuust the right kind of outfit for your complexion, hair color and body type.  Because not all dresses are made for all women, which is annoying but true.  So– give me a well-tailored slightly playful frock with a sexy pop of color that’ll make my whole situation stand out?  I can’t explain it, but a dress like that has a way of making me feel like I could move mountains.  Like I could do that thing where you “have it all.”  The right way, not that way where you tell people you “have it all,” but in reality you feel like “you have a lot of it, almost all of it, but the effort it takes to have all of it is leaving you too tired to derive true pleasure from any of it.”  You know, that kind.  The one that everybody who goes around telling people “you can have it all” has.

So anyway, that’s exactly the attitude I need going into a photo shoot.  The blind belief that having it all is possible.  Or, in more real life terms, that I feel like a hot piece of ass.  Because ya gotta feel good about how you’re looking, if you wanna look that way, like, in pictures taken of you.

2.  Having everyone at the wedding dressed like they came to party. hearty.  And that doesn’t mean dressing like a sexually frustrated high school valedictorian at her first fraternity party.  It means with your underpants ON, people.

Anyway here, check out my faves (from Lulus), because it’s time.  Because what is a fashion blog post without any fashions (am I right, Dwight?)?

 Icing on the Cake Cream Lace Dress

Lucy Love Monique Ivory Dress

LULUS Exclusive Party Don’t Stop Ivory Dress

Hole in One Ivory Eyelet Lace Dress

Wheel of Fashion Cream Lace Dress

faves (in no particular order; some images not shown): Birthday Party Mint Green Lace Dress, That’s a Wrap Long Sleeve Mint Green Dress, Long Time No Sleeve Blue Jumpsuit, LULUS Exclusive Party Don’t Stop Black Dress, Southern Hospitality Peach Polka Dot Dress, Iris You Were Here Floral Print Shift Dress, Woodland Frolic Mint Green Dress, Sorbet Course Yellow and Peach Dress, Stripe Back at Ya Coral and Ivory Striped Dress

SOME FUN GOLDEN ARMOR (omg how lame am I to call it “armor.” lol you guys)

Zad Chevron Crossing Cuff Bracelet, Zad All You Need is Love Gold Stacking Rings, Skull Days Gold Skull Bracelet, Spike-r of the House Gold Spike Bracelet

You know that feeling when you see a piece of jewelry, and you go from being this normal person, to being this person who cannot exist without that item of jewelry?  That happened a couple of times today.

Quick Linking Gold Necklace

Last Minute Finish Gold Collar Necklace

Heart of Glass Heart Sunglasses have obvious photo booth potential:

Spike’s Peak Beige and Gold Headband…

… because it just seems cool to have one of your guests walking around with spikes coming out of her head.

By the way: these things are usually all wrong for me, so I can’t figure out what it is about this collar full of sequins–oh ok it’s the sequins.

In the interest of setting up boundaries, let’s talk about what you shouldn’t show up in:

This is going to shock Honey, since the colors I often wear to bed have earned me the nickname “Watermelon,” but I am forreals not fond of this little look…

… unless the event is one super duper casual affair; in which case, keep the top but kill the pink puff and pair it with something more chill (other than these jean shorts of course-sorry)…

So, in conclusion, I need these gold bracelets:

Love it all or hate it all?  THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN.

Also, any thoughts to share on the Stewart sitch?  Quite a pickle.

xoxo  - Alison

Happiest of Monday eves, my dahlinks.

Ahhhh, the Kristen Stewart Twilight cheating scandal.  What a hugely devastating situation-in-no-way-to-us-personally.  Right, children of Earth?  Shame; Hollywood relationships usually work out so much better.

Well anyway, I think we could all agree we’ve learned one pretty big lesson out of all this.  And that is that Rob’s last name is actually spelled Pattinson – not “Patterson,” as I had previously thought.

THANK YOU FOR THE COVERAGE, INFINITE POOL OF GOSSIP WEBSITES THAT ARE SLOWLY DESTROYING ME!

You know you really can skip this part unless you want to hear me rant on some shiz.

Inappropriateness of Offense: Orange I guess?  Source of inappropriateness: NBC cameraman/person(s) directing cameraman.  Location: gymnastics… area–er-arena, I think? is it ‘floor?’

Not sure if any of you guys have been subjected to the rather unique coverage job NBC’s been executing with the London Olympics.  But, for the record, it has not been in any way jolly good, bang on, OR bloody terrific — and I’m pretty sure Madonna would agree with me verbatim.  In fact I literally *had to stop watching* around the end of women’s gymnastics, during the part where NBC acted like a Royal douchebag for SEVERAL MINUTES by fixating its lens on the sad-girl-most-full-of-knee-buckling-sadness, or, Jordyn Marie Wieber.   It was around minute two of sustained footage of this girl as she wept immediately behind her more successful teammates who were being interviewed in the foreground (as well as wholly ignored by viewers since Jordyn was the obvious attraction here, it was undeniable)… that I broke.  YELLED OUT FOR IT TO END.  It just felt really wrong.  Like SO wrong.  Really– it is only ok to do this kind of filming in horror movies.  And even then, I personally have never seen a horror movie home in on a murdered woman’s FACE for several minutes – while she’s suffering an emotional OR physical death! - in the hopes of delighting viewers.  I don’t know a single person who wasn’t likely physically grossed out by the sustained footage of this poor athlete crying in defeat.  It was like someone told the person filming to “stay on her until it is physically apparent to the viewer that she has come to terms with the harsh reality of disappointing a nation, and failing at the only thing she’s ever really been good at.”

Am I just being too emotional about this, and the truth is that we’ve been watching NBC cameramen get intrusive close-ups of young women crying after being humiliated, for years now?  Or have these guys been taking their pointers from last night’s porno’s.  You know exactly what I’m talking about.

Arighty let’s get down to business.  No more kidding around; we have a hilarious music video, hilarious cat video and a hilarious and stunning couple’s wedding to get to – so you can see that this is SERIOUS.  Ok, now!  Here’s the deal: everybody loves a stellar video, right?  And you guys already know that I don’t tend to feature videos outside of the wedding-related realm unless it’s super extra brilliant to the extreme.  Cases in point: anything with kittens or puppies generally being adorable, double rainbows, or any other thing that makes my stomach toned from laughter.  ”OLD NEWS, Alison” – I know.

But what is it, pray tell, that makes a certain type of video a uniquely rewarding viewing experience?

Well.  If you’re familiar with the internet, the concoction seems simple enough: purchase a cat + purchase some kind of thing the cat might perhaps climb into/onto/around/through and/or hold firmly in order to attack + press record and wait until you capture a funny moment on your camera phone.  S**t is that what they’re still calling it these days – a “camera phone” – ?  My instincts tell me there’s a hipper way of saying camera phone.  Aright WHATEVER SORRY so as far the cat videos go, here’s a prime example of one-uh-ma faaaaves:

Ahhh, good times.  That kitten was trying to ball himself up, and I got to watch the whole thing, while also listening to a calming tune.  Hehe.  That was a pleasurable experience and I am better for watching it.  But.  There’s got to be more out there, more than cat videos to make us laugh contentedly while also inspiring happy emotions!!  The kind of stuff that has a group of people behind it, and a great tune we can all enjoy, and in general a lot of people who really worked their butts off to create something unique; something truly keepsake-level awesome.

ENTER: this lip-dub day of wedding music video.  :)  I just took the scenic route to telling you that Melinda and Nick, along with their cinematographer and photographer team, made almost this whole thing you’re about to see ON THEIR WEDDING DAY.  A day during which the last thing you have time to do is film a professional looking lip-dubbed music video using nearly every member of your family.

In fact I’d say this video, submitted by One Tree Photography (along with the couple’s pictures) completely absolves Melinda of the fact that she met Nick by crashing a wedding.  You sneaky, brilliant girl. ;)  (More on that in Melinda’s write-up!)

Seriously though you guys– if there ever was a good piece of evidence to prove how much fun your wedding day can turn out looking, it is this video; brimming with fun, smiles and that elusive ability *not* to get psyched out by extremely awkward lip-synching exchanges that require you to gaze into people’s eyes for unnatural lengths of time while being filmed up close by strangers.

Read about how they met and found love, in Melinda’s absolutely adorable and entertaining write-up:

About Us…

Nick and I met at a wedding. A wedding He was invited to and I came as a “crasher” to. One night I was with my friend Erin and we met up with Erin’s brother who told us all of his friends were at a wedding and we should stop by. Erin convinced me there were several single boys there that I should meet. So we loaded up the car and off we went. When we got there I was a little nervous but it ended up that I did get to strike up a conversation and laugh the night away with one particular guy. Nights after the wedding Erin and I would invite ourselves over to the guy’s house to make dinner.  Eventually Nick left Erin off the e-mails and we began making our own dinner dates and dates. Erin, who also dates one of Nick’s friends, eventually moved to Washington D.C. to be closer to her boyfriend. After dating for a year and a half Nick and I took a trip to visit Erin and Andrew in Washington D.C. The morning we got in was the morning Nick took me up to the balcony over looking D.C. and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. It was the most amazing day and I was so excited that we just looked at each other and laughed. A year and one month later we were married!

Nick is a fireman with the Kansas City, MO fire department. He loves hanging with the boys and having generally a good time. In his free time he also works at Favorite Healthcare and is getting adventurous in the kitchen. When Nick and Melinda met, Melinda’s family owned Mady and Me Children’s boutique. She loves all things shopping and likes to cook.

Wedding Details…

City and State of Wedding: Unity Village, MO

We wanted our wedding to reflect us. Laid back and lots of fun. We chose to do everything all in once place. People came to our ceremony, walked a few feet to the reception and if they stayed the night it was just a few more feet away. We wanted it to be more of a summer time bash over 4th of July weekend so we had a touch of Old Hollywood Glamour mixed with a backyard BBQ.

Since it was 4th of July weekend we did our own spin of patriotic colors and went with Tiffany Blue and Cherry Red. The day was very HOT! It had to be over 100 degrees during the day. Luckily our ceremony was in the evening just as the sun was going down.

Vendors…

Bridal Gown Designer: Melissa Sweet, Bridal Extraordinaire, Shawnee, KS. My Mom and I both saw the dress at separate times in a Martha Stewart magazine. I was at her house one day when she opened the magazine and said, “Here’s your dress.” She didn’t know that just days before I had seen the very same dress and fell in love with it. I was then very excited to find out that Bridal Extraordinaire was the place that carried the dress. We have been friends with the owners and I was hopping to get my dress with them. They flew in the dress and it fit perfectly. I really only tried on other dresses for fun. This dress was the one I had to have.

Bridal Shoes: Kate Spade-These shoes I had my eye on and when we went to Texas for a girl’s trip they had a Kate Spade store. I tried them on and fell in love. Since my dress was tea length, I had to have some killer shoes to match.

Bridesmaid Dress Designer (and store): Assortment of J.Crew dresses- I wanted my girls to have the same color of dress but be able to have a different cut if they wanted it. They all looked beautiful.

Cake/Bakery: White cake and cake balls in three flavors from Delectable
Desserts. The owner makes the most amazing cake. We had strawberry, carrot and Oreo cake balls to match. My husband loves carrot cake and Oreos, so we had these for him. The cake balls were all gone by cake cutting time.

Caterer: Unity Village-We had hamburger sliders, homemade sweet potato and potato chips, chicken skewers, veggies, crab Rangoon dip and cheese assortment

Ceremony Site: The Rose Garden at Unity Village

Ceremony Musicians: We had some friend’s of friends perform for us. They sang acoustic songs. My favorite was when I walked down the aisle to “It’s a Beautiful Day by U2.

DJ: Kelly Howe with Party Sounds

Favors: Our guests took pictures in a photo booth and had one copy to take home and one copy for a guest book.

Flowers: Amy Cason with Vintage Gardens-She was outstanding!

Hair Stylist: Jill Kessler-Friend of the Bride

Invitations: Announce This-Allie Statler-I found invitations that a man who worked at Mint had designed for his own wedding. They had a caricature of the couple and were just so cute and different. Allie with Announce This was able to take this design and make it our very own. Not to be biased but they were the most amazing invitations I have ever seen. Very unique and different. At the ceremony she also printed programs that had a couple games and also check marks next to the ceremony details so guests could check off what had been done.

Thanks so much for sharing your fanf**kinTASTIC wedding and adorably sweet and entertaining music video, Melinda and Nick!  Awesome song choice, by the way.  Jamming out in ma desk chair to a fun video that has the added bonus of getting to hear a song I haven’t yet tired of is something that does not happen everyday.  :)

I just have to make a note of how fun it is that they met at another wedding, and that she CRASHED IT!  I find that I enjoy this female and would like to make her acquaintance at some point IRL.  Perhaps do a little harmless DNA testing, you know, hop over to clinic, say, ask for the results of our paternity test, and then a little catching up on the decades of biological sisterhood we missed out on? … or whatever.  Call me maybe?

Ok so, friendlies – what do you think?  About anything.  Do you dig wedding day music videos?  Would you do one yourself?  I honestly don’t know how I wouldn’t nervously laugh through the whole thing and screw it all up, if it were me.

Can’t wait to hear your thoughts.

xoxo!  - Alison

P.S. – In case any of you took my wedding crashing encouragement to heart, I would like to absolve myself of any blame going forward, should you adopt wedding crashing as your new hobby/method of cornering men if you are currently in pursuit.  But also, omigod have so much fun.

Photography: One Tree Photography – Matt and Mike / Cinematography: Mike Ransdell with One Tree Photography / Bridal Gown Designer: Melissa Sweet, Bridal Extraordinaire / Bridal Shoes: Kate Spade / Bridesmaid dresses: J.Crew / Cake: Delectable Desserts / Caterer: Unity Village / Ceremony Site: The Rose Garden at Unity Village / DJ: Kelly Howe with Party Sounds / Flowers: Amy Cason with Vintage Gardens / Hair Stylist: Jill Kessler-Friend of the Bride / Invitations: Announce This-Allie Statler / Jeweler: Helzberg Diamond / Makeup Artist: Jill Kessler / Men’s Attire: The Tuxedo Butler / Officiant: Duke Tufty / Reception Venue: Unity Village

Happy Thursday afternoon, human beings!  This post is a little different today.  Mostly different in terms of it having a baby picture of me in it.  So not “different cool;” more like “different weird,” and “different completely off-topic.”  So umm yeah.  That.  But there is a purpose!

Fortunately, the cooler news is that I have a brand new DIY for your face’s eyes from the talented Renee Hong again, and it’s just as awesome as ever.  She has a way of making me thankful that there are people who work hard to pursue careers that actually make them happy.  Is that something you’re doing?  I’d love to hear more stories of dream-pursuit, if you’ve got ‘em.  I get off on this kind of thing.  Ok, now let’s get this baby nonsense out of the way…

I found this picture of me on a visit home recently.  It’s from when I was just a sweet whittle behbehkins, with little to no signs of what is now a crippling tendency towards perfectionism.  As you can see quite clearly, here:  

Getting to the point.  I am submitting this as photographic evidence of the fact that I, Alison, as the whittle behbeh above, INVENTED:

1. polka dot trend
2. doily trend
3. ornate collar trend
4. oversized sweater trend
5. smiling trend
6. inspired the hit show ‘Bunheads.’

Allllll at the tender age of *A BABY*         …… jealous?

Note: I have made some bold assertions here, I see that.  What does this mean for you?  It means this: I will be accepting all claims to the contrary of my assertions in the form of your own baby pictures, which you can send in as evidence via email (theknottybride@gmail.com).

This is for ultimate bragging rights.  So if you’re gonna come at me, COME HARD.

Aright so!  This is probably a good time to stop being weird and start in with today’s project – which by the way I’m dying to know your thoughts on.

Okie dokie take it away, Renee….

Hi everyone!

Today I’m sharing a hairpiece for you natural and simple brides. This floral garland is perfect for a nature-inspired or bohemian wedding, and can be worn by brides and bridesmaids and flower girls alike! Customize it with your own colors to tie it all into your wedding, or keep it traditional with the white look — any way you wear it, this piece is bound to add that extra pretty touch!

What you’ll need:

- Natural bark covered wire
- Fake branch of small white/ivory blossoms
- Wire cutters
- Hot glue gun

Step 1: Cut two pieces of bark wire, each measuring the crown of the bride’s head plus about 10 inches.

Step 2:
Twist the bark together at the end and bend it to create an eye-like shape. Twist again to enclose the shape, and continue to do this all the way until the end of the wire (I made the eye shapes progressively larger until reaching the middle, then going back smaller to make it symmetrical around). Remeasure when you get towards the end to make sure the garland fits. You will want the twisted band to come about 3 inches short around the crown of the head — cut to size as necessary!

Step 3: Snip the flowers off of the branches and glue to the intersections in the garland. Continue all the way around, varying the flower bunch sizes as you go to give it a more natural look.

Step 4:
To fill those missing 3 inches in the back and finish the garland, glue and bunch the leftover flowers together and attach them to enclose the back, covering the raw ends of the wire.

All finished!!

Jenna Rae Photos has done an incredible job with the photos once again… but I’m sure it was hardly any trouble with that gorrrrgeous model! The prettiest, right?! Thanks Aubrey!

What do you think? Would you wear it on your wedding day… or even an engagement shoot?

xo Renee

Sometimes, we can start to feel a little lost.

It can happen to anyone, at any time in one’s life.  During the happiest times, even, and in the happiest relationships.

Because “perfection” does not exist in this realm.  It doesn’t apply to relationships.  We live in a real world, and shack up with real people who have real emotions.  Emotional baggage is something everyone has.  It’s not this “bad thing” that we should feel shame talking about openly.  And there are types of baggage; some of it requires substantial effort to get through/cope with, and some of it requires only venting to understanding friends.  All I know is that I feel it’s time for us to talk about all of it honestly.  I feel like I’ve been ready for this for a while, aching for it.  This is my dream for all of us, to be able to get super raw despite the pride and potential for embarrassment that so often blocks that kind of discussion.  We have to talk openly as human beings, otherwise how will the generations after us ever learn how to become whole.  And I’d love for you to come along for the ride.  Or just sit back and listen as the rest of us do.

Love songs have always disappointed me, for their tendency to keep it light.  Even songs that try to tackle the most difficult parts of relationships – they still seem hollow to me.  Until this one.

British singer Rebecca Ferguson’s songs are among the first I’ve heard in a while that go to the core of life, and relationships, and the insecurities we have, both substantiated and unfounded.  Relationships aren’t cut and dry, and the problems we encounter in them are often difficult to tackle properly.  But the good thing is that whatever you’re going through, 1.3 million other people have been through as well, in almost identical fashion.  We just *think* we’re more alone than we actually are.  And even if you know that already, it doesn’t make it any easier to reveal to loved ones.  Embarrassment is the typical reason for us keeping things to ourselves.  We don’t want people to have reason to doubt the quality of our relationships.

Especially when we’re planning our weddings.  

I try to fight against the tendency we have, as humans (and, admittedly, as a blogger) to focus on the positive side of relationships, while mostly ignoring all the other stuff.  The embarrassing stuff.  The stuff we didn’t anticipate at the outset, and the stuff that we’re too proud to share with others, even when we’re completely at a loss for how to get things back on track.

This reader question stopped me dead in my tracks.  I tried to answer it as honestly as I can.  Because this reader’s question is the essence of what most reader questions I see are about.  I want her to know she’s not alone.

Dear TKB/Alison,

Our wedding is less than two months away and I feel completely alone.  Even when he’s in the room, I feel alone, and he looks like he feels alone, too.  It’s terrifying and painful and makes me angry.  But mostly sad.  And defeated.  And I feel weaker than I ever thought I could, now that we’re at a point where I’m afraid to say what’s really on my mind.  I think my biggest fear is that something I might say might make him realize this isn’t the relationship for him, and he’ll walk.   And I’ll have said something that was the catalyst for our going separate ways.  As I write this I’m crying my eyes out.  I have nothing left in me.  I walk around like a zombie, I feel so empty.  We hardly talk about anything real.  Not that we used to have deep, philosophical conversations but there was moooorrre to us.  Something, I can’t put my finger on it.  I felt like we used to be so much more in tune with one another.  We’re drifting more and more apart with every  conversation we have about the wedding.  At this point I have had to ignore the fact that the wedding’s fast approaching just because I’m too afraid to push him farther away by nagging him about details which now seem so unimportant, in the scheme of things.

I’m really scared and have no one to talk to who I feel could understand or help me in my life.  I’m scared I’m losing the man who used to send me text messages with potential baby names he thought up.  I’m scared I’m losing myself.  I’m scared of what it means for my relationship that I’m writing to (no offense) a blogger who I don’t even know in real life, instead of feeling comfortable enough to speak openly to the person I love and have chosen as my life partner.

Wedding planning seems to have been a conduit for bringing out all of our bad stuff.  I wasn’t worried about it at first because I had heard it can get really tough, and it can sometimes test your relationship but I never thought it could get THIS tough.  I’m finding out that we weren’t as connected as I thought we were over the last three years we’ve been together.  (Or we were, but things have regressed?)  I feel almost at a point where it feels like it’s never going to get better.  It just seems he’s on autopilot and letting me guide things, and I feel like he is open to talking but only if he doesn’t have to do anything too introspective or hear me feel sad.  

I’m not even trying to act like an innocent; I JUST DON’T KNOW WHERE WE WENT WRONG AND I’M TRYING.  I’M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING.  I love him so much, and I feel absolutely certain he authentically wanted to marry me before we set out to plan a wedding.  We just stopped being *us* at some point, I don’t know when, but communication changed fundamentally between us and ever since then we’ve been drifting apart.  I’m trying to be strong, and I think we were both trying really hard, we cried during some arguments months ago.  Now it’s cold here.  I feel almost at a point where I’m unsure if the love I thought I had even ever existed as something real in the first place.  I don’t really know what it is I’m asking you, but I feel like my world is so small right now.  Please help.  I need to hear this could be normal between two people.  But if it’s not, please just tell me.  I’m done falling to pieces, I just want to know if I should keep trying or be strong and move on with my life.

Thank you for listening.

Dear Reader,

Weddings are wonderful.  Except when a certain thing happens.

The thing = when your focus becomes your wedding almost exclusively, and your relationship – the very thing that got you to this point together – is almost wholly ignored due to the false belief that a relationship is a self-sustaining entity requiring little food or water to survive.  Natural human tendency is to want [the moment someone proposes] + [the moment someone says yes to that proposal] to = [the relationship is on lockdown.]  That you’re officially committed forever and ever, and so now you can just focus on things like birch place cards and first dance songs without that nagging concern that one of you is ever going to change his or her mind.  Because the truth of the human condition is that, at our core, we want to be loved for the truth of who we are.  We seek acceptance from a lover, wholly and without hesitation.

But every human being is different.  And every human being has his/her own insecurities, and unique needs, that they bring to a relationship.  And it’s up to us as members of relationships to voice those needs, and to be true to ourselves about what we desire from our partners.  And to want our partners to tell us what they want and what they need, and to be willing and to want to answer those wants and needs, so that they feel loved wholly and without hesitation.  Some people are naturally able to achieve that balance.  Others work through major issues finally to get to that serene point of mutual exchange and understanding.  But that’s not real life for a lot of people.  For most people, a relationship needs to go through a lot of growing pains, before they can ever really feel open and connected in the truest most satisfying sense.  This includes growing together, as a union of two, it’s hardly ever a negative thing.  That’s why they call it growing pains.  They just need to be open to it, not to fear it, and to understand the importance and rewards involved.

The thing is, people often get caught up thinking that ‘real love’ is effortless.  And they’re right.

But this is not about ‘real love.’  Real Love and a Successful Relationship are not synonymous.

This lies at the source of most unexpected problems that come up in relationships, and is usually a major player along the road to divorce.  Not wedding planning; *trusting* that a relationship will just sustain itself on the love you have.  Even without significant effort put into it for long periods of time.  Like, for example, while planning a wedding.

You have to talk to him.  You have to share with him that you’ve been scared to say the things on your mind.  Tell him the things you told me.  If you don’t say exactly what’s on your mind, you will eternally regret it, regardless of whether you’re together or not 5, 10, 50 years from now.

What you have is extreme fear, and it’s controlling your entire body.  So what I want you to do is decide to accept that being honest, right now, is the only option.  EVEN IF IT MEANS BAD TIMES ARE AHEAD OF YOU, either with him, or without him.  Even if it means you have to postpone the wedding.  I need you to allow yourself NOT TO LET THE MONEY YOU’VE INVESTED, or your crippling fear of loss, to dictate your behavior within this relationship.

Above everything, we have to be true to ourselves, and to determine what we are looking for within our relationship with our partner.  True openness is the path to personal truth, and the deepest kind of connection and understanding between human beings.  For some it comes easy.  For others it’s a battle, and this all depends on the baggage we bring to relationships.  And the honesty we are capable of having within ourselves.

Good luck.  I think that, no matter how he responds, you are an incredibly self-aware, intelligent woman who I feel knows exactly what she wants and deserves out of her relationship.  And I like your understanding that it takes two to bring things back on track.  I just hope he’s both capable and willing to bear his soul to you.  Because sometimes we’re afraid to be brutally honest with the people we love.  But only then, can we ever hope to lead lives of honesty and real fulfillment.

Sorry that was so intense, but this is some fucking intense shit we’re dealing with here.  That’s why I didn’t asterisk it by writing f**king or s**t.  This is the real deal.  Life.  And I’m not interested in asterisking the truth.  I hope I’ve helped.  Though honestly all I really want to do right now is go hold you as a friend, and tell you that no matter how this all plays out, you’re going to be ok.  Be strong, and know that honesty with oneself and honesty with loved ones is the single righteous path.

I’m sure the readers will have more to say, and I look forward to their advice, too.  We want to help you.  But especially we just want you to know that you’re not alone in this.  You are just one more person dealing with the same life shit that we all are susceptible to.  And if it helps to know this, Honey and I have had our rocky times, too.  And I’m certain we’ll have more.  Because really good things don’t come easy.  Otherwise everybody’d have no trouble finding the perfect relationship.

xoxo,

Alison

Friends: If you’re in the mood to add in your voice to this discussion, I hope you will.  Whether you’ve experienced anything similar yourself, or a friend has encountered a similar situation, or you just want to contribute some encouraging words, or personal advice.

My hope is to make this an ongoing discussion.   I just feel like there are a l0t of people who need to be able to see this talked out somewhere.

On an additional, final note: the images I decided to include in this post are from a submission by Anna Pociask Photography.  They’re magnificent, and I’m looking forward to unveiling the full shoot very soon.  

Photography: Anna Pociask Photography, LLC / Submitted via Two Bright Lights

Hey guys!  Happy Thursday afternoon to your entire collective face.  Ok so in this post we’ve got three things:

• a boudoir shoot
• tips for rocking it right
• my puppy, Bambino Wigglestein McPuppypants, III, Esquire

I included my puppy because you guys like me to include pictures of my puppy, but also because:

A universal truth.

Ok now listen – I dunno what you had for lunch, but I just had some crispy sweet potato fries, so I am ALL SET.  Actually Bambino really enjoyed watching me eat them.  It was his pleasure…

Either it was his pleasure, or he would like to muddy my face in his poopings if I don’t hand over the remaining fries that I have inadvertently placed *just* out of reach of his shnoz.  Oh well.  In other news, BOUDOIR!

Chelsea Maras, of the aptly named Chelsea Maras Photography, submitted this stellar I Am Woman Hear Me Motherf**king Roar type of shoot (at least that’s what I think of when I see these pictures), and I’m thrilled to share not only the inspiration it provides for what you can do with a lovely summer’s day and a random available field (that you’ve checked for nearby little league games first), but ALSO AS WELL — I’m throwing in a bunch of important simple tips I think you might like to have on ya, should you pursue the rocking of one of these types of shoots yourself.

Aright, YEAH!

Starting with my first one…

TIP: I’m definitely a big proponent of feeling good about yourself WITHOUT makeup, and hardly wear any to work.  But work is 14 steps from my bedroom, at my desk in our office.  So that’s not really fair of me.  But ANYWAY, that said– I want you to know that I am a HUGE PROPONENT of great makeup for your boudoir shoot.  It just makes everything that much better.  So rock some stellar makeup, and prepare to feel sexier and more alive than you ever possibly could while standing in a field of tall grass in your skivvies.

TIP: bring some seating not normally found in nature, for an added pop of colorful detail AND for a comfortable break between shots. :)

TIP: Headgear is ALWAYS  a good idea, especially if it’s loud, magazine-layout type shots you’re after…

TIP: Relax.  Enjoy the process.  If you’re comfortable with your body, you can look great in ANYTHING.  Check out this confident gal in a pair of what look to be fantastically high-waisted leather shorts!  She’s KILLIN in those things.

Here’s the background behind the shoot from Chelsea:

“California Native” was the brain child of myself, Chelsea Maras and a good friend of mine, Brianna Romano, who was the makeup artist for the shoot! Brianna and I both love fashion and have a background in styling so we teamed up in an effort to show how clients could make Boudoir unique and fashion forward! From a photographer’s point of view I want my clients to know that Boudoir can be more than just “sexy lingerie photos.” I want them to feel empowered and confident with their sexuality. From an artistic viewpoint, I want to take Boudoir out of the bedroom and into nature where the beauty of the women can be complimented by a beautiful backdrop. Growing up in California I feel like so many of us forget to stop and take in the beautiful place in which we live, I like to treat my photo shoots like an adventure into our natural surrounds. The style of the shoot was inspired by Native American culture who advocate for a deeper connection to the natural surroundings. Doing a stylized Boudoir shoot is a fun day where the client or bride can discover their inner Earth Goddess and spend the day outside being treated like a super model. My advice to brides who are considering a Boudoir shoot is to plan, I like the work with them and create an inspiration board for their shoot so that it is uniquely theirs! For brides, a Little Black Book makes for an awesome gift for their groom before the big day and allows them to capture this special time in their lives in a very personal way! I love for each shoot to hold special meaning for my ladies, whether it be inspired by the place they spent their first Anniversary or their guys favorite sports team, each shoot is different and special in it’s own way!

Thanks for sending us such a stellar shoot, Chelsea!  Amazeballs inspiration for a little atypical outdoor action!  ;)

One more TIP, for the road: Beach waves never hurt anybody….

He still hasn’t given up.  I can’t lift a finger without getting the below reaction while these fries are still unfinished.

Ok ladies, so lemme hear it — would YOU dare to shoot a session in the great outdoors?  And if so, do you think you’d require at least two shots of tequila before you did it (like me)?

xoxo  - Alison

Photography: Chelsea Maras Photography / Submitted via Two Bright Lights / Makeup: Brianna Romano

The Cream is happening right here in my neck of the woods, right where there are no woods, or, New York City.  So that idiom doesn’t apply.  But WHATEVER you are coming to this event, right?

Here’s their site to perrrruuuuuse.  As if this requires convincing.  Oh and surprise = I’mma have a table.  So I wanna meet ya FACES, and you, mine.  Warning: I’m just as effusive and weird as you think I am.  However, I’m shy at the outset.  So I seriously welcome butt slaps to ease me into a conversation.  Please though, just not too hard, the butt slaps.  Here- think “congratulations, female teammate!” butt slap intensity, and NOT “what was our safe word again!?!?!” level butt slap intensity.  If I scream and then karate chop you in the shoulder, you’ll know you’ve gone too far.

Aright, so buy your tickets here, to meet the cream of the crop in weddings… but HURRY UP, I’m not trying to push you I’m literally telling you that they’re almost sold out.  And FYI: if you miss this event, you will live to regret it.  I won’t hunt you down or anything, you’ll just one day realize that you didn’t get to party with everyone you respect in weddings (not including me, I curse and wear Bar Mitzvah t-shirts to work every day; I am not to be respected).

Come party with us!  It’s too cheap to miss!

Did I mention The Knotty Bride will have a table?  Oh, I did?  Oh right.  Anyway at least come say hello to me.  And be sure to let me know if you’re going, so I can look out for you.  yayYUH!

xoxo, Alison

If you’re wondering what I’ve been up to…

I’m givin all this s**t out at The Cream tonight, y’all.  Ok, here’s how to recognize me:

1) When you arrive at the event and you see all that crap above that I made, you’ll know you’ve found li’l old me.  But if you find you’re still unsure…

2) Look for the dirty blonde with the huge zit on her forehead!  Easy peasy.  Though honestly I’m hoping it’ll decide to grant me a mitzvah and simmer down before everything’s underway.  So don’t rely too heavily on the zit for recognition purposes. :)

Aright see ya tonight.

xoxo!  – Alison

P.S. – you bought your tickets, yeah?  Just checking.

(Sorry for the absence midweek, much needed brain-detox needed to happen.  Turns out event preparation and home buying are F**KING EXHAUSTING.)

Aright so that’s right, Friday party people.  I just led off with a threesome reference.  And I’m not f**kin around. …aside from the fact that the post has little to do with three people having sex.  Actually, interesting fact: reading this blog post is going to be waaaaay more rewarding and much less physically demanding, as compared to mushing three bodies together and hoping to be the person with the smallest workload.  So what I’m saying is the overall experience of this blog post is much more likely than a threesome to live up to the hype you’ve dreamed up in your head about it.

We should start over.  Let’s start over.   

Golden Thing #1 (of 3):  The fantastics behind The Cream Event we wuz att this past Tuesday sent us the photo coverage from the event and OMGI’MPOSITIVELYSWOONING.  Be here first thing next week, because this blog will be awash in Creamy imagery from the event.  Thanks for bringing such loveliness to mine eyes, Rebecca Hansen.  A teensy taste:

Golden Thing #2:  Tell me… while surfing the internet during a much needed break from whatever work you’re paid to do between the hours of 9 to 6 M thru F, have you ever come across any of those sensational fringed balloons that have been floating around the internet lately (or for the past year or so, is the actual amount of time)?  You know the ones; they tend to be as tremendously fantastic as they are fantastically tremendous.. you’ve seen them, right?  For those of you not already aware, those fringed balloon arrangements (they’re so much more than ‘fringed balloon arrangements,’ forgive me that phrase is NOT doing it justice) are the brainchild of Jihan Zencirli of Geronimo Balloons.

Why am I telling you this?  Well, a fun little tidbit for ya face: our DIY Bloggista Renee Hong works with Jihan.  So in summary: WHAT. A. COLLAB. THAT IS. YOU GUYS.

But wait, there’s more!  More?  You can’t be serious.  I can!  And I am!  Two of my favorite kinds of things to happen in life are happening, and they’re specifically happening to you if you’re on the West coast.  They are:

1. Jihan and Renee are teaching a party planning class for all of you fun-seekers out there!  It’s called **Golden Hour** and it’s in LA.  And the other thing is…
2. They’re giving Knotty readers a special discount if you’re going with a friend!  So, as that new girl on the NYC Real Housewives says at the opening of the show, “HOL-LAAA!”

There are two classes- one on Saturday, August 25; the other on Sunday, August 26.  Renee and Jihan ”will be teaching hosting tips and party tricks and ways to make your event beautiful and fun and golden!”  Seriously, what could be better than an evening doing all of that stuff instead of watching Bravo TV. So if you like doing fun, memorable things – and skilled party planning – and you’re gonna sign up with a friend, huzzah!  $25 off for the BOTHA YUZ.  Just email the ladies (goldenhourlosangeles@gmail.com) with the code ==> KNOTTYGOLD25 <== to redeem your discount.  Easy peasy you’re not even queasy.  

Onwards, to Golden Thing #3….

You guys I love how today, Renee‘s got not just one, but two awesome things to share with Knotty readers that’ll take you guys into your weekends with a little extra shimmer all over everything.  (<== preferred way of entering your weekend.)  And this second awesome thing is none other than one stellar tutorial on gold leafing your initials for your wedding day decor, and it is the essence – nay, the embodiment – of awesomeness.  Here; you know how your mouth gleeks saliva sometimes weirdly onto your wrist, which is hilarrassing (combo of embarrassing and hilarious)?  Well, this DIY gleeks the aroma of Awesomesauce every few minutes, and you WANT it to accidentally gleek onto your wrist.  Lemme go farther– This DIY is such a source of Awesome, that if you needed to make a cologne and you couldn’t track down any naturally occurring sources where you could safely setup camp to mine large amounts of the – wait what is it called… Awesome Oil?  You know, the term for the thing in something that changes the scent of an experimental perfume in the business of perfuming/ery?  Shoot, ok my vocabulary in the area of perfume development and branding is limited.  Damnit where is a Kardashian when you need one.

–Which is never times, this would be the only time you’d need a Kardashian ever.

Okie dokie take it away, Renee…

This week’s project uses one of my favorite materials of all time: gold leaf! It is easy to use and can transform pretty much any material to be shiny and beautiful. People often ask me the difference between gold leaf and metallic gold spray paint (a little gold lesson about to go down here) — though metallic spray paint has the appeal of being super easy to use and does a relatively nice job, being that it is spray paint, true gold leaf is actual gold pieces that have been hammered into very thin sheets, giving a far more “expensive” looking finish. Of course, we’ll be using imitation gold leaf here — but you’ll get a really nice texture and even shine that will disguise your papier-mâché monogram as a solid wood piece. You can buy wooden gold leaf monograms at different home stores, but this DIY will show you how to add a pop of color to the traditional project for a fraction of the cost!

What you’ll need:
– Papier-mâché letter
– Gold leaf sheets
– Spray adhesive
– Acrylic paint (in color of choice)
– Paint brush
– Foam brush

Step 1:
Paint the sides of your letter with acrylic paint. Don’t worry too much about staying in the lines — you’ll be covering the rest of it later!

Step 2:
After your paint has dried, spray the face of the letter with adhesive spray. Be sure to maintain a good distance between the spray can and the letter to keep it from forming gluey clumps. Cover it well, but you won’t need to soak your letter in glue — the adhesive is strong and just a little bit will be enough to hold the gold leaf.

Step 3:
Gold leaf time! Stick your sheets of gold leaf onto the tacky part of the letter, press down lightly with foam brush, and peel off the gold sheet. The unused parts of gold can be used on the other uncovered areas of the letter — about a sheet and a half was enough for me to cover the letter. If you find missing areas after you peel off the leafing, just take another extra piece and press it in to fill in the spaces. Brush off any excess gold, repeat on the back side, and you’re finished!

Your finished piece makes a great centerpiece item or engagement shoot prop, and can even be used to decorate your bookshelf after your wedding!

xo Renee / with photos by Jenna Rae Photography

Thanks, Renee!  I have a deep, emotionally charged love for your DIYs, and that one up there is now a top fave.  I seriously bow down to your creativeness.

In other news: By now, surely, you’ve heard about the coloring book…

… yes?

Well, I mean I guess that’s Ryan Gosling…

Here he is looking extra creepy.

Jared Leto?

He looks like he’s taking a poop in this one.

It’s called “Colour Me Good: Ryan Gosling” which means it’s British.  But don’t worry; it’s image-centric so the language barrier won’t be an issue for most.  Wait– British peoples do still speak in cheerios and bloody ‘ells and various other adorable old fashioned-ey British expressions that I hear on the BBC… right?  Ok just checking).  As I was saying, there’s an effing coloring book out now.  In the name of Canada-Born Verbal Brooklynite Ryan Gosling.  Sweet Jeezus this is happening.  In fact it’s happened already, and it’s still happening, right over in this spot, here.  I know, you’ve already heard, right?  Because it has GOT to be circulating wildly if the sheer amount of heads ups I got about it all week are any indication.  Oh but let me add to that, that I appreciated every single gahdamned one of those heads ups.  GIRL YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE.

PSA: If anyone gets me that coloring book please know ahead of time that I will be coloring in ONLY the penis areas.  I imagine it does not have a built-in outline of said areas, so I will have to go purely off of my imagination.  ANYBODY HAVE ANY EXTRA LARGE CRAYONS I CAN BORROW?  You know which colors.

(Note: it’s been quite a week here in Knottyland so if you’re one of ma peoples who shot me the word about that book this week, let me know in the comments; I just couldn’t get it together this week to give you a proper shout out up here.  I’m sorries.  Again, home buying.  THE WORST.  SO time-consuming!!!!!!)

Addendum: Just a little while ago my girl Chandra of Oh Lovely Day twitterooted me this delicious ridiculousness (which can be found here on Happy Place)…

… and so OBVIOUSLY I felt compelled to add it into this post.  Thanks, C.  You know just how to rouse me right.  Whatever that means.  (I honestly don’t know what that means, it’s late.)

Aright, so as I wrap up this here post, I’d love to know– what are you doing this weekend?  Anything good planned?  Sexual activity following by cuddling and 10 minutes later a slow but deliberate body separation so that you can both sleep comfortably, perhaps?  Oo, did you dig Renee’s gold leaf tutorial?  Or did you happen to see me at The Cream NY, the recap of which is coming first thing next week?  And is that coloring book making you– well I won’t say it.  But my mind has obviously taken it there.

See you in the comments, beaches. ;)

xoxo!  - Alison

P.S. – Friendly reminder that, if you’re one of the fortunate souls who has August 25 or 26 free to sign up for Golden Hour LA and subsequently learn party planning from two of the greats, go and get a friend involved and you’ll each save $25 big ones off the ticket price with code KNOTTYGOLD25.  yayYUH :)

The Cream images by Rebecca Hansen / Golden Hour LA + DIY Gold Leaf Monogram images by Jenna Rae Photography

It’s Friday.

And a lot of people are going to be asking you if you’re planning on “getting down.”  

Listen, errbody knows you gotta get down on Friday-that’s not the issue.  The issue is,  the front seat?   Or back seat?  Which one will you choose?  Some things to keep in mind: yesterday was Thursday, Thursday.  Tuuh-day ii-iss Fri-day, Fri-day.  And Sunday comes after….wards.

YES, ALL COMMON KNOWLEDGE.  I see you have brains.

But.  Fun..fun..fun..fun?  Thinkkhaboutfun…yoouuu knnoww whadidis.          …Aright, REALLY.  That’s enough of that.  Why- why do you indulge me?

Here’s whussup.  Cheyenne of Duchess and the Rabbit submitted today’s super excellent wedding, and in this itta bitta pre-post (the full post is coming later today) I found myself compelled to share something with you.  Bambo, did you notice this?

Oh, sorry Bam.  I didn’t see that you were mouth-banging your tennis ball rope, like you do.

How bout you guys- just see if you notice what I’m talking about… It actually has nothing to do with images – rather, it’s a particularly intriguing bit from this snippet out of the gorgeous bride’s write-up.  Look for what I’m talking about and tell me if you catch it:

“The whole wedding was a labor of love from our family and friends.  My sister made our delicious cake and baked everything on our overflowing dessert table.  … His brother is a brewer… he created a beer especially for our wedding.  A bottle for each guest ended up being the coolest wedding favor.  My dad, the groomsmen and my cousins were amazing – they were hanging lanterns, trimming tree branches and setting out the ceremony chairs all morning.  My mother is the most amazing artist and a problem-solver extraordinaire.  DIY is a lifestyle for her – she can do anything.  She sewed white pillows for the patio, painted clay pots and planted flowers in them, bought bushels of flowers from the market to do all of the centerpieces and the bouquets.  She helped me scour flea markets and thrift stores [and] spent many evenings making tissue paper flowers… I couldn’t have had such a beautiful wedding without her.  My husband was so completely excited about the organization and planning of the day.  He is passionate about–” <=== ok STOP, right there.. do you see it?

—- Apparently there is an interesting trend developing in the wedding world, and that is the increasing prevalence of husbands who apparently care about wedding details.  Seems a good thing..  WE WILL DISCUSS LATER TODAY.  Also, an entire gorgeous wedding.  Actually that- the wedding, that’ll be the dominant factor in the post.

So obvs stay tuned for later.  Or not, w-evs.  Not really gonna make or break me either way so, honestly, just do whatever brings you pleasure in the moment.  That.  That is my wish for you.  (No but seriously come back ok?  ok, cool.)

In the meantime, if you’re looking for ways to continue avoiding that 9 to 5, here’s the LOLs part of this post…

• Enjoy a little sense of entitlement… even if only by proxy.  ’Enjoy’ is probably a strong word.
• I also encourage you to visit a fave = fynct.  Possibly NSFW-ish?  Just lots of F Word usage but you do read this site, so…  Anyway a good place to go if you’ve ever found yourself confused by the more popular home decor choices circulating these days.  –If that sentiment resonates for you, this place should help you to feel less alone.  (Without this site, I would have never known there are such things as terrariumansions.  Or bike walls.  Actually these chevron blinds are kind of cool.  But then it’s like, chopped wood door decals?  Or these, which are equally without reason to exist?  This, this, and this.  See– the site’s an amazing way to flit away some down time.)
• Leave the internet for a little bit and eat a delicious cookie cup.

See you shortly, punks!

Seacrest out

All photography: Duchess and the Rabbit / Rebecca Black screen grab: Youtube

Second post of the day WHOOO!

You guys.  YOU GUYS.  I am in love with this wedding.  Lisa and Brian’s wedding was a true family affair, and I can’t wait for you to see it/read about it below.  In fact I’d say it’s kind of the dream DIY wedding, if you’re someone who likes working closely with family members for extreme lengths of time in increasingly stressful situations, I mean.  But something tells me this family has no qualms about quality time.  I’m so big on the QT- it’s so f’ing key in our lives.  But so yeah- wanna know what came of all that QT?  Everyone happily chipped in their part in the couple’s  big day, and with stunning results.

For example: her sister handmade their cake AND all the goodies you’ll see on their dessert table.  

Brian’s brother brewed a signature beer for the couple, which the guests got to take home as their favor!!!; her dad, groomsmen and cousins hung the lanterns, trimmed branches and setting out chairs all morning.  Her mother – a heavily gifted woman when it comes to creativity – had a major role in many of the details, and that just touches my heart more than you know.

But perhaps my favorite part?  Other than this gorgeous gal and her admirable taste, of course?  Her groom was like, legitimately involved.  Like IN THE WEDDING.  In fact, he was “passionate” about certain bits.  Amazing.

So once you’ve scrolled through the whole affair – which was sent in to us by Duchess and the Rabbit - isn’t she AMAZE? - I’d love to know what you think of grooms these days having more of an involvement in the wedding details.  Is this similar to your experience?  Do you love it when the guy is into the details?  Let’s talk about it.

..’til then, enjoy the pretty pictures. :)

love. these anthro mugs. the love has never wained.  not once.

NICE, Lisa’s-sister-Michelle. ↑ You available for my wedding? ;)

Check out the film!  By Josh Tallo from Bitter Jester Creative Inc…

Ok, NOW!  Check out the full write-up from the lovely bride, Lisa:

We picked our venue, Katherine Legge Lodge, because we loved the historic 1920’s house and the beautiful woodland it is surrounded by. It gave us the opportunity to have the outdoor wedding that we wanted while also having an indoor option in case it rained. We were able to utilize the whole venue and had an outdoor ceremony under the trees, cocktail hour in the living room of the house, a tented dinner and finally dancing in the upstairs ballroom.

We didn’t have a specific theme for the wedding – we were just inspired by the venue. I love old things. I collect vintage clothes, and thrift stores and flea markets are my favorite places to shop. The 1920’s lodge and the surrounding woods were exactly what we were looking for. They informed the vintage feel and natural summer colors – green, white, pink and yellow. I wanted everything to feel natural and relaxed so all the flowers and vases were different, the boys wore their own suits and my girls wore mismatched dresses – I just told them to pick a shade of pink.

The whole wedding was a labor of love from our family and friends.  My sister Michelle made our delicious cake and baked everything on our overflowing dessert table. Brian’s brother is a brewer and he created a beer especially for our wedding, it was a Belgian Blonde Ale infused with lemon peel & rum-soaked planifolia vanilla beans. A bottle for each guest ended up being the coolest wedding favor.

My dad, the groomsmen and my cousins were amazing – they were hanging lanterns, trimming tree branches and setting out the ceremony chairs all morning.

My mother is the most amazing artist and a problem-solver extraordinaire. DIY is a lifestyle for her – she can do anything.  She sewed white pillows for the patio, painted clay pots and planted flowers in them, bought bushels of flowers from the market to do all of the centerpieces and the bouquets. She helped me scour flea markets and thrift stores for old white and green vases. Oh, she spent many evenings making tissue paper flowers. I couldn’t have had such a beautiful wedding without her.

My husband was so completely excited about the organization and planning of the day. He is passionate about music so he found our DJ and planned the most wonderful soundtrack for our ceremony, booked the super cool Rio Bamba band for dinner and asked his amazing friend Josh to create a music video of the day. Brian rented lighting for the dance floor and made sure all the twinkle lights went up in the tent. He really made everything so easy and fun. On the day of our wedding we felt so loved and really happy that we were enjoying something so special – something we created with the help of our family and friends.

Lisa’s write-up reminds of me of that fact that when we talk about weddings, naturally a big focus is placed on how everything looks in the end.  The pictures that span a single day’s time are what’s left of everything, aside from the marriage license.  And obviously, the pictures are one of The. Best. Parts.  But sometimes I wish we could document the whole experience; what got us to that day, start to end.  So we can really take stock of it, and love it for everything it was, and is, now.  All of the interactions, the moments, the disagreements, the realizations that you love one another more than you did before those disagreements, the hard work, the elation, and the family and friends.  Don’t you wish there were pictures of everything?  I guess that parts up to us.  Really pushing ourselves to remember, and to document, those moments that happen before the wedding day arrives.  Cause rally, isn’t it those little things? that life ‘s about?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s the little things.

Aright so… stay calm, stay cool, and try to remember that it’s all about the little moments! :)

Also, take more pictures in life.  The moments go so fast!  (I really need to take my own advice.)

xoxo  - Alison

Photographer: Duchess and the Rabbit / Venue: Katherine Legge Memorial Lodge / Catering: My Chef / Beer: Tim Marshall, Solemn Oath Brewery / Cake and dessert table: A Sweet Table / Band: Rio Bamba / Dress: Vera Wang from Belle Vie Bridal Couture / Jewelry: JCrew / Suit: Hugo Boss / Cinematography: Josh Tallo from Bitter Jester Creative Inc

There are myriad ways to begin your week.

One is to start it all off with the use of myriad, making you a winner at writing.  (Srsly tho, I need to start reading more thesauruses.  ..Thesaurus’?  Wait maybe it’s thesauri?  Crap, does anyone know a synonym for “thesaurus?”)  Another, is to be negotiating the purchase of your Tatadra** only to discover there’s probably mold in all of the walls.  Still another (3) is to sit down, sip a mug of your favorite morning beverage and, eyes peeled and naked with anticipation, begin scrolling through image after image of srsly inspiring eye candy.  (Doesn’t it make more sense for that phrase to mean balls of candied eyes? wow ANYWHOOO.)

Yeah so guess which one Honey and I got?  If you said a combination of #1. Myriad and #2. moldy dream house, congratulations.  You fished out my attempt at fishing for sympathy.  Now, fortunately for you, you all fall into category #3, which is that you get to be sitting down and scrolling through pretty pictures whilst sipping on a delicious drink of your choice.  Please note that if it’s alcoholic you better be reading this after 5pm, Everyone-who-is-reading-this-including-Myself.  No but seriously? – on a serious note? – you guys lucked out in comparison to me.  Because aren’t work weeks a little bit better when you get to start them off with inspiration, and not with thinking about the progressive worsening of your asthma symptoms should you proceed with moving into your moldy dream home (which is actually within a strict budget and also *dream* a relative term)?

ANYWHOOOO that’s enough of that.  Now– this might look familiar, but trust me, ’tis new… and then just you wait, because later?  Part twooooo!  Speaking of Dr. Seuss-ease…

The Cream recapsicle…..

intro collage: top + bottom rows: Rebecca Hansen; middle row: Julia of our labor of love

image of Dr. Seuss quote: Rebecca Hansen

As you well know by now if you read this blog, something called The Cream happened here in my stomping grounds of NYC.  Bash Please threw it, and stellar vendors from all over participated in it.  And I’ve got a shitload to show you about it.  What were once only sneak peeks now evolve into fully fleshed out peeks – making them the farthest thing from a ‘peek’ actually.  Am I piquing your interest?  Or has your interest reached its peak?  (I’m experimenting with more subtle, unoffensive spelling lessons.)  Anyway, I’m assuming you want to see ALL OF THE THINGS.  Yes?  Oh good!  Good.  Phew, that’s good to hear, because that’s what’s happening.  Oh but first this thing about shyness, because why not!  Even though it is completely out of place.

Maybe you’re like me.  I, Alison, tend to have two emotions whenever I leave an event or a party — or in this case, an event-party-combopack.  One of the emotions is to be really delighted.  Let me explain; some of you guys might think being a full-time blogger is a super chill lifestyle, brimming with brunch meetings, mimosa sipping and Pinterest ‘research.’  And you’d be right, I’m not saying you’re wrong.  But that’s, like, 11% of the whole enchilada.  And the mimosa sipping?  Can’t imagine it’s more than 5%.  So, in actuality, I spend the Vast Majority of my time working at my desk, writing and writing and writing and ANSWERING EMAILS and working in photoshop to arrange images and then A LOT MORE EMAIL CONVERSING and then reviewing more submissions, and then the occasional amazing colleague party-time event like The Cream.  So, as you can imagine, these industry events are one of the major fun parts of the work.  And then you add in having a TKB table at the event, where brides can just come up to me, and we can chill and talk, about weddings and also life?  The volume on the really delighted emotion turns all the way up to eleven.  Good times.

But then there’s the other emotion I get after an event.  It’s a small part of the overall experience, but still relevant.  It’s the regret.  Especially when the experience involves so many of the people I’ve either spoken with only on Twitter and have yet to meet in person or never even had a chance to converse with, but admire from a distance.  The regret kicks in when I’ve left the space without introducing myself to every. single. one of them.

That’s something I don’t know if I’ve shared about myself on this blog.  I’m a little apprehensive in party situations.  ’Course once you get me going, it’s all good – it’s just the approach part of meeting new people.  I remember in high school I had a really tough time approaching people.  For some reason I often assumed they *didn’t* want to talk to me.  Like, the default for me when I was a teenager was that someone is probably not going to want to chill so I shouldn’t go over there and start up a chat.  Isn’t that terrible?  Anyway, I’m a lot different from the way I was in high school, but there’s always gonna be a little of that leftover.  I don’t know exactly what you’d call it.  The point is, I tend to feel a little bit of regret every time I leave one of these things, because it’s like, why didn’t I talk to her? or that group that handles the music who I’ve admired for a while? or this person who seems just as shy as I am right now?

Aright Bambino, promise I’m almost done blabbing.  I was just trying to lead into this:

Fun Tip of the day time!  =  The lesson I keep learning over and over again:

• Do your best not to assume people *won’t* want you to come up and talk to them.  Assume they would LOVE IT if you started up a conversation (exceptions: pick-up artists).  Assume they’ve been just standing there, waiting for the exact same thing to happen to them.  Or whatever.  Just quit it with the hesitation and remind yourself that everyone just wants to connect when they come to a party.  That’s the idea–connecting.  DUH, right?  I know; I don’t understand how I forget that sometimes.

That shit right there means I missed out on a wholllle number of new people to meet, and all just because I’m not a big *approacher.*  ’Course since, like most, I had a table with my blog’s name all over it, it wasn’t really that hard to introduce myself when people walked right up to my face expecting a verbal response.  It’s almost *cheating,* that way.  It is- it is cheating.

But so anyway, this means I met a swimmer’s-wingspan-load (it was much more than a buttload) of new faces.  And I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you that you all looked positively fabulous, dahlinks.  And those shoes!  Loved those shoes!

I LOVE how that blanket compliment actually has relevance for every single person I met at the Cream.  Y’all sure do know how to dress fabulously for a good NYC event party combopack.

Speaking of GUEST ATTIRE…

above images: Julia of our labor of love 

By the way – these ladies are drinking the UNBELIEVABLY DELICIOUS CONCOCTIONS provided at the table where Morris Kitchen and Pharmacie teamed up (Morris Kitchen makes drop dead amazing syrups for drinks; take-home favors, anyone?) to get errrbody quality wasted.  Quality wasted is what I call it when there are no accompanying headaches.  Fanfrikintastic.  Hire them.

‘Course, there’ll be more on them in the nearby second recap, which I’m calling “The Human Nourishment + Papery, Florally, Table Toppity Details Recap of Excitement and Also Food Babies!”  You think I’m kidding?  I’m probably kidding, actually.  I’m now officially kidding because that is absurd.

A little peek at what I’ve decided to call ”Part 2″ (Miss Jackson if you’re hungry)….

↑ A ‘taste’ of Lael Cakes.

above images: Julia of our labor of love 

above images: Julia of our labor of love 

Duchess Clothier…

above images: Samm Blake

There are lots of Sharks and Pigs across these great States, but what’s important to know at this time is that they all work together, and that I’ve never actually met any of them.  But I’m like 99.9% sure the dapper dude in the dotted knot above is one Geoff Boothby, or Landshark, of SharkPig.

Check his buttons, SON –

They look sorta like our bubbuhbear Bambino ;)

Tree of Life Films in the hizzy, with some pretty little packets…

above images: Julia of our labor of love

Oh speaking of loud photograph-worthy accessories, SEQUIN/GLITZY/SPARKLY STUFF mostly from BAN.DO…

above images: Julia of our labor of love 

Speaking of sparkly shiny things- check it out, GLOW BRACELETS (I know, the transitions aren’t working today, please leave it alone if you have any mercy in you)…

above images: clockwise from top – Julia of our labor of love (1, 2); Samm Blake; maself; Samm Blake

Speaking of GLOW BRACELETS, COOL SHOT, SAMM BLAKE….

Speaking of MUSIC / THE DANCE FLOOR, it was ballstastic…

… amazing performances by Elan Artists…

^ A touch of feathery, garland magic courtesy of Bramble Workshop makes the view above WAY less bare Though that’s not really a fair jab on my part at Mr. Elevaty McFreight, a machine with responsibilities that go beyond *looking the part.*  That was a long way of saying, hi Jessica Pezella, I love how you made the freight elevator nice with that feather-inspired chandelier.

above images: Julia of our labor of love 

Some great people other than myself – I don’t mean it like that – were around, which made it all the more fun!

Amanda of Ruffled brought her killer signage to the partay.  Quite a lot of love and time went into that baby.  Worth it, right?

The super fun ladies of Brides Magazine were in attendance, and their setup was too lovely *not* to sit down in, as you can see…

That’s their setup; it was like a really good episode on HGTV, when they makeover a sitting room and it actually turns out really nicely.

above images: Julia of our labor of love

I think this means they need to moonlight as set directors on a cable television home makeover show.  Ladies- wanna squeeze that into your 3 minutes of free time every week?

In sparklier news… Vané, who obviously knows exactly what every girl wants, rocked a friggin Confetti Bar at her Brooklyn Bride table!

So great it hurts!  The *hurts* part of it = I didn’t take home one of her bags of confetti. ;)  Vané, it has become my biggest regret, by far.

above image: Samm Blake

¡SURPRISE VIDEO INTERLUDE!

The Cream Event NYC from Tree of Life Films

above images: Julia of our labor of love 

Oh wait, speaking of CONFETTI CANONS…

above images: Rebecca Hansen

Speaking of FEATHERS… (we weren’t you’re right)…

Electric Love and Fox Fodder Farm had these AMAAAAZING dreamcatchers you see on the wall.  OMGOSH they were incred.

above images: Julia of our labor of love 

Incredibly gorgeous and earthy setup by Vintage Patina Rentals…

I wish you could have seen these gowns by in person, ladies…

above image: Rebecca Hansen

… they were in abundance, thanks to  the lovelies of Winifred Bean…

above images: Julia of our labor of love 

ALSO ALSO, chalkboard trend alert, found predominantly in the crazy gorgeous setups of Kelly Makeup and Gabriella…

above images: Rebecca Hansen

The Good Cheer Co. even served their delicious itty bitty treats on chalkboard-esque thingamajigs! (Sorry I’m not good with food vernacular.)

above; last image of collage: Julia of our labor of love; rest of collage: Rebecca Hansen

The art installations going on at this thing were GAAAANGSTA.  In such cool geometric shapes and colors!

↑ did a little sleuthing and found these were created by Bramble Workshop; images: Rebecca Hansen

Here’s how it looks with a pretty model under it…

And here is how the things (the rope part at least) look with I think that’s Michael Antonia of The Flashdance pumping up the crowd (I had down, “fist pumping up the crowd,” and then “pumping up the crowd with his fists” but it kept sounding weirdly sexual..?)

above images: Samm Blake

As you can see, I’m obsessed with that art installation of colorful rope + various-shapes-of-wood garlandy situation.  So it might shock you – in fact I’m almost ashamed to share – that I didn’t even notice them while I was there.  And I was like, on that floor.  It’s not even “like;” I was on the floor-my table was there.  Did I seriously never look up?  Am I some sort of Clydesdale?  Or is that I… forgot them?  What the hell is wrong with me?  *schedules doctor’s appointment*  *considers she could possibly be deficient in certain vitamins and hormones, perhaps of the sperm-delivered variety*  *realizes that’s a hilarious notion*

Also TOTES…

above images: Julia of our labor of love 

Speaking of the totes… look here, check out the hosts!  Paige Appel and Kelly Harris of Bash Please, below…

above images: Samm Blake

Speaking of ends to Part 1…

That wraps up the first bit.  Sit tight; like I said there’s that second recap coming up quickly and it’s all about the food + desserts, pics I got of my table!!, and naturally, the little details – paper, table scapes, flowers, and other stuff I can’t remember at the moment because the process of emotional-footprint of Tatadra hunting is resulting in a lot of burnt synapses.

Stay tuned…

xoxo!  - Alison

**personal favorite name for desirable housing, ever since it’s introduction (written on the door of Ashley’s Tatadra, or, *dream house*) on ‘The Bachelorette: The Dr. Ashley Chronicles.’ 

Photographers: Rebecca Hansen Weddings, Julia of our labor of love, Samm Blake, Moss and Isaac, Cava Weddings, Les Loups / Film: Tree of Life Films, Hi-Society Productions, Sharkpig, Landshark (Geoff Boothby), Hello Super 8, McKenzie Miller Films, Open Eye Media, Go Flip Yourself / Photoboothery: Smilebooth / Event Designers: Alison Events, Bramble Workshop, Glitter + Rye, Michelle Edgemont, Hatch Creative Studio, Firefly Events / Blogs + Mags: Brooklyn Bride, Ruffled, The Knotty Bride, Brides Magazine / Fashion: Ban.do, Duchess Clothier, Gabriella, Winifred Bean / Makeup: Kerry Makeup / Stationery: Postscript Brooklyn, Paper + Cup, Red Table Stationery / Rentals + Decor: Vintage Patina Rentals, La Tavola Linens, Hatch Creative Studio, Olam / Food + Beverages: Brooklyn Brewery, Landhaus, The Good Cheer Co., Morris Kitchen, Pharmacie, Swanson Vineyards, Tito’s Vodka, Voss Water / Desserts: Lael Cakes, Bee’s Knees Baking Co., Van Leeuwen / Floral: Fox Fodder Farm, Violet & Verde, Peartree, Poppies and Posies / Music: Elan Artists, The Flashdance Apps: Appy Couple, Postable / Venue: Center 548

Happy afternooeeeveningish, friendly faces, and welcome.  To the yummy in your tummy Part 2.

After you’ve scrolled through the whole enchilada below, I’d sure love to hear what you liked!

Now, it doesn’t have to be one thing you liked… it can be, for example, two things.  Even three things – though NOT four things – I’ll allow five things, you’ve got to be f**king kidding me if it’s six things, but I think seven things would make sense.  Eight things.  Nine things and I will take offense.  I could be talked into ten things, however eleven things???  GTFO of my face with that offer.  OMG 12 things would be so hilarious, DO IT I BEG YOU.  If you come at me with 13 things I will hack into your Facebook and set your relationship status to “It’s Complicated.”  14 things?  REALLY?   Don’t you dare say 14 things.  15 things is alright.

Okie dokie, I hope my hostile threats haven’t changed things between us!  I just… I have my things.  Get a little controlling sometimes… anywho!  Let’s get started, shall we?  

ENGAGE PART TWO OF THE CREAM RECAP

PART TWO: ENGAGED

When our frenchie Bambino needs to crawl across my sternum with his nails to get from point a to point b for whatever pointless reason it is this time, there is a fine line between Bambino crawling over my sternum and Bambino opening up my chest for heart surgery with my sternum as the access point.

So, spending time with Bambino can go either way.  Not the case with the pros in this post.  All roads led to quality, everywhere I turned.  And with that we begin.

- CATS -

I have an addendum.  I have nowhere else to put it but I need to get it out of me so I am tucking it in right here.  It’s cat-related, if I wasn’t clear.  Honey just showed me the following youtube video he saw while reading Wired Magazine and it’s better than sex on a stick.  Unless you’ve been to any State fair anywhere in America.  They have fried sex on a stick there and it’s actually pretty good.  Much better than the fried cat.  Sorry, too far – I actually really do love cats, Brownie’s Honor.

Ok I just looked up “scouts honor brownies honor” to see if Brownie’s Honor is an actual thing to say, and the internet told me it is the act of *bleeping* three *bleepers* into a *bleep*.

Nothing.  Nothing is sacred.

I will not be telling you what the internet said for Brownie’s Honor.

- DRINKS -

You remember when I mentioned Morris Kitchen in pt. 1?  Their syrups were to diiiee for.  Enough for me to make an egregious grammatical mistake in the previous sentence just to hammer home a point.

Yes, THAT GOOD.

Add to that, they were kind people. :)  Speaking of kind people, ↓ Landhaus, seen below, was THE BOMB.

Pharmacie Bar, killin it with a champagne station in coordination with Morris Kitchen, bringing endless possibility to the world of high class boozin’.

… qui est posseeebleuh?  TOUT!  *inside joke with people who took French*  *rendering it disqualified for being considered an inside joke*  *you see because I’m saying I was a geek who was usually ‘on the outside’ of the jokes*  *but also I was a geek who never achieved an A in French class*  *I’m not even sure I spelled those french words right*  *making me not even the cool kind of geek person, who can brag about all the promise her teachers saw in her, so early on*  Okay I’m done that was weird.

There is a thing called Pour Swagger.  ☝ This is what it looks like.

above images: Samm Blake

above image: Rebecca Hansen

- PERSONAL INTERLUDE -

I love Instagram, and I was at this event, so it is fair to assume I instagrammed the event.  but in case you missed it live, here are the few shots I nabbed with my camera phone which ultimately will pale in comparison to the professional shots throughout this post – EVEN given that I used the cool instagram filters.  Even that.  That’s how quality the photogs were at this event.  The first I’ll share is of ma table and what was sur ma table.

what?  how’d that get in there?  apologies; Bambino was not sur ma table.  he was with his grandparents, gaining 4 lbs.  What I meant to share was THIS:

chocolattay popolattays!!  they went faster than life itself.  Joke’s on you:

I LICKED ALL OF THEM.

More shots of stuff I made…

Bambino not right now, baby.  Mama’s busy with work.  Gimme ten, ok?  Also who the F Word has been shopping at American Eagle Outfitters in this family.

I’m thinking of posting a DIY here on TKB about how I made my wee booklet biz cards.  I think it might be fun for the blog.

P.S. – Special thanks to Shade who works with the ladies over at Bash Please for your kind help setting up, and also your general outstandingness in generality, generally speaking, amen.

- TREAT PUSHERS -

I was serious when I asked you in Part 1 about these Lael Cakes.  They are no joke.

above images: Julia of our labor of love

↑ Van Leeuwen ice cream!!!

Bee’s Knees Baking Co. really knows how to pile it on…

… in the most amazing ways!

- PREEMINENT PAPER PUSHERS -

Red Table Stationery ↓

above images: Rebecca Hansen

Postscript Brooklyn ↑ And Paper + Cup…

above images: Rebecca Hansen

- FLORAL + STYLISH DESIGN -

The super lovely Alison of Alison Events (and not just because we share the same name AND spelling) and Peartree are responsible for THIS visual feast…

(Fun Fact: Liza Lubell named Peartree after her Mom.  You know I adore that kind of thing, you guys.)

above image: Julia of our labor of love

Poppies and Posies, SON.

above images: Julia of our labor of love

Hatch Creative Studio showing their incredible versatility…

I know at least one of you guys is going to love those bunny butts! (..on birch slices, next to air plants, within makeshift terrariums!)

above images: Rebecca Hansen

Glitter + Rye made my face water.

..not a good look on me.

Hoping I can keep the *watering* localized to my mouth next time, should I be presented with such exquisitely colorful styling and design.

This first one’s from my phone using the instagram filter I abuse the most if you follow me on Twitter…

Sometimes I say, “I wish you coulda seen this up close,” when describing something.  Not the case here – totally awesome in person and in pics, AMIRITE

above images: Julia of our labor of love

above image: Leigh Anna Thompson with Moss + Isaac

 Some of you might remember when I instagrammed Michelle Edgemont‘s nook (she was right across from me).

Well I’d like you to see what I saw, but in better detail… so here’s a legit shot, from an actual professional in photography:

Add to that the fact that I just visited Michelle’s site and the girl shares my affinity for “HIGH KICKS.”  Well- what I mean is, she refers to the act of doing high kicks, like physically; and since I can’t do them, physically, because I haven’t stretched since my senior of college, I just say “high kick, woot!” on the blog all the time because I’m a f**king idiot.  But still this is freaking me out.  What is going on?!  Everything is moving so fast.  It is only when I am reminded of her extreme giftedness in the crafting arena, a-like a-so:

… that I am made aware again, of just how different we really are.

above images: Rebecca Hansen

EXTREEEEME CLOSE-UP!!!

above image: Leigh Anna Thompson with Moss + Isaac

FINAL THRUST!  FORM OF: a fine fine vid from Landshark/Geoff Boothby:

(… did you watch it?  it’s amazing you should watch it.  go’head, I’ll wait…)

~ FIN ~

So you guys, now that we’ve completed Part Twizzle, lemme know if there was anything that you particularly loved from the event above!  Thanksies :)

HOWEVER, NOTE THIS:

If the in-no-way-veiled threat I laid down at the very start of this post made you start second-guessing yourself.. relax.  You can just say “all of the things.”  I understand it’s hard to pare down.

xoxo!  - Alison

…but 16 things and I buy a private jet, invite you on a *business trip* to Singapore, cultivate trust among town elders, climb the ranks of the area police force and then frame you with the crime of graffiti vandalism.  Make it 17 things and I sell your story for an episode of Locked Up Abroad.

P.S. – 18 things gets you a huggie n’ a kissie.  MUAH!!

images in lead board: Julia of our labor of love except for the upper right corner, whichiz ma’self with Instagram.

Photographers: Rebecca Hansen Weddings, Julia of our labor of love, Samm Blake, Leigh Anna Thompson with Moss + Isaac, Cava Weddings, Les Loups / Film: Tree of Life Films, Hi-Society Productions, Sharkpig, Landshark (Geoff Boothby), Hello Super 8, McKenzie Miller Films, Open Eye Media, Go Flip Yourself / Photoboothery: Smilebooth / Event Designers: Bash Please, Alison Events, Bramble Workshop, Glitter + Rye, Michelle Edgemont, Hatch Creative Studio, Firefly Events / Blogs + Mags: Brooklyn Bride, Ruffled, The Knotty Bride, Brides Magazine / Fashion: Ban.do, Duchess Clothier, Gabriella, Winifred Bean / Makeup: Kerry Makeup / Stationery: Postscript Brooklyn, Paper + Cup, Red Table Stationery / Rentals + Decor: Vintage Patina Rentals, La Tavola Linens, Hatch Creative Studio, Olam / Food + Beverages: Brooklyn Brewery, Landhaus, The Good Cheer Co., Morris Kitchen, Pharmacie, Swanson Vineyards, Tito’s Vodka, Voss Water / Desserts: Lael Cakes, Bee’s Knees Baking Co., Van Leeuwen / Floral: Fox Fodder Farm, Violet & Verde, Peartree, Poppies and Posies / Music: Elan Artists, The Flashdance Apps: Appy Couple, Postable / Venue: Center 548